As a writer, you are the master of the timeline of your novel. You can go backwards and forwards in time on a sentence, paragraph, and chapter level. But should you?
For any novel to be satisfying, there must be some degree of tension. Tension is created by anticipating what comes next. A sense of propulsion helps to keep that tension building. So here’s the important part: going backwards in time reduces the sense of propulsion, which, in turn, reduces the sense of tension.
On a Sentence Level
Let’s start small with the sentence level. Some writers make a regular habit of flipping the order of their sentences. For many, this may seem like a stylistic choice. Here are some examples of sentences in backwards linear order:
Anne jumped when there was a loud sound from the hallway.
Jake ducked under a missile as he dodged his way across the battlefield.
Bailey cried after reading the note.
All of these sentences are in backwards linear order, meaning that what happened first is described last. This backwards order reduces tension and that sense of propulsion I was talking about in the intro, which is bad. In general, unless you have a very good reason to convey information backwards (perhaps only truly helpful during attempts at comedy), you are much better off using linear order.
Here are the same sentences rewritten in linear order:
There was a loud sound from the hallway, and Anne jumped.
Jake dodged his way across the battlefield, ducking under a missile.
Bailey read the note and cried.
Obviously these sentences could be improved in other ways: broken up into two sentences for even more tension, showing a bit more of the experience, etc. But regardless, an average quality linear sentence packs a stronger punch (more tension and propulsion) than even a high-quality backwards sentence.
On a Paragraph Level
When it comes to paragraphs, some writers tend to do a strange sort of backwards and forwards dance through time. Here’s an example:
Ben teased Jenny and she ran all the way home. Her legs pumped harder than ever before. Her feet slapped against the sidewalk. She reached the front door and threw it open. After a long run she reached the house and crumpled inside the door.
The issue with this paragraph may not be blatantly obvious at first, but when you look at how readers interpret this paragraph, it becomes clear that there’s a problem. The first sentence indicates that Jenny ran all the way home, so in the reader’s mind, she’s home. But then wait! In the next sentence she’s running again, so we’ve jumped back to before she got home. She makes it to the front door – hooray, she’s home! But wait! The next sentence goes back to her running again.
Though the writer’s intent is obvious, the reader still has the experience of bouncing around in time. This is because they are trying to visualize the events in their mind. In this paragraph, the writer is making that visualization pretty difficult.
It also takes the reader out of the experience of following alongside the character. Read more about that in the next section.
On a Chapter Level
Within a chapter, many writers have a tendency to jump backwards in time – sometimes for sentences, and sometimes for paragraphs or even pages. For example:
Anne sat on the windowsill, tears streaming down her face. She clutched a letter in her hands, a letter that the mailman had delivered an hour before. She had sat down quietly in her favorite chair to read it, expecting an invitation or a birthday card, but what it was instead was terrible. Her hands shook and her tears dropped onto the paper. Harry was breaking up with her.
Sections like this take the reader out of the moment and chuck them into the past. Instead of letting the reader experience the events alongside the character, the reader is being forced to experience things on a different timeline. This creates distance and (you guessed it) a reduction in tension and that sense of propulsion.
Why not just start this chapter with Anne receiving the letter? The same events will play out, but the reader will have a substantially increased sense of tension and propulsion.
If you are faced with something that must be explained from the past (usually because it occurred before the events of the novel), the key to maintaining tension and propulsion is to keep it brief. Learn some techniques for doing so here.
The Bottom Line
If you can convey it in linear order, then do it! When editing, watch out for places where you’ve flipped your sentences backwards, where you’ve done a backwards and forwards time dance in your paragraphs, or where you’ve started your chapter too late and have to backtrack.
Keep your novel in linear order and you will maximize tension and that sense of propulsion that keeps readers turning pages.
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
Please read the chapter without my notes and record your feedback in the poll before moving on to my critique. This really helps the author. Thanks!
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Fantasy/Alternate History First 500 – By Yvone Williams
The Captain As Constance emerged from the ship’s hold, a gale swept her brown hair over her eyes. “Left,” a man called from the bow. “Pull left, you blind codger.” She pushed her hair back and scanned the ship: Creedy stood on the quarterdeck, yanking the wheel in silence. Normally, he would have severed the other man’s tongue with a sharp reply. Constance rushed to meet him. “Creedy, what’s happening?” she asked, lowering her head against the wind. The skirt of her frock coat whipped her legs. “Lost your eyes to the wind, have you?” he asked. The irises of his eyes were clouded and shifted toward her voice. “Make sure that piece of filth Pisador is still in the hold.” “He’s there,” she said. But I had to untie him. Her gaze shied away from him, toward the wind, and over the main deck. Half of her crew was bunched around the mainmast. Overhead, men climbed the ratlines. Above them, others recklessly hung from the crosstrees. Both groups fought to keep the wind-gashed topsail attached to its yard. Constance left Creedy at his position and climbed down to the main deck. A delicate-framed man struggled to pry the main topmast’s halyard from around the mainstay. Another man, hunched and grey, stood beside him. “Why did no one reef the sails?” she asked. “Because I’m not a sailor,” the slight one said, fighting the twisted ropes. “I’m a naturalist.” Constance knew Sanctuary did not care who did her trimming– Creedy had said as much, and his words had yet to fail her. “Angel Shades, Rosy Underwings… my interest is in moths. Not rope, not sails, not ships,” he said, shaking the rope. “Stop!” Constance frowned; the tangled lines were beginning to fray. “Just a doctor, myself,” the old man said with a shrug. “Well.” Constance slid her trembling hands into pockets. “I advise you get your doctoring tools ready. You might have a chance to prove it.” “Chance?” She walked away, but the doctor trailed her. “You’re the captain. Why can’t you fix this? It’s your responsibility; none of us asked to be here.” She tried to ignore him while she walked. All she wanted was a moment alone. A single moment to think. Save the stays and you’ll save the ship. But how? “It won’t unravel itself, you know,” the naturalist called after her. “Christ’s sake,” Creedy said. “Just cut the damn thing. We can afford to lose one sail if we’re as close as it sounds.” Constance moved starboard to look beyond the sails. He was right; the snow-covered ground seemed to wink and coax the sun from behind the clouds. They were less than 20 minutes away. Her eyes roamed past the clipped, icy shore of Greenland. It was all a blur of white, and mountain ridges were only visible due to the shadows they cast. Constance took her pendant in hand, fingers running along the gilt. Soon, its small, arcane marks would lead her to la vara de centuries– the Rod of Centuries– and then… then, she would restore everything.
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Fantasy/Alternate History First 500 – By Yvone Williams
The Captain As Constance emerged from the ship’s hold, a gale swept her brown hair over her eyes. “Left,” a man called from the bow. “Pull left, you blind codger.” She pushed her hair back and scanned the ship: Creedy stood on the quarterdeck, yanking the wheel in silence. Normally, he would have severed the other man’s tongue with a sharp reply. < This sentence and the next one feel a bit disjointed to me. I think a transition would help tremendously.Constance rushed to meet him. “Creedy, what’s happening?” she asked, lowering her head against the wind. The skirt of her frock coat whipped her legs. “Lost your eyes to the wind, have you?” <This line confused me on the first read-through. After reading it a second time, I think I understand that he is being sarcastic. Some sort of response from Constance or a more specific dialogue tag would help nail down that explanation. he asked. The irises of his eyes were clouded < Having him say that she lost her eyes to the wind, then having his eyes be clouded made me wonder if the wind really was doing something to their eyes. and shifted toward her voice. “Make sure that piece of filth Pisador is still in the hold.” “He’s there,” she said. “But I had to untie him.“ Her gaze shied away from him, toward the wind, and over the main deck. Half of her crew was bunched around the mainmast. Overhead, men climbed the ratlines. Above them, others recklessly hung from the crosstrees. <Instead of relying on an adverb, a stronger description would be better if possible. Both groups fought to keep the wind-gashed topsail attached to its yard. Constance left Creedy at his position and climbed down to the main deck. A delicate-framed man struggled to pry the main topmast’s halyard from around the mainstay. Another man, hunched and grey, stood beside him. “Why did no one reef the sails?” she asked. “Because I’m not a sailor,” the slight one said, fighting the twisted ropes. “I’m a naturalist.” Constance knew Sanctuary did not care who did her trimming– < I don’t know anything about ships. I don’t know what you mean by “her trimming.” Creedy had said as much, and his words had yet to fail her. “Angel Shades, Rosy Underwings… my interest is in moths. Not rope, not sails, not ships,” he said, shaking the rope. “Stop!” Constance frowned; the tangled lines were beginning to fray.<I always prefer linear order: The tangled lines fray, and then she says stop. “Just a doctor, myself,” the old man said with a shrug. “Well.” Constance slid her trembling hands into pockets. “I advise you get your doctoring tools ready. You might have a chance to prove it.” “Chance?” She walked away, but the doctor trailed her. “You’re the captain. Why can’t you fix this? It’s your responsibility; none of us asked to be here.” She tried to ignored him while she walked. < This sentence stood out to me as much weaker than the others. Firstly, avoid having characters “try” to do things. Secondly, we already know that she is walking so perhaps a description of where she is or what she’s passing would work better (For example: She ignored him as she pushed between two sailors repairing the sail). All she wanted was a moment alone. A single moment to think. Save the stays and you’ll save the ship. But how? “It won’t unravel itself, you know,” the naturalist called after her. “Christ’s sake,” Creedy said. < Isn’t Creedy on a different level of the ship? I think it would be helpful to mention that (For example: Creedy said, leaning over the railing of the quarterdeck.) Something like that helps to orient things in the reader’s mind.“Just cut the damn thing. We can afford to lose one sail if we’re as close as it sounds.” Constance moved starboard to look beyond the sails. He was right; the snow-covered ground seemed to wink and coax the sun from behind the clouds. They were less than 20 twenty minutes away. Her eyes roamed past the clipped, icy shore of Greenland. It was all a blur of white, and mountain ridges were only visible due to the shadows they cast.Constance took her pendant in hand, fingers running along the gilt. Soon, its small, arcane marks would lead her to la vara de centuries– the Rod of Centuries– and then… then, she would restore everything.
My Overall Thoughts
You have a very nice, easy to read writing style that drew me in right away. You started with a great conflict that has action that is interesting but not overwhelming to the reader. Well done.
Key Places to Improve:
There were a few places where I felt slightly confused about what you were trying to say. This may have something to do with the fact that I don’t know anything about ships, but you do need to assume that readers know nothing about ships to ensure clarity.
You do a great job with keeping the descriptions brief, but there were a few places where I felt it would be better to give the characters more concrete positioning on the ship (where Creedy is when he talks to Constance and the doctor; where Constance is when she is ignoring the doctor).
You could turn the emotional dial up just a tad. It wasn’t clear what was at stake for Constance – Was she in fear for her life? Was she just worried about damaging the ship? What exactly was the consequence if things didn’t turn out right?
The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 4
I really enjoyed this first chapter. Aside from some minor tweaking and clarity issues, this seems more or less good to go. I have no real complaints other than a few line edits. This read like a publishable book. Well done!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Connect with Yvone
You can connect with Yvone on her blog and Twitter.
Submit to First Page Friday
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
Please read the chapter without my notes and record your feedback in the poll before moving on to my critique. This really helps the author. Thanks!
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Fantasy First 500 – By Randall Whan
Phineas surveyed the approaching army descending upon the city. While small, less than a hundred men, he knew that nothing would stop their advancement till they reached the library. Reports had come in from the west, of their approach, where several villages were burned to ash. Hundreds of men, women, and children had found their head on the end of a pike if they failed to escape. Darkness followed them like a fog enveloping all that it touched. Even the moon’s brilliant light seemed to fade as they drew nearer.Time, so little time left, but how much time did he have left? Surely his barricade on the lower level of library wouldn’t hold them off for long. The city was all but deserted; they had fled when the scouts brought word of the army’s approach. Most of them fled north to the mountains where they believed they would be safe. Phineas had stayed behind and sealed himself in the library, desperate to finish his task. An eerie silence unnerved him, not a sound came from the valley surrounding the city. It seemed that even the wolves and night larks sensed the evil approaching beneath the boots of the invaders. Lowering the hood of his robe he turned back into the room. His head was shaven except for the braid of hair bound by a crimson and leather band hung to the right side of his forehead. A gold medallion bearing the crest of Deval, a large oak tree barren of leaves, was tied to end of the braid.The only light in the small study came from a burning candle on a desk in the center of the room. The candle was quickly reaching the end of its burn, and like his time, would soon be out. Three of the stone walls were lined with charts and maps; one held a door that lead to the landing of the second level of the library. The fourth was covered by a large bookcase filled with books of various topics. He hurried over to the desk. A group of four rolled scrolls, sealed with read wax bearing the same seal of Deval. He tore the wax from of the scrolls and glanced at its script. Not finished, he thought, but it would have to do. He grabbed a quill and dipped into ink and quickly began to write. His hands ached as he wrote on the tattered parchment. Blacked ink stained his fingers, his hands wrinkled and calloused. He had held his post as chief elder of Deval for the past 35 years, now he knew the moment he and the rest of the elders had been preparing for was upon them. He hoped that he wasn’t too late, that his work would not be in vain.He was pulled away from his writing as the sound of a battering
ram pounding against the libraries outer doors vibrated
throughout the study.
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Fantasy First 500 – By Randall Whan
Phineas surveyed the approaching army descending upon the city. < This is not the most exciting opening line. It feels overly familiar since a lot of fantasy novels open with an approaching army or battle.While small, less than a hundred men, he knew < “knew” is a filtering word. Read more about filtering here.that nothing would stop their advancement till they reached the library. Reports of their approach had come in from the west, of their approach, < Avoid unusual sentence structures as they tend to sacrifice clarity. where several villages were burned to ash. Hundreds of men, women, and children had found their head on the end of a pike if they failed to escape. <I’m not a fan of sentences that imply dead people realize things. On top of that, this is more passive than saying that the army put their heads on the end of pikes. Darkness followed them like a fog enveloping all that it touched. Even the moon’s brilliant light seemed to fade as they drew nearer. < I mentioned this in another First Page Friday, but I recommend not mentioning the moon in the first chapter, especially in the first few paragraphs, because it’s considered cliche. Time, so little time left, but how much time did he have left? < The wording of this sentence is strange. He sort of answers his own question before he even asks it.Surely his barricade on the lower level of the library wouldn’t hold them off for long. < Oh, so he’s inside the library? This wasn’t clear. The city was all but deserted; they < “They” seems vague. Perhaps “villagers”?had fled when the scouts brought word of the army’s approach. Most of them fled north to the mountains where they believed they would be safe. Phineas had stayed behind and sealed himself in the library, desperate to finish his task. An eerie silence unnerved him, not a sound came from the valley surrounding the city. It seemed that even the wolves and night larks sensed the evil approaching beneath the boots of the invaders. < Again, this line feels like something I’ve read a dozen times before. Lowering the hood of his robe he turned back into the room. His head was shaven except for the braid of hair bound by a crimson and leather band that hung to the right side of his forehead. A gold medallion bearing the crest of Deval, a large oak tree barren of leaves, was tied to the end of the braid.The only light in the small study came from a burning candle on a desk in the center of the room. < This is another line that just feels too familiar. The candle was quickly reaching the end of its burn, and like his time, would soon be out. Three of the stone walls were lined with charts and maps; one held a door that lead to the landing of the second level of the library. The fourth was covered by a large bookcase filled with books of various topics.<This is too vague to be worth including. He hurried over to the desk. A group of four rolled scrolls, sealed with read wax bearing the same seal of Deval. <This is a sentence fragment. He tore the wax from of the scrolls and glanced at its script. Not finished, he thought, but it would have to do. < This either needs to be an italicized thought in present tense or not a thought at all. Right now the first part is in present tense and the second part is in past, which reads awkwardly. He grabbed a quill and dipped into ink and quickly began to write. < The next sentence says he’s writing, so this seems redundant. His hands ached as he wrote on the tattered parchment. Blacked ink stained his fingers, his hands wrinkled and calloused. < Connecting the two parts of this sentence with a comma doesn’t make sense because they have nothing to do with each other. He had held his post as chief elder of Deval for the past 35 years, now he knew the moment he and the rest of the elders had been preparing for was upon them. He hoped that he wasn’t too late, that his work would not be in vain.He was pulled away from his writing as the sound of a battering
ram pounding against the libraries outer doors vibrated
throughout the study. <I’m not sure if this formatting is intentional or unintentional, but this is the way it was sent to me. If it’s intentional, I have to wonder why?
My Overall Thoughts
This opening lacks a strong hook. A hook can be anything from a question that begs for an answer to a unique plot element or character trait. This opening feels a bit too expected, a bit too much like dozens of other fantasy novels that have already been published. What’s unique about your book? Why is it better than all the other fantasy novels? That is the element you need to push to hook in readers.
Key Places to Improve:
Why should I care about Phineas? I don’t know who he is, whether he’s good or bad, or what he’s trying to accomplish. This makes it difficult to root for him.
Work on finding your own unique voice. The writing isn’t bad, but it sounds like you’re trying to write the way you think a fantasy novel is supposed to be written.
Emphasize what is unique about your fantasy world. The approaching army, candlelit room, eery silence, scrolls, medallion, and guy with a braid all feel too familiar and too standard for the genre. That’s fine when coupled with some really unique elements, but the uniqueness isn’t coming across here.
Be careful with your proofreading: added or missing words, grammatical errors, sentences that don’t make sense. Agents/editors don’t have a lot of tolerance for these types of mistakes as it can give the impression you didn’t put your best effort into the work before submission.
The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 1
Your writing isn’t bad, it’s just a little bland. I don’t feel like this is something that could have only come from Randall Whan, but that’s the impression you want to give agents and editors – that this is a unique masterpiece that could only have come from your imagination. The only way to give that impression is to have a strong voice and unique world/character/plot elements. And maybe this is true of the rest of the book. I don’t know.
I think, more likely than not, you are not starting this in the right place. Don’t fall into the trap of starting with action. That is absolutely not a requirement of the first chapter. In fact, it often leads to weaker first chapters. Action is meaningless before the reader has bonded to the characters. The key to a great first chapter is to start with proaction (your character doing something). That doesn’t mean that what they’re doing has to be inherently exciting. It just has to be interesting.
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Connect with Randall
You can connect with Randall on Twitter: @R_A_Whan
Submit to First Page Friday
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
If you read my post on using find and replace to edit your novel, you know that I’m all about easy ways to pretty up your prose!
There are certain writing tips and tricks that get shoved around a lot: showings vs. telling, info dumps, and purple prose, for example. But there’s another big one that’s often ignored: filtering.
Filtering is when you “filter” the novel through the character’s senses, creating an extra layer of distance between the reader and the story.
There are a lot of filtering words, but here are the big ones.
Filtering Words
Saw
Heard
Felt
Tasted
Knew
Thought
Realized
If you’ve never heard of filtering, you might be thinking, I use these words all the time! Unfortunately, filtering is something widely known among industry professionals (it can be a red flag that work is amateur), but it’s much less known to aspiring authors.
Let’s look at an example of text with filtering:
Tina heard a deep grown and felt breath on the back of her neck. She knew the monster was too close, and she realized the door was too far for her to get away. Her mouth tasted dry and metallic with fear, and she could feel her heart thumping against her ribs. As she turned, she saw big drops of monster spit all over the ground and knew she was done for.
The problem with all of this filtering is that it stops the reader from putting themselves in the character’s place because they are constantly reminded of their distance from the events. It’s Tina who heard the noise, not the reader. It’s Tina who tasted the fear.
So what would this look like if filtering were eliminated? There are lots of ways to get rid of filtering, and they all require you to stretch your creative muscle. Here’s one possible rewrite:
There was a deep growl and hot breath sprayed against the back of Tina’s neck. The monster was close. Too close. She squinted in the darkness, but the door was at least fifteen feet away. She’d never make it. A dry, metallic taste filled her mouth, and her heart thumped against her ribs. She turned and the toe of her shoe dipped into a puddle of monster spit. She was done for. There was no way she’d make it out now.
Do you notice how much closer you feel to the action in this second version? Do you see how much more heavily it relies on showing instead of telling?
Eliminating filtering words is an easy way to improve your writing right now.
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
Please read the chapter without my notes and record your feedback in the poll before moving on to my critique. This really helps the author. Thanks!
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Dark Romance First 500 – By Tom Orchard-Webb
Timothy Deakin’s corpse floated through emptiness in an eternity of nothing. His disconnected mind awakened at the touch of ephemeral beauty materialising above him. Uncertain whether he was the dreaming dead or dreaming of death, his senses returned as her naked body slid over his. She kissed his lips and stroked his cheeks. Her golden hair, which blasted away the darkness with the force of a supernova, tickled his ghostly skin. She rested her head on his chest and listened… Thud, thud, thud… The joy on her lips was clear, yet tears began to rain down her face.
Tim opened his eyes. She was gone.
§§§
The stench of sterility overcame Tim’s regard for hospital rules, finding both safety matches and pack of Marlboro Reds in the large chest pocket of his oversized, olive green German Army smock. He flicked his mop of greasy chestnut hair from his glazed hazel eyes and found himself confronted by a poster depicting tar-coated lungs on the wall opposite to the wooden bench on which he slouched. He snortled, striking the sulphurous head of the match against the sand and powdered glass stripe in a blaze of white phosphorous. He sucked in a lungful of toxic bliss. The hot smoke in the cool hallway was as inwardly refreshing as a cold beer in summer. His eyes fixed on the burning match, the flame crawling along the stick toward his blackened fingernails, like a slug hungry for cabbage. Gradually, it began to transform before his eyes, until the flame rippled as orange water. Sounds and voices lost all clarity. The pressure in his head and lungs made it seem as though a mysterious hand were drowning him in a bathtub. He realised he was holding his breath. Gasping suddenly and violently, the world slowly returned to how it had always really been.
‘Ah!’ he cried, the slug finally biting him. The flame died as the match fell from his fingers and landed on his battered jeans – battered by use, not design. He rubbed the blackness in, just another stain among stains, allowing the tiny unburned stub drop to the floor.
Against his shoulder, the prodding of sweaty, trembling digits burst the invisible bubble of his internal world. His body jerked away and his hand automatically reached for the knife concealed in his side pocket.
The young man leapt back, cat-like. ‘Sorry!’ he yelped. Tim’s defence mechanisms returned to DEFCON 5 at the sight of the smooth face with tomato-red cheeks. The green-robed boy dabbed his brow with his glabrous forearm. ‘I didn’t mean to, um–’
‘How the fuck are you working here?’ Tim interrupted, slurring his words. He picked at the long hairs on his chin.
According to the photo ID card dangling around his flushed neck, the boy’s name was Bradley. ‘Excuse me?’
‘I thought you needed, like, a million qualifications to work in healthcare.’ Tim belched out the bubbling gas in his stomach. ‘You look younger than me, and I’m EIGHTEEN,’ he half-shouted, half-sang, ‘I get confused every day!’
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Dark Romance First 500 – By Tom Orchard-Webb
On the first read-through, I was immediately distracted by all the adjectives, so I decided to mark them in orange. This is not to say that they are all non-essential. Some of them are necessary and should definitely be kept, but I think it can be very powerful to color code an author’s text so they can see how often certain words, phrases, or parts of speech are used.
Timothy Deakin’s corpse floated through emptiness in an eternity of nothing. His disconnected mind awakened at the touch of ephemeral beauty materialising above him. Uncertain whether he was the dreaming dead or dreaming of death, his senses returned as her naked body slid over his. < As the reader, we know he is a corpse because you told us in the first sentence. But dead people don’t dream. So this sets me up to expect a paranormal. If this is not supposed to be paranormal, then you’re not setting the right tone. She kissed his lips and stroked his cheeks. Her golden hair, which blasted away the darkness with the force of a supernova, tickled his ghostly skin. She rested her head on his chest and listened… Thud, thud, thud… The joy on her lips was clear, yet tears began to rain down her face.
Tim opened his eyes. She was gone.< Opening with a dream or anything that seems like a dream is considered a cliche and is likely to get you rejected.
§§§
The stench of sterility overcame Tim’s regard for hospital rules, finding both safety matches < The way this is written, it basically means that the stench of sterility found the safety matches. and pack of Marlboro Reds in the large chest pocket of his oversized, olive greenGerman Army smock. He flicked his mop of greasy chestnut hair from his glazed hazel eyes < This is third person limited, which means that it’s being told from the perspective of Tim, which means that he can’t see his own hair and eyes to describe them. Consequentially, this immediately pulls the reader backwards out of the story and away from your protagonist. and found himself confronted by a poster depicting tar-coated lungs on the wall opposite to the wooden bench on which he slouched. < This sentence feels a bit like attack of the adjectives. Focus in on the most important descriptions and drop the rest. He snortled, striking the sulphurous head of the match against the sand and powdered glass stripe in a blaze of white phosphorous. < Two problems with this sentence: 1. It implies that his snort had something to do with striking the match. 2. It is overly complicated. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying that he struck the match. He sucked in a lungful of toxic bliss. The hot smoke in the cool hallway was as inwardly refreshing as a cold beer in summer. His eyes fixed on the burning match, the flame crawling along the stick toward his blackened fingernails, like a slug hungry for cabbage.< I’d drop this analogy because it isn’t needed. Gradually, it began to transform before his eyes, until the flame rippled as orange water. Sounds and voices lost all clarity. The pressure in his head and lungs made it seem as though a mysterious hand were drowning him in a bathtub. < The purpose of analogies is to clarify a difficult to grasp concept with something concrete that readers can understand. Since readers probably have not had the experience of a mysterious hand drowning them in the bathtub, it actually adds complexity rather than clarity. Keep it simple like: “as though he were being held underwater.” The “mysterious hand” bit doesn’t convey anything. He realised he was holding his breath. Gasping suddenly and violently, the world slowly< There are three adverbs here almost in a row. Go very, very easy on adverbs. returned to how it had always really been normal. < Keep your word choices simple. “Normal” conveys the same thing in 1/6th of the words.
‘Ah!’ he cried, the slug finally biting him. The flame died as the match fell from his fingers and landed on his battered jeans – battered by use, not design. He rubbed the blackness in, just another stain among stains, allowing the tiny unburned stub to drop to the floor. < It’s not clear to me what was going on with this match and cigarette. Was it drugging him in some way? Why was he losing touch with reality and not breathing?
Against his shoulder, the prodding of sweaty, trembling digits burst the invisible bubble of his internal world. < Can he really feel that the fingers are sweaty? This is outside his viewpoint. His body jerked away and his hand automatically reached for the knife concealed in his side pocket.
The young man leapt back, cat-like. ‘Sorry!’ he yelped. Tim’s defence mechanisms returned to DEFCON 5 at the sight of the smooth face with tomato-red cheeks. The green-robed boy dabbed his brow with his glabrous forearm. ‘I didn’t mean to, um–’
‘How the fuck are you working here?’ Tim interrupted, slurring his words. He picked at the long hairs on his chin. < Picking at hairs on his chin is hard for me to visualize. Is he rubbing a beard? Or pulling stray hairs?
According to the photo ID card dangling around his flushed neck, the boy’s name was Bradley. ‘Excuse me?’ < It’s not clear who is saying this.
‘I thought you needed, like, a million qualifications to work in healthcare.’ Tim belched out the bubbling gas in his stomach. ‘You look younger than me, and I’m EIGHTEEN,’ < Avoid all caps.he half-shouted, half-sang, ‘I get confused every day!’ < This reaction is confusing to me. Is he high/drunk from the flame/cigarette?
My Overall Thoughts
You have some nice and interesting descriptions, but they’re often just a bit too heavy handed. Sometimes striking a match is just striking a match and needs no further explanation. I felt a little confused about what sort of mood you were trying to set, and my brain couldn’t settle on any genre: Paranormal? Fantasy? Drama about a drug addict and/or psychotic person?
Key Places to Improve:
Nix the opening. Is it a dream? A prologue? A glimpse into the future? It’s not clear, and it didn’t reel me in. On top of that, opening with anything dream like is considered cliche.
Give Tim something to do. Sitting and smoking a cigarette isn’t a very interesting place to start. Novels should open with the character doing something of interest: being proactive, facing a conflict, etc.
Go easy on the adjectives. We don’t need to know the color, texture, etc., of everything in the story. At this point, readers aren’t pulled into the story enough to care, and there’s no context with which to judge anything. Tim’s hair is greasy – Does this mean he’s dirty or is his hair just naturally greasy? We don’t know, so it has no real meaning.
Stay tighter on Tim’s point of view. Think critically about what Tim would be seeing. Even though third limited isn’t quite as close as first person, you still shouldn’t be describing things he can’t see or wouldn’t know: like that his eyes look glazed over or that Bradley’s fingers were sweaty. These things pull the readers out of the story and away from Tim, which is the last thing you want on your first page.
The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2
While I think you’re probably starting this story in the wrong place (most likely too early), I do see potential in your writing. If the query letter intrigued me, I might give this another few hundred words to catch my interest, but no more than that. The heavy use of adjectives is likely to scare off agents/editors who will see this as a big editing project.
I think you’ve got a nice writing voice in you that’s trying too hard to get out and be heard. As a result, you’re using adjectives and analogies where they aren’t needed and you’re not being as clear as you could be.
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
NaNoWriMo is coming! In three days you will begin a mad dash to write 50,000 words in just 30 days! It will be chaotic. It will be stressful. And if you don’t have the right tools and techniques, you might not survive!
So here it is, my ultimate NaNoWriMo Survival Guide!
Stalk the Forums
Want to take a break? Need a hug? Choking on a plot bunny? The forums over at NaNoWriMo are awesome! Support for yourself (and your story) is just a click away!
Indulge in Your Liquid Vice
Coffee? Tea? Whiskey? Diet Coke? Normally I wouldn’t endorse such indulgences, but this is NaNoWriMo people! Whatever your liquid vice, stock up on it and keep it close at hand for emergency pick-me-ups.
Put Socializing on Hold
You don’t have to go to every party, wedding, and girls night out. This is a month to focus on you and your writing. Your true friends and loving family members will understand and still be there when you hit 50k.
Set up a Writing Oasis
A cuddly cat? A firmly closed door? The TV blaring? What do you need to create a writing oasis? If you’re not sure, trial and error is a good way to start. Figure out your perfect writing conditions and make sure it’s available when you need it.
Don’t Panic
You will get behind at some point during NaNoWriMo. You’ll run out of ideas, have a family crisis, or collapse in a heap of tears unable to lift a pen. It will happen. But don’t panic. Catching up on those lost words isn’t as hard as you might think. Just take a deep breath and plow forward.
Connect with other WriMos
Whether on Twitter (#NaNoWriMo), the NaNo website, or beyond, find a community of fellow NaNo Warriors and connect. You need the comradery, the cheerleading, the shoulders to cry on. Don’t try to NaNo alone!
Find Your Mantra
What is it that holds you back from your writing? Create a mantra to counteract it, write it down, and stick it on your desk or computer screen. Some examples: I deserve a chance to do what I love; I can accomplish anything; Excuses get me nowhere.
Change Your Scenery
Sometimes you just need to move out of your writing oasis to get the juices flowing. Find a nice coffee shop, get yourself an expensive latte (or whatever you drink) and bang out some words away from home.
Turn Off the Internet
If you find yourself spending more time reading about writing than actually writing, it’s time to turn off the internet. Take a notebook outside (a real one, you know, with paper), or turn your WiFi off (smart phones too!). Then get to work!
Stash Your Favorite Snack
Gummy works? Peppermints? Jalapeno potato chips? NaNoWriMo is not the month to be watching your waist line. A hundred extra calories a day? We gotta do what it takes my writer friends!
Take (Structured) Breaks
Sometimes sitting and staring at a blank screen can do more harm than good. If you need a break, take one, but keep it structured. One level of Candy Crush. Fifteen minutes cuddling your cat. A half hour TV show. Keep breaks short and sweet, but don’t deprive yourself of mental rest.
Attend Write Ins
NaNoWriMo provides handy local groups where you can connect with writers in your area and get together to write. There’s nothing like a roomful of furiously typing fingers to get you focused on your own book.
Participate in Word Sprints
Word sprints are a mad dash to a certain word count. When you’re accountable to other writers, it helps you really keep your focus. You can find word sprints on the NaNo forums and on Twitter (#NaNoWriMo & @NaNoWordSprints).
Bribe Yourself
There’s nothing like bribes and rewards to get words on the page. Bribe yourself for both big and little goals: a bathroom break when you finish the page, an episode of Mad Men when you get to 10k, a NaNoWriMo T-shirt when you cross the finish line.
For Pete’s Sake, Don’t Edit!
The last thing you want to do during NaNoWriMo is edit your work. Put the words on the page and then don’t look at them again! Not even a peek. Always move forward and never look back. You’ve got the rest of the year for editing.
Read the Pep Talks
NaNoWriMo is nice enough to get real authors to write pep talks. Don’t ignore them. These talks are awesome! Make sure to read them and get yourself all revved up!
Track Your Progress
There’s nothing more rewarding than watching those little bars climb up and up and up on the chart tracking your progress on the NaNoWriMo site. Check out this chart often and bask in the glory of how far you’ve come!
Always Believe in You
Don’t let that little voice inside your head tell you that you suck, that you’ll never make it, that you’re not a real writer. You can do whatever you put your mind to. Every writer starts somewhere. You WILL make it.
Want some FREE editing for your NaNoWriMo novel (or any novel)? Enter my contest to win free editing from yours truly. All participants get a free query letter critique!
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
Please read the chapter without my notes and record your feedback in the poll before moving on to my critique. This really helps the author. Thanks!
I apologize for the wonky formatting of this first page. No matter how hard I try to add spaces between the paragraphs, it won’t “stick” once I hit publish.
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Literary Fiction First 500 – By Olusola
He is a man I could have killed, and no court would have found me guilty.
“I love to hate you and hate to love you,” I tell him.
“You’re full of semantics, a player with words,” he replies.
Tell me, why wouldn’t I hate him, a Poseidon to my Odysseus’s ship, a setback to my trip to Ithaca? But could I have killed him? His death would have meant my suicide. I literally can’t live without him, because he is the man locked under my skin, the color of rich coffee. We speak to one another under our breath.
“He’s part of you. It might not be possible to get rid of him,” a psychiatrist told me matter-of-factly after I had been seeing him for some months. A tiresome breath whooshed out of my lungs. I left the psychiatrist’s office without saying bye.
He is standing now at the basin mirror and lathering his face with jasmine-scented shaving cream. Then he shaves, relishing the up-and-down motion of the razor on his skin. Whiskers gather in the foam like the quills of porcupines trapped in a furious snow.
Not time-conscious, he can spend ages dressing, as if preparing for some pageantry. His life revolves around the ephemeral—food, binges, music, and dance. My entrepreneurial habit is a luxury to him; his pleasure-seeking is too costly for my liking. Some folks have said he wanders off the point, that his life has become a rudderless ship. Does he see this as a challenge to make something meaningful of his life and prove his critics wrong?
Since our teens, he’s never wanted to mature or become responsible. The truth is, we wouldn’t have reached where we are now if it hadn’t been for me. I tell him he wouldn’t have had a roof over his head or be settled into this two-room apartment if I hadn’t forced him. He cried that I was being brutal and insensitive when I had combed Lagos, not minding his fever, to make money for the rent. Shameless man. Nothing was wrong in wandering from one friend’s house to another, begging to spend the night. I hated that lifestyle, but he cherished it like a little girl treasures a favorite doll.
On this morning he wouldn’t have left bed if I hadn’t dragged him out. When the alarm clock went off at six, he murmured and kicked the mattress. The tooting horns of cars and the chants of early morning hawkers on the street floated into the room, as if to confirm the dawn of a new day. But he lay there, his head buried under the pillows, cursing the morning for coming too quickly. He crawled out of bed, staggering, his limbs still ached from last night’s revelry. He and other revelers at Energy, the nightclub overlooking our backyard, had become nasty with music of all kinds. But I couldn’t have cared less about his sore joints, because I wasn’t going to allow what had happened a few weeks earlier to happen again.
His morning habits had cost me a job. Or maybe I should blame his late-night fixation. He had watched movies until three in the morning and woken up at a few minutes to eight, for a nine o’clock appointment. Dressing up had taken him eternity, yet he still had the time to brew coffee, which he downed with bread. Of course, I turned up late to my appointment, and they politely turned me away. When I blamed him, he whispered to me, “Que sera sera, Mensah.” Blaming him is absurd. He just doesn’t have my sixth sense: urgency.
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives Olusola even more insight into where she’s hitting the mark and where she can improve.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Literary Fiction First 500 – By Olusola
He is a man I could have killed, and no court would have found me guilty. < Is there a reason for this to be in past tense rather than present? I would like it more in present tense: He is a man I could kill and no court would find me guilty.
“I love to hate you and hate to love you,” I tell him.
“You’re full of semantics, a player with words,” he replies.
Tell me, why wouldn’t I hate him, a Poseidon to my Odysseus’s ship, a setback to my trip to Ithaca? But could I have killed him? His death would have meant my suicide. < “would have” but not anymore? The switching between past and present tense isn’t quite working for me here because I keep wanting to chalk it up to a mistake and switch it all to present. The next line is in present tense and confirms that she will die without him, so it would make more sense to me if the previous line were in present tense as well: “His death would mean my suicide.” I literally can’t live without him, because he is the man locked under my skin, the color of rich coffee < If this is an attempt at being enigmatic, it works well, but if it’s an attempt to convey something concrete, it’s not working. I can’t understand what you mean by this. We speak to one another under our breath.
This is very jarring because the previous line implies that the narrator is speaking to the man, but this dialogue that follows is not coming from the man, it’s coming from a psychiatrist. You can fix this by changing the order of the paragraph so that the psychiatrist is mentioned before he is given dialogue.“He’s part of you. It might not be possible to get rid of him,” a psychiatrist told me matter-of-factly after I had been seeing him for some months. A tiresome breath whooshed out of my lungs. I left the psychiatrist’s office without saying bye.
He is standing stands now at the basin mirror and latheringlathers his face with jasmine-scented shaving cream. Then he shaves, relishing the up-and-down motion of the razor on his skin. Whiskers gather in the foam like the quills of porcupines trapped in a furious snow.
Not time-conscious, he can spend ages dressing, as if preparing for some pageantry. His life revolves around the ephemeral—food, binges, music, and dance. My entrepreneurial habit is a luxury to him; his pleasure-seeking is too costly for my liking. Some folks have said he wanders off the point, that his life has become a rudderless ship. Does he see this as a challenge to make something meaningful of his life and prove his critics wrong? < Wouldn’t she know the answer to this question? She seems to know everything about him.
Since our teens, he’s never wanted to mature or become responsible. The truth is, we wouldn’t have reached where we are now if it hadn’t been for me. I tell < Is she actively telling him? Or do you mean that she “told” him? him he wouldn’t have had a roof over his head or be settled into this two-room apartment if I hadn’t forced him. He cried < Now we’re back to past tense, though it seems to be the same incident as the one being described in the previous sentence in present tense. that I was being brutal and insensitive when I had combed Lagos, not minding his fever, to make money for the rent. < I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here. What did she comb Lagos for? Why does he have a fever? Shameless man. Nothing was wrong in wandering from one friend’s house to another, begging to spend the night. < This sentence reads like it’s coming from the narrator’s opinion, so it’s jarring to then read that she hates the lifestyle. Make it clear that it is the man who thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. I hated that lifestyle, but he cherished it like a little girl treasures a favorite doll.
On this morning he wouldn’t have left bed if I hadn’t dragged him out. When the alarm clock went off at six, he murmured and kicked the mattress. The tooting horns of cars and the chants of early morning hawkers on the street floated into the room, as if to confirm the dawn of a new day. But he lay there, his head buried under the pillows, cursing the morning for coming too quickly. He crawled out of bed, staggering, his limbs still ached from last night’s revelry. < How does she know how his muscles feel? Are they the same person? Is this just a mistake in point of view? It’s not clear. He and other revelers at Energy, the nightclub overlooking our backyard, had become nasty with music of all kinds. But I couldn’t have cared less about his sore joints, because I wasn’t going to allow what had happened a few weeks earlier to happen again.
His morning habits had cost me a job. Or maybe I should blame his late-night fixation. He had watched movies until three in the morning and woken up at a few minutes to eight, for a nine o’clock appointment. Dressing up had taken him eternity, yet he still had the time to brew coffee, which he downed < “downed” implies speed, which contradicts him moving slowly and makes it seem as if he’s rushing. with bread. Of course, I turned up late to my appointment, and they politely turned me away. When I blamed him, he whispered to me, “Que sera sera, Mensah.” Blaming him is absurd. He just doesn’t have my sixth sense: urgency. < “urgency” isn’t a sense, so this doesn’t really make sense to me.
My Overall Thoughts
It’s difficult for me to say much about this opening because I don’t really understand what it’s about. However, there’s a nice rhythm to the writing that makes it pleasant to read despite the lack of clarity.
Key Places to Improve:
Clarity. There are several problems contributing to my finding this opening confusing, but I suspect that they all boil down to an attempt to create an interesting and artistic voice at the expense of clarity. But clarity is always the most important aspect of writing (unless you’re being deliberately enigmatic, which is difficult to pull off well). So clarity comes first, voice comes second. This reads very much like voice is coming first.
Another thing affecting the clarity is the tense. At times, the switching between past and present tense makes sense, but often it wasn’t clear if it was intentional or a mistake. Make sure to comb through your work carefully to straighten out the tenses.
I say this a lot, but it’s a very common problem with first chapters: there is a very fine line between raising interesting questions and being frustratingly unclear. This is leaning towards the latter for me. Why doesn’t “the man” have a name? Why doesn’t the narrator have a name or even a gender? These things need to be identified quickly or else it leaves the reader unable to fully connect with the story.
Avoid juggling multiple time frames if you don’t have to. This opening section has a present situation (the “now”) as well as descriptions of several instances in the past: him not getting out of bed this morning, him losing the narrator a job at some point in the past, him partying the night before, the narrator seeing a psychiatrist. This is a lot of back and forth in time that adds confusion without providing much insight into the characters or their circumstances.
The Writeditor’s Grade: 1.5
While the writing is interesting, making me want to like it, the clarity issues make this very difficult to enjoy. The questions raised aren’t intriguing as much as they are frustrating. That said, this opening may just not be my style and other readers may very well disagree. What does everyone else think?
My Grading Scale:
1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.
2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.
3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.
4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.
5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Connect with Olusola
You can connect with Olusola (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @olusolaakinwale
Submit to First Page Friday
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
Tense comes easier to some writers than to others. If you’re a writer that struggles with sticking to one tense, here are some tips that will help.
Choose Your Natural Tense
Unless there is a very good reason not to, write your novel in the tense that comes most naturally to you. This will save you a ton of time in revisions, because no matter how hard you try, you will always (at least occasionally) veer back towards your natural tense if you try to write in a tense you’re not as comfortable with.
The majority of writers are weak in present tense. Even after dozens of rounds of revisions, their writing still has glaring errors. In the typical past tense novel I edit, I see maybe 4-12 issues with the tense across the entire manuscript. But in every single present tense novel, I see hundreds of errors in tense, sometimes 4-12 per page.
There are some writers, though rare, that have an easier time sticking to present tense than past. There are also some writers who don’t make mistakes in either tense. Know what kind of writer you are. Be aware of which tense comes more naturally to you and use it!
Check Around Dialogue
One of the most common places I find tense errors is directly following dialogue that is in the opposite tense of the narration. For example:
I shove my hands on my hips and scowl. “It wasn’t like that,” I said.
Since the dialogue is in the past tense, it tricks the writer’s brain into thinking that “said” is correct. This should really be written:
I shove my hands on my hips and scowl. “It wasn’t like that,” I say.
Here’s an example in past tense:
I marched across the room and grabbed her by the shoulders. “We need to get out of here now,” I say and wipe the sweat from my brow.
Again, the tense has shifted after the dialogue. It should be written:
I marched across the room and grabbed her by the shoulders. “We need to get out of here now,” I said and wiped the sweat from my brow.
Mistakes in tense around dialogue are extremely common so make sure to spend extra time on these areas.
Imagine Talking to a Friend
This is a trick that can help the writers who truly can’t identify whether something is in past or present tense.
If you’re not sure whether a line is written correctly, imagine that rather than reading a story, you are talking to a friend.
If you are trying to write in the present tense, imagine you are talking to a friend and narrating what you’re doing right this second. For example:
I turn around and walk to the counter. The clerk smiled at me as I picked out a pack of gum.
If you imagine that you are narrating your every move as it happens, you will realize that “the clerk smiled” doesn’t make sense. It should be “the clerk smiles.”
If you’re trying to write in the past tense, imagine you are telling a story to your friend about something that happened last week. For example:
I ran down the street and bumped into Mrs. Duncan. She scowls at me and nearly faints.
When reading that out loud as if you’re telling a story about last week, it’s obvious that “she scowls” doesn’t make sense and that it should be “she scowled.”
Proofread, Proofread, then Proofread Again
If you’re writing in present tense or if you struggle with the past tense, you need to proofread your novel multiple times. Read through the entire thing looking for nothing but tense errors. Read it backwards if you have to. But make sure that you catch every single error in tense.
Though the mistakes may be simple to fix, errors in tense jar readers out of the story, which means that agents and editors will be more likely to chuck your manuscript into the rejection pile.
Get a Beta Reader or Hire an Editor
If worst comes to worst and you feel that you aren’t able to iron out your tense issues on your own, seek out a capable beta reader or hire an editor.
What is the goal of editing? Why do writers spend months or even years rewriting, revising, and editing their books? Why are you editing your book?
The first answer that comes to your mind is probably something like:
“I’m hoping to make my novel better and more entertaining.”
“I’m hoping to get rid of errors, plot holes, and inconsistencies.”
Or maybe even something like: “I keep getting rejected and I don’t know why.”
While all of these reasons are legitimate, they don’t get to the heart of what editing is actually all about.
The real goal of editing is to eliminate anything that might jar the reader out of the story.
That’s it.
Simple, huh?
When I tell writers (especially my clients) that this is what editing is really all about, it’s like a light bulb goes off in their head. Instead of getting hurt or depressed about hacking and slashing their novel, they get excited. They can see the true goal, the light at the end of the tunnel.
Editing isn’t about conforming to genre stereotypes or imitating famous authors. Most importantly, editing is not about following laundry lists of writing rules. The rules are just there to help steer you towards the bottom line, the end goal of keeping your readers fully engaged in your story.
Books are about the reader. A novel is nothing without the reader’s suspension of disbelief. If head hopping, tense changes, or telling instead of showing pulls the reader out of the story, your novel fails to do its job. It fails to transport the reader into a world they can fully believe and become absorbed in.
For a novel to work, the reader must believe that what they’re reading is authentic. That can’t happen when they get hung up on unusual word choices, plot inconsistencies, or characters behaving out of character. When that happens, they see your hand in the work. They see right through your characters and straight to you, the author, and just like that they’re no longer absorbed in the story.
What separates a novel from being laughably bad and amazingly engaging is nothing more than the reader’s ability to believe in it. Nothing gets a book chucked back on the shelves (or into the rejection pile) faster than a reader thinking, This would never happen in real life!
“But,” some writers might say, “my book is a Fantasy. It can’t have happened in real life!” But that’s why readers pick up a Fantasy (or SciFi or Horror). They want you to make them believe that crazy things could really happen, that there is really magic, mystery, and wonder in the world, at least for a little while, at least while they’re reading your book.
Part of the fun of Harry Potter is thinking that someday (maybe!) you might get your acceptance letter to Hogwarts. And what fun would Doctor Who be if we didn’t all secretly believe that someday he might show up in in his TARDIS and whisk us away on an adventure.
When you’re editing, no matter what you’re editing, the bottom line is that you must eliminate anything that prevents your reader from fully engaging in the story.
So there’s no need to cry for the loss of a chapter you loved or despair at the major restructuring required to make your plot believable. It’s all for the good of the story. It’s all for the reader, and that’s who editing is really all about.
Need help figuring out why readers are getting jarred from your story? Check out my editing services.
First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.
I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.
Based on feedback from last week, I’ve decided to change up how the critique is done for this week.
First Page Friday Edit & Critique
Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti
A few weeks ago something happened that changed my life forever. Something so incredible that some days I still have a hard time believing it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Though ironically, the day started out as one of the worst of my life.
I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.
I was ten minutes late to choir rehearsal which earned me the evil eye from my choir teacher, Mr. Stark. On top of that I had a pop quiz in math, a test in Spanish (my two least favorite subjects) and they were serving fish sticks in the cafeteria for lunch. I wasn’t sure how the day could get worse. Until the afternoon rolled around.
I realized that my science homework was sitting at home on the kitchen table and that I had read the wrong pages for my language arts assignment. To top it off, a freak thunderstorm let loose just as my class was headed outside for recess, forcing us to stay inside all afternoon. Lightning and thunder boomed for the rest of the day as the lights flickered, casting an ominous air over everything.
When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’
Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”
Alex was looking at me strangely. No one else was in the room with us.
I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Is Nana here?” I asked.
Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”
“I just thought I heard her earlier.”
“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.
“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.
“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.
I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes.
“Cady?”
I jerked up, looking around frantically. No one. Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.
“Cady, can you hear me?”
OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much.
Reader Participation – What Do You Think?
Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.
Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives Robin even more insight into where she’s hitting the mark and where she can improve.
The Writeditor’s Feedback
Critique Key
Original Text is in italics.
Red is text I recommend removing.
Green is text I recommend adding.
Blue are my comments.
Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti
A few weeks ago something happened that changed my life forever. Something so incredible that some days I still have a hard time believing it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Though ironically, the day started out as one of the worst of my life. < Unlike adult fiction, beginning middle grade novels with telling rather than showing is common and acceptable. However, what I see as a weakness here is that you have four bland sentences in a row. The sentences are vague and they also lack voice. In MG, you need to suck the reader in with a great voice from sentence one.
I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.
I was ten minutes late to choir rehearsal which earned me the evil eye from my choir teacher, Mr. Stark. On top of that I had a pop quiz in math, a test in Spanish (my two least favorite subjects) and they were serving fish sticks in the cafeteria for lunch. I wasn’t sure how the day could get worse. Until the afternoon rolled around. < These are relatively bland obstacles. Setting them as a list like this (rather than showing them) additionally de-emphasizes their severity. She got the evil eye, had a test, and ate fish sticks for lunch, I can imagine most MG readers feeling like this describes every day of their lives, not a particularly bad one.
I realized that my science homework was sitting at home on the kitchen table and that I had read the wrong pages for my language arts assignment. To top it off, a freak thunderstorm let loose just as my class was headed outside for recess, forcing us to stay inside all afternoon. Lightning and thunder boomed for the rest of the day as the lights flickered, casting an ominous air over everything. < As a reader, I don’t know this kid. I actually don’t know a single thing about her, her age, her personality, the stakes in her life, etc. So I don’t have any reason to care that she had a bad day. You could write that a tornado wiped out the whole town and I’d still be thinking, so what? You have to earn your reader’s caring by giving us a reason to care about the character.
When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course < This is the first inkling of a voice. You need to pump it up and give the reader more. – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’ < I thought she was a boy until right now.
Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”
Alex was looking at me strangely. < This is bland and vague. Show the reader his face. Are his eyebrows raised? His mouth scrunched to one side? No one else was in the room with us. < I didn’t think anyone was in the room with them. I assumed the shouting was coming from another place in the house.
I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”
“Yes, dear?”
“Is Nana here?” I asked. < I think this scene would play out a lot more interestingly if she still thought Nana was there and came downstairs saying, “Hi Nana!”
Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”
“I just thought I heard her earlier.”
“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.
“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.
“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.
I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes. < Is Alex gone at this point?
“Cady?” < This name makes me think of Mean Girls.
I jerked up, looking around frantically. < Instead of using an adverb, use more evocative language. For example: I jerked up, flinging my head side to side. No one. < I understand what you’re going for here, but I think you need to emphasize that the voice sounds like it’s coming from within the room, otherwise I would assume it’s coming from outside the room so she’d have to search the house rather than just looking around herself.Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.
“Cady, can you hear me?”
OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? < The mixing of tenses here bothers me. They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much. < This is the second inkling of a voice.
My Overall Thoughts
I’m a big fan of middle grade and as such, I have really high standards. To me, this opening page was pretty flat. It wasn’t bad, but it was very bland. In a stack of middle grade novels, this is unlikely to jump out at me.
Key Places to Improve:
Voice, voice, voice! You need to crank the dial up from 2 to 90. Character is very important to middle grade readers. They want characters they can grow to love, which starts with a very strong, unique voice. Let her be in her world and experience it, make observations, comment on things. Give her some space to show us who she is before introducing the inciting incident (hearing voices presumably).
In addition to voice, you need to give Cady an obstacle, motivation, or desire. This is something that the reader sees coming long before it’s relevant to the main plot. For example: wanting to be popular, having a sick parent, being poor, hating her hair, having a mean older sister, dealing with a bully, etc., etc., etc. These things serve as an extra psychological push during the main plot, and it also gives us a reason to care about the character.
Try to create more vivid imagery. You don’t need to give long descriptions of everything, but right now you’re not giving the reader much of anything. Cady feels like a stick figure on a white paper. What does her room look like? What color is her cat? How much younger is her little brother? What does her mother look like? What is her mother cooking? How messy was the bathroom sink and mirror? What does she think fish sticks taste like? Does she like school or only hate it? These are just some ideas of ways you could add color and life to the story.
The Writeditor’s Grade: 2
I’m giving this a two because while I think there’s a hint of something interesting, it isn’t pulling me in. It feels a bit like you couldn’t wait to get to the hearing voices part so you just wrote a few throwaway paragraphs to get to that point. But the problem is that readers won’t stick with you if they have no reason to care about the character, have difficulty visualizing what’s going on, and don’t have a voice to latch onto.
My Grading Scale:
1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.
2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.
3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.
4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.
5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!
A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.
Connect with Lisen
You can connect with Lisen (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @LisenMinetti
If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:
The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).
Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.
About the Editor
Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.
Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!
Ellen Brock 