What is the goal of editing? Why do writers spend months or even years rewriting, revising, and editing their books? Why are you editing your book?
The first answer that comes to your mind is probably something like:
“I’m hoping to make my novel better and more entertaining.”
“I’m hoping to get rid of errors, plot holes, and inconsistencies.”
Or maybe even something like: “I keep getting rejected and I don’t know why.”
While all of these reasons are legitimate, they don’t get to the heart of what editing is actually all about.
The real goal of editing is to eliminate anything that might jar the reader out of the story.
That’s it.
Simple, huh?
When I tell writers (especially my clients) that this is what editing is really all about, it’s like a light bulb goes off in their head. Instead of getting hurt or depressed about hacking and slashing their novel, they get excited. They can see the true goal, the light at the end of the tunnel.
Editing isn’t about conforming to genre stereotypes or imitating famous authors. Most importantly, editing is not about following laundry lists of writing rules. The rules are just there to help steer you towards the bottom line, the end goal of keeping your readers fully engaged in your story.
Books are about the reader. A novel is nothing without the reader’s suspension of disbelief. If head hopping, tense changes, or telling instead of showing pulls the reader out of the story, your novel fails to do its job. It fails to transport the reader into a world they can fully believe and become absorbed in.
For a novel to work, the reader must believe that what they’re reading is authentic. That can’t happen when they get hung up on unusual word choices, plot inconsistencies, or characters behaving out of character. When that happens, they see your hand in the work. They see right through your characters and straight to you, the author, and just like that they’re no longer absorbed in the story.
What separates a novel from being laughably bad and amazingly engaging is nothing more than the reader’s ability to believe in it. Nothing gets a book chucked back on the shelves (or into the rejection pile) faster than a reader thinking, This would never happen in real life!
“But,” some writers might say, “my book is a Fantasy. It can’t have happened in real life!” But that’s why readers pick up a Fantasy (or SciFi or Horror). They want you to make them believe that crazy things could really happen, that there is really magic, mystery, and wonder in the world, at least for a little while, at least while they’re reading your book.
Part of the fun of Harry Potter is thinking that someday (maybe!) you might get your acceptance letter to Hogwarts. And what fun would Doctor Who be if we didn’t all secretly believe that someday he might show up in in his TARDIS and whisk us away on an adventure.
When you’re editing, no matter what you’re editing, the bottom line is that you must eliminate anything that prevents your reader from fully engaging in the story.
So there’s no need to cry for the loss of a chapter you loved or despair at the major restructuring required to make your plot believable. It’s all for the good of the story. It’s all for the reader, and that’s who editing is really all about.
Need help figuring out why readers are getting jarred from your story? Check out my editing services.
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.
Based on feedback from last week, I’ve decided to change up how the critique is done for this week.
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti
A few weeks ago something happened that changed my life forever. Something so incredible that some days I still have a hard time believing it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Though ironically, the day started out as one of the worst of my life.
I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.
I was ten minutes late to choir rehearsal which earned me the evil eye from my choir teacher, Mr. Stark. On top of that I had a pop quiz in math, a test in Spanish (my two least favorite subjects) and they were serving fish sticks in the cafeteria for lunch. I wasn’t sure how the day could get worse. Until the afternoon rolled around.
I realized that my science homework was sitting at home on the kitchen table and that I had read the wrong pages for my language arts assignment. To top it off, a freak thunderstorm let loose just as my class was headed outside for recess, forcing us to stay inside all afternoon. Lightning and thunder boomed for the rest of the day as the lights flickered, casting an ominous air over everything.
When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’
Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”
Alex was looking at me strangely. No one else was in the room with us.
I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Is Nana here?” I asked.
Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”
“I just thought I heard her earlier.”
“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.
“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.
“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.
I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes.
“Cady?”
I jerked up, looking around frantically. No one. Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.
“Cady, can you hear me?”
OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much.
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives Robin even more insight into where she’s hitting the mark and where she can improve.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti
A few weeks ago something happened that changed my life forever. Something so incredible that some days I still have a hard time believing it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Though ironically, the day started out as one of the worst of my life. < Unlike adult fiction, beginning middle grade novels with telling rather than showing is common and acceptable. However, what I see as a weakness here is that you have four bland sentences in a row. The sentences are vague and they also lack voice. In MG, you need to suck the reader in with a great voice from sentence one.
I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.
I was ten minutes late to choir rehearsal which earned me the evil eye from my choir teacher, Mr. Stark. On top of that I had a pop quiz in math, a test in Spanish (my two least favorite subjects) and they were serving fish sticks in the cafeteria for lunch. I wasn’t sure how the day could get worse. Until the afternoon rolled around. < These are relatively bland obstacles. Setting them as a list like this (rather than showing them) additionally de-emphasizes their severity. She got the evil eye, had a test, and ate fish sticks for lunch, I can imagine most MG readers feeling like this describes every day of their lives, not a particularly bad one.
I realized that my science homework was sitting at home on the kitchen table and that I had read the wrong pages for my language arts assignment. To top it off, a freak thunderstorm let loose just as my class was headed outside for recess, forcing us to stay inside all afternoon. Lightning and thunder boomed for the rest of the day as the lights flickered, casting an ominous air over everything. < As a reader, I don’t know this kid. I actually don’t know a single thing about her, her age, her personality, the stakes in her life, etc. So I don’t have any reason to care that she had a bad day. You could write that a tornado wiped out the whole town and I’d still be thinking, so what? You have to earn your reader’s caring by giving us a reason to care about the character.
When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course < This is the first inkling of a voice. You need to pump it up and give the reader more. – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’ < I thought she was a boy until right now.
Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”
Alex was looking at me strangely. < This is bland and vague. Show the reader his face. Are his eyebrows raised? His mouth scrunched to one side? No one else was in the room with us. < I didn’t think anyone was in the room with them. I assumed the shouting was coming from another place in the house.
I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Is Nana here?” I asked. < I think this scene would play out a lot more interestingly if she still thought Nana was there and came downstairs saying, “Hi Nana!”
Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”
“I just thought I heard her earlier.”
“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.
“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.
“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.
I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes. < Is Alex gone at this point?
“Cady?” < This name makes me think of Mean Girls.
I jerked up, looking around frantically. < Instead of using an adverb, use more evocative language. For example: I jerked up, flinging my head side to side. No one. < I understand what you’re going for here, but I think you need to emphasize that the voice sounds like it’s coming from within the room, otherwise I would assume it’s coming from outside the room so she’d have to search the house rather than just looking around herself.Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.
“Cady, can you hear me?”
OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? < The mixing of tenses here bothers me. They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much. < This is the second inkling of a voice.
My Overall Thoughts
I’m a big fan of middle grade and as such, I have really high standards. To me, this opening page was pretty flat. It wasn’t bad, but it was very bland. In a stack of middle grade novels, this is unlikely to jump out at me.
Key Places to Improve:
Voice, voice, voice! You need to crank the dial up from 2 to 90. Character is very important to middle grade readers. They want characters they can grow to love, which starts with a very strong, unique voice. Let her be in her world and experience it, make observations, comment on things. Give her some space to show us who she is before introducing the inciting incident (hearing voices presumably).
In addition to voice, you need to give Cady an obstacle, motivation, or desire. This is something that the reader sees coming long before it’s relevant to the main plot. For example: wanting to be popular, having a sick parent, being poor, hating her hair, having a mean older sister, dealing with a bully, etc., etc., etc. These things serve as an extra psychological push during the main plot, and it also gives us a reason to care about the character.
Try to create more vivid imagery. You don’t need to give long descriptions of everything, but right now you’re not giving the reader much of anything. Cady feels like a stick figure on a white paper. What does her room look like? What color is her cat? How much younger is her little brother? What does her mother look like? What is her mother cooking? How messy was the bathroom sink and mirror? What does she think fish sticks taste like? Does she like school or only hate it? These are just some ideas of ways you could add color and life to the story.
The Writeditor’s Grade: 2
I’m giving this a two because while I think there’s a hint of something interesting, it isn’t pulling me in. It feels a bit like you couldn’t wait to get to the hearing voices part so you just wrote a few throwaway paragraphs to get to that point. But the problem is that readers won’t stick with you if they have no reason to care about the character, have difficulty visualizing what’s going on, and don’t have a voice to latch onto.
My Grading Scale:
1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.
2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.
3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.
4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.
5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Connect with Lisen
You can connect with Lisen (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @LisenMinetti
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.
Based on feedback from last week, I’ve decided to change up how the critique is done for this week.
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Paranormal Mystery First 500 – By Robin St. Clare
I’m crouched in a small closet, trying not to breathe, when the furniture in the adjoining room starts moving. Through the keyhole I watch as a stately upholstered armchair inches across the floor, but then with a sudden lurch it picks up speed. The chair’s carven legs scrape over the hardwood floor, leaving the the arcane symbols chalked onto the floor smudged and disrupted. I slowly draw back from the door, bringing up my video camera to the keyhole. I can only imagine that video proof is going to be necessary for this. As I start recording, an unearthly moan rises within the room, sounding as if it’s emanating from the walls themselves.
Continuing to watch the tableau on the camera viewscreen, I wince as the most elaborate symbol, drawn to ward off evil spirits, is distorted into unrecognizability. Fiona spent forever making sure it was perfect. She’s going to be so upset.
Not least of all because the entity responsible for the moving furniture is a person and not a supernatural being.
I briefly consider bursting from the closet to confront Mrs. Pevington, who is currently leaning heavily on the armchair trying to catch a breath, but I don’t want to give the poor old lady a heart attack. Well, old lady. She’s not exactly “poor” in any sense of the word. Evelyn Pevington lives next door to the house we’re in now, but in this upscale neighborhood that entails more than a short walk over. I have to be impressed with her dedication to her cause. Although it is kind of a terrible cause.
Eventually Mrs. Pevington evaluates the room and, evidently satisfied with her handiwork, shuffles off, back to her own house I assume. I wait an extra minute or two, then gratefully unbend, muscles protesting all the way. Next time I’m bringing a folding chair. Or better yet, just leaving the video camera and waiting somewhere comfortable.
I open the closet door and step into the room, still documenting the scene with the video camera.
“Well,” I say, narrating for future audiences, “I think we can rule out ghostly activity. So far as the redecorating goes, anyway.” I sweep the camera around the room a few more times, making sure not to miss anything, while heading towards the source of the eerie wails still echoing around the room. I follow the sound to the south wall. An elegant bookcase stands against the wall, housing a few classics and a Ming vase that’s probably insured for more than I’m worth. Half hidden behind the bookcase, I spy an air vent set into the wall just above the baseboard. “I think I’ve found the source of the mysterious wailing,” I say as I bend down. Setting the camera on the floor, still facing the vent, I examine the metal cover. The screws have been loosened recently and I’m able to lift it off relatively easily. Inside, sitting in the vent, is… a cassette player. Seriously? These things still exist?
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives Robin even more insight into where she’s hitting the mark and where she can improve.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Paranormal Mystery First 500 – By Robin St. Clare
I’m crouched in a small closet, trying not to breathe, when the furniture in the adjoining room starts moving. << I recommend avoiding opening a chapter, especially a first chapter, with a sentence containing “when,” “as,” “while,” etc. because it takes some of the immediacy out of the action. Through the keyhole I watch as a stately upholstered armchair inches across the floor, << You already explained that the furniture started moving (we don’t need that explained twice), but now you’re showing it so I’d keep this sentence and cut the first one.but then with a sudden lurch it picks up speed. The chair’s carven legs scrape over the hardwood floor, leaving the the arcane symbols chalked onto the floor smudged and disrupted << This is sort of a backwards way of articulating this. Keep it simple. For example: The chair’s carven legs smudge the arcane symbols chalked onto the hardwood floor. . I slowly draw back from the door, bringing up my video camera to the keyhole. I can only imagine that video proof is going to be necessary for this << “This” is too vague.. As I start recording, an unearthly moan rises within the room, sounding as if it’s emanating from the walls themselves.
Continuing to watch the tableau on the camera viewscreen , I wince as the most elaborate symbol, drawn to ward off evil spirits, is distorted into unrecognizability<< This isn’t really a word so I suggest rephrasing.. Fiona spent forever making sure it was perfect. She’s going to be so upset. << At this point I’m not sure how much fear I’m supposed to be feeling. Is this a life-threatening situation or just a game? Is the narrator scared? It’s not clear.
Not least of all because the entity responsible for the moving furniture is a person and not a supernatural being.
I briefly consider bursting from the closet to confront Mrs. Pevington, who is currently leaning heavily on the armchair trying to catch a breath, << I feel a bit duped finding out that nothing supernatural is going on. but I don’t want to give the poor old lady a heart attack. Well, old lady. She’s not exactly “poor” in any sense of the word. Evelyn Pevington lives next door to the house we’re in now << “We” who? Also, it’s not clear if she is in her own house or Mrs. Pevinton’s. , but in this upscale neighborhood that entails more than a short walk over << The wording of the second half of this sentence confused me. I had to read it three times. I’d find a simpler way of explaining this. . I have to be impressed with her dedication to her cause. Although it is kind of a terrible cause. << I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say “cause.”
Eventually Mrs. Pevington evaluates the room and, evidently satisfied with her handiwork, shuffles off, back to her own house I assume. << I’m pretty confused about what has transpired. I wait an extra minute or two, then gratefully unbend, muscles protesting all the way. Next time I’m bringing a folding chair. Or better yet, just leaving the video camera and waiting somewhere comfortable.
I open the closet door and step into the room, still documenting the scene with the video camera.
“Well,” I say, narrating for future audiences, “I think we can rule out ghostly activity. So far as the redecorating goes, anyway.” I sweep the camera around the room a few more times, making sure not to miss anything, while heading towards the source of the eerie wails still echoing around the room << I assumed this wailing stopped a long time ago. Mentioning it another time prior to here would probably be a good idea. . I follow the sound to the south wall. An elegant bookcase stands against the wall, housing a few classics and a Ming vase that’s probably insured for more than I’m worth. Half hidden behind the bookcase, I spy an air vent set into the wall just above the baseboard. “I think I’ve found the source of the mysterious wailing,” I say as I bend down. Setting the camera on the floor, still facing the vent, I examine the metal cover. The screws have been loosened recently << How does she know the screws were loosened recently vs. in the distant past? and I’m able to lift it off relatively easily. Inside, sitting in the vent, is… a cassette player. Seriously? These things still exist? << What I am ascertaining from this, though I could be wrong, is that Mrs. Pevington is moving things around to create the illusion of ghosts? If this is the case, I’m confused as to why she would play moaning sounds. Wouldn’t she then get caught because the house’s occupants would hear her?
My Overall Thoughts
I’m generally a fan of present tense, but it always makes me cringe a little because I anticipate a lot of mistakes, however I didn’t catch a single one in this excerpt so bravo!
You present some intriguing questions about what Mrs. Pevington is doing, but I do wish it were a bit clearer who and where the main character is.
Key Places to Improve:
For the same reason you don’t start a chapter with a dream, it’s generally not a good idea to dupe the reader into thinking something interesting and exciting is happening only to reveal that that isn’t the case. This could give agents/editors the impression that you don’t feel your opening is good enough to stand on its own without a bit of trickery.
Opening with the narrator “crouched in a small closet” made my brain immediately think that the character was very young. The spying through the keyhole gave me a young vibe as well. Since this novel is intended for adult readers, think about ways to make it clear your narrator is an adult as early as possible.
I think you could pull a little more emotion out of your narrator. Was she surprised, disgusted, angry, amused, etc. to find out that Mrs. Pevington was moving the furniture? Show this in the narration.
I couldn’t figure out whether the narrator was in her own house, Mrs. Pevinton’s house, or someone else’s house. Clarifying that would help strengthen the opening.
The Writeditor’s Grade: 3
The opening intrigued me, which is great. That’s exactly what you want to do with a first chapter. But finding out nothing supernatural was going on and that the narrator knew this, felt a little too much like a trick. Readers: what are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree?
The writing itself could be a bit clearer in the places I marked, and a more significant emotional connection to the character would help draw in readers.
I don’t think you’re far off with this. The primary issues are those things that writers can’t see on their own, the things that end up misunderstood or misinterpreted by readers.
My Grading Scale:
1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.
2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.
3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.
4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.
5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Connect with Robin
You can connect with Robin (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @clarewrites
Submit to First Page Friday
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
I’ve edited a lot of novels lately that rely heavily on the villain’s point of view. Occasionally this can be an interesting way to add tension and suspense. It can also assist in conveying a complicated plot that would be confusing from only the good guy’s perspective. But often the villain’s point of view detracts from the story.
Outshining the Hero
We all love villains. We’re fascinated by monsters, serial killers, and double agents. But we’re not quite as inherently fascinated with the good guy. That’s because we all know what makes good guys tick.
Readers love puzzling out what makes some people do really bad things. So if you’re including the villain’s point of view, you’re working with readers’ natural fascination with the bad guy. If you don’t successfully present an even more fascinating good guy, the book won’t sit with readers the way you want it to. The villain could push the hero into the sidelines.
Zapping Suspense
If you clue the reader in on the villain’s plans, it’s possible to zap the suspense out of the novel. Rather than wondering what’s going on along with the good guy, the reader is simply waiting for the good guy to catch up with what they already know. This not only cuts suspense, but it can also make the good guy look unintelligent. Since the reader knows the answer, they think the hero should too.
If the novel is a mystery, including the villain’s point of view can cut out all of the mystery elements. If we already know who the double agent is, why care about the good guy’s investigation?
Tips for Including the Villain’s Point of View
If the villain’s point of view is required to tell the story, here are some tips on how to do it right.
Don’t linger on the villain. Give the hero substantially more “screen time.” Only use the villain’s point of view where it increases suspense.
Let the hero reveal important information. If the hero is the one who keys the reader in on the big revelations, they’ll find the hero far more fascinating and important than the villain.
Keep it vague. You can show the bad guy torturing the hero’s partner, but don’t tell us that it’s revenge for his mother’s death or that it’s in the abandoned childhood home of our hero. Snippets of intense situations increases our suspense, but answers zap it.
Introduce other mysteries. If keeping it vague doesn’t work with the story, let the bad guy reveal what he’s doing and why, but introduce a different sort of mystery for the good guy to reveal. This could be a dark personal secret or another layer to the villain’s scheme.
Fully characterize the hero. Don’t give us a good guy that’s just a hollow shell. He needs to have a personality with both good and bad qualities.
Give the hero personal stakes. If the hero has nothing at stake other than solving the case/crime or stopping the bad guy, readers won’t care all that much if he succeeds. The key is to give the hero something personal at stake, something readers don’t want him to lose.
This is part two in my middle grade fiction series. Here is part one: Genres & Topics. Future installments will include information and statistics on word count and debut vs. established authors.
To receive notifications when the rest of the series is posted (as well as my other blog posts), submit your email address in the side bar to the left.
Methodology
I compiled the statistics below based on the New York Times Bestsellers List for middle grade novels. I included all novels that made the top ten list between April and September 2013 (a six month period).
I did not include media tie-ins (Lego, Disney, Star Wars, etc.) as these books have their own momentum that may have nothing to do with the subject matter, the quality of the book, etc.
I did not include nonfiction.
I did not include books that were sequels because they are not standing alone on their own merit.
I did include books that are the first in a series even if a subsequent book had already been published before the first book made it on the bestsellers list.
Purpose of Research
While there are a lot of factors that go into a book’s success, I wanted to break down the elements of the most popular middle grade books in the current market.
My primary motivation in doing this is to answer some of the most frequently asked questions by aspiring middle grade authors, such as appropriate topics, genres, word counts, point of view, tense, etc.
Bestselling Middle Grade Tense & Point of View
Present Vs. Past Tense
Whether or not agents, editors, and readers like or hate present tense has been a point of speculation for a lot of writers for quite some time.
Of the 22 books on the list, 16 were in past tense and 6 were in present. While past tense remains more popular, present tense is clearly acceptable in middle grade fiction.
Present vs Past Tense in Realistic Fiction
Present tense was slightly more common in realistic fiction than in fantastical fiction. Out of 10 books, 3 were in present tense.
Present vs. Past Tense in Fantastical Fiction
Present tense was slightly less common in fantastical fiction than in realistic fiction. Out of 12 books, 3 were in present tense.
Third vs. First Person Point of View
First person point of view has been becoming increasingly popular. It turns out that first person point of view has actually surpassed third person point of view among bestselling middle grade novels.
Out of 22 books, 12 were in first person and 10 were in third.
First Person vs. Third Person in Realistic Fiction
This is where the statistics get really interesting. First Person is far more popular in realistic fiction.
Out of 10 books, 7 were in first person and only 3 were in third.
First Person vs. Third Person in Fantastical Fiction
In fantastical fiction (fantasy, paranormal, etc.), third person was slightly more common.
Out of 12 books, 7 were in third person and 5 were in first person.
Conclusion
Realistic fiction is both more likely to be in present tense and more likely to be in first person, while fantastical fiction is more likely to stick to the traditional third person past tense.
However, no clear conclusions can be drawn from this data since we don’t know whether there is more first person and present tense in realistic fiction simply because more writers choose to write it this way (rather than that it is preferred by agents, editors, or readers).
My primary conclusion from this data is that anything goes. If you want to write a present tense, first person middle grade novel, it certainly doesn’t seem to be an inherently tough sell.
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First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Historical Fiction First 500 – By Maria Reeves
Maria informed me that this is an early draft, so I’m going to try to focus more on the big picture.
Strait of Juan De Fuca
July 17, 1897
It was amazing, Beriah thought, that the moon could be so yellow. She looked like a celestial gold nugget, << At first I thought the “she” was Beriah. hanging heavy and low in the night sky. << Starting with weather, the night sky, the moon, etc. is considered cliche and is likely to turn off agents and editors. It didn’t matter that she was waning; her beauty spoke for itself. Every night she issued a gentle reminder to humanity to strive beyond our limitations, to reach outside our capabilities, to explore the unknown. She belonged to everyone and no one, but tonight, Beriah knew she existed only for him << This threw me off because I expected Beriah to be a woman. It sounds like a feminine name to me. , and together they were going to issue a challenge to humanity that would be remembered for all time. << This paragraph is pretty generic. It doesn’t tell me anything about your character or the story other than that it’s nighttime.
Of course, much of that was dependent on human error, specifically Beriah’s human error, but he tried not to think about << Again, this isn’t telling me anything. The success of almost anything and everything is dependent on a lack of human error. that as he stood on the deck of the Sea Lion, a tiny tugboat, that was charging up the Straight of Juan De Fuca like a lonely ghost ship in the middle of the night. Beriah stood tall despite his nerves and checked his gold pocket watch for what must have been the thousandth time since he’d boarded the Sea Lion earlier that evening. <<Readers can infer that it’s been over the course of this evening. This slows down the paragraph. The watch had been a gift from his father, also a Beriah Brown, as well as a former Post Intelligencer editor and, one time Mayor of Seattle. << Does this matter for some reason? It seems a bit irrelevant.
This opening section has no apparent conflict and not enough information to grab my attention. If I picked this up at the book store, I wouldn’t keep reading.
2:14 AM.
Beriah felt the Captain’s eyes on him and tucked his watch back into his breast pocket. He’d made promises, perhaps too big for a lowly reporter to fulfill if he was wrong about tonight. << You’re still being vague. What promises? What is he trying to accomplish? What’s going on? He cleared his throat and clutched a sealskin bag firmly, in spite of the strap that was cinched tightly across his shoulder. He couldn’t think about what would happen to him if he were wrong. << He might not want to think about it, but as the reader, I want to know. What will happen if he’s wrong? And wrong about what? He felt himself reach for his watch again. Surely the moon, his cohort, was deceiving him.
There is still no conflict, only hints at one. My attention still hasn’t been grabbed.
2:14 AM.
He heard the steamship before he could see her. The Portland was storming towards them up the strait. She sounded old and tired, laboring as if her contents were trying to pull her under. If Beriah was right, they were. She materialized from the shadows. << It’s repetitive to say that she materialized after you said that she was storming towards them, which implies that Beriah could already see the ship. So you’ve mentioned Beriah seeing the ship a total of three times in four sentences. This creates a feeling in the reader of jumping forward and backward in time: he’s seen the ship, then he sees it coming up the straight, then it materializes (implying he hasn’t seen it yet). This jars the reader out of the story. There was something beautiful about her stubborn nature. She was defiant and unrelenting, meticulously trying to outrun a fate that would drag her to the depths of oblivion if she showed any sign of weakness. << What “fate” are you referring to? Share more with the reader. Beriah counted on the moon, hoping she would reveal the Sea Lion to the Portland before it was too late, before they would collide, sending the Sea Lion to her doom while the Portland charged ahead. << This should be an exciting concept, but it’s not hitting my emotions. Mostly because I know nothing about Beriah or the ship. I have no reason to care what happens next.
Beriah nodded at the Captain and felt their speed increase. This was his moment to make something of himself separate from his father and family name. << Why does he want to make something of himself? I don’t have enough information to understand why this is important. He felt like he could taste his heart as they charged the steamship head-on, in a desperate play to intercept the Portland before she made port in Seattle. << I thought the ships were going to collide? Now they’re intercepting her on purpose? So he wants the ships to collide? It’s not clear. They would succeed, or they would die. Either way, he took comfort that the moon would bear witness. << I don’t understand Beriah’s preoccupation with the moon.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
My Overall Thoughts
The writing style is pleasant in that the structure is simple, flows nicely, and is easy to understand. But I don’t know what’s going on. Not because I don’t understand what’s on the page, but because there isn’t enough there. I know that Beriah is on a ship, has a preoccupation with the moon, and wants to intercept another ship for some reason, but I don’t really know anything about the main character or his motivations.
My emotions are not engaged.
Key Places to Improve
There’s a difference between raising intriguing questions and being so vague that there’s nothing for the reader to latch onto. Unfortunately, this leans strongly towards the latter for me. The vague statements feel like you’re withholding information to try to create tension. Tell the reader what’s going on or they’re not going to stick around.
The timestamps seemed odd to me. Is there a very good reason for their inclusion? If not, I would get rid of them. They cut up what little action there is, and I think they’re encouraging you to be vague and repetitive by including short sections that aren’t really needed.
Watch out for filtering (heard, felt, saw, etc.). This is probably a pervasive problem in your writing, but it’s one that can be easily fixed.
Give us more of your character. Not back story necessarily, but something that shows the reader who he is. In the first few pages (as soon as possible), you want to establish: what the main character wants, why the reader should be sympathetic, and how the main character is being proactive. None of these things are clear other than that the main character doesn’t want the ships to collide.
The Writeditor’s Grade: 1
I’m not sure what this novel is about so I’m not sure whether you’re starting in the right place. If this is the best place to start, make it exciting, create tension, make us feel the character’s worry. Avoid long descriptions of the sky and moon. Avoid vague statements and thoughts. Be specific. Make it feel real.
I am giving this a one, not because the writing is terrible, but because this doesn’t do what a first page needs to do: suck the reader into the story.
My Grading Scale:
1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.
2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.
3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.
4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.
5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Reader Participation
What Do You Think?
Grades are subjective. The more people grading her work, the better grasp the writer will have on how much she needs to improve. Please help Maria by providing your own grade.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are welcome in the comments section below. Explaining your grade gives Maria even more insight.
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her editing services and testimonials.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
As much as we all know to never ever use info dumps, it doesn’t always make sense to convey something through dialogue or a flashback, and sometimes you need the reader to know the information right away – you don’t have time to trickle it through several chapters.
So for those times when you truly need to do some telling instead of showing, here are some tricks to slip it in unnoticed.
Establish a Scene
Before moving into an info dump, always establish a scene. This means that the very first information conveyed needs to establish the basics: who, what, when, and where. Let the reader know what your character is up to and they will have something to visualize. Visualizing something (anything!), helps the reader stay engrossed in the scene.
The Scene has to Matter
The scene you establish must be in some way integral to telling the story. The scene’s purpose cannot be simply to dump information on the reader. Something interesting must happen in the moment of the scene, not only in the info dump. For more about this, check out: How to Spot a Bad Scene or Chapter.
Stick to the Facts
Does the reader really need to know that Hank was late to Jane’s wedding, the Halloween party, and Christmas Eve? Or do they just need to know that Hank is always late? If it’s the fact that the reader needs (Hank is always late), and not the story (Hank was late to Jane’s wedding, etc.), then stick to the one sentence fact, don’t tell a two paragraph story.
Keep it Short
Think critically about what the reader really needs to know to understand the story. Every time you want to tell something, ask yourself: If I didn’t tell this, would it reduce the reader’s comprehension of the story? If the answer is no, leave it out. Don’t slip into the trap of believing that more information always enhances the story. If the characters, plot, and world make sense without the information, the readers don’t need it.
Couch it in Action
Couching an info dump in action allows the scene to maintain momentum rather than grinding to a screeching halt. A lack of momentum is what makes info dumps so glaringly annoying in the first place. So instead of Jane sitting at the window contemplating how Hank is always late, she can think about it while pacing around her apartment. The key word is “while.” She needs to think about it while pacing, not before or after.
Let’s look at a scene that does not follow these rules:
Hank was never there when Jane needed him. She would sit and wait for hours and he’d never show up. He was late to her wedding even though she sent a cab to his door at the right time to pick him up. He was late to the Halloween party when they were dressing up together as M&Ms. They worked for hours on those costumes and almost missed the party. And then there was Christmas Eve. Hank was Jane’s secret Santa and he was so late that she had to open her gift after the party had already ended. And he never even cared. He just shrugged it off like it was no big deal. But Jane cared. She cared a lot.
Jane laid down and went to bed. Maybe someday Hank would change and be the man that she needed.
Why it Doesn’t Work
Let’s break down why the above scene doesn’t work by examining each of the rules.
Establish a Scene: Where is Jane? What is she doing? Why is she thinking about Hank always being late? We don’t know any of that until after the huge paragraph of info dump.
The Scene has to Matter: Is this scene really necessary to the book? Nothing happens except Jane pouting about Hank’s lateness and then she goes to bed. With no conflict or relevance to the rest of the novel, this scene is clearly not needed.
Stick to the Facts: Do we really need to know that they were going to dress up as M&Ms? Or that she sent a cab to his house on her wedding day? My guess is no. What we really need to know is that Hank is always late.
Keep it Short: Is everything in this paragraph necessary to grasp the concept that Hank is often late? Clearly not. And remember, we don’t want to fall into the trap of believing that all details “enhance” the story. They very often do not.
Couch it in Action: There’s no action in this scene until the last sentence, so obviously no couching is happening here.
So how can we rewrite this scene?
Jane paced back and forth in front of her apartment door. Hank was late. She wrung the end of her shirt in her hands. He was always late. She took a deep breath and paced harder. Maybe he didn’t want their relationship to work out as much as she did.
There was a knock at the door. She yanked it open and Hank stood there, a bright smile on his face. Two hours late. She sighed.
Why is this better?
Let’s break it down:
Establish a Scene: This is done right away. We know where Jane is and what she’s doing.
The Scene has to Matter: Hank is on his way over so presumably something is going to develop with the plot.
Stick to the Facts: Rather than long stories, there were brief sentences about Hank’s lateness.
Keep it Simple: The facts weren’t embellished with a bunch of extras. It was simple and quick.
Couch it in Action: Jane is active, before, during, and after the information is conveyed, so the reader is never yanked from the scene.
And here’s the kicker: Writing a scene like this is usually easier, faster, and actually conveys more emotional information than an ordinary info dump. If you use these techniques, your writing will improve, guaranteed!
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This is part one in my middle grade fiction series. Future installments will include information and statistics on word count, point of view, tense, and debut vs. established authors.
To receive notifications when the rest of the series is posted (as well as my other blog posts), submit your email address in the side bar to the left.
Methodology
I compiled the statistics below based on the New York Times Bestsellers List for middle grade novels. I included all novels that made the top ten list between April and September 2013 (a six month period).
I did not include media tie-ins (Lego, Disney, Star Wars, etc.) as these books have their own momentum that may have nothing to do with the subject matter, the quality of the book, etc.
I did not include nonfiction.
I did not include books that were sequels because they are not standing alone on their own merit.
I did include books that are the first in a series even if a subsequent book had already been published before the first book made it on the bestsellers list.
Purpose of Research
While there are a lot of factors that go into a book’s success, I wanted to break down the elements of the most popular middle grade books in the current market.
My primary motivation in doing this is to answer some of the most frequently asked questions by aspiring middle grade authors, such as appropriate topics, genres, word counts, point of view, tense, etc.
Bestselling Middle Grade Genres & Topics
Realistic vs. Fantastical
Rather than split hairs about individual genres, I decided to breakdown the bestselling books based on whether or not they are realistic or fantastical.
I am defining realistic as anything that could possibly happen in real life and fantastical as anything that cannot happen in real life. Talking animals are included under fantastical.
Of the 22 books on the list, 10 were realistic and 12 were fantastical.
Realistic Fiction Topics
In realistic fiction, the most popular topic/genre was Historical. Keep in mind that teachers are one of the biggest purchases of middle grade books and are more likely to buy the educational historical novels over a humor or mystery novel.
Humor and Mystery were the primary topics/themes of two books each. There were also two books with a disabled main character. I included “disabled main character” as a topic when it was the driving force behind the novel rather than incidental.
Only one sports book made the list. It may be important to note that this book was written by a professional soccer player, which may or may not have driven sales.
Fantastical Fiction Topics
In fantastical fiction, the most popular genre/topic was books set in a fantasy world. I defined “Fantasy World” as a book that takes place entirely in a fantasy world and in which the real world does not exist at all. There were five of these on the bestsellers list, making it by far the most popular form of fantastical fiction.
“Portal Fantasy” is a novel that starts in the real world and features a child who is transported into a fantasy world. There were two of these.
I defined “personified animals” as animals that are the main character or who narrate the story. Aside from the personified animals, there were no fantastical elements in these story. The setting and plot would have been realistic had the main character been a human. There were two of these.
There was only one Dystopian novel and it featured dogs as the main characters (this was not included under “personified animals” due to other fantasy elements). Since the only bestselling Dystopian featured dogs, it is not clear whether Dystopian with humans would be successful in middle grade.
One book featured fantasy elements in the real world, meaning that the characters were not transported to another world but simply found magic here on earth.
One book was Paranormal, but the author was extremely well established before its publication, making it difficult to say whether paranormal would be a successful genre for a debut author.
Animals
Animals made quite a few appearances in middle grade books. Three books featured animals as a significant element of the plot, and two featured animals as the main characters, for a total of five books featuring animals in a significant role.
Absent Genres
In addition to exploring the popular genres, it’s important to note the genres that made no appearance at all. There was not a single Science Fiction novel on the list. There also wasn’t any Horror, though some of the fantasy books had some minor horror elements.
In realistic fiction, there weren’t any stories about normal kids facing major life issues (bullying, divorce, etc.). There were two humor books that dealt with popularity, but the only realistic fiction with a serious tone were the two books about disabled main characters.
There are two ways to look at these absent genres/topics. They could either be areas of opportunity or areas with poor sales. It’s difficult to determine without further research, but I tend to believe that there is always a place for a well-written novel of any genre.
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Hooray for the first ever First Page Friday! If you missed my introductory post, here’s some info:
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
SciFi First 500 – By Charles Naylor
As the blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face and cut into the wall behind him, he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. << Avoid starting sentences with “as.” It’s not nearly as active or engaging as a simple rewrite: The blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face, cutting into the wall behind him, as he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. He remembered waking, and he remembered the rum, and he remembered Tak practically beating down his door as he burnt an omelet. But did he turn the oven off before Tak poured him into a pair of pants and hustled him outside? << I like how you’ve incorporated back story in a way that isn’t obvious or info dumping.
He tried to roll left, but the fifth of rum he killed this morning made it more of a lurch-then-skid as the big bastard << Who is “the big bastard”? jerked his Cryotek Series II Plasma Cutter in the opposite direction, cutting a foot-wide line through the wall behind him. Buggin wrinkled his nose, he always hated the smell of melted concrete and rebar, and<< These are two different concepts that don’t need to be connected as one sentence.>>Heclosed his left eye while bracing his heavy laser rifle against his right shoulder. He switched on his gun’s scope, disabling the transparency effect on his eyepatch << Since an eyepatch was not previously mentioned, I had to read this a couple of times to assess what I think you are saying – that he wears the eyepatch all the time and it darkens while he’s using the gun’s scope. For the sake of not jarring the reader, I think this could be made clearer. and piping in the scope’s wireless feed. He didn’t need the scope’s infrared sensor to notice the tip of the Plasma Cutter igniting again.
“Shit!” Buggin managed torolled left just as another blue line ignited the area he had previously occupied, the busted concrete scattered on the ground that dug at his back working together with his near-death experience to briefly pierce the cloud of inebriation that suffused his brain.<< This sentence is working too hard, especially the second half. You have four things going on: he’s rolling left, he has concretedigging into his back, he’s having a near death experience, and his inebriation is pierced. Break these things up a bit. Give each some screen time with the reader so they can be processed separately. That wasn’t a Series II PC, hell it wasn’t even a Series III. That had to be some prototype PC to cooldown << “cooldown” should be two words “cool down.” in two seconds.
“Tak, you asshole! You told me they were some punk gangbangers using ten–year–old tech! If this bastard isn’t using some prototype shit I’ll eat my damned eyepatch!”
Tak, busy exchanging shots with a few gangbangers from behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal that had once been a car, << Consider making this more active. For example: Tak flung himself behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal and shot at the gangbangers. shouted back, “That’s what I was told! Maybe that gun came from the merch they stole? The guy << Does “the guy” have a name? If so, use it here. If not, I’d use something a bit stronger like “the bastard.”that hired me wouldn’t tell me what they took, only that it was worth 1500 credits EACH << All caps is usually discouraged and may appear unprofessional. if we could recover it!”
Buggin, in the middle of the room after his last roll and wishing he hadn’t drank so much <<This sentence construction is weakening what you’re trying to say. It’s always better to show something happening in the moment rather than explaining that it happened in the past. For example, this could be rewritten as: Buggin rolled into the middle of the room, his head swirling. If only he hadn’t drank so much. , scanned the room as he stumbled to his feet. He started a count as he ran for the nearest cover, a pillar twenty feet away.
One. A plan began to coalesce in his liquored-up brain. He looked over his shoulder, tryingand tried<< This reads as more active. to place himself between the pillar and the bastard.
One and a half. The pillar is in front of him, the bastard behind.<< You’ve switched to present tense.
Two. Trusting to his count, he dived forward and slightly-left << “slightly-left” should not be hyphenated. just as another blue plasma beam cut the air, punching a foot-wide hole in the pillar as he painfully belly-flopped onto some more loose concrete scattered around it. << This is another sentence that’s working too hard. You’ve got too much going on: he trusts his count, he dives forward, another plasma beam cuts the air, the beam punches a hole, he painfully belly flops, he lands on loose concrete. Whew! That’s an awful lot to pack into one sentence. Break it up.
Buggin groaned, as he climbed to his feet, and ducked behind the pillar. Once in cover he took a half second to collect himself and observe the situation.<<This is telling (rather than showing). You can easily show that he’s collecting himself and observing the situation. He and Tak were caught between the bastard <<Who is “the bastard”? and the two bangers. One banger used suppressing fire << I don’t know what “suppressing fire” means so I can’t visualize this. to keep Tak pinned as the other moved from cover to get into a better flanking position. If he didn’t do something now Tak was good as dead.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
My Overall Thoughts
I can tell that Charles knows enough about his craft to not make beginner mistakes, and I felt like I was in the hands of a competent storyteller. The dialogue and voice both sounded natural. My biggest complaint is clarity, which was something that hung me up quite a few times.
The novel starts with a fairly humorous sentence about the main character being more worried about his oven being on than about the fight at hand. This is a great hook, but make sure it is true to the rest of the story. There were no other humorous moments or significant displays of the main character’s personality in the rest of the opening, which leads me to wonder if this is a hook that isn’t backed up by the rest of the novel.
Key Places to Improve
Watch out for sentences constructed like this: something happened as something else happened. This sentence construction was used nine times. That’s about 50% of non-dialogue sentences. The problem with this construction is that it makes the action feel less active, which makes it less engaging.
Where is this scene taking place? They’re in a room and there are pillars, but there is also a rusted-out old car. I can’t visualize the space, which distances me from the story.
Use short, choppy sentences to create tension and excitement. Watch out for sentences that are doing double, triple, or quadruple duty. These sentences are explaining so many concepts at once that each concept doesn’t have time to gel in the reader’s brain. In other words, it can both reduce tension and lower the reader’s comprehension.
Overall, I think you could be a bit richer with the details. Are they wearing street clothes or space suits? Are they in a warehouse? An indoor junkyard? What makes the various weapons different? What does the enemy look like? Are they fifteen or eighty-five? I’m intrigued by what’s happening, but I don’t really know what’s happening.
Where does the voice/humor go after the first paragraph? I missed it because it was a big part of what drew me into the story. The first few sentences of a novel set the tone for the whole book and make a promise to the reader about what’s to come. Writers always need to make sure that they’re living up to this promise.
The Writeditor’s Grade: 3.5
I’m giving this a 3.5 because I’m intrigued, but I’m not jumping out of my seat with enthusiasm. While I would definitely read on, if what’s happening isn’t made clear in the next couple hundred words, you’d probably lose me. Improving the voice after the first paragraph would bump this up to a 4.
My Grading Scale:
1 – Wouldn’t have read past the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.
2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.
3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.
4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.
5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall writing ability.
Reader Participation
What Do You Think?
Grades are subjective. The more people grading his work, the better grasp the writer will have on how much he needs to improve. Please help Charles by providing your own grade.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are welcome in the comments section below. Explaining your grade gives Charles even more insight.
Submit to First Page Friday
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her editing services and testimonials.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
Once you’ve perfected your plot and polished up your prose, there’s a quick way to add an extra layer of shine to your novel: Find and Replace.
The “Find and Replace” feature (sometimes called “Search and Replace”) is an easy way to get rid of bad writing habits that you might not notice when reading straight through your novel.
Here are some things to search for and eliminate from your book:
Replace these words with active verbs. We don’t need to know that the character started doing something, we just need to know that they’re doing it. “Start” and “began” make the action feel less active so consequently, the reader is less engaged.
Example: He started to run.
Change to: He ran.
Adverbs
Find: ly (this can be a bit tedious, but if you have a love affair with adverbs it will be well worth the time.)
Replace words ending in “ly” (AKA adverbs) with stronger verbs or cut them out entirely. Adverbs weaken the action rather than strengthen it, and they are often a sign of lazy writing.
Example: He quickly ran across the park.
Change to: He darted across the park.
Verbs Ending in “ing”
Find: ing (again, this can be pretty tedious, but it’s worth it.)
Replace verbs ending in “ing” with verbs ending in “ed” whenever it is proceeded by “was,” “were,” or “is.” This sort of “ing” verb makes the action less active and if you use it a lot, it can also raise your word count.
Sometimes, however, this sentence structure makes sense if an ongoing action is being described, but think critically about whether it makes a difference if the action was ongoing or immediate. If it doesn’t matter, go with “ed,” as in the example below.
Replace these time-based adverbs with stronger descriptions that show the suddenness, frequency, etc., or eliminate them entirely. I wrote a post about time-based adverbs here. But here’s the gist: more words take longer to read and make the action feel less immediate, not more immediate.
Example: I immediately ran through the door.
Change to: I ran through the door.
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Ellen Brock 