Novel Boot Camp – Workshop #2: First Page Critique

July 7, 20141,062 Comments

Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!

This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!

So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!

Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!

How to Critique Other Writers

Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:

Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.

Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.

Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.

Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.

Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.

Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”

The Value of Critiquing

When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.

Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.

Workshop #2: First Page Critique

July 7 – 13

How to Submit Your Novel Opening

*Please read all of the rules before posting.*

Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.

Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.

Example post:

GENRE: YA Science Fiction

She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).

Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.

A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.

What to Do After Receiving a Critique

You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.

Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.

Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.

I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.

How to Leave a Critique

Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.

Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.

Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.

Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!

Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.

That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.

My Participation

I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦

Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.

And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!

I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.

Novel Boot Camp – Lecture #4: Writing Believable Dialogue

July 4, 201412 Comments

Readers love dialogue. Why? Because it breaks up the monotony of big ol’ chunks of text. Personally, when I see pages and pages of sprawling paragraphs, it gives me flashbacks of reading horrible college textbooks.

But dialogue is fun! When we read it our eyes zip across the text. And everyone knows about that tiny bit of (huge) satisfaction readers get from turning pages. Dialogue gets you to the page turn so much faster!

“But isn’t dialogue about other, more important things, like character development?” – says everyone reading this blog.

Okay, okay, okay. In all seriousness, there are lots of great things about dialogue, but it’s easy to lose all of those great things if your dialogue doesn’t ring true. So today I’m giving you my best dialogue writing tips and tricks.

This was my absolutely most requested topic so I really hope it puts some of your questions to rest!

Characters Who Sound the Same

One of the most common issues with dialogue is all of the characters sounding the same. If the five-year-old sounds like the police chief who sounds like the ninety-year-old widow, you’ve got a problem.

Usually this problem is more common in writers who struggle to immerse themselves in some or all of their characters. If you can’t think how the character thinks and feel what the character feels, you’re going to have to put a lot more legwork into creating natural-sounding dialogue.

Another reason your characters might all sound the same is that you’re falling back on cliche or “stock” dialogue (more on that later) rather than truly thinking about what would be said in the situation.

No matter what the reason, here is a quick assignment to help you give each character their own unique way of speaking.

How to Make Your Characters Sound Different

Make a list of all the characters who do a significant amount of speaking in your novel. If there is too many to list, just pick as many as you feel able to handle right now.

Consider the following and how it might influence your character’s speech:

Upbringing: Was this character allowed to freely express their emotions in their childhood? Were they from a loud and outspoken family or a quiet one? Were they put down for saying something stupid or encouraged to ask questions? All of these things can affect the way people express themselves.

Education: Does this character have a college education? A high school education? Did they drop out of grade school? Education level has a huge impact on our word choices.

Career: What does/did this character do for a living? An engineer is going to have a very different set of vocabulary than a dentist. Furthermore, people often use analogies related to their work. A railroad worker might describe his emotions as “rumbling down the tracks.”

Worldview: Is this character a pessimist or an optimist? When things get rough, are they going to emphasize or downplay their obstacles? A pessimist might say, “I cut my goddamn finger!” while an optimist might say, “It’s just a little scrape.”

Age/Generation: When was this character raised? Someone born in the 40s isn’t going to use the same slang as someone born in 2000. And if they do try to use modern slang, they’ll probably get it wrong.

You may want to write down some example lines of dialogue for each of these elements for each of your characters and keep them handy in a document (or in Scrivener or on flashcards or whatever). Then you can refer to this “dialogue guide” often as you attempt to draw distinctions between various characters’ speech.

Another tip: When you’re ready to rewrite, edit all of one character’s dialogue at one time (and don’t touch the narration or the other characters’ dialogue) to make sure that you stay in that character’s head space and only their head space. This will make sticking to their voice a whole lot easier.

Dialogue Mistakes

There are a handful of very common dialogue mistakes that detract from the dialogue’s believability. There are a variety of forms these mistakes might take, but they all have one thing in common: the character is not speaking in a way that is authentic.

Usually this is because the writer is using the character as their mouthpiece rather than letting the character speak for him or herself. It might also be because the writer is too fixated on thinking like a writer and the dialogue they create is unnatural, too formal, or contrived.

Let’s look at some forms in which inauthentic dialogue might manifest.

“As you know, Bob…”

Telling (rather than showing) in dialogue can be effective when the reader doesn’t notice it (when it feels authentic and is in the character’s own voice), but often telling or info dumping through dialogue is so horribly, painfully apparent that it’s laughable.

“As you know, Bob, we always go out to brunch with your overbearing aunt on Sunday mornings. Ever since you lost your job and she bailed you out with that giant loan.”

If someone actually said this to Bob, can you imagine what he would be thinking? Um…yeah…I do know…why are you telling me? It’s weird. It’s awkward. It doesn’t work, and it certainly doesn’t sound authentic.

But sometimes “As you know, Bob” dialogue is not quite so apparent. Like in this example:

“I have to go to the bank today to ask about a loan. Ever since we bought this house, finances have just been so tight that I can barely afford groceries.”

Now, we can assume that this a conversation between spouses and that they are both already aware of their financial situation. So the wording just has a strangeness about it. Consider a much more natural approach:

“I’m going to go to the bank today to get that loan we talked about. I just can’t stand this. I couldn’t even buy milk yesterday. Sometimes I really wonder if this house is worth all this.”

In this second approach, the reader is far less aware of the fact that they’re being given back story.

Stilted Speech

For some reason, some writers tend to write speech like their characters are from ye olden days.

I think, in part, this comes from some myth that contractions (can’t, don’t, wouldn’t, shouldn’t) are bad. The truth is, dialogue without contractions just sounds bizarre.

“I would not go over to John’s house after school because I could not find my school paper. Is that not right, Lisa?” < This is not how people talk.

Embrace contractions. Use them often. They’re a wonderful way to make speech feel more natural.

A lack of slang, curse words, and colloquialisms is another thing that can make speech feel stilted. Overly formal sentence construction can also be a problem:

“Will you please hand me the salt shaker.” is not as natural (for most people) as something like: “Hand me the salt shaker, please.” or “Gimme that salt shaker, would ya?”

Cliche Dialogue

The last thing I want to talk about today is cliche dialogue, which can seriously impair your dialogue’s believability. Just because people say it in the movies, doesn’t mean it sounds even remotely normal.

Here are some of the biggest cliches to watch out for:

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”
“Don’t die on me!”
“I have a bad feeling about this.”
“He’s standing right behind me, isn’t he?”
“Are you sitting down?”
“So, we meet again.”
“Is this some kind of sick joke?”
“You’ll never get away with this.”
“How hard can it be?”
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this.”
“It’s quiet. Too quiet.”
“If I’m not back in ten minutes…”
“Tell my wife I love her.”
“You say that like it’s bad thing.”
“I was born ready.”

Lines like these have been used so many times that even using them as a joke seems like a cliche. Weeding cliches out of your dialogue can vastly improve believability.

Homework: Strengthen Your Dialogue

If you’ve done the first part of the homework above (to develop unique sounding dialogue for each of your characters) and you still have time to devote to Novel Boot Camp (go you!), then start working your way through your manuscript’s dialogue.

One of the most important things you can do is to say your dialogue out loud! If you’re not too shy, give your dialogue to two or more friends or family members and ask them to act it out. You will immediately sense places that seem awkward or unnatural. If your “actors” stumble over the speech or change it unconsciously (such as adding contractions), that’s also a good sign it isn’t natural.

Replace clunky, unnatural, or plain dialogue with stronger, unique dialogue. Especially focus on your first page because we’ll be having a critique next week (cue the cheering!).

Punctuating Dialogue

While you’re digging through your manuscript to improve your dialogue, go ahead and spend some time learning to punctuate it correctly.

Dialogue punctuation may seem like a small thing, but imagine a whole novel full of errors (it’s enough to make an editor shake in fear). Besides, punctuation errors just look unprofessional.

So do yourself a favor and run on over to my post: How to Punctuate Dialogue

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.

Novel Boot Camp – Lecture #3: How to Avoid Info Dumping

July 3, 201427 Comments

Info dumping is a problem for many writers. Sometimes it’s lazy writing. Sometimes the writer can’t come up with an alternative way to convey the information. And sometimes the writer doesn’t know what an info dump is at all.

For those who don’t know what an info dump is, it’s an extended form of telling (rather than showing). An info dump is a big chunk of information that is “dumped” in the reader’s lap all at once. These info dumps are usually done through narration but can be found in dialogue as well.

Sample Info Dump:

Jessica was her best friend. They met in high school and spent every day together. On the day they met, they were at dance class, which they both thought was kind of dumb, but had attended on a whim. Jessica stood right next to her and they laughed together about how goofy the boys looked dancing. After that they started doing everything together and became two peas in a pod.

Sample Info Dump Through Dialogue:

“Jessica is my best friend. We met in high school and spent every day together. On the day we met, we were at a dance class, which we both thought was kind of dumb, but….”

As far as info dumps go, these are relatively short. Info dumps can often stretch for paragraphs, pages, or even full chapters.

Identifying Info Dumps

So how do you know if you’ve got an info dump on your hands?

Info dumps can be fairly easily identified because nothing within the info dump is happening in the moment of the scene. Often they are reflections on the past (back story) or convey facts about the characters or world.

If you look at the sample info dump above, you can see right away that nothing being described is happening right now.

The most common things to info dump about are:

How abilities work (magical or otherwise).
Character back story.
Rules or laws of a city/country/world (very common in dystopian settings).
Personality traits.
Scifi technology.
Fantasy creatures/races.

Why are Info Dumps Bad?

Mainly because they’re boring! Readers want to be immersed in the moment of the story. They want to feel like they are standing beside your main character as exciting things happen around them.

Info dumps also fail to create an emotional reaction in the reader. Consider the following gem:

Jake had brown hair and blue eyes and liked to dance and play with dogs and do jumping jacks and one time his mother left him with the neighbor for a week and so he has deep emotional scars.

Makes you want to shed a tear, doesn’t it? Not! Most info dumps are cold/flat/bland. And when a reader’s emotions aren’t engaged, the reader’s not engaged.

The last reason I’m going to explore today is that info dumps feel like writing. The reader knows they’re reading a story, but they don’t want to feel like it’s a story. Info dumps call attention to themselves because they’re unnatural asides from the author. It’s like the director of a film stopping the movie to say, “Hey, wait a second, let me explain to you some vital information…”

Are Info Dumps Ever Okay?

Generally no, but a little bit of telling here and there is acceptable and encouraged. If you try to write a story with no telling at all, the reader may have difficulty fully understanding motivations.

The keys to effective telling are:

Integrate it into the scene as much as possible. Make it relevant to something that is happening in the moment.

Keep it brief. A sentence or two is about the max you get before reader’s eyes start to glaze over. In other words, no dumping!

Write it in such a way that it conveys something about a character’s personality. A flippant mention of a death keys the reader in that maybe the character didn’t like that person too well!

Break it up! Don’t stick all your telling in one spot. Sprinkle information throughout a scene or throughout the entire novel. Only tell the reader the minimum of what they need to know at any given moment.

Note that there are narrative styles that can get away with some info dumping:

Humor. If the info dump is funny and is in the context of a humorous novel, readers usually won’t notice or mind.

Omniscient POV. An omniscient narrator with a great voice and interesting perspective can make info dumps a seamless part of the narration.

First Person POV. But only when the info dumps convey voice or interesting character traits. Though I would not rest on this fact to justify keeping unimportant info dumps.

Middle grade novels. Opening with a nice info dump is common in early middle grade because it helps orient young readers who aren’t yet skilled at ascertaining implied character traits and back story.

Any time an info dump is actually genuinely truly entertaining, you’re probably okay. (But be honest with yourself!)

How to Avoid Info Dumps in the Setup

Info dumps can be a problem no matter where they fall in your manuscript, but I decided to put this lecture in the week focused on novel beginnings because the setup is notorious for lengthy info dumps. Plus, the closer to the beginning you info dump, the more likely it is to annoy the reader. Why? Because the reader is not yet invested enough in your story to be willing to wade through the information you want to tell them.

Homework: Cut Info Dumps from Your Setup

Go through your manuscript (as far as you are able given your time commitment to Novel Boot Camp) and highlight every piece of telling and every little info dump. Remember to look for anything that isn’t happening in the moment.

Chances are, you will end up with a stack (or digital file) of florescent-streaked pages. Go through each highlighted section and follow these steps:

Step One: Does it Matter?

“Of course it matters! It’s my beautiful novel! It’s a part of my character’s history! It’s a super interesting idea that is too awesome to remove!” – said every writer who has ever had to remove an info dump.

Losing a cool idea or an interesting piece of back story can hurt, but every writer includes things in the first draft that just don’t matter.

Ask yourself this: If I removed this info dump, would the reader still be able to understand the story? If yes, cut that baby out of there! If no, move on to step two.

Step Two: How Much of it Matters?

Sometimes only a tiny portion of an info dump is truly needed for clarity and the rest is extraneous.

Ask yourself: What is the bare minimum I could save of this info dump while preserving the reader’s ability to understand the story?

Sometimes this means ditching back story (Steph got busy last year and forgot to buy a gift for her mom because when she finally got out of work, all the stores were closed, then she had to go home to let the dog out, and….) and sticking to the simple facts (Steph forgot to buy a gift for her mom last year).

Step Three: Can it be Shown in an Existing Scene?

Now that you’ve deleted all the unnecessary info dumping, focus on the information you have left. Look at one piece of highlighting at a time.

Is there any way this information could be shown in a scene that already exists?

For example, if you need to convey to the reader that Kimmy is a smarty pants, perhaps you could show this in an existing scene where her big sisters are talking and she constantly butts into the conversation with her own ideas.

If you need to convey how a magical ability works, perhaps you could show it in an existing scene where the character needs to solve a conflict. Using the magic in the conflict is a quick and easy way to show how it works.

If you absolutely can’t incorporate the info dump into an existing scene, move on to step four.

Step Four: Create a Scene Around the Info

I am not saying to create a scene around the info dump. I am saying that you can create a scene that allows you to show the information contained in the info dump to the reader.

The important thing to remember is that the scene must push the plot forward. Creating an unneeded scene around an info dump is no better than keeping the info dump.

Step Five: Don’t be Lazy!

If you need to rewrite a major chunk of your book to avoid info dumping, do it! Don’t bury your head in the sand because it’s easier to leave in an info dump than it is to correct it.

Last Resort: Get Creative!

If you truly can’t find any way to convey information without using an info dump, make the info dump creative!

Use a newspaper article, a radio announcement, a TV broadcast, a conversation with an eccentric psychic, etc.

But remember that these creative techniques can be risky! The goal is to hide the fact that you’re info dumping, which means that you must execute it in a way that is clever and couched within the context of an interesting and engaging scene.

If Back Story Takes Over Your Novel

If you find that you have so much back story that there is no way to convey it without info dump after info dump, that could be a sign that you’re starting the story too late.

It could also be a sign that your plot is sagging and not enough is happening in the moment to balance the things that happened in the past.

Additional Resources

Is telling vs. showing giving you a headache? Check out some of my other articles on the subject:

How to Show Instead of Tell in Your Writing

How Much is Too Much Back Story

How to Dump Info without Info Dumping

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.

Novel Boot Camp – Lecture #1: The First Page Promise

July 1, 2014July 1, 201465 Comments

So here we are at our very first lecture for Novel Boot Camp! It only makes sense to start at the beginning – the very beginning – the first page of your novel.

If you follow my blog, then you know that I put a lot of stock in first pages. I provide free first page critiques every week in my blog series First Page Friday. I’ve probably written more about first pages and first chapters than anything else. And for a very good reason!

If your first page sucks, you’ve got nothing. Harsh? Maybe. But writing is a tough business. And because I’m an editor and love analogies, I’m going to compare it to another harsh business: the movie business.

Your Submission Package (An Analogy)

Most aspiring writers think of their first page as the setup, the part of the novel that just gets things going, the calm before the storm. This is wrong! All wrong! Your first page needs to open with a bang. It is your audition.

To carry the analogy a bit further:

Your query is your head shot.

Your First Page is your audition.

Your partial/full manuscript is the callback.

Getting published is getting the part.

We don’t have time to get into the query letter or (God forbid) your entire manuscript in this one blog post. So let’s focus on what we came here to focus on this morning: your first page.

The First Page is Your Audition

The goal of an audition is to impress the director with your acting skills. You want to demonstrate that you can handle the script better than anyone else. That you are great at what you do!

If a director likes your audition, it’s because they saw something in you that popped, something they loved. Because of that something, they give you a callback – another chance to convince them that you’re the actor for the job.

In the publishing world, your first page is your audition. It’s your chance to impress agents/editors with what you can do. You must convince them that you are a masterful storyteller of the exact story that you’re telling.

The Partial/Full is the Callback

In the movie business, if a director likes your audition, they give you a callback – a chance to prove that you can live up to your first audition. If you go to the callback and perform completely differently – maybe you put a new spin on the character or add some extra emotional complexity – the director is likely to be disappointed. Why? Because the director wants more of the same, not something different.

In the writing world, the first page is your initial audition. Everything that comes after (whether you send a partial or a full) is your callback. If your novel does not deliver what the first page promised, you’re in trouble. People who loved your first page won’t get what they wanted. And most importantly: the people who would’ve loved your novel won’t read it because the first page isn’t an accurate representation of the whole.

This means that the wrong people will read your novel. You might as well carve its tombstone right now.

Setting the Wrong Tone

The tone is the atmosphere your novel creates for the reader. It’s a sensation in their chest that makes them tense up with excitement or relax into a comforting tale. On the first page, the tone gives the reader an inkling of what to expect from your novel. It should spark an excitement that is supported from page one to the end.

But so many amateur novels set the wrong tone! If you open with a car chase, the reader will expect an action-packed book. If you follow that up with a family saga, the reader will be sorely disappointed. Likewise, a heart-wrenching death scene leading into a superficial comedy will attract all the wrong readers and repel the right ones.

So why do so many amateur novels open with the wrong tone? There are three main reasons:

1. The writer doesn’t know what the tone of their novel is when they first start writing, and after that first draft is complete, they don’t go back to rewrite the beginning.

2. The writer is worried that the logical point at which to open their novel is boring so they craft a more exciting beginning – even if it doesn’t represent their book.

3. The writer is too busy cramming information into the opening to write an interesting and on-tone first chapter.

Dreams, Prologues, Flashbacks, and Other False Promises

If your novel opens with a dream, prologue, or flashback there is a very good chance that you are opening with a false promise (and fall under group 2 in the list above).

These openings are often used as a way to make the first pages of the novel seem more exciting than they really are. Rather than crafting an awesome first chapter, it’s easier to write an exciting dream, prologue, or flashback to draw the reader into the story and then cross your fingers that they sludge through the boring opening that follows (the one you were trying to hide with the dream/flashback/prologue in the first place).

This is why writing advice across the web will tell you to avoid dreams, prologues, and flashbacks in your opening chapter. It is not because these things are inherently wrong, it’s because they are tools often used to deliver a false promise.

If your book makes sense without your prologue, dream, flashback, or any other device used to create a more engaging opening, you are probably better off cutting it and rewriting your first chapter.

ETA: Several people have posted in the comments asking if they can keep their prologue. I am not attempting to say that all prologues are bad, simply that prologues can be used to disguise problems with the first chapter. If this doesn’t describe your book, don’t fret over starting with a prologue just because it’s a prologue.

You can test whether your prologue works by asking yourself if both your prologue and your first chapter hold up in the homework section of this post.

“But what about my query letter or back cover blurb? Readers already know what my book is about!”

Both query letters and back cover blurbs are generally terrible at conveying tone. Furthermore, agents/editors rarely trust the writer’s ability to accurately assess and portray their genre and basic plot within a query letter.

Think of your query and blurb like a head shot in the movie business. A head shot is not intended to be used to cast an actor. It is a tool used to determine whether the director wants to give that actor a chance (an audition). It’s a quick peek that allows the director to say, “Oh yes, I love tall, dark, and handsome!” or “No, I need a short, ugly guy.”

The query letter and back cover blurb are your head shots. They’re you saying, “Look how pretty I can be!” But anyone can take a pretty photo or write a pretty query. That doesn’t mean they can act or write a cohesive novel.

If your first page delivers a tone or represents a genre other than what is stated in your blurb or query, you’re unlikely to get readers to stick around.

“But my novel gets better later!”

If you don’t impress readers/agents/editors on page one, there is no later.

A false promise opening is still a false promise even if it accurately represents the last half of your book. The first page must promise something that the entire book can deliver on.

How to Create a Promise You can Keep

Focus on the tone of your novel (creepy, heart-warming, funny, etc.). Come up with ways to integrate this tone into your opening page. But don’t go overboard. You want the novel to steadily build in intensity, so you don’t want the opening scene to be the scariest/most heart-warming/action-packed thing that happens in your book.

But don’t be boring either.

Sound like a tall order? It’s not as hard as you might think. Pick an opening that contains a conflict that is a micro-version of the internal or external central conflict of your novel. For example, if your novel is about a boy learning to be himself, start with a conflict about how he must pretend to not be himself to avoid a bully.

If your novel is about overthrowing an oppressive government, open with the character challenging an oppressive postal worker.

In both of these examples, the writer would have no problem building up the intensity over time, yet the examples aren’t boring either. They tell the reader exactly what to expect from the book, which means the right people are going to read it.

Homework Assignment

Before you begin, remember that to write a great first page, you must put your absolute best foot forward. This doesn’t mean using a style that isn’t your own or writing a crazy action-packed car chase. It means writing a first page that is the best overall representation of your novel.

Step One: Identify the tone of your novel. If you haven’t done so already, submit your novel’s opening in the Genre Guessing Game workshop to see if you’re conveying the tone you intend.

Step Two: Identify the external and internal conflict. The external conflict is the obstacle/villain/antagonist acting against the main character. The internal conflict is something within the character that is holding them back (usually a character flaw).

Step Three: Consider whether your current opening reflects the overall tone.

If not, brainstorm moments where you can create a stronger atmosphere. Don’t forget that word choice can have a huge impact on the novel’s tone.

Step Four: Consider whether your current opening has a conflict that mirrors the internal or external central conflict.

If your novel does not open with a conflict at all, that’s a good indication that it needs some major rewriting.

Step Four: Depending on your time commitment to Novel Boot Camp, either write a new novel opening or make notes about what to change about the current one.

If you don’t need to make any changes, triumphantly proclaim it in the comments section or on Twitter (#NovelBootCamp) and take today to peruse some of my past writing advice.

If you do need to make changes, let us know in the comments or on Twitter (#NovelBootCamp).

If you need help with your opening or aren’t sure if you need to make changes, post your questions in the comments, on Twitter (#NovelBootCamp), or in the Facebook group.

Additional Resources for a Killer Opening

Want to learn more about opening your novel? Here are my other videos and articles about the first chapter:

[VIDEO] First Chapter Mistakes and Cliches

[VIDEO] How to Write a Great First Chapter

[VIDEO] How to Write the Setup of Your Novel

Nailing Your Novel’s First Chapter

First Page Friday

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.

First Page Friday #39: MG Horror/Adventure

June 27, 201418 Comments

Novel Boot Camp

First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate! Connect with other Novel Boot Camp participants:

Need a Critique Partner or Writing Friend? It’s not too late to join the meet and greet!

About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

MG Horror/Adventure – Ryan

Erik admired the way his brother could smile through his bloodied face. Ozzie received a beating with all the regularity of a clock striking twelve, but this time it actually came at midnight. Ozzie crushed stalks of wheat as he fell, but he jumped up and struck back with his ten-year-old arms. He was no match for Jonas though. With four more years of hard farming labor over Ozzie, Jonas’s arms were twice the size and impacted his body like an axe to a tree. With a fist driven to his gut, Ozzie dropped to the ground again, struggling to breathe.

The skin on Erik’s face grew hot, but he just watched. He dug his hand in his pocket, found his rock and squeezed. There’s no use intervening; Jonas would just brutalize him like he did Ozzie. Nothing would be put to right. The rock pained his hand as his grasp constricted. There was a clamp on his stomach every time his brother got beat, but even if he did get the better of Jonas, there’d be hell to pay at home. Besides, Jonas was going to get his just desserts later anyway. Erik smirked and released the rock in his pocket.

“Are you idiots going to get back to work? Uncle Bauer won’t be happy if the harvest isn’t done before the storms come.” Erik said.

“Mind yer own business! Just had to finish teaching your brain-dead brother the same lesson as always.” Jonas strutted away giving his wrist a quick flick. “See you rats tomorrow. I gotta date with Lara.”

“A pretty girl like that…” Ozzie stammered between breaths, “ain’t gonna go for a moron like you.” But Jonas was already gone.

Erik approached his brother and shook his head when he saw Ozzie’s smile, like pearls in a stream of blood. “What’s wrong with you? Fighting him ain’t going to do no good.” He pulled Ozzie up. “You gotta stop getting him angry.”

Ozzie brushed his pants. “I didn’t even do anything; he just wants to be a tough guy. Someone’s gotta do something about it sometime.”

Erik patted down Ozzie’s shoulders brushing off dirt and broken stalks. “Don’t worry about that, he’s in for quite a surprise when he gets to Krause’s barn.”

Ozzie wiped his bloody mouth with the back of his arm. “Why’s that?”

Erik laughed. “You wanna get back at Jonas? You gotta know his weak spot; Lara. I once heard him singing about her hair smelling like dandelions! It’s pathetic. You know Elsa, right? I got her to write a letter pretending to be Lara. It says she’s always had a secret love for him and that he should go over to her family’s barn tonight because she’s got a special present for him.”

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

MG Horror/Adventure – Ryan

Erik admired the way his brother could smile through his bloodied face. Ozzie received a beating with all the regularity of a clock striking twelve, but this time it actually came at midnight. < I really like this line. Ozzie crushed stalks of wheat as he fell, but he jumped up and struck back with his ten-year-old arms. < His arms are ten years old? What about the rest of him? I’m just teasing. But I suggest you find another way to introduce his age. Also if Erik admires Ozzie, the assumption is going to be that Ozzie is older. If that’s the case, then Erik is probably too young to appeal to most MG readers. He was no match for Jonas though. With four more years of hard farming labor over Ozzie, Jonas’s arms were twice the size and impacted his body like an axe to a tree. With a fist driven to his gut, Ozzie dropped to the ground again, struggling to breathe.

Is this story about Erik or Ozzie? You open with Erik, which indicates to readers that he is the main character, but then the rest of the paragraph focuses on Ozzie. We even get details about Ozzie, like his age and the fact that he always gets beaten up. We don’t know anything about Erik.

The skin on Erik’s face grew hot, but he just watched. < Here you’re telling me that your character is inactive. If he’s the MC, this is a problem. He needs to be participating. He dug his hand in his pocket, found his rock and squeezed. There’s was no use intervening; Jonas would just brutalize him like he did Ozzie. Nothing would be put to right. The rock pained his hand as his grasp constricted. There was a clamp on his stomach every time his brother got beat, but even if he did get the better of Jonas, there’d be hell to pay at home. Besides, Jonas was going to get his just desserts later anyway. Erik smirked and released the rock in his pocket.

“Are you idiots going to get back to work? Uncle Bauer won’t be happy if the harvest isn’t done before the storms come.” Erik said. < They’re harvesting in the middle of the night? Why?

“Mind yer own business! Just had to finish teaching your brain-dead brother the same lesson as always.” <What lesson is he teaching him? As a reader, I expected the scene to focus on the fight and why it occurred. The fight not being addressed feels like a let down. Jonas strutted away giving his wrist a quick flick. “See you rats tomorrow. I gotta date with Lara.”

“A pretty girl like that…” Ozzie stammered between breaths, “ain’t gonna go for a moron like you.” But Jonas was already gone.

Erik approached his brother and shook his head when he saw Ozzie’s smile, his teeth like pearls in a stream of blood. “What’s wrong with you? Fighting him ain’t going to do no good.” He pulled Ozzie up. “You gotta stop getting him angry.” < I’m not sure what personality traits Erik has. Is he bossy towards his brother or caring? Is he afraid to intervene or not?

Ozzie brushed his pants. “I didn’t even do anything; he just wants to be a tough guy. Someone’s gotta do something about it sometime.”

Erik patted down Ozzie’s shoulders brushing off dirt and broken stalks. “Don’t worry about that, he’s in for quite a surprise when he gets to Krause’s barn.”

Ozzie wiped his bloody mouth with the back of his arm. “Why’s that?” < The blood makes this seem like upper middle grade (ages 10-12) but Ozzie’s age (10) makes it seem like lower middle grade. Remember that middle graders read about kids older than they are, not the same age or younger.

My Overall Thoughts

From this opening, I’m getting the impression that Erik is a fairly weak character – both in the sense that he is inactive and in the sense that his personality is not fully conceived/conveyed. I’m also not sure when this is set. The harvest makes me wonder if this is historical but it’s certainly not clear.

Key Places to Improve:

Clarify who the main character is. If it’s Erik, why open with a conflict involving his brother and another boy? This is our first impression of Erik and he’s standing on the sidelines. His lack of involvement makes him seem like an observer, which is not a good trait for a protagonist.

If Erik is afraid to intervene, why does he have no problem calling them “idiots”? The emphasis on the rock and his inaction seemed to indicate that a fear of fighting is a character trait for him, so the name calling and his plan to trick Jonas contradicts that. Give the reader at least one concrete character trait to latch onto.

The setting of the scene is confusing. Why are they harvesting wheat at midnight? Why are kids harvesting wheat at all? Is this historical?

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2.5

I’m not sure that you’re starting in the right place or getting the best details into this opening, but the writing was pretty smooth with a few lines that stood out (standing out is good!). Make sure that you keep your voice apparent because I do see a risk of slipping into a bland voicelessness.

But of course, since you’re participating in Novel Boot Camp, we’re going to get your novel polished to a shine!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

Help First Page Friday Succeed! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #38: Crime Fiction / Thriller

June 20, 20149 Comments

First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!

Snag a Critique Partner on Monday June 23rd!

In preparation for Novel Boot Camp, I will be hosting a meet-up session on my blog for writers who are looking for critique partners or writing friends to help keep them motivated. You do not have to participate in Novel Boot Camp to participate. Please come by on Monday and make some new friends!

About First Page Friday

Crime Fiction / Thriller – Glenn

A distraction was the last thing that Mark Ingle needed.

In the Two and a half years that he had been working for Wright and McConnell advertising agency, no other brief had been so difficult. He wondered, as he glanced out of the small window next to his desk, if he should even be there. Not only was this client’s brief challenging to say the least, last night’s argument with Gina had left him exhausted. It was becoming a habit. Two months ago, Gina had decided it was time that they took their relationship to the next level. This involved moving in to a small two room apartment in London together. Mark was beginning to think it was a bad idea.

The distraction appeared benign enough. Marks phone rang. It was the floor receptionist. ‘Mark, I have your sister, Elizabeth on the phone from Australia, she says it is important.’

‘Thanks Emma. Tell her I will call her back in ten minutes. He checked his email, shut his monitor off and stood to go to lunch. As he took his first step he saw his boss, Ian, striding between the petitions, coming his way.

‘Here we go.’ Mark said under his breath.

‘Where are you up to on the Hybrid?’ Ian asked, as if already knowing the answer.

‘Well, I’m getting there, but…’

‘But what? I get the feeling you’re doing a little too much shagging about on this one Mark.’

‘I would rather you gave this to someone else in copy sir.’ Mark regretted his tone before the words were all out. Ian’s response began calm enough.

‘I’m afraid that it is a bit late for that. You have been sitting- and I don’t use the word lightly- on this for a week. What the hell could your problem be with it anyway?’

‘It’s a farce. Who is going to fall for the sort of shite that I am expected to say about a Hybrid SUV that is the size of a Sherman tank? It’s better for the environment, CRAP! It uses less fuel than the car you are driving now, CRAP! It will cost you less in Congestion charge, At least that bit’s true, in fact it is the only reason the bloody thing exists. Why else would they only want to target London and surrounding counties? How many do you think will be sold in countries that don’t have congestion charge? ZIP!.. Oh, I suppose a few do-good Hollywood celebs will buy them.’ Mark could feel that his face had turned red and could see that Ian was quickly turning a similar hue.

‘I will tell you why people will buy them. They will buy them by the ship load because our advertisement tells them to buy them. They will buy them because our advertisements are considered the best in the business. I think young man that you are forgetting that this agency employs you to write copy, not to bang on with your own opinions!.. and write copy is exactly what you are going to do!’

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

My Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Crime Fiction / Thriller – Glenn

A distraction was the last thing that Mark Ingle needed. < This is an opening sentence that I’ve seen a lot. That doesn’t mean it can’t or doesn’t work, but I point it out only because it doesn’t have the uniqueness or flair that it might have had at one time.

In the Two and a half years that he had been working for Wright and McConnell advertising agency, no other brief had been so difficult. He wondered, as he glanced out of the small window next to his desk, if he should even be there. Not only was this client’s brief challenging to say the least, last night’s argument with Gina had left him exhausted. It was becoming a habit. At this point I am already tired of the telling (rather than showing). I don’t know the character well enough to truly care and I want to get on with the story. I can learn the details of his relationship with Gina later. Two months ago, Gina had decided it was time that they took their relationship to the next level. This involved moving in to a small two room apartment in London together. Mark was beginning to think it was a bad idea.

The distraction appeared benign enough. Mark‘s phone rang. It was the floor receptionist. ‘Mark, I have your sister, Elizabeth on the phone from Australia, she says it is important.’

‘Thanks Emma. Tell her I will call her back in ten minutes. He checked his email, shut his monitor off and stood to go to lunch. As he took his first step he saw his boss, Ian, striding between the petitions, coming his way.

‘Here we go.’ Mark said under his breath.

‘Where are you up to on the Hybrid?’ Ian asked, as if already knowing the answer.

‘Well, I’m getting there, but…’

‘But what? I get the feeling you’re doing a little too much shagging about on this one Mark.’

‘I would rather you gave this to someone else in copy sir.’ Mark regretted his tone before the words were all out. Ian’s response began calm enough.

‘I’m afraid that it is a bit late for that. You have been sitting- and I don’t use the word lightly- on this for a week. What the hell could your problem be with it anyway?’ < This last bit of dialogue seems unnatural to me. I would reword it: ‘What the hell is your problem with it anyway?’

‘It’s a farce. Who is going to fall for the sort of shite that I am expected to say about a Hybrid SUV that is the size of a Sherman tank? It’s better for the environment, CRAP! It uses less fuel than the car you are driving now, CRAP! It will cost you less in Congestion charge, At least that bit’s true, in fact it is the only reason the bloody thing exists. Why else would they only want to target London and surrounding counties? How many do you think will be sold in countries that don’t have congestion charge? ZIP!.. Oh, I suppose a few do-good Hollywood celebs will buy them.’ < I don’t know enough about Mark for this rant to feel authentic or passionate. Without the emotional buildup that the character experienced (which the reader didn’t experience), the dialogue has no impact. Mark could feel that his face had turned red and could see that Ian was quickly turning a similar hue.

My Overall Thoughts

I’m not getting crime fiction or thriller from this opening at all. I would expect this to be realistic fiction about the dangers of sacrificing your beliefs for your job.

Key Places to Improve:

You’ve introduced a lot of conflict without giving the reader any emotional connection to it. Mark goes from flat to ranting at his boss. I don’t feel close to him and I don’t really understand how he feels. Work on engaging the reader’s emotions by showing Mark’s feelings progress through the scene.

Mark’s conflict with Gina, the distraction of the phone call, his boss getting upset, and Mark not wanting to write the advertisement is a lot of conflict but the reader is not given any context for how to interpret these events. Is he poor and worried about losing his job? Does he care about Gina because she’s the only woman to ever love him? Is his sister calling after ten years of silence or does she call every day?

If this is crime fiction or a thriller, I would open with something with more sinister undertones. This doesn’t read like the opening of a page-turner. I feel like I might be getting ready to learn a life lesson about not selling one’s soul for a job.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

There’s nothing really wrong with the writing, but it’s a bit flat/unemotional. Forming that emotional connection to the reader is vital in making any story work.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday Succeed! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #37: Historical Time Travel

June 13, 201428 Comments

First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!

About First Page Friday

Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix

PRESENT – 1804 AD

6 / 15 / 1804

9:48 PM

Boulogne-sur-Mer, northern coast of France

Near the Tour d’Ordre ruins

CHAPTER 1

ARRIVAL

The surface of the pool frothed and exploded. Three men simultaneously arched out of the churning water gasping for air. Their arms flailed and hands touched. They instinctively recoiled from each other – there should have been no hands to touch… the pool was empty only a second ago.

Each man looked desperately at the other, half expecting to see body parts, but found only the faces of two other men staring back with the same shocked expression. Quickly they jumped to the side of the pool – now searching outward to see how close the fireball had hit, and if it was safe to get out. There was only one fire burning from a five foot crater about fifteen feet from the edge. Nothing else seemed awry close to the pool. As one, they all clambered to the edge blocks and got out of the water.

Bayard rolled onto his back, gasping, staring up at the night sky. A few fire trails twirled through the air in random directions. Whatever had happened down by the docks, the worst of it was over. He could hear the voices of men yelling in the distance and curses closer by.

George stood up as soon as he got out of the pool – and just as quickly sat down. Surveying the landscape around him, something was just… wrong! He knew the quality of the darkened sky wasn’t artificial like the eclipse would create. This was night darkness. In fact, now that he looked around, everything was wrong. The fence around the pool was gone. In fact, everything around the pool was gone! The fence, the lockers, the buildings close by. He felt his head for injuries, thinking he must have taken a piece of shrapnel.

Titus crouched, his head swiveling. Where did all these tents and men come from? He froze as soon as he saw the lighthouse ruins. Impossible! he thought. A single greek fireball could not have destroyed the lighthouse and left half the base intact without rubble from the bricks being strewn to the depth of a man for a league. He would be crushed, as would the other two men who apparently had also jumped in to avoid the fireball.

He examined the sky to see if the eclipse had passed – and his mind twisted on itself. He could tell instantly by the position of the stars that it was no longer late afternoon, but late evening! Looking quickly around, the… land… was changed! At his feet – the stones of the pool… had aged! The twisting of his mind now reached his stomach. Overwhelmed, Titus fell to his knees and vomited. He collapsed onto his side, the eyes rolling into the back of his head, his body convulsing wildly in the grass.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

My Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix

PRESENT – 1804 AD

6 / 15 / 1804

9:48 PM

Boulogne-sur-Mer, northern coast of France

Near the Tour d’Ordre ruins

CHAPTER 1

ARRIVAL

The surface of the pool frothed and exploded. < I’m not sure how the surface of water could explode. Is it a literal explosion (with fire) or just a big spray of water? Was the explosion coming from under the water or just on the surface? Three men simultaneously arched out of the churning water gasping for air. < I’d lose the adverb to strengthen your prose. Their arms flailed and hands touched. They instinctively recoiled from each other – there should have been no hands to touch… the pool was empty only a second ago. < This confuses me. Weren’t the three men in the water a second ago? How could it have been empty if they were in it? Are you saying that none of the three men knew the other men were present?

Each man looked desperately at the other, half expecting to see body parts, < Why would they expect to see body parts if the pool was empty? but found only the faces of two other men staring back with the same shocked expression. Quickly they jumped to the side of the pool – now searching outward to see how close the fireball had hit, < I didn’t realize there was a fireball. Was that what caused the explosion in the water or is this a different issue altogether? and if it was safe to get out. There was only one fire burning from a five foot crater about fifteen feet from the edge. Nothing else seemed awry close to the pool. As one, they all clambered to the edge blocks and got out of the water. < “Edge blocks” surprised me. I was imagining this as a natural pool.

Bayard rolled onto his back, gasping, staring up at the night sky. A few fire trails twirled through the air in random directions. < I’m not sure what you mean by this. Fire is suspended in the air? Whatever had happened down by the docks, the worst of it was over. < What happened by the docks? I thought all this was happening around a pool? He could hear the voices of men yelling in the distance and curses closer by.

George stood up as soon as he got out of the pool – and just as quickly sat down. Surveying the landscape around him, something was just… wrong! He knew the quality of the darkened sky wasn’t artificial like the eclipse would create. < Are you implying that there was supposed to be an eclipse? This was night darkness. In fact, now that he looked around, everything was wrong. The fence around the pool was gone. In fact, everything around the pool was gone! The fence, the lockers, the buildings close by. He felt his head for injuries, thinking he must have taken a piece of shrapnel.

I don’t know how the novel progresses, but it might be a good idea to stick close to one of these men to give the reader time to form an attachment (rather than jumping to Titus in the next paragraph).

He examined the sky to see if the eclipse had passed – and his mind twisted on itself. He could tell instantly by the position of the stars that it was no longer late afternoon, but late evening! Looking quickly around, the… land… was changed! At his feet – the stones of the pool… had aged! < How can he tell that the stones have aged? What has visually changed about them? The twisting of his mind now reached his stomach. Overwhelmed, Titus fell to his knees and vomited. He collapsed onto his side, the eyes rolling into the back of his head, his body convulsing wildly in the grass.

My Overall Thoughts

I found this opening a bit difficult to follow. I felt that the descriptions did not do an adequate job of explaining what was happening so I was continually adjusting how I was visualizing the scene.

Key Places to Improve:

I’m not sure how the novel progresses, but I’m wondering if starting this novel just a moment sooner would help with clarity. It would give you time to describe what the men were doing, that they saw a fireball, and that it was afternoon. That way, when things change, the reader understands that things have changed and can experience the confusion along with the men.

Watch out for adverbs. They weaken prose. I gave you a couple of free ones because I think they can be used effectively at times, however I would cut out as many as you can (even if it means rewriting/rewording sentences).

It may be a good idea to choose one of the men to primarily focus on so that you give the reader a point of connection. It’s a good idea to either give the reader a character to connect to or an idea to get excited about. Meaning, that I would either make it very clear what’s going on (even though the characters don’t know) or I would let the reader get very close to one of the characters so that they experience the confusion along with them.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

I had a hard time following this. I wanted to either experience intrigue about the idea or concern for a character, but I found I spent most of the time trying to decipher what was going on.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday Succeed! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #36: Supernatural Suspense

June 6, 2014June 6, 201428 Comments

First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!

About First Page Friday

Supernatural Suspense – Laura T. Evans

New York City, New York

2:34 am

***Trigger Warning: Rape***

His eyes were sharp, focused; the kind that could be almost handsome in a different situation. He was still inside her moving with purpose. She tried to turn her head away, but his hand gripped her chin and forced her to look at him. If she tried to close her eyes, he would hit her; she had already attempted it once; the pain in her cheek still pulsing. She stared through him, thinking of her family and friends, hoping that he would finish and just walk away.

He grinned at her sardonically. “Yeah baby, fight me.” He purred into her ear, his breath hot and sticky.

“NO!” her mind screamed, and she forced her limbs to go completely limp, challenging him with her eyes. There was no way she would live through this, she had heard the news stories. The knife pressed deeper; she felt it, the blood warm and sticky running down her breasts and onto the clean starched sheets. Should she feel sorry for the maid who would walk into this tomorrow?

He bent down and whispered in her ear but she only caught some of it as her mind was beginning to blur, “..pathetic, weak, I enjoy watching all of you die under me.”

She closed her eyes and prayed for the end. It came slowly as her heart ceased to beat.

***

***End Trigger Warning***

Aurora, Iowa

6:25 pm

Sarah opened the door to her shiny black sedan and stepped out, bumping it closed with her backside, and leaned against the cool metal, releasing the breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding. The house didn’t look much different that it had 12 years ago; just a few things were different. The shutter on her bedroom window was hanging askew and the front steps paint was flaking away in big pieces showing the bare cement; basically it was exactly as she remembered. It was once a beautiful place, the home of an actual family, but scrub and tall weeds now covered the front flowerbeds, which clearly hadn’t been tended years.

She stepped decisively up to the front door and stopped. Her hand gently extended on the knob; feeling the familiar crawling that started in her legs and moved slowly up her torso to her head, like tiny bugs scampering on her skin, when she used her abilities. The images were coming fast, flipping through her mind; a child playing on a rope swing, her father singing Frank Sinatra in the den while writing something on a paper, her mother digging in the front flower bed while she placed the small delicate sprout into the fresh clean earth.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

My Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Supernatural Suspense – Laura T. Evans

New York City, New York

2:34 am

***Trigger Warning: Rape***

His eyes were sharp, focused; the kind that could be almost handsome in a different situation. < “The kind” seems awkward here to me. “Handsome” isn’t a kind of eyes in my opinion. I would just say “they could be almost handsome.” He was still inside her moving with purpose. She tried to turn her head away, but his hand gripped her chin and forced her to look at him. If she tried to close her eyes, he would hit her; she had already attempted it once; the pain in her cheek still pulsing. She stared through him, thinking of her family and friends, hoping that he would finish and just walk away. < There are some very strong opinions out there about the depiction of rape in fiction. Some agents/publishers are rarely or never okay with it; others are okay with it when it develops characters or is vital to the plot. I have seen many agents say that they do not like reading about rape or violence in the opening pages of a novel (before they’ve had time to settle into the plot). Opening with rape is risky and very unlikely to be a benefit. I would consider carefully whether the novel needs to start here.

She felt the point of the knife slide into her throat and her body began bucking wildly to unseat him but her limbs chaffed at the ropes; he was just too strong, too heavy and she didn’t have the strength anymore to fight him. <I would show the development from her “bucking wildly” to not having the “strength anymore to fight him.” I also feel that you aren’t giving the reader anything to latch onto other than the rape itself. Who is this person? Where is this person? Why are they there? If these are mystery elements, is it important to show this scene at all? There are alternatives. For example, you could describe where she was prior to the rape, where she was going, what she was doing, etc., then end the scene alluding to the fact that she never makes it home again.

He grinned at her sardonically. “Yeah baby, fight me.” He purred into her ear, his breath hot and sticky. < This is a description I’ve read many times before.

He bent down and whispered in her ear but she only caught some of it as her mind was beginning to blur, “..pathetic, weak, I enjoy watching all of you die under me.”

She closed her eyes and prayed for the end. It came slowly as her heart ceased to beat. < Not to sound callous, but why should readers care about this woman’s death? We don’t know who she is. We don’t know why she matters. This scene has no value to the reader other than on a superficial fact-based level. Why should we care what happens next? She already died and there aren’t really any mystery elements to wonder about.

***

***End Trigger Warning***

Aurora, Iowa

6:25 pm

Sarah opened the door to her shiny black sedan and stepped out, bumping it closed with her backside, < I would start a new sentence here. Give the reader time to digest what you’re saying. and leaned against the cool metal, The house didn’t look much different that it had 12 years ago; just a few things were different. < This sentence feels redundant. I would condense the two clauses into one. The shutter on her bedroom window was hanging askew and the front step‘s paint was flaking away in big pieces showing the bare cement; < I’d cut the red section for a tighter description. basically it was exactly as she remembered. < I thought you meant those things were what was different (the shutter askew and the paint flaking), but now you’re saying this was how she remembered it. This was a bit jarring. It was once a beautiful place, the home of an actual family, but scrub and tall weeds now covered the front flowerbeds, which clearly hadn’t been tended years. <So was it “the home of an actual family” when she lived there? Or was it always like this?

She stepped decisively up to the front door and stopped. Her hand gently extended on the knob; <This description reads awkwardly to me. I think “to the knob” would make more sense. feeling the familiar crawling that started in her legs and moved slowly up her torso to her head, like tiny bugs scampering on her skin, when she used her abilities. < This sentence is too long and I found myself struggling a bit to read it. It also means that her hand experienced the feeling (not her). The images were coming fast, flipping through her mind; a child playing on a rope swing, her father singing Frank Sinatra in the den while writing something on a paper, her mother digging in the front flower bed while she placed the small delicate sprout into the fresh clean earth. < “While” doesn’t make sense here unless she is digging with one hand and placing the flowers at the same time with the other hand.

My Overall Thoughts

Opening with a rape scene is a risk and one that I would avoid unless you feel very strongly that it is absolutely the best place to start your novel. The next scene is okay, but you still haven’t established a strong connection to a character. Why is Sarah going back to her childhood home? Alluding to the reason might be a good way to create suspense or intrigue.

Key Places to Improve:

Work on writing shorter, clearer sentences. Make sure when you describe things (like whether the house looks the same or different), all the descriptions relate back to the same idea.

Give the reader more character to latch onto. Other than her powers occurring, how does Sarah feel about going back home?

If you tend to rely on standard, easy descriptions (his breath was hot and sticky), go through your manuscript and replace these typical descriptions with something a little more “you,” something that will make agents see what is unique about your voice.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

The opening is risky, but the second scene didn’t really reel me in either.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

About the Editor

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First Page Friday #35: Fantasy

May 30, 2014May 30, 201418 Comments

About First Page Friday

Fantasy – Anna Chidiac

It was my first time on the surface.

It was the first time any of my people had been on the surface in hundreds of years.

The only thing I knew about it was from stories. I knew about the sun, which provided light to us too, although we could not see it. I knew about large trees and animals. I knew about the people who lived up here. Or at least, I knew what they were like hundreds of years ago. I guessed things had changed a lot since then. I wondered if they still had farms and books.

I left my ship in the water, hidden in a deep cave, and climbed onto a shoreline of jagged rocks.

It was early morning and the day was already brighter than it ever was at home. The sun blazed with a white hot light that almost burned my skin.

As I got closer to them, they sat up, and vigilantly followed me with their eyes, or as vigilantly as they seemed capable of. I tried to look non-threatening, but I remained alert. I would not let my guard down simply because these people seemed harmless. There was a strong sense of wariness amongst them that could easily turn into hostility.

It was a small beach, but beautiful. I had not ever seen such white sand. It was a stark contrast to the water, which looked like a raging mass of liquid black. The water in my world was perfectly still, this water crashed into the shore in waves. The entire beach was surrounded by a thick green forest.

As I walked, more and more people stopped what they were dong to look at me. It was not long before every one of them was staring in fearful curiosity. I slipped into the woods. I knew I would have to establish trust with these people, if I was going to get what I wanted. But the gaze of the ones in front of me made me uneasy. I would find someone else to speak with. There were paths in the forest, and not far in, I came a across a hard flat surface full of shining metallic structures of all different colors. Each one had four wheels.

“Intriguing” I said, walking up to study a deep blue one. “It is like a carriage with no horse”

“Hey!” a man shouted.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

My Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Fantasy – Anna Chidiac

It was my first time on the surface. < I am immediately thinking “mermaid,” and because mermaids have been done quite a bit in fiction, I am also immediately wondering what will make this particular story stand out.

It was the first time any of my people had been on the surface in hundreds of years.

I left my ship in the water, hidden in a deep cave, and climbed onto a shoreline of jagged rocks.

It was early morning and the day was already brighter than it ever was at home. The sun blazed with a white hot light that almost burned my skin. < Since the sun can burn the skin of surface-dwelling humans, the sun being “almost” hot enough to burn her skin doesn’t seem very severe. I want more suspense, higher stakes.

I saw no sign of people on the rocks, they were desolate and bare. But there was a white beach to my left with signs of life. I ran along the uneven terrain, negotiating it with ease, and jumped down onto the sand. < If she’s never met humans before, wouldn’t she be scared? If she’s not scared, what is she feeling? I want to be emotionally close to her.

Here there were people; people that looked very different from mine. Their skin was darker; it ranged from pink to dark brown. Younger ones played on the beach while older ones lied around in the sun, some of them carrying unnecessary extra weight. They seemed carefree to the point of lethargy. < I want to be able to visualize this clearly, but I’m not sure how close she is to the people. Is she standing among them? Is she a few yards away? Can the people see her?

As I got closer to them, they sat up, and vigilantly followed me with their eyes, or as vigilantly as they seemed capable of. I tried to look non-threatening, < Could you show this? How does she change her posture or behavior to seem less threatening? but I remained alert. I would not let my guard down simply because these people seemed harmless. There was a strong sense of wariness amongst them that could easily turn into hostility. < Add some expression of her emotion. Is her heart pounding? Is she shaking? Does she hate the feeling of all those eyes on her body?

It was a small beach, but beautiful. < You’re breaking what little tension you’ve created. Now things seem pleasant and peaceful. I had not ever seen such white sand. It was a stark contrast to the water, which looked like a raging mass of liquid black. The water in my world was perfectly still, this water crashed into the shore in waves. The entire beach was surrounded by a thick green forest.

As I walked, more and more people stopped what they were dong to look at me. It was not long before every one of them was staring in fearful curiosity. I slipped into the woods. < This is vague. How far did she have to go to get to the woods? Did she run? Did she get scratched on tree branches? Did she stumble and fall? Is she embarrassed or scared or curious? I knew I would have to establish trust with these people, if I was going to get what I wanted. But the gaze of the ones in front of me made me uneasy. < Show that the gazes made her uneasy at the time that she was standing in front of them. Also, if they make her uneasy, why did she go near them in the first place? I would find someone else to speak with. < If she was trying to speak with someone, then show her making an attempt at conversation or getting too scared to try. Otherwise, her motivation is not clear, which creates a barrier between her and the reader. Even a subtle indication of her motivation (For example: “I had to do this.”) would help tremendously in the early part of this opening. There were paths in the forest, and not far in, I came a across a hard flat surface full of shining metallic structures of all different colors. Each one had four wheels.

“Intriguing” I said, walking up to study a deep blue one. “It is like a carriage with no horse” < How would she know what a carriage is?

“Hey!” a man shouted.

My Overall Thoughts

The writing is too sparse to draw the reader in. Whether this is a mermaid book or she’s some sort of underground dweller, this should be – at least in part – a “fish out of water” story. I want to see her getting burned by the sun. I want her to shake with fear at approaching the humans. I want her to wobble on unsteady legs. I want to see how horribly different it is to be on the surface.

Key Places to Improve:

The main character feels completely blank. There is no hint of personality and only the tiniest indications of emotion. Readers want to connect to your character, but that can’t happen if you don’t give them any points of connection. Show emotions through body language, gestures, behavior, thoughts, etc.

Paint a more evocative picture for the reader. I want to feel the sand under my feet, smell the hotdog stand, hear the children laughing. Rather than making generalized descriptions of the people and setting, pick out individual elements that represent the whole. For example: “A child jumped in front of me, his skin shiny and pink, his blond curls waving in the light breeze.”

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

I couldn’t emotionally connect with the story nor create strong enough visuals in my mind to get sucked in.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday Succeed! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #34: Historical Fiction

May 23, 201414 Comments

About First Page Friday

Historical Fiction – Pam Portland

Jack and Clementine occupied plastic, folding chairs under the portable tarp that covered the simple grave site attempting to ignore the sideways gusts of rain the wind blew, which added wet misery directed towards them. Master Sergeant David York’s death, while not unexpected, left the two teenagers huddling against the rain and against the exasperating task of tackling adulthood immediately. Admittedly, Clementine had the advantage of years over Jack and having a far better recollection of the process of burying a parent, yet the assistance from the military family support network primarily covered the procedures, rather than the emotions of the day’s experience. While thankful for their presence and assistance during his final days, which she felt assured would end with this service, her appreciation measured insignificantly against her fear and uncertainty of the life now ahead of her and her brother.

In roughly a few months, she expected, about the time the paperwork and probate hit full swing, she would already have turned eighteen and be able to control legally the responsibilities she had managed for years. Ever since her father had first been hospitalized following what had been anticipated as a brief outpatient procedure to remove a small mass, she kept the household running while her father continued his military responsibilities and the daunting task of managing and regulating his health. Procedures, paperwork, therapies, treatments, medicines, and maladies filled their lives and now twenty-two months later, Clementine would be flying solo in her business obligations and her brother’s care.

Jack, however, still had four months until he could receive his driver’s permit, three more years of high school studies, and a lifetime with no one to serve as a mentor to him. Clementine, despite her involvement otherwise, tried always to be just a big sister to him. From packing lunches to paying for school field trips from her father’s account, she took care of the matriarchal duties, but not with the effort of a parent, but rather out of sibling affection. She inherited and honed the role over a decade when their mother’s misdiagnosed symptoms left her lying alone at home after collapsing from a coronary illness. When the school bus brought brother and sister home from pre-K and second grade respectively, Clementine accepted her first adult responsibility by calling her father and then the emergency responders. She grew up quickly after that, not that the world noticed.

After her death, the remnants of the York family managed through their last relocation back to their parents’ original hometown, despite the fact that their father had no blood ties in the area. Their parents had met here while her mother attended college and her father was beginning his military career. While participating in an informational career fair in the student union, David saw Carrie, who had hoped to find an internship at the end of her freshman year.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

My Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Historical Fiction – Pam Portland

Jack and Clementine occupied plastic, folding chairs under the portable tarp that covered the simple grave site attempting to ignore the sideways gusts of rain the wind blew, which added wet misery directed towards them. < There is adjective overload in this sentence. It’s also quite a long sentence for readers to start with. Opening with shorter sentences can help the reader slowly digest what’s going on. Introducing too much in a single sentence (the characters, setting, weather, and mood) can be overwhelming. Master Sergeant David York’s death, while not unexpected, left the two teenagers huddling against the rain and against the exasperating task of tackling adulthood immediately. < “Exasperating” makes me think of a teenager huffing and puffing over something insignificant. It doesn’t seem like a serious enough word here. Admittedly, Clementine had the advantage of years over Jack and having as well as a far better recollection of the process of burying a parent, The second half of this sentence doesn’t quite connect to the first well enough for me to feel that “yet” works here. > yet the assistance from the military family support network primarily covered the procedures, rather than the emotions of the day’s experience. While thankful for their presence and assistance during his final days, which she felt assured would end with this service, her appreciation measured insignificantly against her fear and uncertainty of the life now ahead of her and her brother. < You’re doing a lot of telling. Could you show how she feels based on her expressions, movement, behavior, etc.? She could grab her brother and hold him tight. She could bite her lip. She could struggle to look at the grave. There are lots and lots of ways to portray emotion here without just stating (telling) it.

My Overall Thoughts

There’s not much going on in this opening. After the first two lines, nothing is shown because nothing happens in the moment. There are lots and lots of books out there about orphaned teenagers. You’re not demonstrating what’s unique about this one.

Key Places to Improve:

Cut way down on the telling and info dumps. You can’t suck a reader into a story with information about the past. Readers get sucked into stories when they care about the characters, which means you have to show the characters doing, saying, thinking, or feeling something worth caring about.

More things should be happening “in the moment” of the scene than in the past. Check out this article about how much back story is too much. Work on hooking the reader into the story by showing what’s happening as Clementine and Jack attend the funeral. There is so much potential for strong emotion here and for showing their personality traits.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

The writing didn’t stand out as good or bad on a technical level. I didn’t find myself getting sucked into the story due to the info dumps and telling.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday Succeed! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

How to Critique Other Writers

The Value of Critiquing

Workshop #2: First Page Critique

July 7 – 13

How to Submit Your Novel Opening

What to Do After Receiving a Critique

How to Leave a Critique

Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!

My Participation

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Characters Who Sound the Same

How to Make Your Characters Sound Different

Dialogue Mistakes

“As you know, Bob…”

Stilted Speech

Cliche Dialogue

Homework: Strengthen Your Dialogue

Punctuating Dialogue

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Identifying Info Dumps

Why are Info Dumps Bad?

Are Info Dumps Ever Okay?

How to Avoid Info Dumps in the Setup

Homework: Cut Info Dumps from Your Setup

Step One: Does it Matter?

Step Two: How Much of it Matters?

Step Three: Can it be Shown in an Existing Scene?

Step Four: Create a Scene Around the Info

Step Five: Don’t be Lazy!

Last Resort: Get Creative!

If Back Story Takes Over Your Novel

Additional Resources

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Your Submission Package (An Analogy)

The First Page is Your Audition

The Partial/Full is the Callback

Setting the Wrong Tone

Dreams, Prologues, Flashbacks, and Other False Promises

“But what about my query letter or back cover blurb? Readers already know what my book is about!”

“But my novel gets better later!”

How to Create a Promise You can Keep

Homework Assignment

Additional Resources for a Killer Opening

Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants

What is Novel Boot Camp?

Novel Boot Camp

About First Page Friday

MG Horror/Adventure – Ryan

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

My Feedback

Critique Key

MG Horror/Adventure – Ryan

My Overall Thoughts

Key Places to Improve:

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2.5

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

About the Editor

***First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!***

Snag a Critique Partner on Monday June 23rd!

About First Page Friday

Crime Fiction / Thriller – Glenn

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

My Feedback

Critique Key

Crime Fiction / Thriller – Glenn

My Overall Thoughts

Key Places to Improve:

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

About the Editor

***First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!***

About First Page Friday

Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

My Feedback

Critique Key

Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix

First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!

First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!

First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!