Welcome to the peer critiques. Below you will find a list of novel openings available for peer critique. If you submitted your opening, please critique at least five other submissions. If you didn’t submit your opening, you are still welcome to help out your fellow writers by leaving critiques.
While honesty is a good thing, let’s try to keep the critiques constructive and polite. Thanks!
The submissions are currently anonymous. Feel free to reveal yourself as the author of your opening if you wish or you can remain anonymous. It is your choice.
Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.
I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.
Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.
When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:
The pinch points are minor plot points that occur in the middle of the second and third quarters. In this video I explain how pinch points are used to increase tension and to remind the reader of what the protagonist has at stake.
Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.
I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.
Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.
When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:
Most writers are familiar with the basics of the novel’s climax – it is the final showdown, the moment the character succeeds or fails. In this video I discuss how to write a strong climax that ties together your novel and creates a satisfying ending for the reader.
Welcome to the second workshop of Novel Boot Camp! I can’t believe we’re already almost halfway done!
This workshop will focus on peer critiques, but I will jump in with my own thoughts and comments if anyone has any questions or if I feel I can offer additional assistance. I will participate as much as I can as time permits.
Each participant will be given their own page and comments section for their work. You will be able to link to this page to ask friends, family members, etc. to leave critiques, and I will post a master list of all the novel openings as a blog post next Monday (July 18th).
Because all of the peer critiques will be posted at the same time, you must have your submission to me by 8am EST Monday July 18th!
As usual, I cannot guarantee that everyone will be able to participate. I will do as much as I can, and get to as many submissions as possible. I promise!
The Golden Rule: Do not submit your novel opening if you do not intend to critique the openings of others. This is not fair to the other participants.
If you would like to see last year’s peer critiques, click here.
***Important: The novel openings will be identified by their title and genre only. If you write “untitled” in the submission form, you will have no way to know which submission is yours and other participants will be less likely to click on your opening when choosing who to critique, so please provide a title (even if it’s a fake title). Thanks!
Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.
I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.
Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.
When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:
Voice – Is the voice strong, unique, and consistent?
Clarity – Is it easy to follow what’s going on?
Connection – Is the character easy to connect with?
Conflict – Is there conflict or the promise of conflict?
“I Stopped Reading When…”
1. YA Mainstream
“Honey, I am so proud of you,” my mom coos.
I smile, though confused. I had just walked in the door. What could I have done to be receiving such adoration already?
I head for the kitchen, still grinning.
Mom is talking on the phone.
Oh.
That explains it. She isn’t talking to me. She doesn’t even know I’m home.
“You’ve worked so hard all summer, and now graduation is really within your sights,” she continues gushing.
My dad doesn’t look up from the cilantro he’s chopping, but I know he’s pissed. He hates when mom talks on the phone with her students, worried she’ll get sued someday.
Notes: In a way, I like what you’re doing with this opening, but I think in the end the narrator ends up coming across as jealous. I’m not sure if the mother is meant to look neglectful, but caring about her students seems like a positive trait so the narrator complaining about it makes him/her seem more negative. The last line seems odd to me because there’s no reason I can see that she would be sued for taking a call from a student at home.
Verdict: Not Hooked
2. Science Fiction
James Tate awoke as if disturbed from deep sleep, and slowly sat upright, unfocused. His mind felt as unclear as the heavy overcast that darkened the morning sky. For some minutes he just sat in the near darkness, staring at nothing.
Notes: This is a very expected/typical opening with the character waking up. This isn’t a strong way to start the novel because it doesn’t stand out.
Verdict: Not Hooked
3. YA Fantasy
Nobody ever checked the warehouse. For almost twenty years, it stood decrepit and worn-down, barely a shadow of the factory it used to be. The police, health inspectors, city council and even the property owner never paid a visit.
A good thing, too. Because if they did, they’d notice the suspicious trail of footsteps in the dirt outside, the colorful graffiti on the roof above, and the pumping of a loudspeaker from dawn till dusk. Because this conveniently-sized, conveniently adult-free zone on the rougher side of town was perfect. Perfect for parties, perfect for leaping across the person-sized gap between the warehouse and the garage through a maze of barbed wire. Oh, did I mention? This was the hangout of an extreme parkour club. Also where I spent my weekends and Thursday afternoons.
Notes: I really like the first line, but it sets up (in my mind) a totally different story. I expected the warehouse to be the location of a dead body or a kidnapping victim or maybe some stolen goods, so finding out it’s being used as a parkour club is a lot less exciting than what I initially imagined. Otherwise, I think the introduction to the parkour club works okay, but I would expect to move into a scene very soon.
Verdict: Not Hooked
4. YA Science Fiction
On his way to the obligatory council, Taj walks past the outside morning teaching of the young ones. They’ve all turned ten this suncycle and thus their education begins. He can remember all too well when he first got to know about the opposite humans. Without being aware of it, his gaze wanders towards the sun.
Notes: The voice doesn’t sound like YA. The phrase “outside morning teaching” reads very awkwardly. The use of “thus” seems too formal to me. I don’t know what “opposite humans” means and this strange term is skimmed past with no indication of what it refers to.
Verdict: Not Hooked
5. Mainstream
Peter Kirby stands on a ladder leant against the shed and pulls felt tacks from the pocket of his overalls. A dozen more will see it off, but the next tack doesn’t bite. “Damn!” He hits the roof with the hammer and it produces a dull thud. He descends the ladder and goes into the shed to peer up at the roof timbers. He picks up a screwdriver and pokes the soft and spongy wood.
“Peter, dinner’s ready.” His mother’s call is distant.
“Coming, mother.” He tears at the wood and it comes easily away in his hands. It’s going to be a big job. He heads back towards the bungalow.
His mother loves the garden.
Notes: The reader doesn’t get a clear sense of what the “point” is behind this scene. More personality or more motivation would help. Alternatively, you could provide a better sense of the problem. Why does it matter if this is a big job? The scene needs some sort of emotional connection with the reader.
Verdict: Not Hooked
6. MG Fantasy
I put my hand on the metal gate. It felt cold and hard under my fingers. I gripped the centre bar and cautiously nudged it a little. It was latched from the other side. I squinted my eyes in the darkness to try and see down the long alley way. There were old boxes, rubbish bins, graffiti and most importantly, right at the back, I could just make out a door. The Ally was messy and full of all sorts of rubbish. I couldn’t be sure if it was safe, but it probably was, I suppose.
Notes: The reader isn’t given sufficient reason to care about this gate or what’s behind it. The third sentence seems too descriptive and could be cut down to simply “I nudged it a little.” “Squinted my eyes” could just be “squinted.”
Verdict: Not Hooked
7. Mainstream
The windshield wipers slapped sheets of water off the windshield as fast as the downpour could replenish it. The fan on the defrost wheezed out tepid air creating an incredibly small patch of clear window Sophie could peer through. Lightening crackled across the sky illuminating the street for the briefest of moments before it was plunged back into darkness. A sign appeared on the side of the road and was gone just as quickly. The clock on the dash read eight-thirty AM.
“I hate driving in the rain. Can’t see a thing, stupid wipers and defrost don’t work properly. What was that sign we just passed?” Sophie said.
Notes: The first paragraph feels like a list of descriptions that aren’t tying together to create a clear vibe or tone. Is the rain and the time important/relevant? If they aren’t, I would focus on what is important/relevant.
Verdict: Not Hooked
8. YA Mainstream
He fiddled with the postcard sitting on the rack. It showed a picture of a smiling family as they lounged in the sand with the children holding seashells to their ear. Jude grazed the edges of it before putting it back.
He trudged back to the front of the store where his grandma was helping a customer decide between a guide book of the town or a hat covered in flowers. He scuffed.
“What do you think of the shop?” His grandpa appeared from behind him, clamping a hand on Jude’s shoulder. Jude jumped. His grandpa must have weighed over two hundred pounds, but he was like a mouse sneaking up behind him. “We spent a good heap of our money on this place. It’s your grandma’s dream.”
Jude nodded. They both watched his grandma hug the girl as if she was her daughter before sending the little girl on her way. She spotted them and grinned, hobbling over. “She’s a regular. She comes in here all the time, but she never buys anything.”
“Why not?”
His grandma said, “Her parents don’t have much, so she doesn’t have a lot to spend on frivolous things.”
Notes: This reads more like middle grade than young adult. There isn’t enough personality, motivation, or emotion from Jude to get the reader invested in him.
Verdict: Not Hooked
9. MG Fantasy
Six o’clock was the last hour of tranquility on the Isle of Spundoo! A place where fairies roam freely and where a rose has no need for thorns! In that tranquil hour something changed all that! A creature from the dark side of fairyland, a vulturous scoundrel, by the name Pilgrim Grimmer, arrived on a ship unseen in the port Spundoo. He wore a black coat weighted down with vials of dark magic potions and powders. He poured, mixed, and stirred up a perfectly wicked mix, solely to spellbound his captives! Without a thought or care, he left behind a fearful mystery and strange occurrences.
Notes: The exclamation points are very distracting and make it difficult to read the excerpt. I would cut all of them. The idea seems interesting but the writing will need to become more active/immediate very soon.
Verdict: Not Hooked
10. Mainstream
They come in one at a time, or in pairs. In close-knit families, they come in front of a wake of relatives trailing behind like streamers from a balloon. If they have jobs that pay in cash, they come in after work. They walk in, mostly, on their own. Some arrive hanging off the shoulder of a spouse or friend. The worst ones are brought in by ambulance, having been crushed in a car, tossed from a van, catapulted into trees from a motorcycle, shot into the air while crossing the street, or just shot.
The ten-year old boy who came in that Saturday morning was picked off the end of a soccer field in the middle of a game. Draped across the hooked arms of his pony-tailed mother, he was accompanied by his coach. The father, at home reading Barron’s, was on his way.
I was hoping for a quiet shift. But I knew as soon as I saw the mother with her cargo bolting up the ramp that I’d be running around for hours, or all day. She came to a dead stop in front of the Emergency Room Registration desk. The low-hum din in the Waiting Area was subdued momentarily by her molten presence; the only sound, obnoxious in its irrelevance, came from a chorus of TV’s hinged off the walls. She jabbed through the encircling blare with a single, flat note of a chord of despair: “Help.”
Notes: The descriptions seem unnecessarily complicated. The first two sentences tell the reader that “they” come one at a time, or in pairs, or in families, which ultimately tells the reader that they come solo or in groups of any size which isn’t much of an observation at all. The first paragraph seems as if it’s setting up something far more mysterious than an emergency room. Watch your sentence structure – “The father, at home reading Barron’s, was on his way” doesn’t make sense because it means the father is both at home and on his way. It should read: “The father, who had been at home reading Barron’s, was on his way.”
Verdict: Not Hooked
11. YA Mainstream
Kaya was used to being greeted by odd stares during her annual ride into town. Most of these people wanted to see an elk grilled and waiting for them on their dinner plates, not one pulling a sled of animal pelts and saddled by a girl with high hopes of making a few coin. She assumed the townsfolk would be used to seeing her ride in, she definitely was no stranger here.
Notes: I was confused initially and thought she actually was the elk and that people wanted to eat her. I would rephrase to fix this. It would probably be stronger to show the townsfolk staring at her and then focus on Kaya’s feelings and motivation.
Verdict: Not Hooked
12. YA Mainstream
Eva pressed her face against the school bus window. The building across the river reached upwards and both melded and grew sharply out of the urban prairie landscape. Wide, circular walls of glass and metal were topped with a narrow tower of exposed iron framework. It spoke of strong foundations with work left unfinished, perhaps not meant for completion. The sight of the human rights museum provided Eva with the usual thrill, not only for its beauty, but for a feeling of pride in her hometown (a feeling somewhat hard to come by in this mid-sized, mid-country prairie city)—it was a sight she never tired of. The jarring bumps of the school bus hitting a typical Winnipeg pothole brought her back to the present.
Eva pulled her mixed caramels from her packsack and feeling obliged to share, offered them to her seatmate Rachel.
“The blue wrappers are the prettiest,” Rachel said, taking one from the bag.
Notes: This seems to be middle grade, not young adult. Unless Eva’s feelings about her town are directly relevant to her motivation, goal, or the progression of the scene, I would cut it. It feels strangely irrelevant and also mature given the conversation that follows is about candy wrappers.
Verdict: Not Hooked
13. Mainstream
Amanda ran up Main Street, the frigid night air biting at her hands and face.
Where the hell is he going?!, she wondered, fretfully. She dodged her way around random groups of fellow college students, barely registering their drunken discussions, shouts, and cackles as she moved farther and farther away from the main strip of bars.
She found him just as he was about to enter the doorway of his apartment, above Sal’s Pizzeria. She shrieked as the heel of her suede boots slid on the icy pavement, her arms flailing in an attempt to maintain her balance. Despite her intoxication and the slippery conditions, she managed to reach him without falling.
“Adrian! Wait!” she pleaded as she ran up to him.
He stopped and turned, “You’re a fucking whore, Amanda!”
“Baby, what are you talking about? I don’t understand. What did I do?!”
Notes: This is a situation where hiding what’s going on is more problematic than intriguing. I would lead into this scene and start the novel a bit earlier to orient the reader. Because the reader has no connection with Amanda, their dialogue seems melodramatic.
Verdict: Not Hooked
14. Mainstream
“I’m here. The party can begin!”
Addison looked back and saw the twerp that just walked in, late she might add, to orientation. He not only had come late, but he’d made a scene doing it. Figured that cocky a-holes like that wouldn’t be content with just slipping in. They’d have to announce themselves as well.
“Can you believe him?” she asked her roommate, Shelly, next to her.
“Huh?”
“The way he just came in disrupting everything?”
“What?”
When Addison looked at her new friend, really looked, she noticed she wasn’t paying attention. Following her eyes, she saw they were locked on the guy in question. Only instead of being annoyed like Addison was, Shelly looked like she was making googly eyes at him.
Huffing out a breath, Addison turned back and tried to pay attention to the upperclassman that was talking about what life would be like at UNO.
Notes: Addison seems unnecessarily annoyed about the guy coming in late. This introduces a negative attitude without giving the reader anything else to connect with. I’m not sure if this is the best first impression of your character.
Verdict: Not Hooked
15. Mainstream
It was as if the world had run out of quirky, charming, and memorable names for grocery stores. And fate gave me this cashiering job, for the sole purpose that when people asked me what I did for a living, I could look down and say, “Well, I was working in software development for a while, but now I work at a grocery store called That Sounds Delicious!” The prospect most definitely did not sound delicious. On second thought, it was probably best that I didn’t mention my last job, because that would give the impression that I had fallen from grace, wherever that was (probably an incredible height), and I didn’t want to stoop that low.
The worst thing about it all was that I knew I was incredibly lucky to have even gotten the job. I discreetly took a job application from a rack near the front of the store, filled it out, returned it, and got a call three days later to schedule an interview. What’s three days in the life of the unemployed? Nine greasy, unhealthy meals? Three overlong sleeps? One hundred and forty-four episodes of Family Feud? Unfortunately, the call arrived three months after I moved back to my childhood home in Chandler to live with my mom.
During my That Sounds Delicious! job interview, it couldn’t have been clearer that I was over-qualified for the cashiering position for which I was being considered. And of course, this fact was brought up almost instantly by my under-qualified interviewer.
Notes: While I like the voice, I don’t find the name of the grocery store all that embarrassing so I think the opening hook needs some work. I would keep reading at least for a while because the voice is strong, however I would need this to move into a scene very quickly or else I would lose interest.
Verdict: Hooked
16. MG Mainstream
It all started with a knock at the door.
‘I’ll get it Ceridwen!’
I hate it when my mother calls me by my full name. Who would call their daughter after a Welsh enchantress? I ask you. A scholar of medieval Welsh legends, perhaps? Yep, you got it in one. That’s my mum. She refuses to call me Ceri like Granddad used to call me. When he died two years ago I told my family and friends that from then on I wanted to be called Ceri, in memory of dear gramps. She pretended not to hear. At least I think she pretended. Maybe she’s going deaf. I hadn’t thought of that.
Notes: So much focus on a unique name could make the character seem like a Mary Sue, and it probably isn’t the best place to start the story because it won’t score originality points. To make this work her name is going to need to be clearly tied into an important aspect of her characterization.
Verdict: Not Hooked
17. Romance
Was she doing the right thing? Jess shook her head, irritated that the question kept nagging at her.
She tried to focus on the cabby’s radio, anything to distract her. “As the royal tour of Australia draws to a close, everyone’s abiding memory will be of Prince George, just nine months old, but already stealing the show from his glamorous parents …” That was cruel. The words faded away as she slid the glass partition back into place.
Jess leant over the baby sleeping in its car seat and tucked the tiny hand back under the soft pink blanket as the taxi crawled through the London traffic.
“There you go, sweetheart. You don’t have a care in the world, do you?” The sweet scent of the baby powder overwhelmed her. “I know this is the right thing to do, but it doesn’t stop it hurting.” How would she cope when this little girl was nine months old and no longer a part of her life? She sniffed, determined not to give in to the emotions that threatened to spill over. “I need to think about what’s best for your future, not mine. And you belong with your daddy, not me.”
Notes: Because no connection has been established between Jess and the reader, the scene feels more melodramatic than captivating. It’s too early in the story to include a clip from the news as readers will most likely just skip past it to get to the point.
Verdict: Not Hooked
18. Literary
I’ve given up on happiness. If that’s too strong, then let’s say that we’ve separated. Is this a permanent separation? I don’t know.
The relationship had become too demanding and ill-defined. We’re still cordial, though. I’m sure that it will be more or less pleasant to encounter one another from time to time. But we’ll try to maintain a safe distance, both physically and emotionally.
Keep in mind that I hold no hard feelings toward happiness. I trust that it feels the same toward me, not that that really matters. It just doesn’t work as a union. We’re too different, at least at this stage in our existence.
The strange, and perhaps beautiful, thing about happiness is that doesn’t require some kind of ceremony or legal action to join with it. It’s as easy as declaring, ‘I’m happy.’ Never mind if it’s usually accompanied by or attached to some contrived reasons. It’s still an identity that as easy to don as slipping on a coat.
Notes: The first line can easily come across as angst ridden in a negative way. I like the dark humor in parting ways with happiness, but the discussion of the subject goes on for too long without moving on to a new point or interesting scene.
Verdict: Not Hooked
19. Mainstream
“How is the pain, on a scale of one to ten?”
Its a stupid question. First of all, everybody will have a different idea of what a ten is. And a nine, and an eight, and so on.
Second, there is no such thing as uttering the word ‘ten’ when the pain is that high. If you have the strength and the presence of mind to say anything. If you manage to utter one word through the screams and gnashing teeth, it better be a fucking “nine”. If it was a ten you wouldn’t be able to speak. The twisted grimace, the rigid body, the shaking, sweat, tears and shrieks, will say it all. “Its a goddamn ten! Stop asking stupid questions and help me.”
The shards of glass sticking out of my stomach should have been another dead giveaway . And the twisted, smouldering piles of cars around me. I writhed and groaned as my muscles contracted completely out of my control, moving the glass around and tearing at my insides.
The man in blue knelt down in front of me. “What happened?”
Another stupid question.
I tried to stay still, to stop the pain, my breath coming out in shallow gasps.
The man put a hand on my shoulder. “Don’t move around too much”
Great advice.
I couldn’t focus on his face. I could barely focus on anything. The world was a swirling haze.
A set of rapid footsteps pounded in my ear, vibrating through the pavement like a mini tremor.
Notes: I like the voice, but I’m not a big fan of the initial complaints of the pain scale. The second complaint doesn’t really make sense since ten would still be on the scale even if you couldn’t articulate it. I like the idea but not the execution. What really caught my attention was the sense that she has been in pain enough to seem like an authority on the pain scale, but after reading on I think that might be an accidental implication rather than an accurate or intentional one.
Verdict: Not Hooked
20. Fantasy
Isaac laid awake staring into the abyss of his sleeping quarters. Schuyler slept soundly beside him. She was warm compared to the concrete wall on his left. His fingers glided over the cold smooth surface searching for the roughness of the knicks he carved into the wall. Each one represented one earth day. That much closer to the day when her name would appear on the list. He didn’t know who would be sent to kill her.
The red light above his door flashed on throwing the room into a foggy red glow that alternated between darkness and red fog. The warning beacon pumped on and off like a heart beat. Not that he knew what a heartbeat felt like anymore.
Schuyler stirred beside him, the light woke her.
“We’ve got a jumper,” she said wide eyed as she rolled out of bed and jerked her chin toward the light.
Isaac cringed, he hated these ones. Unlike Schuyler who existed for the adrenaline that came with jumpers. He could see the excitement radiating from her as she grabbed her clothes off the floor.
“You coming?” She asked, her voice muffled as she pulled her shirt over her head. Schuyler was halfway to the door jumping into her pants before Isaac could answer.
“I’ll stick to the list,” he said, turning back to the wall, another day closer.
“Your loss,” she said as she opened the door and disappeared down the corridor.
Schuyler was a classic poacher. Every time the red light went off she go topside to get another soul for the reapers to collect.
Notes: I really like the concept. This is definitely an idea I would enjoy reading about. The opening doesn’t quite have the “protagonist waking up” trope, but it’s close enough that I’d consider changing it to stand out and avoid any connection with the trope. I think the premise is going to keep people reading and hopefully Isaac becomes more active and his problem is introduced rather soon.
Verdict: Hooked
What Do You Think?
More submissions will be posted tomorrow and every day this week so make sure to check back.
If you did not submit already, you can still submit here.
Want to connect with other Novel Boot Camp Participants?
The second plot point occurs right before the fourth quarter of the novel. It gives the protagonist the last piece of information necessary to enable them to move towards the climax of the novel. In this video I explain how to write the second plot point so that the entire fourth quarter of the novel leads to a strong climax.
Video Highlights
The second plot point occurs 75% to 80% into a novel.
The second plot point provides the protagonist with the last piece of key information necessary for the protagonist to move towards the climax.
No information, allies, concepts, or items vital to the climax should be introduced after the second plot point.
To move seamlessly from the second plot point to the climax, it’s helpful to use a series of obstacles or trials that force the character to use skills they learned or allies they gained earlier in the novel.
Questions to Ask About Your Novel
1. Is there a key event or a key piece of information that directs the character towards the climax?
Whatever happens at the second plot point should give the protagonist the last thing they need to succeed in the climax. After the second plot point, the protagonist needs to execute their plan, face challenges, and fight to the finish, but the protagonist should already have everything he/she is going to take into the climax.
2. Is there enough space between the second plot point and the climax?
The most common problem with the second plot point is that it happens too late. If there isn’t enough space between the second plot point and the climax, the reader is less likely to find the climax satisfying. Keep in mind that the sequence leading up to the climax and the climax itself is what the entire novel has been leading up to. You don’t want to rush this section of the novel. The second plot point indicates to the reader that everything is about to pay off.
If you have any questions about writing the second plot point, please post it in the comments below.
Comment Question: Do you find the second plot point difficult to write? Do you have trouble “filling” the fourth quarter of your novel?
Workshop #1 critiques will be posted later today and every day this week. If you didn’t get a chance to submit last week, the submission form is still open!
Want to connect with other Novel Boot Camp Participants?
Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.
I stopped reading (and ended the excerpt) at the point that I was no longer interested in continuing. I also included comments about why the story didn’t catch my interest.
Please play along by tracking which books you would want to continue reading. There will be a poll at the end of the post.
When determining whether a first page is indicative of publishable writing, these are the elements typically considered:
Voice – Is the voice strong, unique, and consistent?
Clarity – Is it easy to follow what’s going on?
Connection – Is the character easy to connect with?
Conflict – Is there conflict or the promise of conflict?
“I Stopped Reading When…”
1. YA Mainstream
Catriona and her Uncle paraded down the stairs rhythmically to the music. They paused for a few seconds when they reached the last step. Today is everything she dreamt it would be. She glanced over at her mom dabbing tears from her cheeks, pride beamed from her glossy onyx eyes.
Notes: The writing isn’t strong enough yet. Avoid expected/common phrases like “dabbing tears” and “pride beamed.” It’s not clear why they are parading down the stairs to music and this leaves the reader without anything to visualize.
Verdict: Not Hooked
2. MG Fantasy
It’s Sunday and as usual I’m taking old Mr Dodson his dinner, wrapped in one of Mum’s tea towels. ‘How’s it going, lad?’ he says from his doorstep. I ain’t in the mood for small talk but he won’t let it rest. ‘How’s school?’
‘We’re doing this project on explorers,’ I tell him.
Suddenly, he stands stock still with this dreamy look on his face and invites me in. I ain’t never been inside Mr Dodson’s house before, not in all the years I’ve been going over, never wanted to either. Mostly, I just get a quid for fetching him his Sunday roast.
Notes: I think you’re moving too quickly and this causes the opening to feel unnatural or contrived. He happens to immediately mention his project on explorers to Mr. Dodson who clearly is going to turn out to be an explorer. I would include clues that Mr. Dodson is an explorer and/or some distress or difficulty with the project on explorers. Either option would make Mr. Dodson’s involvement more plausible.
Verdict: Not Hooked
3. Thriller
Off came the blazer. Out came the pins in her hair. Nudging curls out of her way, she pulled open one, two, three buttons of her blouse. The lift crept upward, a hidden bell dinging as each floor approached from above and sank below. With a fingertip, she swept beads of sweat from her hairline, the evidence of a long day in the office, and was just putting away her lipstick when the doors opened with a polite ‘whoosh’.
Ellen stepped onto the plush hallway carpet. This place was the very opposite of her own disappointing building, which had no lift, only a concrete stairwell and sickly potted plants.
She rang Alec’s bell and leaned against the wall. Her feet were screaming in platform heels. But she refused to give in to sensible shoes like the ones Ruth wore, literally lowering herself. Unlike Ellen, Ruth was tall enough to look down on the men in the office, and could afford to lose inches from her heels. But that wasn’t why Ruth wore flat shoes; it was because she was the type of miserable person that takes no pleasure in anything, least of all her appearance.
The lift whooshed open again, and out stepped a silver-haired man. His eyes furtively locked onto Ellen as he passed her, then headed for another flat and went inside.
Alec was making her wait. She despised that. Irritation flared in her as she pushed the bell again, holding it for a little longer this time,
Notes: This kept my attention throughout. The first paragraph is my least favorite because most of the details seem unimportant or aren’t given clear relevance. The paragraph about Ruth is what really sealed the deal for me because the descriptions have a lot of voice. There’s also the clear promise of conflict.
Verdict: Hooked
4. Mainstream
I was born on the wrong side of the tracks. The few childhood memories I have, are not pleasant ones.
The therapist they forced me to talk to three times a week in Juve, said my brain blocked those memories to protect me from intense trauma.
I can’t think of anything worse than the memories I do have and being semi-locked up in a juvenile detention place from the ages of thirteen to eighteen had been a picnic compared to what I had to live through and do to survive.
Notes: I think you’re focusing too much on the premise of the story rather than on pulling the reader into a compelling scene. Childhood trauma is a pretty common basis for novels so this opening isn’t highlighting your writing in a way that stands out.
Verdict: Not Hooked
5. YA Mainstream
Uh-oh. It was back and Jacob was definitely caught off guard. Two Ikea issued sentinels dutifully kept post on each side of Jacob’s captain’s bed. Both lamps radiated megawatts of eye piercing super brightness, burning holes through their cheap, albeit trendy, white plastic shields. But they still could not shed any light on the unseen presence that kept Jacob paralyzed in the middle of his bed like a fallen statue of Christ of the Ozarks. All Jacob could do was to wait, which was by far the worst part of this sufficiently freakish ordeal. And unfortunately for poor Jacob, he was all too familiar with the drill. He would be motionless, speechless and caked in fear until this unwanted visitor was gone.
Jacob frantically scanned his room with the only moving parts attached to his body, his signature Marceau hazel green eyes, a gift from his absentee father.
Notes: The writing is frequently awkward or confusing. “Two Ikea issued sentinels” led me to think he was actually at Ikea and you were referring to security guards or staff. “Captain’s bed” makes me think he is a child, which makes this seem like middle grade rather than young adult. The descriptions are odd/awkward and it’s not clear if they are meant as tongue in cheek. For example, “like a fallen statue of Christ of the Ozarks” and “his signature Marceau hazel green eyes.”
Verdict: Not Hooked
6. Literary
She smiled at me, clearly in pain, revealing her crooked smile with a shade of wickedness, although to me, that was the image of kindness and shelter. She squinted, trying to warm her numb fingers in the folds of her coat. When she looked at my scrawny figure I could read the anguish in her faded green eyes, which caught the shades of the water and the rice plants that particular day.
I remember very clearly the afternoon when they took my mother away. I was barely seven years old and I was working with her on the rice fields
Notes: It’s not clear if the “she” in the first paragraph is someone he’s actively seeing or is part of his memory of his mother. Normally starting with a memory isn’t a good idea because the reader isn’t invested in the character yet.
Verdict: Not Hooked
7. Fantasy
Peter was walking through the long, wood panelled halls of his mansion, all alone, with a lit candle dripping hot wax on his fingers. He remembered Gwen telling him that his parents were planning to set up electricity in the house before they were taken, but the plan never came to fruition after all that happened.
The cold air of April nights greeted him on the terrace, as he gazed towards the twinkling lights of the village. He placed the extinguished candle upon the marble balustrade and began to pick at the solid wax on his hands, his gaze sliding towards the tall linden trees in front of the manor. Under the faint moonlight, he could decipher the familiar shapes on the ground, the small heap of earth under the trees where his grandmother used to sit.
Notes: There’s not enough to keep the reader interested. The focus on the candle and wax take up space without revealing anything about Peter.
Verdict: Not Hooked
8. Science Fiction
Stephen stood on the length of a rusted, green, steel I–beam. Panic pulsed up in ice cold waves from his feet to his chest, as he watched his handbook, “Tying Proper Knots”, fall two hundred feet through the open air toward the gray storm of a lake below.
The walking wire he had relied on for the first half of his crossing, was broken and dangling between the I-beam platform where he stood, and the I-beam platform in the distance, one hundred feet ahead.
Notes: I like that you’re starting at an interesting moment, but the first sentence is awkward due to the list of adjectives. Rather than “a rusted, green, steel I-beam,” I would simplify the description to something like “a rusted beam.” The description of his panic is too long and “ice cold waves” teeters on cliché to me. The voice lacks a pop of originality.
Verdict: Not Hooked
9. Thriller
“They’re rounding us up and branding us now,” Zari said to the group of women in the cell. All eyes turned to her. “It’s like we’re animals.” She rubbed her arm where the blood had been taken, the bandaid had already peeled off the micro marker that carried the Genetic ID.
“Forced to have blood taken, forced into a cell for the night, forced to be known by a Genetic ID code for the rest of our lives.”
“Is for personalized medicine,” a tiny Asian woman with badly bleached hair said.
Notes: The dialogue reads like “As you know, Bob…” dialogue, meaning that the character is saying things that the other characters in the scene already know. This reads a bit awkwardly.
Verdict: Not Hooked
10. Thriller
It began with my cell ringing. Three or four times, maybe more, before I woke and realised it wasn’t a dream. I couldn’t be sure how long I had been out. All I knew, was my head felt like Babe Ruth had hit it for a home run at the top of the ninth; and my body, well I wasn’t sure how my body felt — I wasn’t sure I had brought the right one home with me. My arms and legs felt as if they had been ripped off during the night, but a quick examination confirmed they were all present and correct, only I had the feeling they had been put back in the wrong order. Had I taken a tumble or more likely been in a fight? It wouldn’t be the first time, nor the last. But as my head began to clear, I remembered the divorce papers being served on me while I grabbed a late breakfast at my local diner.
Notes: I initially thought you meant he literally wasn’t sure he had brought the right body home, which got me thinking this was science fiction. Since this is marked as a thriller, I’m assuming this is meant to be symbolic but I think it’s leaning more towards confusing. I would avoid opening with the character waking up.
Verdict: Not Hooked
11. MG Fantasy
Dawn breaks and a hundred year old house emerges from the morning fog. Situated on the outskirts of a herb farm, the house belongs to the Violet family. Dark green ivy grows up its turret in which Marina sleeps.
Her alarm clock rings and she hears a voice from the ground floor. “Marina, Marina, get up!”
She stretches her arms lazily but hearing footsteps on the stairs to her bedroom, she jumps from the bed shouting. “Granny, I am coming.”
Notes: Opening with the character waking up is a trope. The descriptions in the first paragraph are a tad awkward, especially the last sentence. Marina’s line of dialogue is stilted. Using a contraction would help.
Verdict: Not Hooked
12. Literary
Phillipe-Pierre Fox should have become a ballet dancer. His father and his grandfather had both danced professionally in the city’s ballet, his father, as a principal dancer, and his father, as the premier danseur noble (when men’s titles were still in acceptance). Yet, the artistic director and company masters had noted an inopportune dilemma: young Phillipe-Pierre had an unusually spirited walk.
Notes: Very few readers are going to be hooked by the concept of Phillipe-Pierre not being a ballet dancer. The opening moves quickly into telling the reader about his family’s history of ballet before the reader is invested. Giving a stronger indication of why it matters that he isn’t a ballet dancer would help.
I repeat this mantra again and again in a low whisper-voice. The enormity of where I am and what I am doing here finally hit and now I’m sprawled on my knees in the back hallway of the town diner. At least the wall is cool against my cheek. It gives me something to concentrate on in order to hold back the tears. There will be none of those because I refuse to cry.
This is not me. I am not a mess. I am the opposite of a mess. Yet, here I am on a public floor, mumbling unintelligible sounds, unable to bring myself to any state that resembles my usual control.
I should have been more prepared. Fuck. I was prepared. I planned this god-damned lunch. Insisted that it happen even though Robert tried to talk me out of it. This meeting with Robert is essential to how I move past the situation I’m in. The situation he put us in.
Notes: A character refusing to cry is pretty common in novel openings, but rarely works because the reader has no investment in the character. I think this opening could work, but clearer information needs to be given rather than vague indications of what’s occurring.
Verdict: Not Hooked
14. Science Fiction
Tuesday May 26, 2060
My boots continue to give fight with every step I take. Please don’t let me get killed down here. I try to be quiet, but the smack and squish of the mud continues to give me away. I wish there were more paved paths, but I don’t think this area was ever developed before the Warm. Assholes.
I climb over a dead, fallen tree and scan the area. There are no signs of life anywhere, just miles of dead trees. Some are standing, some have fallen, but all are dead. I’ve seen pictures of what places like this use to look like. It was amazing. Green everywhere, life everywhere. There were lions…large animals that looked like giant cats…and they owned the land. Maybe not here in Tennessee, but somewhere on this Earth. Nowhere now.
Sweat and dirt gather under my finger nails as I scratch the annoying trickles under my tank top. I shouldn’t complain, 106 degrees Fahrenheit is so much better than the 110 degrees we had before the storm the other day. While the storm managed to cool us down a bit, I can’t stand the sticky heat that comes from the wet land while we heat back up. Although, again, I shouldn’t complain as we rarely do get any rain.
Notes: The premise itself isn’t strong enough to hook the reader so some sort of tension needs to be created in this scene to suck the reader into the story.
Verdict: Not Hooked
15. Mainstream
Sophie shifts boxes and suitcases in the back seat of her car to make room for her son Josh’s second guitar. She can feel a drop of sweat winding its way down her back as she places a tub filled with bedding on top of a cardboard box then wedges the guitar behind the front seats. When Sophie sits up to survey her packing skills her lungs fill with the pungent smell of teenage boy shoes. That’s an odor she doesn’t want to accompany them on their trip. She reaches for one of the plastic bags she has folded and stacked beneath the driver’s seat. Before dropping a basketball shoe in the bag she runs her thumb along its worn sole then sets that pair of shoes aside. She knows they are Josh’s favorite but they are too worn to wear. There’s no point in taking them.
Notes: What’s occurring is rather mundane so the scene needs to get to the point more quickly. There is too much emphasis on the shoes and it’s sucking up precious space on your opening page.
Verdict: Not Hooked
16. MG Fantasy
Emily’s life was ordinary and beautiful. Enemies and adventure remained safely tucked away in her imagination and stories. Sure, she played imaginary games with her six year old brother, Finley. But she was in control of those. If the wolf puffed a little too strong for the wooden teepee she built, the wolf caught a cold and her teepee stayed standing. And if the prince was not quite smart enough to rescue Finley from the wicked witch, Emily could step in and save the day with a clever escape plan.
Every day always had a happy ending.
Until this day.
On this frightful day enemies had overstepped the line. They had entered her real world. And that was absolutely not okay.
Notes: I like what you’re attempting to do with this opening but the execution isn’t working. The reader is left confused about why Emily feels the need to conquer imaginary villains since they are pretend. Remember that your target readers aren’t little kids afraid of wolves and witches, they’re “big kids” (8-12). I think a slightly different approach would help, one that focuses on how she enjoys playing pretend rather than one that focuses on her ability to control scary elements of her imagination.
Verdict: Not Hooked
17. Literary
Everything is…everything is haunted. Every room, every door, every street, every store. I once loved this city, but I– I don’t think I can stay here much longer. I know I won’t stay here forever. Of course, I would have liked to.
My name is James Thomas Spooner. JT, or just Jay for short. Although, my father – James Benjamin – calls me Bud. My brothers call me JT. My friends call me Jay. And yet, of all the names I’ve been called, my favorite was Jim. Jim. Even now I can’t help but look back at that warmest memory. No matter how it is now, it truly was good then. I suppose the past endures, but like a legend which challenges the adequacy of reality, and haunts all those for whom the sun rises.
Notes: I initially thought everything was literally haunted, but that might be because I’m always hoping to read a ghost story (my favorite). Opening with the character stating their name is considered a trope. There’s nothing about the opening that creates intrigue. The last line feels to me like it’s trying too hard.
Verdict: Not Hooked
18. Mainstream
“Will! Your friend is here!” Oscar called. He shook his head and smoothed his blue tie as he looked out the window at his son’s friend Johnny.
Johnny drove a big white pickup, with lots of chrome and dark windows. Usually those windows were rolled down, but because of the rain, they were up this morning. That didn’t stop the sound of the bass thumping from the speakers from reaching Oscar all the way in the house, quivering his insides.
Oscar didn’t approve of Johnny, and he wished Will would find a new friend. Will had always been a good boy, until he got involved with this Johnny person.
Notes: Having an issue with his son’s friend doesn’t tell the reader much about Oscar himself. This leaves the reader wanting more from Oscar. It almost seems as if this is Johnny’s story filtered through Oscar. Oscar needs more personality and a clearer goal.
Verdict: Not Hooked
19. Romance
Jenny pulled off her sweater and jeans and tossed them on the bed. It might not be as easy to shed the demands of her life in New Jersey for the next three weeks as it was to shed these winter clothes, but she sure intended to try.
No appointments to schedule, no phone calls to return. No catering to her father’s demands, or placating her mother, and no dealing with the daily concerns of living and working with her boyfriend. Just three weeks of fun in the sun in Cocoa Beach, her home away from home. A wave of joy washed over her at the thought.
She removed the lime green sundress from the garment bag and slipped it over her head, relishing the soft, cool feel of the cotton fabric against her skin.
God, how she looked forward to these trips to Florida, but they were getting harder
and harder to justify.
As Steve had taken to pointing out, on a rather frequent basis lately, most people were lucky to take a vacation once a year. For her to expect to take one two or three times a year was really pushing it. How could she explain to her boyfriend — or even worse, to her parents — that these trips weren’t mere vacations, but much needed mental health breaks without kicking off her own personal Armageddon? She could just hear the wailing and gnashing of teeth now.
Notes: I like the voice and I like the clear statement of what Jenny wants. This kept my attention throughout. I will expect conflict to enter the story right away to keep the reader interested. This isn’t a flashy opening but it demonstrates a strong ability to write in a consistent and appealing voice.
Verdict: Hooked
20. MG Thriller
All survival stories share a common theme of the human brain overriding the body’s signal to give up and surrender. But Colt, a 14 year-old boy, was either too young, too stubborn or both to know he was supposed to quit. In a period of nine seconds, Colt’s greatest run of his life spiraled downward to perhaps his last.
The 5’ 6” Colt Parker still had a massive smile plastered on his face after he just tasted some of the sweetest powder in the Tahoe Basin. He had just ripped down the backside of the mountain in waist deep powder in the dark of the night aided only by a ten-ton groomer and its lights.
Notes: I don’t think the opening line is working very well. Colt’s height is unnecessary so I would omit that until it’s relevant. It’s actually unclear what’s going on. Keep in mind your readers are 8-12. When you say “run,” they are likely to imagine literal running.
Verdict: Not Hooked
What Do You Think?
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If you did not submit already, you can still submit here.
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The midpoint is the second major plot point or turning point in a novel. It happens right in the middle of the story and helps to refresh and rejuvenate the plot. In this video I explain the purpose behind the midpoint and how it might play out within your story.
Video Highlights
The midpoint occurs at the 50% mark.
It changes the context of the story by revealing information about the antagonistic force. In other words, the reader learns something that has been affecting the novel all along without the reader’s awareness (the antagonist’s plan or identity, a major secret of the protagonist’s, etc.).
The midpoint refreshes the story by forcing the protagonist to move in a new direction or solve a new problem. Alternatively, it changes the reader’s perception of the protagonist’s actions.
The midpoint marks the protagonist’s transition from reactive to proactive. In the first half of the book the protagonist is reacting to the antagonistic force and trying to avoid harm, but after the midpoint the protagonist moves towards defeating the antagonistic force.
Questions to Ask About Your Novel
1. Is there a major or subtle reveal at the midpoint that changes the context of what came before?
This may be a reveal about the protagonist (especially in literary fiction). For example, the reader may learn for the first time that the protagonist is an unreliable narrator or that the protagonist is pursuing a goal for a previously secret reason. More likely, the reveal at the midpoint will have something to do with the antagonist’s plan or identity, such as the character realizing for the first time what the antagonist is trying to achieve. It might also be the discovery of a vital clue.
2. Does the character become more proactive after the midpoint?
After the reveal at the midpoint of the novel, the protagonist should move towards defeating the antagonistic force in a way that is more active than was previously possible. For example, a character who discovers the identity of the antagonist can now move towards defeating him/her while previously that was impossible because the protagonist didn’t know the antagonist.
If you have any questions about writing the midpoint, please post it in the comments below.
Comment Question: Do you find you omit the midpoint in your writing? Can you think of any novels or films with interesting midpoint reveals?
Workshop #1 critiques will be posted later today and every day this week. If you didn’t get a chance to submit last week, the submission form is still open!
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Welcome to the peer critiques. Below you will find a list of novel openings available for peer critique. If you submitted your opening, please critique at least five other submissions. If you didn’t submit your opening, you are still welcome to help out your fellow writers by leaving critiques.
Publishers, agents, and readers all make quick decisions about what they want to read. Below are my first impressions of twenty novel openings written by Novel Boot Camp participants.
Ellen Brock 