A Witch’s Luck

Mark watched Isis hurry off. He had enjoyed this new gig, following the girl and relaying private information to his new boss, but he had been promised a trophy. He could never get the friends alone long enough to swoop in and he was growing frustrated. He was not a patient man and if he had to wait much longer, well, his boss wouldn’t be happy.
Mark looked at his watch and became annoyed. He had been at this fucking party for two hours with no luck. As soon as he had gotten a good angle on Isis and her boy toy, she had freaked and ran off. Mark scanned the party. Not seeing his brother, Mark snuck outside for fresh air.
Mark leaned against the stair railings and lit a cigarette. A drunk couple stumbled out of the hotel and leaned against the columns making out sloppily. Mark grimaced and turned towards the parking lot. A woman stumbled on her blue high heels obviously intoxicated. Her long dreads swayed as she walked and her matching blue dress rode higher on her dark thighs.
Mark’s heartbeat quickened. She would do. Mark stubbed out his cigarette and walked towards the parking lot. Mark weaved between cars, making sure that he was unseen. He sniffed, marking her as a werefox.
The woman rummaged through her purse for her keys and finding them, pressed the unlock button. Three rows down and to his right, a red cadillac’s tail lights flashed. Still crouched, Mark walked to the cadillac and shimmied underneath it. He pulled a small transmitter device from his coat pocket and placed it underneath the car.
Mark crawled from underneath the car, but stayed crouched by the driver side door, pretending to search the ground. The werefox woman walked up to her car and jumped, placing a hand over her heart. Mark stood.
“I’m so sorry ma’am, I didn’t mean to frighten you.” Mark flashed the woman a smile.
She giggled. “It’s okay. I just didn’t see you there. Did you drop something?”
“I was looking for my keys actually.” Mark looked on the floor again. “I had to have dropped them over here.””
The werefox woman tilted her head. “Did you check your jacket pocket? I can hear jingling.”
Mark patted his pocket making them jingle. He laughed and pulled his keys out.
“This is so embarrassing.”
“No worries. We’ve all been there.”
Mark and the woman stared at each other. She blushed and looked away and Mark boyishly ran his hands through his dark blonde hair.
The woman took a step forward. “I should be going.”
“Right.” Mark reached out his hand. “I’m Mark.”
Mark held her hand for several seconds too long, maintaining eye contact.
“Thank you.”
Tina pulled her hand back, her smile faltering. She nodded and Mark stepped aside. Tina got into her car and drove away quickly. Mark reached inside his pocket to pull out his cell phone. He opened his navigation app and watched the small dot move down the road.Mark drove slowly passed a house on a secluded street. His gps tracker had brought him here and he saw the red cadillac parked in the driveway. Lights were on in the living room and a dark shadow walked passed the window. Mark continued to drive down the block, turning down several streets. He pulled in front of a house three blocks away and killed the engine.

Mark reached into the backseat of his charger and pulled out a large black duffle bag. He placed it on his passenger seat and unzipped it, revealing a plethora of knives and guns. Mark rummaged inside, finding a smaller bag. He removed the and pulled out three serrated knives and one curved knife. He held the curved knife up to the light of the streetlamp and rubbed his thumb down its blade. He shuddered and placed it in the bag with the others.
Keeping to the shadows, Mark made his way down the street. The bushes camouflaged him as he stalked. Two blocks from Tina’s house, Mark pulled out a small can from his bag and sprayed himself. It was a specialty formula he had created to help mask his smell. Werefoxes in particular were known for their keen senses and he had to make sure that this one did not detect him.
Mark’s heart beat faster the closer he got. It had been too long since the last one. He tried to obey his brothers wishes, but the hunger had grown too large to be ignored. Mark shook his head. It had always been this way as far back as he could remember. As a werewolf he was expected to hunt small prey, but his aunt had grown uneasy with the amount of small animals he brought home. She wanted to put him in a home and at first, the Alpha wouldn’t allow it.
Then at the age of 10, Mark was found with the girl next door. She was tied up and bloodied, stuffed into an old freezer left in the barn. Mark cried and screamed, begging them not to let her go, not to send him away, but in the end, the pack had no choice. Mark was sent to a home for the emotionally disturbed, forgotten, until he was released at the age of 18.
Ron, the only person to visit or write to him, picked him up that day and took him home. Ron fed and clothed him and when Mark started being out late, not coming home for several days, Ron turned a blind eye. Ron even helped clean up the mess from time to time. Mark was truly grateful for his brothers protection, but he had to hunt.
Mark stopped in front of Tina’s house. The lights had gone out in the living room, but a small light glowed from a window in the back of the house. She was probably getting ready for bed, maybe showering. Mark’s mouth watered.

8 thoughts on “A Witch’s Luck

  1. Nicole L Ochoa says:

    Interesting read. I definitely am curious as to how this is going to pan out, nice writing. The only thing I would suggest is dropping the f-bomb from the opening, it detracts from your writing. Nice work.

  2. Ellen M. says:

    I enjoyed the story. It’s an easy read and the pacing is good.
    A couple of things that I need clarification about: 1. In the first paragraph you write about how he couldn’t get the friends alone long enough to swoop in. I didn’t understand what you meant.
    2. I’m not sure why he shuddered when he examined the knife. If he carried weapons, he wouldn’t shudder. Some other reaction might be more appropriate.
    For the most part, you kept my attention and I’m easily distracted. Good job. Keep writing.

    • Tayci says:

      Thank you. I meant shivered instead of shuddered like he was turned on by it.

      This was originally in the middle of the book, but I thought starting off with the murder would be best. I didn’t change it yet so I will definitely do that.

  3. johnsonofdaw says:

    Ugh – good smooth writing except for points made above. I’d drop the name Isis too (I presume it wasn’t deliberately used to conjure the Islamic State) – no matter how fantastic your story’s world, a few things in the real world will intrude, and that is one of them.

    Your writing is professional enough to let me know right away that it’s not for me – but my guess is there is a big market for it.

    • Tayci says:

      Thank you. Isis is the name of an Egyptian goddess as her whole family is named after Egyptian goddesses. I will think about the name.

  4. kerrikeberly says:

    1. The title seems out of place, especially if the MC is a werewolf.
    2. Don’t be afraid to use a mix of sentence structure. Short, active-voice sentences do not constitute action (which you have plenty of, good job) and can get repetitive very quickly. It’s forcing you to use either “Mark” or “He” at the beginning of every sentence.
    3. How big is Mark? Could he really have room to shimmy underneath a car, dig around in his pocket and plant a device on the underside of a car then pop out on the other side like no big deal?
    4. It’s not believable that a woman, even intoxicated, would be that calm if a stranger suddenly appeared on the other side of her car in a parking lot at night. If she’s a werefox, known for their keen senses, why was she not more afraid of Mark? Wouldn’t her innate instinct be telling her to run from the more dangerous predator? The can of masking spray could work as a solution to this if you introduce it earlier. However, being able to mask his scent with a can of chemicals seems like an easy out, a missed opportunity to come up with a cool new power or ability in the world you’ve created.
    5. Why the GPS device? He’s a werewolf. He’s born to hunt. GPS sort of seems like cheating.
    6. He’s a sadistic serial killer AND a werewolf? Why? Can he only sniff his prey out while in Were form? Is that why he has to turn to GPS and knives? Is he the protagonist or antagonist? I think Mark may need more character development.

    Overall, I think this could be a really cool story, but as it stands it did not hold my attention. I think there is just too much packed in too soon. Get us on board with who Mark is and what makes him tick. Let us know why we should be loving or hating him. Give us a clear understanding of the world he lives in. Hook us with the dilemma he faces. Don’t be afraid to focus on how it feels to be a werewolf surrounded by prey but banned from hunting in this first chapter. Start simple and add complexity as the story unfolds.

    • Tayci says:

      Thank you. I do appreciate all the comments as they make me see what I know and what others don’t and that I have to show that on the page.

      1. The MC isn’t a werewolf. He’s one of the POV, he’s the antagonist. The MC is Isis a witch.

      2. I have an issue with sentence structure, it’s something I’ll definitely work on.

      3. I’m thinking only his head and maybe chest is under the car, but I’ll make sure to describe that better.

      4. The whole community is intermixed and they just came back from a ball so she assumes he’s from there. He’s also very handsome which makes people react differently to him. Most people don’t shy away from those that are “attractive” until they give them a reason to.

      I can see the masking spray thing. Right now she has no reason to be afraid of him so that fear isn’t there.

      5. GPS because she’s driving and he has no idea how far. He may not catch her scent and he doesn’t want to wander all over the place to find her. I’ll put in a line about that.

      6. Yes he’s a serial killer and a werewolf. All of the characters in the story are supernatural creatures.

      I wanted to start off with a murder and this actually is from the middle of the book. I’ve had to fix the plot and rearrange stuff so this will go through revisions.

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