Welcome to week three Boot Campers! It’s hump week, and we’re going to blaze over the hump with determination! (Even if our manuscripts are a little bloody by now.)
I asked participants what the workshop for this week should be and got tons of suggestions. After a lot of thought (and coffee), I decided to go with something that allowed a bit more self-direction, so that each individual can get the sort of help they need.
So without further ado, I unveil to you workshop #3:
Help Me, Help Me!
Got a question about your manuscript? A tricky scene you’re trying to write? Not sure if you’re implementing what you’ve learned correctly? Come on down and ask for help!
The Rules (follow them or else!):
- Each participant may post two requests for help. No more than that!
- Requests for help may include up to 250 words from your manuscript.
- Requests for help do not have to include an excerpt from your manuscript if not relevant or helpful.
- The total word count of the post must be under 350 words (this allows people to get to everyone rather than getting stuck on one really long post).
- Questions must be directly related to your own manuscript. No general writing, editing, or publishing questions. Most of these can be answered with a simple Google search or by reading other articles on the site.
- Please no query letters. We will be having a query letter critique the last week of the course.
Post Ideas:
- Which version of this do you like more? (Include both examples.)
- What genre is my novel? (Include a brief summary.)
- Am I successfully avoiding an info dump here? (Include an excerpt.)
- Does this dialogue sound natural? (Include an excerpt.)
- Does my villain seem cliché? (Include a description or excerpt.)
- Is this a strong description or is it too long? (Include an excerpt.)
- Any other questions that are specifically related to your novel.
I hope this workshop allows participants to get the tailored help they need.
Please don’t forget to comment on other Boot Campers’ questions. A helpful camper is a happy camper!
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
(Lee and a lady of the court are going on tour of the slave villages to inspect them. Right now they are in a carriage and heading for the first village to inspect)
With a violent shove, Lee was jolted awake. The carriage had stopped and the Lady was sipping some tea.
“Here little Lee, I had some made for you. It will help your eyes to develop the way they were made to, now drink up.”
Lee lazily complied and sipped the piping hot sugar water she had been offered, but quickly put it back down on the coaster once her tongue felt like it was about to burn off. Stupid old ladies and their hot magical teas.
“So, we are on the outskirts of the village which I will be inspecting. Do as I do, but say nothing. Just watch okay?”
Lee nodded.
The wind had begun picking up and the temperature had increased considerably.
“Oh bless me, I think I am having a hot spell. I need some air little Lee.”
The Lady opened the door to the carriage and walked briskly towards a small tree, faster than Lee could say ‘me too’.
Two of the servants whom had been riding beside them followed behind her dutifully, one was carrying a pitcher of water and the other a large paper fan.
After about a minute of fanning and deep breathes, the lady decided to walk back to the carriage.
The birds had gone ghostly silent and the temperature had increased to an unbearable level; that was when it happened. It was like an earthquake or hurricane, but it all happened in a instant. There was fire and screams of agony.
A piercing roar tore throughout the sky and Lee screeched as the carriage flipped over upside down, but by the time she had hit the ceiling everything had gone black, and she was all alone.
((this section was a part of the intro that I am giving for this character. I’m not sure if it draws the reader in enough or if I should add more action. I just don’t know. If you have questions about the story itself I would be happy to answer.))
From this excerpt alone I don’t think it needs more action, but you could possibly make more of an emotional connection. The inner conflict isn’t apparent in this scene so far and I think building personal tension will help draw the reader in and connect with the character. I want to know: who is she, how she feels about what is happening and why. This line “stupid old ladies…” Was good because it helped me understand her feelings. I think you can just “show” it more in her reactions and thoughts.
Hope this helps!
Wow. Uhm for some reason this posted twice and I was anonymous on this version….uhm
Its’ good but it depends on what mood or atmosphere you are trying to invoke. If the scene is supposed to be gritty or serious, I’d recommend focusing more on the blast or whatever the disaster is that effects the MC you say it was like a hurricane or an earthquake, why not describe exactly what it was, you don’t have to say what caused it if it’s plot related but you could go into more detail about the event itself, was it a volcano were there pillars of ash were people had stood, that sort of thing. So I would say yes add more action, if your goal is to have an intense scene. I hope I was able to help, Good stuff, I like how quickly the event starts, everything is all nice and peaceful and then boom I would still keep that quick shift from blue and idyllic to red and fiery I like that.
Does this dialogue sound convincing? It’s not conflict but it moves the story forward. ** Mild sexual content**
“God, I need a drink.” He said to no one.
“I don’t have that but I have something better, if you’re interested.” A soft voice floated down the alley to him.
His cop ears pricked up and he played along. “Oh? What do you have in mind there miss?”
It took Allan a few milliseconds to mentally check his body for his gear. He always carried a sidearm and cuffs, which he had now.
“Just wondering if you’d like a little pick me up is all. What do you say sexy?”
Oh, he thought. So it was going to be like that?
“How much will this set me back beautiful?”
“Sir, you wound me with your accusations. I merely wanted to know if you wanted company tonight?” she slid her hand up and over his shoulder, stroking the muscle there. “Mm, very nice.” She drawled.
Allan took her hand off and held it in his. “To whom do I owe the pleasure of speaking to?” his southern charm popping out like summer rain.
“You can call me Kitty, rawwr.” She flashed her ruby red nails in a scratching motion.
He laughed then, genuinely amused.
“Well Kitty, it’s a very kind offer and I’d love to get to know you more. Do you have a number?”
Allan was sure she was a prostitute, but it never hurt in case she was genuinely just a stumbling drunk female who wanted attention.
“Aww.” She pouted. “No time to pet the kitty tonight?” she licked her lips slowly.
Chuckling he said, “Sorry no, dear, I’m with a friend.”
“Bring him or her. I don’t mind.” She flashed him a grin and a wink.
The dialogue was good, it flowed really well. I realize that you are trying to make a point across about Kitty being uhm, odd, but was the “rawrrr” part really necessary? I feel like it took away from the realness of the dialogue (which was really well done) and that it could be replaced by something else. That is actually the only correction I can think of…well done Laura.
Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. That’s why I asked 🙂 I love the feedback ! 🙂
Answering your SOS! I tried to just focus on the dialogue, since that’s what you asked about.
I love the dialogue at the beginning. (Don’t forget to put a comma before miss and sexy and beautiful when they refer to each other by those names, ie- “What do you have in mind there, miss?” and “What do you say, sexy?”) Sorry, OCD. Both of the character’s dialogue ring true and shows their personalities. I think it is natural and flows well. The only part that I thought was a bit corny was the pet the kitty statement. Maybe that’s her thing, like cat woman, but I thought it would sound better to say, “No time to play tonight?” I like it though. I think you have a good handle on writing dialogue.
Thanks! yes I am not good with commas 🙂 ❤ Julie Great feedback!
I like your dialogue and definitely would be interested in reading more. It does feel like your dialogue would be more convincing and read better if you really edited this scene down. Instead of enhancing it, I think some of the extra statements dilutes the conversation going on between them. Here’s an example of what I mean from your first few sentences (unfortunately, I am not able to do strikethroughs here):
“God, I need a drink.” He said to no one.
“I don’t have that but I have something better.” A soft voice floated down the alley to him.
His cop ears pricked up and he mentally checked for his sidearm and cuffs. “What do you have in mind?” he said, playing along.
“Just wondering if you’d like a little pick me up is all. What do you say sexy?””
“How much will this set me back?”
“Sir, you wound me with your accusations. I merely wanted to know if you wanted company tonight?” she slid her hand up and over his shoulder, stroking the muscle there.
ok I do like it shorter 🙂
Thanks a lot Sherry, I’ll work on that. I tend to really ramble in dialogue.. thus the SOS 🙂
I wonder whether you want to add a little more interiority here. I’d like to know what he thinks of all this–a thought like: “is she for real?” (because I’m wondering that!) I’m more curious about who your protag is and how he thinks then what SHE wants. You can use the actions and thoughts in-between the dialogue to SHOW (not tell) that.
You have a bit of a POV issue: “his southern charm popping out”. That would be from HER perspective, IMHO. But also, why is his charm popping out? He has no intention of going off with her, does he? Also, why does he ask her price? I’m a bit confused with his character. Why is he stringing her along? Interiority might help, here.
Also, I think there are some punctuation issues, and they take away from reading this smoothly. Use a comma, not a period before “he (or she) said”. It’s all one sentence. Use a period and a cap if you finish the dialogue with an action: “No time to pet the kitty tonight?” She licked her lips. Also, what Julie said about commas.
Last: does this conversation need to be this long to move the plot forward? I get after a sentence or two that a stranger is propositioning him. It would only take a sentence for him to refuse (in disgust, or whatever.)
Thanks, well he’s a cop and he’s at a club just hanging out so his instinct to arrest her kicks in. I will cut it down though, thanks for the feedback 🙂
see–that’s interesting and I want to know it!
It changes what’s happening for me if in his head he’s thinking: “If I figure out she’s a prostitute I’m gonna arrest her.” (maybe not exactly in those words!). Then, also, the way he questions her would change–he’s feeling out what she is.
If you have him wondering whether she IS a hooker, and all the while fiddling with his handcuffs just WAITING to snap them on, well, that tells me something!
But I still suspect you could get this across pretty quickly.
Got it and yes its in there but about a sentence below the limit. I’ll work on moving it up.
I loved this dialogue! I wasn’t a fan of the lines “You can call me Kitty, rawwr.” and “No time to pet the kitty tonight (?)” personally, unless your genre is hardboiled/noir fiction. If so, it could be believable (or at least expected).
The rest was easy to follow, offered insight into the characters, and kept the story going. Good job!
Thanks I’ll work on that part since you’re not the only one to say it 🙂 Appreciate it!
Adding to other commenters, I feel like too many names are being thrown around in such a small amount of space for only two people: miss, sexy, beautiful, Kitty, Allan, dear. It seemed a little unnatural to me.
thanks Liz 🙂 I’ll work on my adjectives and adverbs 😛
I like your dialogue. This is intriguing. I agree with some of the other comments that talk about interior insights. I found myself wondering what it was the cop was after. A bust, a lead of some sort or hoping she was really a “stumbling drunk female who wanted attention”.
Earlier in the book you know that he is in love with the protag but he screwed up and cheated on her. He’s attempting to start a new relationship and is out with his buddy at the club. He just doesn’t seem to have very good luck with the ladies. hence he can’t even tell if its really a chick that’s interested or a hooker 🙂
(this is the second last half of the intro I gave for a character. Is it compelling/ interesting?)
With a violent shove, Lee was jolted awake. The carriage had stopped and the Lady was sipping some tea.
“Here little Lee, I had some made for you. It will help your eyes to develop the way they were made to, now drink up.”
Lee lazily complied and sipped the piping hot sugar water she had been offered, but quickly put it back down on the coaster once her tongue felt like it was about to burn off. Stupid old ladies and their hot magical teas.
“So, we are on the outskirts of the village which I will be inspecting. Do as I do, but say nothing. Just watch okay?”
Lee nodded.
The wind had begun picking up and the temperature had increased considerably.
“Oh bless me, I think I am having a hot spell. I need some air little Lee.”
The Lady opened the door to the carriage and walked briskly towards a small tree, faster than Lee could say ‘me too’.
Two of the servants whom had been riding beside them followed behind her dutifully, one was carrying a pitcher of water and the other a large paper fan.
After about a minute of fanning and deep breathes, the lady decided to walk back to the carriage.
The birds had gone ghostly silent and the temperature had increased to an unbearable level; that was when it happened. It was like an earthquake or hurricane, but it all happened in a instant. There was fire and screams of agony.
A piercing roar tore throughout the sky and Lee screeched as the carriage flipped over upside down, but by the time she had hit the ceiling everything had gone black, and she was all alone.
I do like the dialogue and the girl’s inner monologue. The magical element is brough up here and that piqued my interest. I’m not a big fan of saying something “had” done this or that, especially if it’s used a lot. “The wind picked up and the temperature increased considerably” keeps me more interested and feels more like we’re in the middle of it. You use the word increased to describe the temperature twice, and the repetition caught my eye. Try another word for one of the instances, like “the temperature rose.”
The sudden fire and screams of agony are great. It’s unexpected and startling. Makes me want to know what happened. So, yes, it is compelling in my opinion.
I feel like the characters themselves are compelling, but a few things in the action distracted me from the scene. Using ‘had’ (had been, had gone, had begun, etc.) puts distance between the reader and the scene.
“With a violent shove…” made me think someone shoved her rather than a carriage stopping abruptly.
“Stupid old ladies and their hot magical teas.” -Is this Lee’s thought or the narrator’s? Hard to tell, but looks like the narrator’s.
“…faster than Lee could say ‘me too’.” At first I thought Lee followed the Lady out of the carriage. Just a little bit more here to let the reader know she hesitated would be helpful.
I feel like the last bit is rushed- a lot happens in just a few sentences. Converting telling to showing would really suck the reader into the action.
Overall, I really want to know what happens. I really like the Lady character and want to know what her job is (inspecting a village after drinking magical tea sounds important and mysterious.) I’m picking up a deep southern accent from the Lady- if that’s what you’re going for, it comes across well. I wish I could read from the beginning so I could see the story develop and get to know Lee. This is a great story.
I think its very good and I want to turn the page to see what happens ! Good job!
My novel is written in first person and alternates between a male and female character’s POV. They have parallel stories in the beginning, but intersect in the first 1/3 of the novel. Even after they meet, I continue to have a separate chapter for each character. They start out as strangers, but find that they have something in common-they are both seeking the same thing.
What is the general feeling on this? I’ve read books like this before (Legend, by Marie Lu for one), and I liked getting both POV’s. I read the Divergent series, and the first two were from one POV, then the last book alternated POV’s. I didn’t like it in that instance because I got used to just one voice through the first 2/3 of the trilogy and then it was weird to be in someone else’s head half the time in the 3rd. I intend to start and end with alternating POV’s, so hopefully the reader will accept it and like it. Thoughts? Opinions?
I could possibly revise it to be just from the male MC’s POV, but I think I’m hesitant to do that because I’m a woman and it feels strange (to me) to write an entire novel from a male perspective. I have two sons, but I’m still not confident that I can pull off the inner workings of the male mind. Also YA readers are mostly female, am I right? So I may be hurting myself by only having a male protagonist. But the guys need good YA books to read too, don’t they? I’m torn. As Ellen said, Help me, Help me!
Have you read any of Jennifer E Smith’s books latest two books (This is what happy looks like and the geography of you and me)? They alternate between two characters in the third person, not first. I love her books for that. I’m not sure how it works for first person, but as long as it’s set apart by chapters, and the chapters aren’t retelling us things that happened before, just in the other person’s eyes, I think it works great.
No, I haven’t. I’ll have to check them out. For some reason, I’m stuck in first person. Going to remedy that with my next project. And yes, I made sure I didn’t rehash anything I hate reading books like that), the story keeps moving forward. Thanks.
I use third person. I can objectively get into a characters head. My chapters alternate between the antagonist and the protagonist. Creates the opportunity for a cliff hanger at the end of most chapters.
There are definitely advantages to using third person. I’m too invested in what I’ve got going now, but I’m trying out third next time.
I felt the same way about the Divergent series! If I wouldn’t have loved the first two books so much, I’m not sure I would have finished the last one. : (
Here are some thoughts on your question:
If it takes a third of your book for the characters to meet, make sure something very interesting is happening to both before. John Green and David Levithan co-wrote a book called “Will Grayson, Will Grayson” and the characters didn’t meet until the (almost) end of the book, however, the individual stories were so interesting it held the reader’s attention. Don’t lose your reader by just having the character’s go about their normal lives (unless their normal lives are really, really interesting) until they meet.
This may not apply, but I’d feel better putting it here just in case. I’d also warn you not to add the “third-temporary voice” anywhere in the book. What I mean is if the book is told from Bill and Jane’s perspective for 99% of the book, do not write a single chapter from “the bad guy’s perspective” or “the annoying little brother’s voice” just to fill in the holes, or because it would be fun. The only person that i’ve ever read who has done this successfully was Chuck Klosterman in his book Downtown Owl. But he is really, really good and he could do whatever he wants. I say whatever you plan on doing for most of the book, do it for all of the book. Just my two cents though.
Lastly I would just add to make sure if you want to write from multiple perspectives to make sure the voices are very differently. You’re essentially writing two different books. This is where Faulkner is king. You read something like As I lay dying, and it’s easy to believe 5 different people wrote it. It might sound silly, but I’d suggest getting in your different character’s mindset before sitting at the keyboard. If your male main character drinks coffee and listens to 80’s hair metal, you better make a pot and pull out your old cassette tapes while you write. IF your female main character listens to country and drinks tea, then you should do the same. These are silly suggestions, but you know what I mean.
Good luck, I am very interested in your story. I am actually juggling two perspectives for my own story, which is why I (accidentally) just wrote you a book here with some of my own thoughts and struggles. Oops. Good luck!
You know, I still have not finished Allegiant. Reading it is what made me question the alternating POV in mine. I agree that each character would have to have their own compelling story. With mine, one character is definitely stronger. (Hey, “Stronger” is the title of my ms-look what I did there.) I need to fix that situation or just go with one POV. Thanks for all the suggestions and examples. Never thought of being a “method author” , but that’s an interesting idea. Thanks for the input and good luck with your novel as well.
You should ask the question is it necessary to tell the story. Do you need both characters to relate the story, what I mean is, do you have two MC’s because you want two, or because the story really warrants two MC’s. Head hopping can be good, it can bring a story out show another side you might not get from just the one POV. It can also really mess a story up, if you say have one strong and one weak character, and you flip back and forth with each chapter I will quickly start to dread every other chapter. You do it right though you can leave one in a cliffhanger situation, but then draw me right back into a cliffhanger you just left me hanging with a chapter back so I’m not that mad. All of this though has to serve the story you shouldn’t just arbitrarily switch characters just because. Just really look at the story and see do you need both people, maybe one would do, maybe even focusing on one person could make it better. You know the old thing, leave them guessing and they will always want more, why they say you should not reveal to much because you need to leave a little to the imagination. In the end though this is your baby and if you honestly look at it and say I need two MC’s i’ll back you up it’s your story after all. I haven’t read it so I can only tell you what I have learned from my own experience.
Thanks for the input! I know exactly what you mean about dreading to read every other chapter. I was starting to dread even writing the female MC’s chapters because she’s just not as interesting. I need to make her story more compelling or downgrade her to supporting role. Thinking I’m better off just writing it from the male MC’s POV, but it’s scary to me. Definitely out of my comfort zone there. But the whole reason I started writing this is b/c I have 2 sons and had trouble finding them books to read that had a male protagonist. There are some out there, but much less than ones with female protagonists. Thank you again for taking time to give your opinion.
Personally, I love books with more than one POV. It makes whichever character who isn’t narrating more interesting, and the plot more complex, because the characters can be in two different places at once. One thing I’d avoid, though, don’t write a scene from one POV, and then tell it again from the other. The book ‘Wings: a Fairy Tale’ by E. D. Baker (also called Fairy Wings) did this with its male/female narrators, and it wasn’t really necessary.
Also, girls don’t only read girls, and guys don’t only read guys; although I believe the cross-over is way more common with female readers than male. Some of my favorite books have male narrators, or at least alternate with one. As long as the narration is done well and consistently, I don’t see that there would be any problem with it. Hope this helps.
Thanks for the input. I’m still not giving up on the alternating POV. I know what I need to do to make it work. And yes, it helps. Thanks again.
I like the concept. I believe it adds suspense and intrigue with both characters’ perspective. I think it works better to keep the scenes balanced with each, as I too feel it’s oft putting to be in one character’s head an extended period only to shift away. Hope this helps.
This is an excerpt from my YA dystopian novel. It’s a flashback that gives the reader information that is vital later on. It’s a bit mature. There’s a fine line regarding sexual situations in YA, so my question is: am I balancing right on that line, or did I go over it? Keep in mind it’s a first draft.
Tanner tosses a specimen cup and a biohazard bag onto my bed. “Doc wants a specimen.”
“What? I gave them a urine sample yesterday. Hell, I even crapped in a cup for ‘em.”
“It’s not that kind of specimen,” he says, and hands me a slim, rectangular viewing screen.
Puzzled, I take the device from him. “What’s this?”
“It’s a dataport.”
“I know that. What does it have to do with the specimen?”
A flush creeps up his neck. “You’re a smart kid. I’m sure you’ll figure it out,” he answers, then makes a hasty retreat.
I place my palm on the dataport, bringing the screen to life. When I raise my hand, I get my first look at a nude female.
The young woman tosses her silky blond hair, laughing softly. The low, sexy sound sends a shiver down my spine. As she cavorts in front of the camera in all her glorious nakedness, my body reacts the way a man’s body is supposed to in such a situation. Then I get it.
No way in hell. I’ve been humiliated enough with all the invasive tests and the lack of privacy.
Then I remember the long tube the doctor’s assistant carried in when I was unable to produce a urine sample on demand. I shudder to think how they’d retrieve this kind of specimen if I don’t cooperate, and I don’t want to find out.
I look back at the screen and bid my last bit of dignity farewell.
This is awesome! I feel for the guy! 🙂
I think it works for slightly older YA, 14/15+ or so should understand, and not be bothered by it.
I do not think it is over the line at all. I think it’s right on the money – not too little as too keep it interesting, and not too much to cause a red flag. I like it!
Good! Thank you for the feedback, guys. I am going for the older YA readers. I’ve read some YA that was kind of racy, but this is a subject that I haven’t seen addressed. Enering taboo territory, I guess.
Have you read, “The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian?” Your excerpt is less risqué than the multiple times that topic is mentioned in that novel.
I’ve never heard of it. Is it a YA book? If so, that’s good (I guess, lol). Makes me feel less, um, “pervy” for having it come up in mine.
I don’t think two POVs are too much, especially if you don’t head hop within scenes and you are consistent. Classic romances are often written like that. (But there is still one protag–even if it isn’t instantly obvious–and in a romance it is usually the woman) That’s because (as you said) the reader is usually a woman.
If you are writing a romance, I think I’d either alternate OR make the POV female. If it’s not a romance, I don’t know why you couldn’t make it male. But then, IMHO, it needs to be kinda a male-ish story (whatever that means :0) (sci fi? military? mystery/thriller? I don’t know!)
But I think you can do pretty much anything–if you do it well enough.
There are websites on “writing from a male POV if you are not”.
Thanks for the advice. Yeah, it has romance as well, and I do alternate POV’s, separate chapters, no switching in the same chapter or scene. Some like that sort of thing, others don’t. Guess I’ll do what feels right and hope I’m not wrong. I’ll look into that writing from a male POV website. That sounds helpful. I’m not sure we understand men anymore than they do us! Thanks again.
My MS is also an alternate POV YA novel. I think it works. I’ve read several books like this. However, I am reconsidering every other chapter to a couple chapters in a row by the same POV when I feel it’s necessary. Katie McGarry’s books do this quite successfully, especially Pushing the Limits. Good luck. I don’t think first person is detrimental if the personalities are different enough. I’m also labeling the top of each chapter with the name of the character who’s telling it. In no way is the scene you posted too risque.
Yes, I agree, you can have a couple chapters in a row from the same character before switching back to the other, as long as each chapter is titled with the character’s name, like you’re doing. I’ll have to look into some of these books you guys are mentioning- refresh my memory on how to do it well. I’m so torn. I like the alternating POV, but I don’t know if it’s going to work for my story. I’m not giving up on it yet, but I’m definitely considering going with only one POV. Thanks for the input and good luck with yours too. Glad the above scene isn’t too risque. I tried to do it tastefully.
BTW, here’s a website: http://www.writersdigest.com/editor-blogs/guide-to-literary-agents/writing-the-male-point-of-view
Ooh, thank you so much. I need this. 🙂
I like your dialogue and definitely would be interested in reading more. It does feel like your dialogue would be more convincing and read better if you really edited this scene down. Instead of enhancing it, I think some of the extra statements dilutes the conversation going on between them. Here’s an example of what I mean from your first few sentences (unfortunately, I am not able to do strikethroughs here):
“God, I need a drink.” He said to no one.
“I don’t have that but I have something better.” A soft voice floated down the alley to him.
His cop ears pricked up and he mentally checked for his sidearm and cuffs. “What do you have in mind?” he said, playing along.
“Just wondering if you’d like a little pick me up is all. What do you say sexy?””
“How much will this set me back?”
“Sir, you wound me with your accusations. I merely wanted to know if you wanted company tonight?” she slid her hand up and over his shoulder, stroking the muscle there.
Hi Ellen, I messed up again. I thought I was replying to Mediumlaura, but ended up making a post instead. Can you delete this entry here? Thank you.
Help Campers,
This is about ten pages from the end. I feel it is too rushed.
Thoughts?
Anger and longing for The Siren and for the life she represented consumed me. I questioned myself, blamed myself, and hated myself for falling for her words. I was taken in by her talk of crowds, of cities, of applause, and especially of family. I never knew words could hurt so much, even more than Papi’s slap. Words could make you believe something you know wasn’t right or true or real.
Two weeks after The Siren abandoned me, when Papi was convinced she wasn’t coming back, he returned my phone, her number erased. If she ever called me, I’d forgive her, as I knew my mother would want. I also knew I’d still go with her and hurt Papi.
After those five days with The Siren, and her revelations, I wasn’t whole, nowhere near whole. Then again I wasn’t whole before I met her either.
She never did call. The misery lessened. It never went away.
It turned out Drew’s dad was gone a month and when he came back his wife was waiting for him, no questions asked. It seemed he’d done this once before, when Drew was little. He’d run into his high school sweetheart at Market Basket, fresh from a divorce, and a week later, he moved into her place in Revere. That lasted a month too, the story goes.
Drew and I never talked about The Siren, even though we sat next to each other in Math class. Knowing she was responsible for hurting him, as she had me, pained me. I wanted tell him she’d hurt me too, and how it was supposed to be me traveling with her instead of his father. I didn’t. It wouldn’t have changed anything.
I don’t feel it’s rushed. It conveys it well in my opinion.
Its not of rushed. There is a lot of emotion and I feel it even though I’m not sure what is happening. Good job and goodluck 🙂
Hi. Love the first paragraph. By rushed, do you mean there are a lot of things wrapped up in just one page? I had no trouble following it, and it held my interest, but it reads to me like an epilogue because of all the telling. Like you are trying to catch the reader up on what happened after the dust settled. If that’s what you are going for, then it’s fine, but maybe you can show some of those things with action and dialogue? It might add an extra chapter, but it might be worth trying. This sound like an awesome story, by the way.
I randomly picked an unedited excerpt from the first draft of my novel. It comes about midway through. I would appreciate your thoughts on how the interaction of dialogue, action, underlying tension, etc. are coming across and what edits you would suggest.
“Surprising how a man my size can move so quietly,” the doc said as he slapped Sonny on the back. “Good thing I’m a doctor if you’re planning on having a heart attack.” The doc’s laughter vibrated down his mounded belly as he pulled over a chair and puddled himself next to Lily. He placed a hand on her armrest. “You’ve been avoiding me.”
Lily looked at the hand. “I haven’t been avoid…”
“Yes, you have. So I figured I needed the element of surprise.”
“You stalking me, doc?” She shifted to the opposite armrest.
“Not stalking; going after what I want.”
Lily gave the doc an awkward smile then looked past him. “Do you think it is going to rain, Sonny?”
The doctor turned, and then leaned back in his creaking chair waiting for Sonny’s answer.
“I don’t know. Maybe.” Sonny stood up and walked to the railing. “We sure need it.”
“Ha!” The doc slapped his knee and reached for a small rock that was holding the table cloth down in the breeze. “I’ll tell ya what, this here rock is all you need to tell the weather,” he said. “If its dry, I’d say the weather’s clear. If it’s wet, well it’s raining”. He motioned for the children to lean in toward him. “Now if this rock is all white, it’s most likely snowing. And if this rock is gone,” he said and pitched the rock out into the yard, “you’ve probably done had yourself a tornado.”
Ha–like the ending. I think what I am missing here is a clear indication of the POV character. So maybe some interiority? (I think lily, but wouldn’t mind a bit more in her head, if so)
I also do NOT get the impression that Lily is a child–her voice sounds kind of old to me. (Stalking?) But you do a good job of making the doc obnoxious, without ever telling.
BTW: is that how she thinks of him? “The doc”? It sounds from this bit like she already knows him, so would she think of him by name? Just wondering.
Of course, with this small of a slice it’s possible Lily’s thoughts are right above or right below.
I was having trouble figuring out the setting at the beginning. Later, I got the impression they are on a porch or something? All that may be more clear if I read what came before this excerpt. I like the dialogue a lot. I get that Lily is not intersted in doc at all and feels uncomfortable with his advances. The action is good. I did notice that this scene is an obsevation, and we’re not getting anyone’s POV here. It might add to the tension if we got a little perspective from Lily. The part about the rock is great!
At the risk of annoying everyone, I wondered whether I could post my first words again. Here’s why: I get feedback (from here, but also other places) that it is too confusing. What I’m wondering is whether any of you would be willing to pinpoint WHAT is confusing–for example, a specific line that throws you. (I, of course, know what I mean everywhere! :0) So I need that help.
thanks…
To Dora’s surprise, the old ones caught a human and brought him home for dinner. Well, not all of him.
Old Barney descended into the buried lifeship, bringing a swirl of Earth’s unfriendly atmosphere and a dusting of snow. And a sack that sloshed, deliciously. His purple eyes gleamed.
The clan sat along the table in the correct order, Dora at the very end. They clapped their spoons against the surface with metallic sparks of applause. “Pour it out!”
Dora’s mouth watered, too.
Ancient Mickey dipped his head. “This may have been unwise.”
“We are tired of deer,” said Old Barney, ladling dinner into silver bowls.
Ancient Mickey frowned. “Have you forgotten human nature? Eat one, you excite the rest. We risk discovery.” He tilted his wrinkled head up, toward the planet’s surface, where discoverers might lurk.
Dora really hoped not.
Old Barney puffed. “These were not the connected sort of humans, I could tell. The others won’t care.”
Dora stared at her bowl. How did one distinguish connected humans from other kinds? This blood smelled nourishing, and sweet, and something else.
This blood smelled dangerous.
She put down her spoon. “I thought humans never came this deep into the woods.”
Old Barney cleared his throat. Improper, questioning an elder, unless it was your parent. She didn’t have any of those, so she had no one to ask except the other Youngs. And since they remained curled and ripening in the vat, they couldn’t answer. They just floated, silent as the slick white floors of the stranded ship.
I have tried to make it a little les confusing for you but as I do not know your exact story, I may have changed something making it incorrect to your story, I think it basically says the same put with maybe a slightly better flow, you do not have to use this as it may even bee more confusing than your version but this is how I would expresses this section so hope it helps and maybe the other campers can let us know if my version is any clearer.
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Old Barney descended into the buried lifeship, bringing a swirl of Earth’s unfriendly atmosphere and a dusting of snow. His purple eyes gleamed as he carried a sack that seamed to slosh around.
To Dora’s surprise, the old one had caught a human and brought him home for dinner. Well, not all of him.
The clan sat down in the correct order along the table with Dora at the very end, they tapped their spoons against the metallic surface making an applause of sparks. “Pour it out!” they cried.
Uncontrollably Dora’s mouth started to water.
Ancient Mickey how had been siting in silence dipped his head. “This may have been unwise.”
“But we are tired of deer,” said Old Barney, ladling dinner into silver bowls.
“Have you forgotten human nature? Eat one, you excite the rest. We risk discovery.” He tilted his wrinkled head up toward the planet’s surface, where discoverers might lurk.
Dora really hoped not.
Old Barney puffed. “This one was not the connected sort of human, I could tell. The others won’t care.”
Dora stared at her bowl. How did one distinguish connected humans from other kinds? The blood smelled nourishing, sweet and something else, this blood smelled dangerous!.
She put down her spoon. “I thought humans never came this deep into the woods.”
Old Barney cleared his throat. Improper, questioning an elder, unless it was your parent. She didn’t have any of those, so she had no one to ask except the other Youngs and since they remained curled in the vat ripening, they couldn’t answer. They just floated, silent as the slick white floors of the stranded ship.
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P.S. Good luck to all and don’t stop writing ^_^”
Opps it should be: Ancient Mickey tilted his wrinkled head, not He
I was able to follow it and understand it, but it was slow going, mainly because I was trying to absorb the names and the unfamiliarity of these beings. Also, when you say Old Barney descened into the lifeship with a bag, I was confused because it seemed like that should happen before Dora knows they brought a human for dinner.
I think when people say they are confused, it’s because it’s harder to get right into a story that has a lot of unfamiliar stuff that we have to learn as we read.There’s an awful lot about their way of life that has to be absorbed, so we have to process that before we can move on. Maybe making it a bit simpler, and giving out the details a little at a time might help.
I really like your descriptions. I wonder if it might make some a bit squeamish, but I guess if they’re reading sci-fi, they know what they’re getting into. Hope you get some more specific feedback, because this is just my opinion and I can’t speak for those who felt confused. Good luck. 🙂
I loved it. The only place I had to reread to understand was the last paragraph. To me, the first line is like the thoughts of Old Barney, while the next two sentences seem to be more what Dora would think.
thank you everyone!
There’s nothing confusing about this for readers who buy into your style and wait two or three lines for each answer. But many want their questions answered right now, so maybe you have to make it more immediately obvious.
In case you worry people don’t get it, here’s what is going on: A gang of purple-eyed bloodthirsty aliens have buried their ship under the earth and raid the surface for creatures to drain so they can gorge. Lately they’ve been subsisting on deer blood but now, to their delight, they’ve got a sackful of human gore. However, one of them is worried that having killed this human they’re going to be discovered.
Just three questions I didn’t think were answered:
1. If the lifeship is buried, how did old Barney get into it?
2. Does atmosphere swirl?
3. When they tell Old Barney to pour it out, how does he ladle it out of a sack Presumably he’d have the ladle in one hand and the sack in the other, held at one corner, would let the opposite side fall outwards and then reach inside with his ladle and haul out the blood, hoping the sack doesn’t move and his ladle doesn’t touch the sides. The more blood he ladles out, the deeper he has to go and the harder it gets because the sack folds in on itself as it empties. Obviously, if the aliens have three arms then none of this is an issue.