Logan’s Run: Brood Clones

The window of opportunity with Francis hot on the trail was closing fast for Jessica and Logan to really get out ahead of Francis. Francis didn’t have to fight Box, he just tracked Logan and Jessica’s path of destruction into the ice caverns and dug himself out from the rubble being practically unscathed from the following debris at the biggest exit near the mouth of the ice caves. Nine hours earlier Logan and Jessica at that same spot drank in their first sight of earths now two Suns and gazed humbly upward as they were transfixed upon them. Jupiter had been ignited at long last by a partial collision with a wandering iron planet-like brown star. So fortunately for all, this new protostar was at a sufficient distance to not burn up Earth when ignited brilliantly. Thoughts of these two luminaries were overwhelming like a freight train running through their minds. “Hey! They are warm.”, said Jessica excitedly. “Outside, outside Logan do you smell this fragment air?, asked Jess. “Oh wow, and what wonders are these that keep us warm instead of freezing and chilled like in Box’s cave?” asked Logan. “I imagine the wonder of these glowing orbs that are keeping us warm are going to have us asking many questions about them and yes I know by that expression on your face you want us to still keep going.”, said Jess. Running alongside Logan traversing slightly from the mouth of Box’s caves along the eastward slope Jessica assures Logan, ” In this bigger dome Logan there will be so many lots of places to run and hide from any Sandman that might venture forth from the smaller domes.” “Oh yes, that is all solid good Jess, err do you keep moving please just until those orbs go a little father down perhaps if it continues to dim beyond that hill then we can rest there with the advantage of high ground. Logan knew he had to move his mind thoughts around or he would anxiety would start weighing in on him, bogging him down so he would lose his focus of assuring escape from his former best friend. Logan was highly motivated to evade his former friend who better to know of his training tactics and execution style. Logan’s core self had been vacant though he would not let himself become a casualty to fear, doubt or self pity as he had seen it many times before in those he tracked in the domes. Runners would eventually be paralyzed with fear soon to be dead in their tracks distracted by the littlest things when the pressure was on. These pitfalls witnessed by Logan, learned by Logan, made him hyper aware of this ultimate trap, the one of the mind, yet he did allow a rejoicing in the back of his mind. Logan thought, ” I’ll possibly find freedom in the storied Sanctuary!” All Sandman doctorines fled his mind in a race of attaining more facts of lies about mother computer. Every step he took outside naggingly weighed in on Logan’s mind, pushing out the lies of his old Sandman life that he was fed. As he realized more and more just how wonderful outside was, the torment of outside became an opportunity to dare to dream of living a life past the age of 30 and was like a sleepless dream with his mind stripped raw from the truth now exposed. As they made it over the big hill the Suns disappeared and they noticed right away that they were getting cooler. Francis had made it out of the caves not six hours earlier and later had caught sight of Logan and Jessica just as they were rolling over the hilltop, but he had made a beeline for the grooves in the opposite direction earlier thinking Logan would’ve taken refuge there. A First mistake for Francis, ever! Now trapped in darkness Francis would willingly forgo his quarry to rest, spending the night in the dark groove, knowing it would be a waste of time to try getting out in the cover of this strange darkness. With approximately a six hour Headstart and knowing the groove would take 12 hours to get out of during the night and since Logan had also saw a black shadowy figure that could only be Francis head into the groove Logan rested under the oak trees on top of the hill. In each others arms contemplating their previous Lemming-like existences, never in their wildest dreams did they think they would be free of mother computer. As Jessica told Logan to look at his palm, she looked at hers showing each other their life Clocks which returned amazingly infant like clear. Their mutual elation went from loud laughter to all lips and arms hugging to show love and to keep each other warm as the unfamiliar chilled air bit at them. As the stars came out and the owls hooted, Logan’s head was hopefully spinning, surrounded by all the proof before him. Orbiting in the night sky there were two more new luminaries appearing now in the dark. The moon shone a waxing crescent with a small Moon of its own, really just a slow moving asteroid captured by the Moon’s gravity when it was kicked out from when Jupiter lit up during its recent “candle lighting event.” These two celestial bodies kept pulling Logan away from Jessica’s arms so he finally asked Jessica, “So what do you suppose those two diamond like things are doing with each other as they are shining up in that dark sky roof? ” transfixed in her stare ” I have no idea Logan, this is such a strange new world, I I just don’t know.” said a perplexed Jess. In reality they were looking at the asteroid orbiting the moon which was the Argos space station drilled out two centuries and a half earlier, built before the “Little War”. Argos was drilled into and bored out as first the new home of the human power elite, then later turned into “Sanctuary” during the nuclear holocaust, it is a marvle of man’s ingenuity to look at with regolith reflecting with a magnitudinal brightness of 16, four more than the moon itself. Jessica went limp as a rag doll into Logan’s chest, then soon too Logan had let himself exhaustively fall asleep Knowing he had a good 18 hours BeforeFrancis could get out of that Groove and get at them. Francis tired of resting slept in a big Treehollow having himself a nice nightmare where he was the prey of all the groove and was hunted by Sandman and run

4 thoughts on “Logan’s Run: Brood Clones

  1. Ash says:

    Hi, I love sci-fi! And there is definitely something tense happening. I’m just feeling too overwhelmed to continue reading once the dialogue kicks off. Here’s why:

    1) Four characters introduced in the first two sentences.
    2) Clunky/awkward wording and sentence structure.
    3) While I can tell there is something tense going on, I don’t really have any idea where to focus my attention. I don’t know anything about the world, these characters, or their current predicament, and it’s like you’re trying to throw it all at me at once. You might consider starting sooner, and easing the reader into your world.

    Just my two cents, of course. Good luck!

  2. Brett Mumford says:

    I am a fan of sci-fi as well, but I had problems reading this too. Fortunately I have seen the movie Logan’s Run and understand the context you are providing. Unfortunately, the wording you use and formatting of the text makes for extremely difficult reading.
    You use the word ‘doctorines’ when I think you mean ‘doctrines’. That is a sample of the small grammar issues that add up to making the text difficult to follow. If I was not familiar with the story, I would have been hard pressed to understand what was happening.

    It has been a while since I last saw that movie, but this scene is very similar to the final scenes in the movie, is that intentional? I would expect you to start with after they had successfully escaped, and had killed his old friend.

  3. Duncan says:

    You used the word “Francis” three times in the space of two sentences. There are quite a few other example of clunky sentences and some sentences that seem to run to far that they want to escape. My advice is to utilise the comma, after all it is there to help both you and the reader, sometimes the sentence needs to pause without the use of a full stop.

    Your dialogue also feels unnatural. Try and say the things you have written in dialogue aloud to yourself and consider whether it sounds like normal speech.

    Would I Read On?
    I would not.

  4. Josen Llave says:

    I’m sorry, but it was difficult to read this opening. Paragraph separations would help understand the breaks between things. Also, the descriptions, although vivid, will drive the reader away from what’s really happening, which is the main focus of your protagonist.

    World building is really tough for sci-fi, because the details are just as important. But for the opening of a novel, the main character needs to be the main focus. In addition to your main character’s dialogue, there are info dumps that a person wouldn’t normally say, even though the information is important. For the narrative, I’m guessing you’re using third person intimate because the descriptions appear to be described from the protagonist’s view.

    What is the protagonist’s external and internal goals? Write around that as your first 1,000 words. That would keep the reader invested. With that goal in the protagonist’s mind, write how he would see the world around him. More showing than telling, using the protagonist’s voice.

    This opening reminds me of one of my earlier works. It took me a while to practice showing than telling, and writing through the protagonist’s eyes. Then it took me a while to prevent over-world-building in the first couple of pages while effectively trying to paint the world for the reader, which I’m still working on now if you look at my reviews. It’s tough, but I’m sure you’ll definitely get there. Please keep working on your novel and craft and keep your head up. In due time you’ll get this in great shape.

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