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Growing up, I thought I knew everything there was to know about the world. I was a determined, strong-minded, and independent sixteen-year-old. I stayed true to my beliefs and I was confident that I could. I loved my family and I was lucky enough to have my family love me back.
I knew the difference between right and wrong. I believed in the good, not the bad and it would anger me to see people do wrong to other people, yet I’d see it all the time; on the news, at school, on the street. I didn’t understand how there could be so much bad in the world, and I didn’t want to believe it. I was blind to the cruelness of the world, because I didn’t want to see it. Like it or not, however, evil exists. There is only so long you can get away with closing your eyes, because at some point, you’ll have to open them and see the world for the sad, unfair place it is. You can’t hide from the things you don’t want to see forever. I learnt this the hard way. |
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Ellen Brock 
I very much enjoyed reading this opening and was hooked by the last sentence. I would definitely continue reading this if I had the chance. That said, I still do think there is room for improvement and to really make this opening shine. 🙂
First of all, the narrator described themselves as “determined, strong-minded and independent” when they were 16yo. If the story is going to follow that character as a 16yo, then I think it’d have a lot more impact to show those qualities to the reader through the character’s actions and choices rather than telling. Simply because after reading a couple of pages the readers are probably not going to remember that brief description, but they will definitely remember the character’s actions and how they overcame obstacles.
Second of all, I feel like the passage starting from “I stayed true to my beliefs (…)” up to “(…)and I didn’t want to believe it.” is a bit too general. It describes most people I have ever met and probably will ever meet. I think that writing a character that is relatable and resonates with people is big plus (so congrats on that), however, they should also stand on their own and feel unique.
And finally, I feel like the third paragraph is what the story is really about and it feels like a promise and I love that because I like to know what I’m getting myself into and what I can expect from a book. The third paragraph tells me that the narrator is going to learn about the real world and grow as a person; that this lesson is what the whole story is about.
Anyway, this is just my opinion and good luck with your novel! 😀
I would continue reading this. I would like to know what the narrator learnt the hard way.
I think maybe it would be better to start with the part that comes after “I learnt this the hard way.” Then the narrator can reflect back on this experience.
“I stayed true to my beliefs and I was confident that I could. I”
“that I could..” seems a sentence fragment. “That I could what?
At less than 200 words, it’s hard to critic this. With all that’s going on in the world today, a Pollyanna approach is a hard sell.
I think this would connect with a YA reader as the first two paragraphs read like teenager’s mindset. The voice is not bad, and the last sentence plays a good role in transitioning the readers into the beginning of the story.
I think this will connect with a YA reader as it sounds like the mindset of teenager. The voice is good and I’m hooked by the last sentence.
I thought your writing in this passage was good, but I worry that starting a novel with several descriptions of someone, mostly with sentences that start with the word “I” could potentially turn some readers off, especially if the reader has no reason to understand why it’s important that your main character is all of these things. I think it might help to introduce some sort of scenario or setting to give a better idea of what the character is going through. That way, the reader has a basis through which to understand how he/she came to form all these opinions about his/herself and the world. Other than that, I think this is definitely a good start for character development and I wish you luck.
If it were me, I’d start with your last two sentences instead. I think.that draws the reader in more and is more to the point.
Agreed
A bit repetitive with the I’s early on. Be careful. The reader my get bored.
I believed in the good, not the bad and it would anger me to see people do wrong to other people, yet I’d see it all the time; on the news, at school, on the street.
I found this sentence a little awkward to read.
Second paragraph has some repetition. You could tighten it up a little I think.
The writing is okay, but doesn’t pull me in.
Tough to say much more because it is very short.
This is all my opinion of course. Hope it’s a little helpful.
My problem is that it’s too general to be interesting — it feels more like the summation of a story that it’s beginning. That said, I did like the last line, the set up for further reading. Still, I want to hear details early on that express these ideas…details that make your story unique and interesting. Then let the reader draw the general inferences from it.
I agree about the length being too short. I think you might be able to help that with some more setting and character description, otherwise, for me, it almost sounds like a memoir which is not necessarily a bad thing. The premise was easy to relate to. I’m curious to see what happens next. Definitely hooked. If you’re going to keep the beginning this short and sweet, I’m rooting for very compelling events to follow that will create enormous conflict.