Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Historical Romance
Something wasn’t right. I didn’t trust the withered old man sitting on the opposite side of the table. As a rule, I didn’t put much stock in the obscenely wealthy. Without exception, they manage to corrupt whatever they have within reach – like the golden touch of Midas in reverse. That prejudice had served me well in recent years. But, my bullshit meter was going off, and somehow, this felt like something more.
My head was throbbing and my neck was stiff, as I sat there in that uncomfortable and over-stuffed chair. I watched as he clanged a spoon around clumsily in his china tea cup. It annoyed me that I couldn’t put my finger on what had me ill at ease. Admittedly, I was off. After an eight-day trip across the Atlantic, I barely had the time for an hour’s rest, let alone the chance to get my land legs back. My associate had yet to explain himself, and patience had never been one of my strong suits.
“Mr. Ellis –,” the wizened man, began.
His eyes delved into mine with feigned confidence, but he gave himself away when he started picking at the felt top-hat he had perched on his bony knee. The old man was easily fifty years my senior, with a commanding presence that was markedly diminished by his twitchy behavior.
“Call me John, Sir.” If I was about to hazard life and limb for his sister, we may as well be on a first
Smooth opening. However, the voice made me think the protagonist was a female, so perhaps you can clarify the gender a little earlier. When the reader forms an image of a character, and later on contradictory info is revealed, it shakes the illusion of the story. Thus, it is better to introduce the most basic details of the narrator right away.
Liked the descriptions of the old man which were scattered throughout (withered, wizened etc) and not tacked on together.
Hope this helps!
Good luck.
First of all, I could get into this story. If I was in a book store and I picked this up and read it, this has me considering buying the book. A couple of things: I love the first sentence but I would prefer to read the guy’s actual name than withered old man. As a reader, I always prefer to know exactly what I’m getting into right off the bat. And if the withered old man’s name is compelling, then I would keep reading. I got lost in the third sentence. “somehow this felt like something more” I think it might read better and be clearer if you said, “somehow this felt like something different” Anyway, overall a really promising beginning to your novel!
This is well written! I love your description of the scene! it makes it very easy to imagine and paint the picture of what exactly is happening. Although, a few expressions and words threw me off. I wouldn’t expect the expression ” bullshit meter” in a historical writing (although I could be completely wrong), unless, of coarse, you are putting a modern twist on things! It also felt a little wordy in some places to me. example: “That prejudice had served me well in recent years. But, my bullshit meter was going off, and somehow, this felt like something more.” —maybe it could read like this: That prejudice had served me well in recent years. But, some things in recent past have slipped my better judgment and this has begun to feel like something more. —-think changing up some of the words (unless that is the feel you are going for) and sentence structure could help with the flow.
Here is another place I felt was wordy: “It annoyed me that I couldn’t put my finger on what had me ill at ease.” ——-maybe it could read like this “It left me unsettled that I couldn’t put my finger on it.” Or something like that. I’m a newbie writer and don’t have much experience, I admit, but I do love to read and this was very will put together! (= it was very enjoyable to read, not to mention the sense of mystery in the last sentence! I would definitely keep reading! GREAT hook! And great job! (=
I think with the vast amount of books these days with a female protagonist, I always assume the MC is female unless the language makes it very clear. This would be an important thing to point at the beginning as when he used the name Mr.Ellie I wasn’t sure if he was talking to the MC or someone else. Wizened isn’t a word I often come across and I made a connection to Wizard in my head, so I had to take a second look. This may not be a problem really, but I thought I would mention it anyway.
From “Mr Ellis -,” onwards the story is very well written. It is smooth and easily read. I feel that perhaps some of the sentences are trying to hard previous to that e.g. “the withered old man”, “that prejudice had served me well in recent years.” I feel that they may need a little revision.
Overall, I think that the opening is very well written other than a few bumps. I have interest in both the main character and the withered man. How is he hazarding his life? What is off about the man? I’m intrigued. We also get to learn a little about the two characters in the short amount of words. A very good opening. Good job!
Sarah, amazing opening. I die for your first line. Catchy, interesting, need more.
I love the mention of not trusting in the second line. Again, so interesting.
I actually LOVE that you didn’t put your character’s name in the first line. I like to work for what I get a little and need something to look forward to. I also love that I’m guessing, until the first dialogue line, is your protagonist a male or female. It made me need to keep reading, which is essential for a first page.
Your use of language made this very authentic and I just need more at the end.
Very good job. Hope it continues to be this good 🙂
The storyline sounds interesting and I want to know more about the characters. Here a few suggestions for you to consider: Instead of… on the opposite side of the table consider across from… since in the next paragraph, you state the person is sitting in an overstuffed chair. Perhaps you could describe where these people are meeting. “That prejudice had served me well in recent years.” Unless you explain how this prejudice served the MC, this sentence stops the flow of your story. “Mr. Ellis –,” the wizened man, began. I’m not sure why Mr Ellis is considered wizened. Who considers him wizened? Had the sister been there all along? My overall impressiion is you’re trying to squeeze a lot of angles to your story into 250 words and because of that, the reader cannot connect to the place or characters. Good luck with your story, Sarah
I love this line “But, my bullshit meter was going off, and somehow, this felt like something more.” I was just a bit surprised to know that its a guy, but maybe that’s okay to draw me in and think.. whoa.. that’s interesting. I love love this genre and look forward to one day reading it in print!
This was good, good imagery, and descriptions. Dialog is your friend, even right in the very beginning try to balance the book, equal parts dialog, exposition, description, well maybe a little less description than the other two but it’s not a hard rule. Maybe change the second paragraph around with the first one. Also you mean a reverse Midas touch, a Midas Touch in reverse would turn the tougher to gold. Good stuff though like Robert Ludlum, or John Grisham.
I like this a lot, just a few comments:
I’m confused about the time period. You say eight hour trip over an ocean? To where? From where? On what? Land legs make me think boat, and unless he’s traveling from a close island, it would be a much longer trip to span the entire ocean even in modern times. Is it a plane?
I also thought it was a girl until the Mr. Ellis part.
Also the bullshit seemed really out of place.
And I take back my comment and apologize for not reading eight DAY. I wondered why I was the only one seeing that. I need a nap.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: NA Romance
Hope. It’s a pathetically ironic name. A slap in the face, when it belongs a girl who will never see me as anything more than a friend.
The door to the bar complained as it was pushed open from outside. A gust of bitter fall air whipped in, causing me to turn. I watched a crowd of eight or so squeaky-clean, Harvard brats laugh their way down the stairs and squeeze into one of the red vinyl booths on the front wall. I shook my head in annoyance and pulled a Marlboro from the soft pack in my jacket pocket. They could’ve just danced out of a fucking Gap commercial.
“Mick!” I yelled over the bar, while digging the Bic from the front pocket of my grease-stained jeans. “You got another table. Get off that box and get out here, or Red’s gonna kick your butt into next Tuesday.”
I swallowed the last of my beer and stood up to reach the taps behind the bar, splashing another couple inches into the bottom of my pint glass. The swinging doors to the back room slapped against the plaster wall as she walked into the bar, catching me mid-pour. She rolled those gorgeous green eyes at me with a smile she tried, and failed, to hide.
“Swipe another beer, Cole, and you’re gonna be the one that Red hunts down.”
Her slender hand was fishing around in the pocket of her faded Levi’s for a rubber band. For a second I
Your opening line is really well done. But you may want to use it after making it clear that the protagonist is male. For a second, I thought the narrator is being self deprecating about their own name, had to re-read to understand the context. Although this could just be me!
Also, your protagonist is not the best frame of mind, which is understandable given the context.
But, if he continues to remain in this mood, he may start to come across as whiny.
Overall, you are off to a good start. Good luck with this!
I really love your opening line. I was definitely hooked! I also think you did a good job of introducing us to the main character and who is his. The way he looked at the Harvard kids was great.
My only criticism is that I think that you should clarify that it is Hope that he is speaking to. Maybe add in a “Hope said” at the end of the dialogue. When can assume it’s her but I think it should be written more explicitly.
Hope this is helpful 🙂
Like Nikki, I also thought the MC was being self deprecating about their own name but I think it is cleared up soon enough not to really cause a problem. I really love this first line, but I think it would have a much stronger impact if she was already in the scene, even if it’s not with the MC, it would make more sense why he was referencing her. That’s really all I have to say. I think the rest of it was really well done. It was a nice introduction to the character, his goal and conflict is made clear in the first 3 sentences and sets the story up nicely. The interactions between the characters don’t seem forced – they flow nicely and aren’t overdone at this stage. I can also imagine the scene and the characters action very clearly in my mind. A great opening and great hook. Well done!
Good, really good. I love your style and the characters voice is entertaining. Only things I noticed are, I don’t know if ‘complained’ is a good word, try whined or even squeaked. Just personally I don’t know if a door could be said to complain as such 🙂 But I do like the idea of it. Maybe have’ said the bartender’ or just something to denote who is speaking the bit about swiping the beer. Which is funny. Also just the bit at the end, how does the MC know she’s going for a rubber band specifically. Good, good stuff.
An intriguing opening. Liked that reader is right into the action. Also liked that the protagonist is actually doing something in the scene, makes her look proactive.
However, ‘An object appeared in the glowing headlights’. This made me think of a deer or a dog. Perhaps you can use something else to describe the ‘object’.
I dont know from personal experience, but it seems like a mighty coincidence that she calls 911 and finds a person she knows. Is Sarah a part of law enforcement?
There is no hint of a woman being trapped in the car until Sarah mentions it on the phone. Perhaps you can foreshadow that a bit more.
Also, this scene is a good opportunity to engage all five senses of the reader. Perhaps you can mention if Sarah can smell something near the wreckage. Blood, acrid smell of smoke?
Enjoyed your opening. Good luck with this!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Science Fiction/ Dystopia
The room smells as though it has recently been cleaned, sterile, I think. I cringe at the word as it passes through my thoughts. A word, we as society have become too familiar with.
With a sigh, I slide the chip from around my neck into a microscope, knowing without doubt what I will find. I always come away with a pit in my stomach, after this kind of testing. Hoping, by some sort of miracle this couple will actually have a chance. Images of the sample appear on a screen next to me and I feel an ache in my chest, knowing this result will crush nearly every hope they had for the future.
I take in a deep breath and hold it in my lungs a little longer than necessary. “What’s wrong?” a voice says from the door. Shaking my head, “nothing, just the usual,” I say in a sigh. I take the chip from the microscope then and turn around to face my college and good friend, Dr. Zander Dillan’s. A smile twitches at the corners of his mouth, “”nothing” I can help with,” I lean against the microscope table and fold my arms across my chest. “No, not unless you want to deliver the bad news for me?” He chuckles a little, walking the distance between us. “Let’s take a look,” he says as he inserts his chip into the microscope.
I feel like this opening leaves more questions than it answers. I had a hard time visualizing what you meant by “I slide the chip from around my neck” for example. It is on a string of some sort? Was it in a container? Why is it carried around the neck? Then I had other questions like: How does he/she already know what he/she will find? It is hard to get a feel for a whole story with only 250 words. Perhaps all these questions will be answered later. This is was just my initial reaction. I hope you find it helpful.
Intriguing opening. I really like the hint about their society being too familiar with the word ‘sterile’. Makes me curious.
I am guessing the couple is trying to conceive and the results are negative.
‘Images of the sample appear on a screen next to me ‘ – this is too vague, specific details would invoke more emotions in the reader. What exactly is she looking at?
Also, every time a new person speaks, it is suggested to start a new paragraph.
It is also advised to do away with phrases such as ‘I say in a sigh’. Consider rephrasing it to I sighed.
‘smile twitches at the corners of his mouth’ – this feels like it has been used too often, perhaps you could rephrase it differently to stand out a bit more.
‘walking the distance between us’ – felt a bit awkward to read.
But im def curious to learn more about this world!
Good luck!
I believe I would remove I think in the first sentence. She has smells it so why does she second guess it. What word is she cringing at? Is it sterile?
We as a society, or we in society. Why have we become familiar with the word?
Not sure what this chip is. Is this some kind of fertility test? Cancer perhaps?
I might restructure this sentence:
Shaking my head, I sigh. “Nothing, just the usual.” I say in a sigh doesn’t read right. In my opinion.
College should be colleague I think.
Is Zander’s chip the same thing. It sounds like it is.
Overall this is a bit too vague for me. Perhaps you are not trying to let the cat out of the bag here, but give me a small bone at least.
What is the test they are doing and why is it important to the story.
Definitely very intriguing as this opening raises a lot of questions and doesn’t seem to answer any. I don’t necessarily think this is an issue so long as at least some questions are answered soon after so the reader is not left unsure of anything going on.
I’m curious as to why if she always knows what she will find, why she has the pit in her stomach for this particular couple? Does every couple get bad news or is it something about this couple that means that their results would be predictable?
I think it is a very promising opening, it does not give very much away and so it is a little more hard to give critique when I’m not entirely sure what’s going on. So long as some information is revealed shortly, I think I would continue reading to get to know more.
My first assumption is your MC is a doctor but then I’m confused. A doctor would be familiar with a sterile environment. My second assumption is in this society, couples cannot conceive because of a disease, virus, bug., I’m not sure. Both the MC and Dr. Dillan’s responses seem to trivialize the seriousness of the situation. Perhaps I have this all wrong, but I’m not sure where this story is going? In fairness to you, 250 words is really limiting. Good luck with your story.
I think this could be an interesting story. The opening is a little confusing, I assume the word is ‘sterile’ that she is referring to but it is a little unclear. I agree with Mrs.Rose that you should try to make the chip around their necks a little more clear, what is it that she is seeing in the microscope, describe it to me. Whenever starting dialogue or changing speakers always start a new paragraph. But their is definite potential here.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: New Adult – Out of the Bottle
I feel queasy. A Don La Pardoughi haircut is going to cost me a good chunk of my very first paycheck, but I have to do something about my bald spot. It’s been two whole months since my stitches came out. But so far there’s still no hair, just an ugly red scar. The doctor insists it will grow back. But what if it doesn’t? Every time I think of going through life with a glaring bald spot on back of my head, I get a little panicky, and my mouth goes dry.
“Excuse me, is there a drinking fountain around here somewhere?” I ask the receptionist.
“No, but I can get you some cucumber water if you’d like.”
“Cucumber water?” Come to think of it I haven’t had any vegetables today. “Yes, I’ll take some cucumber water.
I pick up a hair-styling magazine and sit back on the zebra-print couch. An attractive woman on the cover is staring into space. She has a satisfied look, like she just climbed Mount Everest in three-inch heels. Her red hair is attractively windswept (perhaps by a last-minute storm near the summit?) causing her curls to organize themselves around her face in casual perfection.
Maybe I should get my hair cut like hers. It would be nice to look good on a windy day. Plus it would save me time. I could just stick my wet hair out the car window and blow it dry on my way to work.
I really liked your opening.! The humor comes across well and I found smiling a couple of times when reading ‘Cucumber water? Come to think of it I haven’t had any vegetables today.’ , ‘(perhaps by a last-minute storm near the summit?)
I was intrigued by the fact that she had stitches. It raises good story questions.
Hope this helps.Good luck!
Oh, it’s good to hear that you thought the humor came across as I had intended! Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique it Nikki! I very much appreciate your input! 😀
She has a satisfied look, like she just climbed Mount Everest in three-inch heels. OMG I love this line! 🙂 Funny!! and I could really feel the ‘what?’ in cucumber water, like ok, this is weird lol 🙂 nice work!
Laura! I’m so glad you liked it! You got exactly what I was trying to convey! YAY! And thank you so much for taking the time to read it and giving me your feedback. I very much appreciate it!! 😀
I liked it, I thought it was funny. You have a good voice for the character. I don’t read a lot of your genre but I found it interesting I would have kept reading if it had been longer. I feel the opening should be stronger, a little more attention grabbing, but I don’t know your story well enough to suggest anything. I like it though, so keep writing.
Chase, thank you so much for your thoughts. I’m very encouraged to hear that you would keep reading. I will rework that first paragraph again. I think that first paragraph is going to be as much a work in progress as is the whole book! HA!. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and for your suggestion!
I liked the humor too – very funny, especially the satisfied look on the models face, and sticking her head out the window to blow dry her hair on the way to work. 🙂 I found it a little bit jarring to go from the serious matter of stitches to the head to the funny stuff though. It was too abrupt in tone for me. I would also try for a different describer than “I get a little panicky and my mouth goes dry” because that’s a bit of a cliche. Definitely an intriguing start!
Maree, thank you so much for your suggestions. I think you’re right about tone of the first paragraph. I’ll need to rework it and change the tone of it somehow so that it’s more obvious the injury was nothing serious, but she’s just taking it too seriously. And the panicky and dry mouth — I’ll have to think of something a little more original there too. Thank you so much for your suggestions. They are hugely helpful!!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
HISTORICAL FICTION/TIME-TRAVEL
Boulogne-sur-Mer, northern coast of France
Roman pool [converted from a local hot spring]
Near Caligula’s Lighthouse
June 15, 1804 AD
Bayard sighed with relief as he removed his boots. The cool evening air whistling through the open tent flap felt good on his aching feet. He brushed at a smudge on his tunic buttons. Though only a Lieutenant in the Imperial Armee, his sense of duty to the newly crowned Emperor required he present himself as a face of the Revolution whenever he wore this uniform. He hung the splendid blue blazer next to the rest of his clothes and wrapped a towel around his breeches. Picking up a small, handmade frame from atop his kit, he looked into the eyes of the young woman drawn with great care in pencil and ink. It was an excellent likeness. “Ah, Emerald…” he sighed. “Would that I could share the bath with you tonight.” He placed it carefully on the small table, blew out the candle and stepped outside into the evening.
Bayard smiled with pleasure at the coastal breeze as it wafted through the city of tents that made up the Camp of Boulogne. Weaving between the lighted from within white and tan tents, they looked like candles in paper floating down the Seine in their hundreds. ‘I should have the old Roman hot spring to myself tonight,’ he grinned. All the officers had been invited to a ball tonight. ‘It should be just me, the marble
I think this opening is interesting and I have a feeling I would want to read more. However, I think a more powerful opening line would really hook an agent. Something that would establish a connection to the reader.
Hope this helps 🙂
I like the mood you create and I can easily picture the place with the tents, the coast and the cool evening breeze.
In terms of character and action there wasn’t really something that hooked me. It feels like a very relaxed scene without any conflict and I’m not sure whether that’s the best choice for the opening scene. (But perhaps that will come soon – I know 250 words is very limited)
Hope this helps and good luck with your writing! 🙂
Thanks- I’m more attempting to establish a connection with the characters early on. Very quickly we jump down the rabbit hole. 🙂 I’m amazed at how frustrating being restricted to 200-250 words is to make an impression.
I think this a great opening. I agree that there doesn’t seem to be much conflict but if you say it comes very soon then I don’t think it’ll be a problem. I think the historical fiction genre is established very quickly and very well, I understand you can’t necessarily introduce time travel right away. Really my only qualm is that I think “whenever he wore this uniform” should be replaced with “his uniform” as it came across as quite jarring. Other than that, a great intro in my opinion!
Liz- thanks for the ‘this/his’ tip! I’m gonna use that. As for introducing the time travel – I have 3 ‘character sketches’ to put in before we head down the rabbit hole. That section was 4300 words, it’s now 1800. I’ve also rearranged the order to increase the pacing. All of this has brought up some issues I’m going to have to discuss on the main board. Thanks for your crit!
I also meant to say that the very first opening line didn’t hook me. I don’t think a sigh of relief isn’t very gripping or original, but this could be fairly easy to fix.
I get that – but… I’ve got a guy who’s preparing to jump into a hot tub by himself. Action lines just didn’t come to mind! 😦 That being said – I *am* trying to establish a character bond with the audience. Perhaps my hope that the regular reader would understand the joy a soldier feels at taking off his boots at the end of the day is going too far – though I guarantee you any vet is going to identify with this guy immediately! 😉 Thanks again.
I have to agree with a few of the comments already here. Opening line is a little weak. It’s very normal. Try and go for something more creative, more catchy to really hook your readers. Other than that, great job making this seem authentic. Very good word choice and the setting is amazing.
Thanks for dropping by! I appreciate everybody’s comments. I you’d like to read more, just drop me a line…. 😉
A man sighing at the removal of his boots doesn’t grab me. What does grab me is that he is the face of the Revolution when he wears his uniform. Suggestion: Start off with this fact and weave in how tired he is. Is he speaking a foreign language when he says, “Would that I could share….? Instead of telling us Bayard smiled with pleasure, Show us. Example: The brisk, cool breeze tickled the hairs in his nostrils….or something like that. Up to now, we have a whole lot of telling and not much showing. Weaving between the lighted from within white and tan tents, doesn’t make sense to me. I like the imagery of the candles. Example: The hundred tents flickered like sky lanterns floating across the Seine….or something like that. ‘I should have the old Roman hot spring to myself tonight,’ he grinned . If he’s talking, you’d have to say “he said”. Good luck with your story,
Sharon- Interesting take… I’ll fiddle with changing the sentence order and see how it feels.
‘Would that…’ – he’s French. I’m American. This may sound old school/schmaltzy, but when we think of our sweethearts, sometimes we get wistful [hmmm… maybe I should throw the word ‘wistful’ in there?]. 😉
I’m going to take another look at the tents thing – I like your suggestion.
Watch out – EVERYBODY – a lot of folk’s ‘thought balloons’ aren’t being being formatted into italics. Ellen is being overwhelmed with pieces to post and doesn’t have time to walk through and do the formatting for us. Gotta love this kid for taking on this amazing project! Thanks, Ellen!
I really love this when I got to critique it 🙂 The descriptions are really great and I can’t wait to read the rest 🙂
Thanks, Laura – you can’t wait nearly as bad as I can’t wait to get the rest of your crit! 😉
Good imagery, and I like the feel you are creating with the tone, and mood of the story. I find that I like this guy. Whenever you begin dialogue you need to start a new paragraph, and when switching speakers. Maybe move the really awesome description you have to the very beginning it’s good writing you should show it off, the coastal breeze….hundreds. It was all good not just that bit, but that really stood out to me as succinct. Good work.
Thanks for the crit, Chase! I appreciate your perspective. I get what you’re saying about the dialogue, but I’ve found that [especially when the dialogue isn’t between two characters] putting it in different places in the paragraph where it FEELS more NATURAL works well for my narration style. I’m not an English major, so I’m sure I’m probably breaking a number of rules I don’t even know exist – so, I REALLY appreciate when folks point these out to me. It gives me something to search and LEARN. Thanks, Buddy! 😉
I agree with the feedback you’ve received — I think you could have a lot stronger opening and while it’s obviously hard to tell from such a short sample, I think you’re starting in the wrong place. Perhaps something remarkable is going to happen at the baths? If so, I’d start with your character already in the hot springs.
I’d cut the “cool evening air whistling through…” or “Bayard smiled with pleasure at the coastal breeze…” Too much wind. 🙂 I’m not a fan of the picking up a photo/drawing and thinking out loud to drop information to the reader trope, so I’d personally cut that. I don’t like characters sighing either.
I’m very intrigued by the MC has the “face of the revolution” and I’d much rather hear more about that then Emerald or his trip to the hot springs.
Maree – interestingly enough, I attempted to start at the point where the boys come out the rabbit hole [the character intros – which is one of three you’re reading – were originally prologues and I lead with the opening chapter where ‘the remarkable thing’ you mentioned happened]. Almost everybody complained because nobody understood what was going on and how they got there. Ellen put me strait that I needed to start with the prologues [but prologues are bad] so I dropped the title ‘prologue’ and just started the story where it starts. I cut 60% of the intros, trying to ease the characters into the hearts of my readers. I’m obviously going to have to rethink that strategy… Thank you for being honest in your gut reaction – I need to hear that!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Fantasy/Supernatural
Arden pulled at the window furiously, but it refused to open. Come on, she thought, her eyebrows furrowing together, frustrated that she couldn’t even be sure whether it was locked or just jammed closed. She had tried everything. She had pushed it, pulled it, wiggled it from side to side and she was pretty sure she was about to try punching it too, just to get some sort of satisfaction. She desperately needed a gulp of fresh air that wasn’t as stale as the atmosphere inside. Noah, sensing her irritation appeared by her side and pushed his snout into the back of her knee where her legs were twisted from sitting on the windowsill, rubbing his furry cheek against her leg. Arden sighed, pulling her hands from the window to scratch him behind the ears. If she was feeling cooped up, she couldn’t even begin to imagine how felt. They had been in this room for over a week a now and the only exercise he was getting was the same, repetitive meander around the house as Arden tried to familiarize herself with her new home. Home. It certainly didn’t feel like home, even after what must have been approaching at least 50 laps. Arden let out a huff of breath, jumped onto her feet and walked over to her bed with determination. “Right. That’s it. They can’t keep us here” she exclaimed aloud to Noah, picking up his florescent guiding harness. “We’re going out.”
I should maybe note that as this is my first draft I haven’t formatted or done a thorough grammar check yet, but any critique or feedback on it isn’t unwelcome 🙂
I like the conflict that you started with. I also like that Arden doesn’t just sit on her bed, feeling sorry for herself. I had a bit trouble imagining her twisted legs, but just could be me. I don’t really understand why Noah is there with her (don’t get me wrong, I love dogs!). It’s just, if she’s held against her will why would her captives let her keep the dog. Oh and I wasn’t sure at first was it a cat or a dog. Great for a first draft, much better than mine 😉 Good luck 🙂
I like that you started with conflict. It’s a good way to hook your readers.
In this line, “she couldn’t even begin to imagine how felt” I think you forgot to put the noun. I’m thinking…How WHO felt?
Also it could be just me, but I didn’t get what animal it was until the very end so maybe you could revise it and put it somewhere in the beginning?
Hope this helps.
overall, this was interesting. the only thing I would suggest is to clarify and choose your adjectives wisely. this part of the image was a little unclear and I think it is because of the adjective used: ” of her knee where her legs were twisted from sitting on the windowsill” “twisted”, didn’t feel like the right word as I don’t have a clear picture of the way she is sitting— though maybe that is not so important to the story. Also, maybe there is a way you could explain a bit more of what is going on, I think your hook maybe a bit stronger if so. ha ha you are more than welcome to disregard this ha ha. also, thought I should point out, I think you are missing a word right here: “she couldn’t even begin to imagine how felt.” anyway, I love that you have an animal friend as your sidekick! not many people do that! makes it unique! (=
My first impression is Arden is being held captive in a tiny room with Noah. Noah, I’m assuming is a dog.. The reader has no idea why they are being held. Is Arden blind? Has she done fifty laps around the room to walk the dog? Why, all of a sudden, does she think she can escape the room if she hasn’t been able to for a week? And yet, she calls this home? You need to provide the reader with more information about Arden and the circumstances by which she finds herself in a room for a week. Not bad for a first draft. Good luck with your story.
The only suggestion I have is that this line “and she was pretty sure she was about to try punching it too,” The “pretty sure” throws me off. She’s done all these things but she’s just sitting there and is only pretty sure she’s going to try punching it? Maybe and she was about to try punching it too…” Great story! Good luck!
I’m a sucker for dog stories! 🙂 Arden seems to try very hard to open the window, and then just gives up, leaving me to wonder why she spent so much time trying and why I had to watch her. I thought she was a prisoner at first. Either she should be able to open the window (maybe just a crack so Noah can put his snout out?), or cut down the effort it takes for her try to an get it open. I agree with the other feedback too – if Arden is vision impaired, you could state this immediately.
I love the names you’ve chosen. I used both of these in one of mine, too!
I saw that some saw this as a case of her being held against her will and her trying to get out the window. I took it as her staying somewhere that is supposed to be her new home, but they won’t let her out on her own, maybe to protect her. And she justs wants fresh air, not to get out the window. Maybe I got it all wrong.
I totally missed the clues that she couldn’t see. When I read it a second time, I was able to see it (no pun intended).
I assume Noah is a dog? Snout made me think of a pig, but that wouldn’t be likely. Haha. Maybe slip the word dog in there somewhere. Also, I’d just say that Noah nudged her leg and leave out the description of the position of her legs.
I’m intrigued by this, but I wonder if it’s a little too subtle? I know you don’t want to dumb it down for the reader, but for us all to have such different takes on what’s going on might mean it needs just a little more to clue us in. I do like this character and how she decides to go out despite the fact that “they” don’t want her to. Always love an animal sidekick, too. You have a nice writing style here. Good luck with it.
Since the critiques are now over, this is pretty much exactly right. She is blind and has had to move in with her distant family elsewhere who haven’t really allowed her to do anything, especially by herself, in an attempt to protect her. She doesn’t feel protected but instead feels patronized and trapped because in her old home she was very independent and confident in her ability to do almost anything a sighted person could do. She loves the outdoors and just wanted some fresh air from the window, but in failing that decided to go out with her guide dog, Noah, instead. Something her new family would never allow her to do.
Thank you all for your feedback! I definitely have a few revisions to make. I think making it clear that she is blind (and that Noah is her guide dog) from the beginning may help people to get a better grasp of what is going on. Perhaps some rewording of awkward sentences or phrases too.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
I watched them from across the room, hands in my pockets, my fists two weapons.
The woman my eyes were on didn’t see me. She was too busy smiling and flirting with her new friend. He was dressed professional with a briefcase by his side. Suit jacket unbuttoned. Could’ve been my age, might’ve been older. Hard to tell.
They were in her small office, the door wide open.
I waited. Watched. Evaluated.
Carter said something to him, something I couldn’t hear and then she leaned forward and opened her body to him. They hugged, their bodies touching, didn’t let go of each other for a while.
Then she kissed him on the cheek.
Something inside me crashed.
I swallowed and looked away. There was only so much of that I could take.
I looked up and the man wearing the tailored suit came out and faced me. We stood man to man, eye to eye. More like eye to shoulder.
Up close he looked more like thirty. Couldn’t have been more than five-seven. Ryan Seacrest with a bad metabolism, most of his weight in his midsection. Not unattractive, but not the kind of man that most women wanted to marry and reproduce with. Women were superficial that way. Wanted to have children with good-looking men so that they could have good-looking babies. Carter wasn’t most women.
He nodded once. I nodded back.
As we passed, I smelled the scent of cologne mixed with hints of perfume. Carter’s perfume.
Genre: Contemporary romance
On a first quick read I had a hard time grasping the situation. I didn’t really get an idea who these people were. One reason might be, because in the first few sentences they’re just generally labeled as “woman” and “her new friend”. Then, when I read “Carter” I didn’t immediately register that that was the woman.
That said, I think this could be a really strong scene for an opening, because it introduces the main characters (I’m assuming, since it’s a romance, that the woman is his romantic interest) in an emotionally difficult situation, which many readers will probably be able to relate to. It certainly leaves me wanting to know more about what has already happened and will happen between these characters.
Good luck with this! 🙂
I found that there was quite a lot in this opening that was quite jarring to read. The sentences were all very short and choppy, which I’m not sure the scene warranted. Because of this I felt like there should be a lot of action or suspense going on. Some phrases also didn’t sound quite right e.g. the woman my eyes were on didn’t see me. We should already know your eyes are on her, because otherwise how would you know? Just ‘the woman didn’t see me’ should be fine. ‘Her new friend’ also sounds a bit strange. If it’s her new friend why does she hug him for so long and why does something inside the MC crash when he sees her kiss him on the cheek? Does new friend just mean the next “friend” in a line of men? I think this could be made clearer.
I think there’s a lot of potential for this opening. I think the main focus should be the flow of the writing, as the characters and situation seem very interesting.
I’m not sure if I’m supposed to dislike this character, but I certainly do after his sexist comments about women which is a problem if he’s your hero. For that reason, I probably wouldn’t keep reading. I thought Carter was a man at first. It’s a good name (I love unusual names) but I think you’re going to have to explain more clearly that Carter is the woman here. This is really unusual opening for a romance. If I didn’t see your genre, I would think it was a thriller or detective story. I loved the “Ryan Seacrest with a bad metabolism” describer!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
EPIC DARK FANTASY
Chapter 1
DISCOVERY
Thrajan studied the skittering beetle closely. There seemed no apparent pattern to its frenetic attempts to escape the glass box imprisoning it. Had it been alive, anyone would have mistaken its random movements for those of a living bug flitting about a candle on a swamp rat’s porch.
But there was no light, and the beetle had been dead for three years.
Thrajan checked the glowing compass in his left hand for the hundredth time. The charmed crystal pointer glowed a dull red as it swung back and forth in a tight arc. He held the compass just above the glass box so he could watch both the pointer and the beetle.
‘THERE!’ His mind cried in triumph as the beetle twitched and danced the same as the pointer. The synchronization only lasted a few seconds, but Thrajan had been watching the two in the bottom of his little skiff for years.
His patience had paid off. The young necromancer controlled his breathing, willing his heart to stop pounding. Now was not the moment to throw away years of training. Quickly he tossed a small anchor into the murky delta water to keep the boat from drifting.
Patience had come hard to Thrajan. The burning desires that drove him had made the study of sorcery equal parts joy and frustration. His master, Nazreat, had seen the potential in him as a small boy, purchasing the orphan from swamp people at the age of six.
The opening is good. A zombie beetle. You got my attention.
From there however, I get confused
The paragraph show the beetle moving around on its own and then it moves with the help of the crystal. Not sure what is going on. This looks to be important but you might want to move it from the beginning so you can give a better explanation. Perhaps I am off base, don’t know.
I would take out ( his mind cried in triumph) There! is sufficient to portray his emotion.
This beetle has been at the bottom of his skiff for three years. Would it not rot away?
I feel like this jumps around a bit to much, making it hard to discern what is going on.
I am hooked but you haven’t reeled me in yet.
Wow! That caught me by surprise! Never had anyone think that the Beetle was controlled by the compass.
Thanks for the Zombie Beetle line. It was a fun place to open with. [It don’t rot – undead are handled differently in my world].
I see your point in dropping the triumph part – thanks. Appreciate your feedback.
In general I liked it, and would be interested enough to read further. Agree with the previous comment about ‘his mind cried out in triumph’
I found the following sentence “The synchronization only lasted a few seconds, but Thrajan had been watching the two in the bottom of his little skiff for years.” to be a little clunky, but everything else read well. Something like, “The synchronization had only lasted a few seconds, but it was still a sweet triumph after the last two years.”
Thanks, Far! If you’d like to read more, don’t hesitate to email me directly – cehendrix@sbcglobal.net – and I’ll be happy to oblige! 😉 Already dropped the excess ‘triumph’ – it DOES work better. Not sure about the synchronization line – I’ll have to mull that over, thanks for pointing out what doesn’t work for you – that’s info we can use. Appreciate your crit! 😉
I liked this section pretty much, over all it flows well for me and your voice is nice and easy to read, my only point as to try to help point out tiny little nit-picking things, it surprised me to suddenly find out he was on some sort of boat, as I automatically imagined it on land to start of with (it did not spoil the experience thought), my only other nit-picking point was the compass as for me compasses seem to be very cliché so if you could change that object to something ells more original that would do the same job id encourage you to do so, put like I said I’m really nit-picking.
Good job over all and it makes me want more. ^_^”
Thanks for reading my stuff, Coley. Never apologize for nit-picking. Even if you love a piece, there’s always a critique in their somewhere. I thrive on nit-picks because it always give my next edit a new ‘pair of eyes’ to look at it through. There’s no such thing as a bad opinion here! You rock, kid!
I think the opening is good, It reads and flows well, but I think that possibly the reader might need a little bit more information to know what is truly going on. Whilst I enjoyed the writing style I did feel that I had to read it two or three times to mostly understand what was happening.
I also think that “had it been alive” is not the right the right phrase. If it was alive it wouldn’t mistake it for an alive bug because it WOULD be an alive bug. Perhaps consider instead “had it not been dead”.
I am also curious the part the bug has to play. Is this just something to show what Thrajan is capable of, or will it continue or build throughout the story?
Overall, a good opening and sounds like it could be an interesting plot.
Liz- Thanks for reading! Will look again at the difference you point out on alive/dead. The ‘Zombie Beetle’ is just a cool idea that popped into my brain as a hook for the opening. Thrajan is an evil dude – but very creative – hence the Beetle. Thank you again!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Contemporary fiction
His waitress reminded him of his ex-wife; the way she’d come to him, smiling and willing and beautiful, and just when he’d get used to her being there, she’d slip away and leave him for someone else.
Bruno was downtown at an independent café. Small place. Wooden floors. Exposed brick walls. No more than eight tables, the place mostly filled with couples and NYU students with laptops. He sipped his espresso and looked at the artwork on the walls, cliché, hipster life-affirming slogans like “carpe fucking diem” and “live loud”. Then he frowned. He was starting to get impatient. Hated when people wasted his time, especially a woman.
He was wearing what he always wore. Custom-made suit. Colorful silk tie. Italian shoes. His watch was Moinet, the Swiss designer who had designed watches for Napoleon Bonaparte, Thomas Jefferson, and the Russian Tsar Alexander I. Better than Rolex. Better than Cartier. Much better.
A young woman came to his table. She was wearing high heels, shoes that added at least four inches to her curvy frame, expensive shoes with red on the bottoms. Her highlighted hair was pulled back and pinned up, wrapped around in a tight bun. Professional. But what she was wearing, it was distracting. A simple red dress, but on her it looked anything but simple.
He had known her for three years but they had rarely met in person. She looked as beautiful as she did the last time he saw her.
I love the comparison of his ex-wife to the waitress! Very fitting and tells us something about him and his past.
I also like how you create the atmosphere of the café and I get a very good sense of his character. I think the choppy style with sentence fragments conveys his mood (and character, if that’s how he always is) very well, but I’m not sure whether it might become exhausting if it stays like this.
(I made a comment on your other opening about how I couldn’t grasp the situation at first. I think that could have something to do with this choppy style, as well – forgot to mention that in the other critique.)
Love the opening line. Good stuff.
Wasn’t expecting the f-bomb. That’s an immediate red light for me [not for everybody].
“Hated when people…” and “But what she was…” These felt like partial sentences.
In all your opening has a very distinct NOIR feel to it. I felt like I was listening to the narrator in a 40’s gumshoe movie – great stuff.
I am a bit unsure about this one. I am in two minds about the opening. I like the comparison to his ex-wife but I don’t really like the weight put on it; the waitress isn’t leaving him for someone else, she’s just leaving her job to go home to her partner (I think?).
You also need to be cautious about timey words like “when” “then” “began” “suddenly”. The sentence “then he frowned. He was starting to get impatient” doesn’t sound right. Perhaps “he frowned, impatiently.” “he frowned, feeling impatient” or “he frowned, looking at his watch” would be better.
I am also unsure how I am meant to feel towards the MC, particularly his comment about women. Is that a trait he has or something he will later overcome? It makes me dislike him slightly.
Overall, I think it is a good opening. My biggest suggestion would be to try and do more showing and less telling.
I agree with Liz’s feedback re: the waitress. I see what you’re trying to do, but it doesn’t work because as Liz said, the waitress is just doing her job. Is all of the information about the watch necessary to hear in the first few paragraphs? I see that you’re showing us this is a man who demands the best, but if the information about his watch isn’t absolutely necessary for us to know on the first page, I would move it elsewhere. I would also remove those qualifiers. For example, “No more than eight tables, the place mostly filled with couples and NYU students with laptops” the word “mostly” should be removed. I don’t like the MC very much in this sample, and I personally don’t keep reading if I don’t connect with the MC. This might very well be your intention, but it’s a bit off-putting to me as a reader. I liked the descriptions of the hipster coffee-shop!
What a great opening! It really tells me about how he feels about his ex without an info dump!. Great lines here 🙂 I enjoyed it!
To start of with I connected very easily with the MC in this beginning though I must say I didn’t find him very likeable, witch is fine if that is what your going for, as he seams a bit bitter after being scorned by his ex-wife, so on that I applaud you.
The waitress thing I think needs some clarifications to allude that she leaves him to serve other tables, as I believe he sees the waitresses split attention to her clients as an illustration of his ex-wife loyalty.
When it comes to the short phrases I find them very uncomfortable not cuss of them being short but because in reality they are just a list that would flow better with simple comers instead of full stops and to me feel like punctuation mistakes.
Over all I think its a promising beginning and it definitely identifies the MC and his mental state, I liked the Café and like mentioned before I also find the “F” word off-putting but if that sort of language is going to be apparent throw all the story then I think its a good place to have it as its up front, if its not however, id advise moving it as it gives the feeling I maybe reading the “F” word semi regularly.