First Page Friday #2: Historical Fiction

October 4, 2013October 9, 20133 Comments

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Historical Fiction First 500 – By Maria Reeves

Maria informed me that this is an early draft, so I’m going to try to focus more on the big picture.

Strait of Juan De Fuca
July 17, 1897

It was amazing, Beriah thought, that the moon could be so yellow. She looked like a celestial gold nugget, << At first I thought the “she” was Beriah. hanging heavy and low in the night sky. << Starting with weather, the night sky, the moon, etc. is considered cliche and is likely to turn off agents and editors. It didn’t matter that she was waning; her beauty spoke for itself. Every night she issued a gentle reminder to humanity to strive beyond our limitations, to reach outside our capabilities, to explore the unknown. She belonged to everyone and no one, but tonight, Beriah knew she existed only for him << This threw me off because I expected Beriah to be a woman. It sounds like a feminine name to me. , and together they were going to issue a challenge to humanity that would be remembered for all time. << This paragraph is pretty generic. It doesn’t tell me anything about your character or the story other than that it’s nighttime.

Of course, much of that was dependent on human error, specifically Beriah’s human error, but he tried not to think about << Again, this isn’t telling me anything. The success of almost anything and everything is dependent on a lack of human error. that as he stood on the deck of the Sea Lion, a tiny tugboat, that was charging up the Straight of Juan De Fuca like a lonely ghost ship in the middle of the night. Beriah stood tall despite his nerves and checked his gold pocket watch for what must have been the thousandth time since he’d boarded the Sea Lion earlier that evening. <<Readers can infer that it’s been over the course of this evening. This slows down the paragraph. The watch had been a gift from his father, also a Beriah Brown, as well as a former Post Intelligencer editor and, one time Mayor of Seattle. << Does this matter for some reason? It seems a bit irrelevant.

This opening section has no apparent conflict and not enough information to grab my attention. If I picked this up at the book store, I wouldn’t keep reading.

2:14 AM.

Beriah felt the Captain’s eyes on him and tucked his watch back into his breast pocket. He’d made promises, perhaps too big for a lowly reporter to fulfill if he was wrong about tonight. << You’re still being vague. What promises? What is he trying to accomplish? What’s going on? He cleared his throat and clutched a sealskin bag firmly, in spite of the strap that was cinched tightly across his shoulder. He couldn’t think about what would happen to him if he were wrong. << He might not want to think about it, but as the reader, I want to know. What will happen if he’s wrong? And wrong about what? He felt himself reach for his watch again. Surely the moon, his cohort, was deceiving him.

There is still no conflict, only hints at one. My attention still hasn’t been grabbed.

2:14 AM.

He heard the steamship before he could see her. The Portland was storming towards them up the strait. She sounded old and tired, laboring as if her contents were trying to pull her under. If Beriah was right, they were. She materialized from the shadows. << It’s repetitive to say that she materialized after you said that she was storming towards them, which implies that Beriah could already see the ship. So you’ve mentioned Beriah seeing the ship a total of three times in four sentences. This creates a feeling in the reader of jumping forward and backward in time: he’s seen the ship, then he sees it coming up the straight, then it materializes (implying he hasn’t seen it yet). This jars the reader out of the story. There was something beautiful about her stubborn nature. She was defiant and unrelenting, meticulously trying to outrun a fate that would drag her to the depths of oblivion if she showed any sign of weakness. << What “fate” are you referring to? Share more with the reader. Beriah counted on the moon, hoping she would reveal the Sea Lion to the Portland before it was too late, before they would collide, sending the Sea Lion to her doom while the Portland charged ahead. << This should be an exciting concept, but it’s not hitting my emotions. Mostly because I know nothing about Beriah or the ship. I have no reason to care what happens next.

Beriah nodded at the Captain and felt their speed increase. This was his moment to make something of himself separate from his father and family name. << Why does he want to make something of himself? I don’t have enough information to understand why this is important. He felt like he could taste his heart as they charged the steamship head-on, in a desperate play to intercept the Portland before she made port in Seattle. << I thought the ships were going to collide? Now they’re intercepting her on purpose? So he wants the ships to collide? It’s not clear. They would succeed, or they would die. Either way, he took comfort that the moon would bear witness. << I don’t understand Beriah’s preoccupation with the moon.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

My Overall Thoughts

The writing style is pleasant in that the structure is simple, flows nicely, and is easy to understand. But I don’t know what’s going on. Not because I don’t understand what’s on the page, but because there isn’t enough there. I know that Beriah is on a ship, has a preoccupation with the moon, and wants to intercept another ship for some reason, but I don’t really know anything about the main character or his motivations.

My emotions are not engaged.

Key Places to Improve

There’s a difference between raising intriguing questions and being so vague that there’s nothing for the reader to latch onto. Unfortunately, this leans strongly towards the latter for me. The vague statements feel like you’re withholding information to try to create tension. Tell the reader what’s going on or they’re not going to stick around.

The timestamps seemed odd to me. Is there a very good reason for their inclusion? If not, I would get rid of them. They cut up what little action there is, and I think they’re encouraging you to be vague and repetitive by including short sections that aren’t really needed.

Watch out for filtering (heard, felt, saw, etc.). This is probably a pervasive problem in your writing, but it’s one that can be easily fixed.

Give us more of your character. Not back story necessarily, but something that shows the reader who he is. In the first few pages (as soon as possible), you want to establish: what the main character wants, why the reader should be sympathetic, and how the main character is being proactive. None of these things are clear other than that the main character doesn’t want the ships to collide.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 1

I’m not sure what this novel is about so I’m not sure whether you’re starting in the right place. If this is the best place to start, make it exciting, create tension, make us feel the character’s worry. Avoid long descriptions of the sky and moon. Avoid vague statements and thoughts. Be specific. Make it feel real.

I am giving this a one, not because the writing is terrible, but because this doesn’t do what a first page needs to do: suck the reader into the story.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Reader Participation

What Do You Think?

Grades are subjective. The more people grading her work, the better grasp the writer will have on how much she needs to improve. Please help Maria by providing your own grade.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are welcome in the comments section below. Explaining your grade gives Maria even more insight.

Connect with Maria

You can connect with Maria (the author of the first page) on her blog: waterbloggedtriathlete.com

And on Twitter: @ultraswimfast

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her editing services and testimonials.

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #1: Science Fiction

September 27, 2013October 9, 2013Leave a comment

First Page Friday

Hooray for the first ever First Page Friday! If you missed my introductory post, here’s some info:

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

SciFi First 500 – By Charles Naylor

As the blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face and cut into the wall behind him, he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. << Avoid starting sentences with “as.” It’s not nearly as active or engaging as a simple rewrite: The blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face, cutting into the wall behind him, as he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. He remembered waking, and he remembered the rum, and he remembered Tak practically beating down his door as he burnt an omelet. But did he turn the oven off before Tak poured him into a pair of pants and hustled him outside? << I like how you’ve incorporated back story in a way that isn’t obvious or info dumping.

He tried to roll left, but the fifth of rum he killed this morning made it more of a lurch-then-skid as the big bastard << Who is “the big bastard”? jerked his Cryotek Series II Plasma Cutter in the opposite direction, cutting a foot-wide line through the wall behind him. Buggin wrinkled his nose, he always hated the smell of melted concrete and rebar, and << These are two different concepts that don’t need to be connected as one sentence.>>He closed his left eye while bracing his heavy laser rifle against his right shoulder. He switched on his gun’s scope, disabling the transparency effect on his eyepatch << Since an eyepatch was not previously mentioned, I had to read this a couple of times to assess what I think you are saying – that he wears the eyepatch all the time and it darkens while he’s using the gun’s scope. For the sake of not jarring the reader, I think this could be made clearer. and piping in the scope’s wireless feed. He didn’t need the scope’s infrared sensor to notice the tip of the Plasma Cutter igniting again.

“Shit!” Buggin managed to rolled left just as another blue line ignited the area he had previously occupied, the busted concrete scattered on the ground that dug at his back working together with his near-death experience to briefly pierce the cloud of inebriation that suffused his brain.<< This sentence is working too hard, especially the second half. You have four things going on: he’s rolling left, he has concrete digging into his back, he’s having a near death experience, and his inebriation is pierced. Break these things up a bit. Give each some screen time with the reader so they can be processed separately. That wasn’t a Series II PC, hell it wasn’t even a Series III. That had to be some prototype PC to cooldown << “cooldown” should be two words “cool down.” in two seconds.

“Tak, you asshole! You told me they were some punk gangbangers using ten–year–old tech! If this bastard isn’t using some prototype shit I’ll eat my damned eyepatch!”

Tak, busy exchanging shots with a few gangbangers from behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal that had once been a car, << Consider making this more active. For example: Tak flung himself behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal and shot at the gangbangers. shouted back, “That’s what I was told! Maybe that gun came from the merch they stole? The guy << Does “the guy” have a name? If so, use it here. If not, I’d use something a bit stronger like “the bastard.” that hired me wouldn’t tell me what they took, only that it was worth 1500 credits EACH << All caps is usually discouraged and may appear unprofessional. if we could recover it!”

Buggin, in the middle of the room after his last roll and wishing he hadn’t drank so much <<This sentence construction is weakening what you’re trying to say. It’s always better to show something happening in the moment rather than explaining that it happened in the past. For example, this could be rewritten as: Buggin rolled into the middle of the room, his head swirling. If only he hadn’t drank so much. , scanned the room as he stumbled to his feet. He started a count as he ran for the nearest cover, a pillar twenty feet away.

One. A plan began to coalesce in his liquored-up brain. He looked over his shoulder, trying and tried << This reads as more active. to place himself between the pillar and the bastard.

One and a half. The pillar is in front of him, the bastard behind.<< You’ve switched to present tense.

Two. Trusting to his count, he dived forward and slightly-left << “slightly-left” should not be hyphenated. just as another blue plasma beam cut the air, punching a foot-wide hole in the pillar as he painfully belly-flopped onto some more loose concrete scattered around it. << This is another sentence that’s working too hard. You’ve got too much going on: he trusts his count, he dives forward, another plasma beam cuts the air, the beam punches a hole, he painfully belly flops, he lands on loose concrete. Whew! That’s an awful lot to pack into one sentence. Break it up.

Buggin groaned, as he climbed to his feet, and ducked behind the pillar. Once in cover he took a half second to collect himself and observe the situation. <<This is telling (rather than showing). You can easily show that he’s collecting himself and observing the situation. He and Tak were caught between the bastard <<Who is “the bastard”? and the two bangers. One banger used suppressing fire << I don’t know what “suppressing fire” means so I can’t visualize this. to keep Tak pinned as the other moved from cover to get into a better flanking position. If he didn’t do something now Tak was good as dead.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

My Overall Thoughts

I can tell that Charles knows enough about his craft to not make beginner mistakes, and I felt like I was in the hands of a competent storyteller. The dialogue and voice both sounded natural. My biggest complaint is clarity, which was something that hung me up quite a few times.

The novel starts with a fairly humorous sentence about the main character being more worried about his oven being on than about the fight at hand. This is a great hook, but make sure it is true to the rest of the story. There were no other humorous moments or significant displays of the main character’s personality in the rest of the opening, which leads me to wonder if this is a hook that isn’t backed up by the rest of the novel.

Key Places to Improve

Watch out for sentences constructed like this: something happened as something else happened. This sentence construction was used nine times. That’s about 50% of non-dialogue sentences. The problem with this construction is that it makes the action feel less active, which makes it less engaging.

Where is this scene taking place? They’re in a room and there are pillars, but there is also a rusted-out old car. I can’t visualize the space, which distances me from the story.

Use short, choppy sentences to create tension and excitement. Watch out for sentences that are doing double, triple, or quadruple duty. These sentences are explaining so many concepts at once that each concept doesn’t have time to gel in the reader’s brain. In other words, it can both reduce tension and lower the reader’s comprehension.

Overall, I think you could be a bit richer with the details. Are they wearing street clothes or space suits? Are they in a warehouse? An indoor junkyard? What makes the various weapons different? What does the enemy look like? Are they fifteen or eighty-five? I’m intrigued by what’s happening, but I don’t really know what’s happening.

Where does the voice/humor go after the first paragraph? I missed it because it was a big part of what drew me into the story. The first few sentences of a novel set the tone for the whole book and make a promise to the reader about what’s to come. Writers always need to make sure that they’re living up to this promise.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 3.5

I’m giving this a 3.5 because I’m intrigued, but I’m not jumping out of my seat with enthusiasm. While I would definitely read on, if what’s happening isn’t made clear in the next couple hundred words, you’d probably lose me. Improving the voice after the first paragraph would bump this up to a 4.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have read past the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall writing ability.

Reader Participation

What Do You Think?

Grades are subjective. The more people grading his work, the better grasp the writer will have on how much he needs to improve. Please help Charles by providing your own grade.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are welcome in the comments section below. Explaining your grade gives Charles even more insight.

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

Improve Your Novel with Find and Replace

September 26, 2013October 9, 201310 Comments

Once you’ve perfected your plot and polished up your prose, there’s a quick way to add an extra layer of shine to your novel: Find and Replace.

The “Find and Replace” feature (sometimes called “Search and Replace”) is an easy way to get rid of bad writing habits that you might not notice when reading straight through your novel.

Here are some things to search for and eliminate from your book:

Began & Started

Find: Begin, begins, began, beginning, start, starts, started, starting

Replace these words with active verbs. We don’t need to know that the character started doing something, we just need to know that they’re doing it. “Start” and “began” make the action feel less active so consequently, the reader is less engaged.

Example: He started to run.

Change to: He ran.

Adverbs

Find: ly (this can be a bit tedious, but if you have a love affair with adverbs it will be well worth the time.)

Replace words ending in “ly” (AKA adverbs) with stronger verbs or cut them out entirely. Adverbs weaken the action rather than strengthen it, and they are often a sign of lazy writing.

Example: He quickly ran across the park.

Change to: He darted across the park.

Verbs Ending in “ing”

Find: ing (again, this can be pretty tedious, but it’s worth it.)

Replace verbs ending in “ing” with verbs ending in “ed” whenever it is proceeded by “was,” “were,” or “is.” This sort of “ing” verb makes the action less active and if you use it a lot, it can also raise your word count.

Sometimes, however, this sentence structure makes sense if an ongoing action is being described, but think critically about whether it makes a difference if the action was ongoing or immediate. If it doesn’t matter, go with “ed,” as in the example below.

Example: I turned and Mary was glaring at me.

Change to: I turned and Mary glared.

Time-Based Adverbs

Find: when, then, suddenly, immediately, always, often, already, finally

Replace these time-based adverbs with stronger descriptions that show the suddenness, frequency, etc., or eliminate them entirely. I wrote a post about time-based adverbs here. But here’s the gist: more words take longer to read and make the action feel less immediate, not more immediate.

Example: I immediately ran through the door.

Change to: I ran through the door.

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First Page Friday: Get a FREE Edit and Critique of Your Novel’s First Page!

September 20, 2013October 9, 2013Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking for a while about how to give better advice on my blog as well as how to offer some free editing to my blog and Twitter followers.

While mulling this over, I realized that I could combine both goals and create an educational series that will allow my readers to see my editing advice in action while at the same time giving back to the awesome writing community with some free edits!

Thus, “First Page Friday” was born!

Once I gather up enough submissions, I will post an edit and critique of the first 500 words of a novel every week, focusing on the following elements:

Where I would stop reading as an agent, editor, or reader.
Whether or not it’s the best place to start the story.
Whether or not the story is hooking me.
Any major or minor writing issues.
How it could be improved.

Submission Details

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence).
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

Please share this post and spread the word to other writers. Let’s make First Page Friday a success!

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her editing services and testimonials.

Why Logical Novel Editors are Better than Passionate Ones

September 11, 2013October 9, 20134 Comments

I recently had an angry client. He sent me a long, condescending email that insulted my editing skills and called me “cold,” “terse,” and “bitchy.” Not because of my behavior or because of our email correspondences, but because he didn’t like my editing style.

Now, I wouldn’t consider myself a harsh editor. It’s not like I am to editing what Gordon Ramsay is to cooking or what Abby Lee Miller is to dance. I never insult or belittle my clients. I never make them feel inadequate or unintelligent for making mistakes, but nor do I coddle and comfort them within my edits. And the reason is simple: emotions cloud judgement.

The truth is, while I’m editing, I’m all business. My mind is in the game. My brain gears are turning. I am thinking: How can I make this better? More marketable? More tense? More entertaining?

This angry client complained that I was not passionate or positive enough about his work, and so, he concluded, I was a poor match for the novel and should not have taken the job. But this client missed a hugely important point: You don’t want a passionate editor.

Passion makes humans irrational. It makes us believe that our new loves are perfect or that our children are the most talented kids in the state. Passion is what makes authors write books in the first place. It’s what allows them to devote huge chunks of their lives to pursuing their dream of publication, a dream that is very, very difficult to achieve.

Your mom, dad, friends, and spouse will probably also be passionate about your novel. They’ll tell everyone they know that it’s the greatest book around and that you are amazing and talented and perfect. And passion is exactly what you need while writing that first draft and when getting the very first feedback on your work. But it’s not what you want in an editor.

An editor should not be passionate about your book. An editor should be passionate about editing.

And that’s who I am. I’m an editor passionate about editing. I love editing so much that I will edit brochures in my mind. I love it so much that I often edit in the evenings while everyone else is playing video games or watching TV. I love it so much that I regularly give away advice, services, and my online course for free.

This is me editing.

I am passionate about editing. I am not passionate about your book.

That is not to say that I don’t want my clients to succeed. I do! I really, really do! It’s the greatest feeling in the world when I see that a client has reached publishing success. That’s what I’m here for – to help you on your journey to publication. But I am not here to fall in love with your book, to make you feel good about yourself, or to feel deep waves of passion as I read your novel.

So if you want comments like, “OMG, I love this part!!!!” that’s perfectly fine. That’s just the stage you’re at with your writing. It’s a healthy stage and it’s a passing stage. If what you’re looking for is emotional support, you need to ask a friend or relative to read your book.

But if you want comments like, “This section is slowing down the plot. Cutting it would increase the tension.” then hire an editor, a good editor, one that isn’t going to blow hot air to keep you happy. It takes a lot of guts to ask an editor to criticize your work. I know that and I respect that. I always tell my clients to take it slow and to come to me with any questions, concerns, or confusion.

My clients who are truly (emotionally) ready for an editor call me things like “invaluable,” “fantastic,” and “a huge help.”

When you go to a mechanic, you don’t expect them to fall in love with your car. And you’re not going to accuse the mechanic of being “terse,” “cold,” or “bitchy” when he tells you that your car is totaled because you drove it into a brick wall. Mechanics tell the truth. Editors tell the truth. The real question is whether or not you’re ready to hear it.

Are you ready to hear it? Check out my editing services.

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Three Words to Banish From Your Novel (or else)

February 21, 2013October 9, 20136 Comments

Showing instead of telling is a big obstacle for many writers. Sometimes writers tell instead of show without even realizing it! Here are three words that insidiously introduce telling into your writing. Get rid of them (or else)!

Obviously

Examples:

He was obviously in a bad mood.

She obviously had a headache.

It was obvious that she didn’t want to be there.

Clearly

Examples:

He clearly thought she was full of crap.

She was clearly happy about the news.

It was clear she had better things to do.

Indicating

Examples:

He stepped back, indicating that he didn’t want to be that close to her.

She frowned, clearly indicating that she was still upset about their fight.

The man indicated that she should sit down.

Why They Suck

Anytime a writer uses a sentence like the ones above, I want to jump up and down screaming, “Cheater, cheater, cheater!” All of these sentences are telling rather than showing. They’re cheap, easy, zero-effort ways of making a point.

Sometimes these words are also used to stretch the point of view (POV). If your POV character doesn’t have any way of knowing something, you can simply say that it’s clear, obvious, or indicated. Cheaters!

Stretch yourself as a writer, find ways to show how characters think and feel. Use expressions, body language, tone of voice. And sometimes just let your readers breathe! Give them a chance to draw their own conclusions. They’re smarter than you think!

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Writers, Stop Repeating Yourselves!

February 8, 2013October 9, 20132 Comments

You know that feeling when someone is telling you something they’ve already told you? It makes your palms sweat and fingers twitch. It takes all the self control you possess to not scream in their face, “You told me this already! I know, I know, shut up!” (maybe that’s just me?)

A lot of writers create this irritation in their readers without even knowing it.

This repetition takes many forms:

Repeated Emotions/Motivations

This is when a character feels a certain way about something and we hear about it over and over and over. Often it’s related to the character’s motivation or what they’re trying to accomplish.

For example, maybe a character really wants a boyfriend. That’s all fine and good, but if the narration of every single scene features something along the lines of “She wished she had a boyfriend,” it gets very old, very quickly. Establish motivation early on, then let it go. Readers can remember your character’s motivation without constant reminders.

Scenes with the Same Purpose

Say you want to show that Abby has a crush on Bill. You write a scene where Abby watches him from the back of the classroom. Okay, no problem, that introduces her motivation, it pushes the story forward. But then you write another scene, where she doodles his name in her notebook. Okay, we get it, she likes him. Then you write another scene in which Abby writes him a love letter that she doesn’t send. Alright already! We get it! She likes him!

There would be nothing wrong with these scenes IF something else happened in them (she writes a love letter and gets caught; she doodles his name in her notebook and loses it). A scene must have conflict and must move the plot forward. You can’t use scene after scene just to establish character motivation. You can test whether a scene is repetitive/redundant by taking it out of your story – does the story still make sense? If so, cut it out! It’s useless! I wrote more about this here.

Sentences with the Same Meaning

Nearly every writer does this, and it is much harder to catch in your own work than in others. This is when two sentences appear relatively close together (within a page or two, but often they’re back to back) that carry the exact same meaning. For example:

The couch was dark red. She dropped into it with a sigh. It was the color of blood.

See how the first and third sentences are saying the exact same thing?

Writers should avoid repetition at all costs! It makes the story grow stale and it can irritate readers (even if they don’t know why they feel irritated).

Need more editing help? Check out my freelance novel editing services.