The Veiled Walls

Characters and Scene:  The Undoing
Andrina- Main character suffering with MPD.
Mrs. Dellwood- Elderly neighbor
Sam – Mrs. Dellwood’s dog
Regina and Sarah – neighbors

Andrina doesn’t have any great love for Sam because he takes care of his business all over the hallway, the grounds and especially near Andrina’s car.  This has been an ongoing situation.  Andrina would not physically harm Sam.  However, over time the emotional build–up of anger and frustration triggers Piper (one of Andrina’s alters) to do the unthinkable to Sam.  Piper is her protector and evil.

Wednesday came and Andrina went through her usual walk down the hall to get some coffee.  Thank the heavens she was in a nightgown this time and not Piper’s clothes.  The closer she neared the kitchen she could hear commotion going on in the hallway.  Someone was crying and people were talking.  She opened the door, looked down the hall and saw Mrs. Dellwood crying near the elevator.  Neighbors Regina and Sarah were trying to console her. Hurriedly grabbing her robe, her hair flying in all directions, Andrina ran down the hall.

“What’s wrong with her?   “Mrs. Dellwood can’t find Sam, replied Sarah.”
Mrs. Dellwood with both hands over her cheeks and shaking, shouted, “He’s been missing for a whole day.”  “Everybody knows him in the building.  So, I went back upstairs thinking someone would bring him to my door.”  “But no one came.”  “Then I thought well, he may be visiting with one of the neighbors. “  Andrina inwardly thought, why on earth she would think that is beyond me. That dog damn has created so much havoc for the people in the building and me.  Sara quickly inquired if she had asked anyone in the building about Sam.  But poor old lady Dellwood had fallen asleep after taking the wrong medicine.  The pill she should have taken before bed she took earlier.  She never got a chance to ask anybody about Sam.

Regina came up with an idea to put up a missing poster, Golden Retriever Missing Contact Information.   “Sarah and I will ask around the building if anyone has seen Sam. “Andrina if you don’t mind, take Mrs. Dellwood upstairs to her apartment and wait for us.”   “Come on dear, it’ll be ok, as Andrina shouldered the old lady and escorted her on the elevator.   Andrina pressed the button for the fourth floor when out of nowhere Mrs. Dellwood with a look on her face as if she had seen a ghost inquired with a trembling tone, “Andrina, what is that around your neck?”

“Why… it’s my neckpiece jewelry. I forgot to take it off last night when I went to bed.” “ Why?”  “It reminds me of me Sam’s collar, even the same color.”  “Come on let’s go inside and wait for the others.  No more talk about Sam’s collar.” As soon as they entered the apartment Andrina’s removed her jewelry from around her neck.

For thirty-five minutes, Mrs. Dellwood and Andrina sat and watched TV. It was enough time to watch an episode of The Price is Right. Probably every senior person in the building watched this program. It seemed to calm old lady Dellwood for awhile. The apartment was in utter disarray, not to mention the dog hair all over the place and the smell of Sam reeked pungent whiffs in the air.

Regina and Sarah had looked in the parking lot, knocked on doors and asked people walking in the hallway about Sam. No one had seen him. The next best thing to do was to call one of her sons.  Sarah noticed a red book on the table that might contain telephone numbers.  When she was about to pick up the book, in an unexpectedly loud voice, Mrs. Dellwood shouted, “Don’t call my son Tommy, he’ll want to take me to his house.”   “Call my son West she demanded.”   Andrina mouthed the words to Sara, “call Tommy.”

By this time, the stench of Mrs. Dellwood’s apartment had finally encapsulated Andrina’s sense of smell.  She couldn’t take it anymore.   Sara and Regina had the same annoying nose flinch. Determined to leave, Andrina said she had something to do.   Reluctantly Regina and Sarah agreed to wait until her son arrived.

Andrina left the apartment but could dismiss Sam out of her head. As she began to walk down the hall to the elevator, she knew that no one would ever find that dog.  Nice lady, Mrs. Dellwood with a pretty good vision for a woman her age. Andrina knew that Piper had killed Sam.

The horrible crime took place upon Andrina remembering that she had forgotten to get coffee for her morning ritual. She decided to make a quick dash back to the supermarket late Tuesday evening.  It was the same day she greeted Greg in the parking lot and finally made arrangements to have potluck dinner with him.

She made her way to the driver side of her car.  There was Sam with no leash and moving his bowels right at the driver’s side of her car again. His mocking eyes and a year of feces and urine on her car had taken its toll to the point of enervating her patience to do something about it.  Anger and frustration  and sheer evil began to build in the stroke of a breath.  It was as if she was watching something outside her, egging her on to do the unthinkable to an animal, a presence  of imperative command.   Thinking about what she could hit Sam with she opened the truck of her car.  There it was, a tire iron.

Slowly she walked towards Sam with deliberate footsteps. Closer and closer she moved in on him and began striking him. What was even more evil intended, Andrina who was now Piper wanted to make sure one of the curved spoon ends of the tire iron landed a strong blow to his body. There were squealing sounds with every blow to Sam’s body as splatters of blood fell to the ground.  Then, silence.   In the blink of an eye, Piper had been pummeled him to death  quickly retreated.  Piper was gone and Andrina was back. It was too late. Sam was motionless.  The reality of what had occurred struck a chord of disbelief immediately and her heart began rapidly pound in her chest along with panic.   “Oh my God.”   “He’s dead, she gasped.”

Despite the horrendous nature of the crime, Andrina looked around to be sure that no one had seen what had happened.  There was no way she could explain what happened.  She picked up Sam and put him in the trunk of her car.  As fast as she could, she poured a bottle of water on the little splatters of blood on the ground.  She wiped up the rest of the blood with a blanket she kept in her trunk.  The one thing she had in her favor was that her car was at the far end of the parking lot, and almost secluded.   She had to get rid of him.   The marshland area of Newton she settled on.

From Tuesday night until today which turned out to be Friday. It had been almost a week since Andrina buried Sam.  All the things she had done in her life definitely showed that she was no choir girl. But, a murderer she was not.  Piper had returned stronger and bolder than ever before.  Killing Sam confirmed it.  Piper is dangerous.

7 thoughts on “The Veiled Walls

  1. jmpayer says:

    This is kind of confusing on multiple levels. Andrina has multiple personality disorder, I’m assuming that’s what MPD stands for? Piper is her evil half? Then the story bounces between present (Tuesday) and a couple days earlier (Friday). It’s awkward. And then I was trying to figure out if she ‘knew’ that Piper had killed Sam, she remembered it, or whether she was trying to figure it out as well. What was the horrible smell in Dellwood’s apartment? Dog? I’ve had quite a few dogs over the years and unless they made messes in the house they didn’t really smell.

    Otherwise it’s an interesting piece. Is the death of Sam going to be the main plot or is it just building towards something worse? I’d keep reading to find out.

  2. sam says:

    is that first paragraph the description of the scene or part of the actual excerpt? If i hadn’t read the character summary at the top, there is no way i would have understood what what was happening in this scene.

    It felt like you were going back and forth between present and past tenses a lot. And it wasn’t clear whether Andrina knows from the beginning of this scene what happened to the dog.. it seems toward the end like she knew the whole time that she(piper) killed the dog… but if that’s true why was the narrator portraying genuine concern from Andrina toward Mrs Dellwood? unreliable narrator?

  3. Rick Sherman says:

    Interesting chapter. I understood the time difference as a flashback, but perhaps it could be worked into the present while she’s thinking between dialogue. From what I understand, flashbacks are generally frowned upon by editors.

    I ask the same question as, Sam…is the killing of the dog the plot or just an incident that occurs randomly? If it’s just an incident, how does it drive the story forward?

    Other than those questions and a few minor typos, it was pretty good. Nice work, keep up the good work.

  4. anastasiapoirier says:

    Hello! Thanks for posting your work, Here are my thoughts:

    First off, you wrote “Characters and Scene: The Undoing” which means nothing to me. Is this Ch 1 or 13? Context on how far I’m into the story could be useful.

    “Wednesday came and Andrina went through her usual walk down the hall to get some coffee.” First, is this the same hall Sam “does his business in?” If so, should she be watching for messes?

    “Thank the heavens she was in a nightgown this time and not Piper’s clothes.” I don’t know much about MPD but I wonder, are people afflicted with this aware of their other personalities?

    “The closer she neared the kitchen she could hear commotion going on in the hallway.” This is worded oddly. It makes it seem like the commotion is in the hallway, not that she, from the hall, could hear the commotion in the kitchen. Regardless, this is passive voice. Why not make it stronger and say what she’s hearing? Also “The closer she neared” is redundant.

    “She opened the door, looked down the hall and saw Mrs. Dellwood crying near the elevator.” Completely lost now. I pictured her going down the hallway to the kitchen (where a commotion is happening?) but now she’s opening a door? presumably the kitchen door? and now she’s back/still in the hall?

    “Hurriedly grabbing her robe, her hair flying in all directions, Andrina ran down the hall.” So now she’s back in her room (where I assume she keeps her robe, unless she keeps it in the hall or the kitchen? Now once again, she’s going down the hall?

    ““What’s wrong with her? “Mrs. Dellwood can’t find Sam, replied Sarah.”” You have all of this smashed together. I’m assuming this is two people talking? Also, they seem familiar with each other, everyone knows Mrs Dellwood, would they really use her name in dialogue? Seems to me Sarah would just say “Sam’s missing” or the like.

    “Andrina inwardly thought” One generally only thinks inwardly, except when one thinks out loud, but then we just call that dialogue.

    “That dog damn” I think this was intended to be reversed?

    “has created so much havoc for the people in the building and me.” “Has” is present tense, up until now you’ve been using past. It probably just slipped in since you were previously writing dialogue. Aside from the tense issue this sentence is awkward and “telly”

    I stopped reading at this point. There were too many errors and inconsistencies to hold my attention.

  5. Arlene says:

    I think the concept is interesting, but I kind of felt like you were telling and not showing. I may be way off base on this next statement, so please consider that when I say your character may lose a lot of sympathy even if it is the alter that killed the dog. I do understand that this could cause a lot of angst for the character though.

  6. smithreynolds says:

    I would like to care about Andrina. There is nothing in this excerpt that allows me to do that, so I am left just watching her behave and go through a lot of confusing motions. If you know about multiple personality disorder let me into her heart. If you don’t then you shouldn’t write about it. There was a paragraph that caught my interest, and it was the half hour sitting in the apartment watching “Price is Right”. Try starting your story there, just for the fun of it. Remember as your reader I am cheering for you to tell me a great story. Thanks for sharing tour work.

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