In this scene my main character (30 years old – single) goes to the wedding of her niece. There she is introduced to someone who is totally not her type. This will eventually lead to her telling a big lie about her love life.
Wow. I let my eyes wander around the room and can barely believe how crowded it is. Everyone and their grandmother is here! Marie and Jasper can’t possibly know every single one of these guests, can they? I cannot seem to decide whether this is a wedding or a festival.
My glass of champagne is almost empty and I make my way to the bar for a refill. But I have barely moved two feet when someone taps me on the shoulder.
‘Lexie,’ coos aunt Vivian. ‘My favorite niece. I have been looking all over for you.’ She plants three big kisses on my cheeks. ‘How are you doing, girl? Have you finally found a boyfriend?’
‘Eh?’ I haven’t seen her in six months and that is the first thing she asks me?
‘Do you have a boyfriend? Or are you still single?’ She says with a hint of horror.
I give her a polite smile and try to get away, but she keeps nagging me.
‘The thing is, I have a surprise for you. The son of my colleague is also single and he’s here tonight. I’m sure you two will hit it off. Come on, let me introduce you to him. You will be surprised how easy it is to date someone,’ she says as if I’m a toddler who cannot even tie her own shoes.
In my head the alarm bells start to go off. Aunt Vivian wants to introduce me to some pathetic guy? No thanks.
‘Oh, I really appreciate this, but please, don’t bother.’ I smile at her and pretend that I’ve just spotted someone I desperately want to talk to, but aunt Viv grabs me by the arm. Jeez, the woman doesn’t know when to stop, does she.
‘I’ll take you to him. Really, I don’t mind, it’s no trouble.’
Oh my. I’m sure aunt Vivian means well, but her taste in men is horrible. She is married to a member of the male species who already looked terrible when he was twenty. At least, that’s what I can conclude from my dad’s old pictures. Uncle Bart’s belly is so big that he can make a grizzly bear jealous and when he has to walk somewhere I’m always afraid his legs might break because they are so effing fat. And let’s be honest, aunt Vivian is not the paragon of beauty either. I mean, look at her. Her breast protrude from her wrinkled cleavage and her arms are squeezed tightly into a purple dress that is two sizes too small for her. She looks like a big fat worm that crawled into a tiny straw and can’t get out anymore.
‘So, are you coming, Lexie?’ Aunt Vivian’s look is filled with expectation.
No, I’m not coming. I’m going to turn around and run away. Not that I can make a quick escape in this crowd, but she will never be able to catch me in those ugly wedges of her anyway.
‘Alright then.’ As soon as I utter these words I regret them. Why is it so hard for me to say no?
‘Look, there he is. Cute as a button, right?’
I doubt whether that statement is true. Still I give her the benefit of the doubt and glance at the guy that is supposed to be the man of my dreams. But all I can see is a bunch of guys huddled together and wearing suits that I can only describe as disturbingly nerdy.
We make our way through the wall of people and before I know it, I’m standing at their table.
‘Hello guys, this is Lexie,’ aunt Vivian beams at them. ‘Lexie, this is Audri.’ She points at a gangling guy. You’ve got to be kidding me.
‘Hi,’ I squeak.
‘Hi there, beauty. I was just telling these guys how you can make a killer deal at the stock market. If you want, I can always teach you some tricks as well,’ he blinks.
Oh, so he’s also arrogant. Just my luck.
‘No, thanks,’ I say.
‘Can I offer my lady something to drink?’
‘How can you offer me a drink when everything here is free?’
The other guys start to laugh. Audri doesn’t even wait for my response and goes to the bar to fetch us some drinks. Maybe it’s for the best. I’m going to need some alcohol to get through this ordeal.
Aunt Vivian pats me on the back. ‘Good luck, girl. I’m going back to your uncle Bart now. And don’t forget that your entire family is here, so you’d best behave,’ she winks at me.
Good gracious, as if I would want to do something shameful with this loser. I take out my phone and send a text message to Suzanne.
Help. I’m stuck with a real nerd. I don’t mind talking to nerds. But I do when they are arrogant and called Audri.
About thirty seconds later my phone beeps.
Audri? Isn’t that a girl’s name? You crack me up, Lexie. Where do you find these guys?
Ellen Brock 
The voice is pretty good and reading flows nicely, even relaxing, but the story of a single person being pestered and embarrassed by friends and relatives at a wedding reads like a cliché. If the protagonist ends up in an affair with Audri or even with a guy that pops out around a disastrous meeting with Audri, I believe it will be very hard to escape the cliché.
The mocking description of the aunt and uncle also felt a bit petty and too bitter for a cool main character. Making fun of an older person’s body and general appearance can only fly if it is extremely humorous and done in good will.
Good luck!
Thank you, Alex! The protagonist will not end up with Audri or with someone that is present at the wedding, but Audri will be so persistent that she will tell him a big lie about her love life. I’m trying not to fall back on cliches, so I might take another look at the plot points and maybe change them a bit.
Hi. Thanks for sharing your work. You’ve got some nice descriptive stuff going on. You describe the main character in the scene as thirty years old, but the voice seems much younger than that.
The main body of the scene is the conversation between the young woman and Aunt Vivian. Because of the nature of this interchange I develop a dislike for this young woman. She comes off kind of mean and snarky, and way younger than thirty.
The comments you’ve received are bang on. Lexie came off to me like a hot-headed teenager with a big ego but she’s 30 so I guess she’s been sheltered and very immature. If you intended this, fine. If not, perhaps the narration is too overdone.
coos aunt Vivian sounds odd. Just say “said”
She says with a hint of horror and she says as if I’m a toddler who cannot even tie her own shoes. I don’t think you need to add these qualifiers. Strengthen your verbs and let the reader imagine the scene.
Hope this helps. Good luck with your writing.