First Page Friday #37: Historical Time Travel

***First Page Friday will be on hiatus from July 4th through August 1st for Novel Boot Camp. Weekly workshops and daily lectures will be held during the month instead. Please come by and participate!***

About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix

PRESENT – 1804 AD

6 / 15 / 1804

9:48 PM

Boulogne-sur-Mer, northern coast of France

Near the Tour d’Ordre ruins

 

CHAPTER 1

ARRIVAL

 

The surface of the pool frothed and exploded. Three men simultaneously arched out of the churning water gasping for air. Their arms flailed and hands touched. They instinctively recoiled from each other – there should have been no hands to touch… the pool was empty only a second ago.

Each man looked desperately at the other, half expecting to see body parts, but found only the faces of two other men staring back with the same shocked expression. Quickly they jumped to the side of the pool – now searching outward to see how close the fireball had hit, and if it was safe to get out. There was only one fire burning from a five foot crater about fifteen feet from the edge. Nothing else seemed awry close to the pool. As one, they all clambered to the edge blocks and got out of the water.

Bayard rolled onto his back, gasping, staring up at the night sky. A few fire trails twirled through the air in random directions. Whatever had happened down by the docks, the worst of it was over. He could hear the voices of men yelling in the distance and curses closer by.

George stood up as soon as he got out of the pool – and just as quickly sat down. Surveying the landscape around him, something was just… wrong! He knew the quality of the darkened sky wasn’t artificial like the eclipse would create. This was night darkness. In fact, now that he looked around, everything was wrong. The fence around the pool was gone. In fact, everything around the pool was gone! The fence, the lockers, the buildings close by. He felt his head for injuries, thinking he must have taken a piece of shrapnel.

Titus crouched, his head swiveling. Where did all these tents and men come from? He froze as soon as he saw the lighthouse ruins. Impossible! he thought. A single greek fireball could not have destroyed the lighthouse and left half the base intact without rubble from the bricks being strewn to the depth of a man for a league. He would be crushed, as would the other two men who apparently had also jumped in to avoid the fireball.

He examined the sky to see if the eclipse had passed – and his mind twisted on itself. He could tell instantly by the position of the stars that it was no longer late afternoon, but late evening! Looking quickly around, the… land… was changed! At his feet – the stones of the pool… had aged! The twisting of his mind now reached his stomach. Overwhelmed, Titus fell to his knees and vomited. He collapsed onto his side, the eyes rolling into the back of his head, his body convulsing wildly in the grass.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

 

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix

PRESENT – 1804 AD

6 / 15 / 1804

9:48 PM

Boulogne-sur-Mer, northern coast of France

Near the Tour d’Ordre ruins

 

CHAPTER 1

ARRIVAL

 

The surface of the pool frothed and exploded. < I’m not sure how the surface of water could explode. Is it a literal explosion (with fire) or just a big spray of water? Was the explosion coming from under the water or just on the surface?  Three men simultaneously arched out of the churning water gasping for air. < I’d lose the adverb to strengthen your prose. Their arms flailed and hands touched. They instinctively recoiled from each other – there should have been no hands to touch… the pool was empty only a second ago. < This confuses me. Weren’t the three men in the water a second ago? How could it have been empty if they were in it? Are you saying that none of the three men knew the other men were present?

Each man looked desperately at the other, half expecting to see body parts, < Why would they expect to see body parts if the pool was empty? but found only the faces of two other men staring back with the same shocked expression. Quickly they jumped to the side of the pool – now searching outward to see how close the fireball had hit, < I didn’t realize there was a fireball. Was that what caused the explosion in the water or is this a different issue altogether? and if it was safe to get out. There was only one fire burning from a five foot crater about fifteen feet from the edge. Nothing else seemed awry close to the pool. As one, they all clambered to the edge blocks and got out of the water. < “Edge blocks” surprised me. I was imagining this as a natural pool.

Bayard rolled onto his back, gasping, staring up at the night sky. A few fire trails twirled through the air in random directions. < I’m not sure what you mean by this. Fire is suspended in the air? Whatever had happened down by the docks, the worst of it was over. < What happened by the docks? I thought all this was happening around a pool?  He could hear the voices of men yelling in the distance and curses closer by.

George stood up as soon as he got out of the pool – and just as quickly sat down. Surveying the landscape around him, something was just… wrong! He knew the quality of the darkened sky wasn’t artificial like the eclipse would create.  < Are you implying that there was supposed to be an eclipse? This was night darkness. In fact, now that he looked around, everything was wrong. The fence around the pool was gone. In fact, everything around the pool was gone! The fence, the lockers, the buildings close by. He felt his head for injuries, thinking he must have taken a piece of shrapnel.

I don’t know how the novel progresses, but it might be a good idea to stick close to one of these men to give the reader time to form an attachment (rather than jumping to Titus in the next paragraph).

Titus crouched, his head swiveling. Where did all these tents and men come from? He froze as soon as he saw the lighthouse ruins. Impossible! he thought. A single greek fireball could not have destroyed the lighthouse and left half the base intact without rubble from the bricks being strewn to the depth of a man for a league. He would be crushed, as would the other two men who apparently had also jumped in to avoid the fireball.

He examined the sky to see if the eclipse had passed – and his mind twisted on itself. He could tell instantly by the position of the stars that it was no longer late afternoon, but late evening! Looking quickly around, the… land… was changed! At his feet – the stones of the pool… had aged! < How can he tell that the stones have aged? What has visually changed about them? The twisting of his mind now reached his stomach. Overwhelmed, Titus fell to his knees and vomited. He collapsed onto his side, the eyes rolling into the back of his head, his body convulsing wildly in the grass.

 

My Overall Thoughts

I found this opening a bit difficult to follow. I felt that the descriptions did not do an adequate job of explaining what was happening so I was continually adjusting how I was visualizing the scene.

Key Places to Improve:

  • I’m not sure how the novel progresses, but I’m wondering if starting this novel just a moment sooner would help with clarity. It would give you time to describe what the men were doing, that they saw a fireball, and that it was afternoon. That way, when things change, the reader understands that things have changed and can experience the confusion along with the men.
  • Watch out for adverbs. They weaken prose. I gave you a couple of free ones because I think they can be used effectively at times, however I would cut out as many as you can (even if it means rewriting/rewording sentences).
  • It may be a good idea to choose one of the men to primarily focus on so that you give the reader a point of connection. It’s a good idea to either give the reader a character to connect to or an idea to get excited about. Meaning, that I would either make it very clear what’s going on (even though the characters don’t know) or I would let the reader get very close to one of the characters so that they experience the confusion along with them.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

I had a hard time following  this. I wanted to either experience intrigue about the idea or concern for a character, but I found I spent most of the time trying to decipher what was going on.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

  • The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
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About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

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28 thoughts on “First Page Friday #37: Historical Time Travel

  1. Sue says:

    I agree with Ellen that the opening is very jumpy, but this does sound like exactly the sort of thing I would like to read.

  2. S. Coley says:

    The over all idea I found interesting but I did have to look up “the Tour d’Ordre ruins” in order to get some idea of were the scene was set, as I didn’t previously know it and I found the text to be lacking in any description, I would suggest maybe giving a slightly larger description of the scene ether before they brake trough the waters surface or just after.

    I found it very disorienting and a couple of words I didn’t understand like, is a Greek fireball the same as a normal fireball or are the Greeks sending them, I thought we were in France, over in catapults or something or maybe canons as there near the docs?

    I agree with Ellen that it maybe better to fist concentrate more on just one of the men thought we know the other two are there going though the same ordeal, as seeing the same thing from tree perspective at the same time all with no knowledge of what’s going on to me seem a little repetitive. Latter on you can introduce the other two a little better from third to main characters if that is there role.

    Good luck to all and don’t stop writing ^_^’

    • trazanacho says:

      Coley- as I describe below, the ruins are explained in the prologues. I also have created a map of the area to place in the front of the book so readers are aware of the location.

      As to Greek Fire – it was a specific type of fire projectile that couldn’t be doused with water invented by the Greeks and eventually used by the Romans.

      Sue – careful what you wish for… 😉 The dirty little secret here is I’m always looking for Beta readers and will send you the entire MSS at a moment’s notice just because you asked nicely. [what’s the smiley for evil grin??]

      Thanks for reading, kids!

      • S. Coley says:

        With a description before of the location I´m shore I wouldn’t of been so lost but like I said I did actually like the story. The fireball thing I was assuming was a type of fireball just with no pervious knowledge on it I found it unclear, so my point was just to remember not all of us will be as educated in the subject mater as you will be so do try to explain the specialist terms you use, one or tow unknown terms are ok but if the book is full of them then you’ll only hit a small market as the mainstream will have to do there homework first.

        I Must ad, this is only the opinion of one person and I give it to be helpful, if you find it not to be then pleas pass over it.

        Good luck to all and don’t stop writing ^_^”

        • trazanacho says:

          Coley – good point on the ‘fireball’ issue. As this is an historical novel set in the real world, there are lots of references to things that the average reader would not know [and, to be honest, probably not all that interested] . As an amatuer military historian, I found myself tempted more than once to drop references without explanations. Please rest assured that I have been very careful to explain things that NEED to be explained [the fireball being one – but it was in the prologue]. Thanks for the feedback!

      • Sue says:

        Returning late – happy to be a beta reader 🙂

        Have very quickly skimmed the other posts – agree prologues can be tricky. I remember sitting on David Eddings’ Belgariad series for several years after being given it – just because I’d looked at the prologue which was in “ye olde Englishe”, not flicked any further through and thought “meh, can’t be bothered to engage brain to read that”.

        • trazanacho says:

          Sue – thanks for the confirmation that seeing the word ‘Prologue’ really does turn some folks off. Certainly don’t want that to happen. Thanks for the offer to Beta read [I still haven’t figured out how to send PMs to anybody on this site, so I apologize to everyone for having to do my business out in public]. Just email me directly and I’ll be happy to send you as much as you can stand. 😉
          cehendrix@sbcglobal.net

  3. trazanacho says:

    Darn – I think I miscalculated in trying to decide which ‘first’ 500 words to submit. There are three separate ‘prologues’ [one for each of the characters] that run about 1400 words each. Since each are similar [allowing for the differences in time – 44AD/1084/1914], and establish the characters, I decided to check the ‘first’ chapter and the first 500 words seemed a great ‘complete’ scene, and I decided to go with that.

    Looking over your rules for submission, Ellen, I didn’t see any leeway for adding a few sentences of introduction for prologues [especially 3 prologues that are going to run 4200 words[!] long], so I decided just to present chapter 1 alone. If I had decided to encapsulate the gist of the prologues [which would have explained the setup for ch 1], would that have been acceptable, assuming I counted all the words of the summary towards the 500 limit?

    For those wondering – the Tour d’Ordre ruins are of a magnificent lighthouse built by Roman Emperor Caligula in 42AD on the northern coast of France [nothing remains except the foundation], just outside the port city of Boulogne-sur-Mer.

    In each of the character’s time, there was an eclipse punctuated with an explosion at the docks and fireballs of ordinance raining all over the area. Each of the characters had slipped into the hot springs [which the Romans had surrounded with marble to convert it into a bath]. With a fireball heading directly at them, they all ducked under the water and… well, you get the setup now.

    Ellen – please feel free to use me as an example of how to/how not to submit ‘first’ chapter where prologues are involved [I hadn’t noticed any in the previous submissions].

    Question – do you still think ‘exploded’ is inappropriate for the guys popping out of the water? I’m at a loss to think of a more appropriate word.

    Thanks for the tip on the adjectives. I’m going to try cutting them and see how it changes the narrative. I’ve been suspicious that I lean too heavily on them, and I trust your advice [duh!]. Thanks so much for the honest critique!

    • Ellen_Brock says:

      Sorry for any confusion about the submission requirements. The purpose is to submit the first page, regardless of whether that first page is in the first chapter or a prologue. I assumed what you sent was the first page of the novel.

      I think “exploded” in this context could be misleading, but I would have to know how the prologue was worded to be sure.

      I’m glad some of my edits helped!

    • Silvie Monk says:

      3 prologues? I tend to skim prologues or not read them at all, because prologues tend to be information dumps. I think there are a lot of people like me. Instead of a prologue, it might be better to introduce needed information in the meat of the book. As Elmore Leonard advises: don’t bother writing the parts people tend to skip.

      I, like others, found the opening confusing.

      • trazanacho says:

        Silvie – I understand your point exactly and completely agree with it. I myself [reading lots of historical stuff], don’t have a problem with prologues, but I understand the distinction in fiction readers – completely different audience.

        I’d be very interested in your opinion of my approach. The reason I did three prologues was to introduce each of the characters from their perspective times before they all wind up in the same spot at the same moment [which is where chapter 1 begins that I submitted]. They are not info dumps at all, but more properly character sketches. Instead of PROLOGUE 1, 2, etc, I should probably title them something else.

        Suggestions for replacing the word PROLOGUE will be cheerfully accepted! 🙂

        As I mentioned, I wrestled with which to go with and in hindsight, SHOULD have asked Ellen ahead of time. My bad. If anyone would like to discuss this offline, you can reach me directly at:

        cehendrix@sbcglobal.net

        I don’t mind if my email is out there [it’s out there everywhere already], and I don’t want to monopolize Ellen’s blog – though it is darn hard for me not to respond! :-).

          • trazanacho says:

            Thank you Miss Ellen. This is why I came here in the first place – your Blog is not just a ‘blog’, it’s an INTERACTIVE blog where everybody is encouraged to state their opinions, and back and forth is allowed. I spent a year on another ‘writing website’ where the only back-and-forth happened if you directly emailed someone. While I had some interesting discussions with a few folks, I found it frustrating not being able to share within the context of the group.

            Your setup here is fresh and out of the box. I know I don’t speak solely for myself when I say THANK YOU for providing a forum for writers starving for feedback. You’re the best kept secret in the writing world.

  4. connie says:

    I got the concept right away. I realized this was a catacalismic- hope I spelled that correctly-event that brought three men from a differant time period together. I found it interesting. I agree with Ellen, less is more as far as adverbs go, but other than that, rock on!

    • trazanacho says:

      Connie- rock yourself! Who doesn’t live for this stuff?

      BTW – it’s cataclysmic. You were right on in your thinking – write on! 🙂

  5. Kelly says:

    Hi Chester. What about ‘erupted’ instead of ‘exploded’? I agree with the above comments in that you should pick one of the three and stick with them through this scene. In paragraph two you’ve given all three the same thoughts, emotions and actions, which seems unlikely. I note that unless it is a shallow pool it also implies they can all swim which again seems unlikely if they are all from the distant past.
    Also, I’m not fond of the use of the word ‘artificial’ for describing the eclipse. Eclipses are natural. I guess what you mean is that is not a normal sort of darkness (which I’ll take you word for, I’ve never witnessed one) but I think a better word for it should be here.

    • trazanacho says:

      Kelly – you get a Gold Star! Erupted sounds perfect!

      The pool itself is maybe 15 feet across. It was a mud pool hot spring that the Romans turned into a small, personal, marble-lined proper bath [that has survived the centuries]. Hence the weirdness of finding anybody else there – they’d have noticed if they had company.

      ‘Artificial’ may be too hard a word, but ‘surreal’ felt pretentious. I have been in eclipses and the light DOES have an ‘artificial’ feel to it. It’s weird. It only lasts a few minutes, but the right kind can be bizarre – almost as if the Gods were fooling with the cosmic light switch – it’s not any wonder the ancients kept track of them. That said – I’m open. I got more Gold Stars. 😉

      Your other comment regarding POV is something I’ve been hesitating to bring up – now’s as good a time as any. When I was on the other website, I received critiques that ran about 2-1 in favor of my approach. I had no idea at the time what ‘head-hopping’ or ‘omniscient’ even was. Since coming here, I’ve read tons about it and I’ll be the first to admit I don’t think I get it worth a darn. I did hear enough about it on the other site that I finally put together a ‘mission statement’ [for want of a better term] with the help of a nice editor lady that I would send to anyone who had a problem with the prose – asking them if their opinion changed once they knew where I was coming from and why I was doing it. To my surprise, most did. I’ve been holding this back [especially after reading Ellen’s attempts to beat the difference into our brains], but maybe now would be the right time. Here’s what I sent:

      While not knowing it had a name, I’ve since become informed I’m using the ‘OMNISCIENT POV’. Specifically [I’ve been told] it’s ‘3rd Person Omniscient’ and jumps quickly from character to character. There are many reasons for this which are not apparent in small doses, but they DO make the 260K novel cohesive when taken as a whole.

      I’ve addressed this – here’s my take: I’m doing it intentionally. I’m glad many readers find it ‘jarring’ – it’s supposed to be. The story is told from the POV of EACH character, not just one. Writing it this way gives me the opportunity to present a better sense of what EACH character is feeling rather than seeing the story from the POV of just one, leaving the reader to wonder how the other two guys are dealing with things. It allows for more perspectives and introduces an element of ‘what’s going on’ in the reader. I WANT this reaction so that the reader will connect with the characters on a more visceral level – because that’s EXACTLY how the characters are dealing with their ‘new world’.

      This isn’t a classic time travel novel in the sense that the travellers have some vague idea of what is happening even if they don’t understand the mechanics. None of these guys are even familiar with the concept of time travel. To expect them to have an inkling of what is going on seems ‘deus ex machina’ to me.

      To mitigate this, I include the name of each character in each paragraph so that the reader knows EXACTLY ‘who’s mind am I in right now?’. For a published use of this narrative style, I was directed to Kate Wilhelm. Apparently she switches heads in the middle of a sentence sometimes, and [I’ve been told] she rocks. Then again, she’s famous and I’m nobody so she can get away with it and I may not.

      -that’s it. In retrospect, having read Ellen’s comments on it, I do get that there should be ‘breaks’ of some sort, but paragraph breaks was the best I was able to do [I did get that idea even when I was writing]. It just felt ‘NATURAL’!

      I did mention earlier that I felt weird at the end when I realized everybody’s dialogue sounded exactly the same, and reading Ellen state that’s the way it should be helped, but I have this little piece in the back of my brain that says I’m probably misinterpreting it. 😦

      Bottom line is – y’all better watch out! It seems I need to work REALLY hard to win one of those free edits in Boot Camp next month! I’m starting my push ups early! 😉

  6. Pam Portland says:

    Hello again, Traz! My historical fiction (posted a few weeks ago) is also a time-travel historic piece that bounces between 2021 and 1805-6. If you are in the Novel Boot Camp, I’d love to team up during the Meet & Greet on the 23rd. I could certainly use a similar perspective as I write.

    I too have a prologue that I did NOT submit as my first 500 words. In truth, I have not written it because I want it to be the last thing I write and then I hope it will set the tone for the first major edit. Unlike the rest of the work, it will be a first person account of the climax of the story, like a journal entry written about the events by the main character.

    Did you have a tough time trying to decide how to write the “arrival?” How freaked out is/are the traveler(s)? How much control does the traveler(s) have over the movement between their time and the time in which they arrive? Anyway, I look forward to the continuing story in France.

    Pam

    • trazanacho says:

      Pam – I’ll be there. My personal email is above, please feel free to contact me ahead of time.

      I’m very exited that you placed some of your adventures in 1805-6. When I researched the time period, half my writing was done for me there was so much going on. It was great!

      Glad to hear I’m not the only one that wrestled with the ‘Prologue’ issue [hey kids, still a Gold Star waiting for someone to suggest a better word than ‘prologue’!]. My ‘prologues’ consist of 3 pieces about 1400 words each that introduce the three characters. One in 44AD, one in 1804, and one in 1914 – each are similar, happen in exactly the same locale [which is how they all wind up in the pool], but each are ‘character sketches’ of the three guys to help you invest in the protagonists. Your approach will be completely different, and here is a little advice-

      Don’t title it as a ‘prologue’ or anything else. Make the title ‘From the Diary of John Smith’, then launch into Chapter 1. I’ve seen this approach work well before. It draws us into the character because we get to read his personal writings. It’s an intimate hook that – if done well – will get your readers wanting the story and won’t mind the diary entry at all.

      ‘ARRIVAL’ wasn’t difficult. Nothing about this omnibus was difficult – it was like talking and then I couldn’t shut up. It just flowed out of me like nobody’s business. Most fun I’ve had in years. But editing? Oh my freaking gosh! You go back and realize you used the word ‘look’ 4 times in a paragraph! Yikes!

      I meant for ARRIVAL to slap you in the face – just as the boys were slapped. They have absolutely NO control over ANYTHING. No idea what happened, why – nor how even to reverse it. As I mentioned above – none of these guys have ever even heard of the concept of time travel [at one point, I have Titus reason to himself that the stories of the Gods his mom told him as a kid were true and that the Gods were having fun with him – nothing to do but go along for the ride – and then he’s good with it].

      The interesting part in all this is putting your self-edited pieces out in public for everybody to look at. You want the feedback so bad – then you have to wait for the reviews. It’s a little of what I imagine a Broadway actor feels after opening night waiting for the morning paper.

      Thanks for the support!

      • S. Coley says:

        I cannot think of a word for the replacement of “prologue” but maybe you could just put the date of the year, it will show that it is going to tell you something of that time period that will probably be connected to the other two time periods in some way later on, or just the name of the character as it will be obvious it is a character information sheet of sorts.

        I was the one how suggested maybe doing that scene just from one POV but that was before I know of the “Prologues”, I think its fine to show simultaneously what each character is going throw but if you do so three times you need to reflect there individual personalities, for example one could be completely scared stiff wile another is confused trying to logically rationalize it and the last is in unbelief and denial, I do not know the personalities of your characters so you’d need to reflect theirs as these traits may not fit your characters. If you don’t managed to do so and decide to do it as just one POV it can be just as affective if the one you follow can see how the other two are reacting.

        In not telling you to do that scene in one POV as I also am following several characters at once in my novel but I may not focus on all aspects of every character in every scene as it is apparent the hole group are all there and the ones I’ve focused in on tell or react to what the others characters are doing, this is a tricky one I know I am trying to deal with it in my novel cuss you want to inform the reader of every character but some times it can make a scene to long as it isn’t really that important to the overall story, I often end up using dialog to solve this problem but then dialog brings its own problem 😉

        Good luck to all and don’t stop writing ^_^”

        • trazanacho says:

          Coley – so wise. I hear you telling me to take my own advice and simply don’t label the prologues at all… hmmmm… Ellen’s always telling us to take out anything that isn’t necessary, and ‘Prologue’ titles certainly aren’t necessary. Solves that problem – Gold Star for you! 😉

          This may sound silly, but I’ve written my novel as if it were a movie [that’s how I’ve envisioned it in my head] – you may try looking at yours through that lens to see if it might help you to walk through the difficult parts. As I said above, my novel flowed like a busted water main – I couldn’t shut it off until I got to the end.

  7. S. Coley says:

    Hey Traz, first things first
    I GOT A GOLD STAR! I GOT A GOLD STAR!

    Its great to hear your enthusiasms as it helps me to keep mine and continue working through those horrible scenes that just don’t wont to quite work.

    Good luck to all and don’t stop writing ^_^”

  8. Penumbra says:

    Maybe it’s just me, but I understood what was going on from the beginning. The part I had difficulty reading, were the short sentences, it read choppy to me. And possibly adding in a bit more info. Also like you mentioned Ellen, I would have stuck with one character instead of the head-hopping. I’m not a fan of head-hopping.

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