Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Romantic Suspense
The hot, metallic taste of blood made Lynea Proffitt spit as she hurtled headlong through the Ozark Mountain Forest. This wasn’t the first time the reverend had injured her this severely, but with luck, it might be the last. As she dodged a massive shape in the night that turned out to be a boulder, her tongue automatically sought the hole where her molar had been less than twenty minutes before. The disgusting flavor of copper coated her mouth a second time, and nauseated, she spat again. But lost teeth and an upset stomach were the least of Lynea’s worries.
She must get her sister Corinne to safety.
Leafy trees rose like sentinels in the pouring rain, blocking their path. Darkness had come early due to the summer storm, and pea-sized hail littered the ground. Hand in hand, she and Cori skidded over the treacherous bits of ice, knowing they must hurry. Briars tore at their ankles and at the long dresses they were required to wear, hindering their progress. These woods were full of danger, but nothing could be as dangerous as the reverend.
Lightning split the sky overhead, illuminating a trail at the foot of a hill. The bottom of Lynea’s skirt snagged on a broken limb, and her hand slipped free of her sister’s. She tumbled head over heel down the muddy incline, smothering a yelp as she landed hard against the upturned roots of a tree. Lynea looked around to gain her bearings and almost screamed.
This is great! You have a great knack for describing the scene without being overly dramatic, or overly wordy. The only thing I noticed is that it seems like you could move the stand-alone sentence up to the first paragraph. Something like, “But lost teeth and an upset stomach were the least of her worries: she had to get Corinne to safety.”
You already explain in the paragraphs below that Cori is her sister, so teasing it above would cause the reader to ask a lot of questions. “Who is Corinne?” Why are they running?” “Where can they find safety?” etc. All of those questions will keep them reading to find out the answers
Great job of setting up the reverend, too. I definitely want to know where this story is heading.
Thanks, Kelli! I appreciate your feedback and will consider your suggestions.
Ohh, sounds like a cult sort of story and I like the idea. I love that you dump us into the middle of a chase.
I didn’t get that there were two escapees until later on in your intro and had to read back to make sure I didn’t miss anything, but maybe that’s just me.
I love your descriptions and the action is something I can feel because of it. Well Done.
I wish I had a name to go with these great comments, but either way, thank you! 🙂
First, I want to say that that it is an exciting opening. Things are happening, so it grabbed my attention. Also, you did a great job creating suspense. The descriptions are great and I already fear this reverend guy. I do have one suggestion: The way the first sentence is constructed feels a bit awkward to me, especially how the taste “made” her spit. I would cut the spitting in the first line, and simply say, “Lynea Proffitt hurtled headlong through the Ozark Mountain Forest, the hot, metallic taste of blood filling her mouth.” Otherwise, great start.
Julie, I decided to go ahead and change that sentence per your suggestions. I’ve always had some reservations about using “spit” anyway, and your comments made me decide to go ahead and re-word it. Thanks so much for feedback, I truly appreciate it!
First of all, it definitely pulled me in – nice work! I’m intrigued at the fact you have a reverend as the “bad guy.” I also like your descriptions “leafy trees rose like sentinels,” “the hot, metallic taste of blood” – it’s dark, eerie, mysterious. A few suggestions to keep your pace tense and quick: cut down on the unnecessary stuff like “knowing they must hurry” – this seems obvious to me, as a reader, because you’ve already showed this, no need to tell. “These woods were full of danger, but nothing could be as dangerous as the reverend” (the woods full of danger is cliche) I’d suggest deleting that sentence – it’s a mix of cliche and repetition – you’re telling us what we can gather from your showing. Also “hindering their progress” – again, you’ve done so much EXCELLENT work showing, I don’t think this is needed. ( :
One last thing: “She must get her sister Corinne to safety.” So now we’ve been introduced to another character and it furthers the conflict – not only is she running for herself, but to save her sister. However, “must” is rarely used for past tense, and since you’re writing in past tense, given the context of this sentence, I’m not sure it’s appropriate. I’d suggest using “needed to” “had to” or something like “She was desperately trying to get her sister Corinne to safety…”
C, first thanks so much for your feedback. It never occurred to me that I was using a cliché when mentioning the woods were full of danger, but since you mentioned it, I did go back and alter that sentence. Also, while I realize “must” is rarely used, I did it here on purpose. Lynea and Corinne have grown up in a cult and their exposure to the English language is heavily Biblical and out of date. Therefore, I wanted the way she and her sister use language to be slightly off from everyone else.
Thanks again for your input! 🙂
What a captivating opening! You do a great job of disseminating just enough information to provide context for the reader without bogging us down with too much exposition early on. Your descriptions are simple but effective, and the sense of urgency conveyed very clearly.
I do think the two sentences regarding Lynea tasting blood in the first paragraph could be simplified, or just eliminate one of the references, maybe something along the lines of, “Lynea Profitt hurtled headlong through the Ozark Mountain Forest, nauseated by the hot, metallic taste of blood. This wasn’t the first time the reverend had injured her this severely, but with luck, it might be the last. As she dodged a massive shape in the night that turned out to be a boulder, her tongue automatically sought the hole where her molar had been less than twenty minutes before. But lost teeth and an upset stomach were the least of Lynea’s worries…”
The sentence about the boulder is also constructed a little bit awkwardly. I would just go with, “As she dodged a massive boulder…” I agree with another comment, as well, that I didn’t realize she was with someone else right away. I’m not sure whether it’s important to get Corinne’s presence front and center or not, but it might be something to think about. In general, though, this is a very strong opening that fits well in the romantic suspense genre. I would definitely read more. Well done!
Love a good mystery!!! It is exciting and agree with above critiquer Jen Blood. Few small areas of confusion for me. I am not trying to be unsophisticated so please excuse me if the answer is obvious. Why is there copper taste in mouth? At first I thought she had been shot in the mouth and then reread it and realized not. I am confused by the reference to them having to wear long dresses. Makes me feel like I’ve been thrown a red herring. If historically, they are in that time frame, then its not necessary to say it. If for some other reason then I am busy thinking about why that is and am distracted by that. You mention your sister’s name is Corrine, yet in few sentences later you say “Cori”. I think it would be more effective if you used “Cori” when you are speaking. It confuses me when they are both your thoughts and wonder why you switch from one to the other. I am intrigued by the fast pace of your opening and am anxious to find out what happens to Lynea and who this Reverend is.
Maddy, I’m so sorry but something weird keeps happening when I try to reply to you. First, thanks for your input, I really appreciate it. The copper taste in her mouth is from the blood. Blood tastes metallic or coppery, so that’s why I used that particular description. The reason I used Cori instead of Corinne is because this is in Lynea’s POV and she always thinks of her sister by her nickname Cori. I put Corinne in the first time because that’s her actual name.
I’m glad you liked the pacing and want to read more! Thanks again! 🙂
Jen, thanks so much for your feedback! Because more than one of you mentioned the blood in the mouth reference, I did go ahead and change that. I also agree with you on the boulder sentence and altered that one as well. Thanks again for all your positive and encouraging notes! 🙂
Jen, thanks so much for your feedback! Because more than one of you mentioned the blood in the mouth reference, I did go ahead and change that. I also agree with you on the boulder sentence and altered that one as well. Thanks again for all your encouraging notes! 🙂
Really drew me into the story! Great beginning; makes me think there’ll be lots of action going forward.
Having a “reverend” involved adds to the intrigue, but also fits with a lot of what we read/hear in the news these days.
Your descriptions of the conditions helped paint the scene well.
I LIKE IT!
Jim, thank you! As a romance writer, it’s so great to have a guy say he likes my work. 🙂 Thanks again for your kind feedback!
This is really great! It’s action packed, great explanation of what’s going on! Can’t wait to see who the reverend is and what his role is in this. Great job!
Thanks, Brooke! 🙂
Exciting opening. This reverend guy has me intrigued. And who are these sisters? I love your descriptions. Seems very solid. I would love to give you some constructive feedback but to me, you nailed it.
Thanks so much, Sue! Glad you liked it!
Jeanne. Great opening, descriptive and well written. You drew me in and held my interest. Good job. A few suggestions for your consideration:…. massive shape in the night that turned out to be a boulder. why not say…..a massive boulder……a second time, and nauseated, she spat again. Why not say…..and for a second time, she vomited…..knowing they must hurry. you might tell the reader, the reverend is closing in. Or you could use dialogue. Hurry, Corrinne….they were required to wear, I suggest you leave this out. By telling us a reverend is responsible for the beating, the reader can figure out why they are wearing long dresses. hindering their progress. I don’t think this explanation is required since you mention they are running through woods and rain. Good luck with your story.
Thanks, Sharon, for all your input. I’m so glad you enjoyed it and appreciate all your suggestions!
(((Exciting, engaging opening, but at times I was stumbling worse than Lynea. Here are the reasons. They’re all easy fixes I think.)))
The hot, metallic taste of blood made Lynea Proffitt spit as she hurtled headlong through the Ozark Mountain Forest.
(((Blood can taste metallic, but it can’t taste hot. It can only feel hot. Is hot at all, in which case how did it get there? Or is it just regular body temperature blood? It’s usually things that hurtle. People hurtle when they are inside hurtling things.)))
This wasn’t the first time the reverend(((capital R))) had injured her this severely, but with luck, it might be the last. As she dodged a massive shape in the night that turned out to be a boulder, her tongue automatically sought the hole where her molar had been less than twenty minutes before. (((“Automatically” makes this read as if they are connected: she dodged a rock so her tongue sought the hole. If they are connected, why?))) The disgusting flavor of copper coated her mouth a second time (((and))), (((and…cut this one))) nauseated, she spat again. (((Copper? I thought she was tasting blood. It’s the iron in blood that makes it taste metallic. There is only trace copper in blood. Copper or iron, how has it coated her mouth? A few steps ago she spat it out. Did more blood spurt out when she stuck her tongue in the tooth hole? That tooth was lost about twenty minutes ago so it should have started healing by now.))) But lost teeth(((you only mentioned one tooth hole))) and an upset stomach(((where has this come from?))) were the least of Lynea’s worries.
She must get her sister Corinne to safety.
(((Paragraph one reads as if she is running alone. Therefore I assumed “She must get her sister Corrine to safety” was speaking of a future event. Also, this is a tense change from past to present. “She had to get…” is correct.
Leafy trees rose like sentinels in the pouring rain, blocking their path. (((If the trees block their path, they come to a standstill. If the trees obstruct their path, they can still run around them.))) Darkness had come early due to the summer storm(((early darkness is beyond the power of any storm. Storms cannot blot out the sun.))), and pea-sized hail littered the ground. Hand in hand, she(((Lynea))) and Cori(((suddenly you’re using a nickname))) skidded over the treacherous bits of ice,(((Who calls hailstones bits of ice? Why are pea-sized hailstones treacherous? It would take the mother of all hailstorms to drop enough hailstones to cover the ground and make them treacherous. And besides, it’s pouring rain, and rain melts hailstones on the ground))) knowing they must hurry. Briars tore at their ankles and (((at…not needed)))) the long dresses they were required to wear, hindering their progress. These woods were full of danger(((are these woods really full of danger? There does seem to be a summer storm going on but it’s not dark yet and there are just some hailstones on the ground which the rain, pouring down, is happily melting))), but nothing could be as dangerous as the (((R)))reverend.
Lightning split the sky overhead, illuminating a trail at the foot of a hill. The bottom of Lynea’s skirt snagged on a broken limb, (((broken limb of what? a tree? her body? another person’s?)))and her hand slipped free of her sister’s. She tumbled head over heel down the muddy incline,(((a muddy incline. This is the first time you mention it))) smothering a yelp as she landed hard against the upturned roots of a tree. Lynea looked around to gain her bearings and almost screamed. (((Why? She has just smothered a yelp. Has something else made her almost scream?)))
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre : MG Fantasy
I was careful not to cut myself as I pulled the glass from the damaged photo frame. Taken the day she had disappeared, the same day I was born, this was the only photo I had of me with my mum. Dad is always telling me that I look just like her, but I can’t see it, she is much prettier than I am. I traced my fingers around her face, just as I did every night. Her face was partly cut off by the edge of the photo. Dad was a shonky photographer, so I had never had any reason to question why this photo was a little off centre. The surface of the photo felt strange, lumpy, not at all like the smooth glass of the photo frame. I peered closer and hooked a fingernail underneath to prise the photo gently out. It had once been part of much larger photo, my hands shook as I carefully unfolded it.
Mum was holding, not just me as newborn, but another baby as well. An identical baby. Growing up motherless I had always assumed that the missing ache in my heart was because my mother abandoned me, but now I questioned everything. Did I have a twin? Why had Mum taken her and not me? Tears welled in my eyes. I looked at Winston Churchill Jr purring on my bed. A moment ago when he’d pounced down onto my dresser he’d shattered the photo frame, and my world. I didn’t have the heart to tell him off now.
Very strong beginning. I like the word shonky – it lightens the scene. The story is intriguing and I want to read more. One point confused me, in the beginning you said Mum disappeared which sounds more sinister. Later in the story you say she abandoned her? I’m confused as to Mum’s motivation. Was she running or was she taken?
That was my comment – not sure what happened.
The mystery is very intriguing. I feel like I’d like to know a little more about this character before she discovers this news, so it would have more impact. But, admittedly, I know little about MG novels and how the pacing is different in them than in adult novels. I did have to read the second sentence twice to get what it was saying. Maybe it could be divided into two sentences for more clarity? Good start, and I love the name of the cat.
Thankyou yes, I will cut the send sentence in two and reverse the order to read instead ” This was the only photo I had of me with my mum. It was taken the day she had disappeared, the same day I was born”
I agree that more information about the character would be helpful. This doesn’t have to be anything major, perhaps just a bit of emotional context to the scene. Did she break the photo out of anger or by accident? Is she sad or frustrated with herself? Could you squeeze anything about her personality in here?
The premise is really interesting and hooked me. I do think it could be a bit more concise. If the photo fell out of the frame, for example, you could cut out the description of it feeling lumpy and her pulling it out of the frame.
I would cut back on emotional telling because it feels a bit too self-aware. For example, “The missing ache in my heart.” < This could easily come across as melodramatic. It also doesn't connect with the reader's emotions.
And lastly, I would rather she be intrigued or angry rather than crying. Crying this early in a book is difficult to relate to. It is also associated with a release of tension rather than a build up of tension, and a build up is what you want in an opening.
Overall, the premise has a lot of promise and is very intriguing! I hope this helps.
You have a great start. I love the word shonky, it’s funky and unpredictable, which I like.
I was confused on one point. You mentioned that Mum disappeared and then later you say she abandoned her. I’m confused about Mum’s motivation. Did she leave or was she taken? Am I supposed to be confused about what the MC thinks about that?
I really like your start!
Thankyou everybody. Originally it did start with the Winston Churchill Jr and the family dog having a ‘fight’ and they knocked the photo off smashing the glass, leading to the discovery that the photo was not what it seemed. It could be that I do need to go back and start at the action.
By disappeared, I mean that Mum disappeared without a trace, and my main character has some abandonment issues – which are naturally going to more present now that she knows / assumes that her twin went with mum.
I really like this piece. I found it extremely easy to read and follow. I did not find the confusion of your mother’s dissapearance and later saying she abondon you. To me its a perfectly credible that you would think this way in reflection. The only thing I would change is a bit more lead up into the surprise when you discover the other baby. It seems a bit too matter of factly with little emotion or surprize when you discover the other part to the photo. Something like ” there was my mother holding what appeared to be me….but wait…who was that other baby? It looked just like me… what on earth… my heart started to race….could this be an identical baby…etc
one other small point, I would change the work mom to mother simply because for me “mom” implies a relationship with someone you are familiar with and the work mother is more formal a name which is really what this woman means to you at this point. Good Luck,
Intriguing premise, and I like your details in this: “Dad was a shonky photographer…” Winston Churchill Jr. The broken photo. I was able to picture the whole scene as it played out, which says good things about your descriptive abilities, and I think it’s a good way to start a novel.
For me, I think the major issue with this is just the pacing. I love the fact that you’ve dropped the reader into the action, the precise moment the catalyst for the story comes into play, but I wonder what would happen if you just take us back, even a few minutes. If we’re able to come into this at the moment when Winston Churchill breaks the photo, you may be able to build things up a little bit more. As it stands now, the narrator’s discovery of this other piece of the photograph and the revelation of an unknown sibling comes so suddenly that it almost loses its impact. Getting right to the action is important in middle grade fiction, but creating a strong character is also crucial for that age group. If you bring the reader in when the narrator is in her room, maybe already thinking about the photograph… She could be on the bed with the photograph in her hand, already thinking about her father’s shonky photography, when Churchill comes flying in and knocks the picture from her hands. From there, the revelation of this added piece of the picture would be that much more compelling. Just an idea.
As I said, though, this is a great premise for a book, particularly for MG fantasy, and I think you have the makings for a strong, captivating story. Good luck!
WOW! This is strong and great and I feel so bad for her! Ugh!
My only question is how long has she had this photo for? Wouldn’t she have known she had a twin a lot earlier and that was part of why she was sad? Unless she just got this photo recently/
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Erotic Thriller
Midnight and a shift change was in progress for the security guards at the Idealic Software campus. A rain storm had just passed and a crescent moon lit peeked between clouds in the night sky. From a vantage in a greenbelt next to the campus the Barefoot Burglar studied a layout of the campus on her small palm computer. The building she wanted to breach was in front of her.
A few moments passed as the second shift security guards left the building. This was the perfect time for her to make a move. Shift changes created a lull in operations. The shift leaving could not wait to go home and the shift arriving had yet to get settled.
As she adjusted a small black backpack in place, warm breeze blew the skirt of her black mesh mini dress while her black laced gloved finger touched the frame of a pair of sunglasses she wore. The glasses were large and black. They covered her face like a mask. The glasses were equipped with a small micro-chip which allowed the lenses to change vision modes from normal vision, night vision, thermal vision, and electronically enhanced vision. She put the glasses in night vision mode and then she tip toed on her bare feet along the greenbelt toward the backside of the building.
The ground felt cool under her smooth yet tough bare soles. Being barefoot was why she called herself the Barefoot Burglar. It also afforded her stealth and silence.
IF this character is your protag, I might like to get a sense of WHY she is about to break in somewhere. Otherwise, I’m not rooting for her–she’s a criminal in my eyes.
I like the beginning (action) but then you sort of devolve into descriptive telling. Would SHE really think about her glasses, and describe them to herself, or would she just slip them on? And see whatever there was to see? I think if you get more into her head, and more in the moment, it might be more compelling. If she thinks about something, perhaps it should be why is she doing this at all? Or, wishing she didn’t have to, or something.
The other thought is that this is a prologue, and she is not your main character. Is that it?
Glows (good stuff): Intriguing premise! Having your protagonist be a burglar is unique and interesting and should provide some great fodder for storytelling. I liked the sensory image of the ground feeling cool beneath her bare feet, as well.
Grows (may need improvement): There are a few places where words may have been misplaced or don’t make sense. I’m not sure what a “greenbelt” is, for example.
…the crescent moon lit peeked… – I believe you could cut “lit”
…Shift changes created a lull in operations… – You’ve already mentioned this, so this line is unnecessary
…As she adjusted a small black backpack in place, (add “a”) warm breeze…
…She put the glasses in night vision (“mode” is unnecessary) and then she (could cut “then she” too)
Overall, though, a strong start!
The only thing I would change is repeated words. For me it didnt feel right. “Shift” used 4 times in a row felt awkward.. same thing with “vision” used 5 times in short period felt awkward. very easy to follow. I know what a greenbelt is but I agree that it may not have been the best word to use. Maybe describing the greenbelt instead. Good Stuff. 🙂
“and a crescent moon lit peeked” is confusing. Maybe just a crescent moon peeked?
I dunno about the mini skirt with all the sneaking and such? If she can pull it off that’s awesome. Just think she would have a hard time fighting if she’s caught or not getting her legs hurt on something.
What’s she going after? Has she been watching this plansce for a while? Is that how she knows when shift change is? Or does she work there!?
Love it though! Great descriptions! Easy flow of writting!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
I was always taught life was about choices; some would be heroic and honorable, but in your weakest hour––only then would the darkest evil choose for you. I feared weakness for that very reason, but sometimes it was out of my control.
My parents rarely let me go into Boston without them. They always kept me close and were way too overprotective. By some miracle my best friend Jax had convinced my parents to allow me out on my birthday. His argument being that it was the big one––my eighteenth––but mostly it was because Jax always found a way to get what he wanted.
We pulled up to the club just after ten. It gave off a desolate, abandoned vibe.
“What’s the name of the club again?” I asked as we climbed out of Jax’s new Range Rover.
“It’s called Hades,” Jax said, wide-eyed with excitement.
I stood completely still unable to move my legs another step forward, they grew numb and heavy––injected with fear. Internally an alarm blared as the word ‘Hades’ rolled off Jax’s tongue. I was conditioned as a child to never discuss my nightmares––or I liked to think of them as a glimpse of the future. But my mom warned me it was the work of evil and I should never speak of it…ever. Now how was I supposed to get out of this without sounding insane?
“Lucas, come on let’s go,” Jax said.
The opening lines are great! Sounds ominous and sets the tone. This sounds like a story I would want to read. Can I make some suggestions for a few sentences in the last paragraph?
The first sentence is a little clunky and could be divided into two sentences.
The second line seems like it would flow better as, “An internal alarm blared…”
Instead of “–or I liked to think of them…” say, “–or as I like to think of them…”
Great start. Hope this was helpful.
Thanks Julie, I appreciate any feedback and will mess with those sentences.
I like it overall, but I could make a few suggestions.
I think the first sentence could use some restructuring. Generally I’m a big fan of dashes and disjointed sentences, but it doesn’t feel quite right to start off a book. It may have to do with the content of the sentence itself: With a sentence that starts “I was always taught,” the reader is expecting this nice, meditated piece of wisdom. If the narrator was always taught it, they’d be able to phrase it in a thoughtful way. Dashes signal the exact opposite… that you changed the thought mid-stream. So there’s a disconnect between the content of the sentence and the mechanics of it.
Next I thought some of the wordings could be improved…
1.
“gave off a desolate, abandoned vibe” -> the words “give off ~ vibe” feel cliche to me. And do you need both “desolate” and “abandoned”? To me they’re so similar as to be almost the same.
2.
“I stood completely still unable to move my legs another step forward, they grew numb and heavy––injected with fear.”
When we read, we interpret things in chronological order. Unless you say otherwise, the first thing you say happened first, then the second, etc. But here it’s exactly backwards. The sentence wants to be really strong, but it’s just composed in reverse, making it not so great. Consider this revision: “His answer injected my legs with fear. They grew numb and heavy. I couldn’t take another step forward; I stood completely still.”
3.
In the same vein, the next sentence rolls back to the moment WHILE Jax is saying the word Hades… so it seems like another ordering problem. I’d stick this thought in the previous paragraph so we get it along with his words.
I’m excited to see where this is going, though! I love the ominous setup.
Thanks Tim, I have a bad habit of jumbling the order in my sentence structure. I also have a dash addiction, I am trying to cut back. I will revise:)
Oh, fun! I really want to read the rest of this! Sounds just up my alley! I love the first sentece for sure.
I think some of the information could be done through dialogue with Jax, instead of the MC telling us all this.
‘We pulled up to the club just after ten. It gave off a desolate, abandoned vibe.’ is short and choppy. Rewording it would be nice.
Can the MC see the club from the car? If so, a description of it would be nice.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
I think I’ve managed to fix the ‘thinking the MC is male’ problem. It adds to the length of the first page though, so you won’t learn any thing new about the plot in the first 250 words. Sigh.
Chapter One
It starts outside a train station.
Which sounds normal. After all, stations are boring, right? The sound of steps, the people and tourists waiting for the next train, and that random cello player outside the entrance .
Yep, pretty normal.
Now, if you were me you’d notice other things. Weird things. Like the fact that cello guy has a long plumed tail and cat ears, for instance. I toss some change into his cello case on my way past. Cello guy manages to give me a small wave while still playing. “Thanks missy.”
“You’re welcome. Nice ears by the way.” Said ears flick back in surprise, but I leave before he can say anything. I glance back when I’m half way across the parking lot. Cello guy’s still staring at me, so I smile at him and flutter my fingers in a wave. He actually blushes, which is hilarious. I’m still smiling when I reach the other end of the parking lot and spot the person I’m looking for.
Grum’s in his usual spot. Glamour in place, he’s waiting for the next wave of tourists to come by, throwing their garbage into what they think is a trash can. More accurately a trash goblin, Grum looks a lot like a cross between Yoda and a London gargoyle. Only he’s dark brown, not green. I lean against the wall beside him, pulling my own glamour in place. ” How’s it going?”
Hey Heather, what is the target age group for this? The voice sounds like it could be MG or YA.
I had a little bit of difficulty following this. At first I thought she meant she noticed things other people didn’t in a Sherlock Holmes kind of way. Then I wasn’t sure if she saw the cello guy’s ears because they stuck out a little bit or because she is psychic in some way or because she’s some kind of magical being. I would prefer more clarity on this early on.
I totally understand the desire to have a cool MC, but she seemed a little too arrogant and full of herself to me, which put me off a bit. My guess is this arrogance is why people assume she’s male.
I think the idea has promise and could be something I would read. I hope this helps!
It’s YA urban fantasy. I forgot to put that in, sorry.
For the ear thing, I explain why she can see them about 20 words after I had to cut it off, but maybe I should explain it more? I have Grum say he can’t see them at all.
I never meant her to sound arrogant. I was aiming more for impulsive, actually. Possibly rash, but not arrogant. I do have her say she’s embarrassed about scaring ‘cello guy’. Again though, that’s a little too late. Sigh.
I’m glad I’m only three chapters in. If I had to edit a whole novel I’d go insane.
Love the first couple of lines. Fun way to open the story.
Not sure about “people and tourists.” Aren’t tourists people also? I get that you’re saying non-tourist people and tourists, but I think you need a different way of saying it.
Re Ellen’s comments, I think you can make the MC seem less arrogant if you got rid of the word “random” and had her name “Cello guy” something less judgmental. Also the “which is hilarious” line. I guess it’s a tricky balance… some of those phrases give the narration a lot of color and fun, but might be going overboard.
I’d also like to get some hints as to how the MC notices things others wouldn’t.
I’m wondering why she comments on the ears to his face. Is she trying to oust him? Embarrass him? Just show off how observant she is? (If it’s the last one, then that also contributes to her arrogance.) And “missy” seems like a weird thing for him to say.
I’d also like a tiny description of what a Glamour is. I get that you want to immerse the reader in the world right away and the idea of Glamour will probably get a fuller explanation later on, but for now I’d still like something to latch onto. Is it an invisibility cloak? Some kind of spell that makes these magical people seem normal? Just give us a tidbit!
I love the details and some of your word choices! “trash goblin” is my favorite.
“throwing their garbage into what they think is a trash can” — The sentence structure is unclear. Is Grum throwing the garbage or are the tourists doing it? And I assume the garbage detail becomes important. I’m thinking Grum must eat garbage or dig in the garbage for valuables or something? If not, maybe skip the “throwing garbage” part altogether.
I originally had just the word ‘people’, but then thought maybe the scene needed more description.
I never thought the term ‘ cello guy’ was judgmental, I have my MC call various other characters by similar nicknames. She only uses them because she doesn’t know their names and needs something to call them. She never calls them those names out loud.
I personally, have been called things such as ‘miss’ and, at one point, ‘m-am’, so I didn’t think it was weird. But maybe that’s just me.
And yes, Grum eats garbage. Once again, that comes about a paragraph after I had to cut it off. Originally, I had him munching a coffee cup when my Main walks up to him. Perhaps I should put that back in?
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: New Adult Romance
They were evenly matched. Hal’s six foot frame might top Leoni’s by a couple of inches, his muscles knotted with raw power, and his reach longer, but where she lacked his bulk and raw power, she made up for in agility and speed. They circled each other warily, waiting for openings. They each got a few jabs in. Her quick reflex and instinctive dodging saved her from being leveled onto the mat. His punches never fully connected, but wherever he clipped her, she knew there would be a painful bruise later. She danced around the mat, managing to get in a few jabs of her own.
“Come on, Becker!” One guy called from the small crowd that gathered around them to watch the fight. “You can do it.”
She could do it, maybe, maybe not. Hal was the one person at the Academy she hadn’t beaten in a fight. Out of twelve thousand junior cadets, no one had yet beaten him in close quarter combat. But each time they sparred, she was getting closer to beating him. This could be the day.
“Is that all you’ve got, Becker?” Hal taunted softly, dodging punch after punch.
She steadily advanced towards him.
Glows (good stuff): Beautiful job describing the action and tension in the scene. You ground us right away in the where and the why. You show rather than tell which is very effective here. There’s also a nice mixture of narrative and dialogue.
Grows (may need improvement): Not much, I gotta say. 🙂 The only thing I can think of is why are they sparring? Since they’re cadets, is boxing/sparring required? Is that why? If it is, that’s an intriguing premise for a romance.
Lovely job!
Really like this and put a smile on my face imagining what was going to happen next. Great start of romance…
“Hal’s six foot frame might top Leoni’s by a couple of inches, his muscles knotted with raw power, and his reach longer, but where she lacked his bulk and raw power, she made up for in agility and speed.” is a VERY long sentnece. consider rewording, I got lost.
I also think you could include more fighting instead of the sentences explaining what the fighting is (They each got a few jabs in. Her quick reflex and instinctive dodging saved her from being leveled onto the mat. His punches never fully connected, but wherever he clipped her, she knew there would be a painful bruise later. She danced around the mat, managing to get in a few jabs of her own.)
This has the potential to be awesome! Just needs a few tweeks! I like it 🙂
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Literary, Contemporary Southern, Family Saga
When the pickup bounced from the blacktop highway running straight from town and onto the gravel lane that plunged into the woods, the small child grabbed the thigh of the man seated beside her. She was five. He was fifty. A sun-baked man. Ropy. Bone thin. With whiskers crawling up his cheeks to his yellowing eyes. The man considered the tiny hand, then gave the small child a wink and glanced over toward his woman wedged cross-legged between a farmhand intent on news of the war broadcasting from the transistor pressed to his ear and the tailgate set about rattling like it was aiming on coming off. A big woman, trying as best she could to hunker down against the draft, her head bobbing, fat jiggling, stubby fingers snatching at the flapping edges of her skirt that kept exposing more than just pink fleshy thighs. She blinked long enough to see the tiny hand move from the man’s thigh to the flared rim of the truck’s side panel, and then the big woman’s lids clamped shut and her head pitched forward and bounced tight against her pillowy chest.
“You dropped this,” said an older girl, a preteen, seated on the spare tire across from the small child; the granddaughter of the old man steering the truck madly for the trees. In her hand was the book of paper dolls that the small child had received from the old driver earlier in the morning, and the small child took
Is it okay to repost this? It appears it got wedge between replies to another person’s post.
Yes, repost and then I will delete the old one.
Thanks Ellen. I do have two replies. Not sure if they can be moved to my new posting. Don’t want to lose them, so maybe it is best to just keep this one.
I like your description, but I’d like to be in SOMEONE’S head. Who is the protag here? Maybe describe the scene from his/her POV, instead of from yours. To me, this narrative distance doesn’t allow me to really connect. I’m best with a character, not described from the outside in but the inside out.
It’s also better (for me) to have names (though you do have a lot of characters here, and maybe in your opening page you could cut down who is actually active.) example: I don’t so much want you to TELL me you have a preteen in the back seat–I want to see a specific girl talking in a preteen voice.
Thanks Amy. I had purposely used a distant point of view here. I have three POV characters in my novel, with one being the 5 year old child. My intent here was to introduce a group of people as a way to characterize setting and the place they are going to, which will be central in the story. I was only loosely filtering this description through the small child and avoided going in close to the child’s POV because I want just her observations to tell this part of the story. The other characters are written with a much closer point of view. But, if this is not drawing the reader in, then I need to rethink my opening. Thanks for giving me something to think about.
I am wondering if this piece is supposed to come across very sexually suggestive? For me it is and I am wondering if that was your intent. Perhaps leading into an incestous relationship of some sort. If this is the case you have done an excellent job. The use of the word “thigh” very effective, with the reference to the age gap, followed by exposing of the fleshy thighs to “:pillowy chest” all very subtley placed yet leaves me with a very distinct feeling of something being not right with this family. Eager to learn more and see where it is going.
I am so very glad you picked up on this!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Upmarket, Women
Eva pulled into the driveway. She was looking forward to the weekend. Work was getting more stressful with each passing week this quarter. Sales were down and costs were up. Never a good combination. She needed some down time even though, these days, down time meant grocery shopping, house cleaning, and shuttling kids to football, rugby, soccer and friends.
While sliding the files she brought home to review in her purse, she took a deep breath before getting out of the car. She tucked her purse under her arm and walked up to her front door, checking the mail box on the way. There was the usual – one of Piper’s bad advice teen girl magazines, a bill, a bank statement and… oh no… a postcard from the Cook Islands. Eva turned the card over. Hi Kids, That was all she needed to read. Her shoulders dropped. That postcard had the power to ruin the entire family’s weekend. Eva slipped the postcard into the side pocket of her purse. She would deliver it Monday evening and let the teachers endure Piper’s wrath and Ethan’s quiet on Tuesday. She closed the lid on the mailbox then carried the mail to the front door. It was Friday night. She knew what she had to do. She stepped back a step, lowered her shoulder, and leaned into the door. It budged a few inches. She pushed again. This time the door gave way. Eva was hit by a wave of soggy sock stench
I like this a lot. I want to know who the postcard is from and more of the back story on that (I assume it’s from their dad maybe, and the parents are divorced?). I think this is a successful opening (imho), because I want to keep reading. (Also I’m wanting to hear about why the door was stuck.)
Which is weird I guess, because I’ve never read women’s fiction before…
I love “one of Piper’s bad advice teen girl magazines” 🙂
I also like her reaction to reading “Hi Kids”… Rather than saying “she was pissed” or “she was disappointed” you give us her physical reaction (“Her shoulders dropped.”) and allow us to interpret her emotional state from that. Awesome imo.
Some suggestions (mostly about wording).
Down time => downtime
Mail box => mailbox
“While sliding the files she brought home to review in her purse” => This is quite a mouthful. Can we split this up somehow?
“She stepped back a step” => She took a step back
“She closed the lid on the mailbox” => Do we need this detail?
HI Tim, Glad you liked it and thanks for the suggestions. They are all great. Sylvia
“She needed some down time even though, these days, down time meant grocery shopping, house cleaning, and shuttling kids to football, rugby, soccer and friends.” needs to be split up into separate sentences to read better.
Sounds like a good start to a story, though I’d like to be pulled in with some action or something that makes me want to keep reading. Good descriptors!
Glows (good stuff): You’re obviously a very visual writer. I can see the whole scene in my head, you’ve rendered it so well. I like your use of “aiming on coming off” to show the Southern in your Contemporary Southern. Language helps to establish your voice and where this is taking place.
Grows (may need improvement): I’m going to admit right now to writing genre fiction which has a whole different set of rules compared to literary fiction. That said, I wasn’t tremendously hooked by this scene. There are a lot of characters introduced within these scant 250 words, which doesn’t allow us to get to know any one of them very well. And why is the old man “steering the truck madly for the trees”? Did you mean “through” the trees? Why would he try to aim for the trees? I’m a little confused by this.
You have a lovely way with description. With some culling of characters and clarification, I believe you have a good start.
Thanks Jeannie. I initially thought your reply was to a different post. I appreciate your comments. I do see your point in that it is hard to get hooked by any one character. My intent here was to introduce a group of characters, loosely filtered through the small child, all headed toward the place that will be central to the story (coming later in the first page). I was avoiding going in close to the child’s POV because I don’t think a 5 year old would be able to effectively tell the story (there are two other character POVs in the novel). Instead, I am using the child’s observations to tell their part of the story. But a reader does not know this, so I definitely need to work on making the opening stronger. And you’re right about it sounding like the driver wants to hit the trees. They haven’t reached the tree line yet, but driving toward it. I will rethink how to write that.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Literary, Contemporary Southern, Family Saga
When the pickup bounced from the blacktop highway running straight from town and onto the gravel lane that plunged into the woods, the small child grabbed the thigh of the man seated beside her. She was five. He was fifty. A sun-baked man. Ropy. Bone thin. With whiskers crawling up his cheeks to his yellowing eyes. The man considered the tiny hand, then gave the small child a wink and glanced over toward his woman wedged cross-legged between a farmhand intent on news of the war broadcasting from the transistor pressed to his ear and the tailgate set about rattling like it was aiming on coming off. A big woman, trying as best she could to hunker down against the draft, her head bobbing, fat jiggling, stubby fingers snatching at the flapping edges of her skirt that kept exposing more than just pink fleshy thighs. She blinked long enough to see the tiny hand move from the man’s thigh to the flared rim of the truck’s side panel, and then the big woman’s lids clamped shut and her head pitched forward and bounced tight against her pillowy chest.
“You dropped this,” said an older girl, a preteen, seated on the spare tire across from the small child; the granddaughter of the old man steering the truck madly for the trees. In her hand was the book of paper dolls that the small child had received from the old driver earlier in the morning, and the small child took