Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Sorry, I realize after reading so many submissions, I should have posted the prologue, the opening from the genre guess game, instead of Chapter One.
Genre: Adventure Travel
Prologue
To: Mailing List
Date: January 4th,
From: Sharon, John and Rex – The Crazy Canucks
Subject: Somewhere in the Madre del Sur mountain range in Mexico
Bob Dylan’s tune, Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door popped into my thoughts as I’m gnawing at my fingernails; a sign I should distract myself, save what’s left of my cuticles, and write.
Now, as John and I sit parked on the edge of a twenty-five foot precipice, I’m wondering why I ever let him talk me into RVing into the depths of Mexico? Behind us, five vehicles, overflowing with rambunctious Mexicans, fill the airwaves with screams and cheers. To our right, the reason for our plight, a collapsed bridge, a mudslide, I suspect. To the front of us, a ninja-clad military-type (from this distance, I can’t tell if the figure is female or male) is balanced in the trunk of a red pick-up truck bed. Soon, we will be coaxed to cross a ten-car-length, give or take, two-plank metal contraption resembling a make-shift bridge. To my left, John looks more like a crazed Christopher Walken on heroine than a man secure in his ability to maintain his sanity while balancing us on a high-wire.
If you receive this message it’s because this story is included in my weekly trip-around-Mexico briefing and I’m basking in the sun with a piña Colada in hand, or you’ve been contacted by a Mexican official (just know I haven’t sold your contact information) because we’ve plunged.
Wow! It really held my interest. I want to know who these people are. I have a question, why did you include the song? Will it have meaning? if not, you can just start with the gnawing of nails. The last paragraph has me confused. If you are sending it out to a list serve won’t they automatically get it and you might not be in the sun with a drink but still on that bridge?
Hi Sue….thanks for critiquing my prologue. I wanted the reader to get the sense that the decision we had to make was a life and death situation, so the song title. I may take your suggestion and take it out. Sharon is writing with pen and paper heheheh. (I wrote long-hand notes then transferred them to the computer This is the next paragraph…..
“What are you doing?”
At the time of John’s screech, or the pounding of his fist on the steering wheel, or Rex’s guttural howl from the back seat, the pen flew from my outstretched fingers.
“I’m writing an email to our family and friends . . .”
If you still have questions, I would love to answer them. Thanks again.
Hi Sharon. You’re right that prologue was needed 🙂 I especially like this description: ” To the front of us, a ninja-clad military-type” 🙂 it’s simple but yet creative. I like your style of writing, I could learn few tricks from you 🙂 Good luck with finishing your series 🙂
Thanks Justyna. Your kind words brought a smile to my face.
I’m going to break the trend here and say I had trouble following this. Right at the end you finally reveal that she’s teetering on the edge writing a farewell message to her round-Mexico blog subscribers at the same time as gnawing her nails to the quick and thinking about Bob Dylan. It seems to me that you’ve defied logic, common sense and the laws of physics to end up on the edge with, for some unknown reason, screaming Mexicans, ninja types and weird balancing trucks.
All of this, I would suggest, because you have told the story the wrong way round. Why not begin where you end? First line: “If you receive this message you have contacted by a Mexican official because we have PLUNGED OFF THIS PRECIPICE!”
If I read that I’d rub my hands with glee and look forward to a sparkling novel about a couple’s misadventures in Mexico, because that is what I see in potential here. But don’t have her calmly write it. Have her scream it into a mobile phone. Have her leave the mother of all messages as they teeter there, then write it in your own voice as if you were making that call. And I promise you, she wouldn’t be thinking about Bob Dylan. She would be in the middle of an hysterical panic. Twenty five feet is a long drop. In an RV, it might kill you. From your point of view as writer, what’s wrong with panic? Isn’t that good?
How you got there is backstory, so tell us later. What we care about is what you should care about: how are you going to get out of this? Presumably you know, or as writer you wouldn’t have put yourself there. So if you tell the story this way round, you have a great opening to a potentially great travel novel. We love to read stories about people messing up abroad. You should play on that and give this long-suffering couple, so clearly in love, mishap after mishap. We’ll eat it up.
I’ve gone through your script with more detailed comments below. Some of them may seem harsh too, but it’s easy to be nice and not critique anything. We’re in a critique workshop. I think you need to see how important it is to be correct about details. They must be spot on if your words are going to be printed a million times. Here goes:
To: Mailing List
Date: January 4th,
From: Sharon, John and Rex – The Crazy Canucks
Subject: Somewhere in the Madre del Sur mountain range in Mexico
Bob Dylan’s tune, Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door popped into my thoughts (((we’re in the present tense, so this should be “pops”. Does a tune pop into your thoughts, or into your head? Surely the words pop into your thoughts, but the tune is a sound and requires no thought at all. The tune pops into your head but the words pop into your thoughts, so you have to choose one or the other))) as I’m gnawing at my fingernails; (((could just be me, but I hate semicolons. 99 per cent of the time a writer who uses a semicolon should have used a full stop. You could start a new sentence here with “It’s”))) a sign I should distract myself, save what’s left of my cuticles, and write.
(((Distract yourself from what? Dylan? Heaven’s Door? Your Nails? Writing? How does distracting yourself make you want to write? Surely if you’re distracted you don’t write. How can you have been gnawing at your fingernails when you’re worried about saving what’s left of your cuticles? Have you gnawed away all the nails in this one paragraph?)))
Now, as John and I sit parked on the edge of a twenty-five foot precipice (((right on the edge? Your front tyres are on the edge? One nudge and the front wheels go over? If not, you’re parked near the edge.))), (((no need for this comma))) I’m wondering why I ever let him talk me into RVing into the depths of Mexico?
(((The question mark should be a full stop. RVing sounds wrong to me, and RVing into anywhere doesn’t sound right either. How about “bringing the RV into the depths of Mexico. If you want to make it clear you’re living in it, then just add a word that implies that: cramped, comfy etc.)))
Behind us, five vehicles, overflowing with rambunctious Mexicans, fill the airwaves with screams and cheers.
(((They’re on the radio? If not, they fill the air. This sentence is too laboured and should be two. “Behind us are five vehicles overflowing with Mexicans. They fill the air with screams and cheers.” Because you’re showing us they scream and cheer, you don’t need to tell us they’re rambunctious. What are the vehicles? Are they trucks? Lorries? Open top cars? Motorcycles? If you leave me to guess, I’ll choose tanks. Five tanks overloaded with screaming, cheering, Mexicans, rumbling straight towards your RV, which is teetering on the edge of a precipice. No wonder you’re biting your nails and thinking about Heaven.)))
To our right, the reason for our plight, (((so you are teetering on the edge after all? If not, you need to have made that clear earlier. Drop the commas, add “is” and a full colon – “To our right is the reason for our plight:” Right and plight rhyme, so one of them has to be replaced))) a collapsed bridge, (((full stop))) a mudslide, I suspect.
(((Why are you teetering on the edge of a precipice when the reason for your plight is a collapsed bridge on your right? Did it collapse under you and somehow throw you sideways but you were lucky enough to land on the wheels right at the edge?)))
To the front of us, (((is, no comma))) a ninja-clad (((a ninja is an assassin and you can’t wear one. You can be a military type who resembles a ninja, but to do that you’d have to be dressed all in black with a black hood and an eyeslit))) military-type (((two words))) (from this distance, I can’t tell if the figure is female or male) (((This is a new sentence. You don’t need the brackets.))) (((He or she))) is balanced in the trunk of a red pick-up truck bed.
(((How can this military type ninja impersonator be in front of you when your RV is on the edge of a precipice? Are your back wheels on the edge? Were you somehow thrown sideways and flipped over when the bridge collapsed, but landed on your wheels backwards, facing inland? What is the trunk of a truck bed? How can you be balanced in the trunk? Are they on a trapeze?)))
Soon, we will be coaxed to cross a ten-car-length, give or take, two-plank metal contraption resembling a make-shift bridge.
(((In other words, it’s a makeshift bridge. Why not say that? How do you know it’s ten car lengths long? Have you been over it before? How can a bridge be made of two planks of metal? One left and one right for the left and right tyres? What about vehicles of different widths? Ten car lengths long? Where’s its support? Wouldn’t it collapse in the middle under the weight of the first truck? Planks are made of wood. Sheets are made of metal. Is this two-plank bridge made of wood or metal?)))
To my left, John looks more like a crazed XXXXXXXXXXX on heroine than a man secure in his ability to maintain his sanity while balancing us on a high-wire.
(((People on heroin – no e, that’s a female hero – are not crazy and heroin does not make them crazed. It makes them drowsy and docile. When they need a fix they sweat a lot and become very agitated, but still they are not crazy. XXXXXXXXXX is a wonderful actor who is never crazed, unless he’s acting the part of a crazy man, which is not often, so why pick on him? What you’ve written is borderline libel so let’s point out the fact that you were writing fiction and made a mistake in your imagination. Why are you balanced on a high wire? Is it something to do with that person balanced on the trunk of the truck bed?)))
If you receive this message it’s because this story is included in my weekly trip-around-Mexico briefing and I’m basking in the sun with a piña Colada in hand, or you’ve been contacted by a Mexican official (just know I haven’t sold your contact information) because we’ve plunged.
(((Please see my comments at the top.)))
Wow! This critique was great, Tim! I would love it if you could share your thoughts on my first page, too! In the mean time, I’ll try to find yours. It won’t be as detailed as yours was for Sharon, but I will try to say something constructive.
Thanks very much. I worry that people will think I am harsh or mean because I go into the nitty gritty, including errors, but I only do that because I like what I see and want to help the writer. I don’t like to critique what doesn’t interest me, in case I am wrong. And of course I can’t attempt everyone’s at that length. But if anyone gets my terrier treatment, it’s only because I like it a lot!
Okay, I understand. I’ve read a few first pages that were good but that I didn’t really know what to say, so I don’t take it personally when others think that way about mine. I also refrained from commenting on some people’s first page because others had already said why I thought about their texts.
Anyway, I’ll still be checking out your first page even if you don’t feel you have anything to say about mine! ^_^
English Tim,
I have to compliment you on your great eye for detail, inconsistencies, big picture ideas, etc. That was a very thorough critique.
Sue
Hi Alexa and Sue,
Thank you both for your comments. Alexa, I have left a critique for you. I must tell you I have no first page to post. Ellen’s lectures revealed that my chapter one was in fact chapter two. What A SHOCK. But how wonderful to be able to fix that, from scratch. Ellen has done me a big favour. Boot Camp ROCKS. When I highlight your errors, please remember that I made a huge one. Hope you like the critique. All the best to you both.
Tim
Tim – never apologize for catching typos. I consider all typos caught in any of my mss as little gifts!
English Tim, thank you for a most comprehensive critique. Your honesty and the time you spent on my submission is greatly appreciated. Why am I writing? I write to distance myself from the situation. I can’t call anybody because there’s no phone service. The reason I’m not screaming and yelling is because we’ve driven through a harrowing six hour mountain road. I’m numb and I dare not cause any more stress to my normally calm English husband.,heheheh. After reading through your notes, I realize I’m not making my points clear enough. So I’ll work on that. ..If you’re interested in taking a look at more of my manuscript, please let me know and I’ll email it to you.
Hi Sharon,
I’m glad you welcome the critique and I see your point. Even though she is powerless except to write a message, then I would still ask you to consider my suggestion for your first line. Also, have you noticed how succinct your reply is? You’ve organised your thoughts about your novel very clearly. I think you should do exactly that when you are writing. It will empower you. Unfortunately my time is very limited. I want to finish Boot Camp, follow everything Ellen writes and support her wonderful website, but beyond that I don’t want to make any commitments. I’m sure you understand.
All the best
Tim
Understood. I haven’t come across your story for a return critique but then spotted your comment about the Opening being your second chapter. I’m not sure if I’ll start with the prologue or at Chapter 1…Entering Mexico. So I know how you feel.hehehe
Hi Sharon! Very elegantly and originally written! I am going to assume that the email portion and the actual ‘writing portion’ are easier to differentiate on the actual word document from which you wrote them on, because on the post I had to reread it to do so. This is a very interesting story you have! It kept me interested if that counts for anything! A next step might be to explain the beginning a bit better? This writing style feels familiar and I may have read its prologue in the genre guessing game– when I pair what I remember with what you have posted its still slightly hard for me to connect to your main character. (Although I may be remembering someone else ‘s prologue and I am mistakenly thinking its yours! So, at the point I think I am rambling, but overall I loved it! Well done and feel free to ask if you have any questions 🙂
Thanks joshuagrayer. Thank you for your critique. I use writing as a distraction from the situation we find ourselves in. It seems I need to clarify.
It’s really great, you are writing your character with a really distinct voice, and you’re doing a good job at conveying info dump, it feels really engaging and I want to read more of the scene, although nothing is really happening! I wish I had something else to say or some more of a tip to give off, but I just… Well, I might have gotten a little skeptic with the beginning. If I was picking up a book to read, and not a prologue to critique, I’d probably roll my eyes at the song title being the beginning. But after reading more, I see it kind of fits in with the rest, and that’s shown quite quickly, so I think you’re okay!
Thanks for your critique Darnika. I might dump the song idea and explain the emotional aspects of our situation. Perhaps i’ll do this through dialogue, not sure. hehe
The email info at the top is a clever way to introduce the characters and setting.
The first sentence tripped me up a bit. I get what you’re trying to say, but the sentence is constructed in a such a way that it was hard for me to follow on the first reading.
The description of the chaos surrounding the RV is great. I can really picture all of this.
The bridge sentence seems a like it has too many words describing it.
Love, love the description of John. That’s genius! It made me laugh.
This is an interesting premise, and I like the voice. Good job!
Thanks for the critique Julie. Several people have pointed out the first sentence is confusing. I have to work on it.
You’ve done a great job of piquing my interest and I’m curious about these characters and learning more about their experiences.
A couple of thoughts… why is there a comma after January 4th? Is your intention to put a year there? I don’t know that I need to know what year it is, but that dangling comma really bothered me. In your first line, I think the song needs to ‘pop’ into your MC’s head since they’re in the present tense with the ‘gnawing’ of the fingernails. I know that you’re trying to show the noise level with the five vehicles but the way the sentence is written makes it sound as if the vehicles fill the airwaves when actually it’s the rambunctious Mexicans in the vehicles. If you could switch that sentence around a bit I think it would make more sense. Something like “Five vehicles are lined up behind us, overflowing with rambunctious Mexicans who are filling the air with their screams and cheers.” I also don’t think you need to use the word trunk when describing the pick up. To the best of my knowledge pick ups don’t have trunks, they just have beds so I think you can just say “balanced in the bed of a red pick-up truck.” Hopefully you’ve caught the typo about the heroine vs. heroin.
I’m not sure about the last part. I know it’s hard to critique when we just get this itty bitty piece. From your comments to another reviewer it sounds like your MC is writing an email but with pen and paper. I just don’t get how she’d be able to send it. If they do plunge they will most likely die and she will have never sent the email since they probably don’t have wifi and she’s writing it on paper anyways, right? If they don’t plunge then she’ll probably send it the next time they stop somewhere with internet so the immediate threat of death is over. I like what you’re doing but maybe it needs to be a journal entry or something else. Hopefully that makes sense.
I definitely like your premise and you do a great job of painting the scene. You’ve got a lot going on in your opening and I think it’s going to be an interesting story.
Sorry, I just realized I posted my comment under my other email… the comment above is actually from me!
Kimaowen, thanks a lot for your critique.
I loved the last line and the fact that your story builds to that point, from the email forward. You do a great job with the tone, which describes something precarious, but also is the voice of someone who is on vacation and kicking around in an RV. Freewheeling, but momentarily scared, yet, still able to wisecrack. If you are telling in present tense (always tricky, IMHO), it would be “pops”, not popped. I’m not sure about “airwaves”…makes me think of radios. I might just use “air”. I would take away the “give or take” since it mucks up the sentence a little. Rather than have you estimate the length, I believe it’s 10 cars long. I’m more interest in the “ninja clad, military type.” I need more clarification. Enjoyed it, thanks!
Hi Betsy, thanks so much for your critique.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Contemporary
I’m not good at making decisions. I’m great at convincing myself that they were right, once I’ve persuaded someone else to make them for me. I like to call that optimism, but I’m not sure whether that’s an honest analysis. One way or another, it doesn’t help one bit before the decision.
“So, what are you going to do?” Maggie is sitting on one of the beds in our small motel room. A crease plays between her brows. It looks foreign on her always-happy face.
I shrug. My mother has just called from Germany and told me that my grandma has been diagnosed with cancer and admitted to the hospital.
“I haven’t seen her in almost a year…” I stare at the wall behind Maggie’s head. It’s a mélange of white and yellow, drifting off into brown around the edges, the color of bad teeth.
“What did your mom say?”
“She told me to go with you guys and come home after the holiday, like I planned.” I knock a foot against my suitcase on the ground. “I’m just scared that-“ I bite my lip. “She’s ninety-two, you know… It could be a matter of days.”
Maggie gets up and sits down beside me. “I know,” she says and lays a hand on my back.
Grandma Hilda is one of the people I’ve missed the most in the last two years.
Hi Ela, it is definitely nice and easy read. I could connect to your MC and understand her struggle, her emotions. Am I right to say that her problem with decision making is one of the obstacles that she will have to overcome later on?
Thank you and yes, this will be one of the main obstacles 🙂
This is very well written, and you give us only the information we need as we need it. Extremely well crafted! The only thing that I can see to improve is the first paragraph. The first line grabbed my attention immediately, but the second line was long and wandered a bit. Although it didn’t repeat the first line exactly, it seemed to undercut its effectiveness some.
Thank you for your kind comment! I’ll try to improve the first paragraph.
I’m not sure why, but the sentence “One way or another, it doesn’t help one bit before the decision” kind of stands out for me. I think it would sound way better and more convincing (like she was really thinking that, not like you were putting it in to create conflict) without it. Instead of saying there’s conflict, you show it right after.
Also, the part with mother calling didn’t feel very engaging. It felt like the news speaker was talking about her grandma. Try and show more emotions. What does she feel at that moment? Shock, anger, sadness? Try to show it, use some metaphor for it. You do have staring at the wall, but somehow my eyes just went over it, it wasn’t quite emotional. If you’re trying to describe that she’s frustrated from not being able to bare her own emotions – and thus emotionless – at least mention it in some way.
Thank you, your comment is very helpful.
I think I agree about the last sentence in the first paragraph and will cut it.
You’re also right about the lack of emotion and I’ve already added that in my draft (I hope it conveys better now :S).
Thanks again! 🙂
the first paragraph starts out clear, then gets a little confusing at the end. I get what you mean here, but maybe play around with different ways of saying this that would make it clearer.
I like your descriptions. That was a clever way to describe Maggie.
When you tell about the grandmother, I feel like it should be more natural sounding, like, “Mom just called from Germany to tell me Grandma’s in the hospital. She’s been diagnosed with cancer.” or something like that.
Cool description of the ugly wallpaper.
I assume she regrets letting her mom talk her out of coming home.
Your dialogue is natural and I have to commend you on your proper use of grammar and punctuation, I like this and I can relate to the MC. Good job!
Thank you! Your comment is very helpful!
The first paragraph seems to be a bit of a problem. I’ve already decided to cut the last sentence, but I’m not sure whether I should maybe just cut the whole paragraph…? Or I could leave the first sentence and add two or three sentences just on the indecision-problem instead of going into the whole “convincing herself that they were right”-blah blah.
About sounding more natural: That’s actually one of the hardest things for me in writing this, because English is not her native language. Whenever I write something relating to her German-speaking family it gets really hard. I’m not a native English speaker myself and I would never refer to my mother as just “Mom”, because I never call her that (or my grandma as just “Grandma”). I think it’s because “Mom” feels so much like a name, while “my mom/ my mother” is just a function.
It’s even worse when I should write dialogue between her and her mother. So far, I’ve completely avoided it and just let her tell that she talked to her mother, which I know is absolutely horrible (It doesn’t happen that often, though). It just feels SO weird and wrong to me, whenever I try to write English dialogue for them. It’s also because I really want to show that her home back in Germany is a completely different world to her from where she is now. Putting it in the same language kind of destroys that a little for me. 😦
Do you think it would still sound a little more natural if I broke up the sentence like you suggested and referred to them as “my mom” and “my grandma”?
(Something like this:
I shrug. My mouth feels dry and I wonder why I’m not crying. My mom just called from Germany to tell me that my grandma’s in the hospital. She’s been diagnosed with cancer. Maybe it’s the distance that makes it feel surreal.)
Thanks again and sorry for the excessive reply 🙂
No, don’t cut the first paragraph if it’s an important point you need to make. Go with what you feel is right. I do think getting rid of the last sentence will help with the clarity. I’m sorry tried to “Americanize” it. Oops, I missed the fact that she would speak and think differently r/t her German heritage. Keep mother and grandmother if that’s how she thinks of them, but I do think it sounds more natural with the sentence broken up. I said it out loud and it seemed less formal, like how you’d think it to yourself or tell someone else.
I don’t know that I can give much advice on how to write dialogue for a character who is from another country. I’m pretty much a newb at this stuff, but I’m sure there’s someone here who has some good advice. I’d just say keep the dialogue authentic to the character, and if that means using different words or speech patterns, then do it.
Watch out for the dreaded filter words: “feels” is one of them. I learned about them late and had to change a lot of sentences. Just say, “My mouth is dry.
I think you’re doing fine! And don’t apologize for asking for opinions, that’s what were doing here. No worries. And you write in English very well for it not being your native language. 🙂
Thanks! I think I know how to rewrite the first paragraph so it’s more clear and natural (hopefully, haha).
Whoops about the filtering… I think Ellen actually has a video about that, which I watched. They just slip through so easily 😉 Thanks for pointing it out!
Great opening! I like how you introduce the character’s flaw right at the get-go. I suspect that will be her conflict throughout the novel correct? When you introduce Maggie, please tell me how she relates the teller. Her sister, Maggie? Friend, Maggie? The dialogue is natural and it is easy to read. Thaks for sharing.
Thank you for your comment! Yes, it will be her major internal conflict (though not the only one).
I assumed that it would be obvious that Maggie is a friend (if she was a sister, they would have the same mother/grandmother), but I guess I could just say “my friend Maggie” to make it clear.
If there is a reason to start with this paragraph, I would recommend a rewrite Example;. I’m not good at making decisions. i’m good at persuading others to make them for me….or something like that. I’m not sure why you used the word “optimism”. It sounds to me like the appropriate word would be immature. Tell the reader why these people are in a motel? It’s obvious she’s torn about staying or leaving somewhere. Who’s Maggie?…. I shrug. My mother has just called from Germany and told me that my grandma has been diagnosed with cancer and admitted to the hospital. It sounds like Maggie already knows. I would suggest you place this sentence before Maggie asks her question. Also, I would use dialogue. instead of telling the reader. Example: The phone drops from my hand. “That was my Mom. My Grandma has cancer and she’s been admitted to hospital.” the color of bad teeth….this sounds corny. …“What did your mom say?” I don’t think you need this. In the next sentence you could say…”Mom wants me to…..“I know,” she says ..I don’t think you need “she says” since its obvious Maggie is speaking. Good luck with your story.
Thank you Sharon!
I’ve already decided to rewrite the first paragraph. The optimism will be cut. Just as an explanation, though: What I was trying to say was that she likes to think of herself as an optimist and that once a decision is made she doesn’t continue going “oh no, it was probably all wrong”, but rather convinces herself that it was right (which is what she likes to call optimism, though she does mention that it probably isn’t). I realize now that that’s a little too complicated for a short paragraph 😉 I will just focus on her fear of decisions in the rewrite.
Both with the motel and Maggie I was kind of assuming that it would be clear from the context. She does mention the holiday and the suitcase… As for Maggie, I thought since she can’t be family it would be clear she’s a friend, but I should probably just mention it with a word.
Thank you for thinking of examples for how to rewrite it! I’m not really a fan of phones dropping from hands. In this situation it would feel a bit melodramatic to me. (I mean it’s bad news, but her grandmother is ninety-two, so I don’t think it would be such a huge shock for her.)
I will consider your other suggestions when re-writing, so thank you and good luck with your own writing! 🙂
I agree with the other commenters that the first paragraph needs to be more concise, but not dropped. I connected with this narrator right away based on that first paragraph. I liked the white, yellow, brown/bad teeth imagery. I’m don’t think it was on the cliche list, but bite my lip feels like a cliche to me. Is she twisting her face to hold back tears…what is she really doing by biting her lip? Also, small thing, where does Maggie lay her hand. I think it would help us to feel if it’s in the middle of her back, on her shoulder, right under the back of her neck. To summarize, good work, good character, great beginning.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
This is my opening to a second book that I have written. I’m not sure that I am a ‘literary’ novelist, but the story keeps nagging at me to be told.
Genre: Literary
Prologue – Kabul 1975
‘Shall I tell you a secret?’
‘If you like.’
‘I think I am pregnant.’
Smoke curled up from the cigarette poised at the man’s mouth. His eyes fixed on the nicotine stained ceiling above the bed they lay on.
His voice, deep and heavily accented, asked ‘Is it mine?’
Catherine laughed, light and breathy, ‘Of course it is, darling. I wouldn’t have said anything otherwise.’ She bounced on to her side to look down at his face, the bed sheet curled around her naked body. ‘Say something, darling. Isn’t this wonderful? We can be together. There’s no way that Matthew will agree to be father to another man’s child.’
Mahmoud moved only his eyes to look at her and took another draw on his cigarette. Tiny flakes of ash broke free and floated across the back of his hand.
The dull whump of the overhead fan filled the silence together with the crackle of the cigarette as he drew on it.
Catherine’s fair skin was lightly tanned and her hazel eyes were alive at the joy of telling him there was a child. Their child.
There was no way they could be together. He knew that.
The scandal of the wife of an ambassador having an affair with her chauffeur was one thing. Actually having the child of that chauffeur was something else. But now there was a child. His child. The thought of some other man raising his child was distasteful.
‘Does he know?’
The setting is refreshing, and the way you describe it is very well done. Also, just in general this is perfectly put together, I think.
I would keep reading, please don’t stop writing!! 🙂
Jackie,
Thank you for this and I’m so pleased you enjoyed it. It’s not perfect yet, but I’m secretly pleased you thought so 🙂
There’s a lot of work still needed overall and it was hard to get the first draft done. Even now I’m not sure it all fits together, but I’m not giving up on it yet!
(((Thoroughly enjoyed this. What a lovely, delicate style. I’m not sure why you’ve chosen Literary as your genre. Is this not a Romance?)))
Prologue – Kabul 1975
‘Shall I tell you a secret?’
‘If you like.’
‘I think I am pregnant.’
(((Beautiful opening. What a way to tell him. I knew he was her lover, on his back smoking, even before you told me, because of the three words you gave him. But I think she would say: “I think I’m pregnant.” not “I am” unless her English is flawed or she is angry or nervous. She is clearly neither.)))
Smoke curled up from the cigarette poised at the man’s mouth. His eyes fixed on the nicotine stained ceiling above the bed they lay on.
(((I think “poised” only just works here. Is it poised “at the man’s mouth” or poised “on the man’s lip”? If it’s “poised at the man’s mouth”, shouldn’t that be “poised in the man’s fingers”? Also, is it your intention to keep him anonymous when you name Catherine two lines later? Nicotine-stained ceiling. You can cut “they lay on” – it’s redundant. I know he’s lying there and in a few lines you show me she is too.)))
His voice, deep and heavily accented, asked ‘Is it mine?’
(((Do you want call his voice “heavily accented” when you’ve stated they’re in Kabul? She’s in his land. Find a different way to make it clear that he’s a local and she is not, or just leave it until later, when you do explain. Also, voices don’t ask. People ask, with their voices. So: “His voice deep and heavy, he asked: “Is it mine?”)))
Catherine laughed, light and breathy, ‘Of course it is, darling. I wouldn’t have said anything otherwise.’
(((Full stop after breathy. They’re separate actions. She laughs. She talks.)))
She bounced on to (((onto, because she’s not already bouncing. If she was, she would bounce on to land on her side))) her side to look down at his face, the bed sheet curled around her naked body. ‘Say something, darling. Isn’t this wonderful? We can be together. There’s no way that Matthew will agree to be father to another man’s child.’
Mahmoud moved only his eyes to look at her and took another draw on his cigarette. Tiny flakes of ash broke free and floated across the back of his hand.
(((I can’t see why you shouldn’t have introduced Mahmoud by name earlier: “Smoke curled up from the cigarette poised at the Mahmoud’s mouth”. That would also free you from having to say he has an accent when he is in his own country. Ash can’t float across the back of your hand. Once it’s on the back of your hand, it has stopped floating. It can float past the back of your hand, which is what I think you mean. However, to do that in this case it would have to be caught by a fan on the sideboard because, generally, flakes of ash fall straight down. In this case, straight down is onto his chest or into the dip of his neck, depending how far his head is propped up on the pillow.)))
The dull whump of the overhead fan filled the silence together with the crackle of the cigarette as he drew on it.
(((Is the fan broken? Whump is a dull, thudding sound. A working fan doing that would drive you crazy. Cigarettes only crackle when they’re old or cheap with dry tobacco in them. If you listen closely to regular in-date cigarettes (but please do not smoke them), most of them fizz or hiss very quietly, which becomes audible when the smoker takes a draw.)))
Catherine’s fair skin was lightly tanned and her hazel eyes were alive at the joy of telling him there was a child. Their child.
(((Fair skin doesn’t lightly tan. It goes pink. Even if it did, skin can’t be fair and lightly tanned at the same time. One or the other. Her eyes have been alive all her life. I think you want: “her hazel eyes sparkled with the joy of a child. Their child.”)))
There was no way they could be together. He knew that.
(((You switch quickly and awkwardly from Catherine to Mahmoud, so the reader thinks “There was no way they could be together” is her conclusion and you lose pace while they figure out it’s his. This is quickly fixed by adding something like: “Mahmoud looked away. There was…” etc.
The scandal of the wife of an ambassador having an affair with her chauffeur was one thing. Actually having the child of that chauffeur was something else. But now there was a child. His child. The thought of some other man raising his child was distasteful.
(((This paragraph is clunky. There are too many words and, going in, you don’t tell me who is thinking. Easily fixed again. Keep this paragraph joined to the one above it. Then it’s all about Mahmoud. So, cutting words too, how about: “Mahmoud looked away. There was no way they could be together. He knew that. She was the ambassador’s wife and he was her chauffeur. But now she was carrying his child. And the thought of some other man raising his child was unbearable.”)))
‘Does he know?’
(((If he doesn’t, he probably will. If the ambassador has fair skin, like Catherine, and the baby does not, he’s going to know. Catherine and Mahmoud would know this.)))
(((Very readable indeed. In my opinion these are all very minor fixes.)))
Tim, thank you very much for your critique, it’s incredibly helpful.
Some of your points would be dealt with in the next couple of pages, e.g. Catherine’s marriage is sexless, but it will suit her husband to be the father of the child. We find this out in a show-down between them when she tells him that she is pregnant. However, thank you for raising this as I hadn’t properly thought through the child’s skin tone, which will be important.
Is it a romance? No, but I have struggled with PoVs, not Mahmoud’s but whether it is Catherine (after the prologue) or another character, no longer in 1975.
Other points (fair skin not tanning, cigarettes crackling!) I would debate, but it has made me look again at how I’ve used them as I don’t want the reader dwelling on those. As you say, they are minor fixes.
Well, more fiddling around to be done, but I really appreciate the detail you’ve given this.
Thank you.
Erica
Hi Erica,
However, thank you for raising this as I hadn’t properly thought through the child’s skin tone, which will be important.
(((I can think of three ways you could deal with this. First, does the chauffeur have to be Mahmoud? Could they have brought one with them? If not, and the father is Mahmoud, you’re going to have to keep the ambassador unaware who the father is until you chose for it to be revealed. Third, and perhaps easiest of all, simply change Catherine’s skin tone so that she or one of her parents is from the middle east too. That’s the one I would go with.
Is it a romance? No, but I have struggled with PoVs, not Mahmoud’s but whether it is Catherine (after the prologue) or another character, no longer in 1975.
(((You need to read Ellen’s post about Omniscient POV. It’s under writing and editing advice, called something like When To Use Omniscient. Could well be a case of Problem Solved.
(((Don’t give up on this Erica. Make it work. I think the first half of the second paragraph of your original reply is where it all is. I think that’s the central conflict of your great novel. Explore it, leaving no stone unturned. I understand now.)))
All the best
Tim
I like it, but it has kind of a melancholic tone to it (Don’t know if you were aiming for it?). It captured my attention, however, and I’d be willing to keep reading.
Darnika
Thank you. I hadn’t noticed the melancholic tone to it, but that is where it’s heading, so I’ve managed to get that across without realising it!
Erica
Wow, this is a nice intro to the main characters. I want to know more! I would definitely read on to find out what happens next. 🙂
Hi Alexa
Thank you for reading this and I’m pleased you liked it.
Still lots to do and agonize over, but I’ll get there, I think!
Erica
“Shall I tell you a secret” is a good first line. You know something juicy is going to come after that.
She says she thinks she’s pregnant, then the rest of the conversation makes it sound like it’s a definite thing. Maybe just have her say, “I’m pregnant.” Or have him ask if she’s sure and she answers, “Nearly 100%.”
“curled” is used to describe the smoke and the sheet.
When you describe the fan, etc. the sentence seems awkward. “The room was silent, save for the dull whump of the overhead fan and the crackle of his cigarette as he drew on it.” might work better. I love that description. Sometimes we forget to include sounds in our descriptions, so this is a good reminder to me of how effective that can be,
Her skin would be fair or tanned, I think. Also it doesn’t go well with saying her eyes were alive with joy. Maybe just stick with the description of her eyes.
Good placement of the line where he thinks of how they can never be together. Has impact there.
I would say, “The scandal of an ambassador’s wife having an affair…” It’s less clunky, and I think you can do without “now” and just say, “But there was a child,”
I like this, it flowed well and kept me interested. Does it continue to lean towards the man’s POV? Hope my comments were helpful.
Hi Erica…I’ve always been told never to start a novel with dialogue unless the character is well known, like a Harry Potter. I disagree. i love the opening. Good job. Some points for you to consider. I would think if she had the courage to tell him she’s pregnant, she’s pregnant. Why not tell the reader who the man is? Smoke curled up from the cigarette poised at the man’s mouth. His eyes fixed on the nicotine stained ceiling above the bed they lay on. His voice, deep and heavily accented, asked ‘Is it mine?’ I think you could condense this and add more drama by having Mahmoud sucking cigarette smoke into his lungs and breathing out slowly…instead of staring up at a ceiling. Catherine laughed, light and breathy. I think you could leave this out. ‘Say something, darling. Isn’t this wonderful? . The man already gave her an answer and not a very nice answer. Shouldn’t her response be something like….”You love me don’t you? You do want our baby?” ….Catherine’s fair skin was lightly tanned and her hazel eyes were alive at the joy of telling him there was a child. Their child. Unless you have Mahmoud express his happiness at the thought of fathering her child, this doesn’t fit There was no way they could be together. He knew that. and The thought of some other man raising his child was distasteful. Change in POV confuses the reader. Good luck with your story.
Hi Sharon
Thank you for this. Your comments are very useful.
I don’t want Catherine to sound too needy, she is still young and husband is much older (although you don’t know this in the short introduction).
The fact that it’s 1975 and they’re in Afghanistan meant that she couldn’t be truly sure she was pregnant at the time she tells him. She has the hope that she is, but it’s a naive hope that she hasn’t really thought through.
However, I need to get this across and I don’t think I’ve quite done it yet!
I loved this! The language, descriptions, and characters all made this very enjoyable to read. I am left with tons of questions, which is a sign of pulling me in. Since this is the prologue, does the first chapter start in the present? (possibly from the child’s perspective) After hearing the news, will Mahmoud step up and be dad, or will Catherine have to do it on her own (or perhaps, trick Matthew into believing the baby is his/theirs?)
LIke I said, I’m left with questions, and wanting more! I do now expect (or even want) you to answer any of these questions NOW (though I’d love to read more later)… I just added them to show what was going through your reader’s head in this great intro. Thanks for sharing!
Hi Dominic
Sorry for the slow response. Thanks for taking the time to read it!
Yes, the first chapter does start in the present (or, it did, but I’m wondering if this might be better written in the past). Catherine doesn’t trick Matthew into believing the baby is his – theirs is a loveless marriage and he will be the father. It suits him to do so.
I’ve had some great ideas from the comments here to strengthen areas and I appreciate your comments about reader’s questions – very useful.
Erica
Well done! Your details and writing style are very compelling. The story set up is great. I love how we know that he knows it’s not going to work, right away. Then, the story takes off from there. I already am thinking that this is Mahmoud’s story? I only had a nitpick or two? I wanted to see how the nicotine stained the ceiling — what the resulting image was — an ugly black border? Shades of yellow? (when I moved into my home, the owners before were smokers, so the walls were nicotine stained in funny shapes around the pictures they had on the walls.) I also thought that you should indicate that the whump was repetitive, since here (to my ear), it read that the sound happened once. But, that’s small stuff. I love the images, the way the sheets curve around her, the ashes on his hand…
Thanks!
Hi Betsy
Thank you for your input and I’m pleased you enjoyed it.
I had wondered about describing it (in my mind it’s a nasty dark yellow) but I decided in the end to leave it to the reader to picture it – too many shades of yellow to choose from! Having said that, I like your point about the shapes that can be left by nicotine. Interesting thought.
Also, the ceiling fan, yes, it’s probably a lazy fan but it’d go round more than once!
Brilliant, thanks for your comments.
Erica
Now this is the kind of writing I’d like to be able to achieve someday. You were very descriptive while also keeping the story moving and this is quite the hook to keep people reading. Everything flowed nicely and it is very clean and polished. I honestly can’t find much to critique from a writing aspect, other than the word whump, which was a bit distracting as I’d never heard it before. Nicely written.
Hi Erica, first of all, I’m already hooked on your story 🙂 Great idea. I’m sensing a lot of drama is yet to come. I’m exited for Catherine but at the same time I feel sorry for her. It doesn’t seem like Mahmoud is not as thrilled as she is. I’m sensing trouble 😉
Hi Justyna
Thanks for reading it and your feedback. It’s good to know that it’s setting up what’s to come. I worry that it may be a false promise as it’s a prologue and it will change quite a lot in the following chapters. It’s also made me reconsider whether I should leave it in the 1970s or not.
Much to ponder on!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA, Realistic Fiction
The Stranger said she came to town to tell me the truth, but sometimes fifteen-year olds aren’t ready for the truth.
It’s been over a year since she’s left and I’m still piecing together what happened between us.
When she first came to Chelsea, I thought God was smiling down on me. I’d been long praying for a miracle, for someone or something to help me out of this run-down city, away from my overbearing Papi, and set me on my music career.
The Stranger was someone I thought could finally share my song with, someone who could change my sad solo into a dazzling duet.
But that never happened.
So today, when a letter arrived in the mail from her, I didn’t think I could take any more of her revelations.
With letter clutched in hand, I climbed onto my bed and reached for the shelf above my headboard. I placed aside an old middle school notebook and removed my mother’s Juan Gabriel record, the only piece of her my father saved from Colombia. I opened the sleeve of the album and slid the letter inside without reading it. Legs trembling, I dropped to the bed.
Slumped against the wall, I gazed out my window overlooking the Tobin Bridge that connected Chelsea to Boston. Cars trickled by. I wondered if passing motorists had experienced a loss as deep as mine or lived through a heartbreaking betrayal.
I really enjoyed reading this! I like that I can feel her trepidation when she finds the letter. I’d keep reading this so I can find out more about the stranger, the truth that she told, and what in the world is in that letter!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and critique my piece.
This definitely caught my interest. I really enjoyed it, and it has a lot of questions posed right at the beginning that grab your attention. Who is the stranger? What is the truth? What happened to her mother? What deep loss did the narrator experience?
I wasn’t sure on the gender of the narrator–but I’m assuming it’s a girl, the voice just has that feel to it?
I would say this is a great start and is something I would read more of!
Thank you so much for catching the gender issue, the MC is female. Thx for reading/critiqueing
I was curious about the Stranger and the truth that she brought, but I’m afraid the opening didn’t hold my interest. It seems to be skirting around the issue to create a sense of suspense, but I don’t know the character well enough to care about her (? his?) loss and betrayal. It might help if you can restructure this beginning to narrate less background information, and in general to cut out extra wordiness that distracts from your story. The first bit, through ‘But that never happened’, is mostly background information that nonetheless doesn’t tell us what really happened. The rest is circling around the conflict without getting there clearly enough that we can sympathise with the MC. Basically, it’s the old ‘show, don’t tell’ principle: we need to see her loss and betrayal and feel for ourselves that it’s deep and heartbreaking, because being told that she’s ‘lived through a heartbreaking betrayal’ doesn’t make us care. I’m afraid I can’t give any more specific advice on how to show these things or where to start, because I have no idea what the story is.
Thank you so much for your insight. I appreciate it.
I really like this opening! You’ve definitely captured the way teenagers view the world in extremes — ‘The Stranger,’ ‘my sad solo’ and ‘I wondered if passing motorists had experienced a loss as deep as mine.’
Thank you so much for your feedback.
First sentence is good, but is followed by a really long info dump that is kind of unnecessarily descriptive. It feels like you want to build up the tension by postponing it, not by scaling it up as you progress. The last sentence is also good, it kind of repaid for everything else in my eyes, because it drove me pretty curious, but I’d work on the middle, really. Give us something more personal, use the first person to give off more voice and emotion instead of all the steadiness.
I like the Stranger, tho, I think you should leave that, even if you rewrite. It does pose a question, and you’re giving an answer, which is satisfying the reader and making him/her feel good, and afterwards you immediately pose next question, now making them wait for next satisfaction, eventually hooking them to read on and be willing to wait more and more for conflict resolutions. That’s very well done!
Darnika, I appreciate your insight. I will definitely work on the middle. Thanks, Sue
(((Hi Sue, Thanks for your comments about my critiques. Here is one for you:)))
(((This Page One ends much stronger than it starts. It should start and end strong, but start strongest. I didn’t really care about the character until I heard about the loss and betrayal. Then I did care. Ironically, your character is passive until we know she has suffered loss and betrayal. Then she is the suffering hero. I have commented more on this at the end. In the meantime, some thoughts and suggestions:)))
The Stranger said she came to town to tell me the truth, but sometimes fifteen-year olds aren’t ready for the truth.
(((OK, you’re fifteen. But are you male or female? To the best of my knowledge you don’t say, or give any clue from beginning to end. We need that clue. You have not described yourself in any way. Nothing, except in talking about your past. I had to gender assign you female, because you’re a female writer, or you’d have been a ghostly shadow plodding around your house with no identity at all.)))
(((Full stop after truth and drop “but”.
(((fifteen-year-olds)))
It’s been over a year since she’s ((she)) left and I’m still piecing together what happened between us.
(((This made me think you might be male because “between us” implies a relationship and the Stranger is female. An ex-girlfriend, perhaps.)))
(((Be more descriptive here, or less. Either end the sentence at “happened” or add more detail.)))
When she first came to Chelsea, ((no comma)) I thought God was smiling down on me. I’d been long praying for a miracle, for(((full colon after miracle, drop the comma and “for”. New sentence starting “Someone)) someone or something to help me out of this run-down city,((full stop.)) ((To take me)) away from my overbearing Papi,((no comma)) and set me on my music career.
(((I’m assuming Papi is right and means father, but I don’t know it. There’s a lot of me, I and my in the paragraph above. Unless you intended that, it distances the reader. Try to remove half of them and rewrite accordingly. We want the story.)))
The Stranger was someone I thought could finally share my song with,((full stop)) someone who could change((transform)) my sad solo into a dazzling duet.
But that never happened.
So today, when a(((her))) letter arrived in the mail from her,(((drop “from her”))) I didn’t think(((wasn’t sure))) I could take any more of her(((drop “of her”…they’re redundant))) revelations.
(((Watch your tenses. You’ve been switching them left, right and centre. I think Ellen has written a post about tenses in Advice.
(((Why can’t you take more revelations? Because she wouldn’t share your song and perform a duet? Why is that linked to this? You said she left. You’ve been trying to work out why. So why all of a sudden, today, can you take no more of her? Did you read the letter and decide you couldn’t take any more revelations, or decide that with the letter unopened? Has the letter ever been opened? Will it ever be?)))
With(((Redundant. Start with “Letter”))) letter clutched in hand, (((has it been opened or not?))) I climbed onto my bed (((Why did you climb? Is it a big bed? A bunk bed? Or are you small? Are you sure you didn’t just sit on your bed?))) and reached for the shelf above my headboard. (((I won’t have a shelf above my head in case it falls on me in my sleep. Do other people?))) I placed aside an old middle(((drop “middle”))) school notebook and removed my mother’s Juan Gabriel record, the only piece of her my father saved from Colombia. (((Excellent line, says a thousand words about you all. I learned more in that one line than the paragraphs before. And then the bitterness in the line itself. Marvellous.))) I opened the sleeve of the album and slid the letter inside without reading it. (((At last we find out. You didn’t read it. We didn’t want to be in suspense. Tell us earlier you didn’t read it.))) Legs trembling, I dropped to the bed.
(((Oh, I get it now, you climbed onto your bed and stood on it. Then you reached for the shelf. That’s a very high shelf. Is it somewhere near the ceiling? Are you really that short? You’re at least fifteen. Can’t you reach the shelf by now? Not even when you stand on the bed without reaching? How far up is this shelf? How high is your ceiling? Why are your legs trembling? Is it because you’ve been standing on the mattress springs? Did the letter make you nervous? Or the album? Or something else on the shelf? Do you have a disability? Are trying to hide it from the reader? If so, why? It’s nothing you should hide. Why have you dropped to the bed? Is it because your legs are trembling or because you want to climb off it? If you want to climb off it, why did you drop suddenly? Why didn’t you just kneel down?)))
Slumped against the wall,
(((How did you do that? Did you drop and then slump deliberately, or slump because you dropped badly? If you dropped badly, why isn’t your back injured because you dropped and slumped against the wall? Are you slumped because you are disabled? Or did you drop, do something else and then slump later? Have we suddenly moved forward in time? If so, what did you do between dropping and slumping? Has it been hours? Days?)))
I gazed out my window overlooking the Tobin Bridge that connected(((drop “that connected” and use “between”))) Chelsea to((drop “to”, use “and”)) Boston. ((As the)) Cars trickled by.((comma)) I wondered if passing motorists had experienced(((known))) a loss as deep as mine(((full stop))) or (((Drop “or” and use “Had they”))) lived through a heartbreaking betrayal.(((drop the full stop and use question mark.))) (((The question mark is because you wondered.)))
(((This is where I’m hooked. The heartbreaking betrayal, on top of the loss. Right at the very end. Why leave it this long? Why not tell me you have suffered loss and heartbreaking betrayal in paragraph one? I’m assuming the loss is your mother. Did the Stranger betray you? If the Stranger betrayed you, why do you have to piece together what happened between you? She betrayed you.
(((Whatever these answers, your loss and betrayal needs to be much higher up.
(((Without the loss and betrayal, I see you get a letter you can’t be bothered to open because you’ve decided you’re sick of the Stranger because she wouldn’t do a duet, so you climb on the bed and hide it unopened inside your mum’s album like an unwanted bill and then drop onto the bed and that’s the end of that.
(((With the loss and betrayal I see you trying to cope in a huge universe which seems filled with disappointment, probably alone in a house high up, detaching you from the world with a father who didn’t care about your mother and who may or may not care deeply enough about you. A world in which maybe your only real friend was a Stranger who let you down because music is your life and you can’t bear the pain of reading anything more she has to say.
(((See the difference? Without the loss and betrayal high up, I assume you’re a fifteen-year-old throwing a temper tantrum because you wanted a duet many moons ago. I am not on your side.
(((With the loss and betrayal high up, I immediately have empathy. I remember my own losses, the times I’ve been betrayed, and I bring that to your story. Now I can feel for your character and now I am interested enough to turn pages. Now I want to know how you’ve been hurt and betrayed and how God, to whom you have been praying, is going to help you. I am on your side.
(((So…bring the loss and betrayal much higher up, as high as paragraph one if you can find a way that works, and don’t delay in telling the reader more about it. In the meantime, come up with more excellent images like dad only saving one thing of mum’s (heartbreak) and sitting high above cars on the Tobin Bridge (loneliness). Paint more of these great pictures for us.))))
(((GOOD!)))
English Tim,
Bravo! What a wonderful service you have provided members of this community. We are lucky to have a person to expend so much mental energy and with such talent.
I commend you.
(((applause)))
Sue
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Paranormal Romance
“You do know that he’s not real right? I mean, you know that that’s what fiction means don’t you?” Bridget said as she listened to her sister’s fifth sigh within the past minute.
“Say what you want but tonight, Alex will be plenty real when he comes out from these pages and ravishes me in my dreams. Normally, I’m completely against any kind of violence towards cake but this…it just seems so right.” Abigail said dreamily, barely looking up from the pages.
Bridget knew that she shouldn’t have given her sister the book after she had finished it. True, it was a great read and definitely something to remember for moments alone in the shower but it wasn’t a real world to get lost in.
“Good God! Are you going to spend your entire life in these dream worlds? As good as it may seem Alex is not going to come riding out of the pages on his white horse and swoop you away and into his kingdom!
“He will as soon as I get her out of the picture! Something that I’m currently working on with Dred and Morgan. As long as they leave Alex alive, I’m good with them taking over the world. As long as they let me be his guard and let me have lots and lots of alone time with him.”
Really interesting! I want to know more already.
However, even in this short opening, I’m noticing a bit of repetition ‘You know he’s not real? You know he’s fiction?’ and ‘but it wasn’t a real world to get lost in.’ Given the rest of the scene seems very modern and young, ‘Good God!’ as an exclamation sounds very out of place, while the sisters argument is very exposition-heavy. Also, the cake line doesn’t follow logically from what goes before, and I was shaken out of the story as I tried to decipher it.
Thank you for the feedback and I’m glad that you enjoyed it! I definitely see what you mean about the repetitive nature. I will definitely look at changing lines such as “Good God!” to something more around the lines of “Oh my God!” or something with a more youthful feel to it.
I had to smile a little bit as I wrote the cake line because it is actually a bit of a hat tip to a friend of mine’s book. Although, as much as I love it, I will have to cut or change it if it doesn’t make sense to the reader. I know that the only reason I understand this reference is because I have read the book that Abigail is reading. Thank you so much for your great comments! I really appreciate it!
Who is the main character here? For some reason, I felt more connection to Bridget, although I feel like the out-of-the-ordinary sister was meant to be MC. If you’re trying to be omniscient, try using a more distinct storytelling voice, so that we’d feel more neutral, because this feels like 3rd limited from Bridget’s point.
Also, you’ve made a nice conflict in the beginning, but the fact that Abigail kind of doesn’t really care or get hurt by Bridget’s comments makes it look like it’s not a conflict at all. Instead of the last paragraph (which also seems a bit info-dumpish, we don’t even have to know that yet, I think), you could have her a bit hurt because her sister doesn’t trust her. If you want her to seem a bit crazy and over the top (with ruling the world thing, if that wasn’t an info-dump), you could have her say something along the lines of what Alex could do to Bridget when he comes to life and how very real would that be.
Thanks for the feedback! Bridget is actually the MC of the story so I’m glad that you feel more of a connection with her.
I definitely need to make it more clear that Abigail is actually referring to characters that are in the book that she’s reading in the last paragraph. 🙂
First off, I find it hard with 250 words because they’re too few. So that may factor in when I think that you’ve got little characterization. It might have been done immediately after the 250 words, idk.
Right at the end you’ve thrown in “Dred and Morgan”, I don’t know if the very next paragraph you say something about them as to who they are, but usually you need to get 1 or 2 basic details about them right after you mention them. Tho another, probably better, option is not mentioning them at all since it’s really not important we know them right now. Keep their names out until you can throw in one or two facts about them.
Anyway, as to Abby and Bridget, find and insert at least another 1 or 2 things about them. Squeeze them in inconspicuously, so that we get a slightly better grip on who they are from the very start. 🙂
Thanks for the critique Adrian! I am definitely considering taking the names of these characters out of my book. Dred and Morgan are actually characters in the book that Abigail is reading in the scene and are not actually characters in my book. I have done a bit of a rewrite on this part of the scene already which, hopefully, will make that more clear for the reader.
Wow, I don’t have a lot of criticism but I like the natural dialogue. I am a little confused about who Alex is. Is she talking about a book character? Maybe make that clearer earlier on by having her toss a book at her or hold up a book or something. Movement and gestures can help the dialogue tell the story. Thanks for sharing!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA, Fantasy
Each fateful step echoed through the dim hallway, but it was too late to turn back. Her mind had long since been made up. Shiahna smoothed sweat-dampened hands down the front of her dress and continued. The palace halls were lit by a few dying torches, their light casting dancing shadows across her path. She slowed just beyond the torchlight, her heart racing in her chest as a patrol of guards approached, but they passed by with hardly a glance in her direction. She released a deep breath and continued. She wasn’t a threat. Their king, Draetagh himself, had declared her as one of his most trusted.
She smiled to herself with cold satisfaction. That was what made her plan so perfect. She was, undoubtedly, the only one capable of completing this mission. Ten years of faithfully serving the tyrant king had been sacrificed to give him no reason to distrust her. This single moment was what she had been working toward, all those years. She had hated every second of time spent in the king’s presence, but now her revenge would be fulfilled.
Another torch came into view around the corner ahead of her, revealing the final hallway leading to the slumbering king’s chambers. She swallowed, sweeping blonde hair off her shoulders as if to brush her uncertainties behind her. He would be asleep; she had been sure to add the potion to his wine. When he woke, she would be long gone—and so would his cherished jewel.
I really really liked this! I could see the hallways in my mind as I read (which is one of my favorite things about reading).
It’s really good! I somehow feel her voice, even although it’s 3rd person, she feels very real! Great characterization right from the beginning!
I feel like the motivation is a bit week, tho. Conflict is a bit one-sided when he’s already asleep. She basically resolved the conflict before the starting point. Maybe you could start a bit earlier, with her sneaking to pour the potion in the wine? It’s much more dramatic scene, and this would be a perfect follow-up! Or, if your drama point is her stealing jewel, maybe you could get to it faster? Shift things a little bit and insert things about her being loyal to him for a decade later on, during or after the climax of the scene, because it’s honestly an info-dump (although a really nicely put info-dump, we get the feel of the character from it).
Good luck! ^ ^
Great opening! The first opening lines are very hooking. The tension is slowly building without being too quick to throw us into the action but the reader can tell something exciting will happen. You do a great job setting up the mood, the setting, and the background. Great pace! My only thought is the conflict seems a bit thrown out with the wording tyrant king. It just kind of simplifies the issue I think, but that’s hard for me to say without better knowing where this is going. Perhaps tell me how he is a tyrant I suppose. Anyway, great writing. I look forward to seeing this finished. I would buy it!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Contemporary/Romantic
I poured just the right amount of vanilla-flavored creamer into my mug and was reaching for the pot of Colombia dark roast when my cell phone rang. ‘Damn… my mother.’
“Hello?” I answered.
“Stacy! Thank goodness I caught you. I just talked to Claire Worthington, you remember the Worthington’s, don’t you?”
“I’m trying to get out the door to work.” I filled up my mug and turned the pot off. “What’s so important about the Worthington’s that you had to call before eight a.m.?”
“Well, Claire called this morning and just had to rub it in. Her Madeline got engaged last night. A lawyer. Can you believe it? And with her buck teeth? I told Claire years ago she needed to put braces on that girl again…”
My mother continued to prattle on about Madeline Worthington who, despite her faults, was somehow able to capture the heart of her knight in shining armor, or in this case, someone who had at least passed the bar exam.
I took a sip. ‘Ah, coffee.’
This wasn’t the first time I’d had to listen to her go on and on about someone else’s offspring. I tuned back in just in time to catch her sink down into what had become a regular cycle of self-despair where she somehow twisted my “single girl” status into a pit of self-pity she could wallow in for days.
“I don’t get it. You’re relatively young. You’re fairly attractive. When do I get to plan a wedding?”
I enjoyed this! It’s clear, light and it flows smoothly. It tells me enough about Stacy and her relationship to her mother to connect and want to know what will happen. Her mother’s dialogue especially made me smile.
I would definitely want to read on!
Wow, I really liked it! You can really feel both of the characters, it feels very real and implies a lot! Good job!
(((Love it. I forgot where I was and sat reading like I had a book in my hand. Your style is charming in the best way and your dialogue is GREAT. I hope mother is a major character and please don’t do her any differently. “You’re fairly attractive.” Classic! I’m dying to meet father, too. Who is this hero? Anyone else in the family? Dare I hope grandmother is out there?
(((Because you’re so good at dialogue, you should use more of it. Readers prefer it anyway. Here are a few more comments. Hope some are helpful.)))
I poured just the right amount of vanilla-flavored creamer into my mug and was reaching for the pot of Colombia dark roast when my cell phone rang. ‘Damn… my mother.’
(((The key events here are the reach and the cell phone ring. Everything that happens before that could be told later. This might give you a much more active opening. For example: “I reached for the dark roast when my cell phone rang. ‘Damn. My mother.’” You can mention that it’s Colombian, and that you’re fussy about your creamer, later on. I recommend you take the pot out too, because you mention it a few lines down when you turn it off.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Stacy! Thank goodness I caught you. I just talked to Claire Worthington, (((full stop))) you remember the Worthington’s(((no apostrophe))), don’t you?”
“I’m trying to get out the door to work.” I filled up my mug and turned the pot off. (((“turned off the pot” is more active))) “What’s so important about the Worthington’s ((no apostrophe)) that you had to call before eight a.m.?” (((you can drop a.m. if you like. We know she’s trying to get to work.)))
“Well, Claire called this morning and just had to rub it in. Her Madeline (((or is it Madelaine?))) got engaged last night. A lawyer. Can you believe it? And with her buck teeth? I told Claire years ago she needed to put braces on that girl again…”
(((I’m not touching your dialogue. Can’t.)))
My mother continued to prattle on about Madeline Worthington who, despite her faults, was somehow able to capture the heart of her knight in shining armor, or in this case, someone who had at least passed the bar exam.
(((We know it’s your mother. “She” will do nicely. You’ve written this paragraph in one sentence. It needs two, and you can save words: “She continued to prattle on about Madeline Worthington, who, despite her faults, had somehow captured her knight in shining armor. Or, in this case, someone (((why be vague? Describe him. You can make us laugh here)))who had at least passed the bar exam.)))
I took a sip. ‘Ah, coffee.’ (((Does anybody say that, or think it? Don’t we just curl our toes and drink it. How about something like: “I took a sip and drifted away.”)))
This wasn’t the first time I’d had to listen to her go on and on about someone else’s offspring. (((But you’re not listening this time, so you’re not having to listen. You tuned out because in the next sentence you say you tune back in.))) I tuned back in just in time to catch her sink down into what had become a (((“I tuned back in just in time to catch her”))) regular cycle of self-despair(((full stop))) where she somehow twisted my “single girl” status into a pit of self-pity she could wallow in for days. (((“Somehow she transformed my single girl status into a pool of self pity and wallowed in it for days.” Making it a pool, or a muddy pool, strengthens the hippo image.)))
“I don’t get it. You’re relatively young. You’re fairly attractive. When do I get to plan a wedding?”
(((More!)))
I enjoyed the bantering between mother and daughter. The dialogue comes across as realistic, with a touch of humor and sarcasm..Good job. A couple of suggestions for your consideration: ‘Damn… my mother.’ “Hello?” I answered. Since the MC dreads the conversation, why not suggest a unique ring. ….Example: mother’s ring tone broke the silence……”Hello, Mother. My mother continued to prattle on about Madeline Worthington…… Instead of telling us you could continue on with the dialogue…. was somehow able to capture the heart of her knight in shining armor, or in this case, someone who had at least passed the bar exam. I love this. If I could suggest leaving out….was somehow able to and use an active verb….captured Good luck with your story.
You’ve introduced your character and her situation smoothly on the first page. The mother’s personality comes through well, and adds a touch of humor. Had to laugh at “relatively young” and “fairly attractive”. It’s well written and flows well, especially the dialogue.
I did notice a couple of things that tripped me up. when you say “A lawyer” it seemed to me like it should be “To a lawyer.” Also, when you say “to put braces on that girl again.” It confused me a bit. Did she have braces at one time, but they didn’t do the job right? Is she saying she told her again? I’d just cut “again” to lessen confusion.
I do like the paragraph about how Claire’s mother makes Claire’s single status her own problem. That’s a great sentence. Of course italics don’t show up here, but I would suggest making “I” be in italics in that last sentence. Overall, great job.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Dystopian
I’ve been planning my escape for months, going over every detail again and again, waiting for the perfect opportunity. Even under ideal conditions, my chances of success are slim.
Today isn’t ideal. It isn’t even close, but waiting is no longer an option.
I sit on the narrow bed in the windowless room, my fingers tapping out a nervous rhythm as I wait for the guard to escort me to my wellness assessment.
The heavy metal door swings open and a booming voice fills the room, “Doc’s ready for you, Trig.”
Tanner. He’s not supposed to be here. Why the hell is he on day shift? I look up at the scowling face of the man who’s been my evening guard for as long as I can remember. Over the years, the circumference of his waist has increased and the number of hairs on his head has decreased, but that scowl hasn’t changed.
“Are you going to sit there all day, Boy?”
“I might. If you were about to get probed, inside and out, would you be in a hurry to do it?”
“Got a point there,” he says, suppressing a smile. For a second, I get a glimpse of the gentle man beneath the gruff façade—the one who once comforted a boy who had no one else to turn to.
I stand up and move toward the door. “Let’s get this over with.”
As I step past him, I offer a silent apology for what I’m about to do.
Wow, this pulled me right in! I like the first paragraph and I absolutely love “Today isn’t ideal.” Made me shiver with suspense and anticipation, which is an impressive thing to achieve with just three sentences.
I think you describe the nervousness very well. The short description of Tanner is also very effective, because it doesn’t just tell us what he looks like but also gives us an idea about how long the MC has been there.
The last sentence is great too! Shivers…
The only thing that had me stop for a moment was “wellness assessment”, because on first glance it sounds so nice. (Like something to do with spas and whirlpools ;))
I think this is very well written and I would definitely want to read more!
Thanks! I appreciate the critique. I’m sure you’re being too kind, but I’ll take it. Haha. I know what you’re saying with the wellness assessment. I was trying to be futuristic about it, thinking that they wouldn’t still call it a check-up or a physical. Maybe I’ll just call it what it is- a physical exam. I put this one on the back burner last year, but I think it’s more interesting than my current work. I may have to dust it off and finish it.
The reason why Trig wants to escape is given, the chances of success, slim, great tension, and that the guards have changed, and that Trig is going to have to hurt a friend, I find myself wanting to read the next 250 words. Good work.
Thank you. I’m glad it was clear that he didn’t want to hurt Tanner, but couldn’t let that change anything. When someone wants to read more, it’s the best thing a writer can hear isn’t it? Was feeling a bit defeated, so that’s nice to hear.
I think you have a good start here. I would be concerned about the first paragraph seeming a bit cliche just because all dystopians are pretty much about escape. So, personally, when I read “dystopian” and then immediately “I’ve been planning my escape” I automatically worry that there isn’t going to be anything original in this.
I really like the line “Today isn’t ideal.” I think you could potentially lead with that and leave some mystery element as to what he’s planning to do. For example: “Today isn’t ideal. It isn’t even close. But I’ve been planning for months and I can’t wait anymore.”
This bit of dialogue: “I might. If you were about to get probed, inside and out, would you be in a hurry to do it?” I like the idea, but not the execution. Something about the wording seems unnatural to me. Perhaps something like: “Maybe. If you were about to get probed, inside and out, would you be in a hurry?” < Not a huge change, but it just seems a bit more natural.
The guard's response of "Got a point there." feels bland to me. I'd give him something more unique to say.
I like the hint of the special relationship with this guard and that he's gentle under his gruff facade.
Overall, a lot of potential! But I don't want you to get lost in the slush because of a few cliche bits that could cloud all the good parts of this opening.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment on this. I have to admit, I squealed a little when I read “good start”.
That’s true, escape does seem to be a common theme in dystopian novels. Actually, I may have given this the wrong genre by mistake. Sorry, it’s my newbness showing. I thought, “Future setting and people experimenting on humans = dystopia.” But I don’t think my story really fits the true definition of the genre. It is set in a future time, but there is no opressive government or post-apocalyptic stuff going on. This is an isolated group of scientists who’ve gone a little (a lot) too far in the name of science. I don’t know what genre to call it.
If it’s not dystopia, does that make a difference? Is opening a novel with the protagonist having thoughts of escape cliche in general? If so, I can try rewriting those first lines as you suggested instead of coming right out and saying he’s planning to escape. The reader can figure it out as it happens.
I’ll fix the “probing” part. It does sound better that way, thanks.
I’ll put my thinking cap on and come up with something better than “Got a point there.”
I’m thrilled you think it has potential. I’m excited to work on revising it using my newfound knowledge from bootcamp!
I like the opening. Planning escape. It hooks the reader fast! I like the name Tanner too. A little more background as to where she is trying to escape might help but so far this is a catchy opening!
I wondered if it’s too vague in regard to setting. I get to that on the next page, I hope that’s soon enough? Oh, it’s a he. I thought Trig wasn’t gender-specific enough, so I had Tanner call him “boy”. Originally his name was Tris, then that damn Divergent book came out with a protagonist named Tris. I still loved the book, despite the fact that she stole my name. Lol. The name had a lot of significance for my MC, too.
Hi Julie A strong opening for a story that kept my interest to the end. Good job. I have a few suggestions for consideration.Over the years, ….consider telling the reader how many years the boy has been locked up. If you were about to get probed, inside and out…Are you trying to tell the reader the boy is being abused by the doctor, (like having something shoved inside of him) or are you suggesting he would be interrogated? Good luck with your story.
Thanks! I’m glad it held your interest. The MC had been there his entire life. That is made clear later, but I’ll have to think about if I want to reveal that right off. He is about to have a very thorough exam. I never thought about it sounding like sexual abuse. I definitely don’t want anyone to think that. Maybe probed is not a good word to use….Some stuff to think about. Thanks for your critque. 🙂
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre:Mystery/Romance/Sci Fi
Wendy tossed the last of a dozen magazines back onto the coffee table, the collection was unusual, one of the magazines was amazing, not because of its content, which seemed to be about repairing the damage open cut mining does, plenty of before and after shots, the magazine was amazing because it had survived four decades looking as new as the two week old What’s Making news. There were two What’s Making News, separated by a week, but both issues were covering the aftermath of a series of bad storms that tore through two hundred kilometres of the east coast and what high profile politicians were doing or not doing.
Most of the magazines were about the lifestyles of the rich and famous, where they had spent their holidays or what film premier they had attended, and what they wore. The magazines had done their job, they had filled in some time while she waited.
Wendy looked at her watch, she had spent half an hour reading the magazines, and she had tried to read them slow. It was not the first time that she managed to read everything a waiting room had to offer. It was times like this that she wished she had never learnt to read fast.
She would have prefer a clock on the wall, but how many waiting rooms provided a clock to monitor how far behind the office was running. The Lord Keeper of Records, whatever that meant, might keep people waiting, most people…
The Lord Keeper of Records sounds very interesting! That’s where you realize this is no ordinary story. I just wish we’d get that information a little earlier on. Could some of the details about the magazines be cut or is there something significant about them? I love the line about the clock, but it seems like it could be restructured to flow better. “She had no idea how much time had passed as there was no clock in the waiting room. She suspected this omission was deliberate to prevent people from monitoring how far behind the office was running.” might be better, but that’s quite long too. The last paragraph makes me want to read more, but I do think all the magazine talk at the beginning bogs it down a little. I like the character’s voice, and am quite curious about what she’s there for. Good luck with your story. I hope some of this was helpful.