About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

Middle Grade – by Diane Webber

A shudder crept down his spine as Dillon inched his bike into the shade of some pines and prayed the boys hadn’t seen him.

Up ahead dust cloud belched as a boy bit the dirt. His bike gouged the grass beside him, one tire still spinning.  Two bigger, rough-looking boys in baggy T-shirts and sagging jersey shorts stood over his bike, jeering at him.

A motor buzzed behind Dillon and he glanced back.

A pink and black motor scooter shot around and spun a circle, spat gravel toward the runners, then burned to a stop. The taunters yelled, shot the finger, and split.

The boy in the gravel unfolded long legs and stood — tall and pale and freckled.  He knocked the dirt from his helmet and raked his hands through dark red hair.

“You okay?” asked scooter rider as she took off her own helmet and shook her head. Taking a hair band off her wrist, she pulled her long brown waves back into a ponytail and put back on her helmet. She spotted Dillon. “Hi. You new here?”

Dillon inched his bike toward her. He had never seen a girl charge at guys before. But then, no girls he knew rode motor bikes, either.

“What’s your name?”

“Dill.”

“I’m Sarah Anne. And that guy in the dirt is Cole.”

“Hey! They snuck up on me!” Cole shot back.

“I know, but you can’t let those losers bully you like that.”  She glanced down the street and added, “You wanna get a Sno-Cone?”

Dillon’s neck itched as he studied the girl. She stood tall, even taller than Cole. Smooth and tan, like a Jamocha shake.

“You, too.” She pointed to Dillon.

His hands twisted around the handlebars; he felt heat crawling up his cheeks. “I dunno. Where is it?” He glanced back toward his house, judging how far he’d come.

“Just down the street. Come on.” More of an order than an invitation. He nodded and turned his bike and followed.

Dillon recognized the tiny Sno-Cone store, stuck in the end of a building advertising Dolphin Cruises and Parasailing. They plopped under a pine tree with their cones.  Dillon watched Sarah crunching the icy cherry Sno-Cone, her red tongue flicking with each word as she spoke. He wondered if the blue raspberry had turned his tongue blue.

Sarah warned Dillon to watch out for the troublemakers who had shoved Cole. “They like to push around kids younger than them,” she said.

A beat-up blue and white pickup truck pulled into the Sno-Cone parking lot, radio blaring. A dark-headed, dark-skinned guy in work jeans and T-shirt got out and ordered a Coke. He winked at the girl behind the counter, who giggled and pushed the bottle toward him.

“That’s Manuel. Need to stay away from him, too,” Cole whispered.

“Why? Is he in trouble?”

“Mamaw says he’s bad news – a drop out.”

Dillon watched as Manuel’s truck roared off, like it needed a muffler.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

 

Middle Grade – by Diane Webber

A shudder crept down his spine as Dillon inched his bike into the shade of some pines and prayed the boys hadn’t seen him. < This is a nice hook. You’re immediately dropping the reader into the action.

Up ahead dust cloud belched < This reads awkwardly. Do you mean “a dust cloud belched”? Even with “a” added, it has an awkward ring to it. I would rephrase. as a boy bit the dirt. His bike gouged the grass beside him, one tire still spinning.  < His bike gouged the grass after he fell off of it? This seems strange. Later you mention a motor bike, are they all riding a motor bike? I would make this clearer. Also, the cloud of dust had me imagining a dirt road, but if there’s grass then falling wouldn’t create a cloud of dust. Or do you mean that there is a dirt road with grass beside it? Clarifying the location would be a big improvement. Two bigger, rough-looking boys in baggy T-shirts and sagging jersey shorts stood over his bike, jeering at him. < I feel that you’re glossing over a lot of details here. What are the boys saying/doing? What do they want? How does Dillon feel about this situation? This is a great moment to follow through with the hook. Make the boys scary. Put Dillon in peril by defining the threat (embarrassment, physical pain, etc.). You have a great opportunity to draw the reader in.

A motor buzzed behind Dillon and he glanced back.

A pink and black motor scooter shot around < Shot around what? and spun a circle, spat gravel toward the runners, < Where is this gravel? It’s hard to imagine where these kids are located when there is grass, dirt, and gravel. then burned to a stop. The taunters yelled, shot the finger, and split. <Why would they leave just because this motor scooter shows up? I would expect tough kids to be tougher than this.

The boy in the gravel unfolded long legs and stood — tall and pale and freckled.  < Since no one was previously described as being in gravel, it wasn’t clear who you were referring to here. He knocked the dirt from his helmet and raked his hands through dark red hair.

“You okay?” asked the scooter rider as she took off her own helmet and shook her head. Taking a hair band off her wrist, she pulled her long brown waves back into a ponytail and put back on her helmet. She spotted Dillon. “Hi. You new here?”

Dillon inched his bike toward her. He had never seen a girl charge at guys before. But then, no girls he knew rode motor bikes, either. < Is this a period piece? Being surprised about a girl doing something stereotypical of boys seems a bit old fashioned to me.

“What’s your name?”

“Dill.”

“I’m Sarah Anne. And that guy in the dirt is Cole.”

“Hey! They snuck up on me!” Cole shot back. < He seems defensive but I didn’t take her comment as being offensive.

“I know, but you can’t let those losers bully you like that.”  She glanced down the street and added, “You wanna get a Sno-Cone?”

Dillon’s neck itched as he studied the girl. She stood tall, even taller than Cole. Smooth and tan, like a Jamocha shake. < This description of the girl seems a bit sexualized for middle grade. Remember that most MG readers have no interest in the opposite sex.

“You, too.” She pointed to Dillon. < Since Dillon’s neck itched, I assumed that he was who she was asking in the first place.

His hands twisted around the handlebars; he felt heat crawling up his cheeks. < I get the impression that he is crushing on her. If you want to include much of this type of material, you will need to make this upper middle grade, which means that the intensity and maturity will need to be increased. “I dunno. Where is it?” He glanced back toward his house, judging how far he’d come.

“Just down the street. Come on.” More of an order than an invitation. He nodded and turned his bike and followed.

Dillon recognized the tiny Sno-Cone store, stuck in the end of a building advertising Dolphin Cruises and Parasailing. They plopped under a pine tree with their cones.  Dillon watched Sarah crunching the icy cherry Sno-Cone, her red tongue flicking with each word as she spoke. He wondered if the blue raspberry had turned his tongue blue.

Sarah warned Dillon to watch out for the troublemakers who had shoved Cole. “They like to push around kids younger than them,” she said.

A beat-up blue and white pickup truck pulled into the Sno-Cone parking lot, radio blaring. A dark-headed, dark-skinned guy < Having the dark-skinned guy be the bad guy could come across as cliche (or even racist) so you will want to watch your portrayal of this character. in work jeans and T-shirt got out and ordered a Coke. He winked at the girl behind the counter, who giggled and pushed the bottle toward him.

“That’s Manuel. Need to stay away from him, too,” Cole whispered.

“Why? Is he in trouble?”

“Mamaw says he’s bad news – a drop out.”

Dillon watched as Manuel’s truck roared off, like it needed a muffler.

My Overall Thoughts

You have a nice hook in the beginning, but it never pays off for the reader. There’s no explanation of who these bad boys are or what they want or why Dillon prayed they hadn’t seen him. Has he encountered them before? What is he afraid of?

The voice has no major problems but would be significantly improved by focusing in tighter on the main character.

Key Places to Improve:

• Having the boys jeer around Cole rather than Dillon makes Dillon a bit useless in this scene. He does not save Cole and he is not even the one being bullied. This makes him feel more like an observer than a participant in the scene.

• Stick closer to Dillon. Focus on what he sees and how he feels. There is currently no difference between Dillon and Cole, which creates a barrier for the reader in connecting/bonding with Dillon. He needs to be distinct. Ideally he should have some sort of motivation/conflict that is unique to him.

• A lot of characters are introduced in this opening page. Do the bad boys and Manuel both need to be introduced this early on? I’d rather know more about Dillon.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2.5

You start off with a great hook but it isn’t followed through with – there is no sense of danger or fear in the scene. Dillon has no clear personality, motivation, or even conflict (since the boys aren’t after him). The romantic elements feel too heavy this early in a middle grade. That said, the writing has no problems other than that it is too distant from Dillon.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

• The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
• The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
• Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

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