BOOM!! CRASH!! The thunder raged on as Kira’s mother ran in the darkness of night.
“ I’m sorry, my baby! I would take you with me but I can’t.“ Kira’s mother had to leave the country because of the feud between her family and her husband’s family. His family had threatened to kill Kira if her mother did not give her away. Kira was born with a twin who had not survived and Kira was blamed for the death of the other twin. In Africa this was known as a curse. She had to be abandoned to save her life.
With those words her mother ran off into the night. Kira cried for hours until a lioness came wandering into the village. The lions only came to the village when they could find no food and the pack was starving. The lioness reached out and turned the blanket over to see a human face. The lioness, known as Usama, was stunned to see a baby face. Usama growled quietly, waiting for someone to come. She left and the baby started crying again.
“ Don’t worry my little one I will take care of you .“ Usama gently picked up the baby and ran away. As Usama neared her pack she sensed tension as she carried the unknown object.
“ Usama! What is in the blanket?” demanded the king who was known as Togo, king of the jungle. Usama walked up to him and put the blanket down. Then the lions heard the scream of a little baby.
“ Usama you did not have permission to bring a human baby here. Why did you?”
“ Because this human child was left alone to die. Even though I’m a lion I have a heart,” said Usama. Togo growled softly.
“ Fine. You may tame the child. I will have nothing to do with it.”
“ Yes Togo.” Usama picked up Kira and took her to her cave.
“Come. Let’s take you to your new home,“ said Usama. After she took her in Usama started licking Kira.
“ Let’s see we must give you a name. Kali.” It was a beautiful name for an energetic girl. Many years passed by and Kali was now six and growing up very fine. The one thing Kali did not think about was that she was the only human in the pack until one day a young adult lion told her.
“ You are not one of us.”
“What are you talking about Crimson? Usama says that I am like everyone else.“
“Come, I will show you.“ Crimson and Kali walked down to the watering hole. They looked in the water.
“See, you are not one of us. You are the enemy. You are human. You are one of them.“
“No! Usama said I’m her daughter.”
“Not her real daughter. She found you abandoned in the human village.“
“How do you know ?
“I was there the day Usama brought you home.“ Kali was so stunned that she was the enemy and that Usama had lied to her.
“I must go.” Kali ran towards the pack.
“Good morning Kali,” said the other lions. In her hurry to get to Usama’s cave, she could not answer. She kept running faster.
“Usama, Crimson told me that I’m the enemy.” A deep concerned look crossed Usama’s face. She growled softly and spoke.
“It is true. You are not one of us. I did find you as a baby in the human village,”
“I am going to talk to Togo. You stay here.“
Kali nodded and Usama ran off towards the king’s cave.
“Togo. Kali knows. What must I do?”
‘I told you that I would not interfere,“ said Togo.
“Fine. Then I will take her hunting with me.“
“NO!! She will ruin the hunt. She is a human. The prey will smell her.”
“No, Togo. I will just bring her to observe the hunt.“
“Take her on the hunt but make sure she stays away from the prey.”
“Yes, Togo. I will make sure of this.“
Togo shook his mane and nodded. Usama sprinted towards the cave.
“Kali you…..” The room was empty.
“Kali, where are you?” Usama growled softly and walked around the room.
‘Crimson will know.’ Usama ran towards Crimson’s cave but he was not there.
“Usama! I saw Crimson and Kali head towards the human village,“ said a lion. Usama ran to Togo.
“Togo! Kali and Crimson have gone to the village!“
“So? She is not my problem.“
“But she is a part of your pack, Togo,“ Usama pleaded.
Togo sighed. “Get the lionesses ready.“
Usama nodded. Meanwhile Kali and Crimson crept into the Village.
“It is the cursed child and she brought a lion with her.“
“Kill her!”
The people ran with spears at Kali. Crimson growled, ready to lunge. Kali cringed, ready to be attacked when suddenly out of the bushes came lions.
“No! The cursed one has brought lions!“
“Get your spears! Hurry!“ yelled the village leader. The men ran to get spears. The lions and humans got ready to fight.
“Attack now!“ yelled the village leader. The lions waited until the humans came toward them.
“Now!“ roared Togo. The lionesses ran out to fight. As Crimson was leading the charge, a man threw his spear and it struck Crimson in the heart.
“Crimson!! NO!!!!!!” yelled Kali. The war raged on. Kali raced to Crimson’s side.
“Crimson your bleeding!“ He did not answer. Crimson was already dead before she reached him. Kali cried for her beloved friend. But as Kali stood in the midst of the battle she felt a fierce fire in her. Humans had killed her best friend. She felt a fire inside of her. Anger and sadness. Kali would avenge her friend’s death. She left her friend and went into battle and saw more lions fall. As long as Kali lived she would never trust humans again.
Ellen Brock 
For me, the dialog was a little stiff. Also, When I got to the last sentence, It left me feeling as if I had just read a prologue or a bunch of backstory, which was a little bit of a let down. I want to have a clearer sense of where the story starts.
Also I think this story is about Kali, yet it feels very distant from her. I’d like to be more in her head and see all this from her perspective.
There is something in the writing that feels like the telling of an old tale, which I think is good. I’d like to see that developed more.
Thanks for posting
thank you
Paragraph two reads as a major info dump and I would definitely delete this. Also the dialog did not feel natural to me.
Is the story about Kali? Then I would try to give her a voice that connects to the reader. At the moment the text feels very distant and there is no reason to care for any of the characters (I’m sorry).
The story feels very rushed. First, Kali is born, then all of a sudden she is six years old. Maybe you could start the story when she is already grown up and show her backstory in another, more compelling way. Take your time to let things unfold.
Good luck!
thank you so much
This has the makings of a nice story, thanks for sharing. I would definitely take the first chapter and use it to establish some of the characters and locations. I think you’re missing the boat on some backstory that would help us to understand the present story. Everything seems too rushed, I feel like I’ve missed something. More brief description is needed perhaps using the 5 senses. I want to feel I’m in the midst of what’s going on.
Aside from the amount of dialogue, good story in the making. Keep writing. Onward.
thank you so much for the advice
This is basically the Tarzan story with a girl instead of a boy and lions instead of wolves or monkeys, so it needs something to distinguish it and the characters from the classic storyline. I’m wondering where the story is going after this chapter. I agree with another commenter here that this chapter is rushed in that you’ve got a lot of dialogue and explanation back to back but they don’t flow together. The language is very stilted, like you’re trying to get out all this information quickly but not smoothly. I would work on enriching the scenes or characters, appealing to more senses than just hearing dialogue and showing characters move from place to place.
thanks
thank you all so much for your advice it really helps a lot I will do that on the rest of the story thank you
I am using African language on it thank you again for the advice