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About First Page Friday
First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!
Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix
PRESENT – 1804 AD
6 / 15 / 1804
9:48 PM
Boulogne-sur-Mer, northern coast of France
Near the Tour d’Ordre ruins
CHAPTER 1
ARRIVAL
The surface of the pool frothed and exploded. Three men simultaneously arched out of the churning water gasping for air. Their arms flailed and hands touched. They instinctively recoiled from each other – there should have been no hands to touch… the pool was empty only a second ago.
Each man looked desperately at the other, half expecting to see body parts, but found only the faces of two other men staring back with the same shocked expression. Quickly they jumped to the side of the pool – now searching outward to see how close the fireball had hit, and if it was safe to get out. There was only one fire burning from a five foot crater about fifteen feet from the edge. Nothing else seemed awry close to the pool. As one, they all clambered to the edge blocks and got out of the water.
Bayard rolled onto his back, gasping, staring up at the night sky. A few fire trails twirled through the air in random directions. Whatever had happened down by the docks, the worst of it was over. He could hear the voices of men yelling in the distance and curses closer by.
George stood up as soon as he got out of the pool – and just as quickly sat down. Surveying the landscape around him, something was just… wrong! He knew the quality of the darkened sky wasn’t artificial like the eclipse would create. This was night darkness. In fact, now that he looked around, everything was wrong. The fence around the pool was gone. In fact, everything around the pool was gone! The fence, the lockers, the buildings close by. He felt his head for injuries, thinking he must have taken a piece of shrapnel.
Titus crouched, his head swiveling. Where did all these tents and men come from? He froze as soon as he saw the lighthouse ruins. Impossible! he thought. A single greek fireball could not have destroyed the lighthouse and left half the base intact without rubble from the bricks being strewn to the depth of a man for a league. He would be crushed, as would the other two men who apparently had also jumped in to avoid the fireball.
He examined the sky to see if the eclipse had passed – and his mind twisted on itself. He could tell instantly by the position of the stars that it was no longer late afternoon, but late evening! Looking quickly around, the… land… was changed! At his feet – the stones of the pool… had aged! The twisting of his mind now reached his stomach. Overwhelmed, Titus fell to his knees and vomited. He collapsed onto his side, the eyes rolling into the back of his head, his body convulsing wildly in the grass.
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.
My Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue is my comments.
Orange is highlighting.
Historical Time Travel – Chester Hendrix
PRESENT – 1804 AD
6 / 15 / 1804
9:48 PM
Boulogne-sur-Mer, northern coast of France
Near the Tour d’Ordre ruins
CHAPTER 1
ARRIVAL
The surface of the pool frothed and exploded. < I’m not sure how the surface of water could explode. Is it a literal explosion (with fire) or just a big spray of water? Was the explosion coming from under the water or just on the surface? Three men simultaneously arched out of the churning water gasping for air. < I’d lose the adverb to strengthen your prose. Their arms flailed and hands touched. They instinctively recoiled from each other – there should have been no hands to touch… the pool was empty only a second ago. < This confuses me. Weren’t the three men in the water a second ago? How could it have been empty if they were in it? Are you saying that none of the three men knew the other men were present?
Each man looked desperately at the other, half expecting to see body parts, < Why would they expect to see body parts if the pool was empty? but found only the faces of two other men staring back with the same shocked expression. Quickly they jumped to the side of the pool – now searching outward to see how close the fireball had hit, < I didn’t realize there was a fireball. Was that what caused the explosion in the water or is this a different issue altogether? and if it was safe to get out. There was only one fire burning from a five foot crater about fifteen feet from the edge. Nothing else seemed awry close to the pool. As one, they all clambered to the edge blocks and got out of the water. < “Edge blocks” surprised me. I was imagining this as a natural pool.
Bayard rolled onto his back, gasping, staring up at the night sky. A few fire trails twirled through the air in random directions. < I’m not sure what you mean by this. Fire is suspended in the air? Whatever had happened down by the docks, the worst of it was over. < What happened by the docks? I thought all this was happening around a pool? He could hear the voices of men yelling in the distance and curses closer by.
George stood up as soon as he got out of the pool – and just as quickly sat down. Surveying the landscape around him, something was just… wrong! He knew the quality of the darkened sky wasn’t artificial like the eclipse would create. < Are you implying that there was supposed to be an eclipse? This was night darkness. In fact, now that he looked around, everything was wrong. The fence around the pool was gone. In fact, everything around the pool was gone! The fence, the lockers, the buildings close by. He felt his head for injuries, thinking he must have taken a piece of shrapnel.
I don’t know how the novel progresses, but it might be a good idea to stick close to one of these men to give the reader time to form an attachment (rather than jumping to Titus in the next paragraph).
Titus crouched, his head swiveling. Where did all these tents and men come from? He froze as soon as he saw the lighthouse ruins. Impossible! he thought. A single greek fireball could not have destroyed the lighthouse and left half the base intact without rubble from the bricks being strewn to the depth of a man for a league. He would be crushed, as would the other two men who apparently had also jumped in to avoid the fireball.
He examined the sky to see if the eclipse had passed – and his mind twisted on itself. He could tell instantly by the position of the stars that it was no longer late afternoon, but late evening! Looking quickly around, the… land… was changed! At his feet – the stones of the pool… had aged! < How can he tell that the stones have aged? What has visually changed about them? The twisting of his mind now reached his stomach. Overwhelmed, Titus fell to his knees and vomited. He collapsed onto his side, the eyes rolling into the back of his head, his body convulsing wildly in the grass.
My Overall Thoughts
I found this opening a bit difficult to follow. I felt that the descriptions did not do an adequate job of explaining what was happening so I was continually adjusting how I was visualizing the scene.
Key Places to Improve:
- I’m not sure how the novel progresses, but I’m wondering if starting this novel just a moment sooner would help with clarity. It would give you time to describe what the men were doing, that they saw a fireball, and that it was afternoon. That way, when things change, the reader understands that things have changed and can experience the confusion along with the men.
- Watch out for adverbs. They weaken prose. I gave you a couple of free ones because I think they can be used effectively at times, however I would cut out as many as you can (even if it means rewriting/rewording sentences).
- It may be a good idea to choose one of the men to primarily focus on so that you give the reader a point of connection. It’s a good idea to either give the reader a character to connect to or an idea to get excited about. Meaning, that I would either make it very clear what’s going on (even though the characters don’t know) or I would let the reader get very close to one of the characters so that they experience the confusion along with them.
The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2
I had a hard time following this. I wanted to either experience intrigue about the idea or concern for a character, but I found I spent most of the time trying to decipher what was going on.
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)
***Please read this entire section before submitting***
Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.
Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).
To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:
- The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
- The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
- Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)
Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]
If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!
If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]
If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.
I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.
I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!
***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***
About the Editor
Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.
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