The very last week of Novel Boot Camp is upon us! I can hardly believe it!
I’ve been enjoying your questions on the previous workshop, so I will leave it open in case you have any more questions you want to ask the editor (me).
I also want to let everyone know that the contest results and winners will be posted this Friday. This means that this workshop will be open for two days after the winner has been selected.
Now that your novels are starting to look shinier, let’s look towards the future – a future in which you all seek publication! Let’s focus on our query letters and blurbs. If you aren’t quite to the querying stage yet, don’t worry. Writing out a practice query can be a great way to solidify the plot and catch structural errors.
Want to get a leg up? Here are my best tips for a successful query (they work on most blurbs too):
How to Write a Query Letter
There are six important elements of a query letter. When all six are present, you know you’re getting close to a winner!
Character
What is your character like? What are her good and bad personality traits? The query letter should lightly incorporate this information, but should nestle the info in active, interesting sentences.
Motivation
What does your character want? What motivates her? The query letter should clearly define what it is your character hopes to achieve.
Obstacles
What stands in the character’s way? Why can’t he get what he wants? The query letter should make the obstacle(s) in the path of the character clear.
Proaction
What does the character have to do to solve the problem? What is required of him or her? The query letter should explain how the character is proactive.
Stakes
What happens if the character fails? What will they lose? The query letter should use the story’s stakes to suck the reader into the tension of the conflict.
Tone
What is the tone of your novel? The query letter should mirror this tone so that the reader gets from the novel exactly what they would anticipate after reading the query.
Workshop #5: Query Letter & Blurb Critique
July 28 – August 3
(Winners chosen on August 1st)
How to Submit Your Query Letter or Blurb
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
The critique is open to both query letters and back cover blurbs (for those who are self publishing).
Each writer may post up to two times. This may be two versions of your query letter or blurb, two different query letters or blurbs, or one blurb and one query letter.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your query letter or blurb. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the query letter or blurb, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free Query Letter or Blurb Critique
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
12-year-old Fred Nellen thinks all his problems hang on one issue—he’s not named Bob like the other guys in his family. His brothers, Bob One and Bob Too, torment him. His dad, Big Bob, ignores him. His mom, who named him, babies him. Fred will do anything to identify with the Bobs—even if it means getting shocked in a homemade electric chair or used as a blocking dummy on the football field.
When a school assignment sends Fred digging into the family history, he stumbles upon a mystery. He’s always believed everything his parents said . . . but they’ve been misleading him. Palindrome-obsessed Big Bob isn’t who he claims to be. He’s a burned NSA agent with an assumed identity and determined enemy—triple agent Kim Lee Kuk.
After Big Bob disappears, Fred uses his wits to solve coded messages and find clues—and learns he’s got an even bigger problem: Kuk has escaped from prison and is bent on revenge. Fred needs to figure out who’s who and what’s up before his family is wiped out. In the final showdown, he also must decide whether to imitate the Bobs or follow his own conscience—and infuriate his father.
JUST FRED is a 36,000-word Middle Grade mystery that asks: Do we find our identity by identifying with others or by choosing who we want to be? It’s Wig in the Window meets Knucklehead.
This starts out as what seems like a light, goofy comedy for lower MG, but then “burned NSA agent” and “triple agent Kim Lee Kuk” come onto the scene and this suddenly seems very mature, more YA than MG. Make sure that the language reflects the tone and maturity level of the novel. I don’t know many kids who would know what an NSA agent is.
I like the title and the idea, but the tone is not clear to me. Is this funny or intense?
Thanks so much for weighing in Ellen. I’m honored:-) This is upper middle grade with some dark humor–kind of like I Have a Bad Feeling About This–but MG not YA. Here’s a question for anyone out there who’d like to weigh in. When you are writing a query letter for an MG audience, and there are elements which are explained in the course of the novel (such as what the NSA is/does) do you also need to explain that in the query letter? I haven’t been able to find an answer to that question either through query shark or Pete Knapp’s recent e-conference. I could also say CIA in the query letter…
Hi Shelly. Would definitely love to read more of your book. Perhaps I watched Jumping Jack Flash with Whoopi Goldberg one too many times, and I love the Alex Ryder series.
I am a fan of both humour and spy fiction, and have written a romantic comedy involving both, which I’ll be posting the query letter for later on. Would definitely love to read more of your book.
I agree with Ellen’s comment that starting with the Bob’s is funny and kind of indicates it’s middle grade, whereas the NSA says it’s aimed at an older audience. Perhaps you could rework this to indicate the maturity level first, here’s a suggestion:
When a school assignment starts 12 year old Fred Nellen digging into his family history, he stumbles upon a mystery. He’s always believed everything his parents said . . . like why his palindrome-obsessed father has named everyone in the family except him. Fred accidentally discovers his father is a former burned out CIA agent with an assumed identity and determined enemy—triple agent Kim Lee Kuk.
After Big Bob disappears, Fred, without the help of his tormenting brothers Bob-One and Bob-Two, uses his wits to solve coded messages and find clues—and learns he’s got an even bigger problem: Kuk has escaped from prison and is bent on revenge. Fred needs to figure out who’s who and what’s up before his family is wiped out. In the final showdown, he also must decide whether to imitate the Bobs or follow his own conscience—and infuriate his father.
Rae, thanks so much for your wonderful suggestions. I really appreciate all the time you took to leave a reply. And you are the second person to mention Alex Rider
Oops, accidentally hit the wrong button. Anyway, thank you, thank you, thank you again:-)
Genre: Contemporary fiction
Dear, (agent).
Old memories die hard. And bad ones die even harder.
While Derek may have his eyes (and hands) on many different women, only one has his heart—his longtime friend and stylist, Andrea. But to Andrea, Derek isn’t the kind of guy she wants to date…and refuses to. But one day, something comes over Andrea—the threat of another woman possibly stealing him away—and with jealousy in her heart she does something she (and Derek) never thought she’d do. Once they cross the line between friends and lovers, their relationship catapults to level of intimacy they both never expected. And when Derek’s estranged stepmother, Gloria, slips back into his life—after he agrees to babysit his thirteen-year-old stepbrother while Gloria takes a top-secret trip out of town—traumatic memories from his abusive childhood begin to haunt him all over again. Derek’s unwillingness to open up to Andrea becomes stronger than ever and drives her away…and into the bed of another man. In order to keep her around, Derek must choose—let go of the past and open his heart to love or stay trapped in his own trepidation. Derek loves the waves, but will he ever get over his fear of drowning?
TERRIFIED TO SWIM is a character-driven contemporary fiction novel that is told from Derek’s point-of-view as well as Gloria’s and is complete at 70,000 words.
Though this is my first novel, I am a freelance writer and editor…
Love the title! I’m wondering though how water fits into the story? Is he a surfer or something similar? I’d like to know how the title relates to the story. I also think this sounds like an interesting read! I’d remove the “and refuses to” since she does eventually start dating him. Also I’m wondering if we need the details about Gloria–her presence seems to be Derek’s inciting incident, but is watching the stepbrother an important detail?
Thanks for the feedback!
As for the title, there is no literal connection with water in the book. I just used it as a metaphor which I tried to hint at with this line:
Derek loves the waves (he loves Andrea) but will he ever get over his fear of drowning (his fear of getting his heart broken)
So it’s just used as a figurative reference. Do you think this is okay?
I agree with Shellysteig. I really like the water metaphor :), but right now it reads like you’re hinting that your character is some kind of surfer. Maybe if in the beginning there’s something that reads like
“Derek compares love to the ocean, constantly catching the next wave of women, and unwilling to tread water with anyone. That is until life-long friend Andrea…”
That’s just a quick example, but I hope it helps.
Thank you. It does 🙂
Sounds interesting. There seems to be a lot of sub plots going on. I wonder if there is enough time to introduce and resolve them all. My thought on the title has nothing to do with surfing but the idea of his fear of a “rocky relationship” and “learning to steer his course.” The whole “sink or swim.”
That’s awesome. I think you nailed it!
Dear (…),
The opposite of pain isn’t pleasure. It’s numbness.
Prostitutes don’t have to feel.
Kassandra hasn’t felt anything since she lost her adoptive mother—the only family she’s ever known—nearly ten years ago. But everything changes when the night’s client answers his door. She’s stunned, first by how unexpectedly beautiful Theo is and then by the Smith & Wesson he whips to her face.
After assuring that she hasn’t been sent to bait him by one of his many enemies, Theo explains to Kassandra that there are two assassins after the ex-crime lord he’s paid to protect—Santos. Before Kassandra can catch her breath, Theo throws her in his Range Rover, takes the nearest interstate over the century mark despite the rain and by the time he presses down on the brake pedal, he has her trying to decide if she’s terrified of him or excited by him.
Fierce and dangerous, Theo gives Kassandra no choice but to trust him as he does his best to evade and then hunt the identical twin stalkers in constant pursuit of them. Somewhere between being trailed on foot solo through a roaring Times Square to witnessing a man killed softly in a obscenely lavish hotel suite, Kassandra finds herself affected by this corrupt stranger, a man who has made her feel something she hasn’t felt since she was a lonely child—feeling.
A BEAUTIFUL NIGHTMARE is a romantic thriller complete at 72,000 words.
This is an interesting premise! I would recommend opening this query letter with “Kassandra hasn’t felt anything since…” I’d also take out unexpectedly. The Smith & Wesson is a nice detail. Also great lines in the middle paragraph. I know what’s at stake and can hear your voice.
Amber – I love your first opening two lines. I wouldn’t change them, though I also think opening with Kassandra…..would also work.
Ohh, exciting! Only feedback I have, is that you might consider “he whips into her face” or “he whips at her face” or something along those lines. “to her face” reads weird.
Dear (…),
Ivy is running the most intricate con of her career. But this one isn’t business. It’s personal.
She was supposed to turn the stranger into her next dupe. But Brooks’ smile stole every corrupt bone in her body and has her pretending to be a normal girl named Adrienne. The only problem is coming clean to the other two members of her squad, Lee and especially Milan, the one who formed their clandestine sorority.
So Ivy keeps him a secret.
Consumed in her fantasies of one day going legit, Ivy misses a detail in her next job and gets blackmailed by their target, Josh. He demands that she, Lee and Milan con a magnate he used to work for to get him a million dollars. Even this debt is not enough for Ivy to get a grip and focus on work. Nothing brings her back down to earth. Nothing until she realizes that the billionaire Josh is forcing them to scam is her secret lover, Brooks.
Unable to have both at once, Ivy will have to choose between her newfound romantic love and the profitable sisterhood she’s belonged to for almost a decade.
IF I FALL FOR YOU is a romantic thriller complete at 90,000 words.
I think there should be a ; between business and it’s personal.
And you should combine the two sentences that start with Nothing (take out the second nothing.
Also I would combine the first two sentences in the second paragraph.
Other than that, I think it sounds compelling and I would want to read more.
Dear (…),
“The concept is easy: we are born, we live, and we die. Now as my fate comes crashing down on me, I only find one true statement in this. We are all born.”
Immerse yourself into the enigmatic fable of Krista Delton. A twenty-three-year-old historian who, up until this point, has lived dormant in her seemingly mundane world, ingenuous to the fact that she is the missing chess piece in uniting ancient societies blessed with the gifts of earth’s elements.
Being adopted at a young age, Krista could never identify with her past, but when work sends her overseas on a coincidental assignment, she is thrown head first into her own twisted and magical lineage.
Unfortunately, Krista’s charmed descendants are blindly lead by a book which leaves even the most lucid puzzled and they only seek her as an apparatus. She quickly learns that there is another key to her riddled destiny, someone genetically made for her; however, the journey’s unforgiving nature soon tests her humanity when she unintentionally falls for the wrong suitor.
Krista’s birthright leaves her forced to choose between whom she’s grown to love or her predetermined destiny with a man she physically cannot resist in the rawest form. With both choices heading serious consequences and time against her, she must unravel her true purpose, but what she discovers spawns an unlikely shift in all of their fates.
THE BORN is a fantasy/romance novel complete at 71,000 words
Opening with a quote followed by “immerse yourself” comes across as pretentious to me, though I’m sure that’s not your intention.
“Blindly lead” should be “blindly led.”
I don’t know what you mean by “only seek her as an apparatus.”
I think perhaps you are trying to be too enigmatic and as a result are leaving the reader in the dark without enough knowledge to be intrigued.
I could not understand the plot after the first read-through, which is a good sign that the query isn’t clear enough. An agent/editor will not read twice to try to understand it.
Query writing seems to be as difficult as actually writing the novel! I’ve been pouring over query websites and conference notes and I do hear that you shouldn’t open the query with a quote. Agents do seem to want to get right to the heart of the matter without any preamble other than “Dear xxx, I’m querying you because…” I think I’d start with “Krista Delton, a twenty-three year old…” I’d also take out the “Being” and just go straight to “Adopted at a young age.” Also that’s the paragraph with the most meat. Maybe start there and condense most of the information in the preceding paragraph?
I agree with Shelly’s comments. Query letters are a confusing entity and I have found reading some of the queries posted that there is far more detail about the novel that in my humble opinion should come in the synopsis. Personally, I found writing the two page synopsis the hardest part of writing the novel, much harder than the query letter or editing. I am not seeing many Dear Agent, I am querying you because…., or including any biographical info, though Ellen commented on my facebook post about this that it could be left out. Also agree that the sentence should be ‘Adopted at a young age…’
Rae
Personally, (imagining myself as an agent), I don’t like the idea of starting with the quote either. I’d rather you get right to the point, to the action of the story.
Right now it reads more like a narrative blurb, then a query letter that tells me what the book is about.
I think you did a good job of including what the book is about, I think you should just revise it so that an agent can know immediately whether they are interested or not.
Hope this helps 🙂
First off, Thanks to everyone for your wonderful critiques. I just logged on and was thrilled to see the responses. Having multiple (honest) opinions is truly priceless in the industry. I’m happily going to revise this query based on them.
I’m actually in correspondence with an agent right now that is interested in my book, (luckily) she was very forgiving of my newbie query, and read the first 15 pages of my MS. The reason I’m mentioning this is because I think her feedback on queries could be helpful to everyone here 🙂 (Please note, this is just the opinion of one agent and (I think) it was pure luck that she chose to see past my bad query).
This agent looks for… an online presence.
Before I started querying, I made an author website and book trailer on youtube. I made sure that when I ended my query letter, the link to my website was under my name along with my contact information. (I believe this was a major factor in her asking for the next 50 pages of my MS as I found out later, it’s something this particular agent looks for).
Obviously, having a clean and polished MS and query letter will be the key to success. Ellen has laid those steps out and I know for me personally, it has helped so much, not to mention all the amazing people she has brought together.
Below, I’m going to post a link of an interview done with the agent interested in my book. I’m pasting the link because I very much respect Ellen rules and I’m not sure if my personal experience falls under misguiding anyone and her having to validate it. I can’t stress enough of how inexperienced I am (heck, look at my query sample).
Anyways, I hope this is helpful, I know it helped me.
http://romancemagicians.blogspot.ca/2012/11/agent-nikki-terpilowski-5-minute.html
Good luck with your agent who requested the partial. It’s interesting that she looks for an online presence. I think social media and the internet is a fact of every authors life, and I believe fiction agents generally see Twitter/Facebook/Author webistes as icing on the cake because there’s a built in audience who may or may not buy the book. However, I think you might be selling yourself short by saying the author request a partial based on your online presence. From my experience (which is not a lot!), agents only request if they are interested in your writing. IF they request your full and IF they take you on as a client and IF they find a publisher who wants to publish you, then the online stuff becomes relevant.
Someone recently said to me “A good query letter is the beginning of selling your book, not the end.”
Hope it all goes well and you get a request for a full. 🙂
I 100% agree that it will always come down to someone’s writing 🙂 I think making a website, FB page, book trailer’s ect… just shows the agent that you’re driven and know that promotion is a key part of selling your book. In this industry, every bit helps. I just thought it might also help someone else and wanted to share :). But again, having a tight query letter and MS will always be a persons best bet in getting an agent. If my book and writing wasn’t good, it wouldn’t matter how pretty my website was.
Thank you so much for your response and I hope to get a request for a full as well 🙂
Dear (…),
While flashbulbs and the sparkle of a gaudy ring blind the public to the unrest that simmers in the shadows, something else has caught Jaqueline’s eye.
Zachary Carter, the President’s oldest son, is a distraction all on his own. Mild fascination quickly turns into something more, a something more that Zachary pursues every chance he gets, but no matter how they feel about each other they can never be together.
Instead, she will marry Andrew Williams who is the next Secretary of State, a man she doesn’t really know. Her wedding has been turned into a public spectacle in hopes that the whispers of revolution are lost in the charade that would be her life. The plan moves along flawlessly until Jaqueline ends up with a broken arm, the direct result of her future husband.
Zachary, who just so happens to be the anonymous leader of the uprising promises to protect her from Andrew’s cruelty. Then things get complicated. Jaqueline ends up kidnapped by the man she is supposed to marry, but with help from Zachary’s allies she manages to escape. When the government publicly announces that Jaqueline has been killed by the traitorous rebels. Andrew’s tearful pleas go out and the nation weeps with him, crying for justice.
Hunted by her would be husband Jaqueline goes on the run with the man she is quickly falling in love with.
Rebellion is complete at 81,000 words. It is my first YA dystopia novel in a series. Thank you for your time and consideration.
“Zachary Carter, the President’s oldest son, is a distraction all on his own. Mild fascination quickly turns into something more, a something more that Zachary pursues every chance he gets, but no matter how they feel about each other they can never be together.”
I really like this bit.
And the end
“When the government publicly announces that Jaqueline has been killed by the traitorous rebels. Andrew’s tearful pleas go out and the nation weeps with him, crying for justice.
Hunted by her would be husband Jaqueline goes on the run with the man she is quickly falling in love with.”
But I feel you need to tighten the middle a little more.
Jaqueline is destined to marry the next Secretary of State, Andrew Williams. Her life must be sacrifice, a charade, with her wedding to be the public spectacle that quells the whispers of a revolution. Andrew, however, has a malicious streak, and when he breaks Jacqueline arm, she turns to the only man who can protect her from his cruelty.
As the anonymous leader of the revolution, Zac promises to help her. When Jaqueline is kidnapped by the man she was supposed to marry, Zac rallies his allies to help her escape. When the government announces that that Jaqueline has been killed …
To me, this feels a bit long for a query letter. The problem might be the same as the query above you; it’s more like a cover teaser than a ‘this is what you need to know’ query. I’d try to keep it concise and put lots of info into each sentence.
Hope this helps, if not, just ignore me.
You really got my attention with the news that the MC has to marry someone, who I assume is chosen for her. I think I’d get to that earlier in the query. I agree with Faraway Nearby that there might be too much detail. Also, there is a lot happening TO Jaqueline, but I don’t see what she’s doing–she just seems to be responding. Show her taking more action.
Thank you all for your help with this. I do not have a lot of experience with queries and even with all that I have read about how to write one, I’m still at a loss. LOL Thank you all again! I will definitely be working on my query today. 🙂
It almost sounds like you are cramming your plot in these few paragraphs. I would suggest making it shorter and more exciting. Use actions such as “Flashbulbs blinded Jaqueline” and hit the high points. I would be interesting to hear what makes Zachary intriguing at the beginning, and make it more dramatic for why he catches his eye. “In an attempt to free herself, she runs away with him” etc.
Genre: YA fantasy
Dear ( ),
If Crystal Duran could, she’d never leave the house. Her greatest fear is that someone will notice she’s not normal; her perfect beauty, that she sees, hears, and knows more than a human, and occasionally slips into a coma by accident. But her adoptive mother, Iris, wishes she socialized more, and to please her, Crystal enrolls in an embroidery workshop at the School of Lost Arts.
However, like her, the School isn’t all it seems, and Crystal has to face the fact that she’s Faerie. As she’s taught more about her magic, it becomes clear that even among Faerie, she’s far from normal, and that this makes her a target for those who want her race extinct.
Jade Avalon figures his life is pretty normal, aside from his plant obsession, but normalcy goes downhill after the arrival of the daughter of a family friend. When he and Jahhran go for a hike, they end up going through a portal into another world, Pangaea. They just want to return to Earth, but then they meet the Orrannai, a Faerie oracle gathering youth of different races to heal the world’s failing existence. And she wants them to help her.
Not everyone wants Pangaea fixed, though, and Jade is soon involved in something way more complicated than he planned on.
IMMORTAL’S GATE(?) is a multi-layered fantasy complete at (?), 000 words. It is the first half of a two-part series. Thank you for considering my novel.
This reads like two different books. Do their paths ever cross? What is the connection? Also the name of the “other world – Pangaea” or Pangea was a supercontinent that existed during the late Paleozoic and early Mesozoic eras. So I would consider using a different name to avoid any confusion.
Good luck… it sounds like you have a lot of great ideas.
That part is quite poorly thought out, I’ll admit.They meet at one point, and the Orrannai is Crystal’s teacher. I started the novel around when I learned about Pangaea in Science, so . . . yeah. My originality fails.
Thanks!
An Unwanted Present, told from the point of the view of the 10-year-old protagonist, Rosie, is the story of a family who adopt a blue heeler from a pet shelter, only to discover that instead of the well-mannered, house-trained pet they expected, they have instead adopted an unruly, but sweet natured puppy that disrupts the household.
Pepsi looked cute and innocent in her photo on the pet shelter website, but it doesn’t take the Parsons family long to discover why she had been abandoned as an unwanted present. Over the next few weeks, Rosie tries to train Pepsi – without much success and slowly Mum’s frustration levels rise. First Pepsi takes Rosie on a midnight romp through the neighbourhood, then she destroys Mum’s herb garden. Finally, when a soaking wet Pepsi prances through the house squeaking a rubber duckie, Mum reaches boiling point and calls a Family Meeting to determine Pepsi’s fate.
On the day of the Family Meeting, the Parsons arrive home to discover Granny has taken a tumble and spent the day on the floor. Pepsi has kept Granny company and even brought her a blanket so she could stay warm. Although it looks like Mum may finally be warming towards Pepsi, an unfortunate incident with the sausages occurs, right before the Family Meeting starts and Pepsi’s fate remains uncertain until the conclusion. This novel provides a realistic representation of the difficulties and exasperations facing a family new to dog ownership, and in particular the problem of relinquished pets.
MG – Family / Animal complete at 17,000 words
Faraway Nearby, Awwww, I love a puppy:-) The first thing that struck me other than how much I loved the theme, is that seems like a short word count for MG. Maybe it’s a chapter book?? I’d tighten things a bit. For example you say they adopted an unruly, but sweet natured pup. I don’t think you need “that disrupts the household.” I’d also take out that mum’s frustration levels rise. You show us that in the next few sentences. Also, I’d like to see Rosie featured more in this query. How does all this look through her eyes? What does she do in response?
Thankyou – I will have another play with it.
By MG I mean my target age is 8 -10, with some illustrations – looking at a bridging book , so more meat than a chapter book, but not as daunting as a full novel. 🙂
(Back Blurb)
Plagued by past mistakes in both love and life, Quinn Bardot is in a bad place. With nowhere else to turn, she escapes to LA clinging to the promise of a fresh start.
Chase Crowley is known for being selfish and unbelievably persistent. All he’s ever wanted is to become a successful actor. But now that he is about to have it all, he finds that something is still missing. Money and fame isn’t what he expected.
Suddenly the two of them are thrown into a situation that neither is prepared for. Can Quinn extinguish her fears and let Chase in? Can Chase learn to put someone else’s needs before his own?
The Last Thing is a novel all about love, Hollywood, and accepting what life throws at you even if it is the last thing you want.
I really liked your blurb as a whole. The only line that stood out for me as needing a little tinkering was
“Suddenly the two of them are thrown into a situation”
Robin, Gareth, and Isolde McGinnis are old enough to know their music wouldn’t get them anywhere.
Except it did. Now they’re in some alternate reality bordering on twelfth-century Wales, armed only with a cello, viola, and violin.
Back in Minnesota, Robin had a sidekick name, but he was a hero. A professional one. The kind that does weekend birthday parties and bar mitzvahs. Here in this other world, he’s finally got a chance to use his skills on the field. If he can get his siblings safely back to 2009, he’ll prove he’s worthy of his rented cape.
But seventeen-year-old Isolde gets mistaken for a noble, and she’s carted off to be the next queen of wherever-they-are. Robin vows to save her from almost certain marriage.
For Isolde, a prince outranks an imaginary boyfriend any day. And waiting it out in the castle—while her brothers eat mushy peas, shovel excrement, and theorize the physics of their situation—is just fine by her.
Then the king dies, and Isolde’s wedding approacheth. Robin and Gareth have a week to secure interworld transportation. Too bad they’re music majors.
Isolde might actually be falling in love with her fiancé.
The feeling is not mutual.
WORLD SONG is a portal fantasy of 74,000 words.
Oh my gosh, Lara, I love the premise of this book and would love to read it. I was born in Wales, and keep breeding musicians hoping to get somewhere with their music. Your book sounds fun. Loved the line ‘prove he’s worthy of his rented cap, next queen of wherever they are, and saved from almost certain marriage. Your query gives me a Princess Bride vibe.
I just read your query to my husband, a music major who was so inspired after the birth of his son and the tunes in the birthing room, when asked to clean the house before beloved wife (me) and son arrive home, he explains, ‘sorry, but I wrote a great song for the baby!’ We absolutely love this premise and cannot wait to read it! Great sense of humour. You’d fit well in our house.
Ha! That’s hilarious. Princess Bride is one of my favorite novels, so thank you very much!
Is this YA? I love the “voice” that comes through so clearly! And the characters pop off the page. I do wonder how their music got them into this alternate reality? This is really a good query. I hope to see the book in print someday!
Thank you Shelly! It isn’t YA per se. One of the characters is a teen, but Robin’s storyline, the main one, doesn’t have those themes. And the sequel I’m working on has their 50 y.o. father as the protagonist, and that definitively isn’t YA 🙂
I hope to see it in print, too!
If this is the back-cover blurb, I’d be totally hooked. I love the tone you have struck, and the conflicts and potential conflicts are all there – but so succinct!
One thing I’m confused about regarding the query-letter posts so far is the length and amount of detail given in them all. I’ve heard it varies depending on whether the agent is in the USA or UK, but I’ve seen several agents mention that they want an introductory sentence/paragraph saying why you have chosen to contact them, followed by a second paragraph of no more than two or three (!) sentences detailing your book, then a closing paragraph with word count and any relevant info about the writer.
Maybe Ellen could clarify? Is it acceptable to give much longer summaries?
It depends on the agents and/or the agency. In the queries I’ll be sending out, I’ll have a short paragraph personalization telling why I’m querying that specific agent, and a short bio paragraph about myself. But I’ll have both of those at the end, unless the agent specifies otherwise. If an agent immediately wants to know genre, s/he can glance at the bottom and see. I think most prefer you to just start in with the story, because that’s the purpose of the query—to show that your story is one worth telling.
This sounds like a really fun novel! I like how this is not just a list of facts about the story–the tone and feel of the novel, and your voice, come through in your choice of words and clever phrases. I think it’s really great, but there were a few things: I feel like Gareth was left out here since we’re told something about Robin and Isolde. Also I wonder how they ended up in this world, but assume it’s too complicated to go into and would make it too long.
The ages of the boys aren’t clear to me. You say Isolde is 17, and I feel like Robin may be older? And I have no idea about Gareth. Could you say something like “Robin and his younger/older brother Gareth”?
The last two lines are funny, but I feel like they don’t belong at the end and would fit better with the part above, either when you talk about her being fine with the situation or when you mention the wedding. I love the lines “Robin and Gareth have a week to secure interworld transportation.Too bad they’re music majors.” Ending with that would be great, I think, because that sums it up.
Overall, I think it’s a very good query and it looks like something I’d like to read. Good luck. 🙂
I wrote a critique, but for some reason it didn’t post (probably user error), so here I go again. If it ends up showing up twice, I apologize. First off, this sounds like a really fun story! I love how it is not just a list of facts–your voice and the tone and feel of the novel show through in yor choice of words and clever phrases. This is a really great query, but I do have a few things to mention: I wonder how they ended up in this world. Could it be hinted at in one line, or is it too complicated to go into?
Also, I feel like Gareth was left out since something was told about Robin and Isolde. I realize you’re trying to keep the word count down, but even one sentence might make it feel more balanced.
I’m not clear on the ages of the boys. Isolde is seventeen and I get the feeling Robin is older. With Gareth I have no idea. Could you say “Robin and his younger/older brother Gareth” or something like that?
I think it would be great to end with the lines “Robin and Gareth have a week to secure interworld transportation. Too bad they’re music majors.” That sums it up quite well, and the lines about Isolde falling in love and it not being mutual could be added above when you talk about her being fine with the situation or when you mention the wedding. Those lines just felt out of place at the end like that.
Overall, good job! Good luck with this. 🙂
Sorry, I figured this would happen–now it posted twice. I forgot to fill in my personal info before posting, too, so the above comments are from me. I don’t know why it took so long to post, though. Better get some coffee before I mess something else up….