Month: May 2014

First Page Friday #35: Fantasy

18 Comments

About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

Fantasy – Anna Chidiac

It was my first time on the surface.

It was the first time any of my people had been on the surface in hundreds of years.

The only thing I knew about it was from stories. I knew about the sun, which provided light to us too, although we could not see it. I knew about large trees and animals. I knew about the people who lived up here. Or at least, I knew what they were like hundreds of years ago. I guessed things had changed a lot since then. I wondered if they still had farms and books.

 

I left my ship in the water, hidden in a deep cave, and climbed onto a shoreline of jagged rocks.

It was early morning and the day was already brighter than it ever was at home. The sun blazed with a white hot light that almost burned my skin.

 

I saw no sign of people on the rocks, they were desolate and bare. But there was a white beach to my left with signs of life. I ran along the uneven terrain, negotiating it with ease, and jumped down onto the sand.

Here there were people; people that looked very different from mine. Their skin was darker; it ranged from pink to dark brown. Younger ones played on the beach while older ones lied around in the sun, some of them carrying unnecessary extra weight. They seemed carefree to the point of lethargy.

As I got closer to them, they sat up, and vigilantly followed me with their eyes, or as vigilantly as they seemed capable of. I tried to look non-threatening, but I remained alert. I would not let my guard down simply because these people seemed harmless. There was a strong sense of wariness amongst them that could easily turn into hostility.

It was a small beach, but beautiful. I had not ever seen such white sand. It was a stark contrast to the water, which looked like a raging mass of liquid black. The water in my world was perfectly still, this water crashed into the shore in waves. The entire beach was surrounded by a thick green forest.

 

As I walked, more and more people stopped what they were dong to look at me. It was not long before every one of them was staring in fearful curiosity. I slipped into the woods. I knew I would have to establish trust with these people, if I was going to get what I wanted. But the gaze of the ones in front of me made me uneasy. I would find someone else to speak with. There were paths in the forest, and not far in, I came a across a hard flat surface full of shining metallic structures of all different colors. Each one had four wheels.

“Intriguing” I said, walking up to study a deep blue one. “It is like a carriage with no horse”

“Hey!” a man shouted.

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

 

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Fantasy – Anna Chidiac

It was my first time on the surface. < I am immediately thinking “mermaid,” and because mermaids have been done quite a bit in fiction, I am also immediately wondering what will make this particular story stand out.

It was the first time any of my people had been on the surface in hundreds of years.

The only thing I knew about it was from stories. I knew about the sun, which provided light to us too, although we could not see it. I knew about large trees and animals. I knew about the people who lived up here. Or at least, I knew what they were like hundreds of years ago. I guessed things had changed a lot since then. < I would prefer to see her come to this conclusion based on an observation.  I wondered if they still had farms and books.

 

I left my ship in the water, hidden in a deep cave, and climbed onto a shoreline of jagged rocks.

It was early morning and the day was already brighter than it ever was at home. The sun blazed with a white hot light that almost burned my skin. < Since the sun can burn the skin of surface-dwelling humans, the sun being “almost” hot enough to burn her skin doesn’t seem very severe. I want more suspense, higher stakes.

 

I saw no sign of people on the rocks, they were desolate and bare. But there was a white beach to my left with signs of life. I ran along the uneven terrain, negotiating it with ease, and jumped down onto the sand. < If she’s never met humans before, wouldn’t she be scared? If she’s not scared, what is she feeling? I want to be emotionally close to her.

Here there were people; people that looked very different from mine. Their skin was darker; it ranged from pink to dark brown. Younger ones played on the beach while older ones lied around in the sun, some of them carrying unnecessary extra weight. They seemed carefree to the point of lethargy. < I want to be able to visualize this clearly, but I’m not sure how close she is to the people. Is she standing among them? Is she a few yards away? Can the people see her?

As I got closer to them, they sat up, and vigilantly followed me with their eyes, or as vigilantly as they seemed capable of. I tried to look non-threatening, < Could you show this? How does she change her posture or behavior to seem less threatening? but I remained alert. I would not let my guard down simply because these people seemed harmless. There was a strong sense of wariness amongst them that could easily turn into hostility. < Add some expression of her emotion. Is her heart pounding? Is she shaking? Does she hate the feeling of all those eyes on her body?

It was a small beach, but beautiful. < You’re breaking what little tension you’ve created. Now things seem pleasant and peaceful. I had not ever seen such white sand. It was a stark contrast to the water, which looked like a raging mass of liquid black. The water in my world was perfectly still, this water crashed into the shore in waves. The entire beach was surrounded by a thick green forest.

 

As I walked, more and more people stopped what they were dong to look at me. It was not long before every one of them was staring in fearful curiosity. I slipped into the woods. < This is vague. How far did she have to go to get to the woods? Did she run? Did she get scratched on tree branches? Did she stumble and fall? Is she embarrassed or scared or curious? I knew I would have to establish trust with these people, if I was going to get what I wanted. But the gaze of the ones in front of me made me uneasy. < Show that the gazes made her uneasy at the time that she was standing in front of them. Also, if they make her uneasy, why did she go near them in the first place?  I would find someone else to speak with. < If she was trying to speak with someone, then show her making an attempt at conversation or getting too scared to try. Otherwise, her motivation is not clear, which creates a barrier between her and the reader. Even a subtle indication of her motivation (For example: “I had to do this.”) would help tremendously in the early part of this opening. There were paths in the forest, and not far in, I came a across a hard flat surface full of shining metallic structures of all different colors. Each one had four wheels.

“Intriguing” I said, walking up to study a deep blue one. “It is like a carriage with no horse” < How would she know what a carriage is?

“Hey!” a man shouted.

 

My Overall Thoughts

The writing is too sparse to draw the reader in. Whether this is a mermaid book or she’s some sort of underground dweller, this should be – at least in part – a “fish out of water” story. I want to see her getting burned by the sun. I want her to shake with fear at approaching the humans. I want her to wobble on unsteady legs. I want to see how horribly different it is to be on the surface.

Key Places to Improve:

  • The main character feels completely blank. There is no hint of personality and only the tiniest indications of emotion. Readers want to connect to your character, but that can’t happen if you don’t give them any points of connection. Show emotions through body language, gestures, behavior, thoughts, etc.
  • Paint a more evocative picture for the reader. I want to feel the sand under my feet, smell the hotdog stand, hear the children laughing. Rather than making generalized descriptions of the people and setting, pick out individual elements that represent the whole. For example: “A child jumped in front of me, his skin shiny and pink, his blond curls waving in the light breeze.”

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

I couldn’t emotionally connect with the story nor create strong enough visuals in my mind to get sucked in.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

  • The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
  • The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
  • Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

087

Help First Page Friday Succeed!  Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #34: Historical Fiction

14 Comments

About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

Historical Fiction – Pam Portland

Jack and Clementine occupied plastic, folding chairs under the portable tarp that covered the simple grave site attempting to ignore the sideways gusts of rain the wind blew, which added wet misery directed towards them.  Master Sergeant David York’s death, while not unexpected, left the two teenagers huddling against the rain and against the exasperating task of tackling adulthood immediately.  Admittedly, Clementine had the advantage of years over Jack and having a far better recollection of the process of burying a parent, yet the assistance from the military family support network primarily covered the procedures, rather than the emotions of the day’s experience.  While thankful for their presence and assistance during his final days, which she felt assured would end with this service, her appreciation measured insignificantly against her fear and uncertainty of the life now ahead of her and her brother.

In roughly a few months, she expected, about the time the paperwork and probate hit full swing, she would already have turned eighteen and be able to control legally the responsibilities she had managed for years.  Ever since her father had first been hospitalized following what had been anticipated as a brief outpatient procedure to remove a small mass, she kept the household running while her father continued his military responsibilities and the daunting task of managing and regulating his health.  Procedures, paperwork, therapies, treatments, medicines, and maladies filled their lives and now twenty-two months later, Clementine would be flying solo in her business obligations and her brother’s care.

Jack, however, still had four months until he could receive his driver’s permit, three more years of high school studies, and a lifetime with no one to serve as a mentor to him.  Clementine, despite her involvement otherwise, tried always to be just a big sister to him.  From packing lunches to paying for school field trips from her father’s account, she took care of the matriarchal duties, but not with the effort of a parent, but rather out of sibling affection.  She inherited and honed the role over a decade when their mother’s misdiagnosed symptoms left her lying alone at home after collapsing from a coronary illness.  When the school bus brought brother and sister home from pre-K and second grade respectively, Clementine accepted her first adult responsibility by calling her father and then the emergency responders.  She grew up quickly after that, not that the world noticed.

After her death, the remnants of the York family managed through their last relocation back to their parents’ original hometown, despite the fact that their father had no blood ties in the area.  Their parents had met here while her mother attended college and her father was beginning his military career.  While participating in an informational career fair in the student union, David saw Carrie, who had hoped to find an internship at the end of her freshman year.

 

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Historical Fiction – Pam Portland

Jack and Clementine occupied plastic, folding chairs under the portable tarp that covered the simple grave site attempting to ignore the sideways gusts of rain the wind blew, which added wet misery directed towards them. < There is adjective overload in this sentence. It’s also quite a long sentence for readers to start with. Opening with shorter sentences can help the reader slowly digest what’s going on. Introducing too much in a single sentence (the characters, setting, weather, and mood) can be overwhelming.  Master Sergeant David York’s death, while not unexpected, left the two teenagers huddling against the rain and against the exasperating task of tackling adulthood immediately.  < “Exasperating” makes me think of a teenager huffing and puffing over something insignificant. It doesn’t seem like a serious enough word here. Admittedly, Clementine had the advantage of years over Jack and having as well as a far better recollection of the process of burying a parent, The second half of this sentence doesn’t quite connect to the first well enough for me to feel that “yet” works here. > yet the assistance from the military family support network primarily covered the procedures, rather than the emotions of the day’s experience.  While thankful for their presence and assistance during his final days, which she felt assured would end with this service, her appreciation measured insignificantly against her fear and uncertainty of the life now ahead of her and her brother. < You’re doing a lot of telling. Could you show how she feels based on her expressions, movement, behavior, etc.? She could grab her brother and hold him tight. She could bite her lip. She could struggle to look at the grave. There are lots and lots of ways to portray emotion here without just stating (telling) it.

In roughly a few months, she expected, about the time the paperwork and probate hit full swing, she would already have turned eighteen and be able to control legally the responsibilities she had managed for years.  Ever since her father had first been hospitalized following what had been anticipated as a brief outpatient procedure to remove a small mass, she kept the household running while her father continued his military responsibilities and the daunting task of managing and regulating his health.  Procedures, paperwork, therapies, treatments, medicines, and maladies filled their lives and now twenty-two months later, Clementine would be flying solo in her business obligations and her brother’s care. < You’re dumping info on the reader. I want to experience what Clementine is experiencing right now. I don’t want to be told about what’s going to happen and what’s already happened unless it’s tucked into a scene about what’s currently happening.

Jack, however, still had four months until he could receive his driver’s permit, three more years of high school studies, and a lifetime with no one to serve as a mentor to him.  Clementine, despite her involvement otherwise, tried always to be just a big sister to him.  From packing lunches to paying for school field trips from her father’s account, she took care of the matriarchal duties, but not with the effort of a parent, but rather out of sibling affection.  She inherited and honed the role over a decade when their mother’s misdiagnosed symptoms left her lying alone at home after collapsing from a coronary illness.  When the school bus brought brother and sister home from pre-K and second grade respectively, Clementine accepted her first adult responsibility by calling her father and then the emergency responders.  She grew up quickly after that, not that the world noticed. < The reason info dumps like this don’t work is that everyone has some tragic or traumatic back story from their lives. Tragedy itself isn’t significant, shocking, or captivating. It’s the characters that make us care about a novel’s tragedy, but that can’t happen before we know anything about the characters and before you – the auth0r – endear the character to us.

After her death, the remnants of the York family managed through their last relocation back to their parents’ original hometown, despite the fact that their father had no blood ties in the area.  Their parents had met here while her mother attended college and her father was beginning his military career.  While participating in an informational career fair in the student union, David saw Carrie, who had hoped to find an internship at the end of her freshman year. < Readers don’t need a history of the entire family, especially before we know anything about the characters and especially when the back story is not vital in understanding the scene.

 

My Overall Thoughts

There’s not much going on in this opening. After the first two lines, nothing is shown because nothing happens in the moment. There are lots and lots of books out there about orphaned teenagers. You’re not demonstrating what’s unique about this one.

Key Places to Improve:

  • Cut way down on the telling and info dumps. You can’t suck a reader into a story with information about the past. Readers get sucked into stories when they care about the characters, which means you have to show the characters doing, saying, thinking, or feeling something worth caring about.
  • More things should be happening “in the moment” of the scene than in the past. Check out this article about how much back story is too much. Work on hooking the reader into the story by showing what’s happening as Clementine and Jack attend the funeral. There is so much potential for strong emotion here and for showing their personality traits.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

The writing didn’t stand out as good or bad on a technical level. I didn’t find myself getting sucked into the story due to the info dumps and telling.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

  • The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
  • The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
  • Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

087

Help First Page Friday Succeed!  Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #33: Contemporary Women’s Fiction

12 Comments

About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

Contemporary Women’s Fiction – Kaylee Nicole Ward

Nothing prepares a human being for loss: that’s what I tell people. Time heals wounds, they would respond. Not scars, however, rarely scars. I’m covered in them. They stripe across my thighs and the inside of my elbows, they leave light dents in the nook of collarbone. They make a shiny home under my jawline. They tell horrid stories that would only normally be heard from convicted criminals. I’ve been trying to see past my own reflection, the little black girl made of barely skin and bone and dark sunken eyes, but that’s always easier said than done. My social worker, Ms. Patty, was trying to make me feel better about my first foster home. She was chattering away about my new parents. As usual, I wasn’t listening. I was watching out the window. The world seemed bigger than it had in years. I felt small.
“Ms. Patty,” I finally spoke up from the backseat of the car.
Ms. Patty looked in the rear view mirror, eyes wide. It still always seems to surprise her when I say anything at all. I’m not entirely sure why. However, I think it has something to do with the fact that everyone thinks I’m broken or something. “Yes, dear?”
“Please stop talking.” Once it came out it felt too harsh. Though, it got the point across.
Ms. Patty’s eyes saddened, but she nodded. I contemplated apologizing, but decided against it. I knew she would instantly feel better and begin rambling again.
The sky is dark today, grey clouds hovering low. I couldn’t see the setting sun on the horizon and all the colors it would paint along the edge of sky. I wish I could. I lost my sense of time inside the rehab center. I bit down my nails and let every withdrawal symptom known to man hit me like a train. Ms. Patty was still watching me, but I was too focused the sky.
“The sky is dark today,” I finally said out loud. I wanted the statement to mean that I was upset by this, but I don’t think I executed it properly.
Ms. Patty smiled at me through the mirror. “It is. I suspect rain this evening.”
I nodded. I didn’t want to rain on my first day out. I didn’t want the world to be dark and gloomy. I thought I would hear the birds sing, smell the sunshine and feel the heat beating down on my skin. I bit at my nails and watched the clouds roll around along the darkening skyline. The car smelled of lemons and was fabricated with leather. I don’t know anything about cars, but I guessed it was on the older side of the spectrum. It made a funny rattling sound as it rode and the windows didn’t go down all the way.
“Will they like me?” I asked.
Ms. Patty rose an eyebrow. “Who?” 
“The foster family,” I said.

 

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Contemporary Women’s Fiction – Kaylee Nicole Ward

Nothing prepares a human being for loss: that’s what I tell people. “Time heals wounds,“ they would respond. < Quotation marks or italics would indicate to the reader that “Time heals wounds” is not simply narration. “Would” does not agree with the previous sentence. Think about it like this: “When I tell people, they would respond.” That sentence is incorrect. Not scars, however, rarely scars. I’m covered in them. They stripe across my thighs and the inside of my elbows, they leave light dents in the nook of my collarbone. < With the underlined section, I have a hard time understanding what sort of scar this would be. They make a shiny home under my jawline. < Are we still talking about scars or do you mean bruises? Usually scars aren’t “shiny.”  They tell horrid stories that would only normally be heard from convicted criminals. < Do you mean that she got the scars by committing some kind of crime? My first thought is that maybe she murdered someone and got away with it (but maybe I have a dark mind)? I’ve been trying to see past my own reflection, the little black girl made of barely skin and bone and dark sunken eyes, but that’s always easier said than done. My social worker, Ms. Patty, was trying to make me feel better about my first foster home. < I didn’t expect this to be a girl young enough to be in foster care. Now I’m thinking that she was abused rather than that she committed a crime, but that makes the line about criminals a bit confusing to me – what does she mean? I’m also wondering how old she is. She was chattering away about my new parents. < I wouldn’t expect a foster child to refer to foster parents as “new parents” since foster care is generally temporary. As usual, I wasn’t listening. I was watching out the window. The world seemed bigger than it had in years. I felt small.
“Ms. Patty,” I finally spoke up from the backseat of the car.
Ms. Patty looked in the rear view mirror, eyes wide. It still always seems to surprise her when I say anything at all. I’m not entirely sure why. < Is this story being narrated while Ms. Patty is still her social worker? If not, present tense doesn’t make sense here. However, I think it has something to do with the fact that everyone thinks I’m broken or something. “Yes, dear?”
“Please stop talking.” Once it came out it felt too harsh. Though, it got the point across.
Ms. Patty’s eyes saddened, but she nodded. I contemplated apologizing, but decided against it. I knew she would instantly feel better and begin rambling again.
The sky is dark today, grey clouds hovering low. < This seems to be flipping back and forth between past and present tense randomly. This is present tense, but the next line is past tense. I couldn’t see the setting sun on the horizon and all the colors it would paint along the edge of sky. I wish I could. I lost my sense of time inside the rehab center. I bit down my nails and let every withdrawal symptom known to man hit me like a train. < I’m not an expert on rehab centers, but I believe she would not still be having withdrawal symptoms if she was released. Ms. Patty was still watching me, but I was too focused on the sky. < Isn’t Ms. Patty driving the car? It doesn’t seem like she could’ve watched her for this long without wrecking.
“The sky is dark today,” I finally said out loud. I wanted the statement to mean that I was upset by this, but I don’t think I executed it properly.
Ms. Patty smiled at me through the mirror. “It is. I suspect rain this evening.”
I nodded. I didn’t want it to rain on my first day out. I didn’t want the world to be dark and gloomy. I thought I would hear the birds sing, smell the sunshine and feel the heat beating down on my skin. I bit at my nails < She already bit her nails in the previous paragraph. This feels like the same description placed too close to the first one. and watched the clouds roll around along the darkening skyline. The car smelled of lemons and was fabricated with leather. I don’t know anything about cars, but I guessed it was on the older side of the spectrum. It made a funny rattling sound as it rode and the windows didn’t go down all the way. < The wording here makes me wonder if she is younger than I originally thought.
“Will they like me?” I asked.
Ms. Patty rose an eyebrow. “Who?” 
“The foster family,” I said.

 

My Overall Thoughts

I see potential in this for a great voice, a really captivating character, but I don’t think it’s there yet. I spent too much time waffling about who she was (her age, initially) and what was going on (abuse? drugs? crime?). Sometimes things come across in ways writers don’t intend and perhaps that is the case here. It may be clear in your mind, but not on the page.

Key Places to Improve:

  • The voice, behavior, and descriptions would be stronger if they worked together to tell us something about her personality. She opens with describing her scars, which indicates to me that she is wounded and that she feels it defines her enough for it to be her first description of herself. Yet later, she says “everyone thinks I’m broken or something” like she does not believe it’s true. So these two elements seem to be working against each other in establishing a clear picture of her personality. Does she or does she not see herself as wounded? Why does she struggle to see past her wounded appearance only to turn around and seem to not understand why others would view her as broken?
  • You have the opportunity to describe the scars in a way that really hints towards something (perhaps that’s what you’re trying to do?), but I found myself confused about the connection she draws between the scars and criminals. The location of the scars on her thighs and arms suggests self harm, but the jawline and collarbone scars seem more like physical abuse. Yet later when drug use is mentioned, I began to think that perhaps her scars are track marks? I would either keep this deliberately vague (simply mentioning that she has scars) or I would choose locations and descriptions that clearly indicate their source.
  • Watch your tenses. They jump around a lot, which will be a red flag to agents and editors.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2.5

I’m intrigued enough to want to read on, but I would prefer to have a much stronger understanding of her age and the source of her scars. The tense issues will likely turn off agents and publishers.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

  • The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
  • The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
  • Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

087

Help First Page Friday Succeed!  Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #32: Crime Fiction

19 Comments

About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

Crime Fiction – David Coldrick

The three Bushmaster armoured cars raced along the road from Tarinkot to Kandahar with their cargos of ten Australian soldiers each. Hemi Parata and James McDonald sat opposite each other in the third car, both lost in thought. They were to be returned to Australia the following week, and unspoken between them was the concern that some damned incident would occur that might interfere with that. The mission for this joyride was supposed to be a cakewalk – guard duty for a village while a visiting Afghan politician glad-handed the punters – but you never knew. The funeral for one of their own, shot by a rogue Afghani trainee, had been just the week before.

They had met in boot camp, and quickly became good friends, going out drinking and chasing girls together. They were both tall – Hemi at 6’6”, James 6’3” – and good-looking, and were quite successful with women. The uniform also helped. Both were amused by the fact that Hemi was the Maori equivalent of James, and that seemed to provide an additional bond between them. They enjoyed the martial arts classes available to ADF members and excelled at the Korean techniques of Hapkido, which Hemi described as “better ways to hit people”.

Hemi was born in Hamilton on the North Island of New Zealand. He was educated at home by his parents for primary school, then went to Te Awamutu College, about 30 km to the south. The multi-cultural secondary school gave him an interest in the larger world around him. Despite his excellent academic performance through Year 13, he jumped off the treadmill to work in a local garage for a couple of years. He emigrated to Australia, and took Australian citizenship soon after, followed by induction into the Australian Defence Force.

James was born and raised in Sydney to parents who had become wealthy in the local booming real estate market. Attendance – more or less – at excellent private schools failed to make an academic of him. He dropped out, and to the despair of his parents, seemed destined to become a surf bum, a vocation he vigorously pursued on Sydney’s many great beaches. During one of the parties that accompanied his chosen lifestyle, he decided that the ADF was where he wanted to be. Despair no longer described his parents reaction, incredulity was more like it.

Currrump! The front end of the Bushmaster lifted crazily on a tilt before crashing back to the ground. Curses and cries of pain followed. Joe Stone, the soldier manning CROWS was unconscious or dead with a bloody gash in his forehead. Hemi pulled him aside and took his place at the weapon station. He panned the external camera through 360 degrees, looking for a target for the .50-cal machine gun. Nothing. Just a single IED then? The answer came with bursts of small-arms fire from both sides of the road, and Hemi suddenly had more than enough targets. The other two Bushmasters also opened up, and the hostiles went quiet.

 

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Crime Fiction – David Coldrick

The three Bushmaster armoured cars raced along the road from Tarinkot to Kandahar with their cargos of ten Australian soldiers each. Hemi Parata and James McDonald sat opposite each other in the third car, both lost in thought. < Stating that characters are thinking is rarely worthwhile. It’s better to imply or explain what they’re thinking (as in the following sentence). They were to be returned to Australia the following week, and unspoken between them was the concern that some damned incident would occur that might interfere with that. The mission for this joyride was supposed to be a cakewalk < This is the fourth unpublished novel I’ve read in maybe 2-3 months that opened with a mission in Afghanistan or someone reminiscing about a mission in Afghanistan.  So this may not be the best or most unique way to open your novel.  – guard duty for a village while a visiting Afghan politician glad-handed the punters – but you never knew. The funeral for one of their own, shot by a rogue Afghani trainee, had been just the week before.

They had met in boot camp, and quickly became good friends, going out drinking and chasing girls together. They were both tall – Hemi at 6’6”, James 6’3” – and good-looking, and were quite successful with women. < This is a crime/thriller/military cliche – the tall, attractive, lucky with the ladies protagonist. Remember that realism is more important to readers than any positive physical or personality trait. The uniform also helped. Both were amused by the fact that Hemi was the Maori equivalent of James, and that seemed to provide an additional bond between them. They enjoyed the martial arts classes available to ADF members and excelled at the Korean techniques of Hapkido, which Hemi described as “better ways to hit people”. < This paragraph is an info dump. Nothing is happening in the moment.

Hemi was born in Hamilton on the North Island of New Zealand. He was educated at home by his parents for primary school, then went to Te Awamutu College, about 30 km to the south. The multi-cultural secondary school gave him an interest in the larger world around him. Despite his excellent academic performance through Year 13, he jumped off the treadmill to work in a local garage for a couple of years. He emigrated to Australia, and took Australian citizenship soon after, followed by induction into the Australian Defence Force. < This paragraph is an info dump. I know it can be tempting to give the reader all the background about your characters in a big lump, but it fails to hold the reader’s interest. These characters are vivid and real to you, but to the reader, paragraphs like this are like reading the Facebook profile of someone they don’t know. You haven’t given readers any reason to care about this person so the details of his life are meaningless.

James was born and raised in Sydney to parents who had become wealthy in the local booming real estate market. Attendance – more or less – at excellent private schools failed to make an academic of him. He dropped out, and to the despair of his parents, seemed destined to become a surf bum, a vocation he vigorously pursued on Sydney’s many great beaches. During one of the parties that accompanied his chosen lifestyle, he decided that the ADF was where he wanted to be. Despair no longer described his parents reaction, incredulity was more like it. < This paragraph is another info dump.

Currrump! The front end of the Bushmaster lifted crazily on a tilt before crashing back to the ground. < “Lifted” makes me think it’s physically being raised by something rather than being flung up by an IED.  Curses and cries of pain followed. < This is very distant from your main characters. I’d rather know what they experienced specifically (getting flung to the side, hurting themselves, screaming, etc.) rather than general cursing and cries of pain. Joe Stone, the soldier manning CROWS was unconscious or dead with a bloody gash in his forehead. Hemi pulled him aside and took his place at the weapon station. He panned the external camera through 360 degrees, looking for a target for the .50-cal machine gun. Nothing. Just a single IED then? The answer came with bursts of small-arms fire from both sides of the road, and Hemi suddenly had more than enough targets. The other two Bushmasters also opened up, and the hostiles went quiet.

 

My Overall Thoughts

Part of the reason I chose this opening for First Page Friday is to talk about current cliches and trends in crime fiction and thrillers. It can be difficult to think about our work in terms of marketability (obviously we love what we’re writing!), but sometimes it’s important to consider whether there is enough uniqueness to stand out to agents, editors, or readers.

Across crime fiction and thrillers, this is the fourth opening (out of the 5-6 crime fiction and thrillers I’ve looked at in the last 2-3 months) that has opened with a tall, handsome, lady killer who is or was in Afghanistan. One of those other three novels opened with nearly an identical first chapter (armored vehicle getting hit with an IED during a cakewalk of a mission right before the soldier was supposed to go home).

What does that mean to you? To maximize your odds of getting noticed, you have two options: Blow the competition out of the water with absolutely stellar writing (see key places to improve), or start your novel at a different point, emphasizing what makes it unique.

Key Places to Improve:

  • Info dumping on the first page is never a good idea. The first page is all about pulling the reader into the action (doesn’t have to be literal action, just something going on) and endearing the character to the readers. Info dumps don’t do either of those things. You can learn more about how not to use info dumps in this article.
  • In order to relate to characters, we need to “see” things about them that make us like them. You can use actions (doing something good or proactive) or goals (something they want). You explain that they want to go home, but why? Do they want to see their baby’s face for the first time? The wife they’ve left? Or are they just bored of the military?
  • This is probably my most frequent advice on First Page Friday, but spend time figuring out your hook. What makes this book different? Is it the characters? Is it some element of the plot? What makes this story more valuable to agents, editors, and readers than all the other books with similar subject matter?

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

The info dumps make it very difficult to get invested in the story, and the lack of unique elements in the opening doesn’t provide enough to hook readers and reel them in.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

  • The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
  • The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
  • Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

087

Help First Page Friday Succeed!  Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!

First Page Friday #31: Science Fiction

10 Comments

About First Page Friday

First Page Friday is a blog series where I provide a free edit and critique of the first 500 words of an unpublished novel. Read the excerpt without my notes first and leave your vote in the poll. Afterward, feel free to leave a comment for the author. Feedback is always helpful!

Science Fiction – L. Matthew Foster

Once, the rising stars symbolized hope and adventure. Today in Perth, Earth’s defense city, children clenched their eyes while resting in their beds and feared any glance at the stars before sunrise.  From the corner-office conference room, I stared at the star-illuminated waves, crashing against the shoreline. “Ministry of Defense Forces, the Honorable Gilbert Zahn,” a young lieutenant announced. I spun to attention in the leather chair. The leaders, gathered at this strange hour, rose to attention. As customary, the civilians remained seated, but everyone wanted Zahn’s attention. I inched to the chair’s edge and anticipated his entrance. Recalling my first day on the station, indoctrination briefed this tradition as a sign of respect to the civilian’s authority. They were full of shit.

Zahn’s espresso leather loafers squeaked on the concrete floor. He motioned his hand downward for the group to relax. The beaded armrest caught his jacket and disclosed his suit’s silk lining with floral patterns. The sheen from his bespoke sleeves faded when the windows tinted from the tranquil views to white-noise static. The latest pop-diva’s music hummed in the room. These arcane security measures sparked memories of my mentor’s favorite coffee lecture, Security by Obscurity. Tom had ridiculed these procedures. “Do our security teams think music will stop an advanced enemy from listening?” 

My aura sank deeper into the government issued chair and I rubbed the razor scar below my chin line. Tom remained in critical condition after the pressurization accident back on the station. A week ago after grav-ball, I had hit the showers and Tom stayed to stretch. I was in full lather when the alarms burst over the station’s intercom. Half dressed, I slipped into the passageway and found the commotion. The medical techs rushed Tom to the infirmary with a mobile lung respirator hung over his oxygen-deprived body. Now sitting in his chair with a banner streaming his name: Dr. Tom Waldon. I regretted my joke. “Old man, the stretches will kill you before the gravity does.” 

“Good evening,” Zahn said.

 The leaders robotically mumbled back the pleasantry. He headed the oblong table and peered over to Director Lawrence, the head of the Office of Future Warfare (FU-WAR for short). With a cheap grin, Director Lawrence snapped from her chair.

 Director Lawrence gripped the podium and peered down at the group, standing two meters tall. “Today marks the forty-third anniversary of the attack on Hong Kong. On that day, we lost seven million lives and society learned a new enemy lives in our backyard. The enemy has waited and grown their foothold in our solar system.” 

Her lace macramé ankle boots clicked as she paced along the front wall. “Recognizing this historic inflection point, Earth’s strategy to defend against the unknown alien insurgence shifted from protracted land wars with each other to a unified whole-of-world. We were once a society of many, and today we build solidarity.”  She focused on each leader one-at-a-time.

 

Reader Participation – What Do You Think?

Before reading my take on this novel opening, please take a moment to record your thoughts in the poll below.

Your thoughtful critiques and suggestions for the writer are also welcome in the comments section. Explaining your vote gives the author even more insight into where they’re hitting the mark and where they can improve.

My Feedback

 Critique Key

Original Text is in italics. (Author is already using italics, so my comments are going to be underlined this week)

Red is text I recommend removing.

Green is text I recommend adding.

Blue is my comments.

Orange is highlighting.

Science Fiction – L. Matthew Foster

Once, the rising stars symbolized hope and adventure. Today in Perth, Earth’s defense city, children clenched their eyes while resting in their beds and feared any glance at the stars before sunrise. < Wouldn’t the stars be gone after sunrise? The wording implies that they can look at the stars after sunrise.  From the corner-office conference room, I stared at the star-illuminated waves, crashing against the shoreline. “Ministry of Defense Forces, the Honorable Gilbert Zahn,” a young lieutenant announced. I spun to attention in the leather chair. The leaders, gathered at this strange hour, rose to attention. < Watch out for using the same phrase so close together. As customary, the civilians remained seated, < I assumed that there were no civilians present based on the previous line. but everyone wanted Zahn’s attention. < Who is everyone? I got the impression this was a small meeting room. How many civilians are present? I inched to the chair’s edge and anticipated his entrance. Recalling my first day on the station, indoctrination briefed this tradition as a sign of respect to the civilian’s authority. They were full of shit.

Zahn’s espresso leather loafers squeaked on the concrete floor. He motioned his hand downward for the group to relax. The beaded armrest < I really can’t imagine what this room is like. I assume only his chair has a beaded armrest? What’s the style of the room as a whole? caught his jacket and disclosed his suit’s silk lining with floral patterns. The sheen from his bespoke sleeves faded when the windows tinted from the tranquil views to white-noise static. < I had to read this line twice to understand what you meant, but that could just be me. The latest pop-diva’s music hummed in the room. These arcane security measures sparked memories of my mentor’s favorite coffee lecture, Security by Obscurity. Tom had ridiculed these procedures. “Do our security teams think music will stop an advanced enemy from listening?” 

My aura sank deeper into the government issued chair and I rubbed the razor scar below my chin line. Tom remained in critical condition after the pressurization accident back on the station. A week ago after grav-ball, I had hit the showers and Tom stayed to stretch. I was in full lather when the alarms burst over the station’s intercom. Half dressed, I slipped into the passageway and found the commotion. The medical techs rushed Tom to the infirmary with a mobile lung respirator hung over his oxygen-deprived body. < Personally, I feel like I don’t know enough about the narrator to be ready for back story. Now sitting in his chair with a banner streaming his name: Dr. Tom Waldon. I regretted my joke. “Old man, the stretches will kill you before the gravity does.” < It’s not clear to me when he made this joke – before, after, or during Tom being transported to the infirmary?

“Good evening,” Zahn said.

 The leaders robotically mumbled back the pleasantry. He headed the oblong table and peered over to Director Lawrence, the head of the Office of Future Warfare (FU-WAR for short). With a cheap grin, Director Lawrence snapped from her chair.

 Director Lawrence < Her name is repeated too many times too close together.gripped the podium and peered down at the group, standing two meters tall. “Today marks the forty-third anniversary of the attack on Hong Kong. On that day, we lost seven million lives and society learned a new enemy lives in our backyard. The enemy has waited and grown their foothold in our solar system.” < I feel like you’re gearing up for an info dump, which I’m not ready for. There’s not been enough to hook me into the story.

Her lace macramé ankle boots clicked as she paced along the front wall. “Recognizing this historic inflection point, Earth’s strategy to defend against the unknown alien insurgence shifted from protracted land wars with each other to a unified whole-of-world. We were once a society of many, and today we build solidarity.”  She focused on each leader one-at-a-time.

My Overall Thoughts

The writing itself has no major problems, but it feels to me like the narrator is an afterthought rather than a key player in this scene. I’m sure there are unique things about the universe you’re writing about that could be used to hook the reader into the story, but this isn’t doing that for me.

Key Places to Improve:

  • I’m not sure where this scene is going, but I’m not convinced it’s the best way to introduce your narrator. He seems to be doing nothing more than sitting and observing (not ideal activities for a main character). It’s not clear to me why he’s there or why the reader should care that he’s there. He has a snarky/sarcastic voice that is very common across all genres these days, but I’m not sure what makes him unique or why readers should care about him.
  • There aren’t enough details for the reader to be able to imagine the scene. I think they’re in some kind of conference room based on the leather chairs, but I don’t really know. There were too many question marks in my mind as I read through this for it to suck me in.
  • Spend some time figuring out the best “hook” for your story. The first page should promise what’s to come. The hook/promise could be a great narrative style, a fascinating conflict, a unique universe, etc. Figure out your “hook” and put it front and center so that your first page really stands out.

The Writeditor’s Grade (out of 5): 2

The writing never really drew my attention in a negative way, but it didn’t draw it in a positive way either. The content didn’t excite me, mostly because there seemed to be no connection between the narrator and what was happening in the room.

A note on the grading scale: The rating of the first chapter does not indicate the rating of the novel as a whole nor does it indicate the writer’s overall ability.

Submit to First Page Friday – (currently OPEN to submissions)

***Please read this entire section before submitting***

Due to the amount of time it takes to respond to each email and due to the volume of submissions received (I booked 4 months in about 2 weeks), I am changing the submission and selection process for First Page Friday for my own sanity as well as to increase the quality of the series.

Submissions will no longer be accepted on a first come, first serve basis, and I will no longer be scheduling posts in advance. I will review submissions once a week and choose a first page that I feel provides the best learning opportunity for readers. This means that as much as I would love to respond to every submission, you probably won’t hear from me if I don’t select your first page. It also means that I may select your first page months after you submit it (you are responsible for updating or pulling your submission as needed).

To Submit, send the following information to ellenbrock@keytopservices.com or if you have trouble with that email address (as has been the case for some of you lately), send it to editorbrock@gmail.com:

  • The name you want used on your post (real name, pseudonym, or anonymous)
  • The first 500 words (Don’t stop in the middle of a sentence, but don’t add sentences above and beyond 500 words)
  • Any links you want included with the post (website, Amazon, GoodReads, Twitter, etc.)

Title your submission email: SUBMISSION: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you don’t tell me your genre, I cannot choose you for First Page Friday so please include it!

If you need to update or revoke your submission, title your email: UPDATE: First Page Friday – [Genre of your book]

If you are also interested in my editing or mentoring services, please send a separate email from your First Page Friday submission so that I can address it promptly. I will only open as many submission as it takes for me to select a first page, so I probably won’t get to your email for several weeks.

I will not remove First Page Friday critiques after they are posted, so please do not submit if you are not okay with your work being publicly critiqued on my blog.

I ask that you please comment, vote, and share First Page Friday posts from other authors. It’s courteous to both give and receive help. Thank you!

***A few people have emailed asking if they can have a private first page critique. I am more than happy to do that, but due to being completely booked (I’m working 10-11 hour days!), I have to charge $25 for private, offline first page critiques. Thanks for understanding!***

About the Editor

Ellen Brock is a freelance novel editor who works with self-publishing and traditionally publishing authors as well as e-publishers and small presses. She owns the editing company Keytop Services and the writing and editing blog The Writeditor. When not editing, she enjoys reading, writing, and geocaching. Check out her freelance novel editing services and mentoring.

087

Help First Page Friday Succeed!  Please use the buttons below to share this post. The more views, the more submissions, the more First Page Fridays!