Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Paranormal Romance/Horror/NA
The slamming of my bedroom door woke me up. I sat up in my bed and hugged the covers closer to me in fear. It was only a week after my family moved into the two story, old, and somewhat smelly house, and I hadn’t slept well since. The view was beautiful, slightly on a hill and overlooking the quant and personable neighborhood, but inside lurked things unknown.
The floorboard creaked near my closet and I threw my hand up to stifle the cry coming from my mouth. Hidden in the shadows of my bedroom, I could see the outline of something. It appeared to be shaped like a person, but I couldn’t be sure. Lips curled into a devious smile when it noticed me, sending a chill down my spine. Whatever it was, it was terrifying.
Please oh please don’t let this place be haunted. But even as I thought it, I knew that I had closed and locked my bedroom door before I laid down. There was no way it could have opened for someone to come in here.
“Who are you?” I asked, my voice squeaky as I forced the words out.
Whatever it was continued to stand there in the corner. Watching me. Studying me. My body started to shake, fear creeping over my skin as my mind started shifting from its sleepy state and registering that there was someone in my bedroom.
I reached over with a shaky hand to my bedside table and flicked
quant (quaint?) I love the story so far. I just don’t know who she is and I can’t connect with her yet. “threw my hand up.” makes me feel like someone “threw up” I clapped my hand over my mouth?, This sentence. “But even before I thought it, I knew that–” the word ‘that’ halts the flow of words for me. I knew I had locked and closed my bedroom door —
The rest of it I love! Another great novel I look forward to reading!
I agree with your suggestions, Laura.
Aw thank you!
Your comments are helpful!
I like the description you’ve used. You show things very well. I would almost like to see the character in a normal setting first. Perhaps with her family, interacting and then have her see something that’s pulls the reader into her personal horror story. It’s a good start 🙂
Thanks!
I considered that, but then I’m worried it won’t show the right tone for the story. Maybe I can find a way to weave in more of her back story into it without taking away from the horror.
Close (minus the “r”)
“In fear” is unnecessary (show don’t tell)
When you said “the view was beautiful” I was a bit confused considering its contrast with the initial dark tone (though I understood later on in the sentence)
I love the last part of that same sentence (“but inside lurked things unknown”) but the beginning of the sentence (in my opinion) is slightly awkward. Are you talking about the view from inside the house? The view of the house itself? If it’s the view looking out of the house I don’t see how that contrasts with the “unknown things lurking inside”. Clarify
“Coming from my mouth” is unnecessary
I like the description of the possible person thing
The character wishing the place isn’t haunted seems disconnected. As far as the reader knows right now this has never happened before.
Hadn’t she already registered that there was something in her bedroom earlier?
I’m very curious to know what this thing is and would certainly keep reading
Thank you so much for the critique! Very helpful!
A lot of action in the opening. It’s very easy to tell from your post what your genre is. I am left wondering why the family moved into this old, smelly house. Was there no newer, less odoriferous houses that they could afford? Was time of the essence, thus forcing them to settle for something less desirable? Or was this the house they wanted, maybe a fixer upper? I’m not sure you need to explain that in the first 250 words, but it is a question that I think the reader may ask. I am also writing a paranormal story about a family who moves into an old house, and the question of why the family chose the house they did to move into plagued me for a long time.
Love the quick action!
Oh cool, I would like to read yours as well! That’s cool!
yeah I explain it in the next chapter actually 😉
Like the other readers, I like this opening! The part ‘Please oh please don’t let this place be haunted. But even as I thought it, I knew that I had closed and locked my bedroom door before I laid down. There was no way it could have opened for someone to come in here.’ is excellent! It drags us right into your protagonist’s mind and fear. I want to see more of this!
But there are a few things that threw me out of your story. For example, the door slamming at the start. For it to slam shut, it had to have been opened. The description of the view slows the pace down, detracting from the urgency of the scene. It’s nice, but you’ve got such a creepy start going here, it would be a shame to lose that atmosphere.
Thanks for your feedback!
Glows (good stuff): I love how creepy the overall tone is. The sensory images like the house being somewhat smelly, fear creeping over the skin, and floor boards creaking help make the scene more frightening and real. The creature sounds scary.
Grows: (may need improvement): Other than checking the spelling, I would say there may be a few unneeded phrases. i.e.: “coming from my mouth” is not necessary. Maybe letting us know more about the narrator – we don’t even know her name yet – would help us to feel more of what he or she is feeling.
Thanks! I will work on putting in more things about her to show what she’s feeling and her name.
I definitely want to know what this creature thing is. Great job with setting up the tone. I think just cleaning up the sentences a bit would be good.
“The slamming of my bedroom door woke me up. I sat up in my bed and hugged the covers closer to me in fear.”
>>Could be rewritten as “The slamming of my bedroom door woke me up. I sat up in bed and hugged the covers closer.”
“It was only a week after my family moved into the two story, old, and somewhat smelly house, and I hadn’t slept well since.”
>>Could be: “Only a week had passed since my family moved into the old, two-story house that smelled somewhat like (something descriptive, like “old cheese”). I hadn’t slept well since.
“The view was beautiful, slightly on a hill and overlooking the quant and personable neighborhood, but inside lurked things unknown.”
>>I feel like this needs some sort of transition. Like, “Sure, the view overlooking the neighborhood was beautiful, but inside…”
>>I also feel like the “inside lurked things unknown” is telling the reader what to expect, rather than letting them find out. Maybe something like, “but I had always wondered what lurked inside.” Then we can discover it along with the character.
“The floorboard creaked near my closet and I threw my hand up to stifle the cry coming from my mouth.”
>>Could be: “The floorboard creaked near my closet. I threw my hand up to stifle a cry.” since the reader will already assume that the cry is coming from the mouth.
“Hidden in the shadows of my bedroom, I could see the outline of something. It appeared to be shaped like a person, but I couldn’t be sure.”
>>Could be: “From the shadows a strange outline appeared, shaped like a person, or a (descriptive word, like ‘ghost’). I couldn’t be sure.”
“Lips curled into a devious smile when it noticed me, sending a chill down my spine. Whatever it was, it was terrifying.”
>>I love this run! Just add: “Its lips…”
“Please oh please don’t let this place be haunted.”
>>”Please, oh please, don’t let this place be haunted.” I’m assuming this is in italics in your copy. Otherwise, it would need some sort of transition, like, “I mumbled beneath the covers.”
“But even as I thought it, I knew that I had closed and locked my bedroom door before I laid down. There was no way it could have opened for someone to come in here.”
>>You could remove “closed” here. Contractions would be good, too. Like: “I knew that I’d locked my bedroom door before lying down. There is no way someone could have come in here.”
“Who are you?” I asked, my voice squeaky as I forced the words out.”
>>You could remove “as I forced the words out.” Maybe replace “asked” with a stronger verb, like “choked, in a squeaky voice.”
“Whatever it was continued to stand there in the corner. Watching me. Studying me.”
>>Love this run!
“My body started to shake, fear creeping over my skin as my mind started shifting from its sleepy state and registering that there was someone in my bedroom.”
>>You changed tense a little bit here. “fear crept over my skin.” Also, he/she (it’s not clear) seems pretty awake throughout the scene, so the last part of this sentence confused me a bit.
Overall, great start! A bit of tweaking/streamlining, and I’m hooked!
Oh wow! Thank you for the intensive critique! I really appreciate it! And you’re so sweet!
Paragraph two shook me awake. In my opinion it should be paragraph one. Most of your first paragraph is an info dump. There’s a creep in the bedroom: who cares about the house? Likewise I don’t care if he strolled through an unlocked door or floated through the keyhole. He is In Here Now and I’m too worried to care.
Is the narrator male or female? Old or young? Weak or strong? We need a hint. As your opening stands, your narrator could be a pistol-packing Navy Seal.
I think you have a great turn of phrase which you don’t use nearly enough. “…inside lurked things unknown” and “the floorboard creaked near my closet” are excellent because they invite me to use my imagination, which assumes the worst. “Creaked near my closet” is so specific that I know this person is naturally tidy, defensive, alone in a silent room, which is in an old house(!), and, above all, is terrified.
I would suggest you beware of cliche. Instead of spooky house on hill (cliche: “The House On Haunted Hill”, “Psycho” and countless other movies) put the house above a ravine or anywhere odd (scary). Instead of a door slamming (cliche) have it click shut (scary, implies evil intent). “Hugged the covers” and a chill down the spine are cliches. Have fun replacing them in your own voice. For example: “I clawed at the covers, with no strength lift them” and “with a finger of ice, terror tickled my spine”. Also, avoid phrases that aren’t physically accurate. Does fear creep over skin?
Happily, these are all things which you can quickly deal with during an edit. In my opinion the tough ingredients: voice, atmosphere, empathy with the mc, are all there. Most important for this opening, I recommend you stay locked on the creep like you would if this was real. You wouldn’t spare a thought for old, smelly houses, or even ghosts. Tell us later. Like the narrator, we’re hanging on What Happens Next.
Can’t wait! Page Turned!
Awesome! Thank you!
I like the first two sentences. I immediately got pulled into the “why is this happening” part of my brain, which is a plus. But I lose interest fast when you follow them up with description. To be honest, I glazed over the description to get to the “why” faster.
I really like the description of the thing in her room. It is intriguing and creepy. I was a bit put off by the protagonist saying, “Please oh please don’t let this place be haunted.” Maybe it’s just me, but if some non-human looking creature were to enter a locked room I happened to be in, my main worry would be, “Please oh please don’t hurt me.” Or something along those lines. Also, the part about, “My body started to shake, fear creeping over my skin as my mind started shifting from its sleepy state and registering that there was someone in my bedroom,” seems to come in a bit late. I mean, the protagonist was woken up by a slamming door and has done/said many things before that sentence. Wouldn’t the initial fear make him/her be wide awake by then?
Despite everything I’ve commented on, I think it a good start to your paranormal/horror romance. I would definitely want to read more! 🙂
Thank you for your honesty! It’s helpful! Glad you wanna read more 🙂
It’s definitely very good, it got me hooked for sure. But the description/setting can be intrusive. You’ve started with a bang and then proceeded to have too long a description that pulled me out. I think it would do wonders to move the slamming of the door as the last sentence in that paragraph. It makes more sense to be followed by the attention given to the creaking of the floorboards right after that, then with a the knowledge of them being new to the place.
Also, like others pointed out, you’ve put in the realization and waking part too late. If your door slams and you feel a presence in the room, your adrenaline kicks in so high you’re ready to go for a marathon, no stretching needed. 😛
Other than that, yeah, it’s a gripping start. Be sure to have something good after this, else he’ll feel disappointed that it was nothing. Cheers!
Thank you so much!!!
Brooke, I can tell you if my door slammed and i saw something floating around I would crap my pants. heheh Suggestions for your consideration: Instead of giving the reader a lot of background about the house, focus on the ghost. “Who are you?” should be closer to the beginning of your story. My body started to shake, fear creeping over my skin as my mind started shifting from its sleepy state and registering that there was someone in my bedroom. To me, this is repetitive and could easily be left out. Good luck with your story.
LOL! Yeah I would too. I’d be screaming while i ran running!
Thanks for the critique!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Romance, Erotic
Labile in her fractured laugh, “don’t touch me,” not her chaffed anguished skin, but a blurted out distilled expectation. Jasen’s lukewarm hand rested taming a jittered shoulder as her entire right-side laid still on that grass and braze ego shrug off, there the comrade her coexisting sporadic lover. Hovering the scene of impact, dying engine and it hissed its last rattle as Jasen switched the relic two-wheeled cruiser off. His blunt contemptuous snare undermined the devoted bike mania she held for the only love her father left. “Look at you what the hell were you thinking,” toward her side and accompanying her hysterics while in a distance they both checked Miss Throttles. “Clareese, she’s gone to the bare metal in some parts, your father will haunt you, I told you, don’t ride that bike! You’re not ready, lucky you I came by to bring you my idea of the Callahan’s proposal. To find you where? Out cold under the stars. I don’t think I should move you…” “I’m fine Jasen, you see,” determined to stand in the mist and produced bike fog. Jasen, with care brought her back to grounded feet. Headstrong and groggy she brushed off the windshield particles of prickling unseen dust, a rare taste in her mouth as her tongue spilled out in repeated snaps airing the metallic flavor. Clareese had no give up in her wheeled machine, and grunts of relief while gesturing to get right back on. “Hold on gorgeous-mess I’ll help you there.”
I appreciate that you’ve cultivated a very unique voice here. However, I am finding it hard to follow who is present in this scene and what is going on.
Hit reply too soon, sorry! I just wanted to say that I really enjoyed the last line “Hold on gorgeous-mess.”
I feel like your writing might be getting in the way of your story. This could be stronger (imho) in plain english–fewer big words, and fewer adjectives. Just tell us what happens! (Well, actually show :0)
Make sure to use new paragraphs each time a new person speaks. I think the big block of text could also be contributing to the confusion. Also, I think attributes: who is SAYING each thing? So, for example: “Look at you, what the hell were you thinking,” said Jasen.
I like “gorgeous mess” too. Great line.
I agree with the other critiques regarding the voice interfering with the story. I stopped after a few lines because I couldn’t understand what was going on.
Glows (good stuff): You have a unique way of turning a phrase and have nice mixture of narrative and dialogue
Grows (may need improvement): Unfortunately, when I read this, I’m lost. I don’t know who any of these characters are or how many are speaking. Labile, Clareese, Callahan, and Jasen are all mentioned but I’m not sure who is speaking or who’s present in the scene. The language itself is difficult to decipher as well.
i.e. Labile in her fractured laugh, “don’t touch me,” not her chaffed anguished skin, but a blurted out distilled expectation.
Is Labile laughing? I’m not sure skin can be anguished. What does “distilled expectation” mean?
This is labeled as an erotic romance, but I have a hard time figuring what’s actually going on and how the characters are interacting. Perhaps using simple language to describe character’s actions would clarify your intentions.
Thank you writing comrades for your constructive feedback, after all it’s treacherous boot camp where I believe it lend to polishing our craft. Yes, Im aware of my ambiguous voice (first love: Poetry). I am confident of my first novel draft ( it’s like sculpting, really) I have an entire manuscript ready to be buffed, but the first chapter is proving to be a challenge (I think I need a wrecking ball there;). Back to the old drawing board as they say… I’m the optimistic junkie, therefore I will learn the art of tweaking for the masses;) without a poetic vibe. Success and perseverance to you all. Thanks, Miss Brock for your time.
Here’s my somewhat blurb to bring light the characters that were lost in my 250 word chance to dazzle and failed, its all good. I ‘ll work on what appears to be the consensus, thanks again:
The City of Stamford the breeder of a fine ambitious entrepreneur and hard-working Clareese Alana was a modern example, content with her accomplishments, the occasional zesty lover and best friend. Partnering with the always charming Jasen Gallagher setting up the game with underlined hopes, to settle? Convenient in practice and no weepy lasso had defined their respectful fondness, enterprising venture and friendship. Their quest had come to the pivotal moment, it was a no-brainer they were suited for one another.
Until a prophetic lucid dream tatted Clareese in expectations of carnal passions that in fact she was not her leading self yet in the dominion of intoxications unknown and enveloped beyond mere lust. Questioning her rather mundane existence she opted to take some days off to ponder in the business trip proposed by long-time friend and business partner, who sends her off to North Carolina knowing this will be the pitch in their company’s ultimate success and his chance to offer Clareese more than the bottom-line. In this trip she meets mister salvation? The ardent and fierce Bradley Callahan on two wheels and who has a knack to harness… where the penalty of procrastination can prove to be a bitch!
I think this needs to be split up into more paragraphs. The dialogue is buried in this paragraph and it makes it hard to follow. Also, watch for commas. There should be more! It distracts from the story.
Maybe start with “Don’t touch me” that would definitly pull in the reader! even if she’s laughing about it
“. Jasen’s lukewarm hand rested taming a jittered shoulder as her entire right-side laid still on that grass and braze ego shrug off, there the comrade her coexisting sporadic lover” is confusing and holds a lot of information in it. Split it up. Same with the next sentence starting with “hoverign”.
All in all, it’s confusing. I’m not sure if she’s in a car or on a motorcycle or really what is her thinking and what is really going on. If you do the things I mentioned, it will help. Love the last line!
Hi Jules. I tried to read this but couldn’t get past the first sentence. I just don’t get the lingo. Sorry.
It seems to me that you are trying to write poetry, in the modern (or perhaps postmodern?), free-verse kind of way. There may be a place for that in poetry (I’m not always sure myself, but de gustibus non disputandum, right?), but I doubt a novel is the right place for it. At least in free verse, one often has line-breaks and so on to help the reader make sense of what is going on; here, it comes out as a jumbled stream of words and images, not all, I’m sorry to say, intelligible or even possible to envision. The pervasive misspellings and outright errors of punctuation and word-use (‘chaffed’, presumably for ‘chafed’, the strange metaphorical (?) use of ‘labile’, ‘snare’ for ‘stare’, the unnecessary hyphen in ‘right-side’, etc.) make it even harder to understand. I think for all that, though, that you have some interesting turns of phrase and imagery (the image of the character flicking out her tongue is striking).
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
YA – Speculative Fiction
The sun makes its final appearance in the sky; painting a rainbow of colors across the horizon. The distant hills roll like white satin sheets glistening in the dwindling sun. I’m snuggled warm in the car unaffected by the bitter cold outside. My ears are filled with the sweet sounds of happiness. As Dad and I listen to music, talk and laugh. He turns back to me. His eyes shine into my soul and radiate euphoria through my body. With his tranquil voice he says; “My love for you is eternal; without any beginning or end.” Then it happens. My body is thrown forward into my seat belt, sending a bolt of pain through me. My dad looks back at me, his eyebrows furrowed. I dig my nails into my seat. His knuckles turn white as he grips tight on the steering wheel. I don’t have time to speak before we are hit again. The car spins; the world around me cyclones. With another hard hit we flip end over end off the road. I can feel the buckle cut into my skin. As we spin around and around and down an embankment. We come to a stop upside down. Every sound around me is muted, leaving me in dead silence. The icy air tears through my skin like angry dogs; my aching body shivers against them. Blood streams down the side of my dad’s face. He’s hurt. I need to get to him. I claw at my seatbelt trying to get it to release me.
I find the description of the sunset beautiful, but it distances me from your protagonists so that when the accident happens, I’m surprised — it is at odds with your slow, descriptive opening, which adds to the shock — but I’m not engaged. I’m also curious as to what makes the father say those words at that exact moment. Did he know what was about to happen?
Thank you so much for your feedback. I have made some major edits!
It’s a very descriptive opening. 🙂 I agree with Gillian’s comment. I don’t think I connect with your characters before the accident happens and the imagery doesn’t match the horror of a crash. I like the action though. I don’t know if the dialogue rings true. I think a motion from the father to convey that he cares for his daughter might be more subtle.
Agreed! Thank you so much for your time!
I’m definitely curious to know whether or not the father has survived this crash, but you’ll get more of an impact by being less descriptive and leaving some of the information to our imagination. I like the setup with the sunset, music, etc., but you could shorten it into one condensed sentence, then one for the father’s comment, then BANG…and we’re into the crash. Your strongest writing is describing the crash itself, so play up on that as much as you can. Also, there are a few grammatical errors to watch out for, particularly when using “as.” You’re beginning a few sentences that should be continuations off of the sentences before them. For example: “My ears are filled with the sweet sounds of happiness, as Dad and I listen to music…”
Another thing I would recommend is to hone in on your character’s voice. If this is YA, and you’re writing in the first person, you’ll want to write as the character would speak. If your character is a teenager, scale back on words like “euphoria” and heavy description. Teenagers will just call it like it is, and may use different words. For the sunset, they might just describe it as “pretty,” for the music, they might just say, “as we listen to the Beatles, our favorite band,” etc. OK, maybe not the Beatles, but you get the idea. Dialing in on how your character would live through the scene and describe it will be the best way to draw your reader in.
It definitely seems like this is a great place to start your novel, so work out the voice, and you’ve got a winner!
Kelli, Thank you so much for your in-depth feedback! When you are so close to something it is hard to see all the flaws. I am working on revising this and cleaning it up for a better flow. I appreciate your time!
Glows (good stuff): The language is beautiful, the connection between father and daughter touching, and the accident shocking.
Grows (may need improvement): It’s such a jarring transition to go from a father proclaiming his everlasting love to a violent accident. The idea is good, but for some reason it doesn’t seem real to me. Maybe her father died and she’s remembering what happened through rose-colored glasses, but does the average dad really talk to his daughter like this while sitting in a car? Maybe if they were simply joking around or playing a game, it would ring more true but still have the same devastating impact on the daughter. (Just a suggestion).
Love the glows and grows… such a nice way to put it! I appreciate your suggestions and am working on revising! Thank you!
“As Dad and I listen to music, talk and laugh. He turns back to me. ” could be put together. Love the description of the sunset! There’s definitly a lot of action going on here! I think, though, it seems a little rushed? If you go through and split up this paragraph into multiples it would help. It hides your dialogue. Your imagery is great! I love the phrases you use! Her panic after the silence is easily felt!
Thank you for the feedback. I call myself the run on sentence queen, so sometimes I error in the other direction. 🙂
Opening with the weather or a description of the sky is one of those things that is done so often it risks putting off agents and editors immediately. I understand the contrast that you’re drawing (and I like it), but I can’t in good conscience tell you to keep the opening lines.
The dad’s comment, to me, felt too extreme for a father-daughter relationship, especially coupled with how extremely happy she is. It almost made my creep radar go off, but maybe that’s just me and the fact that most YA is romantic.
Hope this helps!
Ellen, I laughed so hard when you said your “creep radar” went off… I never saw it that way… but I totally see it now! I have taken the quote out all together and changed it around. Dad is not a creep at all! LOL 🙂 Also I am revising the entire set up. I appreciate your tips! This is my first ever attempt so I still have a lot to learn! Thanks for hosting this boot camp. Such an amazing idea!
Hi Ann, I understand what you are trying to portray, the relationship between a daughter and her father. Suggestions for your consideration: My ears are filled with the sweet sounds of happiness. As Dad and I listen to music, talk and laugh. This sounds odd. First of all happiness itself has no sound. Why not just say, Dad and I listen to music. We talk. We laugh. I’m so lucky ….He turns back to me. His eyes shine into my soul and radiate euphoria through my body. With his tranquil voice he says; “My love for you is eternal; without any beginning or end.” This sounds like something one’s lover might say, not a father to daughter. Then it happens. I suggest you leave this out and let the reader figure out what’s happening….Something like,…My body slams forward against the seat belt and cuts my wind or something like that. Consider dialogue instead of telling the reader …my Dad looks back at me.. “Dad, what’s happening.” I don’t have time to speak before we are hit again. If you incorporate the dialogue I suggested, this would make sense, otherwise, delete this sentence……the world around me cyclones. I know what you’re trying to show but I think you have the wrong word. I would delete this because you say in the next sentence….we spin around… dead silence. Silence is silence and doesn’t much change even it it is dead…heheh. Blood streams down the side of my dad’s face. He’s hurt. I need to get to him…You could make this way more dramatic with the use of dialogue. Good luck with your story.
Sharon,
Great tips! I agree with a lot of what you say. I am revising from all of the great feedback I received. Everyone’s insight has been truly invaluable!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Paranormal Romance/Adult
I will never be the same again.
Nate felt the premonition like a cold whisper against the back of his neck. The feeling was strong enough to form words. Nate felt them creep all the way down his spine to settle in his gut with the weight of certainty.
Nothing will ever be the same.
Nate’s first thought was that someone had put an ice-cube down his t-shirt. He glanced behind him. “Seriously, Aki. Stealing my table was bad enough, you don’t have to ice the wound.”
Aki glanced up. Never able to keep still for long, the fingers of his free hand drummed against the long granite slab that formed the bar, even as he talked to Nate. “Ice?”
The bar was clear of any glasses and the mixologist was at the other end of it, working on Aki’s order.
“I thought–” Nate stopped. How to explain what he’d thought?
Aki snorted, leaning back against the bar. “Daydreaming like that is what gets tables stolen out from under you,” he said, surveying the club with satisfaction. Even on a night like this, with the attraction of a live band swelling the usual payday crowd, a table of college girls on a rite of passage was a coup. “A round of seven cocktails. And that’s only the start.”
The live band was taking a break. The house D.J. turned up lights and music to fill the gap. Strobe lights caught the lingering dry ice from the stage show,
I’m not sure why but the repeating of his name “Nate” instead of he put me off a bit. Maybe alternate it with he and then his name? I do like the story so far and I love Para Romances 🙂 Good luck!
Thanks for the suggestion! I’m glad you’re enjoying it so far.
You might not want to use analogies using three body parts (neck, spine, gut) in the first handful of sentences. Body part analogies are often considered overused.
I’m a bit confused as to why he felt it as a premonition, but then thought that there was an ice-cube down his t-shirt. Or are these two unrelated things?
I’d like to know what his relationship to Aki is and also how the bar setting is relevant.
Hope this helps!
It does indeed, Ellen! I thought I was pretty good at spotting cliches, but I would never have caught the body part analogies.
Likewise, I thought I was being clever using the ice-cube to show how quick Nate was to dismiss the premonition. Clearly I have to make that — and who Aki is — clearer if I want to keep it in. Thank you very much!
Glows (good stuff): I like that it starts with a premonition. It produces a nice creepy tone. Your descriptive language is gorgeous.
Grows (may need improvement): I see no indication of the paranormal in this introduction. The first quarter of this excerpt also feels a little disconnected from the rest. I realize he’s daydreaming, but to have someone feel like they “will never be the same again” before switching to checking out a group of girls in a club feels a bit off-putting to me. Maybe if we understood what paranormal power is involved, it might make more sense.
Thanks Jeannie! This is really good feedback for me, because I know that in a few pages Nate will meet the cause of the premonition, so the reminder that my reader does not know this and is going to be wondering about that is good to have. Thanks a lot!
I will never be the same again.
Nate felt the premonition like a cold whisper against the back of his neck. The feeling was strong enough to form words. Nate felt them creep all the way down his spine to settle in his gut with the weight of certainty.
Nothing will ever be the same.
Nate’s first thought was that someone had put an ice-cube down his t-shirt. He glanced behind him. “Seriously, Aki. Stealing my table was bad enough, you don’t have to ice the wound.”
– My first thought about the beginning was that the ice-cube down the shirt feeling had already been described in the second paragraph. So I would suggest maybe merging paragraphs 2 and 4. The other thing that stopped the flow for me in that part of the text is the third paragraph, “Nothing will ever be the same.” It feels more like it should end a scene or chapter because of the presence of the first line. Maybe it’s just too close to the first line and feels a bit repetitive. If it was placed at the end of the scene it might feel like it was reinforcing the first line at the top of the story.
I think once the flow is fixed between the first and second half of your first page, it will be a good start to your story. 🙂
When I think of premonition, I think of an impending event. What event has Nate experienced to give him such a reaction?.. .Where is he? What is he doing? I think you need to fill in a few blanks before you tell us his life will never be the same.
Cold whisper…great description. The feeling was strong enough to form words. This sounds like a repeat of the previous sentence and weakens the cold whisper effect.. Nate felt them creep all the way down his spine to settle in his gut with the weight of certainty. This sounds odd. Nothing will ever be the same. The reader already knows this from Nate’s reaction.
Nate’s first thought was that someone had put an ice-cube down his t-shirt. Doesn’t make sense since he thought it was a premonition. you don’t have to ice the wound…I’m not sure why Nate is saying this to Aki. Who is Aki?
the long granite slab that formed the bar, Why not….the long granite bar. I would have liked to know a little more about Nate before jumping into a bar scene. Good luck with your story.
I like the opening. I had to read the first couple sentences to realize they were underway and it drew me in to the story.
I would remove ‘had been’ as it seems a little too passive.
You say “I tried to hurry so that I could get away before some caught me.” This sounds like telling. Can you explain what the character is doing to hurry? Perhaps throwing open closets, grabbing a bag, etc.
I love the action!
I meant to say ‘underwater’ not ‘underway’ 🙂 Oops.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Fantasy
I’ve been fighting with a sword since I was eight. It was the only way to feel alive; to feel the blood running in my veins. I stalked my prey, eyeing him from behind my mask. My ragged breathing was amplified inside this white fencing suit, drowning the outside noise. The suit was supposed to protect me, yet it served to protect him from me.
Strike him. Make him bleed.
Ignoring the demon whispering inside my head, I lunged forward stabbing the blade toward his heart. The hall exploded with cheers as blood-rush sang wildly in my ears. Adrenaline rushed through my veins, echoing the sweet, sharp metallic twangs of clashing swords.
“15-8! Southampton college—champion of regional games!” the speakers blared into the screaming crowd. And just like that, it was over.
I pulled back, my jaw ticked with irritation. It was too quick. I should’ve stalled a bit more rather than lunging toward him like a homicidal maniac.
I clenched my fist on the sabre, curbing myself from giving in to the roaring hunger. My opponent grabbed his mask and yanked it off. Sweat streamed down his face, his skin flushed.
“Man, you’re one tough badass. I was completely thrashed.” He saluted me with his sabre.
“What do you expect? Our captain’s the best fencer in the region and probably in the whole world.” My classmate Leona flanked me immediately, jumping with excitement, knowing she won the bet. I pulled my mask off, and my blond hair escaped from the hairband and tumbled down my back in long waves.
This is a really strong start! The effectiveness of the action is a little undercut by the formal phrasing of the first paragraph.
I’m also not sure whether this is a literal demon or not. From your choice of genre, I expect it is. Maybe make that clearer?
My final comment is a really minor personal preference. I have long hair, and I’ve thought of it as tumbling anywhere. That comment sounds more like its there for the reader than being something your narrator would say. Also, long hair + exercise + restrictive fencing mask = hot hair that sticks to your forehead and neck.
Glows (good stuff): I was immediately brought into the story and surprised to find it was a competition rather than a battle. Your sensory details are lovely and make the scene feel real, especially her opponent’s ragged breathing. Wonderful!
Grows (may need improvement): I detected no fantasy elements in this excerpt.
I’m assuming the gender of your protagonist is female and that will be important to the plot somehow later on. Nice job!
LOVE this introduction! Very strong! My question is: is it a real demon in her head? Or is it a part of her she doesn’t like? Other than that I like it!
When I read this in the Genre Guess, I absolutely thought the MC was male; bit of a surprise. Is there any way you could introduce that she’s a girl earlier on?
If she does have a demon in her head, it would help to put anything it says in italics.
With the hair thing Gilllianstkevern brought up: I have long, wavy hair – braids all the way.
Other than that, very engaging. I would read this, partly because she probably uses a real sword at some point, and I like swords.
I think you’ve got really nice pacing, and your sentences flow smoothly. I respect that *fist bump* because it shows talent. Also, that was great at the end, when the MC’s gender was revealed. It sucked me into the story; along with the spot-on character voice!
In the second sentence: “It was the only way to feel alive-” and in the second-to-last sentence: “My classmate Leona flanked me immediately, jumping with excitement, knowing she won the bet.” are the only edits I would make.
Maybe this: “IT’S the only way to feel alive”?
Also, I would revise that second to last sentence, because I had to reread that part; it didn’t quite focus in my mind. Although, that could be because of my focus problems.
Other than that, I would definitely read on!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre Science Fiction
Rupert Denney and his wife Paula sat in their doctor’s examination room patiently waiting to hear the results. The two were both on edge. Paula gently held Rupert’s hand and looked at him with a nervous, wide eyed uncertainty; the not-knowing look right before hearing bad news. Lately, Rupert had been experiencing terrible headaches. Headaches that would start behind his eyes then push through to the top of his head. He was two months shy from his annual checkup, but the headaches Rupert was experiencing were so horrendous he couldn’t wait. Reluctantly, Paula made the appointment to see his doctor and now after the check-up, they waited to hear the news.
Life had been good so far right up until the headaches began. Rupert just turned eighty-two years old, but looked like he was in his mid-forties and felt like he was twenty-five. Thanks to compound FOY, a chemical mandated by the federal government to be added to the public water system when Rupert was seven years old; his life expectancy would be around one hundred and sixty. Right now, he was considered middle aged. Rupert and Paula’s children, Max and Jenna, could easily live up to two hundred and thirty, and their children, if they are allowed to have any, could surpass three hundred years or more.
Doctor Derren Dupree, Rupert and Paula’s family doctor for over sixty years, stepped into the room with a stone cold expression on his face. It was Dupree’s rapid clicking of his pen that told Rupert the news wasn’t good.
This looks like the introduction to a really interesting world. Already, you’ve introduced us to FOY, the way it has impacted this society, and the future changes it is likely to have. You’re not only giving us information, you’re giving us something to be curious about!
However, you seem to contradict yourself a little in your opening. Rupert and Paula are waiting patiently, but they’re on edge. They don’t know what the news is, but Paula’s look is of someone hearing bad news. She is nervous, but she made Rupert’s appointment reluctantly (although this last one isn’t necessarily a contradiction, but the sequence of the paragraph made me question it). I think removing these contradictions and strengthening the logical flow of the paragraph would make it even more immediate.
As a personal thing, the phrasing ‘Rupert Denney and his wife Paula’ gave me pause. If the society in your story clings to very strict and traditional gender roles then it totally fits, but if not, it gave me the unfortunate impression of Paula being Rupert’s accessory.
Glows (good stuff): Wow, what an awesome beginning! You pulled me right in and have me concerned over Rupert’s welfare. I liked the uniqueness of 82 being middle-aged and how his wife is worried about him. The image of the clicking pen was very effective in increasing the anxiety of the moment. It made the ending such a strong hook. Fabulous!
Grows (may need improvement): The only minor quibble I have is the phrase “the not-knowing look right before hearing bad news.” It feels like it may be giving something away more than foreshadowing, but I could be wrong.
I had to search to come up with any possible negative thing to say! Great job!
This comes off a bit telly. Can you show? Maybe dialogue, as the couple talks to each other and then the doctor?
Also, there is quite a bit of backstory (his good life, his looks–out of POV, a bit–the compound, their kids etc) that I think might be better held off until later in your story.
Maybe get INTO Rupert’s head. What is he thinking (and saying) right at this moment? Does his head hurt NOW? Is he scared, NOW?
You’ve set up what looks like an interesting world, but I don’t need to know everything about it right away.
You made me curious about Rupert right away, which is really hard to do, so – kudos to you! It was clear that this was some kind of science fiction story, which is good. I mean, those kinds of advances change every aspect of life, right? I like Paula’s character, too. I find her believable.
The sentence: “Rupert just turned eighty-two years old, but looked like he was in his mid-forties and felt like he was twenty-five.” seems a bit crowded; it threw me off. Is that information needed for this scene? Or could it wait until later?
Another thing is Rupert’s character presence. He seems like a big question mark, which could be intriguing and have the right effect; or it is something that needs improvement on. Who is Rupert?
~Other than that, awesome concept!
Hi Jackie C
Thank you for your kind words. I presently work at a job that requires me to be on job ten hours a day. That does not include the hour and a half train ride in and the hour and a half train ride out. Very long day. My brain is fried. It will take me a bit to get back to you. Sorry.
all the best
Joseph
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Chick-Lit, New Adult, Romantic Comedy
Scripting every scene of her life as if it was part of a movie soundtrack, worked well for a person with eclectic music tastes like Brynne Howell. She loved everything from Gregorian chant to Underground Grime and had a knack for creating thoughtful playlists. Her mind was an exhaustive compendium of song lyrics for every occasion. Like today, when she was late. Again. Applying reverse logic—a field of study in which she held advanced theoretical degrees—she did not pick the bad day theme song, for that might result in the obvious. Some might suggest the even more obvious, such as Sounds of Relaxation to soothe her rushed spirit. Instead, she chose an iconic, genre-crossing, classic with a driving bass line to usher her steps forward, while praying the song would not become a self-fulfilling prophecy for her new job. Queen—Another One Bites the Dust.
Wearing the perfect ensemble for a cold rainy day; a flared-just-above-the-knee pewter skirt with a fluted hem that was so lightweight it practically floated, and a silky white blouse, Brynne darted off for the Underground. Still in her probation period as a new employee, this would be the third time she was late in a matter of weeks (or possibly the fifth—Brynne was pathetic when it came to maths). She might have flunked geometry, but understood the concept of volume: there was still plenty of room to stuff her disappointment with herself into each of three bags weighing down her shoulder.
I think you have an interesting idea with the music, but I’m not sure leading with the concept is ideal. This opening feels like it’s doing an awful lot of telling without providing anything to draw the reader into the story.
I started wanting to skim after the first few sentences to get to the action, but nothing really happened that I found captivating enough to want to keep reading when the section was over.
Could you move into the conflict of this scene more quickly and introduce the musical concepts later? Do we need all of this info (her music, her degree, her clothes, her probation) upfront?
Thanks Ellen. I changed the scene from my professional edit because either yourself or one like you said it was cliche to open with a character waking up. The conflict is that she’s late again, ran out of coffee at home, and is still in her probation period. Music obsession is a major theme in the story. Your advice is greatly appreciated. Rae
This is a lot of information at once, and I didn’t feel sucked into it. If you change this scene up and make it more action and draw the reader in, you can scatter all this information throughout that scene or push it off later in the story if it’s not needed right now. Show me, don’t tell me 😉
Hi Rae
I like the sound of Brynne, but agree that it needs to be changed around a bit.
At the moment, I don’t get the feeling she cares that she’s late, although she does because of her disappointment in herself. If I’m late in the mornings, it’s panic stations. I’ll do several things at once; so when Brynne’s choosing music, she could also be getting dressed. I think that even though music is important to her, just the fact that she makes time to choose some will get that across to the reader.
I’d focus on the getting dressed, quick choice of music and getting to work, there’s no time for her to muse on too much.
Hope this helps
Erica
Absolutely agree 100%. Thanks Erica.
I agree with the other comments.
To show someone rushing to work:
“Nothing had gone right that morning for Brynne Howell, but even her chaotic start needed an appropriate soundtrack. An upbeat Queen song blasted into her earbuds, as she stumbled around her apartment for attire that would withstand the rainstorm outside. She didn’t have time for coffee because her alarm hadn’t gone off, and she just couldn’t be late again this month; she was still in the probation period at her new job.”
I have a hard time explaining what I mean, so I hope this helps show how I would choose bits to put in and when they might work better for flow. 🙂
Thanks Amanda. I am skipping the soundtrack for now, the most impirtant issue is late, no coffee, must stop.
Hiya!
I found this interesting to read. It was fun, but I wondered more about ‘Brynne’s’ inner workings than her exclusive taste music. It might be just me, but I found all the info/analysis a bit too much for the beginning intro (a bit heavy).
I liked Brynne, and want to find out more. You show her flaws, which is great, gives insight into her character. I loved the whole clothing part mixed with rain – we all know (think we know) where this leading, lol.
In this piece we are aware:
Of MC name, music tastes and how she applies it to her day, new job, always late/untogether, possibly a bit scatty (I like),
Where is she? London?
How old is she?
Does her hair get damp? If so, perfect time to get some description in.
I hope you don’t mind but I played around with things a bit :o)
Brynne Howell loved everything from Gregorian chant to Underground Grime and had a knack for creating thoughtful playlists. She scripted every scene of her life as if it was part of a movie soundtrack, which worked well for a person with such a eclectic music taste. Her mind was an exhaustive compendium of song lyrics for every occasion. In which, she would allocate a song to the day, like now, as she ran late, again. However, this time, she didn’t pick the bad day theme song. Instead, she steered away from the obvious, such as sounds of relaxation, and choose an iconic, genre-crossing, classic with a driving bass line to usher her steps forward. Brynne prayed that the song would not become a self-fulfilling prophecy for her new position. Queen—Another One Bites the Dust.
It started to rain. Typical, thought Brynne, as she darted off for the Underground. Of course, only she would be wearing the not-so-perfect ensemble: a flared, lightweight skirt, that came just-above-the-knee, worn with a thin, silky white blouse. No wonder she felt a cold chill upon entering the crosswinds of the underground tunnels.
Brynne was still under her probation period, and this would be the third time she was late in a matter of weeks (or possibly the fifth—she was pathetic at remembering things, especially anything involving numbers). Brynne flunked geometry, and some other subjects people thought mattered. It felt as if the mass of disappointment weighed down on her more heavily than the three bags on her shoulder.
Wow Tracey love this.
I’m happy that you liked it ;o) Always helps to give examples – just so we can see our stories moved around in a different way through others eyes x
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre-Supernatural/Suspense/Thriller
John Mars stared at the small stack of papers like a man who had just been handed a death sentence. Most of the information made no sense at all to him. He had no idea how high a white blood cell count should be or what a sed rate was. The images, though, those were more telling, especially to an artist who made his living in part with his eyes. The dark spots on the CT scan, the high resolution MRI images, these things were obvious even to the untrained eye. They were pictures. Sophisticated and hi tech, yes, but pictures nonetheless. John knew pictures. And looking at these, he could understand that he really was being given a death sentence.
“Are you sure?” he asked the doctor. It was all he could think of to say.
Doctor Landon was a chunk of a man who looked as if he had barely managed to squeeze into the chair between his diploma covered wall and his desk. He was John’s senior by a decade, probably closer to two, and he looked like a heart attack waiting to happen. How is it that he has more days left in him than I do? he wondered. How the hell did that happen?
To his right, his wife was crying softly, a white knuckled fist pressed to her mouth as if to stymie a scream. She knows it too, he thought. I’m dying. That’s what the pictures said, and pictures did not lie.
Wow. Excellent, gripping beginning. You’ve done a stellar job of giving us just enough information about the character without weighing things down with exposition, and even though we are inside the main character’s head in that opening paragraph, you’ve written it in such a dynamic way that there’s really no putting it down.
Your descriptions are great, as well — “…a chunk of a man… looked like a heart attack waiting to happen…” Wonderful. I would write “How is it that he has more days left in him than I do?John wondered,” rather than ‘he’ as there was a tiny hiccup of confusion there for me. I wish I had more constructive criticism for this, but it honestly is very, very well written. I would love to read more.
Great opening. I like how his diagnosis is revealed. This is much better than just telling it. You managed to sneak in a bit of info about the character as well- he’s an artist. Love the Doctor Landon description. The irony of a docor with an unhealthy physique delivering the MC a death sentence adds a touch of humor to the situation. I believe you could leave out the “he wondered” in that sentence. We realize that these are his thoughts. Same with the “I thought” in the next paragraph. In fact, I believe this is 3rd person limited POV here, so you want to watch the filtering words. Like “looked like” and “looked as if”. It’s very good though. Sucked me in and flows well.
Really loved this!
I think it’s really hard to open with a scene like that without sounding either melodramatic or not having the reader care. The way you describe his thoughts with the pictures is really great! I loved “John knew pictures.” and “That’s what the pictures said, and pictures did not lie.”
Also really agree with Julie about the way you portray the doctor.
From this opening, I would certainly keep reading!
I think the information in front of John Mars, that makes no sense to him, makes no sense to most of us either. So definitely keep all that paperwork but perhaps you could include the specifics lower down. Also, I think you could bring up the paragraph about his wife. That’s the first place I would look, if it was me. The doctor would probably be the last thing on my mind, and as reader he is too. I think the bombshell is the thing. Why not stay with that awhile?
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA/Fantasy/Horror.
Ben sat behind the cramped school desk at Richardson High School. He was bored to death. “I should kill myself” he thought. Then he shrugged off the notion, because Amy Gillis,
the girl sitting in the desk in front of him, had dropped her pencil, and he was primed to stare at her ass as she bent over to pick it up. As she did, he scanned her rear and placed the
image in his mental catalogue of things he had seen and wanted, but had no hope of ever coming into contact with. Like a Lamborghini, or a million dollars, or a member of the opposite
sex. And oh my god was it nice. Was she wearing underwear? He could make out no panty lines
As she sat back down, he felt a slap on the back of his head. It was Eric
Smith. Football hero and general asshole. Not general as in regular, he thought, but general as in military rank. Schools have unwritten military rank, he knew. “Eric Smith, General
Asshole.” What a title. The apt and oft earned moniker Ben had given him, though he kept it to himself.
“I saw that you fucking dork, Eric said, keep your eyes off of my Girlfriend.”
Before he could respond, Eric smacked him again, and his glasses flew off, landing in the aisle. As he bent to pick them up, he felt Eric grab his underpants, and yank them into the crack
of his ass with a rip.
I think this reads well. Might be a tad risque for young adult. I guess that would depend on the age range you are thinking of when you say your target is YA. I immediately get the feeling that Ben is at the end of his rope and harboring feelings of doing something drastic, but he also has the hormone driven feelings that all teenagers deal with. I like the picture you are painting.
What do you suggest? Just marking it Horror/Fantasy? Thanks for all the help 🙂
Depends on what you mean by YA. I was thinking it might be a little risque for younger readers, but if you are aiming for “older” young adults I don’t see any issues.
Hi Scott,
Tee hee, you know my thoughts already, but will post parts of my critique here too ;o)
Sadly, the above paragraphs are broken-up, this makes it a little more difficult to follow (did you paste from notepad? I found that it did that in the email too).
Here goes:
I liked the Dweeb/Ben’s viewpoint and the hierarchy of pupils in school, helped knowing how he ranks himself (later). Everyone will instantly relate to this situation – no matter their sphere.
I get the feeling that something is going to happen to change Ben into someone stronger.
You have done well in portraying a teenage boy’s mind set. Maybe, add the age/year that Ben is in. Where is the school? Region?
What does Amy look like? Ben’s imagery of Amy, that stays in his mind.
Eric’s description, although, I gather he is taller / muscular as plays football, but maybe add how Ben sees in him, everything that he isn’t, chiselled jaw, short fair hair, different colour eyes etc. These are all just suggestions :o)
I honestly thought it flowed well. I wasn’t bored or lost. :o)
I’m looking forward to what happens next, especially as you placed in fantasy/ horror genre. I love stories that initially lead you to believe everything is humdrum, then ‘bang’ have some of that!
Thank you very much 🙂
“Then he shrugged off the notion, because Amy Gillis, the girl sitting in the desk in front of him, had dropped her pencil, and he was primed to stare at her ass as she bent over to pick it up.” Long sentence, split it up.
Instead of “It was Eric Smith. Football hero and general asshole.” I would say: “It was Eric
Smith-football hero and general asshole.”
There’s no need to capatilize “girlfriend”
Not really sure what constitutes this as horror/fantasy? Though you may have that in your first chapter somewhere
LOVE the quirky wit and the inner dialogue. It’s great!
Thank you 🙂