First Page Friday #4: Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy

October 18, 2013October 18, 201310 Comments

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.

Based on feedback from last week, I’ve decided to change up how the critique is done for this week.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti

I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.

When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’

Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”

Alex was looking at me strangely. No one else was in the room with us.

I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Is Nana here?” I asked.

Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”

“I just thought I heard her earlier.”

“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.

“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.

“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.

I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes.

“Cady?”

I jerked up, looking around frantically. No one. Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.

“Cady, can you hear me?”

OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives Robin even more insight into where she’s hitting the mark and where she can improve.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti

A few weeks ago something happened that changed my life forever. Something so incredible that some days I still have a hard time believing it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Though ironically, the day started out as one of the worst of my life. < Unlike adult fiction, beginning middle grade novels with telling rather than showing is common and acceptable. However, what I see as a weakness here is that you have four bland sentences in a row. The sentences are vague and they also lack voice. In MG, you need to suck the reader in with a great voice from sentence one.

I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.

I was ten minutes late to choir rehearsal which earned me the evil eye from my choir teacher, Mr. Stark. On top of that I had a pop quiz in math, a test in Spanish (my two least favorite subjects) and they were serving fish sticks in the cafeteria for lunch. I wasn’t sure how the day could get worse. Until the afternoon rolled around. < These are relatively bland obstacles. Setting them as a list like this (rather than showing them) additionally de-emphasizes their severity. She got the evil eye, had a test, and ate fish sticks for lunch, I can imagine most MG readers feeling like this describes every day of their lives, not a particularly bad one.

I realized that my science homework was sitting at home on the kitchen table and that I had read the wrong pages for my language arts assignment. To top it off, a freak thunderstorm let loose just as my class was headed outside for recess, forcing us to stay inside all afternoon. Lightning and thunder boomed for the rest of the day as the lights flickered, casting an ominous air over everything. < As a reader, I don’t know this kid. I actually don’t know a single thing about her, her age, her personality, the stakes in her life, etc. So I don’t have any reason to care that she had a bad day. You could write that a tornado wiped out the whole town and I’d still be thinking, so what? You have to earn your reader’s caring by giving us a reason to care about the character.

When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course < This is the first inkling of a voice. You need to pump it up and give the reader more. – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’ < I thought she was a boy until right now.

Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”

Alex was looking at me strangely. < This is bland and vague. Show the reader his face. Are his eyebrows raised? His mouth scrunched to one side? No one else was in the room with us. < I didn’t think anyone was in the room with them. I assumed the shouting was coming from another place in the house.

I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Is Nana here?” I asked. < I think this scene would play out a lot more interestingly if she still thought Nana was there and came downstairs saying, “Hi Nana!”

Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”

“I just thought I heard her earlier.”

“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.

“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.

“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.

I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes. < Is Alex gone at this point?

“Cady?” < This name makes me think of Mean Girls.

I jerked up, looking around frantically. < Instead of using an adverb, use more evocative language. For example: I jerked up, flinging my head side to side. No one. < I understand what you’re going for here, but I think you need to emphasize that the voice sounds like it’s coming from within the room, otherwise I would assume it’s coming from outside the room so she’d have to search the house rather than just looking around herself. Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.

“Cady, can you hear me?”

OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? < The mixing of tenses here bothers me. They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much. < This is the second inkling of a voice.

My Overall Thoughts

I’m a big fan of middle grade and as such, I have really high standards. To me, this opening page was pretty flat. It wasn’t bad, but it was very bland. In a stack of middle grade novels, this is unlikely to jump out at me.

Key Places to Improve:

Voice, voice, voice! You need to crank the dial up from 2 to 90. Character is very important to middle grade readers. They want characters they can grow to love, which starts with a very strong, unique voice. Let her be in her world and experience it, make observations, comment on things. Give her some space to show us who she is before introducing the inciting incident (hearing voices presumably).

In addition to voice, you need to give Cady an obstacle, motivation, or desire. This is something that the reader sees coming long before it’s relevant to the main plot. For example: wanting to be popular, having a sick parent, being poor, hating her hair, having a mean older sister, dealing with a bully, etc., etc., etc. These things serve as an extra psychological push during the main plot, and it also gives us a reason to care about the character.

Try to create more vivid imagery. You don’t need to give long descriptions of everything, but right now you’re not giving the reader much of anything. Cady feels like a stick figure on a white paper. What does her room look like? What color is her cat? How much younger is her little brother? What does her mother look like? What is her mother cooking? How messy was the bathroom sink and mirror? What does she think fish sticks taste like? Does she like school or only hate it? These are just some ideas of ways you could add color and life to the story.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 2

I’m giving this a two because while I think there’s a hint of something interesting, it isn’t pulling me in. It feels a bit like you couldn’t wait to get to the hearing voices part so you just wrote a few throwaway paragraphs to get to that point. But the problem is that readers won’t stick with you if they have no reason to care about the character, have difficulty visualizing what’s going on, and don’t have a voice to latch onto.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Lisen

You can connect with Lisen (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @LisenMinetti

And check out her blog: http://lisenminetti.wordpress.com/

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #3: Paranormal Mystery

October 11, 2013October 11, 2013Leave a comment

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

Based on feedback from last week, I’ve decided to change up how the critique is done for this week.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Paranormal Mystery First 500 – By Robin St. Clare

I’m crouched in a small closet, trying not to breathe, when the furniture in the adjoining room starts moving. Through the keyhole I watch as a stately upholstered armchair inches across the floor, but then with a sudden lurch it picks up speed. The chair’s carven legs scrape over the hardwood floor, leaving the the arcane symbols chalked onto the floor smudged and disrupted. I slowly draw back from the door, bringing up my video camera to the keyhole. I can only imagine that video proof is going to be necessary for this. As I start recording, an unearthly moan rises within the room, sounding as if it’s emanating from the walls themselves.

Continuing to watch the tableau on the camera viewscreen, I wince as the most elaborate symbol, drawn to ward off evil spirits, is distorted into unrecognizability. Fiona spent forever making sure it was perfect. She’s going to be so upset.

Not least of all because the entity responsible for the moving furniture is a person and not a supernatural being.

I briefly consider bursting from the closet to confront Mrs. Pevington, who is currently leaning heavily on the armchair trying to catch a breath, but I don’t want to give the poor old lady a heart attack. Well, old lady. She’s not exactly “poor” in any sense of the word. Evelyn Pevington lives next door to the house we’re in now, but in this upscale neighborhood that entails more than a short walk over. I have to be impressed with her dedication to her cause. Although it is kind of a terrible cause.

Eventually Mrs. Pevington evaluates the room and, evidently satisfied with her handiwork, shuffles off, back to her own house I assume. I wait an extra minute or two, then gratefully unbend, muscles protesting all the way. Next time I’m bringing a folding chair. Or better yet, just leaving the video camera and waiting somewhere comfortable.

I open the closet door and step into the room, still documenting the scene with the video camera.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Paranormal Mystery First 500 – By Robin St. Clare

I’m crouched in a small closet, trying not to breathe, when the furniture in the adjoining room starts moving. << I recommend avoiding opening a chapter, especially a first chapter, with a sentence containing “when,” “as,” “while,” etc. because it takes some of the immediacy out of the action. Through the keyhole I watch as a stately upholstered armchair inches across the floor, << You already explained that the furniture started moving (we don’t need that explained twice), but now you’re showing it so I’d keep this sentence and cut the first one. but then with a sudden lurch it picks up speed. The chair’s carven legs scrape over the hardwood floor, leaving the the arcane symbols chalked onto the floor smudged and disrupted << This is sort of a backwards way of articulating this. Keep it simple. For example: The chair’s carven legs smudge the arcane symbols chalked onto the hardwood floor. . I slowly draw back from the door, bringing up my video camera to the keyhole. I can only imagine that video proof is going to be necessary for this << “This” is too vague. . As I start recording, an unearthly moan rises within the room, sounding as if it’s emanating from the walls themselves.

Continuing to watch the tableau on the camera viewscreen , I wince as the most elaborate symbol, drawn to ward off evil spirits, is distorted into unrecognizability << This isn’t really a word so I suggest rephrasing.. Fiona spent forever making sure it was perfect. She’s going to be so upset. << At this point I’m not sure how much fear I’m supposed to be feeling. Is this a life-threatening situation or just a game? Is the narrator scared? It’s not clear.

Not least of all because the entity responsible for the moving furniture is a person and not a supernatural being.

I briefly consider bursting from the closet to confront Mrs. Pevington, who is currently leaning heavily on the armchair trying to catch a breath, << I feel a bit duped finding out that nothing supernatural is going on. but I don’t want to give the poor old lady a heart attack. Well, old lady. She’s not exactly “poor” in any sense of the word. Evelyn Pevington lives next door to the house we’re in now << “We” who? Also, it’s not clear if she is in her own house or Mrs. Pevinton’s. , but in this upscale neighborhood that entails more than a short walk over << The wording of the second half of this sentence confused me. I had to read it three times. I’d find a simpler way of explaining this. . I have to be impressed with her dedication to her cause. Although it is kind of a terrible cause. << I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say “cause.”

Eventually Mrs. Pevington evaluates the room and, evidently satisfied with her handiwork, shuffles off, back to her own house I assume. << I’m pretty confused about what has transpired. I wait an extra minute or two, then gratefully unbend, muscles protesting all the way. Next time I’m bringing a folding chair. Or better yet, just leaving the video camera and waiting somewhere comfortable.

I open the closet door and step into the room, still documenting the scene with the video camera.

“Well,” I say, narrating for future audiences, “I think we can rule out ghostly activity. So far as the redecorating goes, anyway.” I sweep the camera around the room a few more times, making sure not to miss anything, while heading towards the source of the eerie wails still echoing around the room << I assumed this wailing stopped a long time ago. Mentioning it another time prior to here would probably be a good idea. . I follow the sound to the south wall. An elegant bookcase stands against the wall, housing a few classics and a Ming vase that’s probably insured for more than I’m worth. Half hidden behind the bookcase, I spy an air vent set into the wall just above the baseboard. “I think I’ve found the source of the mysterious wailing,” I say as I bend down. Setting the camera on the floor, still facing the vent, I examine the metal cover. The screws have been loosened recently << How does she know the screws were loosened recently vs. in the distant past? and I’m able to lift it off relatively easily. Inside, sitting in the vent, is… a cassette player. Seriously? These things still exist? << What I am ascertaining from this, though I could be wrong, is that Mrs. Pevington is moving things around to create the illusion of ghosts? If this is the case, I’m confused as to why she would play moaning sounds. Wouldn’t she then get caught because the house’s occupants would hear her?

My Overall Thoughts

I’m generally a fan of present tense, but it always makes me cringe a little because I anticipate a lot of mistakes, however I didn’t catch a single one in this excerpt so bravo!

You present some intriguing questions about what Mrs. Pevington is doing, but I do wish it were a bit clearer who and where the main character is.

Key Places to Improve:

For the same reason you don’t start a chapter with a dream, it’s generally not a good idea to dupe the reader into thinking something interesting and exciting is happening only to reveal that that isn’t the case. This could give agents/editors the impression that you don’t feel your opening is good enough to stand on its own without a bit of trickery.

Opening with the narrator “crouched in a small closet” made my brain immediately think that the character was very young. The spying through the keyhole gave me a young vibe as well. Since this novel is intended for adult readers, think about ways to make it clear your narrator is an adult as early as possible.

I think you could pull a little more emotion out of your narrator. Was she surprised, disgusted, angry, amused, etc. to find out that Mrs. Pevington was moving the furniture? Show this in the narration.

I couldn’t figure out whether the narrator was in her own house, Mrs. Pevinton’s house, or someone else’s house. Clarifying that would help strengthen the opening.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 3

The opening intrigued me, which is great. That’s exactly what you want to do with a first chapter. But finding out nothing supernatural was going on and that the narrator knew this, felt a little too much like a trick. Readers: what are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree?

The writing itself could be a bit clearer in the places I marked, and a more significant emotional connection to the character would help draw in readers.

I don’t think you’re far off with this. The primary issues are those things that writers can’t see on their own, the things that end up misunderstood or misinterpreted by readers.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Robin

You can connect with Robin (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @clarewrites

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

How to Dump Info Without Info Dumping

October 3, 2013October 9, 201314 Comments

As much as we all know to never ever use info dumps, it doesn’t always make sense to convey something through dialogue or a flashback, and sometimes you need the reader to know the information right away – you don’t have time to trickle it through several chapters.

So for those times when you truly need to do some telling instead of showing, here are some tricks to slip it in unnoticed.

Establish a Scene

Before moving into an info dump, always establish a scene. This means that the very first information conveyed needs to establish the basics: who, what, when, and where. Let the reader know what your character is up to and they will have something to visualize. Visualizing something (anything!), helps the reader stay engrossed in the scene.

The Scene has to Matter

The scene you establish must be in some way integral to telling the story. The scene’s purpose cannot be simply to dump information on the reader. Something interesting must happen in the moment of the scene, not only in the info dump. For more about this, check out: How to Spot a Bad Scene or Chapter.

Stick to the Facts

Does the reader really need to know that Hank was late to Jane’s wedding, the Halloween party, and Christmas Eve? Or do they just need to know that Hank is always late? If it’s the fact that the reader needs (Hank is always late), and not the story (Hank was late to Jane’s wedding, etc.), then stick to the one sentence fact, don’t tell a two paragraph story.

Keep it Short

Think critically about what the reader really needs to know to understand the story. Every time you want to tell something, ask yourself: If I didn’t tell this, would it reduce the reader’s comprehension of the story? If the answer is no, leave it out. Don’t slip into the trap of believing that more information always enhances the story. If the characters, plot, and world make sense without the information, the readers don’t need it.

Couch it in Action

Couching an info dump in action allows the scene to maintain momentum rather than grinding to a screeching halt. A lack of momentum is what makes info dumps so glaringly annoying in the first place. So instead of Jane sitting at the window contemplating how Hank is always late, she can think about it while pacing around her apartment. The key word is “while.” She needs to think about it while pacing, not before or after.

**Let’s look at a scene that does not follow these rules:**

Hank was never there when Jane needed him. She would sit and wait for hours and he’d never show up. He was late to her wedding even though she sent a cab to his door at the right time to pick him up. He was late to the Halloween party when they were dressing up together as M&Ms. They worked for hours on those costumes and almost missed the party. And then there was Christmas Eve. Hank was Jane’s secret Santa and he was so late that she had to open her gift after the party had already ended. And he never even cared. He just shrugged it off like it was no big deal. But Jane cared. She cared a lot.

Jane laid down and went to bed. Maybe someday Hank would change and be the man that she needed.

Why it Doesn’t Work

Let’s break down why the above scene doesn’t work by examining each of the rules.

Establish a Scene: Where is Jane? What is she doing? Why is she thinking about Hank always being late? We don’t know any of that until after the huge paragraph of info dump.

The Scene has to Matter: Is this scene really necessary to the book? Nothing happens except Jane pouting about Hank’s lateness and then she goes to bed. With no conflict or relevance to the rest of the novel, this scene is clearly not needed.

Stick to the Facts: Do we really need to know that they were going to dress up as M&Ms? Or that she sent a cab to his house on her wedding day? My guess is no. What we really need to know is that Hank is always late.

Keep it Short: Is everything in this paragraph necessary to grasp the concept that Hank is often late? Clearly not. And remember, we don’t want to fall into the trap of believing that all details “enhance” the story. They very often do not.

Couch it in Action: There’s no action in this scene until the last sentence, so obviously no couching is happening here.

So how can we rewrite this scene?

Jane paced back and forth in front of her apartment door. Hank was late. She wrung the end of her shirt in her hands. He was always late. She took a deep breath and paced harder. Maybe he didn’t want their relationship to work out as much as she did.

There was a knock at the door. She yanked it open and Hank stood there, a bright smile on his face. Two hours late. She sighed.

Why is this better?

Let’s break it down:

Establish a Scene: This is done right away. We know where Jane is and what she’s doing.

The Scene has to Matter: Hank is on his way over so presumably something is going to develop with the plot.

Stick to the Facts: Rather than long stories, there were brief sentences about Hank’s lateness.

Keep it Simple: The facts weren’t embellished with a bunch of extras. It was simple and quick.

Couch it in Action: Jane is active, before, during, and after the information is conveyed, so the reader is never yanked from the scene.

And here’s the kicker: Writing a scene like this is usually easier, faster, and actually conveys more emotional information than an ordinary info dump. If you use these techniques, your writing will improve, guaranteed!

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If you want a free first page edit and critique, check out First Page Friday.

First Page Friday #1: Science Fiction

September 27, 2013October 9, 2013Leave a comment

First Page Friday

Hooray for the first ever First Page Friday! If you missed my introductory post, here’s some info:

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

SciFi First 500 – By Charles Naylor

As the blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face and cut into the wall behind him, he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. << Avoid starting sentences with “as.” It’s not nearly as active or engaging as a simple rewrite: The blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face, cutting into the wall behind him, as he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. He remembered waking, and he remembered the rum, and he remembered Tak practically beating down his door as he burnt an omelet. But did he turn the oven off before Tak poured him into a pair of pants and hustled him outside? << I like how you’ve incorporated back story in a way that isn’t obvious or info dumping.

He tried to roll left, but the fifth of rum he killed this morning made it more of a lurch-then-skid as the big bastard << Who is “the big bastard”? jerked his Cryotek Series II Plasma Cutter in the opposite direction, cutting a foot-wide line through the wall behind him. Buggin wrinkled his nose, he always hated the smell of melted concrete and rebar, and << These are two different concepts that don’t need to be connected as one sentence.>>He closed his left eye while bracing his heavy laser rifle against his right shoulder. He switched on his gun’s scope, disabling the transparency effect on his eyepatch << Since an eyepatch was not previously mentioned, I had to read this a couple of times to assess what I think you are saying – that he wears the eyepatch all the time and it darkens while he’s using the gun’s scope. For the sake of not jarring the reader, I think this could be made clearer. and piping in the scope’s wireless feed. He didn’t need the scope’s infrared sensor to notice the tip of the Plasma Cutter igniting again.

“Shit!” Buggin managed to rolled left just as another blue line ignited the area he had previously occupied, the busted concrete scattered on the ground that dug at his back working together with his near-death experience to briefly pierce the cloud of inebriation that suffused his brain.<< This sentence is working too hard, especially the second half. You have four things going on: he’s rolling left, he has concrete digging into his back, he’s having a near death experience, and his inebriation is pierced. Break these things up a bit. Give each some screen time with the reader so they can be processed separately. That wasn’t a Series II PC, hell it wasn’t even a Series III. That had to be some prototype PC to cooldown << “cooldown” should be two words “cool down.” in two seconds.

“Tak, you asshole! You told me they were some punk gangbangers using ten–year–old tech! If this bastard isn’t using some prototype shit I’ll eat my damned eyepatch!”

Tak, busy exchanging shots with a few gangbangers from behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal that had once been a car, << Consider making this more active. For example: Tak flung himself behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal and shot at the gangbangers. shouted back, “That’s what I was told! Maybe that gun came from the merch they stole? The guy << Does “the guy” have a name? If so, use it here. If not, I’d use something a bit stronger like “the bastard.” that hired me wouldn’t tell me what they took, only that it was worth 1500 credits EACH << All caps is usually discouraged and may appear unprofessional. if we could recover it!”

Buggin, in the middle of the room after his last roll and wishing he hadn’t drank so much <<This sentence construction is weakening what you’re trying to say. It’s always better to show something happening in the moment rather than explaining that it happened in the past. For example, this could be rewritten as: Buggin rolled into the middle of the room, his head swirling. If only he hadn’t drank so much. , scanned the room as he stumbled to his feet. He started a count as he ran for the nearest cover, a pillar twenty feet away.

One. A plan began to coalesce in his liquored-up brain. He looked over his shoulder, trying and tried << This reads as more active. to place himself between the pillar and the bastard.

One and a half. The pillar is in front of him, the bastard behind.<< You’ve switched to present tense.

Two. Trusting to his count, he dived forward and slightly-left << “slightly-left” should not be hyphenated. just as another blue plasma beam cut the air, punching a foot-wide hole in the pillar as he painfully belly-flopped onto some more loose concrete scattered around it. << This is another sentence that’s working too hard. You’ve got too much going on: he trusts his count, he dives forward, another plasma beam cuts the air, the beam punches a hole, he painfully belly flops, he lands on loose concrete. Whew! That’s an awful lot to pack into one sentence. Break it up.

Buggin groaned, as he climbed to his feet, and ducked behind the pillar. Once in cover he took a half second to collect himself and observe the situation. <<This is telling (rather than showing). You can easily show that he’s collecting himself and observing the situation. He and Tak were caught between the bastard <<Who is “the bastard”? and the two bangers. One banger used suppressing fire << I don’t know what “suppressing fire” means so I can’t visualize this. to keep Tak pinned as the other moved from cover to get into a better flanking position. If he didn’t do something now Tak was good as dead.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

My Overall Thoughts

I can tell that Charles knows enough about his craft to not make beginner mistakes, and I felt like I was in the hands of a competent storyteller. The dialogue and voice both sounded natural. My biggest complaint is clarity, which was something that hung me up quite a few times.

The novel starts with a fairly humorous sentence about the main character being more worried about his oven being on than about the fight at hand. This is a great hook, but make sure it is true to the rest of the story. There were no other humorous moments or significant displays of the main character’s personality in the rest of the opening, which leads me to wonder if this is a hook that isn’t backed up by the rest of the novel.

Key Places to Improve

Watch out for sentences constructed like this: something happened as something else happened. This sentence construction was used nine times. That’s about 50% of non-dialogue sentences. The problem with this construction is that it makes the action feel less active, which makes it less engaging.

Where is this scene taking place? They’re in a room and there are pillars, but there is also a rusted-out old car. I can’t visualize the space, which distances me from the story.

Use short, choppy sentences to create tension and excitement. Watch out for sentences that are doing double, triple, or quadruple duty. These sentences are explaining so many concepts at once that each concept doesn’t have time to gel in the reader’s brain. In other words, it can both reduce tension and lower the reader’s comprehension.

Overall, I think you could be a bit richer with the details. Are they wearing street clothes or space suits? Are they in a warehouse? An indoor junkyard? What makes the various weapons different? What does the enemy look like? Are they fifteen or eighty-five? I’m intrigued by what’s happening, but I don’t really know what’s happening.

Where does the voice/humor go after the first paragraph? I missed it because it was a big part of what drew me into the story. The first few sentences of a novel set the tone for the whole book and make a promise to the reader about what’s to come. Writers always need to make sure that they’re living up to this promise.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 3.5

I’m giving this a 3.5 because I’m intrigued, but I’m not jumping out of my seat with enthusiasm. While I would definitely read on, if what’s happening isn’t made clear in the next couple hundred words, you’d probably lose me. Improving the voice after the first paragraph would bump this up to a 4.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have read past the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall writing ability.

Reader Participation

What Do You Think?

Grades are subjective. The more people grading his work, the better grasp the writer will have on how much he needs to improve. Please help Charles by providing your own grade.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are welcome in the comments section below. Explaining your grade gives Charles even more insight.

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

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Improve Your Novel with Find and Replace

September 26, 2013October 9, 201310 Comments

Once you’ve perfected your plot and polished up your prose, there’s a quick way to add an extra layer of shine to your novel: Find and Replace.

The “Find and Replace” feature (sometimes called “Search and Replace”) is an easy way to get rid of bad writing habits that you might not notice when reading straight through your novel.

Here are some things to search for and eliminate from your book:

Began & Started

Find: Begin, begins, began, beginning, start, starts, started, starting

Replace these words with active verbs. We don’t need to know that the character started doing something, we just need to know that they’re doing it. “Start” and “began” make the action feel less active so consequently, the reader is less engaged.

Example: He started to run.

Change to: He ran.

Adverbs

Find: ly (this can be a bit tedious, but if you have a love affair with adverbs it will be well worth the time.)

Replace words ending in “ly” (AKA adverbs) with stronger verbs or cut them out entirely. Adverbs weaken the action rather than strengthen it, and they are often a sign of lazy writing.

Example: He quickly ran across the park.

Change to: He darted across the park.

Verbs Ending in “ing”

Find: ing (again, this can be pretty tedious, but it’s worth it.)

Replace verbs ending in “ing” with verbs ending in “ed” whenever it is proceeded by “was,” “were,” or “is.” This sort of “ing” verb makes the action less active and if you use it a lot, it can also raise your word count.

Sometimes, however, this sentence structure makes sense if an ongoing action is being described, but think critically about whether it makes a difference if the action was ongoing or immediate. If it doesn’t matter, go with “ed,” as in the example below.

Example: I turned and Mary was glaring at me.

Change to: I turned and Mary glared.

Time-Based Adverbs

Find: when, then, suddenly, immediately, always, often, already, finally

Replace these time-based adverbs with stronger descriptions that show the suddenness, frequency, etc., or eliminate them entirely. I wrote a post about time-based adverbs here. But here’s the gist: more words take longer to read and make the action feel less immediate, not more immediate.

Example: I immediately ran through the door.

Change to: I ran through the door.

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First Page Friday: Get a FREE Edit and Critique of Your Novel’s First Page!

September 20, 2013October 9, 2013Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking for a while about how to give better advice on my blog as well as how to offer some free editing to my blog and Twitter followers.

While mulling this over, I realized that I could combine both goals and create an educational series that will allow my readers to see my editing advice in action while at the same time giving back to the awesome writing community with some free edits!

Thus, “First Page Friday” was born!

Once I gather up enough submissions, I will post an edit and critique of the first 500 words of a novel every week, focusing on the following elements:

Where I would stop reading as an agent, editor, or reader.
Whether or not it’s the best place to start the story.
Whether or not the story is hooking me.
Any major or minor writing issues.
How it could be improved.

Submission Details

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence).
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

Please share this post and spread the word to other writers. Let’s make First Page Friday a success!

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her editing services and testimonials.

Why Logical Novel Editors are Better than Passionate Ones

September 11, 2013October 9, 20134 Comments

I recently had an angry client. He sent me a long, condescending email that insulted my editing skills and called me “cold,” “terse,” and “bitchy.” Not because of my behavior or because of our email correspondences, but because he didn’t like my editing style.

Now, I wouldn’t consider myself a harsh editor. It’s not like I am to editing what Gordon Ramsay is to cooking or what Abby Lee Miller is to dance. I never insult or belittle my clients. I never make them feel inadequate or unintelligent for making mistakes, but nor do I coddle and comfort them within my edits. And the reason is simple: emotions cloud judgement.

The truth is, while I’m editing, I’m all business. My mind is in the game. My brain gears are turning. I am thinking: How can I make this better? More marketable? More tense? More entertaining?

This angry client complained that I was not passionate or positive enough about his work, and so, he concluded, I was a poor match for the novel and should not have taken the job. But this client missed a hugely important point: You don’t want a passionate editor.

Passion makes humans irrational. It makes us believe that our new loves are perfect or that our children are the most talented kids in the state. Passion is what makes authors write books in the first place. It’s what allows them to devote huge chunks of their lives to pursuing their dream of publication, a dream that is very, very difficult to achieve.

Your mom, dad, friends, and spouse will probably also be passionate about your novel. They’ll tell everyone they know that it’s the greatest book around and that you are amazing and talented and perfect. And passion is exactly what you need while writing that first draft and when getting the very first feedback on your work. But it’s not what you want in an editor.

An editor should not be passionate about your book. An editor should be passionate about editing.

And that’s who I am. I’m an editor passionate about editing. I love editing so much that I will edit brochures in my mind. I love it so much that I often edit in the evenings while everyone else is playing video games or watching TV. I love it so much that I regularly give away advice, services, and my online course for free.

This is me editing.

I am passionate about editing. I am not passionate about your book.

That is not to say that I don’t want my clients to succeed. I do! I really, really do! It’s the greatest feeling in the world when I see that a client has reached publishing success. That’s what I’m here for – to help you on your journey to publication. But I am not here to fall in love with your book, to make you feel good about yourself, or to feel deep waves of passion as I read your novel.

So if you want comments like, “OMG, I love this part!!!!” that’s perfectly fine. That’s just the stage you’re at with your writing. It’s a healthy stage and it’s a passing stage. If what you’re looking for is emotional support, you need to ask a friend or relative to read your book.

But if you want comments like, “This section is slowing down the plot. Cutting it would increase the tension.” then hire an editor, a good editor, one that isn’t going to blow hot air to keep you happy. It takes a lot of guts to ask an editor to criticize your work. I know that and I respect that. I always tell my clients to take it slow and to come to me with any questions, concerns, or confusion.

My clients who are truly (emotionally) ready for an editor call me things like “invaluable,” “fantastic,” and “a huge help.”

When you go to a mechanic, you don’t expect them to fall in love with your car. And you’re not going to accuse the mechanic of being “terse,” “cold,” or “bitchy” when he tells you that your car is totaled because you drove it into a brick wall. Mechanics tell the truth. Editors tell the truth. The real question is whether or not you’re ready to hear it.

Are you ready to hear it? Check out my editing services.

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First Draft Problems and How to Solve Them

March 12, 2013February 20, 2014Leave a comment

All first drafts have problems. But all first drafts can also be polished into gems with a little (or a lot) of rewriting. Here are some of the most common first draft problems and how you can solve them.

Info Dumps Through Dialog

This is when a huge amount of the plot or back story is conveyed through dialog. Rather than showing the reader the conflict and allowing them to gradually learn about the history of your character and universe, you simply stuff everything necessary into a verbal info dump.

“I don’t understand,” Maggie said.

“Let me explain it to you,” the wizard said. “It all started twenty years ago when your great, great grandfather wanted to rule the kingdom…[100 words later]…the king didn’t want that to happen so he sent away the man servant and told him to never return, but he secretly…[250 words later]…and then you were born and raised by mountain trolls…[200 words later]… so now you must regain the glory of our kingdom by fighting the dragon of the north.”

Solution: Find ways to trickle this information throughout the book. Think critically about what your reader needs to know in any given moment. So long as they get the information before it becomes relevant, you’re good, so space it out. Also, think critically about whether the information is needed at all. Condense the story down to its bare essentials.

Info Dumps of the Past

This happens when the novel is packed with things that happened before the start of the story. You may be constantly backtracking to explain things. It gives the reader a sort of whiplash as they are ping-ponged from the current events to the past and back again.

Angela looked at me in that crappy way of hers, eyes bugging out of her head. I hate that girl. Last summer when I went out with Max, but he was still in love with Abby, who really wanted to be with Kristy, but she was totally hung up on Brad…[200 words later] and then she totally didn’t even show up to my birthday party and she had the nerve to ask me to…[450 words later] …so that’s why I don’t like Angela.

Solution: Follow the advice for info dumps through dialog and also consider the possibility that you are starting your story too late. Sometimes info dumps about the past can be eliminated by adding a well-structured first chapter that shows the reader what they will need to know to understand the rest of the story. For more help: How to Dump Info Without Info Dumping.

Over Explaining

In large part, this has to do with not trusting your reader to “get it” without your (extensive) help. The result is that the same thing is explained over and over and over again. This is often the cause of super long word counts.

He was sad. His eyes welled with tears. His head dropped to his chest. “It’s so tragic!” he cried, wiping away tears. His heart felt as if it were breaking.

Solution: Trust your reader! And keep it simple! If you explain something once, the vast majority of your readers will understand and remember it.

Under Explaining

This happens when you’re too close to your own story. Everything feels so obvious and clear to you (as the author) and as a result you are leaving readers scratching their heads wondering what the heck is going on.

Charles opened the fridge and inside there was a GooblyOobly. It pulled out its wattyboo and cast a Famblaster spell that cracked Charles’ hobmufster in two.

Solution: Step away from your work! Get some distance (a few days to a few weeks), then come back to it with fresh eyes. Try to read it like you’ve never seen it before. If this doesn’t work, have someone else read it for you and mark where they get confused or feel lost.

Chapters with the Same Purpose

Each chapter or section should serve a unique and necessary purpose in your novel. In a lot of first drafts, there will be multiple chapters that share a function.

Perhaps you want to show that Lexi is scared of water, so you write a scene where she has to take a sponge bath instead of bathe in the tub. Then you write a scene where everyone else is going swimming and she can’t go. Then you write a scene where she has a panic attack when a glass of water is spilled on her. Okay, we get it! She’s afraid of water!

Solution: There is nothing wrong with including all of these scenes in your book so long as there is another purpose to each of the scenes. You can only have one scene with the exclusive purpose of demonstrating her fear. After that, there must be a different conflict, a different purpose, or else the scene should be scrapped. For more help: How to Spot a Bad Scene or Chapter.

Chapters with No Purpose

This is the dreaded filler! If your characters are eating, smoking, staring out a window, or thinking of the past, you have most likely written a chapter or section with no purpose. Each chapter/section must have a conflict and a resolution. If there is neither, it’s just filler.

I have found that NaNoWriMo novels in particular have a lot of filler because writers are racing to meet the word count. Filler can also happen when a writer isn’t sure where they want to go with the book so they ramble for a few chapters before getting back on course.

Solution: If a scene has no conflict or resolution, cut it out. Don’t whine and moan and cry about it. Just cut it out and move on. You’ll never miss filler scenes when you get down to the finished product.

Got a problem that isn’t addressed here? Have a writing or editing question? Leave a comment or check out the Help Desk.

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How to Punctuate Dialogue: The Ultimate Guide

February 25, 2013March 27, 201815 Comments

The vast majority of writers make errors when punctuating the dialog in their novels. Many writers who make these errors think they have a firm grasp on dialog punctuation.

Though it probably won’t get you rejected by an agent or editor, incorrect punctuation can put them in a very nasty mood (the last thing you want when they’re handling your precious novel).

Commas

Commas are always used with dialog tags, whether they come before or after the dialog. For example:

“Look at the dog,” he said. [RIGHT]

He said, “Look at the dog.” [RIGHT]

“Look at the dog.” He said. [WRONG]

He said. “Look at the dog.” [WRONG]

If an exclamation point or question mark is used and the dialog tag comes after the dialog, then there should be no comma and the dialog tag should not be capitalized. For example:

“Did you see the dog?” he asked. [RIGHT]

“Did you see the dog?” He asked. [WRONG]

Dialog Tags

Writers are often confused about what qualifies as a dialog tag. A dialog tag is only something that references the way the words came out of the character’s mouth. Any gestures, expressions, movements, etc. should be set apart from the dialog with a period, not connected with a comma. For example:

“Look at the dog,” he exclaimed. [RIGHT]

“Look at the dog,” he smirked. [WRONG]

“Look at the dog,” he pointed. [WRONG]

He jumped up and down, “Look at the dog.” [WRONG]

And despite what many writers seem to think, you cannot laugh or sigh dialog.

“Oh, bother,” she sighed. [WRONG]

“Oh, bother,” she said, sighing. [RIGHT]

“Look at that cute puppy,” she laughed. [WRONG]

“Look at that cute puppy.” She laughed. [RIGHT]

If the dialog tag is in the middle of a character speaking, then the dialog is not capitalized after the tag unless it starts a new sentence. For example:

“I was thinking,” she said, “that maybe you could teach me.” [RIGHT]

“I was thinking,” she said, “That maybe you could teach me.” [WRONG]

“I love that dog,” she said. “He’s so cute.” [RIGHT]

“I love that dog,” she said, “he’s so cute.” [WRONG]

Interrupted Dialog

If the dialog is interrupted by another character speaking, use an em dash. For example:

“It’s not fai-”

“Shut up!” he said. [RIGHT]

“It’s not fai . . .”

“Shut up!” he said. [WRONG]

Trailing Dialog

If a character trails off, an ellipsis should be used. Despite what many people think, an ellipsis is only three periods. For example:

“I just thought maybe . . .” [RIGHT]

“I just thought maybe…………” [WRONG]

Multiple Paragraphs of Dialog

If your dialog needs to run multiple paragraphs without dialog tags breaking it up, then each paragraph that is not the last paragraph should have no quotation mark at the end of it. For example:

“My dear, sweet Love. I love you so much that I can barely take it. You are the sun and the moon and the stars to me and you always will be.

“Unless, of course, you betray me, then I will cut off your head and put it on a stake,” he said. [RIGHT]

Three Words to Banish From Your Novel (or else)

February 21, 2013October 9, 20136 Comments

Showing instead of telling is a big obstacle for many writers. Sometimes writers tell instead of show without even realizing it! Here are three words that insidiously introduce telling into your writing. Get rid of them (or else)!

Obviously

Examples:

He was obviously in a bad mood.

She obviously had a headache.

It was obvious that she didn’t want to be there.

Clearly

Examples:

He clearly thought she was full of crap.

She was clearly happy about the news.

It was clear she had better things to do.

Indicating

Examples:

He stepped back, indicating that he didn’t want to be that close to her.

She frowned, clearly indicating that she was still upset about their fight.

The man indicated that she should sit down.

Why They Suck

Anytime a writer uses a sentence like the ones above, I want to jump up and down screaming, “Cheater, cheater, cheater!” All of these sentences are telling rather than showing. They’re cheap, easy, zero-effort ways of making a point.

Sometimes these words are also used to stretch the point of view (POV). If your POV character doesn’t have any way of knowing something, you can simply say that it’s clear, obvious, or indicated. Cheaters!

Stretch yourself as a writer, find ways to show how characters think and feel. Use expressions, body language, tone of voice. And sometimes just let your readers breathe! Give them a chance to draw their own conclusions. They’re smarter than you think!

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