Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Adult Mystery, Introspective
The alarm clock on her cell was bleeping 4:a.m, Maddie groaned and rolled over ready to fall back into her slumber when she remembered that today she couldn’t sleep in. She tried to focus her mind on what it was… the breeze of the open window was pleasantly cooling her until she realized that she didn’t remember if she had opened her window the previous evening. An uneasy feeling crept over her and then was quickly replaced with thoughts of self doubt and she told herself that she was just being paranoid again. She forced herself out of bed with the sudden realizaton that today was the 4 hour long grueling bike ride through the Peace River hills that she was had planned for the morning. She knew she had to hurry before the sun came out or it would be almost impossible to finish the hellish hills of the mighty Peace in the scortching noon heat. Clambering out of bed she momentarily
glanced in the hall mirror and could see her sinewy bronzed leg muscles and how incongruent they looked against her brown belly protruding out like bowl of overflowing bread dough that someone had forgotten to punch down. She quickly averted her eyes from her naked form before she was overcome with another hopeless mood in which she lost all desire and motivation to get back into the once healthy and athletic body of her youth. “ u can do it, u can do it” was her silent mantra as she struggled to keep away….
I first thought Maddie was in prison, (cell), and then wondered where she was, as she seemed to young to be in prison. She seems older (‘get back… her youth’), but the ‘u can do it’ feels like a young person’s vocabulary.
awesum feedback. i dint even thi.nk of the reference to “cell” as the prison cell. and great comment on the young persons vocabulary… it works well in my characters imature emotional state at times.
I’m definitely intrigued by the window that was open that she couldn’t remember opening. I think you could build on that more. I’m more interested in her paranoia than her bronzed leg muscles and protruding belly. Unless she’s pregnant?
This seems to be a stream of consciousness style (Sorry for the literary terminology—but there really isn’t another word for it!). Have you considered writing this in first person instead? Either way, I think hearing someone else read it aloud would help you catch some of the typos. I’m also not sure why “you” is spelled “u” unless she is texting a pep talk to herself.
lol. thanku for that feedback. Its not meant to b u, its my lazy way of texting constantly I dont even realize im doing it.
It feels like there are a lot of emotions and a lot of information being presented in a very short time. Although this is normal in real life, it is a lot for a reader to process. Focusing on one train of thought (her apprehension of getting out to run on time; showing Maddie fighting her thoughts of self doubt in the moment; showing that uneasy feeling and reaction to the open window) would draw the reader closer to Maddie.
There’s not enough info presented in the first page to make the open window important to the reader (I’m assuming it becomes important later on). If the open window is an important clue that pushes the plot forward, it would strengthen the scene to focus on her dilemma with that (maybe she retraces her steps from the night before; she goes over and shuts the window after peering outside; she notices something out of place beneath the window ) rather than her feelings about her body.
Maddie’s emotional struggles can be hinted at over the course of the story, but unless it’s directly affecting the plot, less focus on it might be more effective.
I like how you put a mirror in the story without lingering on it to give a full character description. It is completely normal for someone to look in the mirror for a few seconds and notice a particular thing (legs/belly). I would, however, scrutinize the scene to decide if the mirror is absolutely necessary- a LOT of editors and agents view it as a cliche and a red flag that weakens the scene.
I also like your voice in narration. So long as you keep it consistent and separate from the character’s voice, it will make for a unique mystery telling.
I like this. I’ve read it a few times and I keep coming back to the same thought. “she realized that she didn’t remember if she had opened her window the previous evening.’ wondering if ‘she realized that she couldn’t recall opening her window the previous evening’ may work a little better.
thank u so much excellent , i was looking for a better word myself
This is a good start and I would love to see where it goes in the future. There are just a few things I saw that I think would make it flow better. When Maddie is thinking of being paranoid she says she was just being paranoid again, I would really like to know the first time she was being paranoid, is there a story behind that. Also, there are several grammatical issues where the verb tenses change or you write 4 instead of four or for which is most likely a texting habit.
I’m intrigue. I focused on the open window and her paranoia. It made me feel like that small part will be crucial to the story. I wouldn’t focus to much on her legs and belly, apparently it is unnecessary information so early on (something that I keep doing over and over again 😉 ). Good luck 🙂
thank you so much and this scene was actually was much farther in to the story and on impulse i put it at the begining. What I was attempting to portray is her lack of confidence in herself and how she feels about herself is the key to overcoming a government conspiracy that she has stumbled upon. she doesnt even take herself seriously most of the time and so she puts herslf in danger unknowingly.
I saw another critique say that the first thought that came to mind was that the girl was actually in a jail cell and I would have to agree. I think that some parts are a little too wordy and it kind of overwhelms the reader. I would recommend changing the beginning a little bit– I think that the window/ paranoid thing has been a little over done and at this point is slightly cliche. In my opinion you have the talent and ability to show that she is paranoid through action and imagery, rather than just telling the reader.
Back at the wordy parts, I would recommend changing this sentence:
“Clambering out of bed she momentarily
glanced in the hall mirror and could see her sinewy bronzed leg muscles and how incongruent they looked against her brown belly protruding out like bowl of overflowing bread dough that someone had forgotten to punch down.”
I think that the end part was a little much. Also, let me ask you a question. Do you do what she is doing when she woke up? Identifying her muscles and such that is. If so, then I guess you wouldn’t need to change the reasoning behind this sentence, but I consider myself to be a paranoid/ self aware person and I don’t do that :P. Overall, very well done and I wish you the best as a writer! If you have any questions, feel free to let me know and I will do my best to clarify!
Hi Maddy, when I first read your story I thought you were foreshadowing an attack on the MC. Not so. It appears she is running in a marathon, one she doubts she can do. In the next section you describe her body. I think she might be pregnant from the description of the overflowing bread dough. You have a lot of information but instead of drawing me in, I am left with questions. Why is Maddie so troubled? What does this run mean to her? Good luck with your story
I was almost willing to forgive the waking up cliche for the epic window scene, but then you comboed it with the mirror cliche, so I couldn’t resist. It’s really frowned upon because it’s been overused – both of them. We generally don’t go describing ourselves, although you did describe a figure which kind of kept my interest because you were talking about biking, so you nearly get away, but I’d still kick away the mirror thingie. Generally, editors won’t be too pleased to see those in books, even if they’re well done, because they’ve been used so much. But I think you’re fine skipping just mirror one. If you wanted her to be insecure about the biking thing, you can have her just literally look at her legs, or spontaneously do some exercise (once, not like for half of an hour) and then think “you can do it.”
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Young Adult
Perry understood that if he kept digging he would find his mother’s coffin. She was buried there on the hill behind his house eleven years before. There was a ceremony and a meal afterwards, but he was small, and so his memories were small. The shovel split the wet earth and with each plunge he braced for the bump of the box. He stopped and filled his mouth with warm vodka and looked out over Berry Cove. The sailboats slid across the glimmering water and joined others that were docked on the far side of the bay, near the village. By the Fourth, the harbor would be filled with opulent floating mansions battling for the finest view of the fireworks.
Since his short stint in recovery over Christmas break, Perry hadn’t touched alcohol. The vodka was a gift from Charles, a fellow equestrian teammate, before class let out for the summer. He waved Perry over to his father’s Jaguar and grabbed the bottle from the backseat. When Perry asked him why the gift, he said he had to get rid of it. Chick’s father was a lawyer in Manhattan, but they lived three houses down from Perry, on Long Island. Perry’s father had money, but Chick’s had more. He was the first of their group to get a license and it was a big deal.
“Take it,” Chick said, smiling. “We know you’ll use it.”
Perry slid the bottle into his book bag.
It feels confusing, as to the age. He seems older at first, as though he is now an adult, but the vocabulary and bookbag make him seem school-aged. Then the vocabulary switches back a bit jarringly for me, with opulent floating mansions.
Thanks for the feedback, Meow. Need to smooth things out for sure.
I really liked this, but I felt like the bit about fireworks was out of place, unless you contrasted it with the harbor being empty in front of him while he was digging. I also think the vodka part of paragraph 1 should be at the end, to take us into the next paragraph. And the sentence about where they both live, and the one before it all feel disjointed. They could be more focused. Why did Charles need to get rid of the vodka? Does that have anything to do with where he lives?
I’d read it, :-p
I hear what you’re saying, and thank you, Amanda. Sometimes I have trouble keeping on a thought.
That first line is a great hook! I also like the “so his memories were small.”
I’m guessing from the first paragraph he’s between 16 and 21.
These sentences are lovely. I really like how you’ve strung them together in the first paragraph.
My only change would be to make it more obvious that Charles goes by “Chick” since I was confused for a minute. Can you just introduce him as Chick in the first place? Or Charles “Chick” Last-name?
I want to find out more about this alcoholic teen and why he’s trying to dig up his mom. Especially if this is Contemporary Young Adult (YA is an age category, not the genre) and not Zombie Apocalypse or Supernatural YA.
Thank you, Lara. Appreciate the advice. Following you on Twitter. You’ve got a great web site! Thanks again for taking the time.
I love this genre, it is also my own 🙂 I understood about “he was small, so his memories were small.” being that he’s thinking back. The only thing I didn’t care for is Charles and then Chick (as was said by another as well) I was confused for a bit who was Chick. Otherwise I really liked the story!
Perry understood that if he kept digging he would find his mother’s coffin. ((Why understood? Who told him? I’m hooked already, though.)) She was buried there on the hill behind his house eleven years before. ((So he knew, not understood. Was it his house eleven years ago? Or her house and she left it to him? Or both? Or neither? All of these are possible.)) There was a ceremony and a meal afterwards, but he was small, and so his memories were small. ((Great line, but how about little, then small, to avoid repetition. The second “and” is redundant and slows your pace. Minor problems, easy fixes I think. Loving this so far.))
The shovel split the wet earth and with each plunge he braced for the bump of the box. ((This is why I buy books!)) He stopped and filled his mouth with warm vodka and looked out over Berry Cove. ((Great image. Another redundant “and”: He stopped, filled his mouth with vodka and…is correct.)) The sailboats slid across the glimmering water and joined others that were docked on the far side of the bay, near the village. By the Fourth, the harbor would be filled with opulent floating mansions battling for the finest view of the fireworks.
((Sailboats? July? Where has the coffin gone? Floating mansions and fireworks? No thanks. Bring back the coffin already! Looks a bit like this: .))
Since his short stint in recovery over Christmas break, Perry hadn’t touched alcohol. The vodka was a gift from Charles, a fellow equestrian teammate, before class let out for the summer.
((Horses now? Riding boots? What about his mum? The hole behind the house? To my eye you’ve left him (and us) up to our knees and disappeared off on an info dumping backstory bonanza.))
He waved Perry over to his father’s Jaguar and grabbed the bottle from the backseat. When Perry asked him why the gift, he said he had to get rid of it.
((Jaguar? Back seat? You’re losing me fast. Please take me back to that gripping graveside drama Right Now.))
Chick’s father was a lawyer in Manhattan, but they lived three houses down from Perry, on Long Island. Perry’s father had money, but Chick’s had more. He was the first of their group to get a license and it was a big deal.
“Take it,” Chick said, smiling. “We know you’ll use it.”
((I’m gone. Bye Perry. I don’t care about the Jag, Long Island or the money. I hope all your horses bolt, your shovel breaks and your hole falls in.))
((Sorry, but that’s an honest reader reaction to a wonderful opening which takes a sudden wrong turn with backstory and info dumping on an industrial scale. Ellen has written great posts about this which you may have missed.
((I think you can fix it easily. I’d like to suggest you cut out everything after “looked out over Berry Cove.” and immediately continue the coffin drama. Later on you can carefully weave in all this backstory by showing, not telling, and adding tension to it. Then you’ve got us turning pages.
((If the grave scene is your biggest scene, and you absolutely have to leave it because your novel ends when the coffin is opened, then I would suggest you stretch it right out by having him miss first time, opening the wrong coffin, whatever. To create a cliffhanger, give us something solid to hang on to.))
((I really want to know what happens, and I’d probably have found out inside the word limit, but there’s no way on earth I’m standing in a wet grave, shovel in one hand and a bottle of vodka in the other, only to hear about horses and rich lawyers. Because if you’ve written well, and I think you have, the reader becomes your main character. We’ll only stand in a puddle if we’ve found love!))
Hi Tim,
Thanks so much for taking the time to provide this level of feedback. It was really great, and you made some very valid points. I’ve got a lot to work out, for sure. I think what happens, at least with me, is I get so excited about ideas that I get them out too soon, or all at once, or in the wrong place. An issue for me, I know. However, I’m glad you enjoyed some of it.
Cheers!
Hi Michael, You’re welcome. I certainly did enjoy it. Ellen’s posts about info dumping and backstory should help you a lot. She tells us how to order scenes and info to keep the reader hooked. You’ll find them under Writing And Editing Advice. I recommend you read them in conjunction with Lectures 1 and 2. All the best, Tim
I’ll definitely check those out, Tim. Thanks for that. 🙂
Great first paragraph, intriguing. I agree with Amanda that it could “sound” better if you moved ” He stopped and filled his mouth with warm vodka and looked out over Berry Cove.” to the end of first paragraph, but I wouldn’t change it. I also like ” but he was small, and so his memories were small.” it stands out in my opinion. Keep going and good luck 🙂
Hi Justyna,
Thanks for the encouragement and advice. I think you and Amanda are spot on with that. I don’t know about you guys, but I go back and rework the beginning more than I probably should. Everything you ever read about writing advice stresses that first line, paragraph, etc., and I think one can worry about it too much and screw it up. I’m ten thousand words in and still go back and mess with it. Not smart, but correctable. 🙂
Thanks for taking the time.
Good luck to you as well!
The imagery and voice are really clear and rich in this opening– well done! By the second paragraph I had gotten a little confused: were you switching the time period or was this still present day? Maybe its just me and I just read this wrong, but if so I would recommend leaving out dialogue when talking about the past (unless if you indicate to your readers that you are making a time skip)
Now onto the other thing! The most interesting part of these two paragraphs is the beginning. This guy is digging up his mother’s coffin, I mean how much more interesting can you get? But then it begins to shift to another direction about people and alcohol, which is all well and good, but the digging is what the reader really wants to know about! At least I did; maybe I am a morbid sort of person, but it was still really interesting! Maybe you could consider elaborating on that and leaving the people/ alcohol stuff for later? Just a suggestions of course 🙂
Well done, I really liked this intro a lot and I wish you the best as a writer! If you have any questions, feel free to ask!
Hi Joshua,
Thanks for taking the time to comment. Your insights are well founded, and I find it very hard not to agree with you. I’ve only ever written short stories and I’m struggling with stretching things out. I’m so used to blowing through an idea because I’m trying to keep it at 3k or 4k words, that I don’t hold long enough with long form before switching gears. Need to slow down, for sure.
I wish you all the best, as well. Thank you!
Hi Michael, your opening drew me in and I wondered why Perry, after eleven years, was digging up his mother’s remains. Good job. I have a few suggestions and questions. By the Fourth, the harbor would be filled with opulent floating mansions battling for the finest view of the fireworks. I’m not sure this information helps to move the story forward……before class let out for the summer. The timing seems off to me. Perhaps you might say …before class let out this past summer….He waved Perry over to his father’s Jaguar and grabbed the bottle from the backseat. I’m confused. I thought Perry was digging up his mother’s grave and had already been drinking the vodka. Chick’s father….Who’s Chick? Good luck with your story.
The backstory of the bottle didn’t feel very engaging after the second sentence, I barely read it. But I was really captivated by the beginning and curious as to why would he be digging his mother’s grave!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Science Fiction
Chapter 1. Encounters
In the moment … Worst place to be; Alone? Why bother to exist? -from “The Book Of Hayat”
A thought filled the void. Sounds crested with the waves. Their desperate praises, live again for a moment, faded into the darkness. “It was the only way.”
Mountains leveled with a nudge, enemies reduced to ash, savoring the smoldering remains. There were no rivals here. None were left. Curls of other universes hid scattered remnants, mere specks of the glory once shared. Glory usurped by others. Now, there was only loneliness; eternal, consuming. “I shall release another.”
There, in an adjoining universe. Warm colors, then ultra-violet. Another reflected, unaware. The outline of a cupped palm darkened space. Space began to spin. Accelerating, red-hot matter and nearby universes spiraled toward the inescapable grip. Colliding dimensions ruptured, releasing the other: serpent, sea-blue with green starfish tail. The hand closed as universes vanished. The serpent disappeared. An explosion of fiery quills, spinning wildly, flinging heat and light in all directions. The other seemed frightened, but caution remained wise. “Be still.”
“Where are you?! Who are you?”
“I am Becoming.”
“Becoming what?”
“I am Becoming. You may call me the Ancient One. We shall explore the universes together, and create our subjects.”
This is so abstract, I don’t know what is going on. Is there a way you can anchor this, give it some context? Whose thoughts? Whose hands? What’s going on with the serpent? Who or what is “the other”? Who’s talking to the Ancient One?
Once I have an idea of what’s happening, then I can take time to appreciate your poetic turns of phrase. Abstraction can be sustained in a short poem, but I want to know who, what, where, when, and why in fiction.
Thank you for writing -I will find a way to give more context. I was afraid of giving away too much in the beginning, but I see that too little is bad, here. My problem is how to give context when the starting place is a vacuum. I will think on it.
Many thanks,
Shira
I’m not really sure what is going on? I think you are using some really good words, and if you pull them together to show who, what, when, and where it will help.
Thank you for writing -I will work on showing more of the setting, maybe before this start.
Many thanks.
You have a way with words, but I’m not sure what’s happening. There’s a lot of questions that I could not find the answer to. Who were MC enemies? Who is your MC? Who are the others.Who’s hand closed? Who’s talking with the Ancient One? It seemed hard to follow, but that just could be me.
No, no, it is not just you. Other folks find it hard to follow too, because I did not realize that I had not given enough information. I was afraid of info-dumping, but I seem to have erred on the under side. I will re-write with more background. I really appreciate your critique -I had no idea that it was so under-detailed.
Thanks again,
Shira
James-MEOW Date: Sunday, July 8. 12014 H.E. (Holocene Era)
For some reason, I really like it! It follows no rule of “how the book should begin 101,” but it really captivated me! It was creation of the Universe, wasn’t it? Or rather, of a new Universe. It explores one of the biggest mysteries of human kind and describes it very eloquently, I can almost believe that The, whatever it is, is revealing something to me, but I can’t quite grasp it. For and abstract and unclear beginning, this is as good as it gets!
I’m just wondering, will you be able to keep it up? Does your book explore other themes such as this, or this one exclusively consistently? Because I would be really disappointed if this was a false promise.
This is beautifully written, but so ethereal it’s difficult to follow. Rather than have the reader out there with the Ancient One, could we stay on the ground while he shows us things? The facts, details and story would be our anchor, while he could fly in with higher thoughts. I’m not suggesting you change a word, but perhaps it could be structured reality, ethereal, reality, ethereal so that the story drives forward. I would suggest each section of reality be at least three times as long as the ethereal. Perhaps the ethereal could be italicized for distinction from the beginning, then maybe less as those lines begin to blur. Just a suggestion.
(((I think an opening as bold and fascinating as this deserves a deeper critique, because I kept coming back. Five times and counting. So although I feel completely out of my depth, I’m going to attempt one.)))
(((My overall reaction is that you are attempting to capture in words the eternal, infinite presence of the Ancient One, from his viewpoint. But perhaps all my conclusions here are only true for me. Perhaps you intend every reader’s conclusion to be true for them. In your novel he is the Ancient One, but in my own reaction, I think I may wonder if he is the Creator, and God.)))
Chapter 1. Encounters
In the moment … Worst place to be; Alone? Why bother to exist? -from “The Book Of Hayat”
(((To me, “Encounters” implies meetings with the Ancient One. I read “In the moment…” etc as either sweeping unrevealed mysteries or, in distilled form, the questions the Ancient One most often hears. To me, The Book Of Hayat may be a physical answer, a gateway to the spiritual, a way to understand. But even that seems beyond our reach, unless we are reading it now.
“A thought filled the void…”
(((To my reading, this paragraph is the beginning of the biggest summary ever. No less than the whole of Creation, from beginning to the end, is being summarized in these sentences. Concepts, plans, creations, creatures, conflicts, resolutions, all crest like a wave at their appointed hour within infinity, only to fade naturally back into the darkness of the Creator’s determination for all things.))) ((Phew!))
“Mountains leveled with a nudge…”
(((I read this paragraph as the history of Everything. And the challenge to our conceptions continues because you introduce plural universes, when we all know, or think we know, that the universe is infinite and everything. A wonderful concept.
“There, in an adjoining universe…”
(((Now you have gone even further and challenge our rock solid assertion that there can only be one universe at any one time. I am not even going to attempt to describe the scale of this paragraph. And still we are on Page One. Where will we be at Page Two Hundred?
!
(((All I hope is that this critique is not an injustice and that you see how much your opening has made me think. Best wishes for your novel.)))
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Fantasy
Crouched down between two thick trees, Alcozio looked on as a deer wandered into the clearing. His breaths and movements were slow and calm. He loaded his bow and aimed. The animal pricked its ears up as Alcozio pulled back the bow string. The arrow found its heart and it crumpled to the ground. Alcozio walked over and looked down at it.
“Sorry,” he said, crouching and patting the dead animal gently.
He never enjoyed killing. Indeed, he preferred to capture and train. However, it was a necessary skill, especially since his father’s death. Mother relied upon Alcozio and his brother, Galton, to keep the family alive—which was no small feat.
They lived in a sturdy cottage; one Alcozio’s father had built just on the inside of the Timor Forest.
He slung the buck over his broad shoulders, bow in hand. Alcozio smiled to himself, feeling the weight of the beast.
This will do nicely for a few meals, he thought.
Alcozio was almost back at the cottage when he stopped. He heard a rustle of leaves. It could be nothing… or it could be a forest savage as his father called them. Taking cover in the thicket, he took an arrow and silently loaded his bow. He rested the deer in the grass and waited. The rustling grew louder. He heard something burst out of the bushes. Immediately, he abandoned his hiding place and aimed his bow.
“Brother!” said Galton. “It is only me.”
Alcozio sighed and shook….
This held my interest and I felt like I was in good hands and being guided through the story deftly. I think there is room for more tension here, leading up to the discovering Alcozio’s brother. I also wanted a bit more info about what a forest savage was, or at least what kind of damage they could do. This would help me be fearful/empathize with Alcozio.
Thank you Betsy for the critique. I’ll work on the build up and add in that info
Wow this was really well written. I felt excited that it could be a forest savage 🙂
Thank you Laura so much, I really appreciate it
Easy to read, very well written story. Your description is very good, without any unnecessary adjectives. I felt sorry for Alcozio when he killed the deer, knowing that it was hard task for him. I felt scared with him when “He heard a rustle of leaves”.
Thank you so much for the feedback
Sorry I didn’t mean to make that anonymous..
The beginning captivated me! Well done. A suggestion: its too choppy. Your sentences are too short and they just do not flow. My captivation would increase all the more if everything flowed! Commas and semi colons are your friends (so use them)! The very end part was done in a slightly cliche way in my opinion. Maybe instead of having the brother come out from the bushes and saying “It is only me.” you could gave Alcozio actually fire the bow and miss! Or something like that? That way there is more tension and an even bigger release of tension when the reader finds out that its only the brother. Well done! I love your voice by the way, and if you have any questions feel free to ask! Best wishes.
Thank you for your input. Actually, I agree with the choppiness I just wasn’t sure how to fix it. I also agree with the end. Thank you for the suggestions. This helped a lot.
Also sorry I didn’t mean to make that anonymous..
I like it. The story is interesting and this section has a nice introductory atmosphere by giving the reader a feel for the world and situation the main character is in. I like the idea of forest savages–however a little more description to peek the reader’s interest might be a good idea. One thing I would check is your terms with using the bow and arrow–I am no expert on the subject, so I might be wrong, but using “loaded his bow” just sounded slightly off to me (but as I said, I don’t really know anything about using bows so I might be wrong). Otherwise, it looks like a good start to an interesting story! Keep up the good work!
Thank you so much. Consider the forest savage thing noted. Also, I will check the bow terms.
I’d just remove the paragraph that starts with “He never enjoyed killing…” It’s pretty obvious that he didn’t after he apologized to the animal, and also the info dump on him fending for his family could be easily avoided when you say “This will do nicely for a few meals, he thought.” It makes us think a bit more, which is always a good thing – keeping out attention!
Thank you I appreciate your advice. I never considered the info dump.
I like your voice and the style of this piece. I already like Alcozio… you’ve done a good job of showing us his character as sensitive, responsible, kind and strong. A couple of things stood out to me… when you say he “rested” the deer in the grass… I thought that was a strange word choice, at least to me. Also, I think you could convey more tension and action in the last full paragraph. I would imagine he’d also need to set the deer down before he takes and arrow and loads his bow. Overall, I really enjoyed your piece!
Thank you so much, I really appreciate your comments. I am so happy that you already sense those things about Alcozio (they were all true). And yes I agree that the putting the deer down comes before. I’ll make sure to fix that. And yeah the other commenters agree that there needs to be more tension. Thank you again!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: The beginning reads a little YA, but it’s contemporary fiction
My dad was an architect. My mom wore a shag. I wore long-sleeved, pastel shift dresses and was blond, pretty and happy about it. I spoke in measured tones and always with a bemused half-smile on my face. For one shiny half hour every week, I was Marcia or Jan, even Cindy, but also Peter or Bobby or Alice, the maid. I wasn’t Greg, who seemed impossible, growing up so quickly. There was something disgusting about him becoming a man right before my eyes, like he had elephantitis.
This wasn’t my first television family, per se, but they may have been my first technicolor one. They possessed a quality that was foreign to me. I didn’t want to believe it about myself, but even then I had an idea that I was just holding my breath and trying to make it through everything — every meal, every school day. Everything was a race to get back to a place where I was alone, or at least with my own family, so that I could feel safe. But in this fantasy family, it was different. Everyone talked freely about how they felt. In my regular life, I’d try to please my parents by hiding all of my problems and fears. And I was struck by the kindness of my TV family. If someone said something sarcastic, it always landed perfectly as a joke. There was never a need to wonder if someone was kidding or why something meant to be funny could sting that way.
The spacing really makes it hard to read. I start to wonder about the TV family but I feel like I just can’t connect to the protag. Maybe some dialogue?
I agree, Medium! Dialogue starts the next paragraph, but should come sooner.
You make a good attempt to give us insight into the character’s psychology here, but the beginning is a bit confusing as things stand: perhaps it would be better to give us a picture of the character’s real life, then show us his fantasy life. Also, the distinction between a complicated real family and a perfect fantasy/television one seems to me a bit cliched, while the language that you use to describe it is flat; giving specific examples of (e.g.) ‘problems and fears’ would do a lot to liven things up and get the reader interested in the character. Finally, be careful about your use of language: not ‘elephantitis’ but ‘elephantiasis’; also, is the Brady Bunch really in technicolor? I realize you are using the term metaphorically, but it does have a precise technical connotation.
Good advice! Problems and fears, yep, yep, of course. I don’t think elephantiasis would be a part of her lexicon at her age, but I’ll rethink it. Thank you.
First few lines confused me a bit. Couldn’t figure out what was going on. Is MC an actor/actress or is he/she just imagining to be one of the characters in his/hers favorite TV show? By the time I finished reading I thought its his/hers imaginary life. I could somehow understand his/hers state of mind, his/hers loneliness which is a plus. It “sounds” like a good idea for a novel. Good luck 🙂
She is just imagining. That should be clearer from the start. Thanks for the encouragement, Justyna!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA dystopian ( ;o; * gasp * I know)
The school bus jerks down the highway, with me and my classmates inside. Our little vehicle resembling an overflowing microwave. I can barely hear myself think, surrounded by the overwhelming chatter of teenagerdom. I just stare out the window to my right. The vibrations coming from the engine and tires travel up to my arm, which is propped up on the ledge. While I lean my head against the window, I can hear a faint buzzing sound as my skull bounces slightly against the glass. Then, everything goes blurry and I straighten my spine. This, my friends, is the most comfort I will get while on this accursed contraption.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see some guy leaning over to me with a smirk on his face. Oh jeez. I mentally panic and prepare myself for the worst.
“Hey A, guess-,” he says, but is cut off by a thrust of the seat from below. Everything is thrown up in the air, and my head hits the seat in front of me. Oh frick! My hand flies up to my nose. The whole of my face is numb, and there’s heat trickling down my lips. Oh come on. Like I need a bloody nose right now. I quick look at my hand, and sure enough, there’s a stream of red running down my knuckles. Wonderful. Now I have to say something and draw attention to myself.
Strangely, the bus has stopped and everyone is talking over (cut)
The thoughts are italicized, but it doesn’t show up on here 😦
I really like it so far, the only part that felt off to me is ” I quick look at my hand, ” It seems forced a bit. “I look at my hand” I don’t know if you need quick in there. Otherwise it read very well 🙂
Thank you! I’m taking your advice 🙂
You have a very interesting style and a unique voice. I’m intrigued as to why the bus has stopped and I want to know more about the MC. I would keep reading.
Thank you! *hugs*
I like the protagonist’s voice, but I wonder if ‘dystopian’ is actually the effect that you achieve: the tone actually seems to me to be humorous and a touch ironic (as one can see in the line at the end of the first paragraph, which is to my ears the best in the chunk that you have given us). No need to change anything on that score, of course–maybe what you have is not Young Adult Dystopian but a kind of humorous take on that genre (which, as you yourself recognize in your genre statement, could use a humorous take or two). The coinages (‘teenagerdom’) and mild, studiously un-adult and un-serious oaths (‘Oh jeez’, ‘frick’) add to that impression, which I think you should try to strengthen. Just a few points of caution: The language is at points repetitive (‘overflowing,’ ‘overwhelming’), and be careful of sentence fragments, like the second in the first paragraph (perhaps ‘resembled,’ instead of ‘resembling’?).
Yeah, I’m trying to build up the MC’s humorous trait because 1) she’s a whiner (which will be developed into a proactive protagonist as things get serious) and needs some redeeming qualities and 2) as you mentioned, I want to take a spin on the dystopian genre. Thank you thank you for recognizing that and the issues that come with it. I’m not sure if I should change the tone , but maybe it’d be for the best if I did?
I will definitely take your advice on the repetitive adjectives and it makes more sense now to use “resembled”.
Thank you so much for your feedback, I really do appreciate it 🙂
You can do whatever you want with it, of course, but I think the main issue is with the genre-definition: if it is definitely meant to be humorous, I doubt it should be called ‘dystopian’ without further qualification.
If he’s traveling with his classmates why wouldn’t he know the boy that leaned over to talk to him? That is the impression I got as he referred to him as “some guy”. I like the line “everything is thrown up in the air”, it makes it a bit more dramatic. It made me imagine the bus flipping over to its side at first but then ” the bus has stopped” and I wasn’t sure what actually happened. MC doesn’t seem to be bothered with the situation, I would be panicking ;). Overall it is a good opening to your novel, it puts a reader right in the middle of an action. Good luck 🙂
Oh, you’re right! Thank you for catching that, it makes sense that the MC would know him. Also, I’m going to clear up the “everything is thrown up in the air” line right now. I’ll mention something like “the tires landed hard on the gravel”. Again, you’re right about the panicking part. I’ll change that 🙂
Thank you so so much!!!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Religious Bildungsroman, speculative historical fiction
Somewhere north of the river, a bell tolled. The young scholar woke with a start. The sky was still filled with a bright but impenetrable mist, and he could see no farther than his own right hand. When the bell fell silent after the eighth chime, he groaned. ‘Hercules! When are we going to get there? We were supposed to reach Bovipontia last night.’
‘Soon enough, young master Quintilius.’
Marcus rose. The riverboat rocked gently beneath him, and he swayed on his feet.
‘Certainly, captain,’ he said. ‘But when? I was to arrive at the university today.’
‘No more than an hour from now, I’ll wager. I offered a double libation to Sarapis last night, and just to be safe, I tossed in a few pennies for the river-god. That’s always worked for me before: you need fear no more delays.’
Marcus thanked him, then nudged another young man who lay, still curled up in a sheet, beside his couch. ‘Get up, Tiro! We’re almost there.’
Tiro scrambled to his feet. ‘Sorry, sir,’ he said. ‘By your father’s genius! I hope I’ve not overslept.’
‘No, you’ve not, Tiro. I wish I still could myself.’
Slowly, the mist began to clear. Cattle lowed, and Marcus could first hear sheep bleating, then see blotches of dirt against the white of their wool as shepherds and dogs herded them through meadows. Trees loomed over the river as the riverboat floated along, propelled against the current by the steady rowing of the oarsmen.
Nice imagery. I felt myself there, and with a growing sense of menace.
My god, you have a gift with words! I had to pick through it to find anything to critique on. I felt sucked in, and I’m eager to see what happens next.
I really want to get into the MC’s head more, though. Maybe I just haven’t read enough and Marcus is starting to do that right after this.
Awesome start, though! I would keep reading. 🙂
Don’t worry–Marcus will be doing a good deal of introspection, some of it fairly soon. Thanks for the kind words!
You’ve done a great job setting the scene… I can see it playing in my head. The only comment I have is about the “bright but impenetrable mist.” Mist doesn’t usually strike me as being bright… more of a grayish, oppressive kind of color. That’s the only thing that pulled me out of the story. Best of luck!
Thanks for the comment! You have a good point in principle, but the idea is that he is in a mist through which the sun is beginning to shine strongly (remember, it is 8 am); the sun will, in fact, become visible in a matter of minutes. If that seems unrealistic, however, I should perhaps change it (at the least, it probably should not be quite so thick, if so bright).
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Amya followed the blood splatter on the ground. The red sun hang low in the sky, providing small amounts of light. This is gonna be interesting, she thought and made another cautious step forward and entered the forest. Amaya blinked to adjust her sight, it seemed like she stepped into another word. With few more steps the trees closed around her. She could hardly see but that wasn’t a problem. She could smell blood dripping from the wound that she inflicted on him just minuets ago. She didn’t know his name. It wasn’t what she was interested in. To her Incubuses where nothing more than a target. “I’m coming for ya,” she said in a low, calm voice “It wont hurt. Well, it wont hurt that bad,” half smile crossed her face.
A branch broke few feet away from her. Amaya turned to the left, she clenched her brown eyes. “I’m getting bored with this hide and seek, rubbish of a game,” she tightened her grip on one of her falcatas, still tightened to her side. The sword on many occasions saved her life, but this time its curved blade will be used to take one. Amaya’s hunting mode came to life. Her senses, now very sensitive, picked up on him. The smell of his sweat hit her nostrils. She could here his trembling heartbeat. The outline of his shaking body was clearer now as well. Got ya, she thought and jumped foreword and pulled out falcata of its sheath.
Genre: Urban Fantasy
I like that you start with action and don’t solve the mystery of who she’s stalking right away — it helps the reader be pulled into the story. The sequence of events is fairly lucid and sensible. The main thing you can do to improve your writing is to clean up the pervasive errors in spelling, punctuation, and grammar, and then replace some clichés with more vivid language.
Spelling: Amya or Amaya? Another world. Just minutes ago. Incubuses were. Won’t always has an apostrophe. Broke a few feet. Could hear. Jumped forward. Most of these are real words (just not the words you want), so an automated spell-check won’t catch them.
Grammar: Watch your tenses. The sun hung. She had stepped. Had saved her life. Blade would be used. Pulled the falcata out of its sheath.
Punctuation: The sentence beginning ‘Amaya blinked’ is a run-on, as is that beginning ‘Amaya turned to the left’. With speech, the tag can be separated from the quotation by a comma (‘”I’m coming for ya,” she said.’), but be sure that your tag is really a tag! If there’s no verb of speech (said, asked, yelled, etc.), it’s not a tag and can’t be used that way. So either ‘”… rubbish of a game,” she said and tightened…’ or else ‘”rubbish of a game.” She tightened…’
Clichés: esp. ‘blinked to adjust her sight’, ‘stepped into another [world]’, ‘on many occasions [had] saved her life’, ‘hit her nostrils’. Be careful also for repetitions (‘tightened… tightened’). Think about whether you could replace any of these phrases with more descriptive ones.
The list may sound overwhelming, but the good news is that these are on the whole very superficial problems! A basic handbook on English grammar and punctuation could help a lot, especially if English is not your first language.
Thank you Ella. This is my first draft so I didn’t pay that much attention to grammar just yet. But thank you very much for pointing it out :). It is Amya (rain in dark), intentional, not very well known name, took me ages to come up with it 😉
Nice definition (the sword). I got the impression (incubi) of supernatural martial, and enjoyed the ending sense of action.
Thank you 🙂 Incubus is type of a demon than Amya is hunting in that scene. I’m glad you enjoyed it 🙂
The voice and tone is amazing, spot-on, I think. Ella ^^ covered all my critiques, and they really are not things to worry yourself over 🙂 Your imagery fits well with the scene, which is something that’s not easily accomplished.
Pretty darn good for a first draft 🙂 would read more
Thank you Jackie for your kind word 🙂
It’s good, but you should make it seem like she’s a bit more challenged. She’s too confident for us to feel sympathetic in this situation, there’s no conflict (despite the amazing situation you’ve created) if she doesn’t feel intimidated by the obstacle one bit. If she’s just arrogant and it comes back to her, I suppose it’s fine, but it’s not as engaging as it could be, the scene has a lot of potential.
Good luck with it!
Hi Darnika, thank you for your critique! Yes, she is arrogant and doesn’t feel scared, she’s done it thousands of times. And yes, it will come back to her during the fight (in next few lines). I didn’t go for sympathy as such, she’s not the victim. You’re right, the conflict is not in there yet, more of an action. I’ll work on that.
Once again, thank you 🙂
What a badass ;). I like her. And I liked the situation she was in. Her voice, in my opinion, feels a little cliche. Also, the word choice is slightly awkward at times. Like when she says she “clenched her brown eyes” and the sentence about her senses being very sensitive. Pretty small errors though. Other than that, it’s good. I definitely would keep reading (I love how you ended this).
Thank you for your critique 🙂 I’m glad you like her. I do agree with you on my word choice, I’ll definitely go through it again, including grammar and spellings mistakes (a lot of them out there 😉 ).
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Fantasy
Her long legs caught the Trivian’s glance, her pride kept it. She wore a single wrap of silk around her hips that twisted back up and around her breasts. The dull red color accented her body and gave full view of the woman’s waist, neck line and figure. Her flaxen hair had been pulled back to expose the sharp lines of her face and neck. A ring of bronze rested on her collar bones, to it a link of chain ensured her wrists were behind her back in a way so that she arched her back and amplified her chest, so that buyers would be enticed to stop and admire. To any man the woman was as a treasure that one desired above all.
A young man, early in his years held the fine chain that ran from her metal collar. He wore fine robes made of colorful linen. Jewelry decorated his neck and hands in a way that made him appear wealthy than he was.
The past few days he had grown accustom to the smell of the tanners barrel placed next to his row of stones. He was optimist though seeing each man who stopped to urinate aroused by the wild eyes of his merchandise, though most he noticed kept an eye on her and quickly finished their business. The days were hot and he looked down into the barrel that offended his senses these past few days, until a new face passed by. He sprang into action
(Being a very new writer, I don’t feel my critique is all that valuable, so I just hunt for things I wouldn’t do myself. Makes it easier.)
Is this omniscient 3rd? If not you might have a tiny bit of rewording to do, If (I don’t know your character’s name something else you might want to do sooner) If it’s the young man’s POV, he would have no way of knowing if she (name?) was proud. The only other thing I can come up with, is that I personally try to avoid using the same word close to the other, such as “fine chain” and “fine linen”. I wouldn’t say her neck is in full view, and then say it is exposed. Any time I do something like that, if I catch it, I always go back and edit. Im very interested to see what happens next, something to do with a slave trade? I can’t wait to read more!
Now this is a fascinating beginning. I instantly want to know more of this story, and would definitely keep reading to find out. The darker atmosphere is very clear, especially with the last paragraph that leaves you slightly disgusted and empathetic toward the enslaved woman.
Could you try telling the reader what showed this woman’s pride? Is it the spark in her eyes, or the way she holds herself as she walks?
At first, I thought that the story was in the young man holding the chain’s POV, but the third paragraph makes it clear it’s not. Maybe introduce the character’s POV by giving a name or something to make it easier to follow the POV for the story.
Great work though, I am interested in what this story is about.
More main character! Let us get to know him! Maybe something happening in the next scene? (somehow, I’m fine with a descriptive beginning in this case) Just watch your pacing, don’t get too descriptive. I see it ends by “He sprang into action..” and if it’s the beginning of action part I take it as a perfect pacing!
It’s otherwise very good at setting the atmosphere, setting, posing a few questions etc.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA dystopian
I looked like hell. My hair stuck up in random tufts from it being shorn just hours earlier. The knot on the side of my head was turning black and blue from the bruise slowly creeping up my face from my eye. I could still make out faint traces of dried blood stubbornly clinging to my upper lip right under my nose. I tried taking a deep breath in but a sharp pain shot through my side, at least three of my ribs had to be broken.
The clothes they put me in were off white, two sizes too big, and looked like someone had draped me with bed linens. There was a knock on my cell door and I started to walk across my cell to answer it but tripped on the obnoxiously long pants. A blinding pain shot through my side and a small cry escaped my lips. The door opened and an unnatural light came washing over me.
“Get up,” the female guard said, you could only tell by their voices if they were man or woman. “It’s time for you to go.”
I struggled to stand but before I could fully get my footing the guard was already pulling me out into the hall.
“So where are we going exactly?” I asked.
“You’re wedding,” she said pushing me down another hallway.
“When are they going to fix my face?” I really didn’t want to make it to the end of the hallway.
“Tomorrow, maybe . . .
I am intrigued by this world you have created. There is an atmosphere of abuse, suppression, and, and hopelessness…you have done a good job with your descriptions. I found the opening to be jarring, which is exactly what I would expect when reading about a dystopian world that is much different from our own. I am left wanting to know more about this character and how she came to be in the predicament you describe in your opening.
A couple of thoughts. Can you show the character letting loose the small cry when she trips on the overly long pants, maybe by her muttering a curse or something along those lines? Secondly, I found the assertion that you could only tell the sex of the guards by their voices a tad confusing. Why can’t you tell then on sight? Is it the light? The dress? Does everyone have androgynous traits? A little elaboration might help the reader form the picture in his/her mind with more clarity.
I like what you have done!
Thank you so much I’m so glad that you enjoyed it
Hey hey hey dystopian sistas! *high five* It’s a weird coincidence that we posted so close to each other when I haven’t seen any dystopian so far ~twilight zone theme~
Amazing start, you sucked me right into this new world right along with the MC.
“-a small cry escaped my lips.” is a cliche, perhaps reword it? There are some punctuation mistakes, but they can be fixed easily. Also, I would really like to get a sense of the environment, maybe add some descriptors of the cell?
Awesome first page 🙂
*High five* hey, thanks so much I’m so glad that you liked my first page and thank you so much for your critiques.
Hi Alison, I’m highly impressed with your opening! great job 🙂 I like your descriptions. I would only suggest that you told us more about the guard. You could explain why is it so hard for your MC to tell the difference between a man or a woman, is it the same hair cut, same clothing, mannish walk etc. I would love to know why is she held in a cell and is bitten up, especially if she’s heading to her wedding. Again great first page, I would love to read more 🙂
Thank you very much for your suggestions they’re great and I’m so glad you like it and would read more.