In southern Barceria, there is much beauty. The land is easy to tend, the streams run into strong rivers, and the foothills into broad valleys that run either into lake or sea. It felt good to sit there now in the small forest clearing, beneath a small, weather-beaten boulder. The familiar and beautiful smell of grass and creek soil were as abundant as they were pungent. The soft touch of the ground held him in his place, softly. The sun filtered through the green sheaves above with golden fire, setting ablaze everything that it touched.
One arm lay settled into the stream, an angry green tint showing on the base of his thumb. The young man mentally scolded himself. How hard was it to forget to wear a brace while flying arrows?
A trivial problem, nothing he wouldn’t survive. Everything was at peace now, everything calm, and as it should be. The season offered fruitful tides of a good year. His folly would give him a bruised hand for the time of maybe two weeks, forgiving him for not noticing the sting.
It could not be right. Of all the things to happen, this is not what he could imagine. For all of the things to have been seen, it was this that he witnessed now. All of the peace and all of the beauty, but still his mind was haunted by the terrors of what was lost; what horrid things that only a number of months ago had been set upon him. Though he had emerged relatively unscathed, many did not, and now he had to sit here and appreciate it all while others laid in graves.
On his right wrist were both the open ankh of His Holyness as well as the moonstar of the Sacred Wyrdden as small baubles. He did pray every night and hope that his thoughts would ease, that he could find the strength to breathe deeply and know joy again. He bowed his head and prayed to any of the goodly gods that dwelled in these lands. He did this hoping that laughter would again come deeply from his chest, wishing that the songs and sounds of lute and drums would interest his hours. The idea that he could return to running errands, fishing, farming, and herding happily both brought a smile to his face, and struck him nearly to tears.
More deeply still, the young man prayed to quell the horrors that shook him from his sleep, and tossed the meal from his stomach as he awoke in the night. Gulping, he would see departed friends in his dreams, and as much as that haunted him he would beg wordlessly for the chance to see those faces again – those that were returned to the earth. He would beg for a holy salve that could wipe away the blood from his hands. He wanted an answer that he could take into his hands and know for true; a way to accept why he had lived and so many did die.
Those questions tore him up inside, and even more than that was one other. What man could he hope to be, what had slain another man?
Suddenly, the fellow by his side shifted, and the young man looked up at him.
“Do you remember,” the voice said in its brusque tone, a tanned arm stretched out towards the rolling low foothills that were likely mountains to peoples of flatter lands, “I used to tell you that beyond that rise on the horizon is Lake Taebar. You would ask how long it would take us to go there, and I said not long at all. Now look at you. You have crossed the country and become a man, and I have done little for you.”
The young man gave a slight shake of his head, finding himself chuckling at the mention, a smile appearing on his face now, partially genuine. “That’s not true. I have learned much from you, and I would not have done anything had it not been for you.”
“Teachin’ is one thing of it, perhaps. I taught you to tie knots, learned you not to tarry, showed you how to work a sword into your hand,” The older fellow offered. “Such ain’t enough, Leoberht. I did those things, aye. Though, t’was you what knew what to do with it.”
The man was the sheriff, and his words struck young Leobehrt deeply. His sword belt weighed idly on him on the best days, most days. Though, in the past two seasons it had seen more use than he had ever hoped of it. The sleeveless gambeson that he wore over his long working tunic was shorter than most, but he managed to keep it tidy. The hobnails on the caligae he wore tapped as his feet shifted onto a piece of stone in the stream.
His voice carried the weight of recent troubles, but was able to shoulder them away. “I am proud of you, Leoberht. I know I have told you… I think of you like a little brother.”
A weight pooled behind Leoberht’s eyes, as pride and guilt battled in his mind for supremacy, forcing in himself a smile that managed to become real. “Thank you, Cenweald. You are as much a brother as I could hope to have in this world.”
Ellen Brock 
I stopped reading after the statement of sitting under a small tree. Small was used twice and past tense is mixed with present tense. Maybe it’s because I’m more into thrillers, but I feel like there needs be some kind of hook right in the beginning, to make me want to find out what happens next. The place did sound nice and relaxing and would probably be good to keep, but not as an opening.
**Smacks self quite thoroughly.**
Thank you for reading this as much as you did, if it’s not obvious that this is still in the editing phase, then I don’t know what is.
I think you are exactly right in that the hook should appear sooner, I think that this is something that will help pick up the pacing of my story, and make the whole of it better. I may keep the setting opening, but I might repaint it in a way that lets you experience the character’s gloom. Thank you very much, once again!
Hey there.
I´ve read it all. Though, I found the start a bit long-winded. I´d prefer if anything would happen in the first 3 paragraphs.There is a little too much description, before you get to introduce your character. 3 or 4 sentences would have done better. I miss the hook.
from 4th paragraph on, I liked it. Though, still many sentences are long and could be tightened to convey the athmosphere of tiredness, worries, mental pain he seems to feel.
For example: why not write : the hobnails on his shoes tapped as he shifted… instead of: The hobnails on the caligae he wore tapped as his feet shifted onto a piece of stone in the stream.
The melancholy that lies in this seems to weigh me down, so, if there is no hook n the next few sentences, I would probably give up reading…
Good luck for you!!
Many thanks for your review! I really appreciate it, and it will help me restructure a good portion of this opening scene. I am glad that you took the time to read everything, and share your thoughts!
I read the whole beginning. Many things did not work. The message is vague, nothing happens, there’s no hook to keep me motivated to read on. Some of the language is confusing.
The main character’s anguish is all over the beginning and most descriptions of it feel redundant. Was he in a battle? Who/what was he fighting for? Why did he survive and the others perish? Why is he feeling guilty?
The second character, his brother, appears too late quite surprisingly. Why is he there? Was he in the battle? The dialogue felt to me unnatural. If this indeed is a conversation right after some major bloody clash I don’t think they would ponder over his training and skills.
The whole premise of starting just after a battle is a good one but the story needs a hook, a good, clear revelation of why it is important, how it has changdd the life of the character,what the fallout is, what danger still lurks, that sort of thing. I also thought initially about starting my novel with a post-battle scene.
You’re welcome to review my piece “The Paeonian” which i wrongly left with category Mainstream, but is actually pure historical. Good luck!
Hello, and thank you for reading the whole of my excerpt!
I appreciate the entirety of your critique, and will take most of it into consideration. I would defend myself in saying that this is -not- right after a battle. This is after an armed conflict of multiple battles, and he has returned home. I still value your message in its totality, as it helps in numerous ways, and in-fact highlights that I haven’t sold this point enough.
I read the whole thing. I like the peaceful scene you describe, but there were grammatical errors that jarred. In addition, I felt that the emotions were up and down, and too varied for this short scene. I wondered if it may be better to start earlier in the story, during the battle itself, so that we can understand what he has gone through to feel such anguish. Don’t get me wrong. I loved the depth of emotion, but felt that it was too much, too soon.
Thank you very much for your critique.
I appreciate the thought, and it might help me pace the introduction of certain descriptors in the future. There was to be an intended contrast, so this might be an effect that is hard to avoid in such a situation, and perhaps as such I should move it to another point in the story. Thanks again!
Hi!
I think you just need to tighten up some sentences for more clarity, and come out with a stronger hook. I personally thought the 4th paragraph was the most interesting. That’s when we start to see what the character is struggling with. It sounds like he almost feels guilty that he’s able to enjoy the beauty of this place when so many others died. Setting that up right away would have caught my attention more quickly. That makes me wonder what happened, why so many died, etc.
For the scene, I’m not really sure what’s happening. Are they hunting? I’m guessing that you have a lot that you’re trying to set up right away, but we don’t yet know what the significance is of the things you’re describing. If it’s a fantasy element, try to give us some sort of reference we can grasp onto, so we can see it in our minds. For example, I don’t know what an “ankh” is yet. Is this a tattoo you’re describing, or a piece of jewelry? I don’t know what a “bauble” is, either. I also didn’t realize that there were two people that had been in the scene the whole time.
I’d say, be more direct, use more of an active voice. Put us in the scene directly, then lace in the backstory as the character tells his story.
Good luck!
Thank you so very much for the feedback.
I will take your thoughts to heart as I go through editing this; which I will do before continuing any further in writing this novel. Your mention of unfamiliar terms, where I haven’t fully grounded the scene, and pointing at my voice is all very helpful. I appreciate it.
I read to the end to know I’d be giving the best advice possible. You’re in the editing stage (and others have pointed out some grammatical issues), so it’s not necessary for me to touch on that. But, while reading, the one thing that repeatedly popped into my head was, “I wish something was happening.” We get this long scene that tells us what Leoberht has been through, and what he is feeling. The thing is I don’t want to be told that the battles he’s been through don’t allow him to relax, I want to see it. I want to see him in this land that seems to exude peace, but his muscles are tense and his hand is never far from the hilt of his sword because he left peace on the battlefield. If you want my whole paragraph summarized in one short phrase then here: show don’t tell.
Thank you for the critique!
I appreciate your thought on the material of the chapter. Of course I need to crack the whip on grammar, some of the mistakes which I cannot believe I left in there, or mistakenly put in there at some point while glancing it over. Though I don’t trust myself to open with an action scene, I think I will make sure to provide some interesting elements of conflict into this chapter earlier on.
You’ve got a strong voice. I really enjoyed the descriptions and the way MC’s thoughts were shared. I also liked how you showed us what type of character the sheriff Cenweald is through the way he talks. You’ve got skill in creating a rich setting and making the reader connect to the character. The tone conveyed is regret and sadness. I also get the impression that the MC is broken because of what he witnessed and lost in the war. I did get the sense that he was recovering from great loss and didn’t think he’d ever become himself, or at least he hoped he could go back to what it was like before the war.
But this took work to figure this out. I am the type of reader that will give an author a chance to tell his/her story. Do you read Patrick Ruthfuss? Your style reminded me of him which is why I read the whole thing.
As I said before, I enjoyed the descriptions and the steady pace you set, but the purpose meanders which is some cases is fine because the reader needs some downtime after a scene full of tension, but for the beginning of a story, it might cause the reader to become frustrated since they’re waiting for a hook. (It wasn’t clear to me what the hook was, but again, I liked your voice enough to keep reading.) At first, when the MC remarks about the bruise on his hand from flying arrows, I thought the pace you were going to set was action. But then the pace is brought down when he starts recounting his experience in the war. I see how one event is supposed to trigger the other, but they set false expectations. Perhaps if you went from the bruise on his hand and when the memories about the war start to come back, he blocks them or forces to ignore them, then that might help keeping the pace moving forward. Then sprinkle those details and feelings about the war later in the chapter. I think they’re worth keeping, but they don’t necessarily have to be on the first page of the first chapter. And this way, the reader is intrigued and wants to know what happened to him in the war. If you tighten that section, it brings the reader closer to the conversation between Leoberht and Cenweald which will help with the forward pacing of the story.
Wow, I cannot thank you enough. This critique was beautiful, and not just because you had so many nice things to say, but because of how much help I feel your advice will be. Suffice to say, I’m putting the critique to physical medium so I can keep it around while I go through editing this – and my other finished sections.
Thank you again. I have read excerpts of Patrick Ruthfuss (the Name of the Wind) from a friend, but I actually don’t own any of his books. I will have to rectify this.
No problem Dominic! I’m glad I could be helpful. And when you get the chance, I strongly recommend getting your hands on The Name of the Wind. I’d think you’d enjoy it.
I stopped reading fairly early on – there was no character to ground me in this story – who is he? Any reason you don’t introduce him right from the first time you say – “the man” (or indeed the “young man”)? I didn’t realise the green thumb was a bruise – I was trying to work out if it was gangrene or he bled green, being some sort of fantasy being. There’s some mixed tenses in the bit I read.
Hello, and thank you for the input!
The mixed tenses are a horrible product of not being fully focused, either in writing or editing. They will be removed forcibly next time I sit down. I thank you for expressing that the characters didn’t reach out to you right away, and I will move to fix that – and make those first sentences really shine.
Also, I write only Low-Fantasy, more similar to historical fiction than to your typical novels of High-Fantasy. I wish I could’ve prefaced this for you stepping in, so that the clarification of his humanity wouldn’t be necessary.
Hi,
The opening sentences in the first paragraph set up a good scenic view in the mind of the reader.
However, it might be better to begin with a bang right away to show some type of conflict, some situation happening with the young man to draw in the reader than describing so much of the scenery.
Scenic descriptions are important to give a visual account to the reader. It can be spread out a little bit more.
Give the young man a name for the reader to connect to in a more personal way. The young man character name seems to be a bit removed unless that is your intention.
Just an example.
Jim prayed to quell the horrors that shook him from his sleep, and tossed the meal from his stomach as he awoke in the night. Gulping, he would see departed friends in his dreams, and as much as that haunted him, he would beg wordlessly for the chance to see those faces again – those that were returned to the earth.
Wow! It’s bad! This guy is regurgitating in his sleep. That’s dangerous.
See! Now as a reader, I want to know why and how his friends died.
Loretta H. Reid
Thank you very much for your critique!
I am likely going to take many of these critiques to heart, and provide material of interest near to the start. I want to make those first few sentences spark fire, instead of starting out as slow as I managed. I think it was a good starting point as I began writing, but now that the ideas are more developed, it needs to change.
Also, not giving the character a name immediately is also a flaw in this system. I kept the character unnamed due to wanting someone (even if a memory in his head) to say it first, then integrate it with the point-of-view. It’s a stratagem that may be worthless, but I’ve picked up from somewhere.
Though, in this scene, it is misused. There isn’t anything that can give the figure a name quickly enough for it to be effective, at least – not in its current state.
So, I thank you very much for your input once again!
Hello again!
I glanced over some of the comments people made and I remember someone saying they’d prefer to see you start with the battle. That is exactly what I did in my story, but I don’t think it always has to be like that. I enjoyed reading your first three paragraphs and the tone they set. But I seem to have more patience than others when it comes to story openings?
Also I love the contrast you’re trying to set between the setting and the mood of the character.
In paragraph four you start explaining why the character feels this way, as I said I don’t have to witness the battle, but I could use some more background there. We’ve all been exposed to a lot of stories and thus to a lot of wars or battles. I can imagine that it would scar someone without going through the actual fight. I just want to see what it does to him now and why, meaning what happened to him personally in the war.
However, I do miss a hook in your opening pages. And I do agree starting with paragraph four would pull people in more easily than the way it is set up now. (So I’m not contradicting myself. I do like the way it’s set up, but opening with number four would make it stronger)
The second half meanders a bit. I think Jennifer was the one who suggested adding some memories of the war, and I agree with that. It goes back to what I said before.
Keep on writing. 🙂
Thank you very much for your input!
I am quite looking forward to making these necessary changes. I don’t plan on starting with a conflict, but I will add some hooking material to the beginning of the chapter – perhaps even just move Paragraph Four up to the top, and restructure the rest. Though, now I have so many ideas, and so much want to act on them, that nothing is set in stone!
Thank you again.
Don’t loose track of your main ideas and storyline! Maybe you can work your new ideas into the story at a later point in time?