Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA – Speculative Fiction
I crash through my bedroom door and drop my backpack with a thud. What a week. It was pop quick after pop quiz and to top it off another essay assignment. I let out a deep breath as I flop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling. To make matters worse, my mom wants to get me a tutor. She even had some guy stop by the house tonight ‘just to say hi.’ He seems nice enough. But he is old enough to be my grandpa and his breath smelt like salami. The memory of it makes my stomach churn. I have to figure a way out of it. I put my arms behind my head to use as a pillow when the hot pepper smell from under my arms burns my nostrils. I need a long hot shower. I get up from my bed and stumble on my flip flops on the way to the bathroom. Stupid shoes always get in the way. I turn on the shower and wait for it to heat up. I jerk my hand back when the tepid water hits my skin. I throw my head back in defeat. Can my night get any worse? I know mom has to get ready for work but does she always have to use all the hot water. I lift my arms again and I know not taking a shower is not an option. I quickly jump in before it gets any colder.
quick should be quiz I think.
To me this seems like an ordinary day/life of a teen. The idea that mom used up the hot water just doesn’t draw me in as a reader. What is the main conflict of the story? If it is just a teenager complaining about her life, that is not enough to draw me in. Sorry.
David,
Thank you! I have been debating on this opening so this insight it very helpful! Thank you!
I am completely drawn into this. I love your energy and your voice. I like that you simply started out with a bad day. It flows and seems natural. It’s refreshing to read a story that isn’t trying so hard to hit me over the head with a drummed up problem. I like the pacing. I can identify with this girl. I can really connect with your easy, light writing style.
Linda,
Thank you so much! I am still debating if it is enough to draw someone in, so I appreciate your perspective!
I tried to reply on my phone but I don’t think it worked. I wanted to say thank you Linda! I have been debating this opening so it is good to get your feedback! I appreciate your time!
I feel it is a little bitty and not very natural, I think its because it is all in the present tense even when its obvious the character is thinking about the past, id but for example (I crash through my bedroom door and drop my backpack that makes a thud as it hits the floor. I cant stop thinking how horrible its been, pop quiz after pop quiz all week and now another stupid essay assignment. letting out a deep breath I flop onto my bed and stare at the ceiling, I cant believe my mom got a tutor to come over to meet me earlier, shore the guy seemed nice enough but he’s old enough to be my grandpa and his breath smelt like salami, oh my stomach is churning just by the memory…)
Hope this helps if not just ignore it
Good luck to all and don’t stop writing ^_^”
Complains a lot, but I know this is typical teenage behavior but from my experience readers complain about this in all books. I would show the main character in a different light first, then you can make him a bit whiny. Also I didn’t get a good visual from the descriptions. It was the food comparisons maybe try comparing BO to something besides. hot pepper, that was where it all fell apart for me. I wasn’t drawn in, sorry.
What about starting with the shower? The main character (I’m assuming it’s a guy because of the BO) turns the faucet knobs and gets showered with icy cold. Then you’d have a bit more action. I do think the complaining goes on a little too long. You have the word “on” three times in three sentences, starting with “I get up from my bed and stumble on my flipflops on…” If it’s a guy, I’m not sure he’d think long…just hot. “I jerk my hand back…I throw my head back…” seems a little robotic. You might be able to add a little comedy to the scene if you have him thinking about the tutor while in the shower and then reacting to how weird it is he’s having that thought while he’s naked. Also, instead of “smelt,” use smelled. I think with a little work, this could be a fantastic opening!
This is a very interesting story line. I love the details. I love the plot. My only thing is that it does seem a little ordinary. I think you’d make a much stronger impact if you opened with showing some of these things that have just happened…like the older guy who just stopped by and her mother telling her that she wants her to get a tutor…instead of just telling. It would be more compelling. But so far, so good. Very interesting.
I think that you should start with more action. There’s a lot happening in this scene but it doesn’t really seem like it has to do with the main conflict of the story. I think the solution would be to start at a different point in the story. Maybe further along?
I think you have a good voice.
Hope this helps! 🙂
As a writer who is an actual teen, can I just say: Please don’t start a novel with the character complaining about school?
Yes Hailey… Thank you! Your comment made me smile!
Ann, I read through your submission but couldn’t get a feel for the story. Maybe, it’s because the words flow into each other with no breaks. What are you trying to convey to the reader? Is something spectacular going to happen to this girl? You’ve let the reader into this girl’s world now you have to tell them why that is important? Good luck with your story.
The only thing that really caught my eye was the quick/quiz typo and the use of enough twice very close together. Nice enough. But he is old enough — Otherwise I really liked the story a lot and the voice is great!
As others have said, I don’t feel that there is enough going on here that would draw me in. I quite like the writing style and don’t dislike the scene in general but I think you could come up with a much stronger opening.
At the moment all I really know about the character is that they go to school. There seems to be a lot of information about what is going on but they don’t actually tell us anything about the character or the plot. Has she passed or failed her pop quiz? Is another essay assignment annoying because she has a date with a boy? Does she need a tutor to maintain her A+ average, or to help her to scrape a pass with a C? (I say she because it sounds like a female, but I can’t be sure.) The information you convey has potential but it hasn’t been fully utilised.
I find it a little difficult to sympathise with the character too. School assignments, a potential tutor and her mum using all the hot water don’t sound so horrid that her night couldn’t get any worse. Again I could by more sympathetic with more information: failing school assignments, need a tutor so she’s not kicked out, no hot water but needs a shower for her date. At the moment it sounds a little whiny without any extra information. I need to know her motivations beforehand.
One of the most important things about novel scenes is that they all must move the story forward, but I’m not sure how this does (although, I don’t know the full story). If you remember the genre guessing game, you should get a grasp of the genre, plot and tone from the first couple hundred words but I don’t quite get this impression.
I think you have great potential in writing, but this opening didn’t draw me in. I think it would be most beneficial to start at a more exciting scene, with action in the present, and to give more information.
Thank you everyone! I wasn’t sold on this as a starting point for my story and you have all helped me decide it is just not a good fit. I appreciate you all taking the time to provide your feedback. Back to the drawing board! 🙂
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre:Science Fiction
Gary placed a bouquet of lilacs, her favorite, in front of the granite stone. He bent over and traced each letter of the engraved name with his fingers. M-A-R-Y N-E-A-L. Images of a white sheet being pulled back, flashed in his mind.
He fell to his knees and wept, trying to push the horrid memories from his thoughts, but they were embedded there like an inoperable tumor. Why couldn’t he picture her dimpled smile and the way her eyes lit up when she told him she loved him?
That image was veiled in shadows, hidden behind the guilt, and years of dark thoughts, of how he had killed her. There was one way to make penance and stop the blackened thoughts that plagued his entire being. He had to find the genes that controlled human behavior and fix them.
He took one more look at her grave before hopping in his car. He hit the accelerator and his red Lexus bolted forward. Heading west he pulled the visor down to block the blinding rays of the sun as it disappeared below the horizon. A few miles later with the city lights fading behind him, he turned onto a bumpy dirt road and passed the remains of a dilapidated factory. The burned out buildings in front hid his animal research lab from cars passing on the main road.
“…of how he had killed her” is a line that caught my attention right away. If you could move it up, maybe even to the first or second line, you could grab the reader at the start. “Gary placed a bouquet of lilacs, her favorite, in front of the granite stone. (New paragraph) He’d killed her.” Then continue with the tracing of her name with his fingers in another new paragraph. I’m guessing he killed her indirectly in some way? I also think you could move “There was one way to make penance…” up more because it’s very interesting. Play with placement. I like the pattern of action then thought, action, thought, at least to get the reader invested. I’m not sure if I’m crazy about “…but they were embedded there like an inoperable tumor.” It’s something that I stopped to reread and felt was out of place, a simile for the sake of putting one in. To avoid “He did this and this” sentence constructions in your last paragraph, could you cut words? Maybe “He hit the accelerator, bolting his red Lexus forward.” I also think the casual mention of “A few miles later” passes too much time. What is he doing or thinking about as he heads west? Your last paragraph has some long sentences. Can you sandwich them between shorter sentences to vary the flow for the reader? I would read on. I didn’t expect him to have an animal research lab. I also want to know how he killed this lady.
Thanks for the thoughts. You made some valid points. He didn’t physically kill her.
This is the update.
Images of a white sheet being pulled back, flashed in Gary’s mind. He fell to his knees and wept, trying to push the horrid memories from his thoughts, but they were embedded there. Why couldn’t he picture her dimpled smile and the way her eyes lit up when she told him she loved him?
That image was veiled in shadows, hidden behind the guilt, and years of dark thoughts, of how he had killed her. There was one way to make penance and stop the blackened thoughts that plagued his entire being. He had to find the genes that controlled human behavior and fix them.
He placed a bouquet of lilacs, her favorite, in front of the granite stone. He bent over, tracing each letter of the engraved name with his fingers. M-A-R-Y N-E-A-L.
He took one more look at her grave before hopping in his car. He hit the accelerator and his red Lexus bolted forward. He turned onto a bumpy dirt road and passed the remains of a dilapidated factory. The burned out buildings hid his animal research lab from cars passing on the main road.
This opening really grabbed my attention because of the emotional connection. I think that you could make it even stronger by adding in a killer first line that encompasses what he’s feeling and really draw the reader in.
I really like this line, “but they were embedded there like an inoperable tumor” so something like to.
Or maybe just a little rearranging.
Good job!
Hope this helps! 🙂
It pulled me in pretty well at the start but It started to lose me in the car, as I didn’t really care if the sun was in his eyes and whether there was a turn off to a dirt road, I would condense that part just putting in the important parts maybe something like (He hit the accelerator and left the city, the sun disappeared below the horizon as he pulled up to his animal research lab, hidden from passing cars behind the remains of a dilapidated factory…)
Hope this helps ^_^”
Valid points, thanks.
Gary, you do a great job pulling the reader into this man’s grief and guilt. I know the MC didn’t kill his wife, right? The story, in my opinion, goes flat ….He hit the accelerator….you pulled me away from the tension. A suggestion for you to consider. Instead of telling the reader he’s driving to a dilapidated factory why don’t you start a new chapter and take the reader back in time to the beginning. Good luck with your story.
This is a very captivating story. I love how he traces her name and we know who she is 🙂 The descriptions really stand out and I think you did a fantastic job with putting the mood in it. 🙂
I felt really pulled in, in the beginning, by this opening. I want to know about how he killed her and what made him do it. I do feel somewhat as though the grave scene is just something out in there to give you a dramatic opening. He is not there very long, nothing really happens in the graveyard other than reminiscing and then he leaves in his car. It makes me think that either that scene should be cut out or extended so something worthwhile happens in the graveyard as at the moment it feels like it is only there for the readers purpose – to give a bit of back story.
I think the opening conveys very well the genre, tone and what the plot may be. It gives the character some depth, by revealing his guilt, and shows his motivation – to find a cure. I think the first half of the opening has great potential and I feel it should be extended to give it the credit it deserves.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Epic Fantasy
The summer heat had really hit the southern coast of Spain, and like many others around them, six friends had sought refuge in their favourite Tetería, a type of arabic tea-lounge, it was a dark room with dim lighting, the walls were white with hanging wooden panels decorated with intricate patterns, on one side of the room low level tables were sat on colourful patterned rugs surrounded by small wooden stalls, the other side had several booths separated by richly coloured light fabric drapings, inside of which there were also low tables on rugs but this time surrounded by small low leather bean bags. The group of friends had claimed their favourite spot in the corner booth and after they had all browsed the menu Anna used it to fan herself, the others used whatever they had at hand, quite literally, as Dylan and Tara both used their hands as fans.
-Before I forget!- Emma said picking up her bag- Do you remember that last week we were talking about going away somewhere refreshing to relax?- All of her friends nodded as she put her hand in her bag- Well, I found this guide book the other day with loads of places to stay, both in the mountains and the lakes, they’ve got places with barbecues, horses and lots more. Some are only campsites so we need tents, but some have cabins.
-What can I get you? -Interrupted the waiter with an argentinean accent as he pulled back the fabric…
Great job setting the scene. Overall flow seems good too. Only suggestion would be to break up the first sentance. I tend to run into this problem myself.
Sentence. I run into that problem as well 🙂
Thanks for the feed back much appreciated.
You do a lot of describing the scene in the first paragraph and your first sentence is extremely long! For me I would rather the characters comment or interact with their surroundings instead of just being told about it. “The dim lights where a nice escape from the blistering heat of the sun.” “They walked past rows of tables with colorful patterned rugs on their way to their favorite spot.”
Don’t forget to use “quotes” when your characters speak.
I hope this helps!
Thanks Ann I was slightly censured how to break up that description and I think you may of just hit it on the nail, thanks.
oops not censured but concerned ^_^”
As an avid backpacker and someone who spent a lot of time in Spain, I like the setting and I’m excited for where the story is going. Some feedback I’d offer…
– I don’t think we need so much description of the teteria up front. It makes the really interesting place feel boring, with such a long description. I’d jump into the dialog right after “an arabic tea-lounge” and then sprinkle in details like “as he leaned back on the beanbag” and “she said as she stared at the ornate patterned rug”
– Emma’s little speech doesn’t feel quite natural. Can you picture someone actually saying all that, in one long stream? The content is there but I think it needs some tweaking to make it sound like the way someone would actually bring up the information.
– I love the detail about Anna using the menu as a fan. I might milk that image a bit more
I think my description is maybe to upfront as I thought most readers wouldn’t know what a Tetería was or looked like but I do agree its too much to soon so thanks. Emma’s speech I see what your saying, I think It need to be more natural too, I can see it now you’ve pointed it out, “its just like you’ve opened my eyes”. I think I maybe doing to much of this dreaded telling and not enough showing in this segment. Thanks
Too much descriptions in the first part, It didn’t catch my interest. Maybe try starting off with a conversation and add in the surroundings later on.Good luck!
Thanks Briana, hopefully ill get your interest on the second draft of the opening hehe 😉
Get prepared to be drown in!
I agree with some of the other comments above. I think you’ve done a very beautiful job at describing this scenery. I want to be here. But I feel that the way you’ve introduced your characters in that first line is a little weak with that very extended sentence. I think cut it the sentence in two would be great. I also think that yes, you can edit down some of the details in the opening paragraph so that you have more opportunity to show us more of your characters. There will of course be plenty more opportunities to add some details. I just feel like when you dump too much too soon, or in a single drop, it’s a lot and less effective. Do it gradually.
Other than that, you’re off to a great start. Want more 🙂
Thanks Amber glad you liked it, I agree it was a bit of an info dump, going to look into mixing it in with more of my characters as to allow there personas to be better portrayed at the start.
Sounds like a nice locale for your story. I think most of the critiquers already brought up how there is an overabundance of description in the first paragraph. Got to watch those run-on sentences, too. I appreciate the fact that you were trying to create a visual for the reader, but like you have learned, it’s best to work those descriptions into the action so the reader doesn’t zone out or skip it. Do that, and start the dialogue earlier, and it should be dramatically improved. I like the line about them using whatever they had at hand, literally. And, yes, make sure dialogue is in quotation marks. Ellen has that great blog post about punctuating dialogue. Hope we’ve helped you out.
Thanks Julie, I know before posting I needed to correct my dialog punctuations as I didn’t have a clue how to do them till I found Ellen’s wonderfully helpful post, its on my to do list, as I need to correct it all the way throw my novel I left it till after and hadn’t really noticed it was in the first 250 words, my bad on that one (haha an American expression used by an English man).
I’m intrigued to know exactly what you mean by “run-on sentences” as I’ve never herd that term before though I can guess.
Thanks for the feedback, its always appreciated. ^_^”
S. Coley, nice job setting up the scene but I think you went a little overboard. Unless this lounge is important to your story, perhaps a murder there, or something like that., heheh, I would suggest you weave the surroundings into the story instead of dumping it, In your first sentence, I don’t think you need “like many others around them, just say, …coast of Spain, six friends sought refuge in their favourite arabic tea lounge. You might want to tell the reader why they are meeting?
..-Interrupted the waiter with an argentinean accent as he pulled back the fabric… this sounds odd. Is it important for the reader to know the waiter is argentinean? Good luck with your story.
Thanks for the feed back some good points there, I think your main point is to “keep it short and to the point” not going of on a tangent when its not vital to the main plot.
P.S. I had never thought about letting the reader know why they meet, as it isn’t important to the main plot but you have pointed out to me how the reader would be wondering this as they are reading and that could be very frustrating not to find out, thanks for that. ^_^”
Your setting is beautifully described, and living in Spain myself, I truly appreciate the detail. It’s authentic and I can feel the heat. However, I’m probably biased 🙂 and it might strike others as too much detail. Maybe you could break it up and sprinkle the details in, rather than just list them. Maybe you could contract the terms, ‘the group of friends’ or ‘all of the friends’, as these seem excessive, we already know there are six of them, so you don’t need to stress the quantity so often. I’m unsure as to how you might recognise an Argentinian accent over other accents, perhaps I’m too accustomed to Spanish accents! Unless there is a definite need to have an Argentinian accent, I would suggest referring to a local dialect, ‘Andalusian’, given it takes place in Southern Spain. I would read on, as I am intrigued to see how the story develops. By the way, if you need any help in maintaining the Spanish feel, just let me know 🙂
As other people have said, the long description could probably wait and be sprinkled throughout the scene. I do love the description though, and I think it can be very valuable to have in your research. You can look back on it for continuity and can decide what parts to put through your scene or novel in small amounts.
I also think that if the other friends are also important, I would maybe give them a little more screen time than just “all of her friends”. Asking them if they remember also sounds like it’s for the benefit of the reader. I would suggest something like “Before I forget, I was thinking a bit more about where to go for our trip”.
It’s hard to evaluate the opening, but I like the setting and it sounds like it could go somewhere.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Romantic Thriller
I pause in my stilettos, glance over my bare shoulder to see a tall, dark stranger dressed in a plain white shirt and slim black trousers. I look him over, down then up.
Before I start to stare, I drop my finger from the navigation panel and twist my body to his with a small smile on my lips. “Just in time. Thought you weren’t home. Was about to leave.”
Even though I know he’s probably just got finished checking me out on the surveillance cameras inside his top-floor unit, the man looking down at me continues to eye me like a lion does a gazelle, his eyes deep and keen. “Do I know you?”
His voice is low and has just enough huskiness in it to make me teeter a little.
I angle my face to show him another kind of smile and tell him with a wink, “I’m Kassandra.”
I expect him to step aside with that smirky side grin all men seem to know how to do and tell me how he’s been anticipating my arrival as he follows me inside his place.
It throws me off when he stands tight and gives me a firm nod as if my name changes nothing. I watch him as he unabashedly sweeps the length my body with his gaze, makes a slow, almost entitled, descent to my feet and pauses on his lift back up at the obvious, the exclamation points of my femininity.
Not bad at all. I want to know what she is doing there and why.I wasn’t blown away by first few sentences though. Maybe she could be pounding at the door, ringing over and over again? Something more dramatic because when you pause in your shoes, it makes me think she has been walking a long time, but it sounds like she has been waiting for him at the door not walking. Good luck!!
It seems to flow well for me but I am having a hard time picturing were they are, is she walking before she pauses? what dose the navigation panel control? is it controlling a lift that she is going to get in to or is it the main door bell panel of the flat?, I don’t mean to be difficult It may just be me not caching it but I seem not to follow these point as they seem to be unclear to me.
The tone is nice and I like the voice as it is in the first person present but flows nicely and not at all disjointed.
Good job in all just needs a little clarification that’s all.
I want to know more about who your main character is and what she is doing. Also the dialogue “Just in time. Thought you weren’t home. Was about to leave.” Doesn’t feel natural. Also what would make her think he would respond differently after hearing her name? Just some thing to think about. I hope you find it helpful!
The dialogue in the first paragraph sounds kind of robotic. “Just in time. I was about to leave.” sounds more natural. I love some of the words you’ve used- deep, keen, huskiness, unabashedly- they created a sexy feeling, until I got to the last line. Exclamation points of femininity is clever, but it made me laugh and made the scene take a comical turn. I’m not sure if that’s what you were going for. I do get a feeling of mysterysurrounding this man- a sense that maybe this guy is dangerous.
Intriguing opening! You have a good, active scene here that immediately pulls readers in and makes them wonder where the story will lead. There is a sensuality to your tone and language that is well suited to the genre and definitely helps to increase suspense.
As others have noted, you might consider orienting the reader a bit more in that opening line, as the next sentences make things confusing, particularly the ‘navigation panel’ bit. I associate a detail like that with something more futuristic, so if this is a futuristic romantic thriller you should definitely indicate that early on.
I’m curious as to whether this is the main character and the entire story will be told in first person present, or if this is just a device for the opening and the narrator is doomed (based on the genre and circumstances, I tend to think the latter is the case). In either case, the point of an opening like this in the romantic thriller genre should be to build suspense — to pull the reader in and set them at the edge of their seat from the start. This has that potential, but I have so many questions about the narrator that I’m unable to be invested yet in whether she lives or dies. You don’t have to give a page — or even a paragraph — of exposition, but if you can give us a fact or two about her, it will make us invest in her well being much sooner. I’m assuming she’s a prostitute and this guy is her next john. If that’s the case, is she waiting impatiently for him to answer? Is she psyched that he didn’t, because that means she gets to go home and put her feet up with a glass of wine? Does she love this part of the job — meeting someone new? If I’m completely off base and she isn’t a prostitute at all, the basic premise still stands: I just want one thing about this character that makes me care whether she lives or dies.
Otherwise, though, the writing here is smooth and the premise is a good one. I would definitely continue reading.
Amber, i remember reading this piece in the genre-guessing game and thought this might be a wife seducing her husband. I admit, I’m still confused. You capture the romantic sultry tone but as a reader, I’m not getting the thriller part. Set the scene instead of telling us she pauses in her stilettos. Who is this woman? Tell us her name. Where are they? What is her role? Is she a prostitute? ….. makes a slow, almost entitled, descent to my feet and pauses on his lift back up at the obvious, the exclamation points of my femininity. I know you’re trying to play with words, but this is confusing. You’ll see what I mean if you read these words out loud? Good luck with your story.
Not a bad opening scene, but I think I need a bit more information to know what it going on properly. I think I get the general gist of what is going on, but I had to read it more than once. I think I have gathered that she is a prostitute but I’m not sure – I think this is something important to clarify.
I’m a bit unsure about some things too. Why does he ask if he knows her? Surely he would have been expecting her and I would imagine her attire and attitude would give away who she was. I’m also not sure what hearing her name would change, unless it’s just clarifying who she is. I think you have definitely captured the sultry and sexy side of the story, but as we are hearing her internal thoughts I am wondering if she is as sexy on the inside? “Before I start to stare” gives the impression that she wants him, and not that it’s just a job. If that’s the case then it’s fine, but I feel like if not the character could be given a bit more depth in this scene.
Overall, with a bit of clarity I think this could be a great opening scene 🙂
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Contemporary
I told him my name is Kim. And that I’m a former bikini model doing a stint as a hairstylist while I work on debuting my acting career.
That was about an hour ago.
I’m naked on plain white sheets except for my Brigitte Bardot-blonde bob and smudged red lipstick, the way he left me before he rolled off the curve of my sweat-shined backside.
We pulled back the goose duvet as soon as we keyed inside, didn’t bother with the exotic high-count sheets. This isn’t an overnight kind of thing.
Before I decide whether my exhausted target’s name is Derek or David he slaps my ass hard enough to leave a print the size of a catcher’s mitt. “Wow.”
I laugh the way I think a Kim would laugh, high-pitched with my tongue showing. “Guess what they say is right…”
I pause, bite my lip as I drop my eyes to his penis. It’s still serviceable against his strong stomach.
“Forties are the new twenties,” I whisper with a glance into his hazel eyes.
“I’m fifty-one, sweetheart.”
“Guess that makes me…” I move to my side so he can see me better. “Impressed.”
He looks at me the way any man would look at a girl half his age, his grin crooked, his gaze hungry.
Before he can invite me to sin with him in another luxurious suite, I take his mouth and kiss him the way I imagine a former bikini model doing a stint as a hairstylist would kiss a man she met only minutes ago.
Interesting. I’m wondering why this woman is taking on new identities (apparently she does it a lot), which is what I guess you were going for. I’d maybe put in a few hints at where she’s going to go next… is she eager to stay with him for something, or is she trying to get away fast?
The first sentence throws me off… I think it should be “I told him my name WAS Kim” as it’s reported speech.
I didn’t understand the phrase “This isn’t an overnight kind of thing” with regard to the sheets. Maybe I’m just not getting the connection.
I love the character’s thoughts about trying to do things in the way that her adopted character would do them. It seems to show that she’s hyper-aware of what she’s doing, yet not so practiced that it would be second-nature, which makes me curious to learn more.
That’s a bold first page! When she refers to him as a target, it makes me think she’s up to no good. I would cut the part about the duvet and sheets. It’s too much jumping back and forth between present and past tense. After you say “That was about an hour ago” it flows better to just continue with what’s happening now. The line that starts, “Before I decide…” sounds a bit off to me. It could be changed to, “I’m trying to remember whether my exhausted target’s name is Derek or David, when he slaps…” But I’m not sure if that’s better. Also, at the end, it says “a man she met only minutes ago” but at the beginning, it said they met an hour ago. I think we need more of her thoughts and feelings to be able to connect with her.
Love it! I really like this beginning, and it definitely captured my interest. I’m wondering why she takes on all these identities, why she slept with this guy, and most of all, who she really is. One thing – I would start it “I told him I’m a former bikini model named Kim” or somehow removed beginning the second sentence with “And”. It’s not the faux pas it once was, but it’s jarring for the second sentence.
A very intriguing opening. I want to know who she is and what she’s up to. I think it would be important to disclose this quite early on because right now I’m thinking: is the a prostitute? Is she role playing? Is she sleeping with him for information? Like another critiquer, I also don’t understand with the not-overnight high-count sheets. It might just be personal preference, but I feel like for an opening subtlety might work better than referring to his penis outright. I am not sure how sexual the rest of the book will be, but it gives me the impression it will be very sexual.
I’m not a big fan of the opening line, but I think it’s the delivery rather than the content. I feel that something like “My Name is Kim. I’m a former bikini model, but right now I’m doing a stint as a hairdresser while I work on my acting career. At least, that’s what I told him when we met an hour ago.” Unless Kim is going to reoccur as the MC’s persona, I think I would maybe try make it a bit more simple too. Three careers is quite a lot to take in, in the few sentences. Possibly four if we count what may be her real career.
Overall, I think it sounds like a good opening that has definitely sparked my interest. I think I would read on to find out what’s going on.
* I feel that something like “My Name is Kim. I’m a former bikini model, but right now I’m doing a stint as a hairdresser while I work on my acting career. At least, that’s what I told him when we met an hour ago.” might work better (forgot to finish my sentence! oops!)
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Epic Fantasy
Terriana stumbled through the scorched and leafless trees of the zinzinian forest. Gasping for air as she stopped and leaned onto a tree. She wiped the warm beads of sweat that trickled down her forehead.The only thing Terriana wore was a silk white gown, which had been ruined by mud and a multitude of rips. Because of her loosely fitted gown, the cold morning air stabbed at her skin like a cold blade. With her long dark hair damped and a tangled mess, she knew for certain that she must have looked like some filthy commoner. She did not care. She had to find her brother.
It was dark when she had chased her brother out of the imperial encampment and into the Zinzinian forest. The morning sun rose just above the horizon. Its orange rays barely pierced the thick white fog that consumed everything. As Terriana caught her breath, She tried to understand why her foolish brother would venture into such a frightful place. A forest filled with mindless, leaf wearing, tree worshipers. It was as if the boy did not know that he treaded in the forest of their fathers enemy.
Terriana’s father had burned that forest. Causing the savage tribes to retreat to the north. That was nearly a year prior.The forest was now probably infested with the savages, who had come back to reclaim their home. Terriana looked at the dense burned vegetation before her and swallowed hard.
I’m intrigued by your descriptions and word choice! I already want to know more about the savage tribes, the imperial encampment, and the Zinzinian forest. Make sure to be consistent (in the first line you didn’t capitalize the name of the forest). I like the description of the silk gown. If you moved it up a bit, I’d have had a better visual when reading the first sentence. For example, maybe “Terriana stumbled through the scorched and leafless Zinzinian trees, leaning against a tree to catch her breath. The morning air stabbed her skin like a cold blade (delete one of the mentions of cold from that sentence), seeping through the muddied rips and tears of her silk gown. She had to find her brother.” I think if you combine some of your first sentences, you can set a more urgent tone and pace for the reader while still being descriptive. Also, combine the sentences that start with -ing verbs to the ones before that are still describing an item by separating it with a comma. “Terriana’s father had burned that forest, causing the savage tribes…” Some of the backstory at the end causes a little bit of an info. dump and decreases the tension. Can you spread some of those details out in your first chapter? I have a problem with that as well. I’d definitely want to read on for more action!
Thank you for the critique! With the info dump regarding Terriana’s father, It was originally put later in the chapter. Other critiques kept asking me why the forest was burned. which is not a question I want my readers to be asking. I will look for other ways to get that info into the story. Thanks again.
I think you use some very nice descriptive language. Maybe play around a little more with your main character interacting with her surroundings to get your information in there. I do want to read more! I think you have an interesting plot in your hands!
There is action and tension in this opening, which is good. Combining some of your short sentences would help the flow. Do you have a critique partner who go through it line by line with you? I think that would be helpful for you, but it’s not practical to do that here in this situation.
I like this. I think I know exactly what sort of story this will be – Terriana, a spoiled princess, will find that the people living in the forest are not the savages she thinks they are and she has a lot to learn from them. If this is the plot, it isn’t a bad thing that it can be deciphered so easily at this point, but I hope there are lots of surprises and original twists to make it compelling. I’m not so sure about the “multitude of rips” in her silk gown. How did it get so ripped? Most of us walk through the forest just fine in clothing and we don’t end up with such damage to our clothing. I’m also not sure how she can be sweating and yet the cold air is stabbing at her skin like a cold blade. Has this girl any experience with being stabbed with cold blade? If not, I would change the line.
Roman, you paint a picture of a young privileged girl running through a burned forest trying to find her brother. At one one point you mention she is sweating and then tell us she’s cold.
“The only thing Terriana wore was a silk white gown, which had been ruined by mud and a multitude of rips. Because of her loosely fitted gown, the cold morning air stabbed at her skin like a cold blade.” This passage is long and repetitive and written in the passive voice. Consider rewriting…example for your consideration: Terriana’s silk white gown, muddied and tattered, hung loosely against her wet skin,,,, or something like that. Use action verbs wherever you can to replace weak, passive verbs. Good luck with your story.
I would be a bit cautious of including a fictitious name in the opening sentence. I feel it immediately pushes me away from the story, because I know nothing about this new world yet but I feel like I am expected to know what the zinzinian forest is.
I find it difficult to relate or sympathise with Terriana’s motive. At the moment I know nothing about Terriana other that what she looks like and her temperature. I feel it would perhaps be beneficial to cut some of the description, that could be sprinkled lightly throughout the rest of the scene/chapter, and give some more character information, so we understand better how she feels about losing/finding her brother.
So far, not very much has happened with Terriana. She has stumbled through the forest, wiped a bead of swear, caught her breath and looked at burned vegetation. It looks like the opening has potential to have a lot of action in it, but a lot of it has been back story so far. I feel like the opening would benefit from focusing more on what is actually happening in the present and the back story can be sprinkled or mentioned later.
Overall, I was intrigued to find out more. I think I would be pulled in much better with a strong action present opening.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: New adult fantasy/romance
The forest whispers to me as I make my way down the narrow path.
The logical part of me knows it’s nothing more than the wind rustling the leaves overhead. The other part of me shivers. I give my head a shake. Come on, Win. Get a grip.
As I stumble along the winding trail, an ancient, gnarled, all too familiar tree comes into view. The rotting, moss-covered stump beside it confirms my suspicions—I’m right back where I started.
“Ssstupid girrrl,” the trees hiss, echoing my own thoughts.
I might as well face it—I’m screwed. Not only am I lost, but I have no phone, no flashlight, and daylight is fading fast. Why, oh why, did I ever step into this forest?
But, I know the answer to that question. The sun’s rays were beating down on me as I took my evening run, so I ducked into the shade of the woods beside the road for relief. The question I don’t have an answer for is why I continued to walk through the forest instead of heading back to the road to finish my run.
Something about the quiet stillness and the dappled sunlight dancing across the mossy floor entranced me, filling me with an irresistible urge to explore. By the time I decided to return to the road, I had traveled so far that there was no finding my way back. Discovering the trail had given me hope—hope that’s now dashed.
The forest that seemed…
I love the suspense you’ve built. I’m eager to see what happens to her. “I’m screwed” is exactly what I’d be thinking. When you say “But, I know the answer to that question,” I’d recommend cutting “to that question,” and stopping after answer, especially since you’re about to say “The question I don’t have an answer for…” To avoid wordiness on that part, you might consider “What I can’t figure out…” When I’m thinking, I tend to think in shorter sentences. You do a great job on descriptions. The sentence “Something about the quiet stillness…” is beautiful. Does she have thoughts this descriptive through the rest of the story? I feel like the rhythm/flow to this sentence is off a little because of the amount of description. “…dappled sunlight dancing across the mossy floor entranced me…” is the part that tripped me up. I felt like I should take a breath before that comma but didn’t have space for it. Can you delete a word or two without removing the poetic feel of the sentence? Great job!
Thanks so much for the helpful critique. You have some good points. Yes, both of those question/answer sentences need to be fixed. Thanks for the suggestions. And as for the description that starts with, “Something about the quiet stillness….” I think I suffered from “trying to make myself sound poetic on the 1st page” syndrome. Haha. Glad you thought it was beautiful, but it is a little much since it’s supposed to be what she’s thinking. I’ll shorten it and chnage it up a bit.
Hiya! :o)
I like the opening line, of the forset whispering to MC and that it’s only leaves…nice. I can picture it all in my mind from those simple, clear lines. So, already we know there’s something not quite right.
Love the descriptions of trees/moss.
Reads easy – which is great.
I loved what I read so far. Looking forward to finding out what lurks in the forest :o)
Below, different eye suggestions:
“Ssstupid girrrl,” the trees seemed to hiss, in echo of my own thoughts.
Why, on earth did I ever step into this forest? But in truth, I already knew the answer. The last of the sun’s rays had been beating down on me as I took my evening run. I remember, ducking into the shade of the trees beside the road for relief, but I don’t have an answer for, is why I continued to walk through the forest, instead of heading back to the road to finish my run.
By the time I decided to return to the road, I had traveled so far that finding my way back proved impossible.
Thanks for the helpful suggestions and comments. I appreciate you adding suggestions for changes instead of just saying it didn’t sound right.. You’re not the only one who thought the part about why she went into the forest needed work. The flow is much better with some of the things that have been suggested and I’m going to get to work on revising that part. “finding my way back proved impossible” is a very good replacement for what I had. Thanks again!
Hi Julie :o)
Thank you for giving me constructive feedback too. It really helps to give examples, helps to see things a little bit differently.
Julie, to be honest, I’ve read your first page a few times and tried to come up with something, but it’s at that point where it’s good but somethings missing, and I don’t know what it is.
I really like your style and it sounds interesting, it’s just a little weak. I think it’s kind of passive? The forest whispers to me, instead of “The forest whispers, sending a shiver up my spine. I know it’s nothing more than the wind rustling the leaves overhead, but it sounds so much like a voice… ”
There are parts that are jumping: She’s lost, hearing voices, then she’s answering her own questions. I would start with the run, she’s running and something pulls her into the forest, a twinkle of dew in the distance, “Maybe a off road jog would be good for me?”
I hope this helps!
Thank you for being honest. I cringed at the word “passive”. That’s the last thing I want it to be. There is more action and excitement on the following page, and the MC is not passive there, but that doesn’t matter if no one wants to read past the first one. I did worry that there wasn’t enough to grab the reader here. I’ll have to rethink the opening and see what I can do to make it better.
I like your style, and your descriptions, good imagery, it helps me to visualize your scene. You should try to make the fear come from the action of the story, build suspense, with your internal monologue, or just dialogue since she is alone in the woods, I talk to myself when I’m scared it makes me brave. This is good though, you understand your scene and can see it, now I think you just need to build action. Show her getting lost, you show me that she is lost, because she see’s the tree she’d already seen, but why not center the whole scene around her being lost in the woods. Don’t just show the last bit of it, show me the whole bit build it up, make me think she has found a way out and then dash my hopes by bringing me back to that stump. Torture your characters, you let her off to easy, if you make it harder for her, it will feel more dangerous and more intense. Right now it seems very intellectual, but I think her internal thoughts should be centered on getting out, you don’t need to tell me why or how she got lost, just show her being lost. Then you can show her emotions and inner monologue. If you want to include the backstory, she could have a breakdown and shout, ‘Damn my inquisitive nature!’ (joke) but something like that. I liked it though and there is a lot of potential here. So keep writing.
Thanks so much, this helps a lot. I was so focused on creating this imagery, the feel of the forest, and the fact that something creepy was going on that I dropped the ball in other areas. I’ll try it with some of your suggestions and see if that helps. Funny you should mention her having a breakdown and shouting, because this is in the next paragraph. I apologize for all the F-bombs, but it’s what I’d say. May need to tone it down. Lol:
The hopelessness of it all has me on the verge of tears. Instead, I release a stream of obscenities.
“Why can’t I fucking find my way out of this goddamn, motherfucking forest?!”
You’ve created a strong atmosphere. Your descriptions are sublime, making the setting very easy to visualise. As others have said, some sentences are a bit wordy and I agree with their suggestions. The only point I would add refers to the sentence, “The logical part of me knows …., the other part of me shivers.” Personally I’d avoid the duplication of ‘part of me’ and maybe say something like, “Common sense tells me that it’s just the wind rustling the leaves, nonetheless the noise freaks me out a little.” Aside from these points, I’d be keen to read on, you’ve grabbed my attention and I am intrigued. Good luck 🙂
Thank you. It’s good you let me know you agree with things others have said. I know it’s definitely a problem if several notice the same thing. I’ll also work on getting rid of the repetition of “part” in that sentence.
Hi julie. I’m glad you posted in FB because I missed your story. First off, you do a great job setting the scene and tension. I have a few suggestions for your consideration: . I give my head a shake. I don’t think you need this because your inner dialogue, which should be italicized, says it all. Come on, Win. Get a grip. Unless you having talking trees in the rest of your story I would rephrase this sentence: “Ssstupid girrrl,” the trees hiss, echoing my own thoughts. Consider: Ssstupid girrl, in italics. The trees seem to be mocking my thoughts…or something like that.But, I know the answer to that question. I don’t think you need this. Allow the reader to figure it out. You could start a new chapter or * * * (not sure what they’re called.) and start with ….The sun’s rays beat down …….t describe your character and her day up to the point of her run.. You could add more tension by expanding what she saw, how she felt,. I’ll tell you I’d crap my pants if I found myself lost in the middle of the forest. heheheh. Good luck with your story..
Hi. Oh, good. Thanks for the suggestions. I’m going to change the trees hissing sentence so it’s not so literal, and rework the paragraph about why she got lost. At least I got the setting down, since I have to work on so many other things, haha Thanks again.
I really enjoyed this opening. I really enjoy the style it is written in and I really get a vivid visualisation of the scene. For some reason, I don’t find the paragraph about the suns rays very compelling. I’m also confused about why she doesn’t have the answer to why she continued, but then explains why in the next paragraph.
Overall I really enjoyed this paragraph, and that it didn’t give too much away. I expect more to come and would be excited to read on to find out what.
Thanks. I’m glad you liked the style and setting. I am going to rework that whole part where she questions why she continued into the forest. You’re not the only one who had a problem with it. I had a point there, but didn’t execute it well at all. Revising I go.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Fantasy
Mindy
The elevator dings and I look up from the seven hundredth letter Mom will never receive, dropping the quill. The old-timey bits add flair to a job otherwise saturated with technology, though I doubt anyone else notices. When the silver doors part, a girl with copper hair stares me down, her slate eyes accusing.
“Where the hell am I?” she asks, charging forward. The Gatherer who corralled this one had his hands full. At sub-level, souls bounce around, their unspent life energy propelling them like calves at a rodeo. By the time they’ve reached me, they’re coherent.
The doors shut, the thud making her jump. Behind them, the elevator returns to claim another.
At least the crescent-moon desk stands between us. She doesn’t walk past it. And even if she tried, the Wall is up.
“Welcome to Stonybrook Cottages, where our goal is to find you the most amazing home possible,” I say.
She raises an eyebrow, which, I notice, could use a wax. “For real?”
“Not at all. You don’t shoot up two hundred stories to buy a house in the sky.”
A piece of her breaks—the Moment of Clarity. Everything gets a nickname when I’m bored. Her bottom lip falls, leaving a gap big enough for a fly. “What is this?” She’s lost her fighting spirit.
My computer screen comes to life, the scan completed on her way up showing its results. “Jasmine Harper, sixteen.” My fingers brush over the keyboard as I type in my…
Jenna,
I wish I had more for you but all I can say is that I am really intrigued! I would love to read the rest of this to see where it goes. You have great visuals and I get a feel for the character early on. Feels new and different!
Thanks, Ann! I tried not to clog the opening with too much back story. Just sprinkling enough explanation in to hook the reader.
I remember this one from the genre guessing game because it intrigued me. The first line hints of some backstory that we will learn later.The fact that I have no idea what kind of place this is and why this girl was brought there makes me want to keep reading. I wonder if being kept in suspense about all of this is intentional, or if it’s just the fact that we are going into this blind without the benefit of a blurb. I like the narrator’s snarkiness (is that a word?). The writing is excellent. I love your verb choices. The only change I would suggest is: “She’s lost her fighting spirit” feels strange where it’s placed, after the girl’s dialogue. It’s pretty much been explained in the previous sentences, so it may not be necessary to tell us that, anyway. Great opening!
Jenna, I remember reading this in the genre guessing game and I think you’ve made a few changes for the better. You add intrigue, a touch of comedy and keep the reader guessing. Good job. I didn’t get why you start off with the name Mindy because the girl in the elevator is named Jasmine but I’m sure there is a reason. Keep up the good work.
I am very intrigued as to what is going on in this opening. I get a little confused in areas though – I found the very first paragraph a little hard to read as there was a lot going on.
I find the comment about the unwaxed eyebrow to be a bit odd. To me, I feel like it gave me a bad impression of the MC (male?). I don’t think a male would be that concerned over an unwaxed eyebrow, unless it was horrific. If it is meant to portray that she is unkempt I think this could be done better with her overall look than specifics, otherwise it gives the impression that the MC is preoccupied with looks.
Overall, I think it is very intriguing. I like the distinct personalities of the characters thus far and I’d be excited to find out what the premise and plot of the story is.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Fable for grown-ups
Faint moonlight danced on the surface of the river as the water hurried downstream. The water here was always in a hurry, eager to leap over the rocks that were just a bit further downstream, too preoccupied to do anything about the leaves and other stowaway debris that blemished it. Or perhaps it didn’t mind these pollutions.
After all, what was a river? Was it only the water, rushing down a predetermined path, or did it include all the stuff floating in it? What about the rocks that paved the way? And what if something was carried from afar and tossed into the river? Did that object then become part of the river?
But if river was more than just water and a path, then the definition might quickly get out of hand. Where would the inclusions stop? Would a river incorporate the group of raccoons gathered at its bank? Probably not—who could ever get behind a definition of river that included raccoons? But, if it did, would other rivers, not doted enough to boast their own populations of raccoons, be less rivery as a consequence?
Maybe a river wasn’t anything at all. Maybe it was just an idea. Names were probably getting ahead of themselves, after all, and an argument could be made that they should just stop at the relevant components: water, path, dirt, rocks. Everyone knows what a path is and what rocks are—no confusion there. Why create confusion?
I love paragraph three, especially the final question! The word “rivery” creates a playful tone after the questioning. I might suggest using only one “downstream” in paragraph one to avoid repetition. Because there are so many questions, can you make a few into statements or cut some? I did enjoy reading the setup, but I also am anxious to know what this fable is really about. When does the action start?
Thanks! Good catch with the second “downstream.” Incidentally, the action starts in the next paragraph 😛
I think I’d like a person to connect with–unless you are doing something really far out and making the river your protag? (cool if so) If that’s the case, the river needs some thoughts, or goals, maybe. I want to KNOW that.
In general I’m more interested (and hooked) when a story starts with characters and not description. Or at least, a teeny bit of description, just enough to help me place the character(s).
It’s something I’ve been struggling with… Generally I tend to favor slower introductions (but I am rethinking this in light of the lectures here), and it fits with the fable genre I think, and there are some introspective elements throughout the novel I want to prepare the reader for. But I have to avoid being overly philosophical, especially at the outset.
The characters in the story are actually the raccoons, who I hinted at in para 3. They’re more formally introduced in the next paragraph, actually, and then it dives into the story. But I’ll see if I can maybe rework this a bit to bring them in sooner. It’s so true that the first page can be make-it-or-break it for the whole book.
I cheated and read your comment below, so I know about the raccoons. Sounds like an interesting and unique concept. The first paragraph is beautiful. The whole passage is thought-provoking, but I wonder how much this ties into the rest of the story. Does the river play a big part in the raccoons’ lives? It may be risky for an opening because there’s not anything happening here. But I know little about this genre, so if the reader is used to this kind of an opening, it may be fine.
Oh man, I’m torn.
I think you write very well. The paragraphs all flow well, are well paced, connect together and are very easy to read. I really enjoy the how the whole passage is a metaphor (I think) and I feel like this could be a great introduction to your theme and key elements of the novel.
I am unsure though, because I feel like in the opening I should be introduced to a main character or an insight into what the plot could be. If your opening wasn’t so beautifully written and thought provoking, I would probably suggest introducing characters and conflict, but I can’t. I think if they s this is a fable, and if they are introduced very soon after, you should be okay.
Top marks from me, personally. Loved it.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Commercial Fiction
“Did you have fun tonight?” said Guillermo.
“Yeah,” said María Teresa.
“Come on. It wasn’t that horrible, was it?”
She blushed. “No, I had fun. Dinner was nice.”
“Well,” said Guillermo, “I’m glad you enjoyed the food at least. Hopefully in time you grow to enjoy my company, too.”
“I do enjoy your company.”
“You sure don’t act like it.”
“I’m sorry. It’s just—”
“I understand. You don’t have to explain anything. It’s just the situation we’re in. We should try to make the best of it, otherwise we’ll both be miserable.”
“I know,” said María Teresa.
“Do you like me at all?” It was the first time he’d sounded uncertain all night. She looked up at him. Even his hair, short and black and usually so disciplined, was wavering onto his forehead. He was still handsome.
“Guillermo,” she said. “Of course I like you. You’re a perfect gentleman.”
“Just not… what you were hoping for?”
“I don’t know what I was hoping for. I don’t think I was hoping for anything.”
“You think too little of yourself.”
“I mean, I didn’t really have any expectation.”
“I know what you’re saying. It’s not like either of us has a choice, anyway.” He smiled. After a moment he added, “A terrible way to look at life, perhaps, but it’s the truth.”
I love his last line. It definitely reveals his personality by giving us an insight into how he thinks. At the top, I wanted more description between the dialogue. What is Maria Teresa doing while she says yeah? Since it’s a plain answer, she might be looking at her shoes. Maybe studying their details or thinking of the price? Show that she is not quite paying attention or would rather be anywhere else (basing this on her other short answers). It was a little hard to place myself in the scene when I couldn’t picture where they were. Outside of her house? Inside a car? Waiting for a cab outside the restaurant? I appreciate the way you embedded the description of his hair (definitely not an info. dump, which was refreshing).
Great feedback, thank you. I didn’t really know how to start this one, so I just dived right into it. But it does need some more context, now that you mention it.
The fist frays is a question so it should be “Guillermo asked” not “said”, I didn’t get that María Teresa was not really hole heartedly enjoying herself with that first “Yeah” so id ad something more in the narration “María Teresa answered with a slight hesitation after a short but uncountable silence” for example.
The frays “its not like either of us has a choice”, I don’t know if this is down to a way of speech (slang or something) as I have seen and herd it before but I believe grammatically it should be “have” not “has” (I have, you have, he/she has, we have, they have and it has). If anyone knows this pleas post as I have not been shore of this for quite some time know.
My over all point is I think it flows quite well after the fist two lines, the conversation is making me want to know what is going on, as in, where they are, what they are doing and why they have no choice in it. id imagine all this would be answered in the next few phrases even if it doesn’t tell me the hole story plot
Guillermo and Maria Teresa seem to be likeable characters. From the dialogue, I assume this is something like an arranged marriage. It looks like you have a good grasp on how to write dialogue-the punctuation, etc, looks correct (with the exception of the first line- I would change said to asked.) While the dialogue is great, and tells us much, I feel like we need to know more about where the scene takes place and what the characters are doing as they speak. A downward glance or fidgeting can tell the reader a lot. Also, you could add more of what the characters are thinking. Like the line, “He was still so handsome.” More of that.
I think this has the potential to be really great. The dialogue seems realistic and we get a good sense of what both characters are like. I think this could be greatly accentuated by, as other people have said, put a bit more information between the actual dialogue. This is a great opportunity to sprinkle some information too. You can briefly mention the setting, their appearance, their mannerisms, the way they said something etc I think that would make your dialogue much stronger.
Overall, a good job!