Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Speculative fiction/Horror
A cool clean mist came out of the trees from both sides and met in the middle of the walk in front of Ursa and Callum as they walked down a trail cut through the towering forest of Stanley Park. Ursa watched as a large truck rumble by them on its way to the North Shore.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Callum said. He could see her frown as she watched the tail of the truck disappear around a corner.
“They shouldn’t be expanding,” she said. “You’d think the Aquarium officials would have the best interest of the animals at heart but they don’t.”
“You can’t stop progress.” They had reached the main road that circled the park and Callum held a hand up to a driver who stopped to let them cross. The loud noise of a car occasionally drove behind them. She tried to ignore the emissions and revving of engines as she was drawn to the sound of seagulls hovering and dropping shells onto the rocks.
“It’s not progress. It’s exploitation. They’re using helpless animals to make money. It’s like the elephants at the circus. It’s cruel to make them jump for our amusement. They don’t belong here.”
“You could say that the expansion will help to rescue whales and dolphins to educate people to make better lifestyle choices thereby sustaining the ecosystem,” Callum said. He smiled knowing that his response would make her want to lunge at him.
I find myself suspecting (as I read) that this could be a preachy animal-rights type book. I’m not saying it IS, but I wonder whether an reader/agent would take a look and make that assumption, too. There’s nothing wrong with a (that) theme, imho, but I’m not sure you want to open with it. It kinda limits your potential audience to those who already agree. Plus, the conversation comes off a tad “as you know bob”ish–like your characters are talking in order to tell the reader something. (Maybe it’s not what you intend, but it sounds a little like that).
Also, WHAT’S expanding? The aquarium? Maybe say that. That could be your hook–it sounds ominous!
I also wonder whether you want to stick to one POV–if you are going to shift, wait for scene changes.
I love the description in the first paragraph. You’ve done an excellent job setting the scene. Personally, I think the passage might be a bit stronger if you took the 4th sentence and folded it into the first paragraph, with just a little rewording, it should work in the Ursa watched bit. Great interaction between the characters. Love your name choices.
The dialogue and the descriptions are great. I feel like I’m there! 🙂
Hiya Andrea!
I actually really enjoy stories that have values attached, but as I was informed by an editor- the writer has to be very careful it doesn’t come across as preaching. Initially, I found it difficult to do myself but on further evaluation I could see what the editor was saying. Still learning. Play with the way you can get the reader on Ursa’s side. Get them to connect with her emotion’s rather than using dialogue only. Maybe, use Ursa’s POV rather than Callum’s to portray this.
I altered bits a little to try and get a different feel. Just ignore anything you don’t like ;o) It’s only to show how I see the story through my eyes. I will want to know what Ursa feels the need to protect, why she feels so passionate about it. (I feel quite strongly about these areas too, I’m with yah! ) Trace.
Maybe, something like:
As Ursa and Callum took a short cut through the towering forest of Stanley Park. A cool, clean mist gently rolled from the trees, laying a soft carpet before them. Ursa’s head turned on hearing a large truck rumble past them on its way to the North Shore.
“I know what you’re thinking,” Callum said, noticing Ursa’s frown as she watched the tail of the truck disappear around a corner.
“They shouldn’t be expanding,” she said. “You’d think the Aquarium officials would have the best interest of the animals at heart, but they don’t.”
“You can’t stop progress,” he replied, solemn, at feeling her heartbreak.
They finally reached the main road that circled the park and Callum held his hand up in gratitude to a driver who stopped to let them cross.
As they continued to walk, Callum knew that Ursa was trying to ignore the emissions and the revving of engines behind them. He was thankful that she became drawn to the sound of seagulls, hovering and dropping shells onto the rocks. He watched in silence as his dearest friend became more angry at the injustice.
“It’s not progress, it’s greed. No living creature should endure such cruelty. I just don’t understand, Callum.”
Andrea, and Tracey.
Firstly, Andrea, I love the setting in Vancouver. We used to live there, and Stanley park might be the most beautiful place on earth. As such, you might want to ‘show’ the reader more of the natural beauty of Stanley Park, describe how green it is, the setting on the Strait, the Lion’s Gate Bridge, the insight of planners to reserve so many hectares of land with stunning views in an urban setting for all to enjoy. Perhaps just a little more than mist, and a path in a tall forest. I like the way Tracey has adjusted the first sentence. It is easier to follow. I love the cool, clean mist line, but I was uncertain what you meant by coming out of both sides. Both sides of the road, the path, the trees, (do they only have two sides?)
I love the characters names. Great choice, especially Callum. My oldest son is a Callum, but with one L:) Someone else noted a point of view issue. I had the same before I had a professional edit of my first three chapters. You are head hopping and I am not certain if we are in Callum’s pov – He could see her frown and he smiled knowing, or Ursa’s pov – she tried to ignore… As the narrator in third person, you are god, but telling us about both motives is confusing. I hired a pro-editor for my first 30 pages to send to an agent, (though today I have changed up the first three paragraphs since it’s cliche to start with a scene waking up in bed, so I have submitted new material.) My editor told me the sign of a good writer is only point of view, at a time. You can separate with *** to indicate a new scene and incorporate a different characters thoughts and feelings, or put that POV in a new chapter. I found that rather difficult when I had to move an entire section into a new chapter, but in the long run it worked so much better.
You might also want to info-dump without info-dumping some backstory on the park’s plans to expand before getting into the animal rights issues as others noted. I think a softer lead in to an issue is safer instead of jarring the reader right away that the novel might be preachy.
That said, I am intrigued to know more of the story. I don’t read horror, but I am definitely drawn in wanting to know what is going to happen at the Vancouver Aquarium! Keep up the good work, it sounds like you have an interesting setting brewing for your plot.
Kind regards. Rae
This is a really polished start to your story, and the dialogue and scene-setting is great. I’m not sure why I’m not connecting more with these characters! The only thing I can put my finger on is that I’m being told things that are already present in your dialogue/character’s actions, or that you repeat yourself a little — Ursa watched a large truck/He could see her frown as she watched the tail of the truck.
I agree that there could be an issue here with coming across as overly preachy.
Consider the reader that doesn’t agree with your characters or doesn’t care much either way. What will draw those readers into the story? There needs to be something here to suck people in no matter whether they agree or not.
When you put the animal rights theme first, you’re telling the reader to expect the novel to continue to be about that topic. So you may also struggle with hooking the right readers if this later becomes horror/speculative.
The writing itself is pretty smooth. So nice job.
I hope this helps!
I can feel how Ursa is feeling. She’s not happy about the expansion. I’m not sure what the expansion is, or have any sort of understanding of her feelings. Callum on the other hand, I can’t tell if he is for or against the expansion. Are they arguing or is he teasing? It’s hard to tell. Switching back and forth between perspectives if difficult to follow as well. Stick with one perspective until you changes scenes or chapters, it will help to read smoother. Do these two work together or are they friends? Starting with Ursa’s perspective may make it sound less “preachy” about animal rights and give the reader insight into why she feels that way. I like where it’s going, though, you do a good job of communicting the scnenary.
Andrea, you’ve done a good job drawing the reader into the story. The plight of the ecosystem and the pain Ursa feels thinking about its destruction.. Good job. : I think you can do a better job with the first sentence. walk and walked. Also, watched and watched in the next sentences. Instead of telling us he could see her frown, why not say she frowned as she watched the truck pass her…or something like that. I didn’t get…They’re using the helpless animals….. You might want to explain what reminded her of that. “You could say that the expansion will help to rescue whales and dolphins to educate people to make better lifestyle choices thereby sustaining the ecosystem,” This doesn’t sound natural. Try reading your story out loud. Amazing what you’ll catch. Good luck with your story.
Though I know it can take some time to build up to the horror, your first 250 words don’t strike me as being the start of a horror story. Also, the dialogue feels a bit preachy, like you have an agenda other than simply sharing a good story with the reader.
I like the characters. It really feels like they’ve known each other for a long time and that I would be willing to follow your main character because of how they interact with each other.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Paranormal YA
Ellie saw quick movement from across the street and recognized it as Simon’s red baseball cap. Furious, she ran in the same direction. Grateful for the hit of red she could see flitting between the parked cars, she followed her little brother from across the street. Intent on catching the object of her ire, she ran blindly down the sidewalk, only narrowly avoiding trampling a small dog. As she gained on him she saw an empty parking space between two parked cars. Plunging headlong into the space, she sped up as she crossed the street.
Within a few seconds, Ellie felt herself go from pure anger, to fear, to finally end up feeling nothing at all. Out of nowhere, a car had appeared. Her mind had registered the sound of tires screaming as the car tried to stop. Her head had jerked to the right and, in mid-stride, she had stopped running. Her right leg was hit. She was so surprised by what was happening that her mind did not have time to register any pain. Still frozen by surprise, Ellie never even cried out. Her body twisted, or maybe it was thrown, she could not tell, then landed on the pavement.
For a long time after that, everything was dark. She knew she was still running even though she could not see where she was going. Despite this, she could not stop running. She did not know where she was, or where she was going, all she knew was…
I like the action and movement in this opening. I would love to see a description of Ellie being furious and grateful shown in her actions The word plunging is good but I think “she sped up” should come before running into the empty parking space. I’m a little confused in the third paragraph to read that she is still running. I guess the reason is yet to be revealed. Is she unconscious and dreaming or has she entered another dimension? Good start 🙂
Yes, we follow Ellie into unconsciousness. Most of the plot happens while she is in a coma.
Also, I forgot to mention that I put a visual cue in my draft signaling a scene change which I did not add here to respect the 250 word limit. Like this:
(End of second paragraph)
* * * * * * * *
(Beginning of third paragraph)
I know the scene change symbols are not words, but I didn’t want to risk it.
hit or hint? I’m not sure if we’re allowed to point out misspellings >.< could not makes me halt. (couldn't?). Despite this she could not stop running. (we knew the line up that she was running, maybe removing the one of them would flow better. Great story though!
I don’t use contractions when narrating, only in dialogue. I may be wrong in doing so, but it’s something that is easily rectified later, if need be.
I remember this story from the guessing game – that’s good as it stayed with me :o)
Love this story :o) Hmm, obviously dead but where is she? Will she see the light? Is she lost and has to find her way back home again? Love the hook / suspense.
I played around a bit with some sentences. Nothing serious, and only because I thought it’d be nice to see from different eyes. Ignore anything that doesn’t resonate. Great story line :o)
Out of the corner of her eye, Elle recognized Simon’s red baseball cap bopping up and down across the street. Furious, she ran in the same direction. Grateful for the hint of red she could see flitting between the parked cars. She followed her little brother from across the street, intent on catching the object of her ire. Elle ran blindly down the sidewalk, only narrowly avoiding trampling a small dog. As she sped across the road, gaining up on him, she saw an empty parking space between two parked cars and plunged headlong into it.
Within a few seconds, Ellie felt herself go from pure anger, to fear, to feeling nothing at all. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a car appeared. Her mind quickly registered the sound of tires screaming as it desparately tried to stop. Her head jerked to the right, and in mid-stride, she’d stopped running. Her right leg had been hit. Elle, surprised by the impact, remained frozen. Not one cry was released from her gaping mouth. Her body twisted, as it was thrown, and the next thing she knew she was lying on the pavement.
For a long time after that, everything went dark. Elle was aware that she was still running, but wondered how? It seemed as if her legs were unable to stop. Everything around her had been engulfed by a black void. Where was she? Where was she running to? All she knew was…
Wow! That was awesome! Thanks for that! I love it! I won’t be copying your version of my first page into my draft, for obvious reasons, but I will draw inspiration from it when it comes time to edit my first draft! Your reinterpretation will be very helpful in keeping my eye on the prize, which in this instance would be clean and clear prose. It was fun to read a different, more polished version of the story I saw two years ago in my head as I tried to set it on paper. Great stuff! 😀
I got so excited my verb tenses got messed up at the end! >_<
I also remember this one from the genre-guessing game! It’s nice to see a bit more of it this time.
I really like this. It’s fast paced and moves us along as if we were inside Ellie’s head. There’s only a few places where I feel that the pace and immediacy is lost a little by the narration telling us things that could be expressed by Ellie’s actions, or by using formal phrasing/passive voice rather than direct, active prose — ‘had registered’ instead of ‘registered’ or ‘could not tell’ instead of ‘didn’t know’, for example.
Thanks for you comments!
To give the story a more immediate feeling, can you remove the hads from the second to last paragraph? If it’s in past tense, you shouldn’t need them. It’s when you’re going from present to past that you do. “Out of nowhere, a car appeared. Her mind registered the sound of tires…” Maybe delete one of the runnings from the last paragraph. Running is also mentioned in the paragraph before that. I don’t feel the surprise (mentioned twice) because the sentences aren’t short enough to move the pace quickly along. You go from “…she had stopped running” to “Her right leg was hit.” I want to know immediately that she was hit which caused the running to stop or her to fall. Using was in that sentence about her right leg (right’s said twice rather close together) also makes it less stunning for the reader. Can you use an action verb? She lands on the pavement but then she’s running again. When did she get up? I think if you put more details into that second to last paragraph, it will really help the flow and the overall tone of the scene.
I’m also not sure about the use of the word “ire” in par. 1. Would your audience be taken out of the story when they come across that word? Even though it’s in third person POV, would Ellie think that word?
Jenna, I see your point about the use of “had” in the second paragraph. English is one of two languages I use on a daily basis and so therefore I sometimes confuse its grammatical rules with those of French, and vice-versa. But I am well aware of this weakness and I thank you for pointing it out to me. I will add your comment to my line editing to-do list.
As for the third paragraph, I will copy/paste the answer I gave to Andrea:
“Also, I forgot to mention that I put a visual cue in my draft signaling a scene change which I did not add here to respect the 250 word limit. Like this:
(End of second paragraph)
* * * * * * * *
(Beginning of third paragraph)
I know the scene change symbols are not words, but I didn’t want to risk it.”
I love the action in this scene! There could be more description as she saw the car coming, what she feels, and what she hears. Why’s she upset at her brother? Some background to that may be helpful without giving away the story. I also wanna feel her fury, I know she is angry but why? Would she also yell at him to try to get him to stop? Or is she trying to sneak up on him?
I purposely omitted descriptions of the car because Ellie doesn’t notice it until the moment right before she hears the tires and turns her head to see herself getting hit. Before writing the scene, I tried to remember what it felt like when I had been frozen by surprise in several different situations and my memory of those events is always the same, a blurr and speed. The only thing you really have time to absorb when it comes to details are things like a car, a bus, the edge, a man. So I was trying to convey that gasping feeling of “oh no!” with as little words as possible. And I intend to explain her reasons for running after Simon at the end of the book. This might be a bad idea, I struggled with the debate on whether to put the info before the accident or at the end of the story. But since I have not written the last chapter yet, I won’t know until it is done and my beta readers tell me what they think.
Great job drawing the reader into the action. Suggestions for your consideration: the object of her ire. . This sounds odd to me. Why not just say…grabbing him or throttling him.
Within a few seconds, Ellie felt herself go from pure anger, to fear, to finally end up feeling nothing at all. This sentence is redundant if you’re going to explain the details. The next two paragraphs, full of action, are weakened with passive verbs. . Here’s an example of what I’m talking about. Her right leg was hit. She was so surprised by what was happening that her mind did not have time to register any pain. With action verbs the sentence might read: She felt cold metal hitting her right leg but her mind refused to register the pain…And lastly, how can she still be running if her leg is crushed? This needs to be explained.
Good luck with your story.
She is still running after she gets hit because we follow her journey into unconsciousness. This fact becomes clear not long after the first few sentences of the third paragraph. Most of the plot happens during Ellie’s coma, like a sort of prolonged dream. She’s in a place between life and death, on a spiritual plane of existence, if you will. And as for the word “ire” I was hesitant to use it and might in fact change it in the final draft.
And finally, about the use of passive verbs, I chose them specifically for the contrast they made with the previous action. I wanted the shock to show by stopping all action. To show a shift. But if you think that weakens the plot, I will make a note of it and see if my beta readers mention this as a problem for them too.
Thanks for your comments! 🙂
(((I think this is a good opening. You’ve definitely started in the right place. I have quite a few suggestions, though.
(((For such a dramatic scene I suggest your sentences are still too long. Your paragraphs too. This means editing yourself rigidly and making sure you get rid of every redundant word.
(((Also, I’ve noticed you have a habit of using stronger words the lower down you go. It should be the other way around. For example, you’ve got her running in line two, but in line four she’s running blindly, which is much stronger. Why not have her running blindly in line two? Another example: you’ve got “quick movement” in line one and “flitting” in line 3, which is much stronger. Why not reword it so that in line one she sees the red baseball cap flitting past the parked cars?
(((Here are some more specific comments:)))
Ellie saw quick movement from across the street and recognized it as (((little)))Simon’s red baseball cap. (((“little Simon” is very emotive and shows us he’s a toddler, not Ellie’s Yankees pitcher boyfriend who dodges cars daily in his cap. Later on, you’re going to have to explain how little Simon and Ellie ended up on opposite sides of the street.))) Furious, she ran in the same direction. (((Why furious? He’s a toddler. Way below the age of responsibility. She’d be horrified.)))Grateful for the hit (((hint? how about “red flash”)))of red she could see (((flitting…if you agree it should be in line one, you can cut it here))) between the parked cars, she followed her (((little…if you agree about promoting this to line one you can cut it here))) brother from across the street. (((Intent on catching the object of her ire,….no, she wants to stop him getting run over. That is far more urgent. So you can cut this too.))) she ran (((blindly…belongs in line one, I think, so you can cut it here))) down the sidewalk, (((only…redundant))) narrowly avoiding (((trampling…redundant. If she hits it, she’ll trample it))) a small dog. As she gained on him she saw an empty parking space between two parked cars. Plunging headlong into (((the space….you’ve mentioned the space in the last sentence. “it” works))), she sped up as she crossed the street. (((How does anyone speed up from plunging headlong? Plunging headlong is as fast as you can go.)))
Within a few seconds, Ellie felt herself go from pure anger, to fear, to finally end up feeling nothing at all. (((This sentence is weak and redundant. You could simply cut it out. Notice how dramatically everything improves.)))
Out of nowhere, a car had appeared. Her mind had registered the sound of tires screaming as the car tried to stop.
(((Ellen teaches us to drive everything forward, even within sentences. By suddenly introducing the word “had” (twice here, out of the blue) you’re suddenly sending your sentences into the past. And why waste time telling us her mind registered the sound. Of course it did. You say tires screamed as the car tried to stop. The driver was trying to stop, not the car. But on top of that, tires only ever scream when the driver tries to stop. So “the car tried to stop” is redundant too. Therefore:
(((“Out of nowhere, a car appeared. Tires screamed.”)))
(((We have just saved sixteen words from two sentences, included two “had”s. Sixteen words which would have slowed down the reader during the key car crash.)))
Her head had (((here’s another had, cut it))) jerked to the right and, in mid-stride, she had(((and another, make a note to stop using this word))) stopped running. Her right leg was hit. (((She was so surprised by what was happening that her mind did not have time to register any pain. Still frozen by surprise,….you can cut all this. What has happened to her is so horrific that ‘surprised’ and ‘register’ won’t describe it. You’re stronger without it.))) Ellie never even cried out. Her body twisted, or maybe it was thrown, (((she could not tell,….she is in no state to think about telling anything, so cut that too))) then landed on the pavement.
For a long time after that, everything was dark. (((This line is OK. Just move it up to the previous paragraph. The rest, below, I don’t know what is happening there. Presumably you go on to explain it.)))
She knew she was still running even though she could not see where she was going. Despite this, she could not stop running. She did not know where she was, or where she was going, all she knew was…
(((One last comment: Later on, remember to say what happened to little Simon.)))
Hope this is helpful. They’re just suggestions.
All the best,
Tim
“For such a dramatic scene I suggest your sentences are still too long. Your paragraphs too. This means editing yourself rigidly and making sure you get rid of every redundant word.”
Being a first time novelist, I do tend to want to cram in as much as I can into one sentence. I’m learning to watch out for that bad habit as I go along. It’s a work in progress.
“Also, I’ve noticed you have a habit of using stronger words the lower down you go.
Wow, thanks for this comment! I hadn’t noticed. I mean, I do tend to say/write things in the wrong order. It’s a quirk I’ll have to watch out for. But I think I’ll only be able to manage it effectively through beta readers and editors. *sigh* It’s just the way my brain works. I often don’t notice it until others point it out to me… Anyway, your suggestions about how to make the sentences shorter and about starting the scene with the stronger verbs is very good. They will be added to my editing to-do list.
“Ellie saw quick movement from across the street and recognized it as (((little)))Simon’s red baseball cap. (((“little Simon” is very emotive and shows us he’s a toddler, not Ellie’s Yankees pitcher boyfriend who dodges cars daily in his cap.”
The bit about Ellie’s Yankees pitcher boyfriend made me laugh out loud. You really have a colourful way of saying things. But the reason I’m pointing this part out is because you seem to think Ellie is an adult and Simon a toddler. Ellie is 13 and Simon is 9. I may have to find a way to convey this better in my first page when I rewrite it.
I also see what you mean when you say describing Ellie’s feelings going from rage to shock is weak and redundant in this context. I also love how you cut up the section right a the part when she actually gets hit! I will try to keep this mindset when it comes time for me to edit the rest of the text. And I will watch out for my excessive use of the verb had.
Thanks a bunch Tim! Loved the comments, they were great! 😀
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
I often wish I could forget my mother’s face. Not entirely—but rather, the way that she looked during a single hour of the last night that I saw her. It’s quite distant now, but I can still see it clearly: Me, a young boy, only eleven years old, lying motionless in bed as my mother cried beside me. My mother, made desperate by my deteriorating state, speaking gravely as she prayed to her god. “Lord if you can hear me” –I remember her pleading– “then let the boy live. Just one more month…a few more weeks…another day. Please, Father, I beg you…don’t take my child from me.”
Usually, my memory of that night visits me in waves, coming and going in irregular spates, which envelope me for a time, then recede. But then there are nights like this, where the memory of my death is repeated so often it keeps me from sleep. I think of that night, which is where it all started; then, I stare out at the darkness, waiting as each past mistake begins to accost me. Every decision I’ve made since arriving in this place, every twist, every turn, everything learned and forgotten, every place that I’ve visited, and person I’ve met or loved along the way—I suffer them all until the storm finally passes and the sky becomes gray with the sunrise. Just like it did on the night that I died…and so, the process repeats.
“You’re awake?” A voice calls from behind me. “I half expected to find you dead.”
Oh, sorry: YA/SCI FI
Not a genre I normally read, but it drew me in as it’s a good opening. I enjoyed it and would turn the page in the book to find out more.
If I have to pick one thing, it would be the length of your sentences. I think the second to last sentence of that second paragraph, is a little on the long side. I often write long sentences and read them out loud using one breath. If I need to take a deep breath before I get to the end of a sentence, it’s too long. I can see the mood you’re trying to set and I think you do it well, but maybe shorten the sentences here and there.
In that sentence I mentioned, you could lose a couple of the “every” twist/turn/thing/places/people without detracting from the story. At the moment, for me, it’s a list, but you could build it so he starts to sound strong and determined out of their despair (if that’s the way you wanted to go with it).
Something like: I shall/must endure/live with the decisions I’ve made since I arrived in this place. The knowledge I have learned and then forgotten; a face I may have loved and no longer know; these things and more, I will suffer them all until the storm finally passes…
Maybe I’ve just given you an equally long sentence instead! No matter, I enjoyed your opener – it’s interesting. Hope this helps!
Very interesting so far. Definitely has me wanting to learn more about the revolving hell he keeps reliving. Second sentence reads a little funny to me,”the way she looked during a single hour of the last night that I saw her.” Maybe use “final” instead of single?? Overall, really nice intro though.
Great suggestion. Thanks so much!
I like the tone of the opening. I wonder if changing the order of the paragraphs would work better. Change the 3rd para to 1st and 1st para to 3rd. I love the first line of the second paragraph. It might make a better first sentence to open with. You’ve repeated ‘that night’ twice in the second paragraph. It sounds a little repetitive. The opening’s great. I’d love to read more. 🙂
wow, I was sucked in! You write beautifully! It really flows. (please tell me when you publish it, I want it!)
Thanks Laura! I’m in need of a critique partner if you don’t want to wait. Ha!
Kelli
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. You absolutely sucked me in with two great opening lines. They leave an emotional impact. The reader is immediately drawn into the scene, a sense of regret, longing. I believe I saw comments about a long sentence, I am guilty of the same. Frankly, I did not find the Every decision sentence too long, I felt the pacing worked. You have a gift and I look forward to reading more of your work. Very good.
Thank you Rae! It’s tough because people tell me I’m YA, but the character is older and more experienced. I’m loosely modeling his voice from books I’ve read by theoretical physicists, and they use a lot of longer sentences, dashes, semi-colons, etc. I believe that’s how he would talk, so I’m trying to find the balance of what’s good for the reader, and what’s true to the character. Maybe I’m just labeling it in the wrong genre? …who knows.
I like this a lot! There’s so much we don’t know … You really capture our attention and pull us in.
My only quibble is that you have a lot of long sentences in the first paragraph and they slow things down. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I think you could improve the attention grabbing aspect of your opening by making it read quicker.
Thanks so much! I appreciate the feedback!
Great opening! Most of the advice I see says start with action, but I really like how you drew the reader in with description. The flow is great and I love your word choice. I also like that you use dashes. You have two thens: “…then recede. But then there…” in close proximity in the second to last paragraph. I would keep reading. I want to know how he died, and more importantly, where he is now. I wish I had more to critique!
I was really pulled into the story. A little lengthy on some of the sentences though.
Thanks to both of you. Your feedback is so helpful!
Okay, so I want more! What a solid first sentence. It really drew me in. I am curious how much time had passed and how old he is when he is in the second paragraph. I think the words you have chosen flow beautifully especially the first sentence of the second paragraph. Sorry I’m not much help because I loved it and if you’re in need of a CP…
Thanks CC! I am in need of a CP. If you’re interested let me know!
Oh wow! This is really great! I was drawn in from the beginning! Your imagery and description is great! With your sentence length, that could be shortened. I would like to know how long it’s been since he’s seen his mother and how old he is. How does he feel about her? Does he miss her? Other than that, I really enjoyed it!!!
You definitely hooked me into wanting to know more. I especially like the ending of the second paragraph. This intro is a reflection, not action, so the repetition and long sentence work, building a moment that feels like the storm you write about finally passing.
Though I wouldn’t expect it in the first 200 words, I do hope somewhere in your first chapter that you come back full circle to “my mother’s face”.
Kelli, the opening line drew me into your story. Good job. Suggestions for your consideration: during a single hour of the last night that I saw her. Either describe the single hour and why that is significant or leave it out. but I can still see it clearly:. If I read the first sentence correctly, the boy doesn’t see it clearly. Confusing. lying motionless in bed as my mother cried beside me. Consider: lying motionless in bed as my mother cries.Usually, my memory of that night visits me in waves, coming and going in irregular spates, which envelope me for a time, then recede. Unless you’re doing this for effect, it’s repetitive. which is where it all started; then, I….. It sounds like you are taking the reader back in time. Consider a new chapter as this seems a pivotal turn in the story. Just like it did on the night that I died…and so, the process repeats….or is this the pivotal turn to the story? You might want to consider joining these two statements. Good luck with your story.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: YA fantasyish adventure
Elise peeled off her dripping petticoats and wiped the pond-scum from her legs. Her mother rushed into her room with a bucket of water. ‘I’m sorrry it’s cold; I hadn’t time to heat it. Oh, darling! What have you done with yourself? Agnes, please take the dog outside.’
‘Who’s the visitor?’ asked Elise. She plunged her arms into the icy water, fresh from the well. While she scrubbed to her elbows, her mother jerked a comb through her hair. Straw drifted to the floor.
‘Thank heaven you washed your hair last night. This will have to do.’ She pulled Elise’s best dress over her head and sighed. ‘Oh, dear, you’ve grown again. Here, another petticoat.’
‘Mother, who is it?’ asked Elise.
Her mother mumbled around a mouthful of hairpins.
‘Lord Peter? Our Lord Peter, at the manor house?’
‘Where’s your sash, Elise?’
‘What do you expect he wants? He’s never come to our house before.’
‘Not as Lord Peter, no. He’s visited your father as an old friend every Eastertide since you were a baby. We weren’t allowed to tell you until now, you see.’
‘Lord Peter,’ Elise said in awe. ‘Why, he’s the king’s uncle!’
‘Yes, and don’t let’s keep him waiting. Your hat.’
Agnes trotted back in as Elise, clean and dressed, pinned on her little straw hat before the glass. ‘Mama, Jacksy is crying. Oh, ’Lise, you’re so pretty!’
Elise laughed. ‘I look like a scarecrow.’ Her wrists and ankles stuck out beneath ruffles of white lace.
You do a really good job SHOWING the era–which I assume is historical? Or pseudo-historical (like a fantasy)
I think I’d like a bit more interiority on the part of your protag. Maybe with her thoughts you could build up a slightly more tension filled beginning. Like if she’s worried: uh-oh…what does he REALLY want?
You could capitalize on the “We weren’t allowed to tell you…” WHY NOT? Doesn’t she wonder? Her wondering would make the reader wonder, too. Kind of an interesting story question IMHO.
It’s pseudo-historical (fake European country). I think you’re right about both the tension and the curiosity. Thanks!
I love the dialogue and conversation between the mother and daughter. Great imagery! Is the dog barking in the first paragraph or getting in the way? I like the mystery surrounding the visitor. I don’t know if I’d add “We weren’t allowed to tell you until now, you see” but maybe “We had to keep it from you, but he’s visited your father…”
Thanks for catching the slip about the dog — I’ll try to make it clearer that he’s in the room (and as pond-scum-covered as Elise is!).
I love the scene you’ve created. Although it’s a bit unclear at times. Maybe explaining a few things in between the dialogue?
LIke the mother yelling at Agnes to take the dog outside. Before that I didn’t know there was anyone else in the room. Actually I’m not completely sure where they are. I assume Elise’s room?
Also, I can’t really imagine Elise (or the mother or Agnes). Maybe a little more description?
Love this! My only quibbles are minor things that are very personal preference related. I’d like the mention of Agnes to be accompanied by some indication whether or not she is sister or servant to get me orientated to this family’s station faster — ruffles of white lace and sashes indicate wealth, but if the mother is pinning her hair and dressing her, maybe they can’t afford servants. Also, unless the meeting is taking place outside, the hat seems out of place.
I wondered whether the mention of Agnes would cause any confusion. I’ll have to change that (she’s the little sister). Thanks!
For your quotes, they should be ” not ‘. I would probably moved “I’m sorry” line to a seperate line to help with flow of the story. When she says “Lord Peter?” some emotions to go with that would be good. I love the dialogue! You’re doing a good job of showing what’s going on rather than telling! I think that more emotion to show us how Elise is feeling would be helpful.
I’ll contradict the others and say I liked the dog part, I like when there are random things going on instead of just direct dialogue, it adds depth.
I will say, if it’s going to follow Elise around, I’d like her to start out with more voice. She’s a little flat sounding.
And:
‘Yes, [and don’t let’s keep] him waiting. Your hat.’
Not sure if that was meant to be awkward, or if it was a typo.
Otherwise, I like it!
Ella, you’ve done a great job with dialogue and setting. A few suggestions for your consideration: Agnes, please take the dog outside.’ You have an opportunity to provide detail and description instead of using dialogue. Describe Agnes. Is she a maid. Does she waddle because she’s so fat or old? Describe the dog. What’s his name? Is he jumping in the water?…You see what I mean. Tell the reader how Else knows about the visitor. Did she spot him from the corner of her eye? So far I see Elsie as a young girl of about ten or twelve years old. A description would help. ‘Lord Peter? Our Lord Peter, at the manor house?’ I thought the mother said this. Perhaps you could have the mother mumble Lord Peter. Again, with very little detail I have to ask …Who is Lise. I assume this is a short form of Elsie. If she is better known as Lise, wouldn’t her mother call her that? Good luck with your story.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Mystery/Suspense
Toni should be here by now.
We agreed to meet for coffee at the local coffee shop. I don’t like the place, neither of us do, but it’s handy and serves reasonably decent coffee.
She is late, but then, with three kids and another on the way that’s hardly a surprise.
I people watch as I wait, which is ironic, since I want to see if I can pick out who has been watching me, assuming they are actually here watching me.
John, my husband, says I’m imagining it. ‘Who has the time, these days?’ he asked.
I told him that it could be someone who doesn’t have a job. A former student who didn’t achieve the grades they needed; anyone, really. I shrugged and left him standing there.
He’s not convinced and I have to prove it, but I can’t. Not yet.
It’s still just a feeling I have and, although I can’t say it out loud, it’s driving me mad.
I only feel safe at work in the University or at home. Anywhere else and I feel vulnerable somehow. Not knowing who is watching you is worse when there is an implied threat.
It could be anyone here, sitting drinking coffee, eating one of those chocolate twists. I don’t even know if it’s a man or a woman. The problem is that everyone looks at everyone else. We all do it and you can’t help it if you’re on your own. It’s the most natural thing to do.
I think you have a good start here. You’ve done an excellent job creating conflict. The one thing I would suggest is adding some type of physical movement into the first section, something that would help show her agitation, such as fiddling with her coffee mug handle or shredding her napkin,
Good luck!
Thanks, Jess. That’s a very good suggestion. I had a feeling that there is/was something missing and movement is definitely not there.
Sorry about uneven paragraphs/spacing, I thought I’d sorted it out, but obviously not!
Erica – I have chills, ‘not knowing who is watching you is worse when there is an implied threat.’
This might be a good place to have the coffee cup shake, or spill or do something that shows she is uneasy, before launching in to the next eery sentence, ‘it could be anyone here.’
You have piqued my interest. I like the way you use one short sentence at the beginning. Impactful, though presently I am imagining it said in a William Shatner, full stop after each word kind of way, teehee.
Excellent, look forward to reading more.
Kind regards. Rae
Thanks Rae
I agree that she needs to be doing something, I’m too much in her head.
I didn’t imagine that Captain Kirk would make an appearance, though!! Might night to change that a bit….
Thanks for your input.
Erica
I would recommend changing “She is late” to “She’s late” since the character uses the contraction don’t prior to that. “She’s late, but then, with three kids and another on the way (add comma), that’s hardly a surprise.” Also change the single quotes to regular quotation marks on “Who has the time, these days?” I’m confused on the part that says “I shrugged and left him standing there.” I wasn’t aware that they were standing and talking in the kitchen. Her flashback starts with her having a conversation with hubby but no location or setting is given, so “left him standing there” is unnecessary unless you set up the scene. You could also take out the shrugging part. You do a good job building up her worry at being watched, especially near the end.
Hi Jenna
I appreciate your comments.
I hadn’t noticed the contraction change and it’s a point well made.
The single/regular quotes is a UK/USA mis-match (I’m British). In the UK it’s okay to use single quotes. Does it make a huge difference when reading a book? I’d be interested to know whether it’s “wrong” as I’ve seen both in published books.
Funnily enough, the “I shrugged and left him…” bit, I added as I was posting it here. It hadn’t originally been there and shows that it doesn’t belong there either!
Thanks again.
Erica
Nice job creating conflict and a well-thought-out protagonist early on. You have the good bones of a story here, and there’s a lot of potential in terms of tension, suspense, and where the mystery could lead.
My biggest comment here, however, is that there’s a lot of telling in these opening paragraphs, and not much action. In fact, you’re starting the book out with the point that there IS nothing happening — these first paragraphs revolve around that fact. There’s no one there, nothing to report. Mystery/suspense by its very nature relies on dynamic scenes and the building of suspense to draw readers in. Rather than telling us that she’s people watching, perhaps you could actually write her doing the people watching as she searches for this one person who has been watching her? Maybe she sees someone who looks vaguely familiar — Is he the one? Are his eyes the ones she’s felt on her back for the past month? You have great language here and a smooth, clean style. If you can just make the scene a bit more active, less inside the protagonist’s head from the start, then I think that will really serve you well in engaging the reader that much more.
Strong opening that I would eagerly continue reading.
Hi Jen
Thank you for your input. I have moments of doubt about the showing/telling balance here. It does get going when Toni arrives. On the next page, she does start to consider who it might be, so I do get to it, but maybe the build up is too slow. I also think I’m not too sure of her as a character and this may be part of the problem.
Also, thank you for the kind comment about style – I worry that it’s a bit flat (well, it is, but with a bit of work…!)
Erica
It would be good to show some action here. It’s a big start with no dialogue/no action/nothing to pull the reader in. Although, it’s easy to read and I am enjoying where it is going. There needs to be more showing rather than telling what’s going on. In this sentence, you need commas: only feel safe at work ,in the University, or at home.
Hi Brooke
Thanks for your input. I think you have convinced me that I need some action to happen on page one, rather than page two/three! It seems to be the consensus with these comments.
Much appreciated.
Erica
Hi Erica. The story is full of suspense and well written. Good job. What is lacking is the background to the story. The first question I have to ask is “Who is Toni? And who asked the question? As a reader, I need to know your characters to be able to relate to them. Read this out loud. I think you will soon see what I mean. Tell the reader who is speaking and why she is so fearful of people watching her. In other words, fill in the blanks enough to allow the reader to relate to your MC and her plight. Good luck with your story
In my opinion you could turn this opening upside down. Your last paragraph could be your first, the second to last your second, the third to last your third and so on with just the tiniest tweak to make the words flow in that order. Pure paranoia, from the beginning. Or perhaps it isn’t. She’s baring her soul from word one and we’re right there with her, watching the chocolate twists (love that).
Just a few more observations:
2nd paragraph: coffee, coffee shop, coffee. One only. Most people meet for coffee at a coffee shop. So there’s one: we agreed to meet at the local coffee shop. Do you need to say it’s local? You go on to say it’s handy.
“I people watch…” I think this paragraph weakens you. If you want to find out who’s watching you, you won’t sit there idly people watching. Your eyes will be like a hawk.
“John, my husband…” You haven’t seen who you think is watching you? How do you know that they are? What has worried you in the first place? Did you mean to shrug after you finished speaking?
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Historical YA/romantic/thriller
October 18, 1941
His mother grabbed his David Fletcher smoothed Brylcream over his thick hair, flattening the ginger colored strands against his skull.
A small sound caught his attention and glanced sideways. A stout woman braced her shoulder against his bedroom door frame.
David washed the Brylcream from his hands.
She looks old, he thought. Every day, her hair grew grayer and the creases radiating from her eyes and mouth appeared deeper than they had earlier this morning. Dark shadows beneath her eyes made her face look gaunt.
Damn you Jimmy, he thought, cursing his older brother. If Jimmy had lived, their mother wouldn’t be suffering.
“I just saw a pretty girl walking past the corn field. She seems to be heading this way. Since I haven’t caught wind of any tales involving your father chasing younger women, I assume she’s here for you.”
David smiled. His parents often joked about trading one another in for a better model but it never amounted to anything. They’d experienced more than their share of trouble, but despite everything the world threw their way, they remained as in love today as they’d been the day they wed.
Someday, David hoped to find the same enduring love.
“You assume correctly. I’ve got to get going.” He kissed his mother’s cheek. “I love you.”
She grabbed his elbow. Years of milking cows had made her hands strong, her grip sure. David and met her serious hazel eyes. “I want you to be careful.”
Good opening 🙂 The first sentence should perhaps read “His mother grabbed him and smoothed Brylcream through his thick hair to flatten the ginger colored strands against his skull.”
Missing the word ‘he’ in the second sentence. David didn’t have Brylcream in his hands. I think his mother did. When you say ‘She looks old’ I assume you’re referring to his mother.
I like the conversation between the boys. If it’s a historical novel is it set in a time when cars were invented? The reference to the better model may not apply if that’s not the case.
It looks good. 🙂
Hi Jess – the date drew me in to start with. I found the first sentence confusing. What is David Fletcher Brylcream I asked myself, then realized David is the person. Perhaps drop the surname from this sentence. I believe Andrea made a good suggestion for that sentence so I will not add to that. I like the words ginger coloured strands against his skull.
Also, She looks old, is a great, short impactful sentence, but in the next sentence follow up with ‘every day his mother’s hair’, to avoid confusion which character you are speaking of. (Ignore that I just ended my sentence in a preposition too!) Is it his mother saying “I just saw a pretty girl walking past” you might want to say “I just saw a pretty girl walking past the corn field,” his mother said. “She seems to be heading….”
I did not find the ‘better model’ confusing or referring to cars as another critique pointed out. I took the model to mean the spouse not a car. You might also be able to use “Her serious hazel eye’s met David’s. “I want you to be careful.”
Kind Regards. Rae
The first sentence needs and “and” between Fletcher and smoothed. It does start confusing. It sounds like his mother is putting on a brand of cream called “David Fletcher” but then it says he washes the cream from his hands? Is he putting it on or her? If her, he shoudln’t have cream on his hands. Other than that I love it! It’s a great opening. I love the description of his parents.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Urban Fantasy (with Paranormal Romance Elements).
‘A Carpet of Purple Flowers’
Chapter 1
Leave the Past Where It Belongs
So far this morning, Bea had bashed her head on the corner of the bathroom cabinet, while duelling with the biggest wasp in world history – naked. Tripped over a book left on the floor by the bed, sending her flying, and to top it all, she was out of sugar. It was going to be an interesting day.
“God, what am I doing?” Bea groaned into her cup. Her normally alert, big, round, chestnut eyes had become aching, purple slits that refused to greet the morning. She desperately wanted to avoid today altogether, but knew that hiding away wasn’t an option this time. All night she tossed and turned wondering what the day might bring. Another argument? A night filled with false smiles, a pretentious façade hiding a disastrous past.
The day of Leanne’s twenty-first birthday had finally arrived. Leanne was the little sister of Brandon, Bea’s ex, and the avoidance of their old haunts over the last six months, may have been nothing, but a prolonged torture of the inevitable. Bea had become a semi-recluse. Not a condition that she actually minded, any escape from Brandon was heaven after the two years they spent together. Ever since he had become the new owner of the Castle pub, nearly a year ago, his behaviour started to spiral from being a loving, gentle giant, to a mean, drunken, drug-sniffing monster.
Bea looked up at the clock, sighed, and then gulped down the remaining tea.
Hi Ellen, may I re-submit please?
I love your imagery! It’s so much fun! I think if you find a way to restructure the first paragraph into different sentences, it would help with flow there. You have some incomplete sentences that seem to be made together. Where is she now? Why is she asking what she’s doing? Is she going to the birthday party? Are her and Leanne still friends? Why does she think the next day might bring arguments? It would be helpful to say what semi-recluse means.
Hi Brooke, thank you :o)
I agree, it was actually a recent change and I need to play around with it some more. Yes, the questions you asked are answered a few lines down, where she gets a call about the party and quizzes whether or not arguementative ex, Brandon will be there.
Is this better?
“God, what am I doing?” Bea groaned into her cup.
Her normally alert, big, round, chestnut eyes had become aching, purple slits that stared up at the dust motes, dancing in the pink light of the voiles hanging up at the kitchen window.
She casually swept a loose strand of her long, brown hair back into the scruffy pile sitting on top of her head, and felt a small bump from where she’d bashed it on the corner of the bathroom cabinet, while duelling with the biggest wasp in world history – naked. During the crazed escape from the winged terror, she’d tripped over a book left on the floor by the bed, which sent her flying, and then, to top it all, found out that she was out of sugar. Bea knew it was going to be one of those days.
**argumentative
The only thing I can see that stops the flow is there are too many adjectives/adverbs. This sentence especially is hard on the eyes and the mind “Her normally alert, big, round, chestnut eyes had become aching, purple slits that refused to greet the morning.” Her normally alert, chestnut eyes had become small purple slits that refused to greet the world. I don’t know if we need to know that her eyes are large and round. Purple tells me right away she’s either really tired or hung over, or…. that she got beat up 🙂
The part about who Leanne is seems like an info dump and then about the castle is info dumping as well. I’d like to know these things but worked into the story slowly 🙂
Great job so far !
Hi Laura, thank you :o)
I may revert back to my first draft and re-work, lol.
Gotta keep it simple.
I like the voice in this opening. I think it’s a good place to start the story, because you know something’s going to happen at the party. Her reunion with Brandon is probably not going to go well, and this gives us a chance to get to know her before the shitstorm hits. Makes me want to find out what happens next. Just curious: Will the paranormal/fantasy elements be introduced early on in the story?
I saw the changes you made to the opening lines in the comment below. Much better and clearer after the changes. I like the comical image of her naked battle with the wasp. I would simplify the description of how her eyes normally look for a better flow. I think “round” would be a good one to cut. Love “false smiles” and “pretentious facade”.
Suggestion for the last line,” “and then gulped down what remained of her bitter tea.” (since it has no sugar) Overall, good opening and introduction of character.
Hi Julie :o)
You hit the nail on the head, lol. Yes, I have a short time to build the info/theme prior to the party. Not too much info, but enough to get a general feel of past and the anxiousness that bumping into the ex will bring.
Yes, the paranormal elements are given within the first chapter with a bang, prior to the party. I play the story out with as much normality as I can in the first few pages to get a feel of life from Bea’s perspective before everything in her life changes.
I completely agree with your comments about the eyes etc and will cut back to a simple sentence.
Lol, well the last line doesn’t actually end there, but reached the word limit. I may play about with it some more.
It was good to hear that you liked “false smiles” and “pretentious facade”, I was wondering whether I should cut that sentence. It was also helpful that you mentioned the changes in other post, and that they read better – thank you.
Honestly, you have given very constructive feedback – thank you… really helped ;o)
The voice is good!
I feel like the sequence about her bad day wasn’t connecting. No sugar for what? Just having no sugar doesn’t seem dire enough to be in with the likes of bashing her head. Her eyes also have a lot of description that confuses me. How do her eyes go from chestnut to purple?
“Leanne was the little sister of Brandon, Bea’s ex, and the avoidance of their old haunts over the last six months, may have been nothing, but a prolonged torture of the inevitable.” this was a really long sentence that felt disjointed. It starts out with Leanna as the subject, but meanders into something different, and by the end I was really confused.
Hope this helps!
Hi Tracey.
I have a different take than the other critiques. Firstly, I loved it. I was going to say something about the awkward sentence starting with tripped, but then I see you changed it further down in the comments. The new beginning is better.
I disagree with the critique about info dumping. Presently I think that’s a buzz word in this group and everyone is ultra hung up on show don’t tell. Sometimes you have to narrate. I think about this in terms of British dramas vs American shows. British shows, imho, use more plot, and character development. American shows need to be dumbed down, and if there isn’t something blowing up every two minutes, audiences might leave the theatre. A simplistic explanation, but you get the point, I hope. Taking that theory to novels, I wonder if a UK editor would say the same about showing not telling as much? Showing takes up a lot of words, and you simply cannot show in every scene? Can you?
Your opening paragraph, especially the fixed version, was funny and interesting. Your last paragraph is setting the tone, I enjoyed your last paragraph where you set more of the scene. I would add a period after ‘Bea’s ex.’ Start a new sentence with “The avoidance of their old haunts over the last six months, may have been nothing…” Or, if this works, Bea had become a semi-recluse, avoiding their old haunts….’
Since there isn’t the ‘forum’ to show our fixed changes, you’re welcome to send me your reworked piece to raenforest22@gmail.com
Hi Rae :o)
Wow! Thank you, I was feeling a little deflated, lol.It is nice to know that you found the fixed version, funny and interesting.
Yes, I think it’s more difficult to critique with 250 words and get the overall feel- especially as the layered plot/sub-plots require a bit of building. I’m still learning, so all feedback is invaluable, whether or not I agree.
I’m in the UK, so maybe, that’s why sugar in that first cup of tea is as relevant to a bump on the head in Bea’s mind (mine too!) as a bad start to the day ;o)
I do show, but yes, in the beginning of the story I wanted to create a certain feel and thought that narrative was the best way to do it. It’s quite subjective isn’t it? I love a gentle winding read/even a film, that grows and deepens, I guess that’s how I must write too. In my blurb I explain that Bea goes on a journey, which opens up into quite a big world. I couldn’t start her journey off with a bang, the complete story wouldn’t work that way. I have thought about it, but the feeling of the whole book would change.
I’ve only sent my ms to one UK agent, she still has it. The other two are in the US. I will try more in the UK once I’ve heard back and if they’re the dreaded R. Most here are still postal submissions. It will be interesting to see the different opinions – I agree.
I’m already over the debut max by around 7k, so I have to cut down somewhere – more editing, it’s never-ending, lol.
I took your advice on adding a period after ‘Bea’s ex.’ Starting a new sentence with “The avoidance of their old haunts ….
I’m glad that you felt the tone prior to word count ending.Phew!
Thank you, that’s very kind to offer sending the edited version. I really appreciate it,
and for taking the time to give feedback – it was much needed, cheered me right up! ;o)
Trace
Poor Bea. And I hate wasps. To be honest, I can’t wait to find out what happens. I don’t even remotely feel I have the perspective to give a valuable critique, As I am a “baby” writer. ( a disclaimer I feel I will always be giving) As I read, I found myself wanting to find out what happens next, and to me, that says it all. The only thing I could see maybe is that you might be accused of the whole “Info Dumping” thing, but as Rae pointed out, you have to do a little telling, I think providing some exposition is good, especially when you do it quickly, I mean you aren’t droning on and on. I honestly can’t see anything that needs corrected. Lastly. I was going to ask this in the group, but I’ll do it here. If a character is alone, or having an internal monologue, then anything you put could be construed as an info dump. since you (I hope I have this right and I don’t just sound like an idiot :P) have to rely on character interaction to avoid dumping, and you can’t have that if you’re character is alone and or having an internal dialogue. Great so far, I look forward to more.
Lol, hi Scott :o)
That’s a good idea – a disclaimer (love it!).
Lol, no droning, or yawning (I hope), only what the reader needs to know and then move on. Seriously, some readers have asked for more info! My head spins…I explained that I can’t add anymore, but there will be a second book. I’ve been asked for a glossary and a prologue too.
I know, it is difficult without the interaction of another character. I could have broken into the showing – Bea running around like a mad woman (action), then maybe, gone into exposition, but again it would’ve changed the feel/tone. Would’ve extended word count too, and I had so much ground to cover.
I really wanted to create humdrum, but totally understand why it wouldn’t grab attention, hence adding a little humour. Poor Bea has had a rough time of it, she’s pretty quiet and keeps herself to herself, but not in a depressing way. Her journey incorporates growth, understanding of the self, and the building of inner strength.
As one beta reader put it – the story is about so much more than Bea – it’s about Vororbla, (karma) and how it affects all the characters within that cycle/sphere.
Marmite (love it or hate it), lol.
Thanks Scott. ;o)
Nice intro. I laughed at the naked duel with a wasp. You really made her start to that day feel ominous for the remainder of it. You can feel it’s going to be a bad day. Good start! 🙂
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Middle Grade Fantasy
Bang!
The best sound Jenice had ever heard cracked through her bedroom…and it was the last time she would ever hear it. She had been awake for hours, but she had not moved because that would have been unusual and today must be normal.
Her fingers fumbled with the lacing of her tunic and leggings as she dressed. She ruffled through her tool bag, making sure it was set. She had made a separate bag to hold the few items possessed, and stashed it behind the brooms leaning in the corner. Satisfied she was ready for the day, she wrapped a scarf around her bushy red hair and headed out the door.
Downstairs the day pounced on her as soon as she entered the kitchen. She sighed, seeing the work that awaited her. Dishes overflowed from the sink. Bits of thread, leather and grime littered the floors. The empty wood box called out to be filled almost as loud as the animals called out to be fed. If she had possessed the special powers people always accused her of, these tasks would be done in the blink of an eye instead of the hours it would take. Still, this was the only peaceful time of her day. Soon enough Matta would rise.
Entering the shop she noticed the decorations Matta had put up the night before to commemorate Choosing Day. The kingdom of Tiran was choosing a new queen. Jenice knew she should wish them well, but she could not care less.
Hi! I love your opening. There’s a lot of action and a hint at mystery. I’m wondering why she’s not going to hear the bang again. I’m a little confused about what the bang actually is. I’m assuming it’s an alarm of some kind or someone outside waking everyone up?
You use ‘had not’ and ‘could not’. It sounds a little stiff. Awesome start!
I wonder if you may be better reversing the order of your first paragraph to something like
“Jenice had been awake for hours, but she had not moved because that would have been unusual and today must be normal.
Bang!”
as the sentence that starts with ” the best sound Jenice had ever heard …” seems a little clunky to me. Everything else flows every smoothly and hooked me in.
What is the sound of the bang? Should we know that now or later? What did she do when she went downstairs? Did she clean or leave it? Then all of a sudden she’s at the shop and I’m confused. Seems like it’s rushing through the scene, may be helpful to split it up. Your writing flows nicely adn you have some fun sentences!
The opening is great, I like wondering what it all means. A suggestion on this part “She had been awake for hours, but she had not moved because that would” you could use didn’t here and it may flow better. “She had been awake for hours, but didn’t want to move because…”
The story is captivating though and I really like how you started it 🙂
Hiya!
I like the MC. She obviously wants to escape, and I look forward to her adventure.
Had me intrigued, especially of people accusing her of having specials powers. Maybe, she has but isn’t aware…something to do with the red hair?
I wondered about the bang. Was it a type of canon? Would be nice to explain further.
The sudden transition from needing to do tasks to shop could perhap’s be worked more.
I’m not sure about – the day ‘pounced’ on her.
Great start ;o)
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Lower YA urban/high fantasy
Crystal uncurled the slip of paper, comparing the number on it with the number above the door in front of her. She looked from the paper to the door and back again, until she was sure that they matched. Her mind felt blurred after a night of poor sleep, and it was hard to focus. She’d already made one silly mistake that day.
”Um . . . can I help you?”
Crystal’s attention jerked to the teenager now standing in the doorway. The movement jarred a headache that was starting, and Crystal flinched before she managed to compose herself. ”I’m looking for the the textiles workshop.” She crumpled the paper in one hand, nervously adjusting the strap of her bag with the other.
”That is this room.” The boy who’d asked if she needed help nodded at the space behind him. ”You’re kind of early, but you can come in.”
Crystal followed him inside, studying the room. It was like her sewing room at home, all second-hand furniture and masses of fabric and thread. Crystal hadn’t been sure about attending a workshop – despite her mom’s assurance that it would a good experience – and the familiar setting took the edge off her nerves.
”What’s your name?”
”Sorry?” She blinked at him, having missed the question.
The boy held up a clipboard. ”Your name? I have to make sure you’re signed up.”
”Oh.” Crystal tried shaking her head to clear it, but only aggravated her headache. ”It’s Crystal. Duran,” . . .
I wonder–since this is a fantasy–whether you might want to hint at the fantasy elements. I like the dialogue, and it sounds faintly ominous with the nervousness and headache and “silly mistake” (Good, imho) but then it SEEMS kind of a let down when she only seems to be attending a sewing class. So, could you add something that keeps the tension high? Something that shows her this is NOT your regular class. Because, especially when you tell me she’s comforted by the familiarity, you kind of burst the high tension bubble I had going
BTW (minor nit): I don’t think you need to identify the boy speaker as “the boy who asked if she needed help” For now, they are the only two folks in the scene. I think you can just say “boy”.
Just thought of something: to add to the ominousness can you maybe describe the door? Is there something strange about it, perhaps? Or an eerie sense she has “despite the familiar setting”?
I could take out the bit about the familiarity, and put in a reference to the fact that Crystal can see Kai’s (the boy’s) magical aura, and the fact that most people don’t have auras.
It won’t seem to let me reply to your reply, so I have to repost to the story….but YES. I think changing the familiarity to something she sees that is out of the ordinary (his aura) would be more compelling. And make her taken aback. Or disbelieving. What if she doesn’t understand, like: “No way. Only such and such have magical auras”? That would imply that such things are rare.
So instead of taking Crystal’s nervousness down, I’ll be knocking it up a little more. That works.
Thanks!
“The boy who’d asked if she needed help nodded at the space behind him.” could be condensed into “the boy nodded at the space behind him” since there’s only one boy. What silly mistake did she make earlier? Are we going to find out or is it imperative to this scnene? The part about the headache is kind of random? Make it seem pertinant. Other than that it flows wonderfully and your imagery is great!
Thank you for the critique. I’ll fix that sentence. The mistake isn’t a major part of the scene, but I can change it so you know what she did. (maybe break a teacup, walk into a door-frame . . .) The random headache, maybe mention it in the first paragraph? It ties in better farther along. The idea is that Crystal isn’t functioning as well as she should be.
I enjoyed this scene!
“She’s already made one silly mistake that day.” intruiged me, so I think it would be good to find out soon what that mistake was. (I don’t think it needs to be immediately, but soon.)
I actually like that she finds the room familiar, because it makes me feel like I know a little bit about her.
Perhaps it could be left in and the tension could be raised by adding something else (like the aura thing). I’m not sure, maybe it’s just me, but I like having a little information about a character early on and I actually liked knowing that she had a sewing room like that at home. I like the idea of having an eerie sense “despite the familiar setting”, which amy suggested, a lot!
Finally, I might be completely off here, but these lines felt a bit weird to me:
‘”What’s your name?”
“Sorry?” She blinked at him, having missed the question.’
I think it might be because up to that point we were told everything through her point of view and when he said “What’s your name?” I automatically assumed that she heard it (because we’re reading from her pov). I’m not sure if that makes any sense… I’m really not an expert on POV. It just felt strange to me, so I thought I’d let you know 😉
Hope this helps!
It does help, thanks. I’m pretty sure the POV is Crystal’s, but I can clear that sentence up just in case.
I like the first paragraph – and I find myself excited to see what’s behind the door. I wonder what her one silly mistake was?
Did the person know she was behind the door without knocking?
Or maybe, have the door creaking open before he speaks.
”That is this room.” The boy tilted his head to the space behind him. ”You’re kind of early, but you can come in.”
I like what Amy said about the door – adding description. There might be something about the boy that your MC observed too.
Enjoyed :O)
No offense meant, but I think people can stop pointing out that overly descriptive sentence of the boy. I’ll fix it! 🙂
I assumed that the door was already open, and there’s nothing odd about it, but I guess that’s not clear. And yes, the boy has an aura that Crystal can see, so I’m going to put that in.
Thank you!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Romantic Fantasy/NA
I’d had enough.
I could hear my sister swimming quickly behind me as I raced through the hallway to our bedroom. If I could just reach it and get out of here, maybe I would be able to breathe again. I pushed through the water, slashing my fin back and forth to get myself there faster.
Nothing was like it should be. My whole life had been turned around into something that I didn’t recognize, something I couldn’t become comfortable with. Turmoil filled the underwater kingdom after years of changes and uncertainty. Those of us that remembered the old ways feared extinction. Just the thought was enough to make my blood run cold. It was a real possibility.
“Raewyn! Please stop!” Lucy cried out.
I really wished she’d stop screaming like that. She was going to give me away and I was so close to the freedom I yearned for.
When I reached my bedroom, I pulled off my tight fitted purple gown and tossed it aside. It was my favorite dress, the one that matched my violet eyes. I tried to hurry so that I could get away before someone caught me. The rush was invigorating. As I rushed to my closet, I undid my long hair from its braid. Lucy flew into the room, pulling the seaweed curtain aside for privacy as she did so, just as I was tying the back of my shimmering blue top.
“Raewyn! Will you stop and listen to me?”
I whirled around
I was lucky enough to critique this and the improvements you’ve made show! I love the Protag, she’s awesome!
Oh thanks!
I’m quite fond of her too ❤
super interesting premise–they live underwater? But I’d watch your verbs, in that case: words like “race” and “flew” imply to me that they are on ground. So do words like bedroom–it takes me out of your magical(?) world and sticks me back on 21st century land.
Im not sure I need the backstory yet, about the kingdom. It breaks the flow–she’s racing, so would she really be thinking history-of-turmoil? She’d just be thinking: “gotta get away”. Likewise, considering, she’s awfully descriptive about her OWN clothes and eyes. She’s trying to get away–wouldn’t she frantically rip off whatever gown made her recognizable and throw on something–anything–else?
Thanks fir the feedback! Any ideas on verbs to use other than “swam”? I’m struggling with that part.
*For
I agree that this is a really interesting premise!
As for words like “race” and “flew”, I actually think they could be used, if you first establish the underwater setting firmly in the reader’s mind. You said that her sister was swimming, which is good. Maybe you could first have her “push through the water” and use “race” later.
With the bedroom, I would similarly say that it’s okay to use it if you maybe described it in a way that we have a clear sense of the underwater setting.
Personally, I think that since this is such an interesting setting, you could get away with a little more description (of course not excessive) to really put us there, before going into the turmoil and all that.
Maybe the race could take a little longer and she could describe her path (though you’d have to be careful not to make it too descriptive).
I also agree that she’s a little too descriptive about herself. In this case I would prefer description of the place.
It certainly sounds like it could be a fascinating story and despite the little issues I would probably read on (I’m not usually a fan of fantasy, hence only probably ;))
Hope this helps and good luck with the book!
I loved it, very easy to read.
Looking forward to finding out why Raewyn needs to escape? Her worlds origins, etc.
I enjoyed a little backstory, made it easier to picture her world.
There was a double rush that caught my eye:
The rush was invigorating. As I (rushed) hurried to my closet, I undid my long hair from its braid.
*** Just playing around with ideas below. I’m not suggesting that you change anything ;o)
I’d had enough. Nothing was like it should be. My whole life had been turned around into something that I didn’t recognize, something I couldn’t become comfortable with. Turmoil filled the underwater kingdom after years of changes and uncertainty. Those of us that remembered the old ways feared extinction. Just the thought was enough to make my blood run cold. It was a real possibility.
I could hear my sister’s fin splashing quickly behind me as I raced through the coral hallway to our room. I had to change and get out, fast. I pushed through the water, slashing my fin back and forth with so much force I wondered if I ‘d have enough energy to reach the surface. I can’t think about that now, I must stay focused.
“Raewyn! Please stop!” Lucy cried out.
I really wished she’d stop screaming like that. She’ll give me away and I’m so close to the freedom I yearn for.
When I reached my room, I pulled off my tight, fitted, purple gown and tossed it aside. It was my favorite dress, the one that matched my violet eyes. I fumbled around trying to remove the plaited braid holding my long hair. Hurry, Hurry, I silently repeated over and over. I had to get away before anyone noticed me missing. At last I pulled it free. The rush was invigorating.
Lucy swam in, just as I was tying the back of my shimmering blue top.
“Raewyn! Will you stop and listen to me?”
I whirled around.
I agree with Ela about, “As for words like “race” and “flew”, I actually think they could be used, if you first establish the underwater setting firmly in the reader’s mind. You said that her sister was swimming, which is good. Maybe you could first have her “push through the water” and use “race” later.”
-When I first read your intro, I was imagining the protagonist in a house frantically running away from her sister who was still in a swimming pool in the yard. So you can understand that I was confused and had to read very slowly to change my mental picture of your first scene. Once I understood that everything was happening underwater, the first part made sense. So, I suggest you make it clear that everything is happening underwater before the chase scene occurs.
I also agree with Amy when she says, “Im not sure I need the backstory yet, about the kingdom. It breaks the flow–she’s racing, so would she really be thinking history-of-turmoil? She’d just be thinking: “gotta get away”. Likewise, considering, she’s awfully descriptive about her OWN clothes and eyes.”
-Put yourself in the character’s shoes (no pun intended). Would you be thinking about the politics of your city/country while being chased by someone? I know I’d only be thinking about what to do to get away. At most, I’d also be thinking of strategies to disappear once I actually managed said escape.
I hope this was helpful! 🙂