Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Mystery/Suspense
Technically, living by the sea meant there should have been a breeze. By nightfall, it should have been cooler, the heat less oppressive. By midnight, a full breath should have been easy to come by—even in July. That was one of the perks of living in Maine.
Not tonight, though.
A streetlight was out in the Old Port, the cobblestone street uneven beneath my feet. I’d been drinking—not a lot, since I was technically on the job, but enough that the night felt darker, the silence richer. I glanced at my watch. It was 1:55 a.m.
I had five minutes.
I picked up my pace, crossing Commercial Street at a trot before I paused at the head of an alley that led to Portland’s working waterfront. The smell of the ocean was strong, salty-sweet, on the air.
There was nothing but darkness when I looked down the alley toward the water. A smarter man would go back, I knew. Of course, a smarter man probably wouldn’t have come here in the first place. I ignored the warning voice in the back of my head, and forged on. I needed this goddamn story.
“Lisette?” I called.
No answer.
I stepped into the alley. “Hello? I’m here, two o’clock on the dot.”
I heard a car drive by back on Commercial, windows down, AC/DC playing loud. I paused, waiting until the music faded before I took another step.
Usually I don’t like books that begin with setting, but I think your first paragraph works well. Just enough detail, not too much. I like the atmospheric feel of the writing, and that you introduce that the MC is a man on the job right away.
If I have to come up with a constructive comment, I think the first page could do with fewer punctuation points. All of the commas slowed me down, when I expect this should be building up tension. I do like that you mix short and long sentences together, which gives your writing a nice rhythm. The main sentence that feels jolty to me is “The smell of the ocean was strong, salty-sweet, on the air.”
Strong description of setting. I’m wanting to read further to know exactly what story this character is after and why his contact is not where she is supposed to be. I think you have done a great job at setting up a gritty, noire type atmosphere. I am not entirely sure what you mean when you say “a full breath should have been easier to come by”, but that could be my own ignorance. Overall, very strong writing.
I’m glad to hear the grit/noir came through in this, Jason. And I don’t think it’s ignorance in the least about ‘a full breath should have been easier to come by…’ I’ll work on it, or potentially just strike the line completely. Good catch!
Thanks, Lara — I totally get carried away with commas, I’ll look at that. I’m glad to hear that the atmospheric opening works for you. It’s a departure for me as well, as I tend to want to leap to the action immediately. It felt right for the voice, however, so… That’s where it went. Thank you for the feedback!
Loved this opening. Makes me want to read further to find out what your character is up to at 2:00 in the morning 🙂 You give us a lot of clues and a great setting in this opening. Constructive criticism is hard to give. I guess if I was to give any it would be to not name AC/DC and perhaps only name the type of music blaring, unless your aim is to pinpoint the era the story is taking place. Great start!
Thanks for the feedback, Andrea! Good input re: AC/DC… The reference is more because the character is an audiophile, so tunes into music quickly — but it may be an unnecessary/distracting detail all the same. I’ll look into it.I’m glad the opening worked for you overall, though!
Hi Jen
I think you’ve managed to capture the atmosphere really well in the first page.
Although I liked the opening paragraph and the way it shows the setting, I thought it held up the story a bit. I then tried reading from the second paragraph (as an opening) and it took me right in. You could easily re-use the opening paragraph later on, without getting rid of it altogether.
There were a couple of “technically”s close together and you could get rid of one, but I couldn’t spot anything else that jarred and it was a smooth read. I’d like to keep reading and find out more about Lisette and why our MC doesn’t seem to mind being heard at 2am! Made me think that it’s all about to start happening. Great start.
Erica
Interesting comment, Erica, and it’s really gotten me thinking about that opener. Also a good catch on the “technically.” I use qualifiers more than I should, and totally missed the repeat there. I’m glad to hear the opening worked for you overall, though, and thrilled to hear you’re interested enough to keep reading. Thanks so much for the feedback!
Things I like: uneven cobblestone, drinking enough that the night felt darker, the smell of the ocean, salty-sweet
A smarter man would go back, I knew. Of course, a smarter man probably wouldn’t have come here in the first place. Though Ellen didn’t mention it as a top offender, this line/lines felt cliche.
There is some good potential for suspense here, but I wanted to be even deeper inside this person’s head. So, instead of a “warning voice in the back of his head,” for instance, I wanted something more personal to the narrator, something along the lines of what’s listed in things I like, above.
Thanks for the feedback, Betsy. I’ll definitely take it into consideration, and I agree that I can do better than the ‘warning voice’ in the back of his head. I’ll work on it. I really appreciate the careful read and attention to detail!
Your setting details are so rich and evocative, I really liked them. I also liked the suspense you built by the line “a smarter man would go back”. You’ve already introduced a ticking clock at the very beginning of your story which builds tension, which is great.
I would suggest losing the filtering word in the last paragraph, “I heard a car…” to “A car drove by…”
Overall, it’s an interesting start and I’d like to read more. 🙂
Bags of atmosphere! Like watching a 1940s film noir mystery in my head. As tense as it gets near the end, I felt you were too restrained. It’s creepy as hell in that alley, so I think you can have some fun with us by ramping it up still further.
I was surprised when the car drove by blasting AC/DC, but I wasn’t shocked. AC/DC are not creepy as hell, I don’t care what anyone says. They act like a pressure release here and all the mysterious, creepy steam you’ve built up goes flying out of the pot before I’m even worried that it’s going to explode.
One last point? You use “should have been” three times in your first paragraph. I think that if you do something like that as style it’s tricky to carry off unless you make a joke with it because the reader’s first thought is that you’re repeating yourself. Also: “By nightfall” and “By midnight”, “living by” and “living in”.
Take out AC/DC and I’m turning the page…
All the best, Tim
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Portal Fantasy
CLASSIFICATION: IEP269-292
NOVEL HISTORIAN: C. Davies
MEMORY PAINTER: T. Knight
[BEGIN REPORT]
LOCATION: Innerworld | 46.755601, -92.460920 | St Bernadette | MN | USA
DATE: CE 2 June 2009
It was the first day above eighty that summer, and the Lycra stuck to Robin like decoupage. Only six cupcakes left, then he could go home and shower. The first time he started this superhero gig, Robin thought he’d have to prepare something. A skit or trick for the kids. Mostly the job entailed handing out cupcakes and fielding questions from suspicious six-year-olds. Sometimes a retired frat boy dad would challenge him to a fight. (Robin made a conscious effort to not beat guys up in front of their children.) A teenage cousin, bored out of her mind, might quiz him on Infinite Earths to see if he was worthy of the cape.
Two more. Those curly-haired kids were still in the bounce house. Come on. This was a Miller birthday party, which meant at any moment, Joyce, a.k.a. “Pidgin,” would show up. And—there she was. The Miller family made up nearly half the population of St. Bernadette, and Pidgin was the matriarch’s sister. She was also single and had a penchant for goosing Robin and/or booping him in the abs.
And she had seen Robin. She was headed his way, wiggling her fingers. “Yoo hoo! Robbie!”
It was too late to pretend he hadn’t seen her. She might think he was playing hard to get.
This is fun! Love your descriptors and it flows really well!
I’m not sure about all this stuff above it, the clasification and historian and all that…
Have you considered writing in first person? It seems like this might give us a better insight into Robin’s head. What’s Robin’s outfit look like? Sounds like the person is dressed like a superhero and handing out cupcakes. But I’m not sure if it’s Batman’s Robin or if that’s his real name.
Other than that I love it!
Thank you! I’ll definitely rewrite this to clarify that his real name is Robin, but he’s dressed up as Batman. I had a line later on, but that should be clear from the get-go.
The “Novel Historian” is actually the character that is “writing” the book. It’s written as sort of a police report, but in the form of a novel. That’s why it’s in third person, because Robin isn’t technically the narrator, “C. Davies” is. There are other parts patched in that are in first person.
Do you think I should start with a note from “C. Davies” to make that more clear? Sort of like how THE DISREPUTABLE HISTORY OF FRANKIE-LANDAU BANKS starts off with a letter from her, but the rest of the novel is in third-person?
The things at the beginning are confusing, and I’m thinking that Robin is the real Robin from the comics, and he’s from another world.
Other than being a little confused, I like the writing and descriptions.
Thank you for your input! Good point. I should definitely clarify earlier that he’s just a regular guy.
All of the confusing stuff at the beginning is because this is a report, similar to a police report. Any advice on how to convey that better, besides formatting or designing it to look like a police report?
I’m thinking that (fictional) information would probably appear on an earlier page.
I would make it sound like a report, I’ve never seen something meant to be a document type report written like a narrative. I would make it sound stiff and cold, like a report. If you can.
I agree. The discrepancy there doesn’t make sense to me and so I spent more time trying to understand what was going on and what it all meant than enjoying the story.
I think the report is a cool concept, but I’m not totally convinced that it can be executed in a way that is both entertaining and convincing.
The line “Come on.” made this read like third limited. If this is not told through Robin’s POV, I would make that abundantly clear in the narration within the first paragraph.
“Only six cupcakes left” threw me off. To eat? To decorate? It’s clear after reading on, but confusing the reader this early in the story is definitely risky.
Personally, I felt that there was too much telling of things that could have easily been shown. The voice is funny, but I would couch it in more action.
I love the style of your writing, but do agree a report should be more formal. However I think if you were redo this as report you would lose a lot of what makes it flow – unless the report is told from an eyewitness point of view, then it can become a little gossipy in nature.
I’m really following the discussion here and agree that your writing is really natural and inviting. Hooray! I wouldn’t want to lose that, and yet, I’m sure you could create that feeling somewhere else as well. I think I might try the idea you floated, write a letter from the historian. I also think you could start out stiff — lull the reader into thinking this is a report, but then let the natural exuberance of your storytelling sort of take over. It’s worth a try. Things that made me happy were decoupage and frat boy dad and worth his cape.
That’s what I’m thinking, too. It’s less of a report than a narrative history presented as a report to a superior officer.
I’ll brainstorm ideas of how to incorporate the narration better. I’ve been playing with the idea of adding footnotes. I’ll ask my crit partners.
Thank you so much for your feedback!
Very funny! As the others have said, the top part is confusing and the batman/robin thing threw me for a loop. Also, I thought he was a real superhero and not just some kid handing out cupcakes at a party. My bad. Maybe I thought his superpower was creating delicious cupcakes that contained a mind control ingredient… Your writing style has me wanting to know more…
That sounds like an amazing superpower.
Thanks for your reply! I’ll definitely fix those things 🙂
Hi Lara. It was the first day above eighty that summer, and the Lycra stuck to Robin like decoupage. Only six cupcakes left, then he could go home and shower. I’m confused about the MC’s age. If the MC is wearing a costume he could me a young boy. If he is talking about wanting a shower, he must be a man dressing up in a Robin costume.
Two more. Those curly-haired kids were still in the bounce house. Come on. To me, this sentence doesn’t tie in anywhere or push the plot of the story forward. I think you could leave it out.
This was a Miller birthday party, which meant at any moment, Joyce, a.k.a. “Pidgin,” would show up. And—there she was. This is written in a passive voice. Consider: Joyce Miller, a.k.a. Pidgin. in the flesh. Being a Miller party, I should have expected her appearance….or something like that. Good luck with your story.
Thanks for your feedback! I’ll try to make it more clear earlier on how old Robin is.
The curly haired kids are the ones that still need to retrieve their cupcakes. I’ll look into rewording that.
I’m not sure why you think the other lines are in passive voice. They are active voice in past tense. “This is” is similar to “It was” or “there are” which are expletives, and expletives, like passive voice, should be rewritten when possible (“should be rewritten” is passive voice). But in that sentence, “This” is a pronoun functioning as the subject, and “was” is the verb.
It’s the equivalent of saying “The party was a Miller family party,” which isn’t passive or expletive.
I could be misunderstanding you. Are you referring to something else as being passive?
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
YA Adventure
“Set the power to seventy-five percent and perform a power-on stall,” instructed Thomas, the flight examiner.
*I practiced ’em with my flight instructor a few times, but I wasn’t expecting to have to do it for the private flight exam. Heck, I’m not even sure it’s a required maneuver in a private checkride.*
Forty-five hours of costly flight time and endless hours of study entitled Chris to this opportunity to prove his piloting skill. Sweat trickled down his face. His hands tightened on the control wheel.
*If I don’t get this right, the whole checkride will go down the drain. Crap! Why didn’t I review it yesterday with Wally? An airplane can become squirrely when allowed to get into the extreme conditions of a power-on stall.*
Eyes fixed on Chris, Thomas said, “Son, did you understand my instructions? The checkride will soon be finished, but first you need to perform a power-on stall.”
Though just eighteen years old, Chris had worked hard all summer at the airport in order to afford the remaining flight lessons still needed to complete everything required for a private pilot’s license. But in his mind, that was just the beginning. He had plans to gain entrance into the world of flying “big equipment,” or what is known to earth-bound people as airliners. Today would complete the first step in that long journey.
*Mom and Dad will be totally surprised when I tell them I passed the flight test. If I pass it!*
The tension that you get across from the beginning pulls one into the story; it makes me wonder whether some kind of horrible accident is about to happen. I was a little confused by the mental monologue, especially as it turns out to be Chris’s thoughts but appears before we even know that Chris exists. The constant switch between a distant external narrator (giving us background information) and a deep internal monologue was rather jarring. I’d advise flagging the monologue more clearly so that we know who’s thinking it, and integrating more of the background information into the monologue/dialogue. For instance, instead of saying that Chris had worked hard all summer, you could have him think: ‘If I don’t get this right, the whole checkride will go down the drain. My whole summer wasted, mopping airport floors [or whatever he did].’ Again, we may not need to be told yet that he’s eighteen. It’s clear that he’s not a child, since he’s operating an airplane; it’s also clear that he’s not quite an adult, since this Thomas calls him ‘son’. We can find out exactly how old he is when it comes up naturally (say, someone asks him). I think the tension you already have would only be improved by making the narration and monologue/dialogue equally immediate.
Thanks, Ella. Good input. I’ll work on it–I really like your suggestion for incorporating some of the info as his thoughts.
Hi Jim. Just a thought, would it work to have “Forty-five hours of costly flight time and endless hours of study entitled Chris to this opportunity to prove his piloting skill. Sweat trickled down his face. His hands tightened on the control wheel.” as your opening paragraph instead of the dialogue. It immediately sets up the tension, conflict, motive.
Rae
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Possible Prologue (Note: don’t know if I should keep this)
Genre: YA urban fantasy
Lightning struck the Earth, lighting the whole country side. The rain is hammering into me with all its force. My feet slide on the drench grass. This doesn’t help with my balance at this time.
I should be at home resting, not out running in the rain. But I’ve run away from home. If I’d stayed, I would have disappointed my parents. I didn’t want to involve my twin sister, Jackie. And Drew, he was a whole new person since the day he came home naked, covered in blood.
I just left the only person I trust right now… Dr. Trueman. He’s the only person who knows my secret. I pat my belly.
“Everything will be fine.” I say. But just as I said that, I can’t feel my body. My hand goes to my stomach.
“Look who we got here, Gale.” A male voice calls.
I knew this awful voice anywhere. The same voice that took my Mark away from me. The same monster that made him get together with that other girl. The same beast almost everyone hates in Mark’s world. Then, that ugly creature appears from nowhere. He has for years. That’s how I meet him.
He’s in a long, thick black cloak. His jet-black hair is cut short though his bangs, dripping with water, still covers his dark blue, almost black, eyes. Something glistens in his belt inside the cloak. A man in a white lab coat walks up behind him.
He had fine blonde, almost white, hair.
It looks like you want to write in the present tense but there are several places where you use past.
Example…The first sentence should be “lightning strikes..” if you want to be in present tense.
Example…Second paragraph…”And Drew, he is…”
Example…The last sentence. “He has fine blonde, almost white, hair.
This is scattered with past, present and other tenses I can’t place. It’s really jarring for readers. You also introduce too many people in too short a time, I was really confused by the time someone started talking. I feel like this could be really interesting with those tenses fixed, though.
Thanks! I’m still pretty early in the editing process and haven’t really had a chance to fully look over it.
Sorry. This takes place on July 17,1996 with Carrie narrating.
You set up an interesting action-scene right away, which is good, but I think you need to be careful of your tone: I found the overall effect intensely amusing, actually, because many of the protagonist’s thoughts tend toward either bathos or humorous overstatement. To begin with, the final sentence of the first paragraph undercuts the tension and danger of the preceding sentences. Surely slipping on drenched (watch for typos!) grass is going to impair the protagonist’s balance; telling us so, and in an understated way, has an air of the absurd. The same goes for the line about Drew (where ‘was’ should be ‘has been’, I think), which is jarringly comical. The line about the protagonist being unable to feel her body is again either funny or simply unintelligible: of course she can feel her body; she has just touched her stomach! Does this mean she cannot feel her skin? If not, it is a very strange image indeed, and shouldn’t be thrown in without explanation or introduction (which would not, I think, fit well into the first page). The most extreme instance, though, is in the paragraph on Mark: You set us up to assume that the speaker (who proves not to be a monster but a man, or so the physical description implies; i.e. a monster only in moral terms) is going to be a heinously wicked person, even a murderer. Then you deflate that assumption, telling us that his great crime is to cause a break up between this man and his (apparently) pregnant girlfriend! A sin, maybe, or maybe not, but don’t the protagonist’s thoughts seem disproportionate in either case? And what does ‘in Mark’s world’ mean? Is he from an alternate universe, or is he merely living in fantasy-land? It might be good to rephrase that statement for clarity.
In sum, my thought would be that you should cut or tone down these particular elements, or else capitalize upon them: you might have a decent parody of YA fiction in the making, which is no bad thing.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA urban fantasy
For the last couple of weeks, I’ve been followed by this strange, cute guy. I don’t really mind but it’s still strange. Yet that’s not the weirdest thing about it. When I try to show someone, he disappears. I see him once every day.
I remember the first time I saw him. It was at school during lunch. I just finished my lunch and the rest of my friends were already gone or still talking to their other friends. Bored out of my mind, I decided to go walking around. The hallways were crowded with students. I head to the library for the book I want which was finally there.
I soon find myself outside. I’ve never been outside during school hours without adult supervision. It felt good to be outside, like I was free. I head to the greenhouse. I heard there was pretty flowers that you never seen before. That’s when I first saw him.
He was leaning against the railing on the hill where the students park their cars, which was right next to the greenhouse, his tan arms folded over his chest. He wore all black but his jacket, which was light grey. His golden-blond hair, which fell over the most beautiful mid-blue eyes, shined in the sun. You could see it for miles. I freeze like ice. He looks up through his luxurious lashes, putting long spider-like shadows over his high angular cheekbones. Then, the most gorgeous half-smile spreads across his face. That chin of his was square and muscular. He pushes himself off the railing and walks toward me.
I’m hate to say this, but to me, a mysterious, good-looking guy is a YA fantasy cliche. The narrative voice also feels a tiny bit . . . off. She’s saying things, but I can’t really feel the personality behind them. Maybe you could start at the beginning of ‘the last couple weeks’, before the day she meets the guy? Introduce the MC more, and make readers like her. At this point, all I know is that she (I’m assuming it’s a she) doesn’t mind being followed by a stranger.
I see what you mean about the whole mysterious, good-looking guy cliche. When I first wrote this, I had read a handful of YA fantasy. Since then, I’ve advanced and have noticed this in several YA fantasies. I’ll work on the voice. I’m thinking about switching part of chapter 2 with this. Maybe
This is 17 years later with Karah narrating.
Is this YA Urban Fantasy, or YA romance with fantasy elements? It’s reading like a romance so far.
The thing that bothers me most is the tense change. I’m assuming that most of the book is written in present tense, but that this flashback is meant to be in past tense. You waver back and forth.
I like the story you are starting to tell here though not sure which direction it will go. Is there a possible romance? Or does he turn out to be a bad guy, like a stalker? Or maybe he is a ghost only she sees. I’m interested enough to keep reading to see where it goes.
I do feel you could tighten up your writing a bit by combining much of the action and thoughts. For example, your second paragraph could become one single, but more complex sentence… here’s an extreme example of what I mean:
“The first time I saw him was at school after lunch, when my friends had drifted off, and I, bored out of my mind, had headed out through the crowded halls toward the library, but found myself instead, outside, free and without adult supervision, and it was there, over by the greenhouse, surround by such pretty flowers, that I first saw him.”
I always love a good, mysterious guy:) Maybe break up the lengthly description of him in the last paragraph and add it into the chapter in bits and pieces. I would also love more on why she is so drawn to him, more showing her emotions when she sees him. Great start though, I think he is a ghost!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Young Adult Horror
Dust swirls around in cursive when I kick tiny pebbles across the parking lot. Potholes litter the less used portion of the blacktop, and I hang back waiting for a lull in customer activity. Frank Allen is working the register, letting his son stock the shelves because his kid has been useless at small talk lately; missing his cue for “Did you find everything okay?”, and always forgetting the “Have a great day.” Through the wall of glass windows I watch a few people dart around the modest convenient store, grabbing staples and alcohol, before heading home for dinner. I haven’t seen Mabel all day.
Grass at the edge of the lot rustles, inches from my feet. Something flashes in the corner of my eye, and I jump back when I see a black snake swim into the high grass. I shake out my hands that I’ve tangled anxiously at my mouth while waiting. My nails, jagged from chewing them so much, catch on my shirt when I straighten it. I have to get a job. I have to get myself out of this town. Eventually.
The bell above the door rings when I walk in. As soon as he sees me his face turns somber and apologetic. He doesn’t like Mabel, not too many people do, but I’m not my sister. My hands move automatically to my side-swept waves of dark brown hair, and I wring them, spinning it all into one bulky spiral, then swallow hard. “Mr. Allen?”
This is really great! I love how I’m pulled into the story. I want to know who Mabel is right away. There was one line I had to read a few times. Maybe its just me ” My hands move automatically to my side-swept waves of dark brown hair,” she swept the waves? After I read it I understood she was putting her hair up but it was confusing at first.
🙂 Good luck with this.. its great!
Hi Amanda ;o)
I must be honest was a bit confused throughout. It seemed to jump suddenly from one scene to another without much explanation. Not to worry, I worked my way through. I liked the first line then… Am I in car, no, a shop? Am I a visitor or an employee? I found this transition really confusing.
Is it relevant that we need to visit the store?
I also wasn’t sure if the MC was male or female, at first I assumed the MC was male. Not sure why, but just felt male.
Maybe, someone could call her by a name she doesn’t like so she says my name is …..not Mable. Will slot in nicely in the last paragraph.
I like the ideas, and I feel with work that you can get story on track. It’s mainly remembering that the reader doesn’t see/understand anything until you lay the foundations, including smooth transitions.
I’m intrigued, and want to know more about Mable. Why doesn’t anyone like her? What is their relationship like, as sisters?
Below, I’ve re-worked some bits just to give you a feel of what I mean. You don’t have to take any on board, purely suggestions, hope it helps :o)
Dust swirls into the air like blasting whirlwinds as I kick tiny pebbles across the parking lot. Home of the modest convenient store, aka, large prison cell, and here I am ready to serve my daily sentence, otherwise known as work shift.
Once inside, I hang back as usual, waiting for a lull in customer activity. Frank Allen, my boss, is working the register while his son is stocking the shelves. He’d been demoted, mainly because the kid was useless at small talk, missing the all important customer care that Frank always moaned about..
I stare out of the enormous, dusty windows, and it was then that it hit me, I hadn’t seen Mabel all day, the thought stayed with me until closing.
As I walk from the store, I hear a rustle from the grass verge, inches from my feet. Something flashes in the corner of my eye. I jump back, heart thumping when I see a black snake swim into the high grass. I shake out my hands which were momenterily tangled anxiously at my mouth. My nails then catch on my shirt. I hate it when that happens, still, that’s what you get with the habit of nail-biting, they become jagged. I have to get myself out of this town, and I will…eventually.
I decide to visit ? The bell above the shop door rings when I walk in. The shop keeper’s face turns somber, then apologetic. He mistook me for Mabel, who he didn’t care for, not many people did, but I’m not my sister. I swallow hard. “Mr. Allen?”
Sorry typo, head hurts, lol ********momentarily****
Sorry you had a hard time following that!
Not sure how to fix it though. Your rewrite completely changed almost every element of the story, not sure what I would choose out of those suggestions. :-p. I’ll see what I can do …
It might just be me, Amanda. Laura was fine with it :o) These critiques are just showing how different people perceive the information given. Please don’t make any major adjustments to your ms on my suggestions, it’s only one perception and I’m a newbie :o)
I love “dust swirls around in cursive”. I think it might help if you mention the location in the first sentence rather than later in the paragraph, such as, “…when I kick tiny pebbles across the parking lot of the convenience store. I like the part about Mr. Allen’s son missing his cues.
In the next paragraph, “tangled” seems like a strange verb to use. Also, the part about her shaking out her hands and straightening her shirt make her seem fidgety and nervous, which is okay, but it doesn’t feel right to have her do those things right after being startled by the snake. I would go with one or the other: Snake scares her and she thinks about how she has to get out of this god-forsaken town, or nervously fidgeting while she waits.
It’s not until the last part that I know for sure the MC is a girl. Maybe have some clues in the 1st paragraph, so we know earlier.
I think you have some good stuff here- a unique way of describing things and a beginning that puts questions in the reader”s head and makes them want to know more about this character and what’s up with Mabel. Hope the suggestions are helpful.
Hi Amanda – I too loved the line ‘dust swirls in cursive.” I was not confused. I liked Julie’s suggestion for identifying the location sooner: ‘parking lot of the convenience store.’ You could put a period after because his kid as been useless at small talk lately. He keeps missing cues for “Did you find everything okay?”, and “Have a great …”
There was a comment about the gender of the storyteller. At the end of the third paragraph, putting hair up into a spiral, makes me guess it’s a female. Perhaps you drop a gender clue during the Grass at the edge of the ‘parking’ lot rustles, inches from my feet scene. (What type of shoes are worn. We’d know it was chick lit if you said inches from my Jimmy Chui’s!)
We’ve been tasked with becoming armchair editor’s/critics. Naturally everyone has a different opinion as to how something could be worded. Your response to Tracey’s rewrite amused me since it ‘completely changed almost every element of the story.’ Tracey, bless her, did a great job of rewriting mine as well. Her treatment was fantastic, but what I find hilarious is that it moved it away from sounding like chick-lit, turning it into something more somber, and definitely a different genre. I completely rewrote the first 300 words, not bothering with music this time round. It made me think of when we try to rewrite for someone else, it’s like having an opera singer try to sing a country song – it will still sound like opera, and vice versa. Peace.
Lol ;o)
I know, it’s weird isn’t it, I start adapted critique in my own voice…. Hence, don’t go and do alterations on only one person’s perception. It’s the rule I use with my beta readers, 80/20 rule. Otherwise it can all start getting out of proportion/totally confusing.
***Giggled at this, absolutely right, Rae:
It made me think of when we try to rewrite for someone else, it’s like having an opera singer try to sing a country song – it will still sound like opera, and vice versa.
Lol, okay,so I guess I’m that somber one **wink wink **
Love and light, Trace
The next part of the story is her asking for a job.. So the nervousness is leading up to that 🙂
Hi Amanda. You describe your scenes in great detail and do so very well. The problem I have is how you string these descriptions together. I feel I jump from one scene to another but I can’t follow the story. I given examples of what I’m talking about. Dust swirls around in cursive when. Maybe it’s just me, but this doesn’t sound right. missing his cue for “Did you find everything okay?”, and always forgetting the “Have a great day.” How did your MC know this? You have done a great job describing the scene but I’m not sure you’re giving enough information to the reader about why the MC is watching this store in particular. I haven’t seen Mabel all day. Who’s Mabel? Again, I think you need to provide the reader with some information. his face turns somber and apologetic….Why?
automatically…do you mean instinctively? Good luck with your story?
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Mystery/ Bildungsroman
It had been one of those sick and twisted turns that life tends to throw our way. Fate was known to be cruel. But this went well beyond that. This bordered on the perverse. To take something so important to a boy, so integral to his being, the symbol of his very existence, and flip it on end and change it’s meaning forever…well, for that I could never forgive.
They had named me Otto. Growing up, people loved to try and guess the origin. First time introductions at a new friend’s house became routine. Standing alongside my new buddy in front of his father, hidden behind a splayed newspaper. Then a sudden snap as it folded in half, inquisitive eyes peering out from over the top of spectacles.
“Otto? Is that German?,” he’d say, rustling the paper.
“No, sir.”
“Finnish then. Or Swedish, maybe.”
“No, sir.”
Confusion on his face. But then the wife would come over, place a hand on his shoulder while smiling at me. Our mothers had already spoken, needing to approve the play time. Of course, the topic had been discussed.
“Dear, it’s pronounced ‘oht-toh’. It’s Italian,” she’d say, then nod to us. “You boys run along now.”
And we would, bolting outside to go play whatever sport was in season. But on our way out, I’d hear the epiphany, “Oht-toh?…Like the number?”
Yes. Like the number.
Once the moniker of my life.
Now, the calling card for my death.
Eight.
The last two lines are great! What a hook. I’d drop the whole first paragraph, though. It’s too abstract—I feel like it belongs more at the end or middle of a chapter than at a beginning.
The only other question I have is why the dad would be mispronouncing the name. Did he read it somewhere (where?) and pronounce it “Ot-toe” or did he hear it pronounced by his kid, correctly, and then mispronounce it back?
Maybe start it:
I stood alongside my new buddy in front of his father, who was hidden behind a splayed newspaper. A sudden snap as it folded in half, inquisitive eyes peering out from over the top of spectacles.
“Oht-toh?…Like the number?” the man asked, finally pronouncing my name correctly.
Yes. Like the number.
Otto—Once the moniker of my life.
Now, the calling card for my death.
Eight.
Thank you for this. I read it before going to bed last night so that my subconscious could ponder on it. I’m definitely eliminating the first paragraph and I think I’ve found a more intriguing way to open.
Yeah I agree about the first paragraph. I fell in love with the idea of dropping in a clue to the reader right away via a play on words. I’ll find another place for it.Thanks.
About the name…This is a great question, In my mind, everyone calls him Ot-toe because that’s the “american” version. So the father pronounces it just like everyone else. The mother having spoken to his mother has learned the correct pronunciation, which Otto himself never uses. But I could explain that better. Or maybe just have the dad mispronounce it by reading it as you suggested. Maybe Otto is wearing a jersey with his name on it, etc
Great feedback, thanks.
I love the explanation of his name and how you describe it! Fantastic story! I love to read YA and I’ll put this one on my list!
Thank you Laura. It’s my first story so I’m glad to see some positve feedback. I believe if you have a story to tell, you’ll find a way. Just got to keep at it.
Very smooth, strong, active opening, and your narrator’s voice and the tone of the story are great — perfect for this genre.
I agree with Lara that you could lop off that opening paragraph and lose nothing. The passive nature of the line ‘They had named me Otto,’ to me, would be stronger if you took out ‘had.’ “They named me Otto.” Still past tense, but more immediate than past perfect. The discussion about pronunciation — both in the text and in the comments afterward — confused me a little bit. The Italian pronunciation for Otto sounds similar to ‘auto,’ doesn’t it, with a harder t? To me, there aren’t that many ways you can mispronounce the name, but maybe I’m just off track. You may want to provide a phonetic spelling of the father’s pronunciation, as well, to clarify where the problem lies. In any case, I don’t think you need to go so far as to give the MC a sweatshirt with his name on it… People pronounce things wrong all the time even after hearing something, particularly if there are subtle distinctions between pronunciations.
The end is wonderfully foreboding, and really has me curious to read more. A great hook for a YA mystery. Nicely done!
Jen, thank you for your kind words. I like the idea about the first line, and it does sound stronger…not as old-fashioned either.
I will need to clarify the pronunciation thing. The american version is said with a wide mouth and a moving jaw and sounds like “Auto”. The italian version is said with a narrow mouth and without moving the jaw. At least that’s how I hear the difference. Hmmm… maybe I can use that in the story, lol.
Also, I read your story and loved it. I didn’t comment becasue your skill level is far above mine so any critque on my part would be guessing. Great job.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
LOOK IT IN THE EYES-HOR/FAN
Someone once said that the only certainties in life are Death and Taxes, for us they were one and the same. Every year a demon- no- a horror came and killed 5% of our population. If there was a decimal they would round up. I grew up Ozwald Hern in a small village. Traders and Tax Collectors called it A30; we called it Eastwood, after an ancient dramatist.
According to my Aunt Lola the first citizens of Eastwood were given a location and told to build. At the time Eastwood was the abandoned ruin of a town. The Horrors had tried to wipe the slate clean. They succeeded for the most part, but there a few artifacts were left. The first Mayor found an old poster for an older movie; on the front of the poster was a man in a Stenson with a heading reading, “CLINT EASTWOOD STARS IN…”. The Mayor saw it, smiled, and nicknamed the town Eastwood.
The citizens of Eastwood utilized the foundations and roads the Horrors had left. They built up and around the concrete ruins. When they ran out of materials they chopped down trees from the surrounding forest, but left the woods to the east intact.
At the first town meeting the citizens established rules for sacrifices.
I think your last line should be your first line 🙂
I agree.
Great writing! What Genre? Fantasy I’d guess or dystopia? I do really love the last line !
Your last line is sensational.
According to my Aunt Lola flows smoothly, but ‘The first Mayor’ sounds more like a history lesson. Would ‘Aunt Lola says the first Mayor’, or ‘She says the first Mayor’ continue that flow?
Sounds great – would definitely keep reading.
I wonder whether this would be stronger if you showed and didn’t tell. I agree that your last line could be your first–awesome–but then, what if you actually go live to the meeting where they ARE establishing the rules. Don’t give us the backstory–feed in teeny bits of info as the villagers talk and argue.
It seems like a great set up for a story, but I don’t need all this info fed to me up front.
The basic idea is an interesting one, and I like the nod to contemporary bureaucracy. Nevertheless, I think that you need to be careful of a couple of things: first, be certain to clean up your punctuation and sentence structures (e.g. a semi-colon or a period in place of the first comma; ‘I grew up Ozwald Hern’ is a strange thing to say in English, at least, unless the point is that he doesn’t use English the same way we do; in that case, however, much more would likely be different); second, I think the events of the second paragraph are far too compressed. It seems to me that you are trying to fit in the entire back-story right away, which would either be left unstated or else moved to a later point in the book. You should perhaps try to draw the reader in more strongly, for example by showing the protagonist’s own experience of the latest tax/death-collection, in the process (or afterward) slowly making it clear to us where and when this is happening.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Contemporary Southern Literary, Family Saga
Gracie Peden had already put in a full day’s worth of work by the time Sonny lowered her down on the tobacco setter and began to rip open the earth. Her body, exhausted, beyond complaint, worked in unison with the machine, as essential to its purpose as the carousel steadily spinning beside her, its requests on double time given the second seat being empty. It was her mind that threatened the smoothness of the planting operation, the way it wandered through the shadows of blue and black, seeking the first fingers of sunlight to seep through the mapled woods. She knew not to look as gold seared a path across the field, and forced herself instead to concentrate on threading each tiny tobacco start into the setter’s grip, letting the flow of their promise slip from her hands into the future her husband scratched into the ground below. For a farm wife would not look, would not need to witness as dawn discovered steam lifting from the body in the grass beyond the field. For even in death, this was the way farm days were measured, one after the other, beginning at the end, seamless from the night before.
Your writing is very poetical, and on the whole you do a good job of concentrating on describing the scene. I don’t think you ever slip into ‘telling’. This is a good habit to keep up. However, I had some trouble understanding what’s happening and had to read three or four times before I decided that Sonny and Gracie Peden are planting tobacco, and someone else is dead. (At first I thought it was Gracie who was dead.) Perhaps it would help if you rethought what you’re trying to say and made it a little less ornate and a little more explicit. For instance, the two sentences ‘Her body …. mapled woods’ set up an implicit contrast between her physical and mental interaction with her work. Try making that contrast more explicit: ‘It was not the ache in her tired hands that made her almost [how does a tobacco setter work? what exactly is she doing? insert here some small slip that she could make that also gives us a more straightforward image of the machine’s workings]. Those hands could work as steadily as the spinning carousel, threading tobacco starts into its grip twice as quickly to make up for the empty seat beside her. No, it was her mind that…’ etc. A pair of sentences like this could make the scene much clearer for us; it also places a little more emphasis on that empty seat, which is good if it was left empty by the dead person.
Keep in mind that the average reader has absolutely no idea how tobacco is planted or what a tobacco setter is (at first I thought it was a kind of chair).
Thanks Ella. I appreciate your feedback, especially the suggestion to making the contrast more explicit. My writing style is to hint at things in the beginning that won’t be completely explained until later in a chapter – like a fuller description of a tractor/tobacco setter, that they’re having trouble getting others to help plant, and that they had to put their cow down after spending all night pulling its calf. I need the whole chapter to immerse the reader into this farm couple’s life… but, as you indicate, I do need to make sure the reader will get to the end of the chapter. Thank you.
A very interesting scene, but a little confusing in the telling. I may be wrong, but I get the impression that you are trying to set up a link between Gracie’s body, the earth, and perhaps also a second, dead body. This is an interesting set of connections, and potentially a provocative one, but they make for confusing story-telling in a novel (in a poem they might be more easily at home). The apparent absorption of Gracie’s body into the working of the machine is more easily grasped and for that reason easier to appreciate. A few other aspects contribute to the obscurity of this opening: the use of the name Sonny for someone who is, apparently, her husband, the impressionistic description of Gracie’s thoughts, and a slight inclarity in the timing (is she working late in the evening or in the morning? Clearly the latter, so maybe ‘had already worked through the night’ or ‘put in a full night’s work’ is better, despite the pedestrian quality of the former and the unusual idiom of the latter). In any case, good work; just a few things to iron out.
Thank you for your feedback…
I hadn’t thought about the name Sonny in terms of Gracie’s thoughts. It is just a common guy’s nickname in the farming community I am using to base my story… maybe because many farms are being worked by fathers and sons. But I love that you pointed that out, and I might be able to work it into the symbolism of the story.
And you’re suggestion about the confusing elements. I personally love novels that start off with more questions than answers, but after going through some of my favorite novels (i.e. The Poisonwood Bible, The Road, Lolita, Sophie’s Choice, A Farewell To Arms, The Grapes of Wrath) I think you’re right that I probably need to clarify some elements to get the reader to the end of the chapter.
(And yes, they are planting early morning after having spent all night tending to something else on the farm).
Oh, and I just need to add to my favorites list the opening page of Rushdie’s The Satanic Verses. It floored me the first time I read it, though I could only grasp pieces of what was going on. Since I am not a master at writing like Rushdie, I understand why its probably better that I clarify a few elements.
Geez!?! “you’re” should be “your”… as a writer, I need to catch those things…
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Young Adult Fantasy
Nights were cold in the heart of the city. Wind burst through the spaces between the mud-brick dwellings and sent sand flying sideways into the streets. Sand was everywhere.
The buildings cast shadows from the moon, and Pari used the pockets of darkness to hide in as she crept alongside the sleepy residences. They didn’t notice when she cowered silently in their doorways, as the wind cut through the alleys at blinding speeds. Most of the villagers were in the mines, working through the night while the temperatures were mild and tolerable.
Pari crept along the streets, shielding herself when necessary, as she made her way to the High Temple’s wall. The sand was rough on her feet, but she was accustomed to not wearing shoes; she’d never had enough money for frivolous things. Not even when she had an adult to care for her.
Doorway to doorway she ran, until she was touching the smooth quartz of the temple walls. She tried to slow her racing heart, but it beat erratically in her chest, like the enchanted rocks street magicians sold to small children. Images of her brothers, begging to purchase the hopping magical rocks, flickered in her memory, steeling her to continue her mission. Whatever fears she had disappeared, and they were replaced with the ever present desire to do right by her brothers. The wall stretched out before her as she ran toward a far corner, the corner opposite the main entrance.
The enclosed grounds of High Temple…
You seem to have a tense and exciting situation here; I’m certainly curious about her mission and her brothers. I think you could clean up the opening to bring across this tension more clearly. Essentially, you want to cut everything that drags or distracts from the tension and put all of the necessary information into language that pulls us along with Pari. For instance, rather than spend your most valuable lines on the climate and weather, try starting with some action of Pari’s that shows her furtiveness, anxiety, and haste. If you have more time, you could try to tighten and liven up the wording. For instance, ‘disappeared, and they were replaced with’ could be said ‘gave way to’. ‘Beating erratically’ is a cliché that you could replace with something more descriptive; and how does one try to slow a racing heart? Perhaps: ‘Her heart pounded in her throat. She took a long breath, but it still throbbed, like the enchanted rocks…’ How do the enchanted rocks beat? Is it a pulse that can be felt, like a heartbeat, or a pulse of light? Show us anything we can see, so we can feel that we’re out there with Pari, running through the night.
Thanks! Great points! 🙂