Welcome to week two of Novel Boot Camp! Week one was a wild ride and a fantastic success. Thanks so much to everyone who participated, shared the posts, made donations, and helped out your fellow writers on Twitter and in the Facebook group. Novel Boot Camp would be nothing without you!
This post was originally going to contain the results for workshop #1 (I can hear you all laughing at my optimism), but participation was higher than I expected. There were 115 novel openings posted (that’s about 23,000 words!) and over 1,000 guesses!
So, needless to say, I have not had time to calculate the winners. It may take until after Novel Boot Camp for the results to be posted. Thanks for your patience!
Because participation was higher than expected, this week’s workshop will not have a winner that requires judging (or else I might go insane). I know this isn’t quite as much fun, but take solace in knowing that the more openings you critique, the higher your chance of winning!
How to Critique Other Writers
Before we launch into the rules of the critique, I want to give a brief mini-lecture on how to be a good novel critiquer. Here are some things to keep in mind:
Don’t be mean, hostile, aggressive, or cruel. There’s no reason to put people down or embarrass them for their mistakes. Be kind in pointing out issues. Remember that this may be the internet, but the people posting are real writers with real feelings.
Be honest. Don’t say you like something just because you like the writer or because you want to be supportive. You can be encouraging and still tell the truth.
Reciprocate! Don’t ask for critiques with no intention of providing a critique of your own. This isn’t fair to the writers who take time out to help you.
Be approachable. This isn’t the time or place to use fancy literary terms or to act uppity or pretentious. The goal is to help the other writer, not sound smarter or more accomplished.
Admit what you don’t know. Avoid giving advice or making recommendations when you aren’t sure whether something is right or wrong. If you aren’t sure, say so. Wrong advice can often we worse than no advice.
Focus on Feelings. How you feel about an opening, character, word choice, sentence structure, etc. is very valuable to the writer. A statement like, “I didn’t feel sucked in, and the main character seemed a bit mean.” is often more constructive than a statement like, “I wouldn’t start my novel at this point, and the main character shouldn’t smack the dog.”
The Value of Critiquing
When writers email me asking how to improve their writing, I always tell them to start critiquing! Nothing is as useful at opening up a writer’s eyes to issues and mistakes in their own manuscript as seeing those same issues in someone else’s work.
Make sure to read some other writer’s critiques as well. This can teach you to recognize issues you didn’t even know existed.
Workshop #2: First Page Critique
July 7 – 13
How to Submit Your Novel Opening
*Please read all of the rules before posting.*
Writers will be posting their own submissions this week. You do not need to email me or fill out a form. You may post under your real name or anonymously, but keep in mind that you cannot win if you do not have a username that I can use to identify and contact you.
Your submission should be posted in the comments section below and should include nothing but your genre and the first 250 words. Do not begin or end your post (or reply to your own post) with any additional information. The goal is to get unbiased, authentic critiques.
Example post:
GENRE: YA Science Fiction
She looked at me with fear in her eyes and a laser-gun in her hands….. (stop at 250 words).
Each writer may post up to two openings. Please only post two if you are truly working on two novels at once. Don’t dig into the bowels of your hard drive just to come up with a second opening. In other words, don’t waste your fellow Boot Campers’ time with an opening you’re not serious about.
A note about the submission length: I increased the length from 200 words to 250 words due to a number of complaints about the word count restriction. Only allowing 200 words was an attempt at keeping the contest more manageable. I am allowing Novel Boot Campers to post up to 250 words this week under the condition that posts not exceed that length. Last week a bunch of you tried to pull the wool over my eyes and submitted 300, 400, and even 600 words. Last week I hacked off the extra words, but this week I will not be doing that. If you post more than 250 words, I will delete your submission without explanation.
What to Do After Receiving a Critique
You are welcome to reply to critiques on your work to thank the critiquer or to seek clarification.
Please do not post updated versions of your novel opening. This will prevent any individual writer from dominating the workshop. Asking for subsequent critiques is also asking a lot from your fellow writers who already took time to help you out.
Absolutely do not, under any circumstances, reply to a critique in an aggressive, insulting, or demeaning manor. It’s okay to disagree, but please do so respectfully.
I want this to be a positive and empowering experience for the Novel Boot Campers! If I feel that someone is disrupting that experience, I reserve the right to remove their posts and/or ban them as necessary.
How to Leave a Critique
Please post your critiques as a reply to the novel opening, not as a general reply in the comments section.
Please do not post one sentence critiques, such as, “I liked it.” Why did you like it? Be specific.
Do not mention your writing “status.” For example, do not mention that you’re a published author, an editor, a bestseller, an award-winner, etc. I do not have time to validate these statements and do not want writers being misled into believing they are being given professional advice.
Prize – Free 1,000 Word Critique!
Due to the volume of participants, it is unlikely that I will be able to select a winner based entirely on merit. Unless there is one critiquer who really stands out from the rest, the winner will be selected randomly.
That said, I will check through the posts of the random winner to ensure that they participated to the best of their ability. This means that the winner must have made a minimum of 5 critiques, all of which must be 3 sentences or longer in length.
My Participation
I will be offering critiques as I am willing and able. I’m editing novels 50 hours per week (not including the time spent on Novel Boot Camp) so it is unlikely that I will be able to offer critiques for most writers. 😦
Please do not take it personally! The ones I comment on will be more or less random.
And who knows? Novel Boot Camp will be over someday and maybe I’ll have time then to offer some critiques.
Connect with Other Novel Boot Camp Participants
Need a writing friend? Got a question? Need a shoulder to cry on? We’re there for you!
I will be answering writing and editing questions on our Twitter hashtag as time allows. Due to the insane volume of emails I’m receiving, I cannot provide free advice or assistance via email. Thank you!
What is Novel Boot Camp?
Novel Boot Camp is a free online novel writing course focused on identifying and correcting problems in your novel. Learn more about Novel Boot Camp and find past (and future) posts here.
Ellen Brock 
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Fantasy Dystopian Thriller
She watched as the life dripped from his eyes. Once they were filled with all the colours of the rainbow, as hers were, and yet now they shone a dull red; symbolizing his ascent into adulthood. The tears upon his cheek seemed red, as well. His body had rid itself of the ability to feel any emotion, save one, anger. All the people of Tarth eventually become a living conduit of one of three emotions; anger, peace, or joy. The red in his eyes indicated that he had become a creature of anger. She was the first to meet this new person, and he was one of many to meet the living death.
I like the beginning, it definitely made me want to read more of your story. I do want to know what made him to turn into “creature of anger” and not any of the other options. She seems to me like a caring person. I don’t know why I got that impression but I imagine her kneeling at his side while he lays on the ground. More details (not too much), I think, would help me, as I wouldn’t have to come up with it on my own (if you know what I mean).
Thank-you! I do end up answering your questions a bit later on in the story and the point was to hook the reader more than anything. But, I think you are definitely right and I should be more clear about the information I am conveying. Thank-you for the helpful and kind words 🙂
This is definitely a strong opening. You set up the world really well through the eyes, and it’s a cool and interesting concept. It reminded me of Divergent, probably because of emotions being related to groupings. I don’t understand the final sentence about the “living death” but I’m assuming that’s about to be explained. I like the name “Tarth” too. Is it a play on “earth” I wonder?
Thankyou so much for the kind words :). I think that the last sentence was a problem for everybody so I should definitely change it! Thanks again. 🙂
The beginning is intriguing. It pulled me in, to a point, but I do have a couple suggestions. Often in writing it’s better to cut down on adverbs as much as possible and use stronger verbs and adjectives instead (this isn’t to say you should never use adverbs – they’re fun! Just not too much). Also, words like “seemed, like, sort of” are often unnecessary and I would suggest deleting these from your intro – it slows it down for the reader. (example: “The tears upon his cheek were red”) The second sentence – I would use “yet” or “and” not both. Overall, nice description – it’s dark and suspenseful!
Yeah, people have been telling me to cut out the adverbs so I should probably listen. Thankyou for your time and the kind words! 🙂
I think your opening does a very good job of immediately defining the genre and from the first paragraph I get a good sense of what to expect from the rest of the novel. I find it a little difficult to connect to the characters right away as no information other than the gender is given about them so I’m a bit unsure how to feel about the transition he’s making – but it does definitely intrigue me to find out more about them and what has happened. I feel slightly mislead by the opening line as it implies that he is dead but we find out at the end of the second line that he is not. Personally, I also find the line a little common or perhaps cliché. I don’t think these would be an issue typically, but as it is the first line I feel as though you could make it much more original and powerful just by making a few tweaks. Although Tarth is a great place name that you probably came up with yourself, it now holds a huge connection to Game of Thrones/A Song of Ice and Fire. It’s the first thing I thought of when I read the name, when you want the reader to be focused on your story not someone else’s. I think overall it is a very good opening paragraph and I would definitely want to keep reading to see what is going on.
OH NO. TARTH HAS ALREADY BEEN TAKEN. I guess it is back to the drawing board then; thankyou for pointing that out though! It would have been devastating if I found out later on in the process. Thankyou for the kind words by the way 🙂 and thankyou for your time.
I really love this beginning. It introduces us to the world very well, sets a tone of despair and definitely leaves me very curious and interested.
I don’t understand the last part of the final sentence, “and he was one of many to meet the living death.” What do you mean by living death. When i read it, it sounded like something that was just put in there for a shock effect, or to garner a particular emotion. If the next paragraphs don’t carry on to further clarify what it means, i would suggest you remove it.
A small, nitpicky grammatical correction: I would suggest a colon instead of a semicolon in the fifth sentence right before “anger, peace, or joy” since you are providing a list.
Overall, this intro definitely made me feel a lot of feels. Intrigue and curiosity especially. I’m all agog about the world, and the characters! And i think you do a fantastic job of carving a beginning that makes me want to keep reading!
Thankyou Julz :3 Yeah, the ending wasn’t actually for added effect, but I think it was a little too much. I’ll be editing that portion for sure…and I’ll replace that semi colon with a colon for sure 😀 Thankyou for your time!!
This is a good opening, I really like the imagery. I feel that you have put a lot of thought into your world, it seems deep and real to me. You give the reader a lot of information right here in the beginning so you might want to break it up. I use the iceberg theory, an iceberg is mostly underwater, over 3/4ths so whatever you see on top of the water is just a sliver compared to what’s below. Hint at the depth you don’t need to explain everything in the front. Maybe focus more on just the Ascent itself describe the process of it, how does it happen. When it happens what does it look like when he ascends. How does it feel to become a creature of anger. Or show from her perspective maybe make him almost die in his transformation and she somehow pulls him through. Story is conflict. Keep going though just show me your world, show me the people who live in it. You got this, don’t stop writing your good at it.
Haha, there was so much more to it than this, so I guess I was taking the easy way by info dumping in the beginning. Yeah, I should definitely space this out some more and thankyou for the tip! That is a really good idea (about the iceberg thing). Also, thankyou for all the kind words 😀 And your time of course!
I think you have a great first sentence. I kind of wish she had a name, because I am drawn to her and I want to connect with her all the more. I know the convention is not a lot of adverbs, but I don’t feel like you over use them. I liked your descriptions and didn’t feel they were wordy at all.
Oh, shucks, thankyou! Yeah, the name thing…I’m not sure what I am going to do for that. Thankyou for the really kind words! c:
Joshua, you have captured the sombre tone of a mother losing her son to evil. Well done. A couple of suggestions for you to consider, change passive verbs for action. Example: Instead of…once they were filled, consider, Once they dazzled. Another example: The tears upon his cheek seemed red, as well….They are either red or they’re not. Example: Blood red tears dripped down his cheeks….or something like that. Another consideration, you might want to tell the reader that Tarth people exhibit one of three emotions which provides the introduction to the boy’s fate. Good luck with your story.
Thank-you! This critique is actually really intriguing because the boy and girl in this paragraph don’t actually have a name. It was a risky move, but I left it to the reader to imagine who they were and what type of position they were in and its not until the next section that I begin the actual story. I realize that this was probably a poor choice for my part, but it’s just the way I wanted it to start! 🙂 Thankyou for the suggestions and for your time- it really means a lot!
Nice opening line. “…as hers were…” made me look twice, though. Hmmm… the full opening left me feeling puzzled as I understood the opening line to mean that the boy was dying. But by the end, I got the opposite idea [that’s he’s alive]. Perhaps a different opening? “She watched as a former life dripped from his eyes.” I’m guessing vampires?
The last bit about vampires actually made me chuckle. I should probably reword and extend quite a few of the sentences aha. You are definitely right in that respect! Thanks!
I remember reading this at Guess the Genre game and there was more afterward about a female character farming, I think? Just a note about point-of-view. I had assumed that the female character was the one being referred to in this passage, but a commenter (Sharon) said it was about a mother watching her son enter Ascension. I can see where she would interpret it that way. We have the disadvantage of not seeing the rest of the chapter, so it will probably be cleared up by further reading. Perhaps adding her name (as Sarah Bailey suggested) would not only help with point-of-view, but would help us connect better to the main character (as Liz pointed out).
In an effort to provide some original critique (sorry for piggy-backing on other people comments), would this perhaps do well as a prologue? I know Ellen said prologues can lead to a false promise, but I don’t think this would be the case in this situation. As everyone has mentioned, this is a very strong beginning and it gives the reader insight into what to expect. I can also see the last line “…he was one of many to meet the living death” as a lead in to the rest of the story. We don’t know what it means, but it sounds like something that will be explained in the story.
Yeah, this was originally intended as a very short type of prologue, but I am not sure what to do with it at this point. And about the point of view; my goal had been reached then! It wasn’t actually my main character, it was another person (which was also why I wanted to use this as a short prologue). Thank you for the kind words by the way and I wish you all the best!
I remember reading this from the first workshop and you’ve really worked hard on it. The red eyes really help to know that it means he’s the anger one. Great job 🙂
Oh haha, thank-you kindly! I am glad you liked it!
I definitely feel like your opening fits with your genre. I agree with some of the others about removing the word “seemed” in reference to the red tears. I think it’s more powerful to say they were red tears whereas “seemed” is more passive. I stumbled over the phrase “as hers were” — it felt a little awkward to me. I’m wondering if you might consider capitalizing “anger” when you say “he had become a creature of Anger.” When I read it I got the impression that he now belonged to Anger and it seemed like Anger might be a character unto itself. I did think of Game of Thrones when I read the word Tarth and your last sentence didn’t make sense to me… the part about “meet the living death.” I don’t know if the next passage adds any clarity to that part. If so, I’m sure I’d be able to follow along. Otherwise maybe there’s another way to convey what you’re trying to say that might make more sense to the reader. Good job on creating a dark and mysterious world… it’s left me curious about the relationship between the two characters.
Thankyou! I do agree, my passive words need to go since it doesn’t help with imagery or anything else. The last part will probably have to be changed aswell! Lots of people were really confused by it and that really wasn’t my intention! And I’m so mad that Tarth was already a thing. I’ll change it eventually! Thankyou for your time and for the kind words 🙂
I enjoy Dystopian novels though I am unfamiliar with the genre of Fantasy Dystopian Thriller. I think you definitely hook the reader with the first 7 sentences of your novel. I would definitely read on. I get that his tears are important in this passage. Is that why you referenced water terms several times (dripped, rainbow, tears)? The word “dripped” seems to be a description of his life washing away and his tears seeming red as evidence that he is moving toward anger. But you also have his eyes as “shone a dull red”, which seems to signal a transformation going on inside of the body. I wanted a clearer distinction that the dripping and tears referenced his old self and his red eyes were now referencing his new being as a creature of anger.
Perhaps you could tighten up the writing by cutting back on the initial “she” filter (i.e. changing “She watched as the life dripped from his eyes” to “Life dripped from his eyes”), and maybe showing more as opposed to telling what things symbolize (i.e. changing “The red in his eyes indicated that he had become a creature of anger” to “HIs eyes were red; he had become a creature of anger”).
I get that she is not yet an adult because her eyes are still rainbows, and I think she is saddened by his transformation, but I am not sure. I also did not fully understand the last line – maybe many had entered adulthood that day – but I am not bothered that I don’t know. I think the first 7 sentences should leave the reader with more questions than answers.
Nice Job.
I’ve been told by various people that I need to cut back on the filter words and I totally agree! They have got to go! I guess that its hard to explain something as big as this in such a small word count (and I wanted to keep the word count as small as possible). I do end up explaining a lot of this stuff in more detail later on so I am hoping that the questions that I am leaving the reader with don’t result in confusion. Thankyou for your time and your kind words! Good luck with your own writing!
This is a strong beginning! I like it! It pulls the reader in and makes you want to keep reading to see how people become a living conduit. I think knowing more about “she” would be helpful.
It probably wouldn’t help that even I don’t know who “she” or “he” are. Haha.
Firstly, I love the name Tarth! I would suggest you clarify that his eyes are the things that were once “filled with all the colours of the rainbow” and not the actual characters themselves (I didn’t realize you were talking about his eyes until I got to “as hers were”, but that could just be me). I also agree with some of the above commenters on removing the word “seemed” from the story and introducing the characters by name. Also, the last sentence confuses me a bit. Apart from that, I am most definitely interested in reading more of the story.
“Seemed” just doesn’t work in that section. I totally agree! And the name Tarth was apparently already taken so I guess it is back to the drawing board! 😛 Thankyou for the kind words and your time!
Well done. I feel terribly sad for both of them, which would definitely make me read on. The idea of a person who feels only pure anger is original and compelling. However, he’d have to be Darth Vader on Red Bull. Is that the level of intensity you intend?
Your voice could be stronger, I think. Since you are writing this omniscient, why not take advantage and stamp down your facts rather than seek to explain them, which weakens you. You are in charge. We are in your world.
Also, I wonder if this opening could be written angry by making the sentences terse. Saving words will make it unsettling, like the character, while keeping the reader’s empathy. You’ve earned that by making something so horrible happen to him.
I think you could use fewer words anyway, because there are repeats here and there, albeit written a different way. Below are just examples which will hopefully give you an indication of what I mean. However, this could be wrong for your novel and you may not agree with me at all.
She watched as the life dripped from his eyes.
((Flip this line to make it active. Dying is active, watching is passive, so:
((The life dripped from his eyes as she watched)).
Once they were filled with all the colours of the rainbow
((Once they were filled with rainbows.))
, as hers were,
((Just like hers.))
and yet now they shone a dull red;
((Now they shone dull red.))
symbolizing his ascent into adulthood.
((He was an adult.)) ((end first paragraph))
The tears upon his cheek seemed red, as well.
((Either they were or they weren’t, so…
((The tears on his cheek were red too.))
All the people of Tarth eventually become a living conduit of one of three emotions; anger, peace, or joy.
((Because adults of Tarth carried one emotion: Joy. Peace. Anger.))
His body had rid itself of the ability to feel any emotion, save one, anger. The red in his eyes indicated that he had become a creature of anger.
((And he had become a creature of anger.)) ((or fury, so that “anger” is not repeated)).
She was the first to meet this new person,
((She was the first to meet that anger.))
and he was one of many to meet the living death.
((But many of his kind knew this living death.))
Woah! Thankyou for all of these suggestions 🙂 Its a lot to take in, let me just address each one individually here
1) The Darth Vader on Red Bull thing: haha, I’ve never heard that one before, but I guess in a way that would be kind of true? Haha.
2) The story is actually in third person limited. This was originally intended to be a super short prologue so the tensing and voice might not actually match the story itself and I don’t exactly intend on changing the voice in this area.
3)I guess it could be written angrily! I think I will try that tonight and compare the before and after! Thanks for the idea.
4) gah. Repeats. There is so much to explain, so much to do. There is so much information that could zoom past the reader and I think my goal was to make this paragraph understandable. Its a hard mix and your ciritique proves that it still needs tweaking!
5) And now we arrive at the actually suggestion- suggestions. These are good corrections and I will try them, but my goal was to give the reader a sense of helplessness- you know? I think a lot of these will work though, so thankyou!
Thankyou over all for this elaborate critique! It helped and bunch! Thankyou for your time and I wish you the best in all of your writing ventures!
This really intrigues me. I love the concept and this opening sucked me in right off. I realize you put a lot of effort into creating a clever first line–as we all do–but “dripped” bothered me. I pictured stuff dripping out. Maybe it is? That said, “drained” and “faded” seem overused. Sorry, that doesn’t help does it? No one else was concerned with the word, so maybe it’s just me.
I agree with cutting the word “seemed” and “that” should go, too. “Eventually” is the only adverb I see here, and I think it’s fine. I am also bothered by “living death”, but I believe you are going to work on that.
I see you’ve been alerted to the problem with Tarth. Doesn’t it suck when someone else has used your name? Been there.
I’m fascinated by this change that takes place, and wouldn’t mind a little more description. Is he just lying there? What is the setting?
It is a great beginning, though. A little tweaking and it will be awesome.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: High Fantasy
The screaming had returned.
They say the threat of pain is even more persuasive than the pain itself. They, whoever they are, have obviously never been through the White Tower’s Purging. Wiping the blood from his mouth, Ferrin lay on his side, in the corner of the interrogation room, waiting for the tower guards to take him back to his cell. Another round of beatings ended, he mused, spitting more blood onto the floor in front of him. I’m definitely wearing them down. He chuckled to himself, with a morose sense of amusement that teetered dangerously close to the edge of insanity, as he listened to the growing sound of heeled boots.
Ferrin had to say this for his would-be captors; they were, if anything, proficient. First, a light whimper could be heard, and from there, uncontrolled sobbing, as another unfortunate soul was fastened to the large wire-bound rack. The arrival of an Inquisitor triggered the next phase in this ongoing cycle, leaving the victim to fall into one of two categories: beggar or spitter. At this juncture, true fear had not yet manifested itself. That was saved for later, and with it, the only guarantee was that later was undoubtedly coming.
Two eight-days had passed since his unlawful arrest and subsequent imprisonment within the White Tower. I’m still alive, he kept telling himself, a chant of hope to ward off the desperation that threatened to consume him.
Great first line – really draws the reader in. I personally find descriptions of torture to be a bit hard to take. I’m also not sure how severe the torture is if Ferrin can sort of laugh it off. You say Ferrin feels despertion, but that feels at odds with the humor. I know humor can be a coping mechanism, but I don’t know Ferrin yet, so this is confusing. I get that “two eight-days” is introducing a new time measurement for this world, but it required a couple of readings and I think it might be a bit early for that. I love the name Ferrin!
I liked the beginning. I would probably keep reading (though it’s not my favorite genre) but I like Ferrin already. He seems rebellious and stubborn. I liked this sentence ” …a morose sense of amusement that teetered dangerously close to the edge of insanity, as he listened to the growing sound of heeled boots”
The second paragraph, first sentence: “Ferrin had to say this for his would-be captors; they were, if anything, proficient.” I had to read it 3 times to see what you were saying, maybe it’s just me, but I’d suggest deleting the first part and leave it as “His would-be captors were proficient” (the “if anything” slows it down a little, but this may just be a style preference) and I’m confused about the “would-be” because, in my mind, I thought he was already captured?
The last paragraph – “Two eight-days had passed” – I’m assuming 16 days have passed, so it appears that 8 days is considered a week, or that’s just how they say it in this world? This is probably just me, because I don’t read a lot of fantasy, but it threw me off a bit. Overall, nice work.
I do like the beginning, it is intriguing. There’s a bit of info dumping but its done in such way that it created a scenery. At this point I would like to know more about the main character. Is he scared, waiting for a rescue or is ready for what is yet to come? If I knew more a bout his feelings it would help me attach to him, as for now i feel nothing toward him.
The first two lines are great. Who is screaming? What is the threat of pain? What is inflicting the actual pain that is so bad? These draw me in right away to find the answers and they seem to imply what the theme and tones of the rest of the novel, but I’m not sure the rest of the opening follows through or if we clearly get the answers to these questions. Is it initially Ferrin that is screaming or is it other people? There’s no reference to his threat of pain, just his actual/implied pain to which he chuckles at. There is other’s screaming later and the threat of fear which seem near the mark but don’t quite connect to the questions. It was a very powerful opening that sparked my interest instantly, that I feel deserved some more attention to answer the questions I had read on to find. There also seem to be a few more questions that are raised: how is he wearing them down when they’ve just given him a beating? How are they would-be captors instead of just actual captors? I think that because these stand out a little, and make me pull a puzzled face, they perhaps could be explained sooner. I also think you could create much punchier sentences by removing the additional information that doesn’t add much to the story e.g “They, whoever they are, have obviously never been through the White Tower’s Purging” would sound punchier as just “They have obviously never been through the White Tower’s Purging” (see also: they were, if anything, proficient). Those points aside, I think we get a good sense of what Ferrin’s character will be like, and I think most people love a strong character fighting defiantly against the higher power and it shows from the beginning that he is most definitely a spitter. I can already feel a picture of the world forming in my head, and I have a good idea of who the good guys and bad guys are. While I’m not sure what the exact plot will be, I get a good idea of what direction it will take and what I can expect from the novel. Overall, I think it as opening with great potential and I want to find out more about Ferrin and this new world
This is good, your humorous and I really enjoy your style. But I think you should try and slow this down, zoom in on one specific beating, really get in there and show me this guy just getting way-layed(is that a word) Or since the executioner is so good at his job you could show me this ,maybe he and the MC could have a humorous discourse about torture methods while he is torturing the main character. 16 days in a jail cell being tortured is a big deal, and I just feel you should zoom in more on it. He needs to cope. Show me how he almost gave up once and offed himself, I’m just throwing out ideas. It’s good though. Your style is already there I can see it.
I really liked the first sentence – great hook, but I would consider losing the word “had”. It tends to make a statement more passive, and yours is not a passive statement. You paint a picture of your world that’s easy to see, and easy to get invested in. I think you have a great start.
I really like that first line! Pulled me in and made me very curious to know what the screaming was all about.
I found the next paragraphs, though, to be a little lackluster. There was quite a bit of exposition, and it was difficult to trudge through. I understand that this is High Fantasy, but even then, i felt like you could cut back on some of the description.
I really like the narrator’s humour and the way he is shrugging off the torture even though it’s driving him off the deep end. I certainly hope that this tone continues throughout the rest of the book.
I also loved that you started the story off with action, and with this character deep in a terrifying situation.
Overall, apart from a little too much exposition (which i think should be saved for later chapters since the intent of the first chapter is to grab the reader), i really enjoyed this beginning. I like the narrator, the tone, and the point at which you chose to start the story.
Well done, Michael. As a reader, I definitely want to see more and I’ve never been a Fantasy reader.
I’d have to see where you’re going with this first,but I wonder if an adjustment to the 2nd sentence might be in order? I see Ferrin (already!) as someone bucking the usual torture trend. If that’s the case, then he wouldn’t have made such a definitive statement “have obviously never been through the White Tower’s Purging.”
Cutting that out, or toning it down would make all that follows work even better, I think.
For example:
He wondered if *they* [italic] have ever been through the White Tower’s Purging?
I like that he feels HE’s wearing THEM down (or at least muses about doing so). I think the foregoing change, or something similar to it, would make all the rest of it work better. But it depends on where you’re going with it!
Overall, the time you put into learning your craft really shows through. I would have kept reading had there been more to read!
Michael, you paint a picture of a man determined to survive anything his captors have to throw at time. I hope he has a plan.,heheh. Well done.
A few suggestions for your consideration: Check adverbs…ly’s as I call them and strengthen your verbs: Example: obviously, never been through….you might say, they never encountered White Tower…or something like that. Another round of beatings ended, he mused. Is Ferrin saying these words out loud or is he thinking them. I think you’ll need to italicize if he’s thinking them or add quotes if spoken out loud. I think there should be a period after chuckled to himself and start a new sentence. “teetered dangerously close to to the edge” …close and to the edge suggest the same thing. Why not say….teetered to the edge of insanity….Good luck with your story.
Sorry, the four (4) phrases I have in italics (his personal thoughts) didn’t convert to her website from my document…unfortunately. I was a little disheartened, since I realize it does make a difference in the mind’s eye. 🙂
I’d drop the ‘…in front of him…’ It felt superfluous, and stood out. “I’m definitely wearing them down.” Best line of the day! Woot!
A strong opening that evokes atmosphere with a heavy hand. Offset by the enduring-against-all-odds attitude of our protagonist. Definitely wanted more.
I like this a lot “The arrival of an Inquisitor triggered the next phase in this long cycle, leaving the victim to fall into one of two categories: beggar or spitter.” it really makes me ‘the reader’ figure that out for myself. 🙂
Ferrin reminds me a little of Kelsier from Mistborn and Kvothe from The Name of the Wind. He seems like a man who can withstand torture, outsmart his enemies while keeping his humor intact. I’m already intrigued by him and I’m eager to see how he’ll get out of this situation.
I was going to point out that his thoughts should be italicized, but I read in later comments that when you copy and pasted, it didn’t translate onto Ellen’s page.
If I may make a suggestion, for the sentence, “They say the threat of pain is even more persuasive than the pain itself. They, whoever they are, have obviously never been through the White Tower’s Purging,” to “The threat of pain is even more persuasive than the pain itself. Those who believe that have obviously never been through the White Tower’s Purging.” It’s a very minor change, but leaving out the pronoun they makes the sentence more concise and gets straight to the heart of the purging.
If I may also make another suggestion, after that sentence, I would recommend starting a new paragraph at “Wiping away…” It’s merely a stylistic choice, but it gives emphasis to the message of pain and hits the reader next with strong imagery of Ferrin bloody and tortured.
Overall, I really enjoyed this selection from your chapter. Good luck!
Good suggestion on the “new paragraph start” I believe it does add punch!
You’ve done a great job of creating an image in my head. Through your words I can see the whole scene in my mind and almost smell the desperation your character is feeling. A couple of suggestions… I’d add something to this line such as “he listened to the growing sound of approaching heeled boots” or “he listened to the approaching sound of heeled boots.” I saw your comment that your italics disappeared, otherwise I would suggest you italicize his inner thoughts since some of your sentences seem to be his inner dialogue. I like your distinction of “beggar or spitter” – your balance of humor and horror really works. I’m a big Game of Thrones fan and so far Ferrin reminds me of Tyrion. Not sure whether or not you’re a fan of that show but I mean it as a compliment!
Thanks Kimaowen…I’ve actually never watched it 🙂 To many negative elements in it for my taste.
Interesting start to a novel; the first sentence is a good hook. I wasn’t sure if the next two sentences were author narration or Ferrin’s thoughts. It seems like it should be Ferrin’s. I like how Ferrin is mentally defiant in this opening and amused by what is going on while knowing the true fear will come. Perhaps the second two sentences could be reworked a bit to tie Ferrin and his attitude into the statement (i.e.. They say the threat of pain is even more persuasive than the pain itself. Well, whoever they are, they’re idiots, thought Ferrin as he wiped blood from his mouth from the corner of the interrogation room. They obviously had never been through the White Tower’s Purging.)
“I’m definitely wearing them down. He chuckled to himself.” Should be ” I’m definitely wearing them down, he chuckled to himself.”
Not sure what two eight-days means? I would like some background of this character. I like him but knowing what he just went through would be good too
Great start. Pulled me right in!
The first line made me think that this was going to be a supernatural/horror story. I really like the image you managed to paint in my mind with the words “beggar or spitter”. I’m wondering why Ferrin would think he’s wearing “them” down, when he is the one being interrogated. I’m wondering why he referred to his captors as would-be captors. Your wording in the second paragraph confused me a bit. Who is the one whimpering, and which room was it coming from? I also don’t understand why the term “two eight-days” was used. The beginning paragraph is the stronger one, although a little difficult to read. Overall, I think the story is interesting, but lacking detail.
Ooh, this is another that stood out to me in the guessing game. Stellar first line.
When he spits on the floor, we would assume it’s in front of him (unless he’s a creative spitter and shoots it over his back), so just leave that out.
The description about teetering dangerously close to the edge of insanity is awesome, but
“growing sound of heeled boots” sounds awkward.
Would-be-captors should just be captors, right?
Love the beggar or spitter part. The last sententence of that paragraph–about later undoubtably coming–is great.
Two eight-days doesn’t bother me that much. I did pause at that, but it’s fantasy and this kind of stuff comes with the territory.
The first paragraph really pulled me in. When you mentioned approaching footsteps, I assumed they were coming for him and geared up for some good stuff. But, alas, they went to someone else. While the second paragraph contains some good lines, I was a bit disappointed with him just listening and it felt like a device to tell the reader about the methods of torture.
That said, I really do like this character’s voice and I like where you chose to start the story. You’ve got something good started here.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Klaudia was on her way home from her job where she had worked for the last three years. She began working there at the age of 20. While she was walking through John Paul II Alley in Warsaw all she could think of was her relationship. Her thin eyebrows were drawn up and together, creating a vertical wrinkle between her brows. Her small red lips were stretched horizontally, making them look even smaller.
She closed her big blue eyes as they became watery. She stopped suddenly “enough is enough,” she said out loud crossing her arms together. “I just have to stop thinking. It doesn’t do me any good. We’re together, I love him, I NEED HIM and that’s that,” she thought and stamped her foot. “I need a little bit of ME time to clear my head,” Klaudia walked into one of the biggest shopping centers in Poland, she decided to have a look at the new collection of clothing. While browsing around she thought, “that’s it. You can’t go wrong with a bit of retail therapy.” A gentle smile appeared across her face, which made her grin as the pain on her split lip increased.
Later that evening Klaudia shut the door of her two bedroom apartment that she shared with her six year old daughter. She closed her eyes and let out a loud sigh. The last couple of months hadn’t been easy on her and her boyfriend Damian. Something along the way went wrong,
G: Contemporary
Although your opening is good, it could be better if some of the back story was truncated.
For instance, we do not need to know right away that she began working at the store from the age of 20.
Also, if the opening premise is about her relationship problems with her boyfriend, a better approach would be to drop the reader right into the action. Instead of her musing about her relationship with Damien, you could start with a full blown argument between them. This way the reader can intuit that everything is not okay between them and you can drop hints about their past problems.
Lastly, if you POV is third person limited, she cannot see her ‘thin eyebrows create a wrinkle between her brows.’ I was also a bit confused by ‘A gentle smile appeared across her face, which made her grin as the pain on her split lip increased’ ( After rereading, I guessed that her grinning increased her pain which isn’t immediately clear from the sentence).
Words like ‘thought’, ‘looked’, ‘watched’ are filter words which distance the reader from your main protagonist. For internal monologues, you could do away with the tag and italicize the sentences.
Eg: While browsing around she thought, “that’s it. You can’t go wrong with a bit of retail therapy.”
She browsed around the store pleased. that’s it. You can’t go wrong with a bit of retail therapy
Overall, I liked that we have a clear idea of who the protagonist is, and not too many characters are introduced right away.
Hope this helps!
Good luck!
There’s a lot of information dumping here – you don’t have to tell us Klaudia’s age, hair color, face shape, lips, eye color in the first paragraph. Think about what the reader NEEDS to know right now. I personally think the most engaging part is the relationship information, and the split lip. I love the name Klaudia, and I think a novel set in Warsaw is really different.
I like the character’s name and the location is interesting. I was thrown off by the first two sentences though, because I don’t see any connection with where she’s worked and the rest of the first page here. I can gather that she’s 23 now, but other than that it didn’t feel important. I’d suggest this: “Klaudia was walking through John Paul II Alley in Warsaw, and all she could think about was her relationship…” There’s a lot of description about her facial features – my suggestion is just use one of those sentences, whichever you feel is most important. It’s not that the reader doesn’t care what she looks like, but I feel that with a little bit of info here and there, I can use my imagination and see her in my mind. Example: “Her thin eyebrows were drawn up and together, creating a vertical wrinkle between her brows and her eyes watered” BTW: “big blue eyes” is rather cliche, I think, I’d suggest describing her eyes differently. Also, I know what you’re trying to say, but the way this sentence is worded “A gentle smile appeared across her face, which made her grin as the pain on her split lip increased” it sounds like she’s grinning because the pain is increasing. Suggestion: “A gentle smile appeared across her face, stretching the split on her lip and sending a jolt of pain to her jaw. She stopped grinning” – something like this would show that even in moments where she could be content or happy, she’s not because there’s those little reminders of the abuse she endures. She can’t escape it. Overall, I find the character and storyline interesting – pregnant at 15 or 16, alone in a 2 bedroom apartment, and possibly trapped with an abusive boyfriend – I’d like to know what happens,
You have a good understanding of your characters, and she seems like a real person to me. You need though to show me a story in this opening. Maybe have her going shopping and then you can describe how she feels better as she does it. Then have something happen while she is shopping like her credit cards getting declined, so she thinks she will feel better picking out these clothes but gets to the counter and ‘oh no ma’am I’m sorry no relief for you.’ Again I’m just talking off the top of my head, but you need to work out a way to express this backstory in story. But this way you realize she is in dire straits without saying it, or even have her see her man with another woman at the mall etc. Your doing good though, just keep writing.
You start the story with quite a bit of info dumping which is never a good sign.
Also, a lot of the things Klaudia was saying sounded extremely artificial and not like something someone would ever say to themselves. E.g. “I need a little bit of ME time to clear my head.”
It’d be different if she was merely thinking these things, but saying them aloud? Not very realistic, to me.
Secondly, starting off by describing, in such detail, Klaudia’s physical features was unnecessary, in my opinion. I think you should cut out the description, and save it for a later chapter when it actually because important.
Also, this line: “A gentle smile appeared across her face, which made her grin as the pain on her split lip increased.” I’m not sure what you mean by this. A gentle smile on her lips made her grin? Maybe you mean “grimace”? Because of the sting from her split lip. I think this sentence needs to be reconstructed.
There was quite a dramatic jump from that and the next paragraph. One second she’s in the retail store, and the next she’s at home, in her bedroom. It’s way too sudden and you certainly need a smoother transition there.
The sentences aren’t very connected and they read very oddly, so you might want to take a closer look at that.
I like the concept and tone of the story, and it sounds like a plot i could really get into. I already feel Klaudia’s misery radiating off the screen, and i think this is a story i could really get into, but it definitely needs some work.
The opening definitely sparks an interest once we get to the casual comment about her split lip – what the story is really going to be about. There is a lot of information before this point that we don’t need to know just yet – a lot of info dumping and appearance descriptions which don’t draw me in. I think the story could possibly begin at a different point that really highlights the abuse such as an argument, or hiding her bruises from a friend while shopping etc.
Personally, I do not get a very good first impression of your character and I do not feel like I can relate to them initially. To me, it does not seem believable that someone of 20 would stop in the middle of the street alone, talk to themselves, cross their arms and stomp their feet. I can’t sympathise with a character who is having (what seems like) a tantrum on their own over boy trouble. I feel like this scene would be much more effective after we find out about the abuse, where we know the boy trouble is much more serious and we sympathise with her situation and how she probably does feel very frustrated and like she needs him as is often the case. I am, however, confused at the word choice of “enough is enough.” Reading again, I would think that it was referring to the abuse which may be confusing. Is she referring to enough thinking?
Where she stops, she also goes from speaking out loud to thinking in her head. For this scene I think consistency would be much more powerful and less jarring, whether she only thinks or only speaks. The transition from “tantrum” to a gentle smile while shopping also seemed a bit jarring to me, there was no calming down or ease into another emotion.
The story seems like it could be very interesting and I am intrigued to see how it will play out. I am interested in the back story: how did she get pregnant at 13/14? When did this all begin? What has gone wrong along the way? How serious is it? It set the tone for what to expect in the rest of the novel very well. Overall, I think the story shows promise but I think the opening would be better executed with a scene of conflict to do with the abuse.
Klaudia, your storyline is hidden under a lot of unnecessary facts. Instead of telling us that all she could think about was her relationship, I suggest you put the reader in the middle of the conflict and then describe Klaudia’s sudden reaction to the dismal circumstances she finds herself in. A shopping spree and a split lip would not make me smile. Realistically, if someone split my lip, i wouldn’t be shopping for an outfit, I’d be purchasing a revolver for protection for myself and my child.. Also, the reader has no idea how long these two have been in a relationship? The child is six years old and she’s twenty-three. Is Damian the father? Where are her parents? The ending suggests she feels sorry for Damian. How can that be? He split her lip. Good luck with your story.
Hmmm… first two sentences felt like an odd jumble of info dump/introduction. I think combining the two a bit more assertively would give you better opening line.
Third line – drop “While she was…” and this line grabs me.
“I need a little more…” Long run-on sentence that halts the momentum.
Woops – where was the lip split before? ‘increased’ made me look back to see if I had missed anything.
‘Later that evening’ line felt very Info-Dump. I get that you’re introducing your character, but I felt like you were cramming her into my face, instead of just letting me get to know her.
I like that you mention the pain of the split lip. It’s good to show senses other than visual. I agree with the others who have suggested rewording it.
“A slight smile at this was enough to trigger another pain spike from her split lip.”
Something like that.
You did a great job of making Klaudia’s dilemma quite clear to me. As a reader, I like to know the protagonist’s dilemma early on and you nailed this.
I think this part “Her thin eyebrows were drawn up and together,”, you could remove the and and it still shows me the action because of what follows it. The musings about ‘him’ make me feel like its unnatural. I’m not sure how to explain it but it feels like she’s doing a lot of thinking but its the same. Maybe a bit more about why she loves him and needs him and why she needs some head clearing? Is he driving her crazy? is he being a jerk? I just don’t know.
Sorry I hit enter too soon. But I liked the story. I like the visual of this line “A gentle smile appeared across her face, which made her grin as the pain on her split lip increased.”
If I may make a suggestion, if the details of her physical description and character history were cut out, the beginning would be left with her leaving work and coming home to her small apartment that she shares with her six year old daughter. If this is how you want the reader to meet Klaudia, it would be compelling to read if you sprinkled details about her history with a conversation with her daugher once she gets home. It would be a powerful scene if it was her daughter who noticed the split lip.
I also understand the need for retail therapy. Klaudia is looking for a way to feel better about her situation, but it doesn’t reflect well on her that she’s out shopping while her six year old daughter is home alone, waiting for her. That’s how this scene read for me. However, if it’s a scene you want to keep, consider tightening the scene by Klaudia popping in the store, but hurries to get back to her daughter. She shouldn’t be spending money on frivolous things, but she can’t help it. It turns out to be a gift for her daughter. Her daughter is elated, but soon realizes the cost of it. This could be another way to illustrate Klaudia’s situation to us.
It’s a very promising story. Keep writing, but remember to show, not just tell.
I’m excited about the setting of your story… I think it will provide an interesting backdrop. I agree with many of the other reviewers that much of the information you include feels like an info dump. I would focus on exactly what the reader needs to know to get pulled into the story…focus on the rocky relationship. When I first started reading your opening it felt like a drama but then it took a very lighthearted twist when she started thinking about retail therapy. I think I would keep the more serious tone, otherwise it feels like she’s making too light of the abuse. I also didn’t find it realistic that she would be talking to herself out loud and stomping her feet. I like how you allude to the abuse with the comment about the split lip. Your readers will be smart enough to figure some things out. My suggestion would be to try to find the balance between giving them enough information to hook them without just dumping a bunch of info. Good luck with your story!
I don’t really get pulled into the story until she closes her eyes and starts talking. I think it would be helpful to split up the dialogue somehow and make it away from the descriptions. they seem to be lost in the paragraph. It seems to run a little fast with the way it jumps from her thinking to being home in the afternoon.
I’m not quite drawn into the story, and it might be because the wording is a bit weak. I feel as though I’m just reading words (and info dumps) rather than being given a picture of Klaudia and her current emotions/surroundings. So far I only know what is going on in her head and I don’t know enough about Klaudia to care about her love life. Also, her thoughts don’t feel very authentic. I wasn’t expecting the jump from her walk home to ‘later that evening’ so quickly. It was a bit unexpected.
I’m really curious to know more about her. To me, the fact that she lives in Poland is a bit refreshing and got me more interested in the story.
I get from this that Klaudia is a single mother who is having relationship problems with her boyfriend. Her split lip hints that he may be abusive.
The first line is so important- you want it to be something interesting, or even shocking, something that has impact. We don’t really need to know how long she’s had her job at this point. I see that you tried to work the descriptions of her features into the story, but it can be too much when it’s all done at once.
I noticed that you used her dialogue to give us an idea of her feelings about her relationship, but I have a hard time believing that anyone would stop in the street and start saying all of this stuff out loud to themselves. Maybe she could be thinking these things instead.
Actually, it would be better to start with her interacting with her boyfriend, or having a conversation with a concerned friend who thinks she should leave him- something with conflict.
Hope this helps.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: YA Paranormal
I’m on my knees, hands buried to the wrists in dirt. My fingers lock around something long and smooth. I pull, and a thick, white bone comes easily through the soil, releasing puffs of earthy smelling dust. I stare at the bone in disbelief. On the ground in front of me more bones have breached the soil. This can’t be real. I inhale a shaky breath, and some of the dust. Threads of panic twist through my body, like live wires under my skin. I rock back on my heels, dropping the bone. To my left a clump of hunchbacked trees stretch their parched branches out, looking for water in the middle of the barren summer. Rows of gleaming gravestones stretch back into darkness, all of them planted heavily in the parched brown soil like grey teeth in rotting gums.
I must be dreaming. Someone tell me I’m dreaming. My heart is beating too fast in my chest, and my breath escapes in small pants.
“It’s a dream, it’s a dream, it’s a dream.”
“It’s not a dream,” a male voice says from behind me.
I whirl around and the shadow of branches from a Palo Verde tree have settled across the strange man’s face like wavering fingers from a giant hand.
“Who are you? Why am I here? What’s going on?” I can’t get the questions out quick enough as I scramble to stand. I stumble back and my left ankle turns over.
Your opening is smooth. I liked some of the metaphors used particularly, ‘like grey teeth in rotting gums’ and ‘live wires under my skin’.
The only thing that wasn’t clear from this snippet is whether the protagonist is male or female. If you clarify that right after this, then I guess that should be alright.
I liked that the sentence structures varied. However, the word ‘parched’ was used twice too close together.
I was also confused by ‘Someone tells me I’m dreaming’. Is there another person/entity out there who told him/her this?
But other than that, good job and good luck with this!
Thank you Nikki. And thanks for the “parched” pick up – I can’t believe I missed that. 🙂
Very intriguing and it definitely pulls me in as a reader. I’d keep reading to find out what’s going on, why this character is pulling bones out of the ground and who the man is. And the descriptions are wonderful! I especially like “Threads of panic twist through my body, like live wires under my skin” and “….all of them planted heavily in the parched brown soil like grey teeth in rotting gums”
I’d suggest reading the work aloud, because there are some spots that need a comma. Example: “On the ground in front of me more bones have breached the soil.” I believe you need a comma after “me.” Also, I’m not sure what it is, but I had to re-read this sentence 3 times because I wasn’t reading it correctly “I whirl around and the shadow of branches from a Palo Verde tree have settled across the strange man’s face like wavering fingers from a giant hand.” Maybe try splitting it into 2 sentences? Like: I whirl around. The shadow of branches…. One of the things that confused me was that branches is plural, but shadow is not – branches would have shadows (more than one); maybe it’s a stylistic thing? I’d suggest reading it aloud, maybe play around with rewording it. Overall, I’m nit picking because it’s well written and there’s probably not much you’d have to change! ( :
Thank you. Commas are my mortal enemies, so I will definitely go through with a fine tooth comb! And thanks for the branches vs shadow pick up.
I think you have a fantastic start. You take us right into the meat of the story and I want to know more already. I think that the internal monologue would serve you better if it looked different to the reader (maybe italicized). You have some wonderful descriptions, but I tripped on earthy smelling dusty. Perhaps: puffs of earthy dust that invaded my nose/choked me/made my eyes water? I look forward to knowing more about your MC.
This is good, good opening your showing not telling. At the words ‘To my left,” break into a new paragraph, and I would suggest moving this above your first paragraph or after the first bit of dialog maybe when they ‘whirl around’. I think it will help it flow and keep it more continuous, Just my humble opinion though. But this is really good, I’m impressed.
This was extremely interesting! I was very intrigued right from the start with the MC pulling bones out of the ground. I love that you managed to capture my attention right off the bat.
I suggest that instead of separating the line, “It’s a dream, it’s a dream, it’s a dream.” with commas, you use periods, instead. “It’s a dream. It’s a dream. It’s a dream.”
Another thing is, i suggest, instead of the dialogue tag for the next line saying “a male voice says…”, you describe what his voice sounds like. Is it low and rumbling? Husky? Quiet and calm? e.t.c
I also didn’t really understand the description that came after that. “I whirl around and the shadow of branches from a Palo Verde tree have settled across the strange man’s face like wavering fingers from a giant hand.” It’s rather long and clunky. I suggest you look over and possibly reconstruct that line.
“Who are you? Why am I here? What’s going on?” This line confused me a little because if she doesn’t know why she’s there, why would she be digging through the dirt, in the first place?
I don’t understand what you meant by, “and my left ankle turns over”. How does an ankle turn over? I suspect you mean she sprained it, but i’m not too sure. You might want to change your word choice.
Apart from a few spots where i was confused, i really enjoyed this beginning. I found it extremely interesting and i find that i have all the same questions your MC does. Great beginning!
I really enjoyed this beginning. We get put right into the middle of a fast paced scene where reading each line comes easily as the reader wants to know what’s going on and what will happen next. The conflict in this scene is obvious and it brings a feeling of suspense to finding out how it will be resolved and when – it could easily be the conflict of the scene, the act or the whole book.
‘Earthy smelling dust’ confused me a little – is it dust from the earth or just dust that smells like earth? Can you smell dust?
I think you have a very good style, but I think it is important to stay consistent. You have short choppy sentences which really give the sense of urgency and panic in this scene that is interrupted a bit with some unnecessary information. For example, I think the sentence might sound better as “I stare at the bone in disbelief. More bones breach the soil in front of me. This can’t be real. I inhale a shaky breath. Threads of panic twist through my body, like live wires under my skin.” but that may just be a personal opinion. I do love the imagery you are using though!
Overall I think this a great, very strong opening that would definitely compel me to read on. Great job!
Maree, you paint an eery scene I hope I never experience. heheh. Your descriptions are well written and puts the reader in your character’s head. Well done. I have a couple of suggestions for you: my fingers lock around somethng long and smooth. Wouldn’t the item be gritty and solid. I ‘d be freaked if I found myself in the middle of human bones. Suggestion: Move…”I must be dreaming closer to the beginning. I inhale a shaky breath, and some of the dust. Again, I’d freak. Consider: I inhaled a shaky breath of dust and gagged.
…parched branches out, looking for water. How would the MC know? Consider: a clump of water-starved hunchbacked trees stretch their……or something like that.
You repeat the dreaming part in three separate paragraphs. Consider… I must be dreaming as dialogue and have her stand up, gasping for air instead of telling us. Good luck with your story.
OK! Great opener. The only thing that threw me off was “…the strange man’s..” Strange didn’t ring true. She has no idea where she is, but she thinks this guy is ‘strange’? I wanted a different metaphor [you threw in so many good ones]. Give me a descriptive – tall/dark/heavy/wiry/unkempt – use that great imagination.
Thanks Chester. I meant “strange” as in “stranger”, but I agree with you — I could do better!
I found your beginning very interesting, it definitely made me want to read more of your novel. I love your descriptions. I would like to know is the MC female or male, so I could start to attach to him/her. One sentence is hard for me to follow “I whirl around and the shadow of branches from a Palo Verde tree have settled across the strange man’s face like wavering fingers from a giant hand”. I would make it shorter.
” I stumble back and my left ankle turns over” if I understand it right, MC either twisted or broke his/her ankle. I like it, it made me “pull face” as I imagined it, and that’s good. Maybe you could use different wording though.
Over all it is a great beginning 🙂
Strong beginning. The feelings of panic and confusion really come through clearly in this excerpt.
My feedback is more of a structural suggestion since there have already been a lot of helpful developmental feedback. It took me a few rereads of the first paragraph to get all the action that was being described. If I may make a suggestion, after the line “I inhale a shaky…” make a new paragraph there. Then another at “To my left a clump…” again another paragraph break at “I must be dreaming…” although it looks like that might have already been a new paragraph. Although I agree with Sharon if you moved “I must be dreaming…” at the beginning, it will make the scene a little more cohesive. Although Ellen did say that opening a chapter with a dream falls into the false promise error. If the rest of the chapter shows that it wasn’t a dream-premonition of some sort?-I don’t see it being a false promise since the genre is YA Paranormal.
Thanks Jenn. This isn’t a dream, it’s reality…very creepy reality. 🙂 Thanks for your suggestions.
Great world you’ve created. I can readily visualize it. Your similes are vibrant. “Rotting gums” is a good example of this, though I’m not sure in belongs in this particular piece. To me, gums are moist, so for me it didn’t work with “parched,” but you may have a reason for that (I’d have to keep reading!).
Overall, I’d keep reading to learn more about this world and to find out the answer to the “Why am I here?” question you raised. Good plotting there!
You get a thumbs up on the creepy factor here, which is good since it’s a parnormal novel.
Just a few suggestions: The sentence about the trees is a bit lengthy. How about ending it after the word “out”. It’s the roots that seek out water anyway. And there needs to be a comma after left.
Same thing with the second sentence. I’d cut “all of them planted heavily in the parched soil”
“male voice” sounds to simple. Get creative–describe how he sounds, or how he says it.
The next part could be rearranged to flow better. “I whirl around. A man stands beneath a Palo Verde tree, the branches casting shadows across his face like the waving fingers of a giant hand.”
“ankle turns over” sounds off to me. This happens to my mc and I just said, “and my left ankle turns.” Or you could say ,”I stumble back, twisting my left ankle.”
Overall, I really like this. It raises a lot of questions and makes me want to read on to find out the answers. You have some clever descriptions, too. I love the analogies
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
GENRE: Mystery/Suspense
Val slapped the paper on his desk. He leaned in, elbows propped on the stately desk, eyes curious.
“Jedidiah Forthwright?”
She nodded.
“And you want a background check on him?”
“I want everything you can find.” She spoke firmly, her eyes fixed on him, studying his expressions. His website hadn’t impressed her, but his background experience did, and she wanted someone with experience. Val wasn’t going to let just anyone work this case.
He let out a short, low whistle.
“I can find out a lot about a person, Miss Brooke. I can get his current and previous addresses, full name, aliases, phone numbers, a full CORI report, bankruptcy files, lawsuits, relatives, UCC filings, tax liens…to name a few.”
“I read your list of services and I’d like to you run everything on him. Advanced background check, full business investigation, and an assets search.”
The investigator nodded, slowly.
“Looking for anything in particular?”
“I’ll know it when I see it. I just want every detail of his life.” She pulled out a blank check from her purse. “I’m not worried about the cost. If you accept personal checks, I’ll make out the retainer fee now.”
“Five hundred.”
She scrawled the numbers easily and signed. Her heart fluttered and swelled inside her chest as the anxiety swept in again. The valium she’d taken earlier was just enough to keep her from going over the brink.
I love the name Jedidiah, very memorable. I would condense the two questions into “So you want a background check on Jedidiah Forthwright?” because the way it reads now seems like it’s written for the reader’s benefit. I don’t think anyone would actually talk like that. I don’t know what a CORI report is. I think Miss Brooke would know what the PI can provide and she even says “I read your list of services” so again, this information feels like it’s there for the reader’s benefit. I’m more interested in the PI than the client at this point, so if it’s the client I’m supposed to be interested in I’d beef her up a bit character-wise because your awesome PI is taking over here (in a good way!).
I like that you open right in the middle of a scene without too much back story.
At this point what we know about the protagonist is that she is wealthy and looking for this ‘Jedidiah’ person.
I was confused by the PI’s reaction to some of the questions.
For example, ‘He let out a short, low whistle.’ Why, is it because the person she is asking to investigate is famous?
Lastly, ‘her heart fluttered and swelled inside her chest’ has been used quite often, perhaps you can come up with a different phrase to describe her anxiety.
But overall, you are off to a good start.
Good luck with this!
This is good your are channeling some old pulp detective novel and I like it. I have to agree with Maree though about the full name and long list of services. In fact if your trying to sell someone something you don’t want to list every single item you want to sell them, you would just say my “Gold package” or something. Also who is the main character, at first I thought it was him, I was drawn toward him, and I was thinking Marlowe nice I’m gonna like. But then the valium thing sort of threw me off and I was like wait just who’s head am I in anyway. If it’s 3rd person head hopping I think you need a device, like only change perspective at the chapter, It’s really good though I want to read the rest of it.
I love how the paper was slapped on the desk in the first sentence. It gives a very powerful image of what is going, and using a bold action like that also has implications of strong emotions, urgency, power. It says a lot, without saying a lot.
I think the majority of the dialogue is pretty believable, other than the long list of services. Fourteen are mentioned all together! It does also seem to be primarily for the readers sake. It seems that Val knows that the MC wants a background check on Jedidiah and that the MC already knows exactly what she wants Val to do. I think portraying that would make the scene more believable, although I do think the dialogue is very good otherwise. The characters already have distinct, unique voices in my head.
I had to re-read the first 4 lines a few times. Was Val asking the MC if she was Jedidiah? Was Jedidiah someone else? I had the same problem with the website. Was it Jedidiah or Vals website? I think these would be very easy things to make a bit clearer.
Overall, I really enjoyed the opening. It flowed nicely, I felt connected to the characters already and I want to know more about them.
Hi Chrissy. I read the first two sentences a few times. First of all, Val can be a man’s name or a woman’s, a short form of Valerie. I couldn’t figure out who leaned in. Consider starting a new paragraph at he leaned in. You might want to name the He.
“I can find out a lot about a person….I suggest you delete the rest of this sentence because Val already knows what she wants. Instead of telling us her heart fluttered, etc., show the reader. Her hand shook. Her ruby red lipstick bled at the edges from sweat…heheh
Overall, this submission sets the opening for a great detective story. Good Luck.
I love a good PI story, and I especially love that you given Val some sort of anxiety disorder. MC’s with character flaws are so much easier to root for, in my opinion. I think you led with a good opening scene; it has action and it kept in interested. The list on the services he offers got a little long, and I don’t know what a couple of them are, so I would consider shortening it. Maybe replace the space with a little description on him. He sounds smarmy because of the website description, but I want to know if there are other indicators.
You’ve already managed to kick this off with a great noir/PI tone to it, which I love, and the fact that you’re telling the story (at least to begin) not from the PI’s perspective but from the client’s, is a nice twist. As others have noted, the opening is a little bit confusing, particularly if you aren’t telling the story from the PI’s POV. If you change up the “She nodded” and put the client’s name in there instead, with just a small bit of orienting information, I think it will help to clarify things.
“Jedidiah Forthwright?”
Abby Brooke (or whatever her name is) nodded. The Valium she’d taken earlier was just enough to keep her from going over the brink. (Or some other bit of information, just using that as an example).
Agree with everyone else that the long list of services is unnecessary, and the “heart fluttered and swelled” line does seem a little cliched. But overall this is a strong opening in one of my favorite genres, and I would definitely continue reading.
Nice opening, definitely holds to classic opening for a detective novel with a mysterious woman (one taking valium) coming in to hire a detective. But since she seems to be the protagonist, not the detective, I see where this could be a mystery/suspense novel. I do want a more powerful hook, such as some statement on her part that really stands out as unusual, maybe about Jedidiah Forthwright or her connection with him. Perhaps that comes in the next few sentences. I also see small things that could tighten up the writing, like you use “desk” twice in the first two sentences, and you could have her interrupt the detective earlier when he is rattling off the list of services. Also, the pronoun in “His website hadn’t impressed” could be confused to mean Jedidiah, and the sentence “Val wasn’t going to let just anyone work this case” feels a bit like you have jumped to a different point of view.
The plotting and build up of intrigue is strong. I became interested in the story right away. I like, “He let out a short, low whistle.” Simple. Descriptive. To the point.
The word “desk” is used twice right off the bat and I found it distracting. Maybe a read-aloud is needed?
The dialog could be tightened up some. When he says, “Five hundred.” That’s a great example of nice, clean, succinct dialog.
Rather than the ellipsis (liens . . . to name a few), I’d suggest a period or a comma. Could be a pet peeve. I avoid the ellipses at all costs unless a character has fallen asleep or died. But, hey, Stephen King uses them all the time!
“Heart fluttered” borders on cliche. I’d suggest something fresher there.
Bringing up the Valium in the last line really works for me. Makes me ask a whole bunch of questions as to why she’s on the brink, why she thinks she needs Valium to deal with it, what has happened to bring her to this point.
Even with my picks, I’d keep reading to find out more. Overall, good job!
I like it, and I get the mystery vibe right off. There are a few places that tripped me up, though.
Sorry to say, but I got confused on the first sentence. Since Val can be a man’s name, too, I thought Val was a man and he slapped the paper on his own desk. Maybe if you say, “Val slapped the paper on the investigator’s desk, it would be more clear.
I would give the investigator a name, so you can avoid alot of “he” and “his”. Instead of saying ,”His website hadn’t impressed her..” you could say, “Nick Howard’s wesite hadn’t impressed her…”
Quite a few adverbs in there. Try using different verbs that convey the meaning rather than the adverbs.
Other than those few things, i think you’re off to a good start!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
If a psychopath tells you that you’re going to die, you had best believe him. Especially when that psychopath is Sebastian Harrow.
Bastian didn’t normally try to save people. In fact, he used his rare talent for the exact opposite–to satiate his psychopathic hunger. But today was different. Today was the old ghost Ziska’s birthday. She was turning three hundred. Every year, for as long as Sebastian had known her, Ziska asked the same thing for her birthday–that Sebastian save a life.
Since she, just like like all his other friends, was imaginary, Bastian couldn’t exactly give her a material gift, so he decided that saving a life once every year was not too much to ask.
Especially considering all the lives he watched wither away the remaining 364 days of the year.
Sebastian sat cross-legged on the green lawn of the park, a can of chilled chamomile tea pressed to his lips as he perused the field in search of the person who would kiss his feet in gratitude once he saved them.
His eyes landed on a petite blonde girl of maybe twelve, seated on a bench some feet away. Her head was tilted downwards as she read a book, but Sebastian was just able to make out the thin black snakes that crawled out of her skin, leaving bloody trails down her neck, crawling into her chest and popping out of the other side–as if they were maggots, and she were a rotting apple.
Oh, and i forgot, Genre: Psychological Thriller
Julzwrites, your opening two lines drew me in. Well done.
But then, you lost me. I read the submission to the end and now understand what you’re trying to do. Bastion is a psycho with a conscience. As a gift to a ghost, he will allow a young girl to live. Consider keeping Bastion in character by moving the last paragraph after the opening two lines. You could then weave Ziska’s presence and her request into his thoughts.
You might want to explain the two names. Sebastian, or Bastion, a nickname he inherited as a result of…..or something like that and stick to one name.
… to satiate his psychopathic hunger. Consider explaining what the hunger is. Just a thought. Good luck with your story
Very interesting. The first few sentences made me think this was a Dexter-esque story, but by the time I finished reading the sample I was intrigued. Because of that, I think maybe you could somehow put the final paragrpah first, and then introduce the rest. I’m a bit confused about the genre because of the 300 year old Ziska. I assume this story has elements of fantasy in it? It’s tricky to try and sell a psychopath as a protagonist, depsite the popularity of Dexter, so that’s a brave choice.
I like that you explain that Ziska is imaginary, I was confused at first, but that line helped a lot. This has a great start and I’m very intrigued to get into his mind 🙂 Well done.
This is good, you perked my attention a few times. Also I’m digging the backstory, or what I understand of it. But I really think you could remove a lot of the info, and stretch it out more. If you are trying to drop stuff to build suspense maybe just pick one facet to focus on. an By dropping lots of stuff without explaining anything you can confuse a reader. I have this exact same problem with my story. You just need to work out a way to show me all of this, instead of just dropping it right at the front. These are pretty deep concepts, a man who sees the dead, a man who is also a psychopath. Maybe start with him about to murder someone and then Ziska pops up and stops him, reminding him of the promise. Then when he is stalking his prey, or speaking with Ziska you can reveal some of this. I love books that are info rich, the puzzle lies in how to convey info without seeming to be conveying info. A person can’t know they are learning, did you like school. Most kids hate history but love the movie Gladiator even though they are learning about Roman politics, the Coliseum, Gaelic invasion, they don’t even notice because it is a part of the story. Good stuff though keep going, imagination is the biggest part of writing and you have that in spades.
I have a lot of respect for people who take on a challenging perspective in a story, so I am already immediately intrigued. Sebastian does not seem like a particularly likeable character at the start, for obvious reasons, but again I am intrigued as to how we will grow to like him.
Is he called Bastian by others? If so, I would introduce this in a conversation later on. It might complicate the beginning by calling him more than one name in a short amount of time by the same narrator (even if it does seem like a simple thing everyone would get it right away).
I am interested in his imaginary friends but also a little confused about if that’s what they really are. Are they his imaginary friends that he has made up – tea party style imaginary friends, or are they the result of his psychoticism or mental illness – are they hallucinations or voices with their own ability to make decisions? It will be interesting to see how his imaginary friends personalities play into his own personality. Does part of himself feel guilty and that is why he is projecting this yearly request onto his friend?
I think you could perhaps devote more time to the story, and stretch it out a little bit more to give clarity to some of these issues. I get the impression your characters and world are very well developed, so it would be interesting to see a bit more of them before diving right in. Overall I would be very excited and interested to read this story, I think the opening could probably be a bit stronger but you are on a great track.
You have a very cool premise, and I’m interested in knowing your story arc. IMHO, I think the first two sentences don’t serve you, I would cut them. I think starting with “Sebastian sat . . . all the way through the rotting apple part would should come first, then follow it with the “Bastian didn’t normally . . ” I think it starts you with more of an active scene, but again, I like your intro very much. It’s intriguing and has a creepy vibe. Good stuff!
Psychological thriller – great idea! I love your first paragraph, you had me at those two lines 🙂 The second paragraph confused me a bit. I thought: Ziska, the ghost is 300 years old, is she a ghost for 300 years? And then I understood (or so I believe) that she’s not a real ghost, he just imagines her. She doesn’t exist (?).
I really like the idea of a serial killer, would definitely read that novel 🙂
Great opening lines! You already have a compelling story, and the paradox of the light tone/voice considering the things Bastian is thinking about and revealing about himself are chilling. Great start.
I do feel like after those amazing two lines, you jump into exposition a little bit too quickly. I would stick with the action. “Especially when that psychopath is Sebastian Harrow… Sebastian sat cross-legged on the green lawn of the park, a can of chilled chamomile tea…”
The information about the psychopathic hunger and Ziska’s birthday and his imaginary friends can come later. Particularly with psychological thrillers, you want a lean, active opening, and once Sebastian focuses on this petite blonde girl of maybe twelve, you have everyone’s attention. The details like the thin black snakes crawling out of her skin (EEKS!) fit well within the genre and just serve to amp up the suspense and increase reader interest.
You may want to consider scaling down with the description of those thin black snakes, though — not a lot, but it seems a bit wordy and even a little bit confusing the way it’s written now. “…Sebastian was just able to make out the thin black snakes that crawled into her chest, leaving bloody trails down her neck as they popped out the other side– as if they were maggots, and she a rotting apple.” Just something to tighten up what is already a horrifying visual. I would definitely read on!
You have “like like” in the third paragraph. Love the start! I think I would like to read about Sebastian, he seems like an interesting dude. Especially if he has other personalities or has hallucinations of other people! It did confuse me when it went from Sebastian to Bastian.
I’m a little confused as to why (or how) the girl could be reading a book but also having snakes crawling in and out of her? Unless he’s hallucinating.
Other than that I love it!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Adventure travel
Chapter 1
In viewing distance of the US-Mexico International Bridge under a mantel of darkness on the morning of the twenty-sixth of October, we waited for the border to open. In twenty minutes or less, we would cross over The Rio Grande into Mexico and for eight months, leave behind everything familiar: family, country, language, food, and culture.
John tapped the steering wheel like a professional piano player. The truck engine revved like a bull waiting to charge as he applied pressure on the pedal. Odours of antiperspirant mingled with perspiration and gasoline fumes hung in the cabin air. I couldn’t speak for John’s state of mind, but mine felt like a kaleidoscope of intertwining degrees of high and low emotions.
The headlights of a lone car on the opposite side of the road plumed thick dew off the moist pavement awaiting the late October sun to warm up the sixty-nine-degree temperature. John’s eyes darted from the clock to the floodlit entryway. A pick-up truck sped by. Variegated layers of violet and pink radiated through the cloud layer. With each passing moment, light engulfed the darkness and exposed the landscape. The intense flood lights around the compound switched off as the fiery orange sun rose higher into the sky.
John gulped down the last drop of his coffee and put the empty cup next to mine in the cup holder tray. He laced his fingers together and stretched upward. “It’s time. Ready?”
I nodded, patted his shoulder.
“A little late for second-guessing.”
The first paragraph is a bit disjointed for me, but I like the content. Maybe mix it up like “John tapped the steering wheel like a professional piano player, impatiently waiting for the US-Mexican border to open to begin his eight months of adventure.” Is it vital that the reader knows the exact date in the first sentence? Is the date significant for John? Late on you mention it’s “late October” so I’d let that stand for a time frame. You turn a beautiful phrase: “variegated layers of violet and pink”, “plumed thick dew”, “revved like a bull.” I might keep reading because you’ve conveyed this is a couple headed to Mexico for a lifestyle change for eight months. Without that information, I probably wouldn’t keep reading because I wouldn’t know what the story was about, so good work!
Thanks for your critique, Maree.
Good imagery and good style, I find your writing easy to read. (which I envy) I think though you should separate out your descriptions of the landscape and put them together say as the first paragraph or even discard the first paragraph altogether and use your second as the first. Then just work the description in below that just try to keep it together. You describe the sunrise beautifully but his it in a paragraph, instead of letting it shine. Build suspense with dialog, maybe have them discuss how they could get caught, what might happen if they did etc.etc. This is really good though you are right on I think.
Thanks for your critique, Chase.
I think this is a really great opening. I know there is a conflict but it doesn’t seem like it is in your face or just there for dramatic purposes – it feels really authentic and genuine.
The only things I have to mention are titbits really. As I don’t know the rest of the story, I’m not aware if mentioning the date in the first sentence is important. If it’s not I would consider removing it as it seems like a little bit to much info. Unless it is relevant, of course.
The sentence ‘odours of antiperspirant mingled with perspiration’ was a bit strange to me, as antiperspirant should stop you perspiring, so I’m not sure why they can both be smelt.
Overall I think it is a very good, strong opening. It is very well written, it had a good mixture of showing and telling, where the telling was sprinkled lightly and I feel connected to the characters through the experience they’re facing even though we haven’t learnt much about them as individual yet. I would be very intrigued to read on and find out what’s going to happen. Very impressed, well done!
Thanks for the critique, Liz
I like the idea; I live close to a border and it’s a defined line to have your MC’s cross. You have a lot of adverbs which kind of break up the action in the scene. They are very pretty descriptives, but it forces me to re-read sentences to make sure I understand your meaning. You’re missing a few commas in places. It helps me to read my stuff out loud, hear the pauses, and look deeper as to whether a coma would benefit. I do like your start, and I think your story sounds like an interesting read.
Thanks for your critique, Sarah.
I like your first paragraph. It tells us what the story is about straight away. I like your descriptions as well. I would like know why are they crossing the border. “A little late for second-guessing” makes me think that it wasn’t an easy decision.
There’s nothing to make me feel attached to the MC yet. I think mentioning the sex would be beneficiary, as it would make it easier to imagine them in the car together. As for now I can only “see” John and the other person is a blur. I would be interested in reading your novel, definitely 🙂
Hi Justyna. This is the third book in my series. Spending winter in Mexico, on a secluded beach drinking pina coladas all day was John’s goal from the beginning and the bribe to get Sharon to agree to RV. thanks for the crit.
You’re like me–a serial anti-comma-er. If you can’t break the sentences up into smaller ones, you need commas for us to be able to follow without having to reread. I prefer a mixture of sentence lengths, but my husband likes half page sentences.. I think they just need to be understandable. LOL
[ In viewing distance of the US-Mexico International Bridge(comma) under a mantel of darkness on the morning of the twenty-sixth of October, we waited for the border to open. In twenty minutes or less, we would cross over The Rio Grande into Mexico(comma) and for eight months, leave behind everything familiar: family, country, language, food, and culture.]
The second paragraph feels disjointed. I agree with Maree’s suggestions on that.
Otherwise, I like it.
I really, really like “John tapped the steering wheel like a professional piano player.”
There are some other really beautiful images (I like the flood lights switching off as the fiery orange sun rose), but they are buried in detail that seems unnecessary. Here are some of the things I find redundant or unnecessary:
-In viewing distance of (It’s obvious they can see it, since it’s being described)
-on the morning of the twenty-sixth of October (why is this important?)
-US-Mexico International Bridge & border (the international bridge is the border)
-dew off the moist pavement (to me, that’s like saying, “water off the watery thing”)
-the sixty-nine-degree temperature (again, why is this important? It tells me the temp, but it doesn’t show it.)
-cup holder tray (This is probably just me, but I think “cup holder” is fine by itself)
Then there are three images that don’t make much sense to me.
-The truck engine revved up like a bull waiting to charge—I know what you mean, but I think it would be more effective to just say that the truck is revving up. Otherwise you’re comparing one part to one whole. I’m sure I’m the only person this bothers.
-The headlights…plumed thick dew—I really love the “plumed thick dew” image, but how are the headlights making the dew fly upwards? Wouldn’t the tires be causing the dew to plume?
Reading your sentences aloud will help with punctuation (like Sarah mentioned) and help cut down wordiness. Also, be sure to spell check.
Good luck!
Hi Sharon
I think I prefer this to your prologue. Having said that, there are bits of your prologue that I really like – the description of John as a crazed Christopher Walken (now that would be a man on the edge!) for example. I think you could easily merge them – they both set the scene really well, albeit at different times.
For me, there’s a bit too much description, which I think slows the story down. For example, in the second paragraph there are three similes and there are only four sentences. It’s a lot to take in. Having said that, I liked them, but you might want to use them elsewhere.
A few of the sentences are a bit long, which is something I am guilty of, so always look for it (a bit like this one!)
Having read both the opening to the prologue and this chapter, I was drawn in and wanted to know more about this crazy adventure. It sounds fun packed and not a little dangerous!
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Chase Curtis
Genre: Science Fiction
Avery laid spread out, in a wide green field of mown switch grass. His light brown hair, cut short. Brown eyes stared up into the deep blue of a morning sky. He chose a large fluffy cloud that resembled a rabbit and concentrated.
’Feel the Focus Net, sense how it flows, how it connects you to the world.’ The Voice in his head commanded.
“I’m trying Leroy.” Avery moaned, he felt ridiculous on his back staring at clouds, speaking to an alien that now lived in his head.
’Please, think what you want me to hear, when you speak aloud I hear double and it is confusing enough hearing you speak once’
Avery flinched as the words seared across his mind.
“Alright jeez,” Avery caught himself mid word and thought, ‘Sorry this is just weird to me.’
’You feel it is different for me,’ mused the voice. ‘Also my name is Lero-niat not this Lee-roy.’
Avery wondered why he heard the Alien’s voice at all, even though Leroy or Lero-niat as he called himself had no actual voice of his own anymore, or even a body for that matter.
’I stimulate your auditory cortex, Avery please concentrate, I cannot be expected to train you if you continually let your mind wander,’ the alien replied.
Avery rolled his eyes and realized he would never get used to the fact that he now had a passenger in his mind.
‘Just stop reading my mind it’s weird’ Avery thought.
Avery closed his eyes,
Hi,
I liked the banter between the boy and the alien.
However, ‘speaking to an alien that now lived in his head.’ seems like its in the text for the benefit of the reader.
Also, ‘you speak aloud I hear double’ Is your intention to give the alien a distinctive voice by using imperfect grammer? If so, then that works well.
Words like ‘thought’, ‘watched’ , ‘looked’ are filter words that distance reader from your protagonist. Alternative is to use italics and do away with the dialogue tags.
eg:
Avery squirmed.Just stop reading my mind it’s weird
But other than that, good job with the opening and good luck!
the alien says “when you speak aloud I hear double and it is confusing enough hearing your voice speak once.” I just left out “it’s” and used “it is”, because he is an alien and doesn’t use contractions is that what you are referring to.
Also I used the word thought, because he is thinking the words in his head to the Alien but I will look into that.
thank you I really appreciate your taking the time to critique my stuff.
The only think I would change would be “Alright, jeez–.” since he is being cut off mid sentence. It has a great start and I’m interested to hear about how he has an alien as a friend :).
thank you, I’m with you on that, that. What do you think if I said “Alrig…” and just cut that mid word?
I love how the conflict in this scene is between himself and with something in his head! Very challenging too, which will make the story very interesting.
The dialogue between the characters is great. My only concern is putting in unnecessary things too early e.g. not Leeroy, unless it will play a part later on such as Avery just being like “Pffft, I’m going to call you Leeroy anyway. It’s easier” and for it to be a source of playful banter and conflict between the two. You could probably cut out the sentences about his hair and eyes at the beginning too, and show them a little later.
I think the grammar may need to be considered in some areas such as ’I stimulate your auditory cortex, Avery please concentrate…’ should be separated with full stops. I am currently confused if you mean “I stimulate your auditory cortex, Avery. Please concentrate.” or “I stimulate your auditory cortex. Avery, please concentrate.”
I think it’s important to the reader to establish quite early what stage the two are at. Has the alien only just entered his head? Has he been there for a short time? A long time? I think it would help us understand the scene better.
Overall, I think this is a very strong opening that would only need a few minor tweaks. The characters both have very strong voices and there is a humorous tone that I hope continues through the novel. We get a good sense right away of the genre of the story and I would be very interested to see where the story goes and how you tackle the approach of playing two characters in the same body. Good job so far!
I like the tone of the relationship between the boy and his hitchhiker. The banter gets me attached to Avery and Leroy – well done. For me, the story goal seems to be Avery being trained for some sort of mission. It might be cool to understand what hangs in the balance of the success of that mission.
In the first paragraph, you mention “brown eyes”. I had to read it back to make sure they were his. Do you think you could attach them to him somehow? Otherwise, it read like someone else was physically with him.
“Feel the focus. . . should end with a comma inside the parentheses and then “The” would not be capitalized. Same thing with “I’m trying Leroy,” Avery Moaned. He felt . .
I would consider Italicizing the mental conversation to differentiate it from the verbal, but that’s just preference. Your premise reminds me of The Host, which I liked. Maybe you could refer to that on how she differentiated the internal vs. external conversations?
Good luck. I’m a fan.
Chase, I liked the banter between Avery and the alien who has moved into his head. Well done. I would like to know how old Avery is? The first paragraph is somewhat clumsy to read.. Is it important to tell the reader about his hair and his eyes? Perhaps you could weave these details into the story. How did Avery know an alien had entered his mind? An explanation would help. ….felt ridiculous on his back staring at clouds, speaking to an alien that now lived in his head…..seems to be repeating what the reader already knows…. himself had no actual voice of his own anymore, or even a body for that matter. Had Avery seen him as a person before? This question goes to a point I made earlier. Tell us about the alien. Consider leaving the following sentence out because you convey the message so well in the dialogue…..Avery rolled his eyes and realized he would never get used to the fact that he now had a passenger in his mind. Good luck with your story.
I really like your idea, concept of an alien “living in his head” is very interesting. I also like a bit of humor in the dialogue. I would like to know more about Avery though. I think it would be helpful to mention his age. I can sense that his a teenage boy from the dialogue, so mentioning his age is not crucial. Did Lero-niat choose Avery for any particular reason, or was it convenience (he was at the right place at the right time)? How long is he mentoring the boy for the mission? I’m sure all answers to my question are mention later on, it’s just something I would like to know (personal opinion).
Very promising beginning. I know I “said” it before but I think it’s really interesting. Good luck 🙂
I like the dialogue and the idea. However if this is straight “science fiction,” I think the style might be a bit too light/goofy. This feels very middle grade to me.
I agree with others who said they want to know the age of the boy. I was imagining him as about ten, but feeling ridiculous about looking at clouds does make me wonder if he’s a bit older.
I don’t think his hair needs its own line. Don’t all boys (for the most part) have short hair cuts? This doesn’t seem like vital information, especially not in your first paragraph, which is so important in drawing readers into the story.
“Not this Lee-roy” is a line that I feel like I’ve heard before. Not with this name specifically, but in reference to another name in some other work(s) of fiction.
Without knowing more about the novel, I can’t say for certain, but it feels to me like you might be starting a tad too soon. It seems like the alien starting to talk in his head would be the inciting incident (in the first chapter). But don’t put too much stock in this since I don’t know enough about the novel to really comment on structure.
did you mean ‘starting to late’ instead of to ‘soon’ because the crash scene when Leroy enters his head, and the scene where he first here’s the alien inside his head, takes place chronologically before this scene. I took it to mean that I started the story to late, I should back it up to the moment he first hears Leroy in his head. Just wondering if I took it correctly. Thank you for the critique.
I like the idea of this story. Have you heard of Stephanie Meyer’s novel, The Host? It’s a similar concept, but that’s okay if it’s a completely different kind of story. Hers is more of a love story.
In the first paragraph, I’d leave out the description of his hair. It doesn’t seem to go there. I think the brown eyes part is okay, because you are talking about him looking into the clouds. You could describe his hair later by having him run his fingers through his short brown hair, which he might do if he’s frustrated.
The part about the alien telling him to think what he wants to say instead of speaking feels like it could be stated in a clearer way. “Please, there is no need to speak. I can hear your thoughts just fine. I do not need to hear them in stereo.” Or something like that.
I like the “Avery flinched” line.
You say he caught himself mid-word, but he doesn’t really stop mid-word. Maybe say mid-sentence.
I like how he refers to the alien as a passenger.
There a a few punctuation errors where you’ve put commas when you should have a period and start a new sentence.
Overall, I like this scene and it’s a good way to introduce the dilemma your protagonist is in. The conflict is identified as well. I like the dialogue between the alien and Avery. Sorry if it feels like I nitpicked about little things, but it’s only because I feel this can be a really good story and want to help you make it right. If I thought it was beyond help, I wouldn’t bother putting so much time into critiquing it. Good luck with it. 🙂
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Genre: Women’s fiction.
Neha Shah and her parents sat cross-legged around a sacred fire in their living room. “Om Namaahh..Shivai,” intoned the priest, tossing a few grains of rice into the flames. Neha stifled a yawn.The priest was performing this ritual to seek the blessings of all nine planets before Neha’s wedding.
Neha’s shoulders relaxed as her thoughts drifted to her fiancé. Just a few more hours till she was officially Mrs. Varun Sinha! Yesterday, Varun had been cagey about revealing their honeymoon destination. Probably didn’t want to ruin the surprise.
****
Varun paced the floor of his bedroom. Neha’s cherubic face had been blinking on his mobile every hour or so, but he had disconnected every time.
“Are you ready?” his mother called.
“Yes. Maa. Just a minute.”
His mobile vibrated again. It was a text -“It’s confirmed”. Heart pounding, he grabbed his suitcase. His silk cream-colored Sherwani was laid out carefully on the bed, the tiny ruby stones on the embroidery glinting in the sunlight. Next to it was a Titan watch, his first gift from Neha. Without a backward glance, he slammed the door shut.
oh boy! He’s running out on his wedding? Ok 250 words isn’t enough. I HAVE to know why!! Great job!
I think in only 250 words, you get to know the characters fairly well as you find out very important traits about them both. I do think that you may want to stretch it out a little more, though. The first scene is very very short and I felt that I wanted to know more about what was going on in that scene before we moved on to a different point of view. I’m also not sure who the main character is, so I’m not sure how to feel about what is going on. Do we feel sympathy for Neha or sympathise with Varun? We didn’t get to know Varun well enough in her scene to know how to feel in that respect either.
I think this has the potential to be a very good opening, but you may wish to give the story a bit more space before creating a twist so early on. I don’t think I can be invested in the twist if I know neither character that will be effected by it very well yet. You are definitely on the right track 🙂
It could be that I’m just not exposed to the culture you are describing (and admittedly, I’ve read a lot of fantasy lately), but it almost sounds like a fantasy to me, because the culture is foreign to me. Is there a way to tell the in-experienced reader what sort of ceremony we are witnessing?
Your writing style is easy to read and easy to fall into. I like your descriptives, and you vary sentence structure really well.
Runaway groom is intriguing. I want to know where he’s going and why he’s leaving. Really good hook!
Hi Nikki I feel you’re trying to squeeze too much information into the opening. I think providing the perspectives from both Neha Shah and her future husband, Varun could work but you need to provide more explanation. I have a couple of suggestions for your to consider. . Because you provide the words spoken by the priest I don’t think you need intoned the priest. After the words you might say, The priest tossed a few grains…… Also, I think you should add: The priest was performing the ritual….next.
In the next paragraph you could have Nehra yawn and and relax her shoulders.
You need to explain the situation Nehra finds herself in. It almost sounds like she is looking forward to this wedding. I’m not sure. Who is your MC?
…cherubic face…Unless this is a gravatar, this sounds odd.
His silk cream-colored Sherwani…I think you might add that he glanced at the clothing on the bed.
You have done a great job setting up the suspense. Why and where is Varun going? Good luck with your story.
I got an impression that Neha is happy to marry Varun but at the same time she seems bored during blessing ceremony. Wouldn’t she be exited, maybe a bit nervous or both? I’m not sure who is a MC. I already feel sorry for Neha and I’m not so pushed on Varun. I think that’s what you are going for and if I’m right – great job. I like your style of writing. It’s easy to read and engaging.
I feel like the italicized “just a few more hours…” should be either her thinking (“Until I am” instead of “till she was”), or not italicized at all.
I really like how I get these people in such a short paragraph/paragraphs.. but I think you could really take this and expand each person into a whole chapter. It seems too quick to swap heads already. And, if it were me, I’d start with his perspective.
I also thought this was fantasy, maybe you could just mention where they are early on.
FIRST PAGE FOR CRITIQUE
Laura T. Evans
Genre: Paranormal Suspense
June 2007
Aurora, Indiana — 1:30 a.m.
The rain pounded down in sheets, cutting sideways against the windows. The Mini Cooper’s wipers pumped out a steady rhythm as she drove down Main to work. Weather here in Indiana was typically dreary and tonight was no exception. An object appeared in the glowing headlights. ‘Oh God!’ Sarah kicked hard on the brakes to avoid it.
Small tires dug into the wet pavement, stopping the car a few feet from the silver sedan rocking on its roof, in the middle of the street. The back wheels still spun in the air, the hubcaps reflecting. Thin smoky tendrils rose from the engine, resembling ghosts playing in the darkness.
“9 1 1 what is your emergency?”
“My name is Sarah Kenmore and I’m at 21st and Main, I –” Her voice shook.
“Sarah, it’s me, Donna. Are you okay?”
‘Thank God, a familiar voice.’
“I’m fine, but there’s a car flipped over in the middle of the road with a woman inside. She’s hurt badly. I can’t get to her!”
“Help is on its way. Sarah, you’re going to have to break the glass and get her out.”
Sarah found a good sized rock and headed back to the sedan. As she got closer, she could hear a baby crying in the back seat. Smoke and flames rose up from out of the engine.
The driver, half conscious muttered. “Save my baby.”
Ignoring her plea, Sarah grabbed the woman by the arm and images flipped inside Sarah’s head.
An intriguing opening. Liked that reader is right into the action. Also liked that the protagonist is actually doing something in the scene, makes her look proactive.
However, ‘An object appeared in the glowing headlights’. This made me think of a deer or a dog. Perhaps you can use something else to describe the ‘object’.
I dont know from personal experience, but it seems like a mighty coincidence that she calls 911 and finds a person she knows. Is Sarah a part of law enforcement?
There is no hint of a woman being trapped in the car until Sarah mentions it on the phone. Perhaps you can foreshadow that a bit more.
Also, this scene is a good opportunity to engage all five senses of the reader. Perhaps you can mention if Sarah can smell something near the wreckage. Blood, acrid smell of smoke?
Enjoyed your opening. Good luck with this!
Thanks 🙂 yes its a small town, she knows everyone. In about 8 more words I do use smell 🙂 I will work on the object thing. I also felt that it was too vague. Thanks again!
I think it’s a very good opening and I’m already curious as to what will happen. I think you should introduce Sarah’s name as soon as possible. Knowing the character’s name makes you feel connected to them much quicker than if you refer to them as he/she. I also feel, that with such a dramatic scene occurring so early in the story that perhaps that is where you could begin. An opening line that get’s right into the conflict would be much more powerful than one about the weather. I felt like everything happened very suddenly and was such a quick transaction from just driving in the rain that this could be avoided by beginning in the conflict. I love the imagery of the ghosts playing in the darkness, I think it gave a very eerie, appropriate feeling to the image as the passengers could (soon) be ghosts themselves. I am not sure how I feel about the dialogue in terms of how realistic it is. I think if I were calling up I would be the most concerned about the car flipped over, than giving them my name. It seems like a plot device so Donna will recognise Sarah. I think as a person working for the emergency I might also ask “what happened?” as oppose to “Are you okay?” but that might just be me, personally. I’m also unsure why she ignored the plea to save the baby, but as that’s in the last lines that might be cleared up very soon.
Overall I think that it is a good post, but would be much improved by moving the scene forward by a few minutes. Good job!
Thank you Liz, great critique and I’ve made notes 🙂 I appreciate it a lot !
Hi Medium, you paint a dreary, rainy night in Aurora and the reader knows something bad is going to happen. Well done.
I have suggestions for your consideration: Introduce your character at the beginning because it sounds like the car is driving itself. Sara kicked the brakes….Wouldn’t Sara slam down on the brakes? Small tires dug into the wet pavement, stopping the car a few feet from the silver sedan rocking on its roof, in the middle of the street. I don’t think you need to mention the small tires dug into the wet pavement because you state in the preceding paragraph she stops.. Instead of saying to avoid it, you could tell the reader what she avoided. Instead of telling us her voice shook, perhaps you could have her stutter, or rifle through her purse to find the phone, or describe the difficulty she is having trying to plug in the numbers…Is Sara still on the phone when she’s searching for a rock or did she throw the phone into her car? You do a good job describing the rain but when it comes to fire and smoke and the sound of a baby, it sounds so matter-of-fact. Consider the implications of a burning car and the possibility of two people being burned to death. Sara’s fight and flight reaction. Again …the driver muttered. Why not, the mother screamed with every breath she could muster. It’s her baby that might burn to death. Is Sara having a premonition? Not sure. Good luck with your story.
Thanks! I had slammed and changed it because I thought it was used too much. 🙂 I love all the suggestions and will definitely work on them ! thank you!
Great opening for a novel in this genre, and I’m already keen to find out what happens next. I like the details you have here about Sarah knowing the dispatcher, the rainy night, the silver sedan rocking on its roof. “Thin smoky tendrils rose from the engine, resembling ghosts playing in the darkness” is a great line, and evokes that paranormal feel early on, which I love. Maybe consider making that a stronger statement — Thin smoky tendrils rose from the engines, like ghosts playing in the darkness.” I know resembling and like are synonyms, but resembling feels a little more clinical, distancing. I agree with others who have noted that you may want to introduce Sarah up front to more readily connect with readers.
I agree with another comment noting that there should be some indication that Sarah has fumbled through her purse for her phone, but I wonder if it might be more effective for the scene if she’s unable to get through to anyone, just to increase the tension and enhance the solitary feeling of the scene. The dialogue exchange, to me, immediately decreases the urgency here, whereas if Sarah tries to call and her battery is dead or she left her phone at home or she has no reception, everything is back on her. You could still have the ambulance arrive since in a small town someone would certainly notice an overturned car and would call something in… Anyway, that’s totally just something that occurred to me, though, so do with it what you will.
Either way, though, I like the way this has opened and there’s a lot of potential for where the story might lead next. Great beginning!
Thanks! I love the change of the resembling and have added it 🙂 I like your idea of the isolation which is what I was trying to convey so I’ll work on that a bit more! Thank you ! 🙂
I like that we’re right in the action to start out with, but I tend to like a little bit of normal life before the big event happens, I wonder if the plot will stay this action packed for the rest of the novel? The Date and place at the beginning confuse and intrigue me.
‘Thank God. a familiar voice.’ was confusing. It should be italics for thoughts, IMO.
I also agree with what Nikki said.
What happens to the baby?!? :-p
It is in italics in the novel but the blog doesn’t have that option so I put ‘ ‘ around the italics parts. Thanks! You’ll have to read the book to find out ! 🙂 hehe
I like your opening, it set me right in the scene. As I was reading first paragraph I could easily imagine settings. The only think I’m not sure about is “an object”, it made me think of a tree down. I also think that this part of the dialogue: “Sarah, it’s me, Donna. Are you okay?”
‘Thank God, a familiar voice.” is a waist of time in case of life threatening emergency. It think it should be strait to the point, but that could just be me. I could be wrong but wouldn’t it made more sense for her to save the baby first. I think most people would try to get baby out first, sort of like a natural instinct. Unless she’s train and new that the best think to do, is to get an adult first. I don’t know.
I like that you began with an action, it gave me that sense of urgency. I would love to be able to turn the page and find out did the woman and her baby got out ok, and that’s the best think in any novel.
Thanks! I have changed that and removed the line 🙂 Thank you! 🙂 I appreciate all feedback 🙂