About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

YA Fantasy – by Karyne Norton

It always started with a spell. Something simple, like a cup of ale. But her power had its limits. Every time they asked for magic, Julana knew how it would end — with her blood.

“Be a dear and fetch us some stew,” Luna said. The blue sky teased Julana from the tiny window. So much for a free afternoon. It was too dangerous to refuse them. When she was fourteen they’d killed her pet goat because she rebelled. It would take longer than three years to get over that lesson.

“Yes, Aunt Luna,” Julana said. Luna wasn’t really her aunt, but in order to keep up the facade, the Ellexes insisted Julana practice at home. The tiny farmhouse held only two rooms and a loft, so she reached the kitchen in five steps.

“And Julana…” Alazer’s deep voice made her pause. She didn’t turn to face him; she knew what he would say. “Be sure you use magic. There’s no reason for you to make us wait all night.”

Julana’s stomach dropped. “Yes, sir.” It was a test. Why did they always test her limits? They had just as much magic as she did. That never changed. And unlike her, they enjoyed using it.

The stew was easy enough. She drew energy from her blood to summon water from the well. The sight of water soaring through the air made her grimace. If anyone happened to see, they’d all be hanged for witchcraft. Was it really worth it to the Ellexes? That same energy brought the water to a boil. The cupboards were well stocked with carrots and potatoes and Julana sighed in relief. Very little magic was needed.

“Where is the meat? We want venison stew,” Alazer said. He pushed away the bowl she served, his mouth twisted in a scowl. “Honestly, you can be so dense.”

“Sorry, Uncle Alazer,” Julana said. Tears pricked her eyes, but not over his reaction. She would have to make an unecessary kill. His beefy hand shot out to grab her wrist and the familiar sense of invasion swept over her. His tracking spell.

“Be back before the sun’s sleep.”

She pulled her cloak around her shoulders and grabbed her bow and quiver. A blast of cold air hit her face, but she found it refreshing. The sun defied the wind and enveloped her in its rays. In a few weeks it would be warm enough to leave her cloak behind.

A twinge of pain flashed across her foot. Her time was limited by his spell. The Ellexes had been her guardians for as long as she could remember. More like her prison guards. They used their magic to control her, but they used her magic to get what they really wanted: money, power, revenge. It didn’t matter they were only requesting venison stew this time. She’d seen them use her magic for unspeakable things, and she refused to be caught in their web of desire. She would never use magic by choice.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

 

YA Fantasy – by Karyne Norton

It always started with a spell. Something simple, like a cup of ale. < This reads as if you’re saying that the simple spell is a cup of ale (rather than a request for a cup of ale), which is confusing. But her power had its limits. Every time they asked for magic, Julana knew how it would end — with her blood. < If you use this hook, then everything that follows should support it, but how her blood is associated with the magic is never clearly explained and this opening seems to deviate largely into other topics.

“Be a dear and fetch us some stew,” Luna said. The blue sky teased Julana from the tiny window. So much for a free afternoon. It was too dangerous to refuse them. When she was fourteen they’d killed her pet goat because she rebelled. It would take longer than three years to get over that lesson. < This is telling something that I’d rather have shown. Show consequences through a threat or an implication of a threat or show her fear with her behavior.

“Yes, Aunt Luna,” Julana said. Luna wasn’t really her aunt, but in order to keep up the facade, the Ellexes insisted Julana practice at home. The tiny farmhouse held only two rooms and a loft, so she reached the kitchen in five steps. < The orange highlighting in this section is also telling. If it were not so close to the telling above, it wouldn’t necessarily be a problem. But combined it feels like too much.

“And Julana…” Alazer’s deep voice made her pause. She didn’t turn to face him; she knew what he would say. “Be sure you use magic. There’s no reason for you to make us wait all night.”

Julana’s stomach dropped. “Yes, sir.” It was a test. Why did they always test her limits? They had just as much magic as she did. < What does the amount of magic they have have to do with them testing her? Why would having magic themselves affect whether they tested her? I’m not sure what point is being made. That never changed. And unlike her, they enjoyed using it. < Why doesn’t she enjoy it?

The stew was easy enough. She drew energy from her blood to summon water from the well. < What does it mean that she “drew energy from her blood”? What does it feel like? Is this dangerous?  The sight of water soaring through the air made her grimace. If anyone happened to see, they’d all be hanged for witchcraft. Was it really worth it to the Ellexes? That same energy brought the water to a boil. < I assume the well is outside and that she boiled the water inside? This could be much clearer. The cupboards were well stocked with carrots and potatoes and Julana sighed in relief. Very little magic was needed. < Why is less magic needed because they have carrots and potatoes? Is it because she can chop them by hand? Is it because she doesn’t have to go dig them up?

“Where is the meat? We want venison stew,” Alazer said. He pushed away the bowl she served, < This reads a bit awkward because you’re jumping so far ahead in time. The vegetables are already cooked and seasoned and Alazer has sat down at the table. Describing those things occurring would create a much clearer transition and be less jarring for the reader. his mouth twisted in a scowl. “Honestly, you can be so dense.”

“Sorry, Uncle Alazer,” Julana said. Tears pricked her eyes, < It’s too early in the novel for crying. I don’t know enough about the character for this to not feel like an overreaction. but not over his reaction. She would have to make an unecessary kill. < What makes it unnecessary? Does she not believe in eating meat? His beefy hand shot out to grab her wrist and the familiar sense of invasion swept over her. His tracking spell.

“Be back before the sun’s sleep.”

She pulled her cloak around her shoulders and grabbed her bow and quiver. < She isn’t going to use magic to kill the animal? A blast of cold air hit her face, but she found it refreshing. The sun defied the wind and enveloped her in its rays. In a few weeks it would be warm enough to leave her cloak behind.

A twinge of pain flashed across her foot. Her time was limited by his spell. < Is the pain in her foot associated with the spell? This isn’t clear. The Ellexes had been her guardians for as long as she could remember. More like her prison guards. They used their magic to control her, but they used her magic to get what they really wanted: money, power, revenge. It didn’t matter they were only requesting venison stew this time. She’d seen them use her magic for unspeakable things, and she refused to be caught in their web of desire. She would never use magic by choice. < This feels like  a lot of telling to me. Why not show them using her powers for something unspeakable? That would likely make for a much more gripping opening scene and would also require much less telling (and a lot more showing).

My Overall Thoughts

I think you have an interesting idea, but it isn’t getting room to shine here. Perhaps you are trying to introduce too many concepts at once and thus your ideas are getting muddled.

Leading with a hook about the magic taking her blood will lead the reader to expect near immediate follow through by showing exactly what you mean.

Key Places to Improve:

• I’m confused about why she doesn’t like magic. Magic is cool! Readers love magic! It’s totally fine for your protagonist to hate magic, but readers are going to want to know why right away. Is it because it draws from her blood? Does that hurt? Or is it simply because she’s seen it used for evil? If that’s the reason, doesn’t she ever enjoy magic in private or for reasons that are more positive?

• I’m confused about why she doesn’t want to kill for the stew. Is this related to not wanting to use magic? If so, why does she get a bow and arrow (indicating that she isn’t going to use magic)? If it’s unrelated to the magic, I would consider cutting it because I think you’re muddling the intention of this opening by introducing too many concepts.

• I’d like to see just a bit more personality from Julana. It doesn’t need to be a ton, but I want a positive trait to latch onto. Clarifying the two areas of confusion above could potentially take care of this for you.

• You may want to clarify the setting. Is this set in the past or do they just happen to have a well and kill their own meat?

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2.5

I don’t feel like I’ve been given enough information to be drawn into the story. I also don’t feel a connection to Julana (mostly because I don’t understand her – as mentioned in my notes above). I can tell you have a cool idea. I just want it to be clearer.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Karyne

You can connect with Karyne on Twitter and on her blog.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

• The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
• The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
• Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

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