First Page Friday #7: Fantasy

November 8, 20133 Comments

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

Please read the chapter without my notes and record your feedback in the poll before moving on to my critique. This really helps the author. Thanks!

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Fantasy First 500 – By Randall Whan

Phineas surveyed the approaching army descending upon the city. While small, less than a hundred men, he knew that nothing would stop their advancement till they reached the library. Reports had come in from the west, of their approach, where several villages were burned to ash. Hundreds of men, women, and children had found their head on the end of a pike if they failed to escape. Darkness followed them like a fog enveloping all that it touched. Even the moon’s brilliant light seemed to fade as they drew nearer.Time, so little time left, but how much time did he have left? Surely his barricade on the lower level of library wouldn’t hold them off for long. The city was all but deserted; they had fled when the scouts brought word of the army’s approach. Most of them fled north to the mountains where they believed they would be safe. Phineas had stayed behind and sealed himself in the library, desperate to finish his task. An eerie silence unnerved him, not a sound came from the valley surrounding the city. It seemed that even the wolves and night larks sensed the evil approaching beneath the boots of the invaders. Lowering the hood of his robe he turned back into the room. His head was shaven except for the braid of hair bound by a crimson and leather band hung to the right side of his forehead. A gold medallion bearing the crest of Deval, a large oak tree barren of leaves, was tied to end of the braid.The only light in the small study came from a burning candle on a desk in the center of the room. The candle was quickly reaching the end of its burn, and like his time, would soon be out. Three of the stone walls were lined with charts and maps; one held a door that lead to the landing of the second level of the library. The fourth was covered by a large bookcase filled with books of various topics. He hurried over to the desk. A group of four rolled scrolls, sealed with read wax bearing the same seal of Deval. He tore the wax from of the scrolls and glanced at its script. Not finished, he thought, but it would have to do. He grabbed a quill and dipped into ink and quickly began to write. His hands ached as he wrote on the tattered parchment. Blacked ink stained his fingers, his hands wrinkled and calloused. He had held his post as chief elder of Deval for the past 35 years, now he knew the moment he and the rest of the elders had been preparing for was upon them. He hoped that he wasn’t too late, that his work would not be in vain.He was pulled away from his writing as the sound of a battering

ram pounding against the libraries outer doors vibrated

throughout the study.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Fantasy First 500 – By Randall Whan

Phineas surveyed the approaching army descending upon the city. < This is not the most exciting opening line. It feels overly familiar since a lot of fantasy novels open with an approaching army or battle. While small, less than a hundred men, he knew < “knew” is a filtering word. Read more about filtering here. that nothing would stop their advancement till they reached the library. Reports of their approach had come in from the west, of their approach, < Avoid unusual sentence structures as they tend to sacrifice clarity. where several villages were burned to ash. Hundreds of men, women, and children had found their head on the end of a pike if they failed to escape. <I’m not a fan of sentences that imply dead people realize things. On top of that, this is more passive than saying that the army put their heads on the end of pikes. Darkness followed them like a fog enveloping all that it touched. Even the moon’s brilliant light seemed to fade as they drew nearer. < I mentioned this in another First Page Friday, but I recommend not mentioning the moon in the first chapter, especially in the first few paragraphs, because it’s considered cliche.
Time, so little time left, but how much time did he have left? < The wording of this sentence is strange. He sort of answers his own question before he even asks it. Surely his barricade on the lower level of the library wouldn’t hold them off for long. < Oh, so he’s inside the library? This wasn’t clear. The city was all but deserted; they < “They” seems vague. Perhaps “villagers”? had fled when the scouts brought word of the army’s approach. Most of them fled north to the mountains where they believed they would be safe. Phineas had stayed behind and sealed himself in the library, desperate to finish his task. An eerie silence unnerved him, not a sound came from the valley surrounding the city. It seemed that even the wolves and night larks sensed the evil approaching beneath the boots of the invaders. < Again, this line feels like something I’ve read a dozen times before. Lowering the hood of his robe he turned back into the room. His head was shaven except for the braid of hair bound by a crimson and leather band that hung to the right side of his forehead. A gold medallion bearing the crest of Deval, a large oak tree barren of leaves, was tied to the end of the braid.The only light in the small study came from a burning candle on a desk in the center of the room. < This is another line that just feels too familiar. The candle was quickly reaching the end of its burn, and like his time, would soon be out. Three of the stone walls were lined with charts and maps; one held a door that lead to the landing of the second level of the library. The fourth was covered by a large bookcase filled with books of various topics.<This is too vague to be worth including. He hurried over to the desk. A group of four rolled scrolls, sealed with read wax bearing the same seal of Deval. <This is a sentence fragment. He tore the wax from of the scrolls and glanced at its script. Not finished, he thought, but it would have to do. < This either needs to be an italicized thought in present tense or not a thought at all. Right now the first part is in present tense and the second part is in past, which reads awkwardly. He grabbed a quill and dipped into ink and quickly began to write. < The next sentence says he’s writing, so this seems redundant. His hands ached as he wrote on the tattered parchment. Blacked ink stained his fingers, his hands wrinkled and calloused. < Connecting the two parts of this sentence with a comma doesn’t make sense because they have nothing to do with each other. He had held his post as chief elder of Deval for the past 35 years, now he knew the moment he and the rest of the elders had been preparing for was upon them. He hoped that he wasn’t too late, that his work would not be in vain.He was pulled away from his writing as the sound of a battering

ram pounding against the libraries outer doors vibrated

throughout the study. <I’m not sure if this formatting is intentional or unintentional, but this is the way it was sent to me. If it’s intentional, I have to wonder why?

My Overall Thoughts

This opening lacks a strong hook. A hook can be anything from a question that begs for an answer to a unique plot element or character trait. This opening feels a bit too expected, a bit too much like dozens of other fantasy novels that have already been published. What’s unique about your book? Why is it better than all the other fantasy novels? That is the element you need to push to hook in readers.

Key Places to Improve:

Why should I care about Phineas? I don’t know who he is, whether he’s good or bad, or what he’s trying to accomplish. This makes it difficult to root for him.

Work on finding your own unique voice. The writing isn’t bad, but it sounds like you’re trying to write the way you think a fantasy novel is supposed to be written.

Emphasize what is unique about your fantasy world. The approaching army, candlelit room, eery silence, scrolls, medallion, and guy with a braid all feel too familiar and too standard for the genre. That’s fine when coupled with some really unique elements, but the uniqueness isn’t coming across here.

Be careful with your proofreading: added or missing words, grammatical errors, sentences that don’t make sense. Agents/editors don’t have a lot of tolerance for these types of mistakes as it can give the impression you didn’t put your best effort into the work before submission.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 1

Your writing isn’t bad, it’s just a little bland. I don’t feel like this is something that could have only come from Randall Whan, but that’s the impression you want to give agents and editors – that this is a unique masterpiece that could only have come from your imagination. The only way to give that impression is to have a strong voice and unique world/character/plot elements. And maybe this is true of the rest of the book. I don’t know.

I think, more likely than not, you are not starting this in the right place. Don’t fall into the trap of starting with action. That is absolutely not a requirement of the first chapter. In fact, it often leads to weaker first chapters. Action is meaningless before the reader has bonded to the characters. The key to a great first chapter is to start with proaction (your character doing something). That doesn’t mean that what they’re doing has to be inherently exciting. It just has to be interesting.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Randall

You can connect with Randall on Twitter: @R_A_Whan

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Ellen Brock (AKA The Writeditor) is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services.

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #6: Dark Romance

November 1, 2013November 4, 20132 Comments

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

Please read the chapter without my notes and record your feedback in the poll before moving on to my critique. This really helps the author. Thanks!

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Dark Romance First 500 – By Tom Orchard-Webb

Timothy Deakin’s corpse floated through emptiness in an eternity of nothing. His disconnected mind awakened at the touch of ephemeral beauty materialising above him. Uncertain whether he was the dreaming dead or dreaming of death, his senses returned as her naked body slid over his. She kissed his lips and stroked his cheeks. Her golden hair, which blasted away the darkness with the force of a supernova, tickled his ghostly skin. She rested her head on his chest and listened… Thud, thud, thud… The joy on her lips was clear, yet tears began to rain down her face.

Tim opened his eyes. She was gone.

§§§

The stench of sterility overcame Tim’s regard for hospital rules, finding both safety matches and pack of Marlboro Reds in the large chest pocket of his oversized, olive green German Army smock. He flicked his mop of greasy chestnut hair from his glazed hazel eyes and found himself confronted by a poster depicting tar-coated lungs on the wall opposite to the wooden bench on which he slouched. He snortled, striking the sulphurous head of the match against the sand and powdered glass stripe in a blaze of white phosphorous. He sucked in a lungful of toxic bliss. The hot smoke in the cool hallway was as inwardly refreshing as a cold beer in summer. His eyes fixed on the burning match, the flame crawling along the stick toward his blackened fingernails, like a slug hungry for cabbage. Gradually, it began to transform before his eyes, until the flame rippled as orange water. Sounds and voices lost all clarity. The pressure in his head and lungs made it seem as though a mysterious hand were drowning him in a bathtub. He realised he was holding his breath. Gasping suddenly and violently, the world slowly returned to how it had always really been.

Against his shoulder, the prodding of sweaty, trembling digits burst the invisible bubble of his internal world. His body jerked away and his hand automatically reached for the knife concealed in his side pocket.

The young man leapt back, cat-like. ‘Sorry!’ he yelped. Tim’s defence mechanisms returned to DEFCON 5 at the sight of the smooth face with tomato-red cheeks. The green-robed boy dabbed his brow with his glabrous forearm. ‘I didn’t mean to, um–’

‘How the fuck are you working here?’ Tim interrupted, slurring his words. He picked at the long hairs on his chin.

According to the photo ID card dangling around his flushed neck, the boy’s name was Bradley. ‘Excuse me?’

‘I thought you needed, like, a million qualifications to work in healthcare.’ Tim belched out the bubbling gas in his stomach. ‘You look younger than me, and I’m EIGHTEEN,’ he half-shouted, half-sang, ‘I get confused every day!’

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Dark Romance First 500 – By Tom Orchard-Webb

On the first read-through, I was immediately distracted by all the adjectives, so I decided to mark them in orange. This is not to say that they are all non-essential. Some of them are necessary and should definitely be kept, but I think it can be very powerful to color code an author’s text so they can see how often certain words, phrases, or parts of speech are used.

Timothy Deakin’s corpse floated through emptiness in an eternity of nothing. His disconnected mind awakened at the touch of ephemeral beauty materialising above him. Uncertain whether he was the dreaming dead or dreaming of death, his senses returned as her naked body slid over his. < As the reader, we know he is a corpse because you told us in the first sentence. But dead people don’t dream. So this sets me up to expect a paranormal. If this is not supposed to be paranormal, then you’re not setting the right tone. She kissed his lips and stroked his cheeks. Her golden hair, which blasted away the darkness with the force of a supernova, tickled his ghostly skin. She rested her head on his chest and listened… Thud, thud, thud… The joy on her lips was clear, yet tears began to rain down her face.

Tim opened his eyes. She was gone. < Opening with a dream or anything that seems like a dream is considered a cliche and is likely to get you rejected.

§§§

The stench of sterility overcame Tim’s regard for hospital rules, finding both safety matches < The way this is written, it basically means that the stench of sterility found the safety matches. and pack of Marlboro Reds in the large chest pocket of his oversized, olive green German Army smock. He flicked his mop of greasy chestnut hair from his glazed hazel eyes < This is third person limited, which means that it’s being told from the perspective of Tim, which means that he can’t see his own hair and eyes to describe them. Consequentially, this immediately pulls the reader backwards out of the story and away from your protagonist. and found himself confronted by a poster depicting tar-coated lungs on the wall opposite to the wooden bench on which he slouched. < This sentence feels a bit like attack of the adjectives. Focus in on the most important descriptions and drop the rest. He snortled, striking the sulphurous head of the match against the sand and powdered glass stripe in a blaze of white phosphorous. < Two problems with this sentence: 1. It implies that his snort had something to do with striking the match. 2. It is overly complicated. There’s nothing wrong with simply saying that he struck the match. He sucked in a lungful of toxic bliss. The hot smoke in the cool hallway was as inwardly refreshing as a cold beer in summer. His eyes fixed on the burning match, the flame crawling along the stick toward his blackened fingernails, like a slug hungry for cabbage. < I’d drop this analogy because it isn’t needed. Gradually, it began to transform before his eyes, until the flame rippled as orange water. Sounds and voices lost all clarity. The pressure in his head and lungs made it seem as though a mysterious hand were drowning him in a bathtub. < The purpose of analogies is to clarify a difficult to grasp concept with something concrete that readers can understand. Since readers probably have not had the experience of a mysterious hand drowning them in the bathtub, it actually adds complexity rather than clarity. Keep it simple like: “as though he were being held underwater.” The “mysterious hand” bit doesn’t convey anything. He realised he was holding his breath. Gasping suddenly and violently, the world slowly < There are three adverbs here almost in a row. Go very, very easy on adverbs. returned to how it had always really been normal. < Keep your word choices simple. “Normal” conveys the same thing in 1/6th of the words.

‘Ah!’ he cried, the slug finally biting him. The flame died as the match fell from his fingers and landed on his battered jeans – battered by use, not design. He rubbed the blackness in, just another stain among stains, allowing the tiny unburned stub to drop to the floor. < It’s not clear to me what was going on with this match and cigarette. Was it drugging him in some way? Why was he losing touch with reality and not breathing?

Against his shoulder, the prodding of sweaty, trembling digits burst the invisible bubble of his internal world. < Can he really feel that the fingers are sweaty? This is outside his viewpoint. His body jerked away and his hand automatically reached for the knife concealed in his side pocket.

‘How the fuck are you working here?’ Tim interrupted, slurring his words. He picked at the long hairs on his chin. < Picking at hairs on his chin is hard for me to visualize. Is he rubbing a beard? Or pulling stray hairs?

According to the photo ID card dangling around his flushed neck, the boy’s name was Bradley. ‘Excuse me?’ < It’s not clear who is saying this.

‘I thought you needed, like, a million qualifications to work in healthcare.’ Tim belched out the bubbling gas in his stomach. ‘You look younger than me, and I’m EIGHTEEN,’ < Avoid all caps. he half-shouted, half-sang, ‘I get confused every day!’ < This reaction is confusing to me. Is he high/drunk from the flame/cigarette?

My Overall Thoughts

You have some nice and interesting descriptions, but they’re often just a bit too heavy handed. Sometimes striking a match is just striking a match and needs no further explanation. I felt a little confused about what sort of mood you were trying to set, and my brain couldn’t settle on any genre: Paranormal? Fantasy? Drama about a drug addict and/or psychotic person?

Key Places to Improve:

Nix the opening. Is it a dream? A prologue? A glimpse into the future? It’s not clear, and it didn’t reel me in. On top of that, opening with anything dream like is considered cliche.

Give Tim something to do. Sitting and smoking a cigarette isn’t a very interesting place to start. Novels should open with the character doing something of interest: being proactive, facing a conflict, etc.

Go easy on the adjectives. We don’t need to know the color, texture, etc., of everything in the story. At this point, readers aren’t pulled into the story enough to care, and there’s no context with which to judge anything. Tim’s hair is greasy – Does this mean he’s dirty or is his hair just naturally greasy? We don’t know, so it has no real meaning.

Stay tighter on Tim’s point of view. Think critically about what Tim would be seeing. Even though third limited isn’t quite as close as first person, you still shouldn’t be describing things he can’t see or wouldn’t know: like that his eyes look glazed over or that Bradley’s fingers were sweaty. These things pull the readers out of the story and away from Tim, which is the last thing you want on your first page.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

While I think you’re probably starting this story in the wrong place (most likely too early), I do see potential in your writing. If the query letter intrigued me, I might give this another few hundred words to catch my interest, but no more than that. The heavy use of adjectives is likely to scare off agents/editors who will see this as a big editing project.

I think you’ve got a nice writing voice in you that’s trying too hard to get out and be heard. As a result, you’re using adjectives and analogies where they aren’t needed and you’re not being as clear as you could be.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Tom

You can connect with Tom (the author of the first page) on his website: http://www.tomorchardwebb.com/

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #5: Literary Fiction

October 25, 2013October 25, 2013Leave a comment

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

Please read the chapter without my notes and record your feedback in the poll before moving on to my critique. This really helps the author. Thanks!

I apologize for the wonky formatting of this first page. No matter how hard I try to add spaces between the paragraphs, it won’t “stick” once I hit publish.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Literary Fiction First 500 – By Olusola

He is a man I could have killed, and no court would have found me guilty.

“I love to hate you and hate to love you,” I tell him.

“You’re full of semantics, a player with words,” he replies.

Tell me, why wouldn’t I hate him, a Poseidon to my Odysseus’s ship, a setback to my trip to Ithaca? But could I have killed him? His death would have meant my suicide. I literally can’t live without him, because he is the man locked under my skin, the color of rich coffee. We speak to one another under our breath.

“He’s part of you. It might not be possible to get rid of him,” a psychiatrist told me matter-of-factly after I had been seeing him for some months. A tiresome breath whooshed out of my lungs. I left the psychiatrist’s office without saying bye.

He is standing now at the basin mirror and lathering his face with jasmine-scented shaving cream. Then he shaves, relishing the up-and-down motion of the razor on his skin. Whiskers gather in the foam like the quills of porcupines trapped in a furious snow.

Not time-conscious, he can spend ages dressing, as if preparing for some pageantry. His life revolves around the ephemeral—food, binges, music, and dance. My entrepreneurial habit is a luxury to him; his pleasure-seeking is too costly for my liking. Some folks have said he wanders off the point, that his life has become a rudderless ship. Does he see this as a challenge to make something meaningful of his life and prove his critics wrong?

Since our teens, he’s never wanted to mature or become responsible. The truth is, we wouldn’t have reached where we are now if it hadn’t been for me. I tell him he wouldn’t have had a roof over his head or be settled into this two-room apartment if I hadn’t forced him. He cried that I was being brutal and insensitive when I had combed Lagos, not minding his fever, to make money for the rent. Shameless man. Nothing was wrong in wandering from one friend’s house to another, begging to spend the night. I hated that lifestyle, but he cherished it like a little girl treasures a favorite doll.

On this morning he wouldn’t have left bed if I hadn’t dragged him out. When the alarm clock went off at six, he murmured and kicked the mattress. The tooting horns of cars and the chants of early morning hawkers on the street floated into the room, as if to confirm the dawn of a new day. But he lay there, his head buried under the pillows, cursing the morning for coming too quickly. He crawled out of bed, staggering, his limbs still ached from last night’s revelry. He and other revelers at Energy, the nightclub overlooking our backyard, had become nasty with music of all kinds. But I couldn’t have cared less about his sore joints, because I wasn’t going to allow what had happened a few weeks earlier to happen again.

His morning habits had cost me a job. Or maybe I should blame his late-night fixation. He had watched movies until three in the morning and woken up at a few minutes to eight, for a nine o’clock appointment. Dressing up had taken him eternity, yet he still had the time to brew coffee, which he downed with bread. Of course, I turned up late to my appointment, and they politely turned me away. When I blamed him, he whispered to me, “Que sera sera, Mensah.” Blaming him is absurd. He just doesn’t have my sixth sense: urgency.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives Olusola even more insight into where she’s hitting the mark and where she can improve.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Literary Fiction First 500 – By Olusola

He is a man I could have killed, and no court would have found me guilty. < Is there a reason for this to be in past tense rather than present? I would like it more in present tense: He is a man I could kill and no court would find me guilty.

“I love to hate you and hate to love you,” I tell him.

“You’re full of semantics, a player with words,” he replies.

Tell me, why wouldn’t I hate him, a Poseidon to my Odysseus’s ship, a setback to my trip to Ithaca? But could I have killed him? His death would have meant my suicide. < “would have” but not anymore? The switching between past and present tense isn’t quite working for me here because I keep wanting to chalk it up to a mistake and switch it all to present. The next line is in present tense and confirms that she will die without him, so it would make more sense to me if the previous line were in present tense as well: “His death would mean my suicide.” I literally can’t live without him, because he is the man locked under my skin, the color of rich coffee < If this is an attempt at being enigmatic, it works well, but if it’s an attempt to convey something concrete, it’s not working. I can’t understand what you mean by this. We speak to one another under our breath.

This is very jarring because the previous line implies that the narrator is speaking to the man, but this dialogue that follows is not coming from the man, it’s coming from a psychiatrist. You can fix this by changing the order of the paragraph so that the psychiatrist is mentioned before he is given dialogue. “He’s part of you. It might not be possible to get rid of him,” a psychiatrist told me matter-of-factly after I had been seeing him for some months. A tiresome breath whooshed out of my lungs. I left the psychiatrist’s office without saying bye.

He is standing stands now at the basin mirror and lathering lathers his face with jasmine-scented shaving cream. Then he shaves, relishing the up-and-down motion of the razor on his skin. Whiskers gather in the foam like the quills of porcupines trapped in a furious snow.

Since our teens, he’s never wanted to mature or become responsible. The truth is, we wouldn’t have reached where we are now if it hadn’t been for me. I tell < Is she actively telling him? Or do you mean that she “told” him? him he wouldn’t have had a roof over his head or be settled into this two-room apartment if I hadn’t forced him. He cried < Now we’re back to past tense, though it seems to be the same incident as the one being described in the previous sentence in present tense. that I was being brutal and insensitive when I had combed Lagos, not minding his fever, to make money for the rent. < I’m not sure what you’re trying to say here. What did she comb Lagos for? Why does he have a fever? Shameless man. Nothing was wrong in wandering from one friend’s house to another, begging to spend the night. < This sentence reads like it’s coming from the narrator’s opinion, so it’s jarring to then read that she hates the lifestyle. Make it clear that it is the man who thinks there’s nothing wrong with it. I hated that lifestyle, but he cherished it like a little girl treasures a favorite doll.

On this morning he wouldn’t have left bed if I hadn’t dragged him out. When the alarm clock went off at six, he murmured and kicked the mattress. The tooting horns of cars and the chants of early morning hawkers on the street floated into the room, as if to confirm the dawn of a new day. But he lay there, his head buried under the pillows, cursing the morning for coming too quickly. He crawled out of bed, staggering, his limbs still ached from last night’s revelry. < How does she know how his muscles feel? Are they the same person? Is this just a mistake in point of view? It’s not clear. He and other revelers at Energy, the nightclub overlooking our backyard, had become nasty with music of all kinds. But I couldn’t have cared less about his sore joints, because I wasn’t going to allow what had happened a few weeks earlier to happen again.

His morning habits had cost me a job. Or maybe I should blame his late-night fixation. He had watched movies until three in the morning and woken up at a few minutes to eight, for a nine o’clock appointment. Dressing up had taken him eternity, yet he still had the time to brew coffee, which he downed < “downed” implies speed, which contradicts him moving slowly and makes it seem as if he’s rushing. with bread. Of course, I turned up late to my appointment, and they politely turned me away. When I blamed him, he whispered to me, “Que sera sera, Mensah.” Blaming him is absurd. He just doesn’t have my sixth sense: urgency. < “urgency” isn’t a sense, so this doesn’t really make sense to me.

My Overall Thoughts

It’s difficult for me to say much about this opening because I don’t really understand what it’s about. However, there’s a nice rhythm to the writing that makes it pleasant to read despite the lack of clarity.

Key Places to Improve:

Clarity. There are several problems contributing to my finding this opening confusing, but I suspect that they all boil down to an attempt to create an interesting and artistic voice at the expense of clarity. But clarity is always the most important aspect of writing (unless you’re being deliberately enigmatic, which is difficult to pull off well). So clarity comes first, voice comes second. This reads very much like voice is coming first.

Another thing affecting the clarity is the tense. At times, the switching between past and present tense makes sense, but often it wasn’t clear if it was intentional or a mistake. Make sure to comb through your work carefully to straighten out the tenses.

I say this a lot, but it’s a very common problem with first chapters: there is a very fine line between raising interesting questions and being frustratingly unclear. This is leaning towards the latter for me. Why doesn’t “the man” have a name? Why doesn’t the narrator have a name or even a gender? These things need to be identified quickly or else it leaves the reader unable to fully connect with the story.

Avoid juggling multiple time frames if you don’t have to. This opening section has a present situation (the “now”) as well as descriptions of several instances in the past: him not getting out of bed this morning, him losing the narrator a job at some point in the past, him partying the night before, the narrator seeing a psychiatrist. This is a lot of back and forth in time that adds confusion without providing much insight into the characters or their circumstances.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 1.5

While the writing is interesting, making me want to like it, the clarity issues make this very difficult to enjoy. The questions raised aren’t intriguing as much as they are frustrating. That said, this opening may just not be my style and other readers may very well disagree. What does everyone else think?

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Olusola

You can connect with Olusola (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @olusolaakinwale

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

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First Page Friday #4: Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy

October 18, 2013October 18, 201310 Comments

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

I am still working on the best way to present the edit and critique so your feedback is welcome. Please let me know which sections you like, which you hate, and if you have any ideas for ways to make this segment more useful.

Based on feedback from last week, I’ve decided to change up how the critique is done for this week.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti

I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.

When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’

Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”

Alex was looking at me strangely. No one else was in the room with us.

I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Is Nana here?” I asked.

Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”

“I just thought I heard her earlier.”

“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.

“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.

“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.

I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes.

“Cady?”

I jerked up, looking around frantically. No one. Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.

“Cady, can you hear me?”

OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives Robin even more insight into where she’s hitting the mark and where she can improve.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Middle Grade Mystery/Fantasy First 500 – By Lisen Minetti

A few weeks ago something happened that changed my life forever. Something so incredible that some days I still have a hard time believing it. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Though ironically, the day started out as one of the worst of my life. < Unlike adult fiction, beginning middle grade novels with telling rather than showing is common and acceptable. However, what I see as a weakness here is that you have four bland sentences in a row. The sentences are vague and they also lack voice. In MG, you need to suck the reader in with a great voice from sentence one.

I got up late, Mom yelling at me to hurry up and get in the shower. My little brother Alex was hogging the bathroom brushing his teeth, spitting toothpaste all over the mirror and sink. Gross.

I was ten minutes late to choir rehearsal which earned me the evil eye from my choir teacher, Mr. Stark. On top of that I had a pop quiz in math, a test in Spanish (my two least favorite subjects) and they were serving fish sticks in the cafeteria for lunch. I wasn’t sure how the day could get worse. Until the afternoon rolled around. < These are relatively bland obstacles. Setting them as a list like this (rather than showing them) additionally de-emphasizes their severity. She got the evil eye, had a test, and ate fish sticks for lunch, I can imagine most MG readers feeling like this describes every day of their lives, not a particularly bad one.

I realized that my science homework was sitting at home on the kitchen table and that I had read the wrong pages for my language arts assignment. To top it off, a freak thunderstorm let loose just as my class was headed outside for recess, forcing us to stay inside all afternoon. Lightning and thunder boomed for the rest of the day as the lights flickered, casting an ominous air over everything. < As a reader, I don’t know this kid. I actually don’t know a single thing about her, her age, her personality, the stakes in her life, etc. So I don’t have any reason to care that she had a bad day. You could write that a tornado wiped out the whole town and I’d still be thinking, so what? You have to earn your reader’s caring by giving us a reason to care about the character.

When I finally got home from school, I ran upstairs and collapsed onto my bed, miserable. I just wanted the day to be over. And that’s when it happened. Alex barged into my room without knocking and as I was just about to tell him – very politely of course < This is the first inkling of a voice. You need to pump it up and give the reader more. – to go away, I heard Nana clear as day shout ‘Catherine Elise Martin!’ < I thought she was a boy until right now.

Uh oh. No one uses my full name unless I’m in trouble. I think it’s a rule in the Parent Handbook. I jumped up protesting the whole time. “Nana, I didn’t do -”

Alex was looking at me strangely. < This is bland and vague. Show the reader his face. Are his eyebrows raised? His mouth scrunched to one side? No one else was in the room with us. < I didn’t think anyone was in the room with them. I assumed the shouting was coming from another place in the house.

I went downstairs to where mom was cooking dinner. “Mom?”

“Yes, dear?”

“Is Nana here?” I asked. < I think this scene would play out a lot more interestingly if she still thought Nana was there and came downstairs saying, “Hi Nana!”

Mom stopped stirring and looked at me, “No, why?”

“I just thought I heard her earlier.”

“Mmmmhmmm,” replied Mom, turning back to her cooking. I went up to my room and sat down on my bed to pet my cat, Jinx.

“I could have sworn I heard Nana,” I muttered under my breath.

“Meow,” replied Jinx looking at me knowingly with his big yellow eyes.

I sighed, laid back on my bed, and closed my eyes. < Is Alex gone at this point?

“Cady?” < This name makes me think of Mean Girls.

I jerked up, looking around frantically. < Instead of using an adverb, use more evocative language. For example: I jerked up, flinging my head side to side. No one. < I understand what you’re going for here, but I think you need to emphasize that the voice sounds like it’s coming from within the room, otherwise I would assume it’s coming from outside the room so she’d have to search the house rather than just looking around herself. Jinx just blinked at me lazily and put his head back down. Maybe I had accidentally fallen asleep.

“Cady, can you hear me?”

OK now I knew I was hearing things! But what should I do? < The mixing of tenses here bothers me. They just don’t cover this stuff in health class. Feeling sick – yes; hearing voices in your head – not so much. < This is the second inkling of a voice.

My Overall Thoughts

I’m a big fan of middle grade and as such, I have really high standards. To me, this opening page was pretty flat. It wasn’t bad, but it was very bland. In a stack of middle grade novels, this is unlikely to jump out at me.

Key Places to Improve:

Voice, voice, voice! You need to crank the dial up from 2 to 90. Character is very important to middle grade readers. They want characters they can grow to love, which starts with a very strong, unique voice. Let her be in her world and experience it, make observations, comment on things. Give her some space to show us who she is before introducing the inciting incident (hearing voices presumably).

In addition to voice, you need to give Cady an obstacle, motivation, or desire. This is something that the reader sees coming long before it’s relevant to the main plot. For example: wanting to be popular, having a sick parent, being poor, hating her hair, having a mean older sister, dealing with a bully, etc., etc., etc. These things serve as an extra psychological push during the main plot, and it also gives us a reason to care about the character.

Try to create more vivid imagery. You don’t need to give long descriptions of everything, but right now you’re not giving the reader much of anything. Cady feels like a stick figure on a white paper. What does her room look like? What color is her cat? How much younger is her little brother? What does her mother look like? What is her mother cooking? How messy was the bathroom sink and mirror? What does she think fish sticks taste like? Does she like school or only hate it? These are just some ideas of ways you could add color and life to the story.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 2

I’m giving this a two because while I think there’s a hint of something interesting, it isn’t pulling me in. It feels a bit like you couldn’t wait to get to the hearing voices part so you just wrote a few throwaway paragraphs to get to that point. But the problem is that readers won’t stick with you if they have no reason to care about the character, have difficulty visualizing what’s going on, and don’t have a voice to latch onto.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Lisen

You can connect with Lisen (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @LisenMinetti

And check out her blog: http://lisenminetti.wordpress.com/

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #3: Paranormal Mystery

October 11, 2013October 11, 2013Leave a comment

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

Based on feedback from last week, I’ve decided to change up how the critique is done for this week.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Paranormal Mystery First 500 – By Robin St. Clare

I’m crouched in a small closet, trying not to breathe, when the furniture in the adjoining room starts moving. Through the keyhole I watch as a stately upholstered armchair inches across the floor, but then with a sudden lurch it picks up speed. The chair’s carven legs scrape over the hardwood floor, leaving the the arcane symbols chalked onto the floor smudged and disrupted. I slowly draw back from the door, bringing up my video camera to the keyhole. I can only imagine that video proof is going to be necessary for this. As I start recording, an unearthly moan rises within the room, sounding as if it’s emanating from the walls themselves.

Continuing to watch the tableau on the camera viewscreen, I wince as the most elaborate symbol, drawn to ward off evil spirits, is distorted into unrecognizability. Fiona spent forever making sure it was perfect. She’s going to be so upset.

Not least of all because the entity responsible for the moving furniture is a person and not a supernatural being.

I briefly consider bursting from the closet to confront Mrs. Pevington, who is currently leaning heavily on the armchair trying to catch a breath, but I don’t want to give the poor old lady a heart attack. Well, old lady. She’s not exactly “poor” in any sense of the word. Evelyn Pevington lives next door to the house we’re in now, but in this upscale neighborhood that entails more than a short walk over. I have to be impressed with her dedication to her cause. Although it is kind of a terrible cause.

Eventually Mrs. Pevington evaluates the room and, evidently satisfied with her handiwork, shuffles off, back to her own house I assume. I wait an extra minute or two, then gratefully unbend, muscles protesting all the way. Next time I’m bringing a folding chair. Or better yet, just leaving the video camera and waiting somewhere comfortable.

I open the closet door and step into the room, still documenting the scene with the video camera.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Paranormal Mystery First 500 – By Robin St. Clare

I’m crouched in a small closet, trying not to breathe, when the furniture in the adjoining room starts moving. << I recommend avoiding opening a chapter, especially a first chapter, with a sentence containing “when,” “as,” “while,” etc. because it takes some of the immediacy out of the action. Through the keyhole I watch as a stately upholstered armchair inches across the floor, << You already explained that the furniture started moving (we don’t need that explained twice), but now you’re showing it so I’d keep this sentence and cut the first one. but then with a sudden lurch it picks up speed. The chair’s carven legs scrape over the hardwood floor, leaving the the arcane symbols chalked onto the floor smudged and disrupted << This is sort of a backwards way of articulating this. Keep it simple. For example: The chair’s carven legs smudge the arcane symbols chalked onto the hardwood floor. . I slowly draw back from the door, bringing up my video camera to the keyhole. I can only imagine that video proof is going to be necessary for this << “This” is too vague. . As I start recording, an unearthly moan rises within the room, sounding as if it’s emanating from the walls themselves.

Continuing to watch the tableau on the camera viewscreen , I wince as the most elaborate symbol, drawn to ward off evil spirits, is distorted into unrecognizability << This isn’t really a word so I suggest rephrasing.. Fiona spent forever making sure it was perfect. She’s going to be so upset. << At this point I’m not sure how much fear I’m supposed to be feeling. Is this a life-threatening situation or just a game? Is the narrator scared? It’s not clear.

Not least of all because the entity responsible for the moving furniture is a person and not a supernatural being.

I briefly consider bursting from the closet to confront Mrs. Pevington, who is currently leaning heavily on the armchair trying to catch a breath, << I feel a bit duped finding out that nothing supernatural is going on. but I don’t want to give the poor old lady a heart attack. Well, old lady. She’s not exactly “poor” in any sense of the word. Evelyn Pevington lives next door to the house we’re in now << “We” who? Also, it’s not clear if she is in her own house or Mrs. Pevinton’s. , but in this upscale neighborhood that entails more than a short walk over << The wording of the second half of this sentence confused me. I had to read it three times. I’d find a simpler way of explaining this. . I have to be impressed with her dedication to her cause. Although it is kind of a terrible cause. << I’m not sure what you’re referring to when you say “cause.”

Eventually Mrs. Pevington evaluates the room and, evidently satisfied with her handiwork, shuffles off, back to her own house I assume. << I’m pretty confused about what has transpired. I wait an extra minute or two, then gratefully unbend, muscles protesting all the way. Next time I’m bringing a folding chair. Or better yet, just leaving the video camera and waiting somewhere comfortable.

I open the closet door and step into the room, still documenting the scene with the video camera.

“Well,” I say, narrating for future audiences, “I think we can rule out ghostly activity. So far as the redecorating goes, anyway.” I sweep the camera around the room a few more times, making sure not to miss anything, while heading towards the source of the eerie wails still echoing around the room << I assumed this wailing stopped a long time ago. Mentioning it another time prior to here would probably be a good idea. . I follow the sound to the south wall. An elegant bookcase stands against the wall, housing a few classics and a Ming vase that’s probably insured for more than I’m worth. Half hidden behind the bookcase, I spy an air vent set into the wall just above the baseboard. “I think I’ve found the source of the mysterious wailing,” I say as I bend down. Setting the camera on the floor, still facing the vent, I examine the metal cover. The screws have been loosened recently << How does she know the screws were loosened recently vs. in the distant past? and I’m able to lift it off relatively easily. Inside, sitting in the vent, is… a cassette player. Seriously? These things still exist? << What I am ascertaining from this, though I could be wrong, is that Mrs. Pevington is moving things around to create the illusion of ghosts? If this is the case, I’m confused as to why she would play moaning sounds. Wouldn’t she then get caught because the house’s occupants would hear her?

My Overall Thoughts

I’m generally a fan of present tense, but it always makes me cringe a little because I anticipate a lot of mistakes, however I didn’t catch a single one in this excerpt so bravo!

You present some intriguing questions about what Mrs. Pevington is doing, but I do wish it were a bit clearer who and where the main character is.

Key Places to Improve:

For the same reason you don’t start a chapter with a dream, it’s generally not a good idea to dupe the reader into thinking something interesting and exciting is happening only to reveal that that isn’t the case. This could give agents/editors the impression that you don’t feel your opening is good enough to stand on its own without a bit of trickery.

Opening with the narrator “crouched in a small closet” made my brain immediately think that the character was very young. The spying through the keyhole gave me a young vibe as well. Since this novel is intended for adult readers, think about ways to make it clear your narrator is an adult as early as possible.

I think you could pull a little more emotion out of your narrator. Was she surprised, disgusted, angry, amused, etc. to find out that Mrs. Pevington was moving the furniture? Show this in the narration.

I couldn’t figure out whether the narrator was in her own house, Mrs. Pevinton’s house, or someone else’s house. Clarifying that would help strengthen the opening.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 3

The opening intrigued me, which is great. That’s exactly what you want to do with a first chapter. But finding out nothing supernatural was going on and that the narrator knew this, felt a little too much like a trick. Readers: what are your thoughts? Do you agree or disagree?

The writing itself could be a bit clearer in the places I marked, and a more significant emotional connection to the character would help draw in readers.

I don’t think you’re far off with this. The primary issues are those things that writers can’t see on their own, the things that end up misunderstood or misinterpreted by readers.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Connect with Robin

You can connect with Robin (the author of the first page) on Twitter: @clarewrites

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #2: Historical Fiction

October 4, 2013October 9, 20133 Comments

First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

Historical Fiction First 500 – By Maria Reeves

Maria informed me that this is an early draft, so I’m going to try to focus more on the big picture.

Strait of Juan De Fuca
July 17, 1897

It was amazing, Beriah thought, that the moon could be so yellow. She looked like a celestial gold nugget, << At first I thought the “she” was Beriah. hanging heavy and low in the night sky. << Starting with weather, the night sky, the moon, etc. is considered cliche and is likely to turn off agents and editors. It didn’t matter that she was waning; her beauty spoke for itself. Every night she issued a gentle reminder to humanity to strive beyond our limitations, to reach outside our capabilities, to explore the unknown. She belonged to everyone and no one, but tonight, Beriah knew she existed only for him << This threw me off because I expected Beriah to be a woman. It sounds like a feminine name to me. , and together they were going to issue a challenge to humanity that would be remembered for all time. << This paragraph is pretty generic. It doesn’t tell me anything about your character or the story other than that it’s nighttime.

Of course, much of that was dependent on human error, specifically Beriah’s human error, but he tried not to think about << Again, this isn’t telling me anything. The success of almost anything and everything is dependent on a lack of human error. that as he stood on the deck of the Sea Lion, a tiny tugboat, that was charging up the Straight of Juan De Fuca like a lonely ghost ship in the middle of the night. Beriah stood tall despite his nerves and checked his gold pocket watch for what must have been the thousandth time since he’d boarded the Sea Lion earlier that evening. <<Readers can infer that it’s been over the course of this evening. This slows down the paragraph. The watch had been a gift from his father, also a Beriah Brown, as well as a former Post Intelligencer editor and, one time Mayor of Seattle. << Does this matter for some reason? It seems a bit irrelevant.

This opening section has no apparent conflict and not enough information to grab my attention. If I picked this up at the book store, I wouldn’t keep reading.

2:14 AM.

Beriah felt the Captain’s eyes on him and tucked his watch back into his breast pocket. He’d made promises, perhaps too big for a lowly reporter to fulfill if he was wrong about tonight. << You’re still being vague. What promises? What is he trying to accomplish? What’s going on? He cleared his throat and clutched a sealskin bag firmly, in spite of the strap that was cinched tightly across his shoulder. He couldn’t think about what would happen to him if he were wrong. << He might not want to think about it, but as the reader, I want to know. What will happen if he’s wrong? And wrong about what? He felt himself reach for his watch again. Surely the moon, his cohort, was deceiving him.

There is still no conflict, only hints at one. My attention still hasn’t been grabbed.

2:14 AM.

He heard the steamship before he could see her. The Portland was storming towards them up the strait. She sounded old and tired, laboring as if her contents were trying to pull her under. If Beriah was right, they were. She materialized from the shadows. << It’s repetitive to say that she materialized after you said that she was storming towards them, which implies that Beriah could already see the ship. So you’ve mentioned Beriah seeing the ship a total of three times in four sentences. This creates a feeling in the reader of jumping forward and backward in time: he’s seen the ship, then he sees it coming up the straight, then it materializes (implying he hasn’t seen it yet). This jars the reader out of the story. There was something beautiful about her stubborn nature. She was defiant and unrelenting, meticulously trying to outrun a fate that would drag her to the depths of oblivion if she showed any sign of weakness. << What “fate” are you referring to? Share more with the reader. Beriah counted on the moon, hoping she would reveal the Sea Lion to the Portland before it was too late, before they would collide, sending the Sea Lion to her doom while the Portland charged ahead. << This should be an exciting concept, but it’s not hitting my emotions. Mostly because I know nothing about Beriah or the ship. I have no reason to care what happens next.

Beriah nodded at the Captain and felt their speed increase. This was his moment to make something of himself separate from his father and family name. << Why does he want to make something of himself? I don’t have enough information to understand why this is important. He felt like he could taste his heart as they charged the steamship head-on, in a desperate play to intercept the Portland before she made port in Seattle. << I thought the ships were going to collide? Now they’re intercepting her on purpose? So he wants the ships to collide? It’s not clear. They would succeed, or they would die. Either way, he took comfort that the moon would bear witness. << I don’t understand Beriah’s preoccupation with the moon.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

My Overall Thoughts

The writing style is pleasant in that the structure is simple, flows nicely, and is easy to understand. But I don’t know what’s going on. Not because I don’t understand what’s on the page, but because there isn’t enough there. I know that Beriah is on a ship, has a preoccupation with the moon, and wants to intercept another ship for some reason, but I don’t really know anything about the main character or his motivations.

My emotions are not engaged.

Key Places to Improve

There’s a difference between raising intriguing questions and being so vague that there’s nothing for the reader to latch onto. Unfortunately, this leans strongly towards the latter for me. The vague statements feel like you’re withholding information to try to create tension. Tell the reader what’s going on or they’re not going to stick around.

The timestamps seemed odd to me. Is there a very good reason for their inclusion? If not, I would get rid of them. They cut up what little action there is, and I think they’re encouraging you to be vague and repetitive by including short sections that aren’t really needed.

Watch out for filtering (heard, felt, saw, etc.). This is probably a pervasive problem in your writing, but it’s one that can be easily fixed.

Give us more of your character. Not back story necessarily, but something that shows the reader who he is. In the first few pages (as soon as possible), you want to establish: what the main character wants, why the reader should be sympathetic, and how the main character is being proactive. None of these things are clear other than that the main character doesn’t want the ships to collide.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 1

I’m not sure what this novel is about so I’m not sure whether you’re starting in the right place. If this is the best place to start, make it exciting, create tension, make us feel the character’s worry. Avoid long descriptions of the sky and moon. Avoid vague statements and thoughts. Be specific. Make it feel real.

I am giving this a one, not because the writing is terrible, but because this doesn’t do what a first page needs to do: suck the reader into the story.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have finished the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Reader Participation

What Do You Think?

Grades are subjective. The more people grading her work, the better grasp the writer will have on how much she needs to improve. Please help Maria by providing your own grade.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are welcome in the comments section below. Explaining your grade gives Maria even more insight.

Connect with Maria

You can connect with Maria (the author of the first page) on her blog: waterbloggedtriathlete.com

And on Twitter: @ultraswimfast

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #1: Science Fiction

September 27, 2013October 9, 2013Leave a comment

First Page Friday

Hooray for the first ever First Page Friday! If you missed my introductory post, here’s some info:

First Page Friday is a new section on The Writeditor’s blog. Every Friday I will provide an in-depth edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel.

First Page Friday Edit & Critique

Critique Key

Original Text is in italics.

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue are my comments.

SciFi First 500 – By Charles Naylor

As the blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face and cut into the wall behind him, he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. << Avoid starting sentences with “as.” It’s not nearly as active or engaging as a simple rewrite: The blue plasma tracer ignited the air scant inches from Buggin’s face, cutting into the wall behind him, as he tried to remember whether or not he left the oven on. He remembered waking, and he remembered the rum, and he remembered Tak practically beating down his door as he burnt an omelet. But did he turn the oven off before Tak poured him into a pair of pants and hustled him outside? << I like how you’ve incorporated back story in a way that isn’t obvious or info dumping.

He tried to roll left, but the fifth of rum he killed this morning made it more of a lurch-then-skid as the big bastard << Who is “the big bastard”? jerked his Cryotek Series II Plasma Cutter in the opposite direction, cutting a foot-wide line through the wall behind him. Buggin wrinkled his nose, he always hated the smell of melted concrete and rebar, and << These are two different concepts that don’t need to be connected as one sentence.>>He closed his left eye while bracing his heavy laser rifle against his right shoulder. He switched on his gun’s scope, disabling the transparency effect on his eyepatch << Since an eyepatch was not previously mentioned, I had to read this a couple of times to assess what I think you are saying – that he wears the eyepatch all the time and it darkens while he’s using the gun’s scope. For the sake of not jarring the reader, I think this could be made clearer. and piping in the scope’s wireless feed. He didn’t need the scope’s infrared sensor to notice the tip of the Plasma Cutter igniting again.

“Shit!” Buggin managed to rolled left just as another blue line ignited the area he had previously occupied, the busted concrete scattered on the ground that dug at his back working together with his near-death experience to briefly pierce the cloud of inebriation that suffused his brain.<< This sentence is working too hard, especially the second half. You have four things going on: he’s rolling left, he has concrete digging into his back, he’s having a near death experience, and his inebriation is pierced. Break these things up a bit. Give each some screen time with the reader so they can be processed separately. That wasn’t a Series II PC, hell it wasn’t even a Series III. That had to be some prototype PC to cooldown << “cooldown” should be two words “cool down.” in two seconds.

“Tak, you asshole! You told me they were some punk gangbangers using ten–year–old tech! If this bastard isn’t using some prototype shit I’ll eat my damned eyepatch!”

Tak, busy exchanging shots with a few gangbangers from behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal that had once been a car, << Consider making this more active. For example: Tak flung himself behind a rusted-out pile of scrap metal and shot at the gangbangers. shouted back, “That’s what I was told! Maybe that gun came from the merch they stole? The guy << Does “the guy” have a name? If so, use it here. If not, I’d use something a bit stronger like “the bastard.” that hired me wouldn’t tell me what they took, only that it was worth 1500 credits EACH << All caps is usually discouraged and may appear unprofessional. if we could recover it!”

Buggin, in the middle of the room after his last roll and wishing he hadn’t drank so much <<This sentence construction is weakening what you’re trying to say. It’s always better to show something happening in the moment rather than explaining that it happened in the past. For example, this could be rewritten as: Buggin rolled into the middle of the room, his head swirling. If only he hadn’t drank so much. , scanned the room as he stumbled to his feet. He started a count as he ran for the nearest cover, a pillar twenty feet away.

One. A plan began to coalesce in his liquored-up brain. He looked over his shoulder, trying and tried << This reads as more active. to place himself between the pillar and the bastard.

One and a half. The pillar is in front of him, the bastard behind.<< You’ve switched to present tense.

Two. Trusting to his count, he dived forward and slightly-left << “slightly-left” should not be hyphenated. just as another blue plasma beam cut the air, punching a foot-wide hole in the pillar as he painfully belly-flopped onto some more loose concrete scattered around it. << This is another sentence that’s working too hard. You’ve got too much going on: he trusts his count, he dives forward, another plasma beam cuts the air, the beam punches a hole, he painfully belly flops, he lands on loose concrete. Whew! That’s an awful lot to pack into one sentence. Break it up.

Buggin groaned, as he climbed to his feet, and ducked behind the pillar. Once in cover he took a half second to collect himself and observe the situation. <<This is telling (rather than showing). You can easily show that he’s collecting himself and observing the situation. He and Tak were caught between the bastard <<Who is “the bastard”? and the two bangers. One banger used suppressing fire << I don’t know what “suppressing fire” means so I can’t visualize this. to keep Tak pinned as the other moved from cover to get into a better flanking position. If he didn’t do something now Tak was good as dead.

The Writeditor’s Feedback

My Overall Thoughts

I can tell that Charles knows enough about his craft to not make beginner mistakes, and I felt like I was in the hands of a competent storyteller. The dialogue and voice both sounded natural. My biggest complaint is clarity, which was something that hung me up quite a few times.

The novel starts with a fairly humorous sentence about the main character being more worried about his oven being on than about the fight at hand. This is a great hook, but make sure it is true to the rest of the story. There were no other humorous moments or significant displays of the main character’s personality in the rest of the opening, which leads me to wonder if this is a hook that isn’t backed up by the rest of the novel.

Key Places to Improve

Watch out for sentences constructed like this: something happened as something else happened. This sentence construction was used nine times. That’s about 50% of non-dialogue sentences. The problem with this construction is that it makes the action feel less active, which makes it less engaging.

Where is this scene taking place? They’re in a room and there are pillars, but there is also a rusted-out old car. I can’t visualize the space, which distances me from the story.

Use short, choppy sentences to create tension and excitement. Watch out for sentences that are doing double, triple, or quadruple duty. These sentences are explaining so many concepts at once that each concept doesn’t have time to gel in the reader’s brain. In other words, it can both reduce tension and lower the reader’s comprehension.

Overall, I think you could be a bit richer with the details. Are they wearing street clothes or space suits? Are they in a warehouse? An indoor junkyard? What makes the various weapons different? What does the enemy look like? Are they fifteen or eighty-five? I’m intrigued by what’s happening, but I don’t really know what’s happening.

Where does the voice/humor go after the first paragraph? I missed it because it was a big part of what drew me into the story. The first few sentences of a novel set the tone for the whole book and make a promise to the reader about what’s to come. Writers always need to make sure that they’re living up to this promise.

The Writeditor’s Grade: 3.5

I’m giving this a 3.5 because I’m intrigued, but I’m not jumping out of my seat with enthusiasm. While I would definitely read on, if what’s happening isn’t made clear in the next couple hundred words, you’d probably lose me. Improving the voice after the first paragraph would bump this up to a 4.

My Grading Scale:

1 – Wouldn’t have read past the first page if I wasn’t editing. Back to the drawing board.

2 – Read the whole thing, but couldn’t look past problems with the writing to enjoy the story.

3 – Read the whole thing, was entertained at times, but I probably wouldn’t read on.

4 – Read the whole thing and liked it. Wasn’t really “wowed” but I would read on.

5 – Read the whole thing and loved it. I’m excited to read the rest of the book!

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall writing ability.

Reader Participation

What Do You Think?

Grades are subjective. The more people grading his work, the better grasp the writer will have on how much he needs to improve. Please help Charles by providing your own grade.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are welcome in the comments section below. Explaining your grade gives Charles even more insight.

Submit to First Page Friday

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence) pasted into the body of the email.
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

About the Editor

Help First Page Friday be a Success! Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday: Get a FREE Edit and Critique of Your Novel’s First Page!

September 20, 2013October 9, 2013Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking for a while about how to give better advice on my blog as well as how to offer some free editing to my blog and Twitter followers.

While mulling this over, I realized that I could combine both goals and create an educational series that will allow my readers to see my editing advice in action while at the same time giving back to the awesome writing community with some free edits!

Thus, “First Page Friday” was born!

Once I gather up enough submissions, I will post an edit and critique of the first 500 words of a novel every week, focusing on the following elements:

Where I would stop reading as an agent, editor, or reader.
Whether or not it’s the best place to start the story.
Whether or not the story is hooking me.
Any major or minor writing issues.
How it could be improved.

Submission Details

If you’d like to submit your novel for First Page Friday, please send the following to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com:

The name you want me to use in the blog post (real name, alias, or anonymous).
The genre of your novel.
The first 500 words (give or take, don’t stop in the middle of a sentence).
Any links (Twitter, Blog, Goodreads, etc.) that you’d like included in the post (not required).

Please do not submit if you are not okay with your first page being posted, critiqued, and edited on my website.

Please share this post and spread the word to other writers. Let’s make First Page Friday a success!

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her editing services and testimonials.