Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
“Don’t leave me, Bash!”
I opened my eyes to the sound of the airline attendant speaking over the intercom. My hands clutched at my chest, knocking my elbow into the little girl sitting in the seat next to me. She scowled and looked up from her tablet. Oh crap, did I just scream that out loud?
“What is wrong with you?”
“Just—Just a bad dream.” I told her still struggling to control my breathing. She sighed loudly and put her tablet in her lap.
“People are staring.”
That only fueled my anxiety. I leaned forward and rested my head on the seat in front of me.
Pull it together, Quinn. You can do this.
Within a minute, I had calmed myself down enough to buckle my seatbelt.
“You slept the entire trip by the way. We are almost there.”
“No shit.” I mumbled.
“Whatever.”
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have used that type of language in front of you.” My apology was only half-assed, but this girl couldn’t be any older than ten. What was she doing on a plane all by herself anyway?
“You’re weird.” She went back to playing her game so I turned my attention back to the window outside. As the plane descended down upon LAX, I wrinkled my nose at the dirty buildings and crowded spaces. This was my first trip to the west coast, but it didn’t look anything like Ginger had described it. What were the words she had used? Oh yes, Glamor and glitz.
I’m sorry. I meant to say that the genre is New Adult Romance
You are off to a good start. A few things in my opinion could make this better.
It is a risky move to start with unattributed dialogue and in this case, I was confused, for a second I thought the attendant was accidentally speaking this over the intercom.
The character of the sassy little girl was nicely portrayed. However, I feel she is more apt to use abbreviations i.e “Whats wrong with you?” instead of “What is wrong with you?”
However, at times I was not sure whether they both knew each other.
He refers to her as ‘a little girl’ but then she says ‘We are almost there’ as if the were travelling together.
Internal thoughts need to be italicized.
However, a bit of concern would be the fact that no story questions are raised. We know that Quinn is going to a new place, but apart from that there are no pressing issues.
Hope this helps!
Good luck.
Sorry about that! I couldn’t figure out how to bring my formatting over from Word. It may have made that first sentence less confusing with italics. Thanks for your feedback! I will change some wording so people know that they are strangers.
I kind of agree about the unattributed dialogue at the beginning–what if the first thought after the line is: “Crap, did I say that out loud?” I also think (but am not sure) that you might do better just to say: “I clutched at my chest” rather than “my hands clutched at my chest”. But either way, I wouldn’t mind a speck of interiority here rather than just action (even just a pounding heart). It puts in more into HER POV.
Minor nit: maybe TELL us what the flight attendant actually says. Because AFTER I read it I realized it was to buckle up, but at first I wondered.
I also wonder whether the voice of the 10 yo is young enough. She speaks like someone older, ESPECIALLY if they are not acquainted. I actually think a kid that young might be frightened by such a display, more than irritated. (Though I really like the “you’re weird” comment at the end). For example, would a little kid care if people were staring? (And a small child in a middle seat–would she even see?)
If they ARE acquainted, maybe have the kid call her by name? And have Quinn refer to the kid by name.
And where is the kid’s parent? This is pretty rude, forward talk for a child. I’d hush her if I was her mom. (And glare at Quinn at the same time :0)
One last thing–though I know rules are meant to be broken–there is the sort of “never start a story with waking up” prohibition. For me, the plane is way more interesting than a bedroom, but still, the opening line is kind of a tease in that Bash is NOT leaving her. She’s only dreaming it. It doesn’t bother me–I think it’s kinda interesting–but I don’t know whether it would be considered a no-no. Someone else could weigh in.
I do want to know why she is going to LA, and I mean that in a good way!
PS my caps don’t mean to be shouting–they are my blog form of italics!
I agree with the excellent feedback you’ve already received re: the dialogue confusion. I honestly thought the flight attendant had shouted that over the loudspeaker! Is the little girl significant? If not, I would reconsider having her take up so much of the reader’s first introduction to Quinn. I was once told not to use too many time markers – “tablet” is one of them. In ten years they’ll be called something else and this will date the book and yank people out of the writing. I’ve flown into LAX a lot, and while it definitely looks crowded from the air, I don’t think it has ever looked dirty. I just can’t see that sort of detail from the plane. I’m assuming Quinn is from somewhere isolated because all major cities look crowded from the air. I love the name Quinn. 🙂
This is very good! A great opening, and you nailed the humor!
The only thing I’d suggest is be careful with the little girl. I don’t know if she comes into play later, and if that’s so, then what you’ve got going on is just fine! But if not, it seems to focus just a little too much on that character instead of the main one, and I’d strongly suggest shifting that around a little (even if the girl will come up later) You want the reader to connect with the MC right off the bat unless the story has to do with the MC observing or strongly associating herself with the girl, and since this a New Adult Romance, I’m assuming that’s not the case.
Great dialogue, though! You’ve got a strong enough voice with your characters that you pull off that tagless flow perfectly. I’d just focus a little more on Quinn’s internal feelings and simmer down on the little girl.
Hi Briana, you have a relaxed writing style but I have a few concerns. First, starting with dialogue is dangerous. The reader has no relationship with the MC yet. It’s not clear if the little girl is looking up at her because she elbowed her or if it was because she spoke out loud.
“What is wrong with you?” sounds a bit lame for a little girl to say. Wouldn’t she say “ouch” Reading further, it sounds like she reacted because of the MC speaking out loud.
“People are staring.” Who’s speaking?Pull it together, Quinn. You can do this. I assume Quinn is thinking this. Pull it together and You can do this should be italicized.
I wrinkled my nose at the dirty buildings and crowded spaces. This sounds odd. This might sound better if she thought it. Italicized….This place sucks or she she say this out loud.
Good luck with your story.
Sharon, I have been following your posts here and they are always spot on. I agree with the dialogue concern and authentic language of the child. Also, I thought it was frowned upon to start the novel with any sort of dream scene.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Possible Prologue “Teaser”
Genre: MG Urban Fantasy
I looked with wonder at this little old lady squinting at me with the greenest eyes I’d ever seen. “Who are you, my fairy godmother, or something?”
“Your’n? No.” She sat back. “And a faerie’s about the worst choice for a godmother you could possibly pick. Don’t you ever read?”
“Of course I read! I’ve read the complete Brothers Grimm, all of Hans Christian Anderson—”
“Piffle and poppycock!”
“But—”
“Those’re mostly bedtime stories for children, girl. But who told those stories to the Grimms, eh?” She winked and cackled.
“What do you mean?”
“You’re a hard nut to crack, m’girl, and no lie.” She shook her cane at all of the carved creatures littering the walls and shelves of her booth. “Sprites and brownies and elves! Goblins! Banshees! Trolls!” She pointed at each one in turn. “They’re all real! Or were. Most have gone a’hiding.” She pointed a gnarled finger at me. “’Cept you know how to find ’em.”
I just stared at her, the hair on my neck standing up. “How?”
“Because you’re one of ’em.”
Interesting start. I think maybe you want to set the scene a little: where ARE we? Dialogue makes it move along, but I think I need stuff besides dialogue, too.
Also, I’d like a sense of the main character, maybe before the revelation. Who IS she? Some of that might be helped by scene setting–for example, is she is looking into the locker at her middle school vs wandering around the forest in the middle of the night.
It might be a case of starting TOO close to the action (though I know, it’s not really action, just info). But before “her” world changes (because she’s a fairy or whatever) I want to know what her world was before. Just a bit. I’ll care more, I think.
I enjoyed the dialog and found myself wanting to read more! I just also want to know where they are and a little more about your main character. I also what to know why the character thinks this person could be their “fairy godmother.” Not sure just “old lady with green eyes” qualifies as something magical? But maybe it does in this world.
I hope this helps!
The dialogue is a lot of fun! Sounds like the book will be a fun read. I would like to see more context of what is going on. I feel like the reader is dumped into the middle of a conversation. What’s the narrator like? Where are they? Is this present time? Did the lady pop out of no where? More details would be alot more helpful.
First, what I like about it: Love the dialogue. The woman speaks strangely, but it’s easy to follow. Sometimes dialect is distracting, but I didn’t have that problem here. I also like the way the news is delivered to her. The last line has impact. But I agree with what the other critiquers said about needing some reference to where this coversation takes place. Also, this is a big reveal, and it would mean more to us if we knew more about her and had some connection with her before this news is delivered. I saw that you labeled it “Possible Prologue” so I assume the first chapter would take us back and show what led up to this conversation. Guess this is why prologues get so much flack. Might be better to just start the story at the beginning and hint at what is to come.
I’d like to see more scene-setting. We have no information about the young girl. Where are they? She doesn’t appear to be frightened until you read the second last sentence. In my opinion, you could lay out the scene and then go directly to “You’re a hard nut to crack…because it’s at this point, the story takes off. Just a suggestion. Good luck with your story.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: MG Urban Fantasy
Have you ever seen a little girl twirling in the middle of the supermarket, a tutu over her jeans and a plastic tiara on her head? Unconcerned with the world around her and humming a song from a princess movie?
I was that little girl. And if I’d known then what I know now I’d have traded that tutu and tiara for a thick skin and some karate lessons. Because if I’d ever really looked at myself in the mirror I would have realized that I’m not that kind of princess at all. And I was going to have to become a whole lot stronger to survive being what I really was.
Before everything changed my happiest moments in life were always spent elbow-deep in modeling clay, because those were the moments I got to spend with my dad. Dad made ceramic flower pots and Mom grew plants to put in them, which we sold at our shop, Brökkenwier Boutique. Between you and me I thought a potted plant had about as much magic as a cold, half-eaten grilled cheese sandwich. But give me a lump of wet clay and I’d be sculpting a frog prince or a unicorn before you could say, “dirty fingernails.”
Dad was lucky; he got to putter all day in his workshop, his big clumsy hands spinning beautiful pottery. Meanwhile I was stuck here in the living room doing my seventh grade history homework.
It’s very good, nice intro. Pulls me right in, interested to learn more about her and what she’ll face.
I’m not sure about starting with questions–partly because I wonder whether they’re a “rule breaker” (not that you can’t, when the situation warrants it) but also because I think I would rather get into the character’s present head, right away. The questions are kinda history–backstory.
I wonder about starting with NOW…what is happening NOW? (I love the line: “Id have traded that tutu and tiara for thick skin and karate lessons,” though, think it should stay somehow)
Maybe if you want to show her happy childhood do it later, as a flashback? Start where she DISCOVERS what she is. The “action” of that discovery would interest me more than her musing about her past. And feed in bits about what mom and dad do as she interacts with them.
The voice is fun to read, but maybe a bit old for a twelve-year-old. I remember this opening from the Genre Guess, and I thought she was at least fifteen. Could be just me, though. I always think MG voices sound too old.
I love that you open with a question and speak directly to the reader. Not sure if you need “Before everything changed” to me, it is already apparent that ‘something’ has changed. I would have put the voice as an either an eighth or ninth grader but given that something significant has happened to your narrator that may be inconsequential.
The introduction pulls me in, I like it. It does look like a lot of storytelling going on in the first prat (of course I don’t know what is after this). Just make sure there isn’t too much reminising or the reader will start to get bored. What’s happening now? Why are things hard? Just some things to consider. You have some really good imagery!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Contemporary
“You’re going to regret this, Liz.” That’s what my mother says when I leave. She’s the only one I tell and not even her do I trust with the name of the town. All she gets is the state.
“Wyoming?” she says with her eyes wide. “Honey, don’t be ridiculous. What are you even going to do there?”
“Teach,” I say, dragging my suitcase out the front door of my parents’ house, “I’m going to teach, like I always wanted to.”
With that she’s quiet, her lips pressed into a thin line, rubbing her fingers against her thumbs like she always does when she doesn’t know what to say.
I take the suitcase, an extra box filled with my sparse belongings and my backpack and heave it into the trunk of my red Prius.
“Honey, won’t you at least wait till your father is home?” She clasps her hands together.
I shake my head. That’s the last thing I’m going to do.
“Well, at least call while you’re on the road!” she calls and it sounds like she’s about to cry.
“I will, mom.”
“And when you’ve arrived!”
I nod, give her a quick wave and get into the car. With my hands resting on the steering wheel, I take three deep breaths and close my eyes. No hesitating while my mother is watching from the house. I swallow and start the car. This is it.
I think this is a good beginning–off on a journey. And I like that she won’t tell dad…why not (I mean that in a good way)
the only thing that seems a tad unrealistic is a sense that her mom had NO inkling of this until she is actually walking out the door. Otherwise, the whole little dialogue “What are you going to do?”…”Teach” seems like it would have happened earlier, like maybe when she’s contemplating the leave.
It feels a bit like the author WANTS us to know, so it’s stuck in there. But I’m not sure it’s needed. Or mom can ask, sure (cause moms do stuff like that) and Liz can say: “You already know!”. I’m not sure you have to tell us yet. I’m caught up without it.
Thank you for your comment! It’s very helpful 🙂
I like the flow a lot, but the first paragraph had me confused until I read the whole page. Maybe try changing the sentence structure a little? “You’re going to regret this, Liz.” That’s what my mother says before I walk out. She’s the only one I tell, and even she only gets the state. I don’t trust anyone enough to give them the town. Or something like this??
Thank you! I think you’re right about the first paragraph. Especially the third sentence is not great…
Thanks for taking the time to suggest a different sentence structure. 🙂
So the MC suddenly announces to her Mom she’s moving from Wyoming and all her Mom says is “Well, at least call while you’re on the road!” It seems a bit strange the main character has been able to pull off a move to a new state (although I’m not sure where she’s currently living) without telling anyone and her Mom is “Okay! Bye!” I’d probably start with her already in the car driving to Wyoming and her new life. Or even use the final paragraph as the first paragraph. It would be a fabulous beginning.
Thanks for your comment! It is actually supposed to be a snap decision (which will be explained later), but perhaps it needs a little more explanation now. I’m not sure what I can make her mother do for it to seem more realistic. I mean she can’t stop her adult daughter from leaving by force. Maybe I should show a little more of their argument before she actually leaves…
I think more feeling words would be helpful in this scene. It feels like a realistic scene, and I like that she’s not telling her dad, but I feel like what she’s seeing and feeling would help move it along and give a better perspective into her world. Also, I think that the mother would know what she was doing (teaching) by now? Unless their relationship is strained and not connected. If so, that would be good to mention.
Thanks for the great comment! I like the suggestion about saying more about how she feels!
As for the teaching, I’ve already decided to cut that part, because it seems to be too weird. I’ll just explain it later or if I end up expanding their argument, put it in there somewhere with a little more explanation (as to why her mother wouldn’t know).
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
It was a new beginning, they told her.
Laney Jenkins let loose a small, humorless laugh as she looked out the window of her new bedroom. From the second floor of the sprawling old plantation home, she could see a flurry of activity taking place below. Movers were hurrying about in an effort to beat a storm that was slowly approaching from the west. Amongst them were her parents, guiding the six moving men and presumably telling them what went where. Her little brother Tyler zipped between and around both movers and parents with all the enthusiasm one might expect from a five year old. The occasional scolding from Mom and Dad did nothing to dampen his spirits.
“A new beginning,” Laney mumbled to herself. She sat down on her bed, inserted a pair of earbuds, and swiped the screen of her iPhone. A fresh start, her mother had told her. For the good of the family, her father had said. She deftly poked the iPhone a couple of times with an index finger, and Avenged Sevenfold began blaring in her ears.
She cranked up the volume. Her parents wouldn’t like that. She smiled but, like her laugh a moment ago, there was no humor in it.
Laney lay on the bed and stared up at the ceiling. It was as posh as the rest of the house, with the plaster formed into squares that sported an intricate molded image of a rose inside of concentric circles.
Sorry, genre is supernatural/horror.
Not sure if there’s a smoother way to write “small, humorless laugh”? Maybe add a little more about why they moved and why she needs a new beginning without going into any detail. Just a little tidbit to pull me in more.
Overall I like the setup of teenage angst. I think being less specific with the music could do more for the feel. Maybe instead of “Avenged Sevenfold” you can describe it as a genre of music, like hard-rock, metal, etc (whatever emotion you are going for).That way it can do double-duty to add to the emotion that you are trying to portray. Plus, it would help any readers who do not know the band and help them hear what she is listening to.
I really liked your descriptions and that we meet Laney right away. The small, humorous, laugh feels like too many descriptions. giggle? snort? 🙂 great job !
I like the beginning so far, it’s a good start. I’m hoping there is something in this first chapter that shows it’s a supernatural/horror book even though we don’t see it in the first 250 words. I would like to hear more about her actual feelings and inner dialogue. Why didn’t she want to move?
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: New Adult Romance
I pulled off one of my green high heels and rubbed my ankle. There would definitely be a blister there tomorrow. Wincing slightly, I put the shoe back on my foot and continued to walk uphill towards my destination. The chilly wind blew hard, but I couldn’t feel it because I’d already worked up a sweat. Ten more blocks, I only had ten more blocks to go. I trudged on, putting one foot in front of the other, careful not to trip on the old, cracked sidewalk. Almost there, Ginger. The thought alone kept me trudging forward. I was already late, but I had walked too far to turn back now. I was supposed to be meeting with the casting director, but my GPS had given me the wrong directions. After paying over thirty dollars to park, and asking the parking attendant if I was in the right place, I soon figured out that I wasn’t anywhere near where I needed to be. Not even close. With my purse in hand, I hurried through the dirty streets, one eye open for muggers. I didn’t have the cash to park anywhere else and I’ll be damned if I walked past that parking attendant again. It was embarrassing enough that I had to ask for directions. Damn pride. When people saw me, they automatically assumed I was a ditz. People continuously tried to take advantage of me, and most of the time they succeeded. Not today, though.
Maybe lose “slighlty” in the third sentence? Also, maybe only use trudge once? The flow is good and I can feel myself almost getting pulled into this even though it’s not a genre I would typically read.
The sentence that stood out to me most was: “With my purse in hand, I hurried through the dirty streets, one eye open for muggers.” That’s a great sentence, which made me instantly wonder if she was about to get attacked by someone. But, it’s pretty far down in the paragraph, so I’d recommend streamlining things a bit to get to that emotion more quickly. Maybe even starting off with it.
Some sentences could be condensed, or use stronger verbs to more efficiently explain the sentence meaning.
For example:
“Wincing slightly, I put the shoe back on my foot and continued to walk uphill towards my destination.”
Could be written,
“Wincing, I put my shoe back on and continued the climb toward my destination.”
>>>A slight wince would be the same as a wince, it’s already assumed that the shoe will go on her foot, and a “climb” would imply an uphill trudge.
This may just be me, but I would think that sweating would make the wind colder since you’d be wet. Maybe focus that sentence on her adrenaline pumping, heating her up.
You are using “I” quite often, so look for ways to rephrase your sentences so that it’s not such a dominant word throughout the paragraph.
For example:
“Ten more blocks, I only had ten more blocks to go. I trudged on, putting one foot in front of the other, careful not to trip on the old, cracked sidewalk. Almost there, Ginger.”
Could be written:
“There were only ten more blocks to go. And so, I trudged on, putting one foot in front of the other…”
>>>This would eliminate at least one of the “I’s,” and if you did that throughout I think it would read a lot better. Naturally, you’ll need “I’s” for a first-person narrative, but cutting them back will allow the readers to feel more connected with your character. Otherwise it can read like “me, me, me.”
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA paranormal romance – Thank you!!
The first time I saw a ghost, my sisters and I were playing house in the backyard. I was five. When the fluffy white cat walked in front of our swing set, I didn’t even know it was a ghost. I just dropped my doll and ran after it. But McKenna and Tara couldn’t see the cat. McKenna said I was making it up. I didn’t care at the time. If they couldn’t see her, that meant I got to have Kitty all to myself.
When I was eleven, my family took a ghost tour of a haunted hotel. No one believed me when I said I saw the ghost of the man who’d died there. I mean, it was a ghost tour. Duh. That time, the man smiled sadly and walked away. I’d gotten used to seeing spirits by then.
Ghosts still showed up sometimes, but they passed by without noticing me, and I ignored them right back. Except Kitty. Ten years later, she was still my friend. When I saw a spirit, I didn’t bother telling people anymore. No one believed me.
I wasn’t thinking about ghosts when my younger sister, Tara, and her friends came into the basement and decided to have a séance during their slumber party. Aside from Kitty, I’d never seen a ghost in the house. But I had been trying to do my math homework, and when Tara and company sat in a circle and lit candles, it broke my concentration.
Definitely holds my attention and I’m interested to see who she meets next. Your writing style reads smoothly.
Thank you so much! 🙂
Oooh. I remember this page from Ellen’s first page critique. I see that you have changed it a bit instead of opening directly with the séance. Your voice really comes through in this snippet and I kind of liked the image of your protagonist running after a ghost kitty. cute! You could also drop a hint about your character’s age.
However, it is still after all back story and more immediate action (Maybe she spots a ghost and this time its different?) could drop us better into the scene.
I am also curious as to why she doesnt get scared by the spirits? Are all the ghosts benign?
But, very engaging writing nonetheless. Good luck with this!
You remembered! LOL Thanks for that! This is it for backstory. The last paragraph starts the seance scene, which you read before (though it’s been changed as well). Knowing that, do you still think it’s too much? Just happens that all my backstory for the whole novel is the first 200 words ><
I really like this! Love the voice and even though it’s obivously paranormal, the way she reacts to seeing ghosts feels realistic, which is especially important in paranormal. 🙂
I know opening with backstory is not considered ideal, but personally I really don’t mind here. It’s not too much backstory, it’s engaging and sort of entertaining and reads really smoothly.
I also remember your other opening from the first page critique, and personally I like this one a lot better!
Good luck with the rest of the story, as well! 🙂
I find myself wanting to keep going, its very good and well written.
I’m not very good at critiquing. I remember this from the genre guessing game. I see you’ve change it a bit. Still could find myself reading this story.
Thanks! 🙂
Awesome, thank you!
I love this so far! Great imagery, wonderfully smooth writing, and I get a very clear picture of her ability to see ghosts! More information her her age, thoughts on being able to see ghosts, and what the time is now. Is she now in the seance? Or is this still her thinking?
Thank you! She is at the seance, which you’d see in the very next paragraph 🙂 250 words is tough! LOL Also, in less than a paragraph she mentions that she’s doing “10th grade math.” Do you feel that would convey her age soon enough and clear enough? I do come out and say she’s 15 within the 1st chapter, just so happens that the mention of 10th grade is at word, like 350 or something.
Great voice. I love your style using short sentences. It reads smoothly. You can tell the genre right away. Adding the consistency of kitty is great. For the age thing you could say, “Four years ago, when I was elven, my family…”
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: MG Fantasy
Alone sits the boy, knees to his chest, resting in the warm sand beneath him. His deep blue eyes fixate on the great surf, hypnotically gazing out into the ocean. Even with Uncle Charlie’s passing consuming his mind, the cycle of the sea still puts Shawn at ease. He loves coming down to the beach, staring into the endless abyss even if the weather is less than perfect, for this is the one place he can find comfort in the world. The one place he comes when there are no answers. Unfortunately for Shawn, there always seem to be more questions than answers, but even he didn’t anticipate Uncle Charlie being a reason to come down here.
“SHAWN JAMES! If you’re not in this house in ten seconds, so help me Lord!” The stern woman’s voice booms from afar, rattling his ears.
Shawn sits calmly on the shoreline thirty yards from the house. He places his hands behind his head and interlocks his fingers, gently falling to the ground. It’s not like him to ignore his Aunt Julie. After all, they didn’t call her the “General” for nothing. Strict, yes, but her love is truly pure with her heart of gold. Who else would take in two infants at her ripe age of sixty-six and raise them as their own? Maybe it’s all the, “It’s the Lord’s will” or the, “Your parents have a reason for doing what they did” that he simply didn’t want to hear right now
I like it so far. My favorite thing is the rich characterization we get of Aunt Julie even from such short little snippets of detail.
This may be a bit repetitive, especially for opening sentences. I felt like you kept saying things like “the boy is sitting there”… “Shawn is sitting there watching the waves”… “Shawn came down to watch the waves”… “Shawn is calmly sitting”… (Okay, I know I’m exaggerating a bit here, but this is how I felt while reading.) I’d revise, paying close attention to be sure that each sentence is really contributing new information.
Nice style…especially love “cycle of the sea”.
I notice the use of “his” and “him” quite often. Try removing it and see what it does. Check out the first sentence without them. “Alone sits the boy, knees to chest, resting in the warm sand.”
You start out talking about the boy, so we already know it’s his knees and his chest. Also, unless he’s buried in sand, it will always be benath him 😉
I like your descriptiveness, especially for a fantasy series. It seems like trying it in the past tense might read a bit better. For example: Instead of “Shawn sits calmly on the shoreline,” it would be “Shawn sat calmly on the shorline thirty yards from the house.” This would give us more distinction between the narrator telling the story, because right now it’s a little unclear as to who the narrator is.
Some other thoughts:
“Alone sits the boy, knees to his chest, resting in the warm sand beneath him. His deep blue eyes fixate on the great surf, hypnotically gazing out into the ocean.”
>>These two sentences could probably be combined into one, shortened, condensed sentence with the same meaning. It was the sentence following them that grabbed my attention (Even with Uncle Charlie’s passing…).
“He loves coming down to the beach, staring into the endless abyss (>I like this sentence.
“SHAWN JAMES! If you’re not in this house in ten seconds, so help me Lord!” The (<<Maybe "A" instead of "The") stern woman’s voice boom(ed) from afar, rattling his ears."
"Shawn s(at) calmly on the shoreline thirty yards from the house. He place(d) his hands behind his head and interlock(ed) his fingers, gently falling to the ground. (<<"Gently falling to the ground confused" me a bit. Is he leaning back? Maybe, "gently lowering himself to the ground"). It (wasn't) like him to ignore his Aunt Julie. After all, they didn’t call her the “General” for nothing. Strict, yes, but her love is truly pure with her heart of gold. Who else would take in two infants at her (<<replace "her" with "the") ripe age of sixty-six and raise them as their own? Maybe it’s all the, “It’s the Lord’s will” or the, “Your parents have a reason for doing what they did” that he simply didn’t want to hear right now. (I like this sentence, but it reads a bit awkwardly. Particularly, "it's all the, 'It's the Lord's will," Maybe find a way to rephrase the intro of the sentence, removing "it's" so that the "It's the Lord's will," can stand on it's own.)
It reads nice so far. I would like to see more of how he’s actually feeling. His age would also be helpful to know. Are his parents there as well? Or was Charlie his guardian?
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA sci fi
Earth, Winter, 2039
To Dora’s surprise, the old ones found a human and brought him home for dinner. Well, not all of him.
Old Barney descended into the buried lifeship, bringing a swirl of Earth’s unfriendly atmosphere and a dusting of snow. And a sack that sloshed, deliciously. His purple eyes gleamed.
The People sat along the table in the correct order, Dora at the very end. They clapped their spoons against the surface with metallic sparks of applause. “Pour it out!”
Dora’s mouth watered, too.
Ancient Mickey dipped his head. “This may have been unwise.”
“The People are tired of deer,” said Old Barney, ladling dinner into silver bowls.
Ancient Mickey frowned. “Have you forgotten human nature? Eat one, you excite the rest. We risk discovery.” He tilted his wrinkled head up, toward the planet’s surface, where discoverers might lurk.
Dora really hoped not.
Old Barney puffed. “These were not the connected sort of humans, I could tell. Other humans won’t care.”
Dora stared at her bowl. How did one distinguish connected humans from other kinds? This blood smelled nourishing, and sweet, and something else.
This blood smelled dangerous.
She put down her spoon. “I thought humans never came this deep into the woods.”
Old Barney cleared his throat. Improper, questioning an elder, unless it was your parent. She didn’t have any of those, so she had no one to ask except the other Youngs. And since they remained curled and ripening in the vat, they couldn’t answer.
The first time I read this through, I didn’t get what was going on. I think this is because I naturally assumed the characters were also human (with their human-like names and the term “The People”). Maybe also with the very short sentences and paragraphs bouncing around, it was a lot to keep track of… to the point that it was somewhat disengaging. (Note: This may be a personal thing, ie my own preferences)
The second time I read it, it made a lot more sense… I’m eager to see where it’s going.
One particular wording thing I found distracting was “Well, not all of him.” If they *found* a human, it sounds weird following that up with a negative sentence. The negative sentence would go better with if they *missed* the human. To me, it would sound better to make the sentence, “Well, most of him.” (Not sure if I’m explaining myself very well here.)
yes! you have a good point–I think it’s always better to write in the positive than the negative (most vs not all) I didn’t even catch it! Thanks.
I AM afraid it’s confusing–I like your thought about the choppiness.
This is really interesting. I like the description of purple eyes at the top, though I must have been reading too fast because I thought the human’s eyes were human. Then I saw that he’s in the sack. How would Dora know not all of the human was in the sack? How is there sloshing in a sack? Sloshing implies liquid…is the bag waterproof? Is it see-through? Sloshing deliciously shows the reader everyone’s hunger, but unless you state right away what they can see or smell, the deliciously part doesn’t make much sense. Since Youngs is capitalized, would you capitalize old ones? I like the fact that Dora smells dangerous blood but am curious to know what about the scent is dangerous. Great foreshadowing! I’m wondering about the Youngs growing in the vat, so I’d definitely keep reading.
heh. I figure a waterproof sack. Wasn’t sure what the word would be for a sack that IS clearly waterproof. Baggie? (joke) (eew)
I’ll see if I can clarify WHO has purple eyes. I hope the stuff about what they eat comes clear after a little bit. Maybe not :0(
Thanks for your feedback!
I’m brand new at critiquing so I can’t say much except that I really liked the line “well not all of him”. 🙂 It made me giggle a bit. This is very cool so far!
thanks! it’s OK for me when you crit just to be totally honest–like, if something confused you (or more likely, made you stop and have to reread to GET it) that’s valuable information. Or, if you got bored and didn’t really WANT to finish reading–even if you can’t exactly pinpoint why–that’s valuable too! I want to know (approximately) where that happened for you, if it did.
But I like hearing that it made you laugh! :0)
Reading through this is kind of confusing. I’m not sure what the setting is, so describing it and what the others look like would be helpful. Did they kill someone and bring the blood down or how did that work? Are they bad creatures or good? An idea of how old the girl is would also be helpful. I don’t realy get “scifi” from this. More like supernatural or horror, or that’s how it reads. I wanna be able to feel for them, feel what the character is feeling. I do like some of your descriptors and dialogue though!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Steampunk
The wind shook her wings, and behind her, the hum of a distant propeller was growing into a bone-shaking roar.
Lani swung her gaze towards the horizon. Pillars of steam rose high into the sky. She watched as towers with their smoldering tops, and buildings, big and small, reach up into the clouds, a belt of outstretched runways followed at their base before the mass of rusty, hissing pipes, coiling around spinning turbines. The Southern Airpost soared high above the sea, and spun closer by the second.
The roar grew louder behind her, and she peered back at the machine, squinting against the beams of sunlight that bounced off of its two crimson wings. The plane was gaining, quick. She couldn’t let it pass. Not with the airpost so close.
She squeezed the throttle tight, shoved it forward, and gritted her teeth against the whipping wind as the plane thundered through the sky, and grinned back at the onrushing aircraft. It was still gaining! But not for long. A chuckle crackled through her clenched teeth as she glanced down at the center-stick between her knees and yanked it to the right, but just as the plane began to turn, a harsh click and the sudden quiet whisp of dying wind snatched the smile off her lips. Lani’s heart sank as her stomach began to rise.
“Oh,” she swallowed, “Oh no.”
The quiet hiss became a howl, growing louder as the horizon tilted, filling with more sea than sky, and the plane began to spin.
Starting out with an action-packed sequence like this is great to grab attention. I think I’d like to see maybe a sentence of context to help us empathize with the character’s current mission. We know that she’s flying, but that’s about it. Is she trying to get somewhere? Is she a fighter pilot? Is she being attacked? I assume it becomes clear in the next page(s), but I’d like to see a little teaser closer to the beginning.
The second paragraph needs some grammatical attention (verb tense, run-on sentence).
One last thing I noticed was that I kept wanting to read “airpost” as “airport.” I think this is the trouble of using an invented word that looks like a real word. Consider doing Air Post instead, or Air-post. But I think the reader could quickly adapt to airpost.
Great descriptions. I think the opening line would be stronger by eliminating was and changing was growing into grew. “She watched as towers…” in par. 2 is a very long sentence. I had to reread to avoid confusion. The word that threw me was “before.” I was waiting for the sentence to conclude. Do you mean in front of? The towers reached up into the clouds. Where you say “The roar grew louder behind her,” can you substitute another word for grew to avoid repetition from line 1? Also, the “She squeezed the throttle tight…” line is long. If you read it out loud, you might see where the flow is off. It’s a lot of actions in one sentence. “A chuckle crackled through her clenched teeth…” This makes me think of a witch. What about “A chuckle slipped through clenched teeth…”? When I think of clenched teeth, I think of someone’s lips open to reveal those teeth. Is that what she’s doing? For the dialogue part, which I like because a person would talk out loud if they were in trouble, you need to punctuate with dashes because swallowed is an action instead of a “said.” You could also change it to “Oh,” she said, swallowing. “Oh no.” In the last sentence, you use “growing” again. I like the descriptions of the plan and the airpost. They give off the steampunk feel.
I liked this, though I agree with Tim that a little context would make me care more about what’s happening. I like the description in the second paragraph, but the second sentence in it really should be broken up (as the others have already commented).
I’m also not really sure how to picture these planes, but I guess it’s not really that important.
Love the last line!