Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.

I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.

Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.

When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:

• Voice – Is the voice strong, unique, and consistent?
• Clarity – Is it easy to follow what’s going on?
• Connection – Is the character easy to connect with?
• Conflict – Is there conflict or the promise of conflict?

“I Stopped Reading When…”

1. Fantasy

Aryas’ face looked like he had already lost the war, big circles under his eyes were accompanied by mud as he and several of his men were hiding behind a small ruined wall. The rain was dripping from his helmet, the soaked red plume from front to back only hinting at its normal majesty.

“Don’t worry commander, today we destroy these pointy eared bastards.” A familiar hand on his shoulder accompanied the equally familiar voice.

 Aryas looked up at his old friend Cugarta, now his second. He was well aware that he owed his command to the deaths of those who outranked him and thus relied heavily on the officers still with him. Three years was an eternity to besiege an enemy city.

Notes: The writing is close, but needs a bit of work. Some of the word choices are awkward or unnatural. For example “were accompanied by mud” and “accompanied the equally familiar voice.” This is both word repetition and it’s not as evocative as it could be. “Thus relied heavily” also reads awkwardly formal.

Verdict: Not Hooked

2. Mainstream

It was raining. That’s what I most remember of that day. I guess there was a mass. I guess the priest called out the rosary, prayers were chanted, automatic responses extracted from the huddling masses cowering underneath umbrellas, a field of somber black and occasional riot of color.

 To me it was a blur, chanting of ritual prayers a buzzing in my head. A radio station hard to tune in.

Notes: I like the concept but there are a few awkward spots in the writing. “The huddling masses” pulled me out of the story a bit because the wording doesn’t seem natural. “And occasional riot of color” reads awkwardly and should probably be “with the occasional riot of color.” “A radio station hard to tune in” reads awkwardly and should probably be “hard to tune into.”

Verdict: Not Hooked

3. YA Mystery

I imagined other young ladies seldom found themselves in such a questionable state –crawling among the shadows of a dank, deserted emporium like some marauder. But I, being a Holmes, welcomed these singular predicaments.

 Crouching under a counter, I swiped my black bangs aside and held up the anonymous telegram wired to Scotland Yard, the cryptic words lit by a sliver of moonlight.

 ‘YFITOZIB NRWMRTSG. MLGGRMTSZN QVDVOVIH’

 Given the Yard’s usual state of incompetence, it hardly came as a surprise those bunglers had failed to decipher so simple a message, and with Uncle Sherlock attending to a case in Paris, the Yard turned to me. It wasn’t difficult to see the words formed a substitution cipher of reversed alphabets: A’s replaced Z’s, B’s replaced Y’s, C’s with X’s, etc until the message read:

 ‘BURGLARY MIDNIGHT. NOTTINGHAM JEWELERS’

 As usual, once my deductive powers provided the Scotland-Yarders the information they required, they cast me to the sidelines, refusing me to partake in their investigations. I presumed their sentiments stemmed their primeval notions of the ‘weaker sex’. I snorted and flexed the digits sticking out from my glove. If only they knew of the more unconventional powers at my disposal…

Notes: I like the idea, but there’s too much telling in this opening. I would let the current scene play out without much interruption and then show her help being rejected by Scotland Yard in an active scene/dialogue. The voice in the opening paragraph is probably too dated to appeal to teens, though I understand why you made this narrative choice, so it’s more a matter of opinion.

Verdict: Not Hooked

4. YA Fantasy

Bernarda manages to pull the bucket out from the well and onto its rocky ledge, in spite of her small frame. A sigh leaves her breath when she sets the tattered vessel on the callous ground. She reminisces of her beloved home, in Pierdras Negras, her family left behind eight months before, to settle in this rugged new land.

Notes: “Small frame” isn’t cliche but is an overused description in my opinion. The action in this scene isn’t inherently interesting and the voice isn’t strong enough to catch the reader’s attention on its own. “A sigh leaves her breath” is awkwardly worded. Avoid repeating the adjective-noun construction: “rocky ledge,” “tattered vessel,” “callous ground,” “beloved home.” Used too often, it gives the writing an awkward rhythm.

Verdict: Not Hooked

5. Literary

On the second Monday of September, Judy Talton put on the new jeans she’d run through three washing cycles and a fatigue jacket she’d found at the Salvation Army resale shop, went to the Student Union, and took a seat for the first time on the Freak side of the Tune Room.

 She waited to see what would happen.

 She’d only been here twice before, once with some other girls from her dorm who’d gone to meet guys, and the other with a lame Sigma Pi fix up. But that had been last year, before it mattered where you sat, before the looming draft Lottery had made the Tune Room the focal point for opposing campus factions—Greeks and Freaks.

 She crossed her legs to cover the still too-bright orange threads that snaked down her seams and considered the entire expanse of the room, splattered in as many posters against the war as for next month’s Homecoming game.

Notes: The voice is awkward in spots. The first sentence is a challenge to read and runs on for too long. The reader doesn’t know why “three washing cycles is relevant initially which contributes to the confusion. I don’t know what a “Tune Room” is, but maybe other readers will understand this. I would like more sense of motivation, goal, or conflict to keep the reader interested.

Verdict: Not Hooked

6. MG Mystery

Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and mini-me Elvis walk into a crowded middle school cafeteria.

 Sounds like the set-up for a great joke, right?

 There was nothing funny about it.

 At lunch I was peeling back a rubbery taco shell to see what was so squishy inside, when the giggling started. My best friend Owen said, “Uh-oh. Parental units incoming.”

I turned around. Uh-oh was right. Dad had on his wedding white jumpsuit covered in bling with peacock feathers running down the legs. His chest toupee fluffed out from a deep V and his head hair had so much wax in it, it shone like hard plastic in the bright fluorescent lights. Mom wore her pink satin strapless gown, platinum white wig, stick-on mole and bright red lipstick. My four-year-old brother Robby was decked out in an identical kid-size version of Dad’s outfit.

 Mom swished her skirt and sang in a breathy voice that sounded like she’d gotten the wind knocked out of her, “Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday Miss Trew-ew.” She grabbed me in a hug so tight, I thought my eyeballs might pop right out of my skull. Instead one of her fake boobs popped out the top of her dress.

Notes: I think the references to Elvis and Marilyn Monroe are largely going to be lost on middle grade readers, but this isn’t necessarily a big deal if other elements of the opening are compelling. “Wedding white,” and “fluorescent lights” don’t sound like descriptions that would come from a child. The descriptions could be clearer since you’re shooting for a young audience. For example “fake hair glued on his chest” would mean a lot more to a nine-year-old reader than “chest toupee.”

Verdict: Not Hooked

7. Thriller

Missy splashed Tad and swam out to deeper water. She signaled for him to follow as she bounced up and down off the gravel river bed. She grew tired of lounging in the warmest part of the river cove. It was more like sitting in a bath than cooling off, and the day warmed to a muggy eighty-eight degrees. Only a day at the river made the heat tolerable. A day that dogs stretched out on shady porches; elderly people stayed inside with the air blowing full blast. Kids flocked to the river swimming hole for relief.

 Dozens of tanned bodies piled into the cove this summer day. It was a wide “C” shaped swimming hole with a white gravel beach. This area had no water current. Anyone who ventured beyond the cove could get pulled away by the undertow. Some people paddled boats up and down the river, but the younger kids preferred the safety of the cove.

Trees and brush lined the shoreline making it seem remote though the town was nearby. This appealed to kids of all ages, particularly Missy.

Notes: There’s nothing inherently captivating about this opening. You set the scene well, but there’s too much focus on describing the cove and not enough focus on pulling the reader into the story with personality, conflict, motivation, etc. I would specify that Missy is a child in the opening paragraph to avoid any confusion.

Verdict: Not Hooked

8. MG Mainstream

Nico Sandoval-Arthur was a fat hispanic kid with two dads and no mom. Now you’re probably thinking ‘what a loser,’ which just shows how wrong a person can be because Nico’s life was awesome. That morning Dad had woken up and had a brainwave, and it was about time. It was his first one since ‘Letters for Polar Bears’ and he’d been like a polar bear in a hot desert ever since its collapse. Nico’s other dad, Clive, was singing when he made breakfast. Clive knew that Dad working on one of his brainwaves meant fun and adventure for all three of them.

Notes: I like the premise, and I like what you’re trying to do with the opening, but the voice isn’t working for me. I don’t think most readers will associate being fat, Hispanic, and having two dads with being a “loser,” which means you’re incorrectly assessing your reader’s opinion in the second sentence. This can create an immediate disconnect. There’s no hint of conflict.

Verdict: Not Hooked

9. Mainstream

“HAIR LIKE round snake.”

There was complete silence.

“Hair like telephone wire, papa.” She added after some thought. “Hair like nest.” Now she turned around to face Tara.

 In full display of bad duel etiquette, Tara’s-lack-of-experience-with-children sat there like the elephant in this car. She opened her mouth to say something and closed it. In all potential scenarios she was the loser.

“Hair like mad grass.” The girl tilted her face and studied Tara’s head with an acute eye that only comes with years of experience. “Hair like broomsticks.” She declared.

Notes: I don’t know what’s going on in this opening. I assume they’re playing some kind of game. My interest isn’t piqued enough to want to continue reading to figure it out.

Verdict: Not Hooked

10. YA Science Fiction

El always said that the insane aren’t believers. Now, I see what she means. For weeks I’ve felt normal, like my old self again,as if I’m at home instead of in rehab. Hours out of your body, lost time, brain wandering through simulation after simulation, catheters and tubing awash in a flux of endless chemicals, all in the name of treatment- it’s no wonder I appear to them as insane. Each hit edges me away from the pain, and I start to feel something akin to normal. Not that any one of us as humans know the definition of the word.

Notes: I don’t know what the first sentence is supposed to mean in relation to the rest of the paragraph. The last sentence is fairly cliché as not knowing the definition of normal is a pretty common concept. Overall, the voice isn’t strong enough.

Verdict: Not Hooked

11. MG Fantasy

Arion glowered, “I thought you two wanted to be in the army. What’s changed, Rainia? Have you become a coward overnight?”

The Pixie shrugged helplessly, “It’s not like it don’t want to join. It’s just…. Arion, don’t you think you’re taking this a little too far? If we all simply waited a year—”

 “But I don’t want to wait a year! Don’t you understand? The war is starting now, and if I don’t join soon, I might never get the chance. You and Ferik were going to help me. We were going to do this together. What in the realm could have possibly changed your mind?”

Notes: This doesn’t read like middle grade. Dropping the reader into this dialogue is more confusing than it is intriguing. There aren’t any hints of a unique story, strong voice, or compelling conflict. A war between/among fantasy creatures is extremely common so the opening needs more to stand out.

Verdict: Not Hooked

12. YA Fantasy

Mr. Rothenburg had a family once, a wife, and a daughter. Until a freak accident stole his little girl from him. She was only seven when it happened. Shortly after the accident—about year later—his wife left, unable to cope with the loss of their child, nor with the husband who crawled into a bottle to try and forget, or at the very least, to carry himself in a perpetual cycle of numbness.

Notes: There’s nothing about this that seems like YA. This reads more like a query letter or synopsis rather than a novel opening. There’s too much telling.

Verdict: Not Hooked

13. MG Mainstream

Henry McCarthy was miserable. This was going to be the worst summer vacation ever!

 He jammed a blue push pin into the world map hanging on the wall next to his bed. The pin now covered London, England. A hundred colored pins peppered the map. These were all the places he wanted to travel to someday. He wanted to have adventures just like his mom and dad. But was he going to London or Egypt or Africa this summer? Nooo! Henry and his little sister Abigale were going to Nantucket Island to stay with their mother’s Great Aunt Maggie. Mom and dad were going to London to work at the Natural History Museum.

Notes: The opening concept of having the worst summer vacation ever isn’t particularly fresh or unique. It’s a bit confusing why he’s putting a pushpin on London. Does he use the map to mark where he wants to go or where his parents are going?

Verdict: Not Hooked

14. Historical

The sound of gunfire, distant but distinct, interrupting a fitful dream. Victorine raised up with a start, sleep’s languor quickly departing like darkness does when so much as a candle is lit. She looked over at the tall bedroom windows, which had been left half open to ease the withering July heat. The young woman sat and listened closely, but all she heard was the gentle cooing of doves on the roof above. An only child, her father the Count had taught her to hunt from an early age upon the wide-open game wardens which were part of the Lafourcade family estate outside Soissons. She was quite familiar with the sound of gunfire.

Notes: Opening with a character waking up is a trope. I would like more personality or voice to catch the reader’s interest.

Verdict: Not Hooked

15. MG Fantasy

Travelers who wander through Shandura say that it possesses an inspirational beauty comparable to the joy you feel when you finally reach the top of a mountain and are rewarded with a breathtaking view. Well, that’s what the Shortfellow family felt every time they travelled throughout the once magical realm of Shandura, with its exotic lush forests, flowering meadows, grasslands and wetlands teaming with life, all except for one region, Raven’s Knoll.

 There was no way you could just, stumble upon Raven’s Knoll. It was located at the extreme north end of Shandura. Perched high on its solid rock peninsula, it was the perfect place for the inhabitants to isolate themselves from the rest of the world, and they deliberately planned it that way.

 The inhabitants had masterfully carved out of the mountain, an enormous foreboding wall facing all of the land, creating the illusion of a massive dark fortress towering over the tiny villages that were scattered across the valley below.

The one and only narrow, winding road going in or out had also been hollowed out of the granite cliffs. It had not always been that way, but those that now lived there, specifically designed the road to make anyone who dared enter, feel small and helpless.

 This is where a very old Diddikai Shortfellow, leading his clan of Hopgoblins was going. Hops as they were affectionately called after the natural spring in their step, were pudgy little people that seldom grew taller than four feet high, with big pointed ears, plump cheeks and big round noses and would never admit that they were distantly related to the evil Hobgoblins.

Notes: Overall, this kept my attention throughout and the writing is strong. The first sentence is my biggest complaint because reaching the top of a mountain isn’t something most readers can relate to so the comparison isn’t particularly illuminating. I would expect a young protagonist to be introduced soon as most modern middle grade readers struggle to connect to a conflict without a young protagonist.

Verdict: Hooked

16. MG Fantasy

Taylor May Dawson was sure this would be the chocolate recipe to finally win the contest and beat her friend, her nemesis, Sierra. She jokingly referred to her in private, as her “Fremesis”.

Taylor slid her stylishly large framed glasses up close to her face with one finger and with the other hand, scattered one more handful of rainbow colored sprinkles across her chocolaty creation. Taylor loved her some sprinkles.

 It was gooey, chocolaty, and loaded with colorful sprinkles. What a winner, she thought. Although her chances of winning were good, she has yet to win. There were only three of them in the club, Sierra, Aleah, and herself. They proudly called themselves “The Chocolate Gossip Party”.

Notes: I like the idea, but the narration doesn’t flow well and is awkward in several places. For example, the repetition of “sprinkles” is clunky. I’d like to know more about why Taylor wants to beat Sierra. I would also like to be moved more quickly into the scene and setting.

Verdict: Not Hooked

17. Literary

The smell of oil soap lingered from the sanctuary into the kitchen of fellowship hall kitchen where Genevieve filled communion cups with grape juice. Gen watched the gardener circle his mower around the Stonebrook Methodist Church sign through the window and remembered helping Ms. Harden fill communion cups on the Saturdays when she was a little girl. Of all of the foster parents Gen and her sisters were sent to, Ms. Harden was the kindest. She used to say that each one of the communion cups represented forgiveness. She warned them to forgive at least one person of wrongdoing every time they had the Lord’s Supper, otherwise if they died before the next communion Sunday they would surely go to hell. If Gen took the time to recall every offense in her life, she’d have to drink the whole tray every Sunday for a year to make it into heaven.

Notes: There’s too much telling and backstory right out of the gate. I’d like more voice or a compelling motivation or goal to get the reader invested in an otherwise mundane situation.

Verdict: Not Hooked

18. Thriller

Jack Hosmer pressed the dial button on the cell phone that his assistant had just handed him. It rang once. The voice that answered was low and muffled–unfamiliar to Hosmer.

“Have enough dead customers yet?”

Hosmer snapped back, “Who is this? What do you want?”

 “As far as you’re concerned, I don’t have a name. What I want is five million dollars.”

Hosmer sat up straighter in his chair. As director of security for TMK Pharmaceuticals, he had fielded his share of nonsense calls. This was different. Hosmer’s assistant had received a call earlier in the morning informing her that a cell phone was lying under a dumpster in the loading dock. Her instructions were to give the phone directly to Hosmer.

Notes: Dropping the reader straight into the action can work, but only if you’re able to create an immediate connection with the character and that isn’t happening here. It seems as if you’re starting the story too early. I’d prefer to learn more about Jack and what’s going on in his life (his motivation, his troubles in life) before jumping straight into the mysterious call.

Verdict: Not Hooked

19. Romance

7:00 am Wednesday morning Jayleen Armstrong is in her office seated at her desk.

 Normally when she comes in early on a Wednesday, it is to meet with one of the three young female employees whom she is mentoring. Her focus this morning was on getting a ticket to attend the university’s Annual Strategic Vision Dinner, three months from now. The dinner is for Executive administration. As usual 50 tickets are available on a first come basis for all other staff.

Notes: The writing is strangely formal. I would shoot for more casual language. Words and phrases like “it is,” “whom,” “attend,” and even “her focus” and “are available” read more like nonfiction and don’t captivate the reader.

Verdict: Not Hooked

20. Mainstream

Dry brown leaves drifted down from the tall oak trees crunching under their shoes. As they trudged up the hill to Sunday services, swirls of dust surrounded them. No hope of keeping Sunday clothes or patent leather shoes looking like anything in the heat and dust of late August.

“Mama, come October I’m going to be leaving for Birmingham.”

 “Now Lillian Grace, we’ve talked about this before. Me and your daddy don’t want you going off to no big city the likes of Birmingham. You just need to stay here, buy that farm your daddy has been telling you about…, and just stay here where you belong.”

 “Mama, I am leaving!”

Notes: The dialogue feels stilted and unnatural, especially “Now Lillian Grace.” Bringing the reader in closer to the protagonist would help increase the reader’s investment in what’s occurring.

Verdict: Not Hooked

What Do You Think?

More submissions will be posted tomorrow and every day this week so make sure to check back.

If you did not submit already, you can still submit here.

Comment Question: What changes have you made to your opening after reading the submissions?

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The first plot point is the first major plot point or turning point in a novel. It’s the “point of no return” that forces the character away from the status quo. In today’s video I discuss how to write the first plot point. I also provide examples of four types of first plot points to help demonstrate the concepts.

Video Highlights

• The first plot point marks the “point of no return.” After the first plot point, the character cannot return to the status quo.

• The first plot point should heighten, clarify, or define the stakes. In other words, the reader should now know what the character has to lose.

• The first plot point should occur between 20% and 25% into your novel.

Four Common First Plot Points

The first plot point comes in many shapes and sizes, but today I want to go over four common types of first plot points to help demonstrate how you might execute this element of story structure in your own novel.

1. The Character Becomes Trapped

If the character becomes physically trapped, either willingly (such as at a boarding school) or against their will (such as during a kidnapping or natural disaster), the character is inherently unable to return to the status quo.

2. The Character Becomes Obligated to do Something

When a character becomes obligated to do something (such as care for a child, or act in a play), the character cannot return to life before the first plot point. This forces the character to move forward. It’s important with this type of first plot point that there be some sort of inherent conflict in what the character is obligated to do.

3. The Character Receives an Ultimatum

If anyone with leverage in the character’s life (a villain, employer, partner, parent, etc.) gives an ultimatum, the character is then unable to return to the status quo because of the threat of losing something meaningful. An ultimatum can be as severe as “Bring me a million dollars or I will kill your wife” or as simple as “Bring up your grades in school or lose your football scholarship.”

4. The Character is Being Pursued

When a character realizes they are being pursued or discovers the identity of their pursuer, they are unable to move forward as if they are not being hunted, so this disrupts the status quo. The character could be pursued by the police, by criminals, or even by a ghost from a haunted painting.

This is by no means an exhaustive list of possible first plot points, but I hope the examples help to define a concept that can be difficult to grasp.

Questions to Ask About Your Novel

1. Is there a “point of no return” around the end of the first quarter?

Is your protagonist forced to move in a new direction without hope of easily returning to the way life was before the first plot point?

2. Are the stakes clarified or intensified at the first plot point?

The key to making the first plot point work is that the reader must have a sense of what the character has at stake. What could he/she lose in the central conflict? Without stakes, the conflict will not have enough strength to maintain the reader’s interest.

If you have any questions about writing the first plot point, please post it in the comments below.

 

Comment Question: Does your novel have a first plot point? Did it come naturally or did you have to brainstorm to figure it out?

Workshop #1 critiques will be posted later today and every day this week. If you didn’t get a chance to submit last week, the submission form is still open!

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Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.

I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.

Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.

When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:

• Voice – Is the voice strong, unique, and consistent?
• Clarity – Is it easy to follow what’s going on?
• Connection – Is the character easy to connect with?
• Conflict – Is there conflict or the promise of conflict?

“I Stopped Reading When…”

1. YA Fantasy

December 31st, 2015 | 6.30 pm

 It started like every well planned assassination should – planning with a dry run. The final target was a seven-hundred year old witch. The practice target was any supernatural who could be killed. What had to be tested was the murder weapon. The date of target was February 7th 2016. Time was running out for Barry Vladsun and he knew it.

Notes: The idea behind your opening is cool and has potential, but the current execution needs work. Including both “planned” and “planning” in the first sentence is clunky. The last line is a bit of a cliché so I’d prefer something more original.

Verdict: Not Hooked

2. Mainstream

Boston – 1886. The ticking clock in the downstairs foyer strikes the midnight hour. The chimes echo through the corridors of this elegant Victorian home landing on the ear like sensual music.

 Angelica is the twenty-five year-old mistress of this great house. She is a vain woman. But as vain as she is, she has a right to be. She’s beautiful – or would be if she were a marble statue. In human form, crowned with raven black hair, her alabaster skin seems to glow juxtaposed to a distinct lack of warmth about her.

Notes: The style feels as if you’re trying too hard to sound writerly. It doesn’t seem natural. The protagonist comes across as if she might be a Mary Sue.

Verdict: Not Hooked

3. Romance

Some things in life are better off forgotten, at least that’s my excuse for the gaping holes in my memory. The shrink at my last group home called it a defense mechanism. I think it’s because there isn’t a whole lot of shit in my life worth recalling, and most of the stuff I can remember, I’d rather forget.

Notes: This opening doesn’t at all seem like a romance. The narrator seems contradictory, stating that his/her excuse for the memory holes is that “some things are better off forgotten” but he/she then says it’s because there isn’t anything worth recalling. Those seem like two very different concepts.

Verdict: Not Hooked

4. Science Fiction

 Boyle, in his new form, approached the power board and stood staring through eyes that itched when he blinked. There were marks of glowing and shifting colors on the board. He could see and feel the lights through the residual mental connection he had with the computers. Holding up a limb, he watched as fingers formed on the end of his now male human arm. He examined the new finger nails and turned the hands over to glance at smooth skin.

Notes: I don’t have any connection to the character or to what’s occurring. I’ve seen this concept done many times so a distinct style or unique personality will be necessary to stand out.

Verdict: Not Hooked

5. YA Fantasy

“Oomph” exclaimed as Crista was pushed to the hard concrete floor.

 Connie smirks, “Serves you right you white trash.”

 “Why? What have I ever done to any of you that you would treat me like this?!”

With blue eyes that seemed, to Crista, colder than ice, “Because you exist…Now, girls.”

At her order, Connie’s group started to repeatedly kick her while Crista was in a fetal position. All the while, Crista thought,

 I won’t cry. I will not give them the satisfaction.

Notes: The first sentence seems to be missing a word. “Smirks” isn’t a dialogue tag so shouldn’t be attached to dialogue with a comma. The dialogue itself sounds a bit stilted and not like natural speech, especially the third line. The last two sentences are used too often and border on cliché.

Verdict: Not Hooked

6. Fantasy

One week shy of the full moon, London’s loonies hadn’t stayed home waiting.

 Maybe tonight’s Prince Charmless had taken too many drugs. Maybe he hadn’t taken enough.

 I’d watched darkness bleed into his close-set jittery eyes. I’d chewed my lip as Porn Junkie planned to upgrade himself to rapist in the too-near future. I’d choked back protest while Moni, my best and only friend, had treated his denim thigh as her greasy throne.

Notes: I didn’t initially understand what was going on. After reading it twice, I think you’re describing a guy that the narrator thinks is going to take advantage of her friend. It’s not immediately clear that “Porn Junkie” and “Prince Charmless” are the same person. It’s also not clear if the darkness in his eyes is literal or metaphorical. I think you need a lot more clarity to set up this scene sufficiently.

Verdict: Not Hooked

7. MG Fantasy

Today is the last day of school. I don’t recall springtime ever feeling this warm. Excited sounds of children echo around the schoolyard, but I’m not so happy. I walked the footpath to the schoolhouse with Nicholas following a pace behind. The broad schoolhouse door was wide open, drawing the fresh morning air inside. I turned to Nicholas as I approached the door, holding my palm forward, silently gesturing him to stop. Without hesitation, he stopped and stared at me. I flicked my hand to the side, and he headed to the shade under the tree at the corner of the schoolhouse. I stood watching as he laid down, looking back, thumping his tail on the grass. “Good dog,” I whispered to myself.

Notes: This isn’t a particularly interesting place to start, but it could work if the reason the narrator isn’t happy were explained in a way that hooks the reader. The explanation of the hand gestures isn’t needed and takes up precious space in the first paragraph. I’m not sure if it’s intentional, but it seems as if you’re hiding that Nicholas is a dog initially and this is jarring.

Verdict: Not Hooked

8. Mainstream

The twins were in the hospital for the third time. Mr. and Mrs. Canterbury looked worriedly at the infants through the windows of the pediatric intensive care unit. No one was near the Canterburys at the time. Two nurses attending to the babies, looked at the Canterburys with suspicion, or at least Mrs. Canterbury thought so.

Notes: There’s way too much repetition of “Canterbury” in this first paragraph and that points to the need for more thorough line editing.

Verdict: Not Hooked

9. Fantasy

“We should away,” Gloin said. “The Major bade us be back by dark-fall. Dead is dead that flies the Corson Divide.”

 “Do the trees frighten you, old man?”

The Lieutenant was an Herballist, an unbeliever, and sneered with the superiority of ignorance. A strutting fool who carried a quirt. Gloin ignored the Scamerian. He was an old man, indeed, and had gotten old by respecting those that earned it.

Notes: There seems to be a typo in the first sentence. It’s pretty difficult to follow this opening. It’s not clear which character is “the Lietenant” initially. Calling him “the Scamerian” further complicates the descriptions. I think you’re expecting the reader to juggle too much new information.

Verdict: Not Hooked

10. Mainstream

“It’s time to wake up!” Robyn Martin bellowed from the base of the stairs as she twisted her auburn hair into a messy bun. She hastily walked into the kitchen and flipped on the light. She squinted and rubbed her eyes as the light blinded her momentarily. Robyn filled up the electric kettle with filtered watered and turned on the burr grinder for a hurried cup of coffee. She walked across the kitchen, opened the cupboard that contained the coffee mugs and picked her favorite one, an owl, pushing a pair of glasses up its nose. After she pulled a spoon out of the drawer and gathered the milk and creamer, she left the kitchen to head back upstairs to wake her sleeping brood.

Notes: Opening with a character waking up is a trope. Going over a morning routine won’t hook the reader because there’s nothing inherently interesting or intriguing about it.

Verdict: Not Hooked

11. Mainstream

 Three things happen when your abductors dump you for dead into a roadside ditch high up in the Chilean Andes. First, your body revolts. Nauseous convulsions attempt to purge you of your internal organs – this in response to the intensity of the altitude and other inhumane elements of the mountain environment. The snow that packed your nostrils as your bare face impacted the ground makes breathing more difficult and amplifies the throbbing pressure that assaults your temples.

 Second, your brain panics. The duct tape blind fold you’re wearing sends shots of claustrophobic hysteria throughout your nervous system. Irrational passions distract you from the very rational and serious survival business that should be focusing your attention. Please understand, though there is a motivational quality to it, revenge is an inappropriate thought path when exposure is threatening a generalized breakdown of life functions. All vindictive fantasies should be shelved for later.

 Third, and unexpectedly, your spirit soars. FREEDOM! The responsibility for your life, the decision whether you live or die, has been removed from the whim of a few well-paid mercenaries, and returned to the rightful hands of the Almighty. You are free, therefore, to respond to your circumstances as you choose. Life, or death, will once again result as a consequence of your own capacities and actions, and there is power in that knowledge.

 Soon, that power stokes the small flame of courage welling up in your gut as massive flows of adrenaline release into your system.

Notes: The voice isn’t perfect but this kept my interest throughout and promises an interesting novel with plenty of conflict.

Verdict: Hooked

12. Mainstream

Matt looked down at this hands and realized he was day dreaming again He must have miss calculated the setting on the refrigerant and would need to do it again. This was the second time this week that he had lost his concentration while performing this task. He felt that he was more in a daze and lacked concentration this week than any other this year. He knew that he would soon have to do something keeping focused, but for now he just needed to finish his assignment and get on to the next job. The low level of concentration was weighing him down and he felt like he was not everything he was destined to be.

Notes: This could be significantly tightened to avoid the repetition of “concentration.” In general, it seems as if the paragraph is making the same point in several different ways so most sentences feel redundant.

Verdict: Not Hooked

13. YA Science Fiction

Maris Piper wanted a robot.

 Most of her friends had robots. Most of the people who weren’t her friends had robots. Even that awful Jimmy Smith had a robot. In fact it seemed to Maris that the only place you were guaranteed to definitely not find a robot was right there, in the podule where she lived with her mother and father, Morris and Paris Piper. Of course Maris knew the reason why she couldn’t have a robot. Robots were pretty expensive, and her family were poor. Dirt poor.

 She knew this because six seasons ago, on the very day on which she reached her fourth season, her father had called her to him and sat her down on his knee and said, “Maris, darling, I have something to tell you. We’re poor, Maris, dirt poor.”

 Then he had waved her back outside, empty-handed, to play in the lime-green dust that coated their small back-yard, and most of the planet Ryga. Morris Piper was a man of few words, an ignorant, ill-educated man, but his daughter was bright and his meaning was clear. Maris had understood, even at such a tender age, that birthday presents and gifts would be things for other children to enjoy.

 All through the following six seasons, she had accepted this with good grace, and would always try to smile and never let her parents know how the other children at school would tease her at best, and ridicule her at worst, for her state of poverty.

Notes: This is middle grade, not young adult, which is a very important distinction. I love the idea of a girl wanting a robot. This kept my attention throughout and hooks young readers with the promise of robots which are widely considered cool by the middle grade crowd. I also like how you haven’t bogged down the opening with unnecessary world building while still providing a sense of the setting.

Verdict: Hooked

14. MG Mainstream

I lay belly down on the dusty ground, poised to shoot. Through the scope of my bolt-action sniper rifle, I honed in on the ogre in the valley below me. He was a Tribal ogre. I could tell by the white swirls and symbols decorating his green skin and the piercings covering his face. Two white teeth punched through his lower jaw.

“Are you ready to take the shot Jo?” came Rash’s voice in my earpiece.

“Ready,” I replied.

“I’m coordinating with the other guild leaders. We’ll wait until the ogre’s Hit Points are below ten percent. Stand by for my signal.” Rash said.

 A roar of noise from the battle below me accompanied Markl’s voice in my earpiece. “Just say HP Rash. What kind of noob are you?” I could barely hear him over the symphony of warriors fighting the ogre in the valley. That wasn’t unusual, noise accompanied Markl everywhere he went – battle or not.

Notes: The writing is strong. I’m not a big fan of opening with a fake-out to make it seem like the scene is happening in reality when it’s really a video game. Unless this is virtual reality (which it certainly could be), the first line is too misleading since he isn’t physically on his belly. I doubt this video game scene is important (though, again, it certainly could be) so it feels like it could simply be a gimmicky opening. Of course I can’t tell for sure without reading the novel.

Verdict: Not Hooked

15. Thriller

Can’t a girl go to a party without being kidnapped?

 Phoebe rode behind an offensive troll of a man, tied down like a sack of flour. Half on her side to accommodate her stomach, she looked at the last few riders bringing up the rear. From what she could see, it was a bad thing to be with this bunch. Their masks were down but not their guard. The turn off from the deer path brought them into brambles, catching and tearing hair from her head. None of the men spoke.

 When I get out of here, I’m inventing the portable toilet. Let them burn me for a witch, I don’t care what comes with the comfort of an indoor bathroom.

 The Clan Ferguson tents were set up along the tree line to the far south of the Gathering of Clans. A meeting called in late fall to consolidate sentiment to keep the English dogs from invading to keep the peace. Boarder skirmishes were out of hand, and english lords lost livestock and revenue too often.

Notes: This doesn’t come across as a thriller to me. The first sentence zaps any potential tension from the scene because it makes light of the situation. It’s not clear how you want the reader to feel, but it’s also not clear what’s going on.

Verdict: Not Hooked

16. Mystery

“Jan Abbott, here to see Eunice Cohoon.” I shout this at the iron gates and right at that moment, all the lies in my world began to unravel.

 At my initial visit, I was told her name is Eunice… and Matilda. She’ll let you know which, the head nurse had said with a laugh that was more cold than kind. Today, I sign in and make my way to the long corridor. I’ve been given almost unlimited access to the facility and the woman.

 This isn’t my first trip to Ashland. The first was back when the attending psychiatrist was charged with taking indecent liberties with some of the patients. That was nearly thirty years ago when I was a young and eager reporter for a local newspaper assigned to cover the story and then later, the trial. Those paper and ink days are long gone as is the psychiatrist– Joshua Stein.

 When I left Ashland in the summer of 1985, I vowed never to return. Most would guess the obvious reason why. While that reason would be cause enough for nearly anyone, it wasn’t the real reason. Already, out of the corner of my eye, I’m watching. I’m praying too, knowing it won’t make a bit of difference.

 A year or so after the trial, I did a story on the psychics of Salem. The witches had been done to death so the paper’s editor thought the psychics would be a fun twist on the annual fair he wanted….

Notes: This kept my interest throughout. I’m assuming Eunice has multiple personalities. This might be a tough sell if it’s a significant element of the book because it’s been done quite a lot. I’m not sure what “obvious reason” she left Ashland. Was Joshua Stein angry with her? Were the readers angry with her? This could be clarified. I would also clarify what Salem has to do with Joshua Stein to better tie the opening together. Despite a few snags, I would probably keep reading but with the hope that the telling wraps up and the scene progresses.

Verdict: Hooked

17. MG Fantasy

The rain started to fall harder as Libby crossed the road to number eight, Amber Street. A sudden crash of a thunder made her heart race. Libby looked up at the sky. It sky had never been so dark. Luckily, she seemed to have anticipated the storm, leaving the small green gate half open in the morning. She ran to the front porch stepping into cool, ankle-deep puddles along the way. Wiping the rain from her eyes, she put hers hand in the side pocket of her backpack looking for the keys. She had the small plush penguin keychain in her hand when a soaked, deep ginger cat peeked out from behind the old rocking chair, jumping in her arms.

Notes: It’s taking too long for the scene to progress but this is mainly due to wordiness. I would tighten this paragraph so you can get to the point more quickly. If the storm isn’t a significant plot element, it probably isn’t the best place to start. If it is, I would try to inject some mystery or intrigue as soon as possible. Avoid cliche phrases like “made her heart race.”

Verdict: Not Hooked

18. Romance

2012

 New York

“ There’s no fuckin’ way I’m doing another!…”

He slammed his hand hard against the glass coffee table making the vase and ashtray slightly tremble, like a mild electric current hit them. He ran his hands through his hair desperately trying to regain his composure.

“ But we’ve sold out! The show is sold out ! Do you understand? What about all these people flying from frickin’ nowhere land to see you Dan? ”

Daniel reached for a glass of water but he stopped just before he actually put his hand on it and looked down. Then, he turned and faced Percy.

“ We’re talking about major bucks here man…” Percy continued his usual monologue… “ Your fans would be soo disappointed…I promise you, just two more shows and then, you’ll take some time off .”

Daniel had heard the same story for two months now. He was on tour for five months straight. His couldn’t even remember the last time he went back to his apartment. He was in New York and he didn’t even have the time to visit his own apartment on 54th street. The one he so carefully decorated… Interior designers, Feng shui experts with an obsession for tropical fish aquariums, not to mention his previous girlfriend Becky or shall we say previous girlfriends? Catrina, Allison and Becky…

Notes: The main character being a rock star, having a nice apartment, and having had a series of girlfriends pushes him dangerously close to a trope. This isn’t necessarily a problem for romance, but I would make him a bit more likeable. Make it clearer why Dan doesn’t want to do another show so the reader can relate to him. As it is, he could seem like a “poor little rich boy” having a tantrum, which will make him hard to relate to.

Verdict: Not Hooked

19. Literary

 Ryusei Yanagi once loved a girl named Miwako Sumida.

 They had started as friends, but before he knew it, his eyes were constantly following her; watching where she went, what she did, and what she wore. How she tied her hair and how she adjusted her glasses. When Miwako read a book, she always tilted her head, resting it on her left hand, as if it were too heavy for her. Her right hand would twist around a pen and her eyes would be half-closed. To Ryusei, she had a dreamy look about her.

 Once, Miwako unexpectedly took the seat next to Ryusei in the library. He kept his head down, but he caught a whiff of her shampoo. A sweet summer scent of strawberries, ripe and bursting with flavours.

 Ryusei Yanagi was twenty-two when he attended Miwako Sumida’s wake.

 Miwako Sumida was barely twenty when she hanged herself.

Notes: The last two lines are a great hook, but the first three paragraphs teeter on clichés and tropes. The explanation of their romance just isn’t very gripping or unique. It will initially give the impression that you are setting up a typical/cliché romance with a bunch of telling, which is a problem because agents/editors might not stick around to get to the hook. It also makes your writing seem weaker than it probably is.

Verdict: Not Hooked

20. YA Fantasy

Gods-to-be couldn’t drown, right? At least that’s what Mikor told himself as he plunged into the tepid waters of Crater Lake. But as he sank, his limbs crackled and contorted. Bone grinding against bone unleashed a deafening roar like a wrecking ball crashing into a concrete building. And as pain ripped through him, waves of bluish white light streamed from his body into the abyss below. But despite being half blind, deaf and crippled, he inched forward. Deeper. He scoured the area in search of the little humanity he had left — a gift from his mother. A carved dragon figurine.

 Near the bottom, the boy spied his beloved statuette lodged between two boulders. Its jeweled eyes reflected the light flowing from his body. But reaching for the carving ignited a battle with the beast that seethed within him. The closer Mikor approached his childhood toy, the more the water around him boiled. His body was shifting, his dragon form awakening. And with it, raw energy surged through the lake. But he was too close to give up. Just a little more. Fighting to keep his mind alert, he extended his arms and dragged himself along the sand bed.

 The intense heat that seared his body and pulled him to death’s door was proof that the Islanders were probably right. The beast always won. But who cared if the creature disapproved of what he was doing? Whether he fought it or accepted it, his dragon self would consume his soul a morsel at a time.

Notes: I had some difficulty following this. I’m not sure if he’s actually dying or if the pain is just part of his transformation. I would work on clarity. The writing style seems more like middle grade to me. It might just be because I’ve read too many query letters, but the first sentence seems like a marketing hook/tagline rather than an opening sentence.

Verdict: Not Hooked

What Do You Think?

More submissions will be posted tomorrow and every day next week so make sure to check back.

If you did not submit already, you can still submit here.

Comment Question: Do you have a favorite opening page from a published novel? Why did it work for you?

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Writing characters that feel realistic can be a challenge. In today’s video I give tips on how to make your character seem realistic within the context of your novel. I also provide a list of personality traits and physical traits that are commonly seen as unrealistic by readers.

Video Highlights:

• When characters don’t feel realistic, it’s normally because they have an overabundance of positive traits.

• Characters don’t have to seem realistic in the sense that they could exist in reality. They just need to seem realistic or possible within the world of your novel.

• Internal consistency is another way to make characters feel more realistic. When the character traits, flaw, and motivation all work together, they create a cohesive and realistic whole.

Traits Commonly Seen as Unrealistic

It’s okay to use some of these unrealistic traits so long as they are serving a function in the novel and are not included purely for the purpose of making the character seem better or idealistic.

Using several of these character traits could cause readers to dislike your character and could be seen as a red flag to agents and editors that a writer is an amateur. Of course this depends on how the traits are executed within the novel.

Character traits to use sparingly:

• An unusual appearance
• An extremely attractive appearance
• High contrast between the hair and skin (such as white skin and black hair, or black skin and blond hair)
• Unusual or unnatural eye colors, especially purple eyes.
• A normal appearance that is unnaturally mesmerizing
• Extreme skills or unique skills in a wide variety of areas
• Skills that were not learned
• Uselessness (no skills) yet is treated as valuable by other characters in a group
• An idealistic lifestyle (dates models, drives fast cars, lives in a mansion)

Questions to Ask About Your Novel

1.Does you protagonist have any unrealistic traits?

It’s important for the character to seem realistic within the context of your novel. So long as your character has traits that he or she could have realistically learned, acquired, or been born with, then it’s okay to have a unique or unusual character. But it’s a good idea to avoid giving your character purple eyes or supermodel girlfriends just because it’s cool.

2. Does your protagonist have any traits that could be better justified?

If your main character is a whiz with computers, where did he or she learn that skill? It can be very helpful to provide backstory that explains where skills came from. It’s okay for the character to be highly skilled just because a topic interests them, but make sure to plant those seeds in the reader’s mind early on. A character who suddenly busts out karate moves during the climax is not going to feel realistic.

 

If you have any questions about writing a realistic character, please post it in the comments below.

 

Comment Question: Have you read any characters that seemed too unrealistic to believe? What about them made them so unrealistic?

Workshop #1 critiques will be posted later today and every day next week. If you didn’t get a chance to submit last week, the submission form is still open!

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Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.

I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.

Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.

When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:

• Voice – Is the voice strong, unique, and consistent?
• Clarity – Is it easy to follow what’s going on?
• Connection – Is the character easy to connect with?
• Conflict – Is there conflict or the promise of conflict?

“I Stopped Reading When…”

1. YA Mainstream

My mother and every other woman who lives on Muriel Avenue gets paid to have sex; that’s just how it is. People think it’s shocking or scandalous or tragic or something, but really it’s just a job and a good one too. It also happens to be the family business. My mother and my grandmother and great grandmother before that, all became professional sluts on their eighteenth birthday. For the record, I will too.

Notes: I think you’re relying on the shock value of the concept, but it’s not as strong as it could be. The wording is frequently too vague. For example, “people think it’s shocking” is not as strong as drawing a clear and specific example of how reactions to her mother’s profession impact her. I would also avoid weakening phrases like “that’s just how it is” and “or something.” The voice and writing could be stronger.

Verdict: Not Hooked

2. Romance

The lights were still on. She was relieved. Lena Smith’s fingers flicked the switch on and off four more times for reassurance.

 She promised the electric company they would have their money by Friday and they would have their money. Eventually, her parents were kind enough to cover the fees “this time” (in her mother’s words) but she would either have to get her situation with the shop together or she would eventually have to close it up and move back home so she could get a “real job” again.

 Once upon a time, she did have a real job but she greatly despised it. The pay had been decent and the medical benefits a dream, but it just wasn’t what she wanted or needed. So with the money she had been saving up for whatever unidentified dream she had she put it with her bank loan and parents’ money and truly followed her dreams.

Notes: The opening moves too quickly into telling (rather than showing). The third paragraph provides information about her old job that I don’t feel like I need at this point. “Dream” is used three times in the last paragraph which reads awkwardly. Giving details about what she wants would be stronger than vaguely describing a “dream.”

Verdict: Not Hooked

3. YA Romance

Two days earlier I had been dressed in my winter clothing, breaking ice in the water troughs on our ranch in Wyoming, but now I had on a t-shirt and flip flops, dressed to go to the beach for the first time in my life. From the backseat of our pick-up, I watched as a lush valley came into view. I couldn’t believe I was finally moving to California, to this paradise nestled among the coastal foothills.

“I thought you said this place was on the ocean,” Katy, my younger sister, complained.

 I had had the same thought as her, but hadn’t said anything. Katy was the one who always spoke her mind.

“Aunt Marge said San Luis was inland a bit,” my mom answered.

“How far inland?” Katy asked.

“We’ll find out after we get Sarah’s stuff unloaded.”

Katy let out a long sigh then slumped back against the window.

 Behind me, in the bed of our pick-up sat a load of boxes representing my twenty years of existence. It wasn’t much, just clothing, books and a few personal items, but I didn’t need a whole lot because the small cottage I had rented came fully furnished. My mom followed the directions on her GPS, and not long after we passed the college, we pulled up to a large, two-story, Spanish style home. Katy’s mouth dropped. It looked like a mansion from one of the California mission towns we had learned about in grade school.

“Is this place yours?”

Notes: I think this is probably “new adult” rather than YA since the protagonist is 20. The voice is strong and it kept my attention throughout. Starting with a move is somewhat of a trope but I think the opening is interesting enough to overcome that. The balance between showing and telling feels just right, which is probably your biggest asset.

Verdict: Hooked

4. YA Mainstream

The arrow found it’s mark. It landed at the very edge of the small black painted circle in the center of the target with a satisfying thwack.

 I pulled another on to the bowstring and set up for a second shot, gently guiding my brown mare Sunny with my legs. We circled the paddock and cantered back into position for me to hit the target. I rocked slightly in the saddle, gripping with my legs to stay on Sunny’s back.

 During the summer, Saturday mornings in The Valley were calm, quiet and lazy. For most at least. I rarely took a break from training at a back breaking pace that had taken six long years to get completely used to. Summer was a time of rest and fun for most children. For Informant trainees, it usually just meant more work, more training and even less fun than we were allowed to have during the regular school year.

Notes: I like the idea but there’s a lot of focus on not particularly interesting telling. I would pull the reader into a clearer conflict. Is there something the narrator would prefer to be doing? Is he/she bitter about not having the Summer for fun or is this what the character wants?

Verdict: Not Hooked

5. Romance

Detective Dan Spencer groaned as he looked up from his desk. “Really Brenda, Thanksgiving hasn’t even come and gone yet and you’re already playing Christmas music?”

 “Sorry Scrooge.” She teased and turned the volume down. He ran his fingers through his dark, unruly hair and went back to his report, trying to shut out any more distractions. “Hey, your line is ringing.” She pointed to his phone moments later. He looked up at her with a smirk and picked up the handset.

“Yeah, got it.” He made a quick note on the copy of the report he printed, then grabbed his jacket and headed out.

“Let Tom take it, you’re almost off the clock.” His petite former partner tapped her watch. and followed him to the door. “You’re going to miss the party. It’s starting in a half hour.”

Notes: The reader doesn’t get the impression anything that’s happening in this opening is important. It feels like chit-chat before getting to the point. You’re probably starting the scene too early and/or conflict needs to be added.

Verdict: Not Hooked

6. Fantasy

Raine wasn’t an idiot. She knew what her parents were, just as she knew that the deal they were brokering wasn’t exactly a benevolent one. But if she did anything now, it would prevent her from gaining further intel that could be of use–especially if what they said was true and the princess was there.

 They had landed a few hours earlier onto a small, backwater planet called Earth. It was nice, truly, and while Raine could see its appeal, her only concern was the princess–and on finding her before her parents did. The princess was the only one who could restore order to their planet.

“You would have to give us magic–even the odds a little if what you say is true.”

Raine turned her attention back to the conversation, not liking where this was going. “We’re talking about what’s likely two aliens. We just need you to flush them out–we can handle it from there.”

Notes: It’s a bit difficult to follow what’s happening. I assumed Raine and her parents were aliens, but then they mention they are going to flush out “aliens.” It might be helpful to make it clearer whether Raine is a different kind of alien or a human. The first line of dialogue is worded awkwardly and is confusing as a result.

Verdict: Not Hooked

7. Thriller

Thursday, April 11, 2013.

She lay there moribund, her life force steadily leaking away with the blood. Her face, once beautiful, was now unrecognizable, looking like a bowl of pomegranate seeds.

 Swelling of her mid-brain caused the frequency of her little body’s spasmodic gasps for air to slow, then cease altogether. Blood no longer seeped from her wounds.

 She would never play hopscotch or tag again. She would never get to experience that strange new feeling of butterflies dancing around her belly as she readied herself for that first date. She would never know the joys of motherhood. And she would never not be dead.

Notes: The first sentence (“Her life force steadily leaking away with the blood”) feels a bit cliché. I’m not sure the comparison to pomegranate seeds is working. It took me until the second read to realize this was meant to seem gross/gruesome (mainly because I’ve only eaten pomegranate once in my life). The description of what she’s going to miss out on (first dates, motherhood) is pretty common in both fiction and nonfiction so doesn’t feel unique.

Verdict: Not Hooked

8. Mainstream

“Curse the asshat man that designed these stupid chairs!”

I’ve traveled through so many airports that all have these same banks of uncomfortable black chairs, formed into a single piece, yet separated by metal dividers posing as individual arm rests. Let’s be honest. Somewhere in aviation history some man thought this would be a great way to keep people from sleeping in airports. Comfort clearly was not a consideration, even for those merely waiting between flights.

Notes: A description of airport chairs isn’t a very intriguing place to start because the observations the narrator makes are already pretty standard and well known. I don’t think the subject matter and voice are compelling enough.

Verdict: Not Hooked

9. REMOVED

10. YA Fantasy

Her smile is coated in soft darkness, in mirrors that reflect each other over and over, never ending, in illusions crafted delicately, intricate. It’s not sadism and agony and shattered glass and screaming, but rather the starless, velvety black blanket of a midnight lacking even the glow of the moon as illumination. It’s the tarnishing of pure and shining silver.

 Her eyes are a bottomless obsidian, are the current of a small stream that pulls coursing water over pebbles. Her eyes are a subtle threat, one barely visible and still utterly corporeal. And her eyes are sharp like the edge of a bejeweled dagger.

Notes: The descriptions seem to be trying too hard without saying much of anything. The first paragraph, though it sounds fancy, is almost indecipherable. I think you’ve taken voice and style so far that it’s becoming a detriment rather than a strength.

Verdict: Not Hooked

11. Romance

I believe that if you put in the hard work, the results will come later.

 After taking all of the vital footsteps like holding onto a gig, continuing my schooling, and steering clear of things that were sure to cause difficulties I still felt like I was coming up short in many ways. At times there seemed to be no solutions, just a bunch of dead ends. Once or twice the boiling water scorched, but the perfect mixture of steam and pressure made the lid of teardrops form yet they never overflowed.

Notes: The opening lines are all too generic and don’t give the reader a sense of plot or personality. The first line is a bit clunky and the sentiment isn’t original.

Verdict: Not Hooked

12. MG Fantasy

Emily knew she should be getting ready for school, but why spend a Friday morning making lunch and doing math problems when she could be eavesdropping?

 Through the crack in the basement door, Emily saw her uncle Fabian slumped on the sofa at the bottom of the stairs. Her mother, dressed for work, paced the floor in front of him. Fabian had that just-rolled-out-of-bed look: tousled black curls, unshaven chin, rumpled plaid pajamas. He reminded Emily of her dad—at least, the photos she had seen of him.

“…and I can’t get out of it,” Mom was saying. “Someone needs to stay here with Emily.”

Emily sighed. Mom had more and more surprise business trips lately, one a month at least. Normally that meant Emily staying with her grandparents, but they were on a cruise.

“Sure, I’ll do it.” Fabian’s voice was tinged with a weird accent, similar to British. “She eats that puree stuff out of the little jars, right?”

Mom stopped pacing and put her hands on her hips. “She’s twelve.”

 “I’m joking, Evelyn.”

Emily couldn’t see her mother’s face, but she knew she wasn’t laughing. Mom hadn’t laughed in almost twelve years.

“Can I count on you?” Mom asked.

“Of course. I’m a good uncle.”

Mom snorted. Emily didn’t understand why she was so harsh. Sure, Fabian hadn’t been around much when Emily was younger. But he was here now, so why not give him a chance?

Notes: The writing is strong, and I immediately see the promise of conflict which is very powerful in capturing the reader’s interest. In order to maintain that interest, there needs to be a shift fairly quickly that allows Emily to be more active so she isn’t just listening.

Verdict: Hooked

13. Mainstream

The two girlfriends clomped into the bar, unzipped their layers of puffy clothes and unbuckled their ski boots. They piled accessories in the middle of the the log cabin-esque table of gloves, hats, helmets and goggles. The Lodge, known for their apres-ski specials, was typically full of tourists on the weekends and nearly empty otherwise. Locals rarely set foot in the place. Tacky bear and moose decor hung from the log and faux chinking walls. It was much too cliché for the locals to hang out there.

 Isabel and Nina were both exhausted from a full day on the mountain, the freezing Colorado winds had shot stinging snowflakes on what little skin was exposed during their long day of skiing. They had taken full advantage of the six inches of powder that had fallen the night before, plus the generous amounts which had continued to fall throughout the day.

Notes: There’s not enough intrigue in this opening. The details about their trip aren’t inherently interesting and the reader isn’t given any context for why this trip is important.

Verdict: Not Hooked

14. Thriller

As Dick clattered down the steel steps to the basement of the Gothic Revival Methodist Church, he had no idea how tonight would change his life. He shouldered his way through the group of smokers who had congregated in the small area just outside the doors. They brandished their cigarettes with stylised gestures possibly in an effort to offset the destructive nature of a nicotine addiction.

 In the large hall now used as a community centre, he was greeted variously by familiar faces. He helped himself to a couple of bourbon biscuits and a cup of tea from a wobbly, sodden trestle table in the corner.

 The walls were adorned with letters of the alphabet painted by children, along with a variety of posters created for the pastoral advancement of young minds. How appropriate, thought Dick with an inward smile.

 He wandered over to help Oliver, the secretary of this meeting, place the chairs in a circle.

Notes: The writing is strong and I’m almost hooked, but there isn’t quite enough promise of conflict for me. Dick seems to be milling about without clear direction. I would avoid the phrase “change his life” because it’s fairly cliché.

Verdict: Not Hooked

15. Mainstream

The first time I heard the child crying was on a Tuesday morning at the end of winter. It hadn’t rained for four months, and the dry Johannesburg air sparked with static, my every action accompanied by its own little shock. Doorknob, computer keyboard, kettle, each snapped their objection to my good-morning touch. My lips were painfully split, the skin on my arms and legs as scaly as the leathery skins of the skinks that lived in the fissures of my cracked veranda tiles. I’d woken late and managed to fumble a cup of coffee, still only half-dressed, when the phone rang with a pre-arranged call from a therapist in LA who had sent me two drawings for an opinion. His name, Dr Zane Peridone, brought to mind anti-depressants, but his voice was deep and resonant — I’d seldom heard a voice so deep. I put him on speaker and at the sound, Freddie-the-Fixer, my golden retriever-cross-mutt, rolled over onto his back and bared his tummy as if expecting the American to appear and give it a rub.

 ‘Dr Redding?’ said Peridone.

 ‘Call me Scott.’ I shivered, wishing I’d pulled a sweater over my t-shirt before answering the call.

 ‘Sure, Scott thanks for agreeing to take a look,’ he said. ‘I know you get a lot of requests.’

 ‘Happy to. I have the drawings on the screen in front of me. The young man who drew them is a refugee?’

 ‘Yes, he’s suffering from traumatic amnesia and can’t remember anything about his old life.

Notes: This kept my interest throughout. I really thought the narrator was female until he calls himself “Scott.”  I think it’s because we generally associate children and concerns over dry skin with females. The writing is smooth and clear. I’m hooked, but I would need a bit more personality later in the scene or in the following scene in order to stay hooked.

Verdict: Hooked

16. Literary

“Crispy bro … that guy, he should have been burnt big time crispy. Can’t believe he alive,” the man said, shaking his head.

“Yup. The good Lord was watching over him for sure. And that bus stop. Got in there just in time.”

 “He doing Mass every day now … don’t go no place without them rosary beads.” The men laughed. “Tell you what though, that pig price is going up … guaranteed.”

They could not know that minutes from then, and not thirty yards from where they stood, another would not be spared. It was late, and though the overtime would help pay the bills, they were tired, hungry, and wanted home.

Notes: The dialogue is a bit disorienting. It’s very tough to start with dialogue without the reader feeling lost. I’m not sure the dialogue is the best choice, especially because the reader isn’t given a clear indication of who the protagonist is.

Verdict: Not Hooked

17. YA Science Fiction

The blow of another explosion knocks me over. I press my face into the dirt and throw my hands over the back of my head. The muddy scent mixes with stinging smoke from plastic that must be burning nearby. When I peek up I have to squint. I know I should run, but I’m frozen. I don’t want to leave them behind like this. Even though I know I can’t save them anymore. It’s too late.

 My brother yanks at my arm and drags me farther away from what’s left of our home.

 I can’t make my legs move, but my eyes keep shooting around. The evening light pulses with gunfire, shadows scurry through the neighboring backyards, our rusty swing set still reels with the ghost of the last blow.

 Then a whimper. The little girl from next door? The one who found out that we were hiding a little girl just like herself?

 When my head jerks towards the sound I search the silhouette of the green chicken wire which she had pressed her pink lips against once and mumbled that she thought we were brave. That she hated that families had to pay for having children — even the poor ones.

 Wild-eyed I shout, “Lily?”

 “Shut up!” Lukas drops me and a second later covers my mouth with one hand. But his grip is so tight his fingertips dig deep into my cheeks, press in between the rows of teeth and force my jaw open. “Shut up, you hear me?”

Notes: I’m intrigued by this opening but watch out for unnecessary uses of “I know” which can be cut for a smoother read. Why does Lukas drop the narrator in the last paragraph? Was he carrying him before? Overall, you did a nice job opening with action that leaves the reader intrigued and this helps you overcome a couple issues with the writing.

Verdict: Hooked

18. YA Mainstream

We wouldn’t have been so reckless if we had known that in less than a year one of us would be dead. It’s strange. No one ever expects a simple choice, like where you’re sitting, to be the difference between life and death. It’s been three months now. I try to numb myself, but the realization fights through me and plants itself inside my heart. Reality is hard to come to terms with. My friend is dead and nothing can change that. Death happens to your grandma, not your best friend.

 My counselor tells me it takes time to grieve. She says one day I’ll make sense of it all. I find that hard to believe. How can she understand what I’m going through? But, sometimes, when she smiles sympathetically as I cry, I wonder if she does understand. Maybe she’s lost someone too.

Notes: The voice isn’t quite there yet. I like the first line, but then many of the follow-up sentences need tightening. I would cut the fourth through seventh sentence in the first paragraph for a punchier opening. The paragraph about the counselor needs a clearer point/objective – should the reader worry about her never getting over her friend or feel sorry for her for being in counseling or empathize with the counselor?

Verdict: Not Hooked

19. MG Mainstream

The last time anything really interesting in our small-town Ohio neighborhood was two years ago, in August of 1970. That was when the Boyd’s only son, Max, disappeared. Max was about 18 then. He was tall and skinny, wore a white t-shirt, black glasses and had a butch haircut. He always said hello, or waved if he rode past me on his Harley Davidson. Max Boyd kept to himself, but I liked him. He could be a loner, kind of like me. Being an only child myself, I looked up to him as the older brother I wished I had.

 Change was not a regular part of life in our neighborhood. No one moved away. The closest thing to leaving town was when a couple of older boys would go off to summer camp every year. Too bad they couldn’t ever have stayed for good. People stayed put. No one ever died. One of my friends would sometimes get a new baby brother or sister; that was no big deal.

Today, however, brought with it a sort of change that happens every June. Only fifteen more minutes until the official start of summer vacation! Whenever the second hand ticked forward, it looked like it went backwards first! The last day of school is a big deal, for obvious reasons. And it did bring with it a change in routine for awhile, for better or for worse, and this year the end of fifth grade with my favorite teacher, Mrs. Turner.

Notes: There’s a missing word in the first sentence. I like the voice, but the narrator sounds like an adult thinking back on his childhood in the first two paragraphs, but then seems much younger in the last paragraph. I would cut the exclamation points.

Verdict: Not Hooked

20. Mainstream

It would have been easy to forget where one was. With the splendid campus, the wide open spaces, one might have felt that nothing could go wrong. One often wondered about the strictness of certain rules. Why not let the kids run off to the restrooms? Why not open one’s door in response to a tender knock? Alas, the lovely jacaranda trees that dotted the campus created an inviting but deceptively safe environment. One might have felt like sauntering about, humming a sweet tune, but if you were 14 years old, doing so could invite attack. It could mean a severe beating by a rival gang, a savage sucker punch delivered to one’s lower back, or sexual assault.

Notes: The use of “one” repeatedly in the opening sentences is awkward and clunky. I don’t think it’s needed. I would prefer to simply read about the thoughts and observations of the fourteen-year-old.

Verdict: Not Hooked

What Do You Think?

More submissions will be posted tomorrow and every day next week so make sure to check back.

If you did not submit already, you can still submit here.

Comment Question: Do you feel you learn more from seeing openings that do work or openings that don’t work?

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One of the best ways to create a realistic character is to give him or her a character flaw. Real people have problems, obsessions, emotional instability, and a whole host of flaws. Today I’m going to talk about how flaws can improve your protagonist and why a flawless character can be problematic.

For more information about the character arc and backstory, check out Creating Deep Realistic Characters.

Video Highlights:

• A character flaw will make your protagonist more realistic and easier to relate to.

• The character flaw is an integral component of the character arc. Without a flaw, a strong arc is not possible.

• A horrible or unlikable flaw can be forgiven if the reader understands the backstory that led to the flaw.

• Quirky or slightly negative personality traits are not flaws if they do not cause the character significant difficulty and if they do not tie in with the backstory.

• The character flaw leads the protagonist to make bad or incorrect decisions that make it more difficult for the character to achieve his or her goal.

Questions to Ask About Your Novel

1.Does you protagonist have a flaw that impacts his/her ability to achieve the goal?

Your protagonist’s flaw should have some negative effects on his life. Maybe he is too guarded with his emotions. Maybe he is too stingy with his money.

The key to an effective character flaw is consequences. Stay away from “cutesy” flaws that don’t have any effect on his life. It might be fun if he always chews grape-flavored gum, but that’s not a flaw, it’s just a quirk. A flaw needs to actually interfere with the character’s life.

2. Where does your character’s flaw come from?

Many writers skip this step and don’t provide a compelling reason for their character’s flaw. If your protagonist gets drunk on the job, why does she do this? How does it connect with her backstory? A connection to a previous event can help legitimize and add richness to a character flaw. A strong connection with backstory is what separates a personality quirk and a true flaw.

If you have any questions about writing a flawed protagonist, please post it in the comments below.

Comment Question: Did you know your character’s flaw right away or did you add one later?

Workshop #1 critiques will be posted later today and every day this week. If you didn’t get a chance to submit last week, the submission form is still open!

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Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.

I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.

Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.

When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:

• Voice – Is the voice strong, unique, and consistent?
• Clarity – Is it easy to follow what’s going on?
• Connection – Is the character easy to connect with?
• Conflict – Is there conflict or the promise of conflict?

“I Stopped Reading When…”

1. Mainstream

Claire Evans takes one last picture of her son before his class line is led away by his new teacher. Blake turns back and waves at her every few seconds making sure she is still there, watching. His tiny head popping in and out from his place in line. Suddenly the line stops and his body smashes into the girl in front of him making her turn and scowl at him. For eight, Blake is small; the top of his head lining up evenly with the chins of his classmates. I hope there’s a growth spurt in his near future. Just before his class rounds the corner he takes one last glance at Claire.

Notes: Overall, the narration needs to settle closer to either Claire or Blake. As it is, the reader isn’t sure which character is more significant. There is also no sense of why this moment is important to either character so there is a lack of an emotional charge or connection. Sure the first day of school is emotional, but what makes it different for Claire than for every other mother?

Verdict: Not Hooked

2. YA Mainstream

I’m thankful for the night, the darkness, this cave that hides us. Next to me Asha sleeps fitfully. I continue to stroke my sister’s hair, hoping to provide her at least a little bit of comfort as I consider what to do next.

 I’m exhausted and scared, but there is no time for that right now.

 Our parents are gone. I don’t know if they’re dead, just that they are gone and I need to take care of my sister now. What happened after Dad turned off the road to escape the Movement’s Patrol is hazy at best. I remember him turning off the headlights and how dark it was. I remember Asha screaming, clinging to me as we sideswiped a boulder and the car jerked to a stop.

Notes: The reader isn’t being pulled into a clear scene because the details are too sparse. I’d like more details about the cave, more personality from the protagonist, and it would probably be stronger to start while the protagonist is doing something other than sitting thinking about his/her parents.

Verdict: Not Hooked

3. MG Mainstream

‘That’s extraordinary!’ exclaimed Lizzie’s grandfather. He slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand, causing his round, metal-rimmed spectacles to jump down his nose. ‘I’ve never seen anything quite like it.’ His white, neatly trimmed moustache started to quiver with excitement.

 ‘Like what?’ asked Lizzie, who had been waiting patiently for her grandfather to finish her astrological birth chart.

 ‘Well, what we have here,’ he said, pointing at a large piece of paper spread out on the low coffee table in front of him, ‘is a picture of the solar system. It shows the positions of the sun, the moon and the planets at the very moment of your birth. These tell us something about your character – head strong and impulsive – which we know already don’t we?’ he chuckled, looking up at Lizzie with a gleam in his eye. ‘It also allows us to see into the future.’

 ‘How?’ said Lizzie, peering down at the drawing on the paper. It looked like a large wheel divided into twelve segments with a central hub and lots of coloured symbols and numbers everywhere.

Notes: I get the sense the story is starting too early and too abruptly. It feels as if you’re starting in the middle of a scene. The reader needs to get some sense of Lizzie’s personality and desires in order to relate to her.

Verdict: Not Hooked

4. Romance

I seemed to be unable to wash the dishes fast enough. I have so much that I have to do before picking up the kids I start to think why bother. There is no way I am going to do everything I have to. I keep going, and as I do, the evening errands start to creep into my head. I can’t remember which kid has to go where and it’s getting very crazy in my head. I know I have to go to a meeting at one of the kid’s schools and I’m not sure what it’s for. I am on the PTO as well as the School Committee and most times I forget the agenda until someone starts talking and I wing it from there.

 Like most moms, I think I have way too much on my plate. I have been thinking of stepping down from both groups because it has been interfering in my home life more often than not.

Notes: The reader has no reason to care about her chores. Her observations are pretty typical, which I think you’re aware of given the line “like most moms.” The key is to make her stand out, to explain what’s different about her, and a chore list isn’t going to do that.

Verdict: Not Hooked

5. YA Thriller

Poppy Middlestone was one of those girls. Everyone wanted to be like her. In the third grade, when she bought a bright red bow and wore it like a tiara the next week everyone else bought the same bow and wore it the same way.

 I bought a bow.

 She turned heads. She made parents stop and comment with things like “I wish my daughter were as well behaved and polite as that Poppy.”

When Poppy decided to chop off her hair into a cute Peter Pan pixie cut, our entire sixth-grade class did the same.

Notes: Everybody knows a girl like Poppy but I think that’s your problem here. I feel like I’ve seen similar openings in the past. The idea of the popular trend-setting girl isn’t unique and the examples given aren’t particularly compelling.

Verdict: Not Hooked

6. Fantasy

Clarice Bell pulled her lace shawl tight as she stepped out of the well-lit Savoy Theater. The November air was chill, but what truly caused her to shiver was the blackness of the London night. The Savoy had been so grandly lit with electric lights, while the streets outside offered murky darkness punctured by the pale yellow glow of gas-fueled street lamps. Cloud cover and smog smothered both moon and stars.

 Her husband, Henry, secured a two-seated brougham, pulled by a single horse. The bored looking driver lounged in his seat up front, although he managed to tip his hat at Clarice’s approach.

Notes: The descriptions feel too typical and expected. Phrases like “pulled her shawl tight,” “the blackness of night,” “darkness punctuated by streetlamps,” “bored looking driver” are phrases I’ve seen in dozens of manuscripts. I would dig deeper for a more unique voice. I’d also provide some sort of intrigue or a hint of conflict to catch the reader’s interest.

Verdict: Not Hooked

7. Romance

Joanna Rutledge Reed shifted the straw basket hanging from the crook of her elbow and took inventory. Tomatoes, fat and heavy, from the man in the corner stall, garlic bulbs – only garlic, nothing else – from the gypsy near the fountain. A toy she knew her six-year old daughter Gracie would love, and a jar of sticky fig preserves for her morning toast. The last thing on the list was fresh basil.

 The late-summer sun warmed Joanna’s shoulders as she navigated the cobblestones across the square to the herb vendor. In the corner, shielded from the sun and displayed in jars of water was the basil, deep green and bundled loosely with kitchen twine. Sunlight bounced off the water and reflected against the yellow tablecloth. The colors and the scents were so intoxicating, that Joanna slowed, just to take it all in: the market, the square, Rome.

Notes: I would need a lot more personality from the protagonist to be gripped by this opening. It seems that there is no reason to start at this point other than to introduce the setting. I would start with something more intriguing or with some hint of conflict to help maintain the reader’s interest.

Verdict: Not Hooked

8. Literary

There was only sound. I knew there was sound because I could hear nothing.

 The woman beside me reached over the armrest, her fingers looking for something to dig into. They found my skin, and it started to bleed. I felt nothing. Her other hand thumbed through her prayer beads, 108 reminders of a life that would soon be gone. She spoke to herself softly. That is what I felt—that spark of life amidst chaos that says, “Please, God, let me have a few more moments.” Smoke shot past the windows. It was thick and black. The woman next to me closed her eyes and dug in deeper, waiting for God to answer in a different way than this.

 I gulped hard and the panic crawled down my throat. I could hear the sound now. The screaming sound of metal hitting air.

 I adopted the woman’s prayer beads as my own. As she moved them through her fingers, I counted. One. A bead for my mother. I thought of the grief she would have felt upon hearing she had lost her only daughter. The guilty swell of adrenaline and the tiny voice in her head hinting that it could have been different.

 Two. I counted a bead for my father, the ghost who had brought me to this moment so I could feel my mortality one last time.

 Three. There was a boy, I don’t know why I remembered him just then. We had shared a blanket once during our senior year as we watched the stars at 2 a.m. in an empty field. Everyone had either left or was too drunk to drive home, except the two of us. I thought he might kiss me, but he never got closer than a couple feet away. He didn’t want to ruin the connection that two people feel when they don’t know enough to think better of it. Instead, we sat there, fearing the vastness of the universe and the billion random acts that had taken place to bring us together to a single place at that precise time. I wondered where he was now, if he was asleep or awake, and if he ever looked up at the sky and thought about me.

Notes: You’re very close but the voice needs work. Avoid overused phrases like “I wondered if he ever looked up at the sky and thought about me.” The format of numbering the beads is also going to get old very quickly so hopefully doesn’t last much longer than this opening. I’m assuming this is a plane crash. I’m not sure being coy about that is adding anything to the opening.

Verdict: Not Hooked

9. YA Mainstream

She daren’t open her eyes it wasn’t her bed, well it didn’t smell right and who the hell was snoring like a pig. He smelt of puke and onions. She moved away very slightly. What happened last night? It was no use she had to move away some more before she elbowed his face to shut him up. Too scared to open her eyes , God who was he?

Notes: There are major problems with run-on sentences and incorrect punctuation and this makes the excerpt far too difficult to read.

Verdict: Not Hooked

10. YA Romance

Message you have. Answer or answer not. There is no try.

 Daniel white opened his groggy eyes and jerked his head away from the blazing morning light leaking past the slats of his tightly closed window shades. He squinted at the clock on the nightstand next to his bed. “Holy hell,” he croaked out as the numbers came into focus. His girlfriend Debbie had been so cold, distant recently, and there could be only one reason she would text him at seven in the morning.

Notes: I don’t know what the first paragraph has to do with the second paragraph considering Daniel was asleep prior to the second paragraph. Opening a novel with the character waking up is a trope and the voice isn’t strong or unique enough to overcome that.

Verdict: Not Hooked

11. YA Fantasy

 “I’m a wizard?”

The boy looked so hopeful, his muddy green eyes bright behind his glasses.

“No,” Violet said. Why was it always wizards and warlocks and magicians?

 It was scary how fast his face fell. Violet stammered, scrambling to say something to reassure the kid, but he spoke before she could.

“But I can do magic,” He stomped his foot, his face screwing up into a scowl. “That means I’m a wizard!”

 “Sh!” Violet said, clamping a hand over the kid’s mouth. She looked around, making sure no one was within earshot before speaking. “Yeah, kid. You can do magic.”

A whole lot of it. The kid’s magic littered the park, a thin misting of white light. She imagined that even if she couldn’t see magic, she would be scared.

“That doesn’t mean you’re a wizard,” she continued. “You’re an elf. We’re elves.”

Notes: I think this dialogue is meant to be funny, but the reader is too disoriented to find it funny. I would use the second or third paragraph to orient the reader to what’s going on and to which of these characters is the protagonist. This will help create a connection with the characters so they aren’t talking strangers.

Verdict: Not Hooked

12. YA Fantasy

I always got stuck.

 My fingers hovered over the keys, unmoving.

 I had dreamed the night before of dust, plumes of it rising up in waves and bathing everything in sight.

I had dreamed the night before of desert. Of a single pink flower far in the distance, swaying in the breeze, just barely held onto a dying tree by a fraction of a stem, slowly dying, withering away.

Notes: Opening with a dream or a description of a dream is a trope. The images of the dream aren’t compelling or interesting enough to tempt me into reading more.

Verdict: Not Hooked

13. Fantasy

The ball of fire hovering in my open palm glowed bright. I held my breath, narrowed my eyes and concentrated, letting loose a tiny burst of my power. The flames leapt and danced in response as the colors began their transition: yellow warmed to orange, which slowly blended into an exuberant red, and finally with a flicker, came white.

 I smiled as my body hummed with energy, and admired the beauty and strength of my own magic. There’s really only one way to classify someone as skilled at manipulating their element as I am: badass.

Notes: Balls of colored fire or energy coming from a character’s palms is very common so opening with this fails to put a unique foot forward. I’m sure the last line of this excerpt is meant to be unique and endearing, but it reads as more arrogant and off putting.

Verdict: Not Hooked

14. Fantasy

Prologue: 1987

“Thoth. I can’t thank you enough for this night. It was…” Aja trailed off. She rubbed her arm nervously and Thoth, mistaking it for the chills, took off his jacket.

 Thoth wrapped the jacket around her shoulders and squeezed them. They stared into each other’s eyes not knowing what to say or how to say it. In such a short time they had already grown close. To Thoth, it felt like he had found his best friend and nothing could have made the night more perfect

Notes: The writing isn’t unique enough and the scenario lacks tension and feels cliché. Avoid overused phrases like “stared into each other’s eyes,” “not knowing what to say,” “in such a short time they had already grown close,” “nothing could have made the night more perfect.” Dig deeper for a more unique voice.

Verdict: Not Hooked

15. MG Fantasy

May 20, 1943

 The wind started slowly and rose from the west, always a dangerous sign in York. Within a few minutes it started whipping up pebbles and debris from the ground, hurling them on Michael Wilke’s legs, his arms and his face.

 If I can get below the river bank I should be low enough that the worst of this wind will blow over me, he thought.

 Michael turned his back to the wind and made a diagonal dash toward the river, wildly leaping over the rows of tiny corn plants. He stumbled and fell face first into the dirt. The puzzle box tumbled off his shoulder, and bounced twice before landing about four feet away. Michael scrambled to his feet. He dashed over, picked it up and quickly ran his eyes over the sleek wood. It looked all right. Next he checked to make sure his food stash hadn’t fallen out of the towel. It’s all fine. He heaved a sigh of relief.

 But there was no time to linger because the storm was coming up fast and furious.

 He brushed off the puzzle box and slipped the strap securely across his chest. He glanced backward and saw deep purple clouds rapidly approaching. For a minute he thought it looked like the clouds were riding on huge wild horses, galloping, galloping toward him.

 What to do? What to do? He worried as he raced toward the river. The storm looked as if it would be upon him in a few minutes.

Notes: This kept my attention throughout and the writing is strong, but I think the voice and/or Michael’s personality could be stronger to give the reader more to sink their teeth into. I would read on, but with the hope that characterization and voice come through just a bit more in the coming pages.

Verdict: Hooked

16. YA Fantasy

Molly felt the stick shove into her stomach. Her breath gushed from her, and she doubled over. The gathered crowd laughed. Molly thought she might throw up. Peace jammed the stick into Molly’s legs, and Molly sank to her knees, her hands landing in the red moist dirt in front of her. Molly couldn’t concentrate on the fight. She worried about Paul, her twin brother. Peace gave one more shove of the stick; and Molly’s face fell into the dirt, too. Molly was losing way too fast, and the match looked like it would soon be over. Molly knew that Paul would be disappointed in her – but then, he should have been there to support her. As sixteen-year-old refugees from the North, stick-fighting was Molly and Paul’s source of income. But after today’s performance, Molly thought she might need to rethink her money-making strategies. She closed her dark eyes. The dirt pit spun around her, and the crowd taunted her.

Notes: I like that you’re starting with conflict, but the play-by-play details of the first few sentences don’t give the reader a lot of room to connect with Molly. Instead of breaking up the description of the fight with an explanation of why she’s worried about Paul, I would separate these into two distinct paragraphs. I’d like to feel more emotion from Molly and to have a better understanding of what’s at stake for this specific fight so that I care more about the details.

Verdict: Not Hooked

17. Thriller

“Shit. Shit. Shit,” Mac said.

 She ran from three men as they were chasing her. Mac swore she recognized one of the men, if they caught up with her, her life would be over. She jumped over a six foot tall fence with ease, she thought, thanks dad. Mac ran her fastest and just as she thought that she lost them, a car pulled up and stopped her in her tracks.

“Holy crap.”

A tall man in army fatigues stepped out of the car. She recognized the crew cut and arrogant crooked smile.

“Toby,” Mac said.

 She prepared to fight.

“So we meet again, Mac. I missed you,” said Toby.

Notes: A protagonist with magical abilities being pursued by the military is very common so extra strong writing will be needed to make this scene feel unique. I don’t get a sense of Mac’s personality and her dialogue of generic curses isn’t helping with that. Toby’s dialogue is extremely cliché.

Verdict: Not Hooked

18. Science Fiction

The soft light trickled in through the curtains as Jane lay on the mattress. Every time she moved, puffs of dust floated into the air, the motes twinkling in the sun. Breathing in the cool, morning air Jane tried to remember where she was.

 I need to stop taking those pills.

 The old, abandoned house creaked around her. It was a lovely home. It was large, had curtains, wooden floors, and wasn’t too badly damaged. It was the only intact house left in this neighborhood and it would have made a nice permanent settlement if it wasn’t so far away from other towns.

 After what seemed like an hour, Jane sat up in the bed and realized how hungry she was.

Notes: I don’t think you’re starting at the right point in your story. The opening is too slow and nothing of interest happens. I think you chose this point to open your story so that you could introduce the setting, but it’s not enough to catch the reader’s interest. Opening with a character waking up is a trope.

Verdict: Not Hooked

19. Science Fiction

Some people strive for money, others for fame. The most disgusting ones strive for power. All I desire is going back home. Kiss mom and dad. Drink hot chocolate and tell them I love them. But when you’ve don what I’ve done, going back ain’t an option. These feelings are so strange to me. I usually don’t think about that time, when I had a family, when I was… happy. Within the last three years I’ve been beaten up quite a few times, I crashed my bike at 80 miles per hour, and a guy shot me in the leg, and yet none of that hurt as much as what I’m feeling right know.

Notes: The first two lines feel irrelevant and aren’t gripping. “When you’ve done what I’ve done” and “going back ain’t an option” both feel like phrases I’ve read many times before so the voice isn’t coming across as unique. You’re not showing the reader anything nor giving enough details about the character to make this opening compelling.

Verdict: Not Hooked

20. MG Mainstream

The door flung open. Ruthy sat up straighter. Principle Gate greeted Ms. Marshall first.

“Not sure why you’re here Ms. Marshall,” he said, irritated.

“I’m here as a character witness for Ruthy and a mediator if-“

 “Mediator? Mediator!” he turned to Ruthy, “you don’t need a mediator. What you need is a mouth piece.”

 “Mr. Gate-“

Ruthy leaned forward, intentionally speaking evenly, “Mr. Gate, I don’t need the mouth piece, your teachers do. You have suspended me for yelling at a teacher, but that teacher was bullying a student. I was simply standing up for my peer.”

Notes: The voice, characters, and content all seem off for MG. Your readers are 8-12, so words like “character witness” and “mediator” aren’t going to mean anything to most of your readers. Ruthy doesn’t speak like a child.

Verdict: Not Hooked

What Do You Think?

More submissions will be posted tomorrow and every day this week so make sure to check back.

If you did not submit already, you can still submit here.

Comment Question: Did you notice any trends in what did and didn’t work in the novel openings?

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A great protagonist drives the plot by being proactive about his or her goals. In today’s video I discuss how you can write a main character who acts as the primary driving force behind the novel’s action.

Video Highlights:

• The protagonist should be the main driving force behind your novel. The bulk of the story isn’t happening “to” them, but rather they are driving the story.

• The protagonist needs to take active steps towards his or her goal, even if those steps are interfered with or aren’t helpful.

• Your protagonist’s flaw will most likely cause him or her to get into more trouble when the protagonist’s proactive behavior is counterproductive.

• Even characters who avoid conflict can take active steps in their avoidance.

• Victims of abuse, bullying, or circumstances are particularly vulnerable to becoming inactive. It’s important to make sure a victimized character is still taking steps towards a goal.

Questions to Ask About Your Novel

1. What proactive steps does your protagonist take towards his/her goals?

It’s vital that the protagonist put effort into pursuing her goals so she doesn’t sit on the sidelines waiting for someone else to solve her problems. The protagonist must be striving to accomplish her goals by taking concrete actions.

2. Is your character overly reliant on other characters?

Make sure your character has enough bravery and tenacity to move towards his goals. He might have lots of negative traits and his actions might move him deeper into trouble, but he shouldn’t only be taking orders from other characters or relying on others to solve his problems. He has to put on the big boy boots and do most things by himself.
If you have any questions about creating a character who drives the plot, please post it in the comments below.

Comment Question: Does your character take charge or does he or she have a tendency to watch from the sidelines?

Workshop #1 critiques will be posted later today and every day this week. If you didn’t get a chance to submit last week, the submission form is still open!

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Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.

I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.

Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.

When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:

• Voice – Is the voice strong, unique, and consistent?
• Clarity – Is it easy to follow what’s going on?
• Connection – Is the character easy to connect with?
• Conflict – Is there conflict or the promise of conflict?

“I Stopped Reading When…”

1. Romance

I let my cursor go back and forth between yes and no, wondering why there isn’t a third option. At least Facebook events let you tick the maybe box. But this RSVP form is merciless.

“I don’t know about this, Jules,” I say, clasping my mobile phone between my ear and my shoulder. “Do we really have to go to this alumni event?”

“Of course we do, Lexie. It’s been eight years since we saw these people and I’m dying to know what happened to them.”

I laugh. “You just want to know if Keith is still single, but I really doubt he is.”

“He could be divorced.”

“Maybe. But I’m not going to this event just to drool over some guy’s ass. I have better things to do than that.”

Notes: There’s no information about who these characters are or why I should care about their conversation. The character names feel awkwardly inserted into the dialogue. Starting with dialogue only works if the conversation is inherently interesting or intriguing, but this isn’t hinting towards a conflict I find compelling.

Verdict: Not Hooked

2. Fantasy

‘You’ve got it?’

Of course he had. A letter wasn’t a person: he didn’t need help to manage *things*. But Marcus’ scent was warm with protective concern, so Quintus only said, ‘In my belt pouch.’

Notes: What’s occurring would probably make sense to me if I already knew these characters, but the wording is unclear and I’m not sure what you’re trying to convey. I suppose Quintus has some difficulty managing people for some reason, but I don’t find the vagueness intriguing.

Verdict: Not Hooked

3. YA Thriller

Monday 27th July, 2016; the day my life changed forever.

My parents are away this week. They’re on holiday and I have the house to myself. They left yesterday morning and were very excited to go on their first holiday together, and truthfully, I was excited for them. Usually they’d take me, but I’m eighteen now and I guess they thought I was too old for ‘family holidays.’ I’m ok with that though, because it gives me the chance to catch up on Gotham without being interrupted every two seconds. It will be good for them to get away. They’ve both done so much for me over the past ten years, they deserve a break.

Notes: The first sentence is a cliché. The next paragraph feels a bit rambling and tells me more about the parents than the protagonist. I’d like to know something about the protagonist that’s more compelling than his/her interest in Gotham. I suggest pulling the reader into a scene rather than telling the reader details about the protagonist’s life and parents.

Verdict: Not Hooked

4. Fantasy

Humans constantly surprised me with their ability to survive.

Despite the magical shit storm that was about to happen, the humans remained oblivious. The paranormal world had come out of the closet years ago and humans thought they knew everything there was to know. They were wrong. Even with this intense magical pressure they couldn’t sense a thing.

Notes: You’re starting with information rather than a compelling or emotional scene. The details are too vague to hook the reader.

Verdict: Not Hooked

5. Mystery

When Mickey Sanders strolled onto the veranda at Jimmy’s Bistro and Bar, the place was already humming with a festive vibe just a few minutes past eight. She glanced at the thin silver-and-gold TAG Heuer on her wrist and tried to figure the odds on whether she’d be out of there by 8:30.

It was a Tuesday night in late May, temperature in the low 70s, the sun settling on the horizon over the Gulf of Mexico and a gentle ocean breeze blowing in across the Porter Island marina just a 5-iron due south of here. Definitely a similar feel, Mickey thought, to all those sponsors’ cocktail parties she’d attended while playing the LPGA tour, but the people mix was all wrong. There simply weren’t enough men, she thought, searching for a familiar face and not immediately finding one.

Notes: There are too many uninteresting details: the exact time, the exact temperature, the type and brand of her watch. Most readers want to get to the point a lot faster than this. A couple of details to set the scene is all you need.

Verdict: Not Hooked

6. Mainstream

This is what I get for trusting someone else’s judgment.

I never wanted to do this, never thought I’d be back in this position, but after the news I got yesterday, I had to give it a try. So, I tried. I can hardly breathe, but I managed to tug on the little black dress I wore at prom. I nearly broke my ankle walking into the restaurant in these peep-toe pumps I haven’t worn since my 21st birthday. I rake my nails across the back of my neck and regret using that Victoria’s Secret body spray. I’m pretty sure I’m allergic to it.

Notes: The main problem is the vagueness of the first two sentences. They tell the reader almost nothing except that you’re withholding information. The trouble is that the reader isn’t given a strong enough reason to be intrigued by why she’s dressing this way. I think you’re close to an opening with a hook, but you’re not quite there.

Verdict: Not Hooked

7. Fantasy

Timothy, Earl of Clavia, last and only living son of the Duke of Vindemia, youngest councillor to his Majesty King Thomas of Mendacia, and third in line for the throne, poured himself another cup of tea. ‘My dear,’ he said, ‘you’re keeping too much to yourself.’

‘Whatever you like,’ his wife murmured. She set down her cup and walked to the open windows. Beyond the fountain and the rose-garden, the lawns of their summer-house stretched between two lines of birches. She twisted a handkerchief through her fingers.

‘Narcissa, please. Why don’t we invite some friends up from the city? Peter and Agatha, now; their estate isn’t far from here. Yes, Agatha can be a bit stuffy, but Peter’s a capital fellow, and both know how to return a favour. And we’d have — ’

‘Oh, stop. Please stop!’ Narcissa fanned herself, then shivered. ‘I don’t want to see anyone. I can’t bear to be away from home.’

Notes: The first sentence is so long that it almost seems as if it’s meant to be comedic, but I don’t think that’s your intention. The dialogue feels stilted, which probably has to do with this being fantasy, but prevents me from connecting to the characters.

Verdict: Not Hooked

8. Fantasy

Last night and six lifetimes ago, I picked what I thought would be a nice, quiet spot to bed down for a bit of beauty rest. It was by a dumpster in an alleyway, and none too shabby as alleys go; relatively rat-free and with just a soupçon of urine, enough to know the cops don’t come around often but not so much as to put me off my breakfast. And did I mention the dumpster? It belongs to a Michelin-rated restaurant with a signature saffron marsala sauce, so that plate of pasta no one ever seems to finish, I was going to finish a few of those when I woke up.

But then I woke up craving a muffin. Which might be because I can no longer tell the difference between today, yesterday and late afternoon last Tuesday, or maybe it’s just because dumpster pasta isn’t exactly breakfast cuisine. Whatever the case may be, the craving was real. I swear I wasn’t just using that as an excuse to get a glimpse of her.

BAM! The dumpster lid goes down like a gunshot and my eyes slam open. I look up to see the old familiar face of another loser like me. I’ve been waking up to his ugly mug for almost a week now, but he doesn’t know that.

“Sorry man,” he says. “Just grabbing a bite to eat. You want something?” he asks as he lifts the lid again.

“I told you, I don’t have time to

Notes: The opening isn’t quite perfect yet, but the voice is consistent and it made me smile. The transition between past and present tense is confusing. He says he “woke up craving a muffin” and then he seems to wake up again in the next paragraph. Is this a different day? It needs to be clearer. You have a strong sense of your character and a fun voice and that’s how you’re going to win people over.

Verdict: Hooked

9. YA Fantasy

Rowena slept fitfully most of the night but managed to fall into a coma just before dawn. And to her great fear, the nightmare came: worms crawling up and down her arms, their slimy bodies undulating as their small, tacky feet gripped her skin, wending their way slowly to her face and up her nose, in her ears, into and down her throat.

Notes: Opening with a dream is a trope, especially in YA fantasy. I’d estimate at least 30% of unpublished YA fantasy and middle grade have a prophetic/warning dream within the first three scenes. I wouldn’t use “fall into a coma” when you really just mean she’s sleeping.

Verdict: Not Hooked

10. Literary

Carol tightened her grip on the steering wheel, trying to control the trembling of her hands. This couldn’t be happening. Good God, what was she going to do? And the kids—what would happen to them if…

Stop it, she told herself. You’re getting way ahead of yourself. Chances are, it’s nothing.

She had thought the lingering of the doctor’s hand on her breast was an inappropriate response to her well-endowed figure. Men had always enjoyed touching her. But it was worse than that.

It was a lump. In her breast. Her breasts were one of the only things she could rely on to get by. Not that she needed to use them for that anymore. She had a good job, and a good man. Chuck was the first man to appreciate more than just her body. They were talking about moving in together, but if she only had one boob, would he stick around? And if he didn’t…

Notes: Standing out with a cancer story is pretty challenging because they are very common in both fiction and nonfiction. Carol comes across as a bit too conceited to me because she thinks the doctor is interested in her for touching her breasts during a breast exam. This wouldn’t necessarily bother me if I knew more about Carol and cared about her already, but it’s a bit off putting in an opening scene.

Verdict: Not Hooked

11. YA Mainstream

Alora Prescain balanced barefoot on the stump of a recently felled oak tree secretly wondering if the tree had a soul. Animals have souls, of this she was certain.

How often did she hear an animal soul cry out?

The Prescain family made a business of taking an animal cry and reassigning it to the strings of a musical instrument, turning a cry into a song. Indeed, Prescain Strings were the finest traditional gut strings—the only gut strings—made in the foothills of sunny, Las Pumas Hills, California.

Notes: The subject matter is interesting and unique, but the first few sentences aren’t working for me. Specifically, the transition/connection between the first and second sentence feels a bit forced. I also think mentioning souls is going to give the impression that this is a fantasy.

Verdict: Not Hooked

12. Literary

James entered the house, catching the door behind him and closing it softly. Beth’s car was in the garage, so he knew she was there, but the lights in the house were off and all was quiet. She must be resting.

He found her on the sofa, curled under her favorite afghan. He didn’t make a sound, but she awoke with a start when he entered. She quickly raised the cover, looking for blood.

“Beth, sweetheart, it’s going to be all right.” He kissed the top of her head, then went around to sit beside her.

“I know.” She dropped the afghan. “I just always have this moment of panic when I wake up. What if…”

She didn’t complete the thought. After two miscarriages and a 29-week stillbirth, the thought of losing this baby was a fear they both lived with daily.

Notes: I’m not connecting to either character. The focus on James in the beginning is awkward because he isn’t doing anything to move towards a goal or to demonstrate a problem. He has no purpose prior to seeing his wife. I think you’re probably starting the story at the wrong point.

Verdict: Not Hooked

13. YA Mainstream

I had not long turned 18 and was being chased down the street by a man with an axe. It had been a calm, quiet evening before I ran screaming out of a rambling old terrace house and into the night. From the street you could see into a large sunroom at the front of the house where a woman with wild hair, wrapped in a bathrobe was shouting at me. I wore ponytails and a short school uniform. Her yelling broke the stillness of the evening. “You get back here Sunita Cameron you little bitch!” the woman roared, “Don’t think you can get away from us! We’re your parents and no one else is gonna put up with you.”

Notes: The wording of “not long turned 18” is awkward. The flow in this paragraph is off. Try to avoid separating sentences about the same topic. For example, suddenly bringing up her ponytails and uniform breaks up the description of the woman.

Verdict: Not Hooked

14. YA Mainstream

It was the third fire this week! A pilfer, the way it stole the lives and homes of so many, incrementally destroying my whole neighborhood. Piteous as it may be, I cannot persist with such self-pity. Not when every other person in the world as-we know it-goes through exactly the same thing every day.

During childhood, all of the neighborhood’s youth fretted needlessly over the fires that occurred. We slept unsettled, sweaty, and heat sick. We learned, as we got older, that it did nothing to worry. Our bodies adjusted to the climate. If there was a fire; you get up, grab your things, and walk out.

Notes: The use of “piteous” and “pity” in the same sentence is awkward. I can’t tell if you’re referring to literal fire or just general heat or both. The narration seems to switch between heat and literal fire at almost every sentence. I’m having to work harder than I would like to understand this. I would be clearer about the source of the fire to eliminate confusion.

Verdict: Not Hooked

15. MG Science Fiction

The mega delicious smells of pepperoni and cheese hit Josh’s nose as soon as he entered Pizza Mannya. But he wasn’t there to eat pizza, at least not yet. He was there to shoot down some aliens. The pizza would have to wait.

“So, you still think you can beat my score?” Josh asked Rory as they made their way to the arcade room.

“Dude, your days of topping me at Space Invaders are over. Today, I’m gonna kick your loser butt and beat Manny’s all-time record to claim the prize.”

Josh scoffed. “You’d have to grow an extra pair of arms and hands, not to mention a brain to beat my score, never mind Manny’s. He’s like the world champion or something.”

“We’ll see about that,” said Rory,  putting on a sudden burst of speed.

Notes: Even for middle grade, the stakes feel pretty low. I’d need a lot more characterization to be sold on this opening. I spent way too long trying to understand how to pronounce Pizza Mannya before realizing it wasn’t “man-ya” but “mania.” The kids’ conversation feels like unnecessary chatter that leaves the reader itching to get to the point.

Verdict: Not Hooked

16. Fantasy

The evening sun brushed the tops of the trees as Carrick tethered the last of the pit ponies to the line. He led them back into the prison mines, and the animals trotted obediently towards their stables. Neither the ponies nor Carrick paid attention to the guards on the door, until the butt-end of a crossbow was pushed against the large Earther’s shoulder.

“Get inside, prisoner,” barked its owner. “No dawdling.”

Carrick looked the guard over, and turned away without a word. The youngsters always tried to throw their weight around a bit at first. Twenty years ago he might have responded to it. Thirty years ago he would have made the cocky stripling eat dirt. Now he was old enough to let it go. He was more interested in settling the animals, and keeping his work privileges, than in playing games with Avlem whelps.

The rocks under the guards’ feet shivered as Carrick walked past, and the young guard stumbled, dropping her crossbow. The old Earther hid a small smile behind his beard. Almost old enough, anyway, he thought.

* * *

Carrick took his time over feeding and grooming the pit ponies. Once the doors were re-locked, the guards largely ignored him, and Carrick was in no hurry to return to his sector. When it was just him and the animals, Carrick could forget about the Outsiders and go back to when this was an Earther stronghold. He told the ponies the old legends as he brushed them down, and for an hour or so, the past fifty years melted away like a bad dream.

Notes: The primary reason I would keep reading this is because of the voice: it’s smooth, it has character, and it’s clear. I do think the last line of the first section “Almost old enough, anyway, he thought.” is a tad confusing if you don’t read the passage quickly. This is a good example of how a non-flashy opening can hook the reader with competent writing and by showing characterization.

Verdict: Hooked

17. YA Fantasy

Mr Malcolm was running late so he picked up the pace. It was early morning, and like every day he dreaded the ominous repetition, the monotonous small talk, and the empty smiles geared solely to appease the hungry appetites of those exact same people his way through his office. He must be depressed he thought to himself.

He had to run, they were waiting for him and he was late, and deep down he felt that the day wasn’t going to be a good day. Some call it bad luck, he called it routine. He always had this feeling that warned him beforehand of his bad fate, and so he was always around when something bad happened.

Notes: I’m assuming you’re opening with an adult character which probably isn’t a good choice for YA. There’s a missing word in the second sentence: “same people his way through his office.” The second paragraph is confusing. What is the connection between “bad luck” and “routine”? Do you mean he has bad luck so often it’s his routine? If he has a feeling that something bad is going to happen, why would he always be around when it happened? Wouldn’t he avoid the bad luck? I’m too confused to be hooked.

Verdict: Not Hooked

18. Science Fiction

Life is warm. Life is heat. First was the darkness, then came Life. Heat brought the Light. The darkness ran from the light on silent swift limbs. After a time, the heat and light brought the signs of Life. First were the plants and water who would use the light and heat to grow. Then Life brought the animals who would feed on the plants and water. When it was ready, Life brought the Sel who would feed on the plants and the water and the animals. The Sel were Life made manifest.

– first quotation from The Way of Life.

Liuani knew that the Ostogot…note to self, they are the only pre-light avians yet discovered, had only developed the industrialized presses 100 cycles ago, but occasionally she wished they used a better medium to write on originally than pressed plant skin. Some of the documents that had been brought back from their planet were almost impossible to read, even with the level of computer enhancement that she used. She was fairly sure that she was eventually going to find confirmation that this was proof of the third revision of the religious texts of the largest religion practiced by the Ostogot. This revision was responsible, she was sure, for the change in emphasis in their concepts of creation and evolution of their people.

Notes: The first paragraph is a bit strange. I kept wondering what I was reading because it seemed repetitive and clunky. The next paragraph doesn’t give me any characterization to latch onto and focuses only on world building.

Verdict: Not Hooked

19. YA Fantasy

At dusk, I often listened to the old dockworkers talking among themselves. They told tales of how the port of Tal’Sol was the busiest in all of kingdoms of Idradal, and had been a remarkable sight. A sea of masts and sails as far as the eyes could see. Ships came from every major city to sell or transport their goods. Those days had long since passed judging by the number of ships which now visited the port. I watched and it seemed rubbish and debris visited the port ad it drifted on the surface of the water. In the distant, waves continuously crashed against the harbor wall like a might hammer.

On the breeze, the pungent stench of seaweed and freshly caught fish tickled the back of my nose. Overhead, seabirds screeched, eager to steal a free lunch from a distracted merchant. I watched as greedy merchants inspected their goods unloaded from the tall ships. With a shrewd glances and a handshake, payments exchanged hands, and customs turned a blind eye to whatever might be inside the crates.

I closed my eyes and imagined being on the forward deck of one of those vessels. The roar of the wind and the creaking of the timbers as the bow ploughed through the water. The oceans spray cold against my face. Licking my lips, I could almost taste the sea salt.

Shaking the thoughts aside, this was not the time for silly romantic notions.

Notes: There are too many typos for an agent or editor to take this seriously. Overall, I like the imagery, but I’d prefer to be pulled in a little closer to the desires or emotions of the protagonist to create a better connection to what’s going on. The writing is very close to being strong enough, but the typos leave a bad taste in my mouth.

Verdict: Not Hooked

20. Fantasy

A procession of robed priests marched through the square. Their droned hymns echoed between the buildings of stone and moss surrounding the courtyard. They were joined by the voices of the men and women of Linnesse who crowded the square.

“Take heed!” The eldest cleric shouted. “Send your prayers to the Emperator who sits atop the Spire; the throne which pierces the heavens.”

The air would soon be thick with the aromatic smoke from swinging censers.

“Without the light of the Emperator,” He continued, “The era of peace will soon give way to shadow. Pray then to the Emperator who is God, so that he-” The elder was jostled by his clergymen who in turn were shoved by a red-vested member of the city watch.

Detective Constable Joseph Neumarque opted for duty over devotion as he shouldered his way through the religious cavalcade.

“Pickpocket!” He shouted, ignoring the calamity left in his wake.

Cast my bones. He thought, He’s heading for the Roughs.

Joseph couldn’t afford to lose the perpetrator in the slums if he was going to fulfill the month’s quota. The evening bells tolled as if on queue.

The constable darted after the little thief, unnoticed by others.

Notes: I would much prefer you open with Joseph. The first four paragraphs don’t hook the reader and feel as if they’re misdirecting the reader’s attention. I had to reorient to try to understand what Joseph is doing and what it has to do (nothing) with the priests. The writing is strong, I just think you’re starting by focusing the reader’s attention in the wrong direction.

 Verdict: Not Hooked

What Do You Think?

More submissions will be posted tomorrow and every day this week so make sure to check back.

If you did not submit already, you can still submit here.

Comment Question: Did you learn anything you can apply to your own manuscript from reading these opening pages?

Want to connect with other Novel Boot Camp Participants?

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Is your character goal oriented? A strong goal is vital in creating a compelling protagonist. In today’s video I offer tips and suggestions to strengthen your protagonist’s goal and to ensure it’s working effectively in the plot.

Video Highlights:

• A goal is a concrete, definable objective driven by the character’s motivation, which is a desired emotional state. I covered this concept in much more depth in my article: Creating Deep Realistic Characters.

• When the character is part of a group, he is more likely to suffer from a weak or absent goal. A character in a group must have a personal goal that exists outside or inside of the larger group goal. Just being a “good guy” or doing the right thing is not enough.

• If the character’s goal changes many times throughout the novel, it becomes problematic when there is not an underlying motivation that ties the goals together. Creating a motivational thread helps to keep the novel cohesive.

• If readers don’t care about your character or struggle to empathize, it’s usually because the goal is absent, isn’t personal, or has no underlying motivation.

Questions to Ask About Your Novel

The questions below will help you to apply the concepts in the video to your novel.

1. What is your character trying to achieve?

The answer needs to be concrete enough that the reader will know for certain whether the character achieves this goal. Vague objectives don’t make for effective goals. For example “A date with the hottest guy in school” is a nice concrete goal while “being popular” may be too vague for the reader to have a clear sense of when/if the character achieves it.

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2. Why does your character want to achieve this? What is his/her motivation?

 

The character’s motivation is the emotional drive that leads the character to the goal. The same goal can have a wide variety of underlying motivations. For example, a character could be motivated to become rich because she believes it will buy her love or because she wants the security money provides or because she wants to feel in control. Defining the motivation is just as important as defining the goal.

If you have any questions about writing a goal-oriented character, please post it in the comments below.

Comment Question: Did you know your character’s goal right away or did it take a while for you to discover it?

Workshop #1 critiques will be posted later today and every day this week. If you didn’t get a chance to submit last week, the submission form is still open!

Want to connect with other Novel Boot Camp Participants?

For more writing tips, follow or subscribe: